The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 23, Episode 18 - Beware My Cheating Bart - full transcript

(exclaiming)

(school bell ringing)

(tires screech)

D'oh!

(grunts)

♪ ♪

(grunts)

(laughter)

(shrieks)

Hey, shut up!

(grunts)



♪ The Simpsons 23x18 ♪
Beware My Cheating Bart
Original Air Date on April 15, 2012

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther

(knocking)

(cooing):
Dada.

♪ ♪

Okay, what's an appropriate
movie for you boys?

No. No.

Ooh, here's one!

Happy Little Elves
Two: The Sequelf.

Two kids.

That movie's for babies.

Eh, watch whatever you want;
I got you here alive.

(chuckles)

Now I'm gonna visit



the only court I could never
be in contempt of: food court!

(laughs)

Now, to save on calories,

I won't eat the paper
in the fortune cookie.

(humming)

(wheezing)

(panting heavily)

Sir, I can't help but noticing
that you are very near death.

Closer than you think.

(humming)

(grunting)

Ow!

Homer-- Can I
call you Homer?

Sure. What's your name?

Well, I'm not required
to tell you that.

Homer, how long do
you want to live?

Long enough that me and Marge
can be one of those couples

who just sit and hold hands.

I heard Lenny had
a terrible fall.

You know who else fell?

Dr. Hibbert.

Yeah, falls'll getcha.

Well, I want to help you
make it to that glorious day.

For money.

This is
the Butt-Whisperer 9000.

- Cushioned track...
- Ooh!

hydration dock...
- Got to have that.

built-in HDTV...
- Loving it.

dog-walk side path...
- A must.

liability opt-out button...
- Keep 'em coming.

and drill sergeant mode.

(beep)

Run, you maggot!

Faster, you tub of lard!

(gasps) It's programmed
to my specifications!

Oh, but I can't afford this.

Homer, you can't
afford $300 a month?

No.

Well, what about
ten dollars a day?

Easy!

How was Crappy Little Elves?

My friend and I only see it
to rank on it.

Get that stuff off!

Take a picture first.

Now!

(laughter)

We're gonna be checking out

a delightful Hong Kong horror
remake known as Crawlspace,

based on Paxing kongjian.

Well, count me out, Jimbo.

I don't need to hear
how every chick in the movie

got what was coming to them.

Shauna, food for thought:

If we don't watch movies
about torture in crawl spaces,

how will we know what to do

if someone puts us in
a torture crawl space?

Not if, when.

Nah, I'm gonna go see one of
those Jennifer Aniston movies

where she rolls her eyes
on the poster.

Mm.

Babe, you know I don't want you
watching a movie by yourself.

You're a total perv magnet.

Aw!

So, I'll find
someone to take you.

Someone unthreatening.

Hey, you know our deal:

Chaperones cannot be
humiliating.

She's got you there.

How 'bout this one?
Simpson?

Let's see.

No starter stache,

temp tat,

still has baby teeth
at nine and 24.

Total pre-puber.

Now, you stay close
to my Shauna.

If someone so much as
peels a ladybug decal

off her fake fingernails,
I'm blaming you!

Come on, come on.

The best murder's always first.

(dramatic music playing inside)

MAN:
Not my eyelids!

ANISTON:
(groans) Are you telling me

the real reason you
started dating me

was so you could
buy my flower shop?

Yes. Your lease was
the last thing stopping me

from tearing this place down

and building the biggest
horse crematorium in Manhattan.

But none of that matters now.

All right, we've seen his ass.

Let's go.

Hey, I can hook you up

with pinto and black beans.

Oh, I'll do anything
for free beans.

Anything.

Hey, Nametag.

Do you know
who her boyfriend is?

Jimbo Jones.

I got to go sort tortillas!

Corn, flour, corn, corn,
no gluten, corn.

Two stuck together?!

Oh, now I got to fill out
a form!

Listen, lady, you do not
two-time the man

with the skull T-shirt.

(scoffs) Jimbo doesn't
care about me.

He didn't even
notice my side braid.

Oh, that is cool.

Looks like two snakes trying
to kill each other on your head.

That's what I was going for.

You know, for a second
grader, you're pretty sharp.

I'm actually in fourth grade,

but I read
at a second grade level.

They think I might
have a problem.

Wow.

KEARNEY:
Why did I see that movie

the day before I have to
clean the crawl space?

Come on, boy!
We've got to go home!

I saved big bucks
on the delivery charges.

(grunting)

(muffled):
D'oh!

I got to go.

He's my ride.

Not so fast, Simpson.

FYI, you got another date
tomorrow with Shauna.

(chuckles)

Why can't you do it?

We're going to a seminar:

"Extracting Lunch Money
from a Cashless Society."

We're gonna rob the guy
giving the seminar.

Bart and I'll figure out
something.

Yeah.

(humming)

(slurping)

(sighs):
Ah.

Doesn't get
any better than this.

Huh?

That's weird,
my armpits are getting wet!

Wow, the TV's hooked
up to the Internet.

You can stream whole
seasons of old TV shows.

Hmm.

Seen it. Seen it. Seen it.

British version was better.

Totally scripted. Sued it.

Stranded? What's that?

Stranded was a show
about people marooned

on a mysterious island
that's riddled with

religious and scientific
paradoxes.

It was huge.

Well, the first season
and the last season.

Well, islands are
always entertaining,

from Gilligan to Iwo Jima.

(dramatic music playing)

(screams)

A plane crash!

Wait a minute.

That flashback raised
more questions than it answered.

(grunting)

Oh, my God.

Inside the coconut,

my pet cat
from when I was little.

And on his name tag

is the number of our flight!

Purr-gatory.

Where are we?!

What a great opening episode!

And I'm sure everything they
said will pay off handsomely!

(dramatic music playing)

Hmm. Ah!

Huh?

Let's go. And
don't look guilty.

(alarm beeping)

Young lady, I need
to check your purse.

I didn't steal nothing.

If anything happens to her,

I'll beat you up
from inside your brain.

(grunts)

I stole this.

You stole perfume?

Uh, yeah, me.

I use it all the time.

♪ Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi ♪

♪ You-you-you-you ♪

And I are taking a
trip to mall jail.

Isn't that what used to be
the Beanie Baby store?

Shut up.

(explosion)

This is so cool.

You took a fall for me.

No one's done anything
for me before.

Uh-oh.

Don't worry. I made sure
he can't get too far.

(tire pops, hisses)

I'd use my legs
but I've forgotten how!

Come with me.

Hey, the first time we lost
Maggie was in this store!

Bart, here's my
thank-you gift.

What could a girl have
that I...

Oh, my God!

It's just like Dad's!

Bart, you haven't touched
your mashed potatoes.

More breast?

What-- No!

I'm offering you a
chicken breast, you boob!

Doesn't anyone here realize
I'm only ten years old?

Bart, no dinner
means no dessert.

(gasps)

I'm just not ready for cookies!

You know, I should
get back to the treadmill.

(chuckles)

He exercises so much,
but he looks the same.

I guess the weight will
all come off at once,

some day in the future.

Don't you believe
anything Homer says.

His first word was a lie.

Who did this?

Mommy.

She did?!

Then I'm gonna
withhold affection

without telling her why.

(dramatic music playing)

(groans) Huh?

Don't believe anything you were

told by me in the past,

because that was not me.

But this is me now.

But in less than a second,
I'll be gone forever.

(roaring)

I might be back!

(gasps)

The lava being!

That's why they showed a clip
of it on "previously on."

MARGE:
Homer!

You're using your
expensive new treadmill

just to watch a show that went
off the air five years ago?

And when I wanted
to watch it with you then,

you said it was
pretentious and repetitive.

Marge, there're so many
mysteries I need to have solved.

Now, if the Korean couple
can't speak English,

why were they doing
a crossword puzzle

where the answer to 23 down was
"enigma" spelled backwards?

What does it mean?

It means use the treadmill for
running or take it back!

And where will I watch TV?

On the TV!

And where will I walk?!

On the ground!

- And where...
- This is the stupidest fight ever!

We've had stupider!

I don't think so.

(slurps)

JIMBO: Hey, Fart-tholomew.

You did a sweet job
watching my woman yesterday.

(both moaning)

So, what do you want to do now?

What any boy would: push you in
a puddle and run away.

Maybe I should be
faithful to Jimbo.

He's bought me a lot of gum
over the past couple months.

Listen...

I could get wedgied for this,
but Jimbo's a jerk.

You can do better.

Wow. You told me
what's best for me...

at risk to yourself.

Come with me.
(gulps)

Shauna, I forgot to
grope you goodbye.

(both moaning)

At last!
This episode promises

to finally answer one question.

Whoo-ho-ho-ho...

MARGE: Homie!
(shouts)

The kids are away
and Maggie's napping...

Ooh, that's great.

Can it wait another 104 hours?

MARGE: Oh!
(slams door)

She walked away

and slammed the door.
What does it mean?

What does it mean?!

MARGE:
It means I'm mad!

Oh, that's such a
first-take answer!

(Simon & Garfunkel's
"April Come She Will" playing)

♪ April ♪

♪ Come she will ♪

♪ When streams are ripe
and swelled with rain ♪

♪ May she will stay... ♪

This one's yours, Ralphie.

(siren wails)

♪ Resting in my arms again ♪

♪ June ♪

♪ She'll change your tune ♪

♪ In restless walks,
she'll prowl the night ♪

♪ July she will fly ♪

♪ And give no warning
to her flight... ♪

Simpson, I guess you don't
have much respect for me.

Well, who wears
a wool hat to a pool?

(grunts)

(laughing)

It's not fair!

You know that's hilarious!

(grunts)

(grunts)

(whistle blows)

No horseplay in the pool area.

This isn't play;
This is some serious payback.

Well, that's, um...

All right, you may
have found a loophole.

All right, I better check.

Hello, Abby?

I'm not calling about
the shift change! God!

But, well, since
you bring it up,

if there's a way to flip
Saturday with next Wednesday...

Simpson, prepare to...

Hey, no running on the deck!

I'm on the grass apron!

Huh? Ugh, everyone's
a swimming pool lawyer.

Oh thank God, mom will
pound them.

Why if it isn't Jimbo, Dorf
and Ernie.

(all laughing)

Bart's not home yet.

But I'm always looking to
encourage non-Milhouse play dates.

Stick around.

(groans):
Oh...

SHAUNA: Hey Bart!

Oh, it's you.

Why do men always
think with their tongue?

I came to help you.

Then go back to Jimbo, and show
him every boob you've got.

But you told me he was a jerk,
and I that I could do better.

(groans):
Oh...

All right.

Follow me to a place
where nerds,

dorks and dweebs can
gather in safety.

This isn't, like, some creepy
place under an off-ramp?

Okay, we'll go
to my second choice.

Now you be careful
with Bart's undies.

We will, Mrs. Simpson.

Think of this as your
personal Asgard,

and I, the all-seeing Heimdall,
guardian of the gate.

All-seeing?

Yeah, when's the last time
you saw your feet?

Oh, that's it!

Fellow bullies, I've got them!

We'll be right there.

You're a bully?

A cyber bully.

Anything I do,
it is important that

I can lie down while doing it.

(phone chimes) Huh?

You just got yourself
in a flame war...

with a teenage girl.

Oh, flame on!

Oh! Oh!

You have cloven me from my
ponytail to my slipper shoe!

(sobs) Get out!

And never return!

Oh, unless you want to
buy old Archie comics.

20 pound bricks are a dollar.

Thank you all for coming to
my Stranded discussion group.

Hey, I loved that show.

Wasn't it awesome when
Colonel Darkwater...

(horn blares) Spoiler alert!

I've only seen up to
season three,

episode 17:
"Coconut Cream Die."

So you don't know that season
five was a complete wank?

(blaring) Spoiler!

Homer, calm down.

It's not like any of this stuff
really took place.

(blaring)

Spoiler!

Homer, for God sakes,

I'm trying to put
Maggie to sleep.

(baby talk):
I'm sorry, sweetie.

It's a Strandie
discussion group.

Yes, it is!

We discuss why airplane
go crash-crash

but people don't die-die.

You wanna know what happens
on your stupid show?

Firstly, the "mysterious island"

is 15 miles from Long Beach.

Al, Doorway Three led to Hell

despite the series creators'
repeated insistence

it did not lead to Hell,
and the entire Strandiverse,

is a piece of gravel
in a cosmic kitty litter box!

(gasps)

Thanks, Marge.

You ruined my show.

Now, I'm going to
give you a spoiler

about our marriage:
It's not great right now.

(gasping)

Well, since this is a
discussion group,

let's discuss.

I think they're having a spat.

I'd say it's more of a tiff.

Oh, so I'm a moron, am I?

Fellas, fellas,
I know where this is going.

Give me all your weapons now.

(grunts)

Now it's time to talk about
what Carl wants.

Oh, man, they have every
entrance covered.

You'd have to be a
Navy SEAL to get in or out.

LISA:
Hello, lovebirds.

Whoa!

What are you doing here?

I've been following your
storyline from afar, Bart,

waiting for that
inevitable point

where you get into trouble
you couldn't get out of.

Perhaps I could
broker a settlement.

Well, that's my boyfriend,
but he's a wad.

And your brother's
not a wad, he's a dink

on the road to doofus.

Here, here.

Ow.

The lamb has returned
to the slaughter.

Whoa, you should
write that down, man.

I'll remember it.

I don't think Shauna
should choose any of you.

Shauna should choose Shauna.

Your older sister's right, Bart.

You don't want me?

I want to find out who I am.

And that's something only

an inappropriately
older man can tell me.

Well, that is one
lucky creepy guy.

MARGE: Lisa, are you
out there in your slippers?

Come inside!

Well, Bart, I guess
that's our cue to skedaddle...

Not so fast, Simpson...

Uh, what was that thing
I was gonna do to him?

Told you you should've
written it down.

If I wrote down everything
you told me to write down,

I'd have no time for punching.

Whoa, you should
write that down, man.

Lousy Marge...

ruining the delicate
relationship

between a man and his TV show.

I'd tell my best friend,
but that's Marge too.

MARGE: Homie, come
in the bedroom.

(gasps)

Care to join me in a private
last episode party?

Well...

It's okay, Dad.

He's just putting
the fear of God in me.

Okay, but if this house
starts a-rockin',

don't come a-knockin'.

Have a wonderful evening, sir.

(moaning, smooching)

Purr-plexing, isn't it?
HOMER: D'oh!

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther

Shh!