The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 23, Episode 13 - The Daughter Also Rises - full transcript
Lisa falls for an adventurous, Hemingway-esque young boy, while Bart and Millhouse set out to bust all the myths that surround Springfield Elementary School.
D'oh!
Happy 500th episode!
("Auld Lang Syne" plays)
Hmm?
This is episode 499.
Aw, geez.
Well, I got news for ya,
Fox ain't doin' this again.
♪ The Simpsons 23x13 ♪
The Daughter Also Rises
Original Air Date on February 12, 2012
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
How'd you get so
many more Valentines?
I got one from Lisa
and one from my optometrist.
That's a bill.
No, it's got a love stamp!
Maybe we should
just watch TV.
♪
Aw...
Now, son, you know Itchy and
Scratchy give you night terrors.
Last night
you had the night terrors.
Yeah, I dreamt I got fired
from that job
I dreamt I got
the night before.
Oh...
Welcome to MythCrackers,
where we debunk rumors,
legends,
and all religions
except the Jesus-based ones.
It's a beautiful afternoon.
No TV.
Luckily, she doesn't know
that our viewing platforms
are... multi.
No TV on the computer!
No TV on a smart phone!
Tonight, we take on
the classic myth
that a cat will always
land on its feet.
Now, we didn't want to hurt
a real cat,
so we took this
Build-A-Bear carcass...
Stuffed it with
ballistic gel,
shot it with a 20 foot barrel
steam cannon...
And made a scatter plot
of the remains!
Boo-yah!
What was it we trying
to prove again?
Don't know, don't care!
♪ Blow it up.
Hey, Bart, why don't we
become MythCrackers?
I bet those guys get
so many Valentines.
That might be a good idea, but
then again, you thought it up.
Eh, why not?
Okay, first myth,
using a cell phone at a
gas station is dangerous.
Well, at least I'm cool now!
Why does the guy have
to do everything
for the girl
on Valentine's Day?
We show girls love
on Valentine's Day,
and they let us blow stuff
up on the Fourth of July.
I just pray they never
fall on the same day.
Homie, read this.
"My darling husband.
"This Valentine's Day,
I have a present for you."
Thanks for reading it
to me.
My pleasure.
"I want you to have a fun
night doing guy stuff.
Don't worry about
me, I'll be fine."
Oh, Marge,
this is brilliant!
Mwah!
I just think we should do things
every day
to show our love for each other.
Hmm?
It's okay, Homie.
Go. Have a good time.
Take Bart with you.
Oh, which one
do you want?
You have the most wonderful
mom in the world,
which is why I have no idea
where she is
or what she's doing.
That's right, sucker!
It's Valentine's Day,
and I've got a date
with some fastballs!
Lucky bastard.
I mean, my darling,
I was looking at myself
in the side view mirror.
I hope you hit one off the
handle and your hands sting!
Ow!
Lisa, I love spending
mother-daughter time with you.
We have so much in
common. Like, um...
Oh, no!
Someone's about to put
the Thousand Island ladle
into the vinaigrette!
Hmm?
Sorry, sorry.
I didn't mean to be nosey.
Don't apologize.
It was dark, then a light
came through the crack.
The light was you.
Oh...
You have a way with words.
Words are just nails
we use to build ideas.
Care to continue this
discussion at the dessert table?
Mom, I'm gonna look
at the desserts!
Don't panic.
This can be separated out.
Quick, does anyone
have a centrifuge?!
All I wanted was
one romantic night.
Yep, you're the
crack head.
What dessert are
you gonna get?
I'll toss this fork
into the air
and wherever it lands,
that's what I'll eat. Hiya!
As Hemingway said, "The shortest
answer is doing the thing."
Um, I should probably
get back to my mom.
By the way,
my name is...
No! When I first hear
your name,
I want to be
somewhere important,
the peak of Kilimanjaro...
the back of a
vaporetto in Venice, the...
Lisa! Now this is the most
important place in the world.
Now that's a spicy
meet-cute! Mwah!
Lisa?
Hey, Midge.
Want a piece of my ziti?
That cost a nickel,
but, uh, we'll settle up later.
Today we tackle the most
terrifying myth
in the history of
Springfield Elementary,
that if you press E-8
on the candy machine,
you get electrocuted and die.
Wow.
Did you invent a robot hand
to touch the buttons?
Something like that.
Ladies and gentlemen,
that myth is cracked!
Candy cigarettes?
I didn't know they made these.
They were discontinued
because they were thought
to encourage impressionable
children to smoke.
How dumb do they think we are?
Mm-hmm.
Mmm!
I can quit
any time I want!
This place is great!
If I cover my peripheral vision,
I feel like I'm in France.
Ew...
How 'bout I just
look at you.
El Puerco,
I must break up with you.
Oh, but the hand-holding
is just too good.
Your juice boxes.
It's... nice.
Perhaps we can try a little
harder, for the lady.
Such is the life
of the juice boxiér.
Oh.
Marge, since you're by yourself,
would you like to borrow
one of my twins?
But remember, the one you pick
may not be the one you get.
Mom, I'm sorry
I'm late.
No excuse, I just forgot
all about you.
I'm not sure that patch really
represents who I am right now.
Well, if you'd been here
for the design phase,
you could've registered
that objection.
Now start quilting!
Now there's
three of you?
Or maybe you're
losing your mind.
According to the wisdom
of our elders...
...if you go all the way
around on the swing,
your body will
turn inside-out!
Cool! Now my beauty
will be on the outside!
He's still
inside-in, folks!
And just to prove it...
Whoa!
("Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien"
by Edith Piaf playing)
♪
"She had now come to the part
that Peter Pan hated.
'I do like a mother's
love,' said Tootles..."
Mom, I have a crush!
Is it on your father?
Little girls always get
crushes on their fathers.
Somehow I missed that phase.
Almost there, boy.
Almost there.
Almost there.
I'm getting closer.
It's just within reach.
The boy I like
is Hemingway-esque!
Okay. Let's "esque" him
to dinner.
Wow, Nick here in our house!
I hope it doesn't make him
think less of me.
This house is not an
embarrassment!
Hm, usually when I say
something like that,
something extremely
embarrassing happens.
I'm gonna say good night
before it does. Good night.
Well, Lisa didn't tell me
that she had a sister.
Or a daughter.
Oh, my.
I don't know if anyone's
ever kissed my hand before.
Well, your arms are lanky.
It's kind of a
long trip down there.
My mother said
I should bring some wine.
Hmm, the French have gotten
into the wine game?
Ha, good luck catchin' up
with the big boys.
I'll get a couple glasses.
Mrs. Simpson, I'd like your
permission to take your daughter
to the Doritos Nutrition Fair
at the school gym.
Well, I usually take Lisa,
but I can just go with Bart.
Wait. What?
No!
You're going with me!
But, Lisa, after this,
I don't want you to spend
so much time with this boy.
If you do, it'll mean you're
a separate person from me.
That'll stop her
from seeing him.
Mom can't appreciate
the kind of boy Nick is,
because although I love Dad,
he's a completely
different creature.
Yeah, there's a lot
of fish in the sea,
but she picked out
a drunken walrus.
But you and this Nick fella
sound to me
like the story
of Pyramus and Thisbe.
Which inspired Romeo and Juliet,
which inspired West Side Story,
which inspired me to say "eh."
Pyramus and Thisbe were
lovers from ancient times!
They lived next door but their
families despised each other.
I don't like to babble on,
but I sure do like Babylon.
The lovers had to whisper
their sweet nothings
through a crack in the wall.
Wait a minute!
Nick and I met talking through
a crack between two booths!
And the power of that
forbidden smooch
made them love
each other forever.
Man, that company
thinks every time
it adds a wisecracking parrot
to a story, they own it.
Talk to the wing, Thisbe!
Grampa, would you help take me
on a foolish romantic mission?
Let me check my schedule.
This might work.
I think I'm free.
Tuesday's open.
You got it, kiddo!
Legend has it
a girl named Eleanor Mackie
drowned on this very spot.
Now they say if you
call her name three times
while looking in this mirror,
you will die.
Milhouse?
Eleanor Mackie.
Eleanor Mackie.
Eleanor Mackie!
Aw, gimme a break.
The one day the lunch lady
decides to wash her hands.
Okay, that was
the last school myth
and it's officially cracked.
So, school is just
everything we see?
That's sad, man.
You into cigars now?
It's a Twix.
I can't be the guy who
killed everybody's fun.
That's Skinner's job.
Don't blame me.
You killed the fun, fun-killer.
Milhouse, I've just figured out
a way to make school cool again.
American Girl doll day?!
You might be surprised at
the number of boys who have
American Girl dolls.
It's not weird 'cause
they're historic figures.
I have found one
last myth to destroy,
the so-called legend of
Groundskeeper Were-Willie.
Prepare to be disappointed!
Gentlemen, we just
created a myth.
Now there's a myth about me
I'd like you to correct--
I'm not from Edinburgh!
I'm also not from Glasgow!
I'm from Kirkwall in Orkney!
Me father was an Uppie,
and me mother was a Doonie.
It tore the
family apart!
Ow!
Pull over. You're wanted for
grand theft retirement home.
The TV remote is in your pocket!
Hola! Yo soy Maury Povich.
Uno de estos siete hombres es
el verdadero padre de este
"crack baby."
Everyone's speaking Spanish!
But, if we stop now, we'll never
make it there by sunset.
Run, young lovers!
I'll take care
of the cops!
But, Grampa...
Go ahead!
I ain't afraid of no prison!
Sir, we're gonna bring you back
to your retirement home.
No!
Chief, we heard gunfire!
Relax! It's
just my back!
And my hip.
Spinal column!
Thanks for the ride,
Mr. Spuckler.
Yeah, I don't normally
approve of out-breeding,
but you two seem nice.
We can take this boat.
I don't know, this water's
a little choppy.
I thought you rowed up the
Zambezi without a guide.
Right, right.
So, Dad, what kind of stupid
idea did you put in Lisa's head?
She wants to steal a kiss,
like Pyramus and Thisbe.
Did you say
"ultimate Frisbee"?!
No!
Oh...
Women and shoes, am I right?
Your hands are
really cold.
You know,
you were a lot more
adventurous
at the dessert table.
I sure was-- I'm
allergic to chocolate!
Shut up and kiss me.
Lisa, it's Hadley Richardson,
Hemingway's first wife.
Trust me,
you're making a big mistake.
If you don't believe me,
ask Pauline Pfeiffer.
I was his second wife.
There were two more after me.
Tortured writers
make horrible husbands.
At least you chose
to be with him.
I was just swimmin' along,
mindin' my own business.
Next thing I know,
I was hanging on his wall!
He used to pee
in the fireplace!
Wait, how long
is this love for again?
Eternity.
Oh, that's a
pretty long time.
Now my lips
are getting cold.
Lisa!
This isn't working out.
Lisa, I'm sorry that
God gave me this gift
of lying to girls,
for a little while.
I'll see ya.
I feel kinda silly I walked
all the way out here.
You're just fine.
You always are.
Thanks.
But I couldn't do it, Mom.
I mean, the person you kiss
under a mulberry tree
is someone you'll love
for the rest of your life.
Mwah!
Don't worry, ladies,
I'm-a comin'!
D'oh!
D'oh...
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Ooh, you know, I've heard if a
fat guy stops moving, he floats.
Shh!
Happy 500th episode!
("Auld Lang Syne" plays)
Hmm?
This is episode 499.
Aw, geez.
Well, I got news for ya,
Fox ain't doin' this again.
♪ The Simpsons 23x13 ♪
The Daughter Also Rises
Original Air Date on February 12, 2012
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
How'd you get so
many more Valentines?
I got one from Lisa
and one from my optometrist.
That's a bill.
No, it's got a love stamp!
Maybe we should
just watch TV.
♪
Aw...
Now, son, you know Itchy and
Scratchy give you night terrors.
Last night
you had the night terrors.
Yeah, I dreamt I got fired
from that job
I dreamt I got
the night before.
Oh...
Welcome to MythCrackers,
where we debunk rumors,
legends,
and all religions
except the Jesus-based ones.
It's a beautiful afternoon.
No TV.
Luckily, she doesn't know
that our viewing platforms
are... multi.
No TV on the computer!
No TV on a smart phone!
Tonight, we take on
the classic myth
that a cat will always
land on its feet.
Now, we didn't want to hurt
a real cat,
so we took this
Build-A-Bear carcass...
Stuffed it with
ballistic gel,
shot it with a 20 foot barrel
steam cannon...
And made a scatter plot
of the remains!
Boo-yah!
What was it we trying
to prove again?
Don't know, don't care!
♪ Blow it up.
Hey, Bart, why don't we
become MythCrackers?
I bet those guys get
so many Valentines.
That might be a good idea, but
then again, you thought it up.
Eh, why not?
Okay, first myth,
using a cell phone at a
gas station is dangerous.
Well, at least I'm cool now!
Why does the guy have
to do everything
for the girl
on Valentine's Day?
We show girls love
on Valentine's Day,
and they let us blow stuff
up on the Fourth of July.
I just pray they never
fall on the same day.
Homie, read this.
"My darling husband.
"This Valentine's Day,
I have a present for you."
Thanks for reading it
to me.
My pleasure.
"I want you to have a fun
night doing guy stuff.
Don't worry about
me, I'll be fine."
Oh, Marge,
this is brilliant!
Mwah!
I just think we should do things
every day
to show our love for each other.
Hmm?
It's okay, Homie.
Go. Have a good time.
Take Bart with you.
Oh, which one
do you want?
You have the most wonderful
mom in the world,
which is why I have no idea
where she is
or what she's doing.
That's right, sucker!
It's Valentine's Day,
and I've got a date
with some fastballs!
Lucky bastard.
I mean, my darling,
I was looking at myself
in the side view mirror.
I hope you hit one off the
handle and your hands sting!
Ow!
Lisa, I love spending
mother-daughter time with you.
We have so much in
common. Like, um...
Oh, no!
Someone's about to put
the Thousand Island ladle
into the vinaigrette!
Hmm?
Sorry, sorry.
I didn't mean to be nosey.
Don't apologize.
It was dark, then a light
came through the crack.
The light was you.
Oh...
You have a way with words.
Words are just nails
we use to build ideas.
Care to continue this
discussion at the dessert table?
Mom, I'm gonna look
at the desserts!
Don't panic.
This can be separated out.
Quick, does anyone
have a centrifuge?!
All I wanted was
one romantic night.
Yep, you're the
crack head.
What dessert are
you gonna get?
I'll toss this fork
into the air
and wherever it lands,
that's what I'll eat. Hiya!
As Hemingway said, "The shortest
answer is doing the thing."
Um, I should probably
get back to my mom.
By the way,
my name is...
No! When I first hear
your name,
I want to be
somewhere important,
the peak of Kilimanjaro...
the back of a
vaporetto in Venice, the...
Lisa! Now this is the most
important place in the world.
Now that's a spicy
meet-cute! Mwah!
Lisa?
Hey, Midge.
Want a piece of my ziti?
That cost a nickel,
but, uh, we'll settle up later.
Today we tackle the most
terrifying myth
in the history of
Springfield Elementary,
that if you press E-8
on the candy machine,
you get electrocuted and die.
Wow.
Did you invent a robot hand
to touch the buttons?
Something like that.
Ladies and gentlemen,
that myth is cracked!
Candy cigarettes?
I didn't know they made these.
They were discontinued
because they were thought
to encourage impressionable
children to smoke.
How dumb do they think we are?
Mm-hmm.
Mmm!
I can quit
any time I want!
This place is great!
If I cover my peripheral vision,
I feel like I'm in France.
Ew...
How 'bout I just
look at you.
El Puerco,
I must break up with you.
Oh, but the hand-holding
is just too good.
Your juice boxes.
It's... nice.
Perhaps we can try a little
harder, for the lady.
Such is the life
of the juice boxiér.
Oh.
Marge, since you're by yourself,
would you like to borrow
one of my twins?
But remember, the one you pick
may not be the one you get.
Mom, I'm sorry
I'm late.
No excuse, I just forgot
all about you.
I'm not sure that patch really
represents who I am right now.
Well, if you'd been here
for the design phase,
you could've registered
that objection.
Now start quilting!
Now there's
three of you?
Or maybe you're
losing your mind.
According to the wisdom
of our elders...
...if you go all the way
around on the swing,
your body will
turn inside-out!
Cool! Now my beauty
will be on the outside!
He's still
inside-in, folks!
And just to prove it...
Whoa!
("Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien"
by Edith Piaf playing)
♪
"She had now come to the part
that Peter Pan hated.
'I do like a mother's
love,' said Tootles..."
Mom, I have a crush!
Is it on your father?
Little girls always get
crushes on their fathers.
Somehow I missed that phase.
Almost there, boy.
Almost there.
Almost there.
I'm getting closer.
It's just within reach.
The boy I like
is Hemingway-esque!
Okay. Let's "esque" him
to dinner.
Wow, Nick here in our house!
I hope it doesn't make him
think less of me.
This house is not an
embarrassment!
Hm, usually when I say
something like that,
something extremely
embarrassing happens.
I'm gonna say good night
before it does. Good night.
Well, Lisa didn't tell me
that she had a sister.
Or a daughter.
Oh, my.
I don't know if anyone's
ever kissed my hand before.
Well, your arms are lanky.
It's kind of a
long trip down there.
My mother said
I should bring some wine.
Hmm, the French have gotten
into the wine game?
Ha, good luck catchin' up
with the big boys.
I'll get a couple glasses.
Mrs. Simpson, I'd like your
permission to take your daughter
to the Doritos Nutrition Fair
at the school gym.
Well, I usually take Lisa,
but I can just go with Bart.
Wait. What?
No!
You're going with me!
But, Lisa, after this,
I don't want you to spend
so much time with this boy.
If you do, it'll mean you're
a separate person from me.
That'll stop her
from seeing him.
Mom can't appreciate
the kind of boy Nick is,
because although I love Dad,
he's a completely
different creature.
Yeah, there's a lot
of fish in the sea,
but she picked out
a drunken walrus.
But you and this Nick fella
sound to me
like the story
of Pyramus and Thisbe.
Which inspired Romeo and Juliet,
which inspired West Side Story,
which inspired me to say "eh."
Pyramus and Thisbe were
lovers from ancient times!
They lived next door but their
families despised each other.
I don't like to babble on,
but I sure do like Babylon.
The lovers had to whisper
their sweet nothings
through a crack in the wall.
Wait a minute!
Nick and I met talking through
a crack between two booths!
And the power of that
forbidden smooch
made them love
each other forever.
Man, that company
thinks every time
it adds a wisecracking parrot
to a story, they own it.
Talk to the wing, Thisbe!
Grampa, would you help take me
on a foolish romantic mission?
Let me check my schedule.
This might work.
I think I'm free.
Tuesday's open.
You got it, kiddo!
Legend has it
a girl named Eleanor Mackie
drowned on this very spot.
Now they say if you
call her name three times
while looking in this mirror,
you will die.
Milhouse?
Eleanor Mackie.
Eleanor Mackie.
Eleanor Mackie!
Aw, gimme a break.
The one day the lunch lady
decides to wash her hands.
Okay, that was
the last school myth
and it's officially cracked.
So, school is just
everything we see?
That's sad, man.
You into cigars now?
It's a Twix.
I can't be the guy who
killed everybody's fun.
That's Skinner's job.
Don't blame me.
You killed the fun, fun-killer.
Milhouse, I've just figured out
a way to make school cool again.
American Girl doll day?!
You might be surprised at
the number of boys who have
American Girl dolls.
It's not weird 'cause
they're historic figures.
I have found one
last myth to destroy,
the so-called legend of
Groundskeeper Were-Willie.
Prepare to be disappointed!
Gentlemen, we just
created a myth.
Now there's a myth about me
I'd like you to correct--
I'm not from Edinburgh!
I'm also not from Glasgow!
I'm from Kirkwall in Orkney!
Me father was an Uppie,
and me mother was a Doonie.
It tore the
family apart!
Ow!
Pull over. You're wanted for
grand theft retirement home.
The TV remote is in your pocket!
Hola! Yo soy Maury Povich.
Uno de estos siete hombres es
el verdadero padre de este
"crack baby."
Everyone's speaking Spanish!
But, if we stop now, we'll never
make it there by sunset.
Run, young lovers!
I'll take care
of the cops!
But, Grampa...
Go ahead!
I ain't afraid of no prison!
Sir, we're gonna bring you back
to your retirement home.
No!
Chief, we heard gunfire!
Relax! It's
just my back!
And my hip.
Spinal column!
Thanks for the ride,
Mr. Spuckler.
Yeah, I don't normally
approve of out-breeding,
but you two seem nice.
We can take this boat.
I don't know, this water's
a little choppy.
I thought you rowed up the
Zambezi without a guide.
Right, right.
So, Dad, what kind of stupid
idea did you put in Lisa's head?
She wants to steal a kiss,
like Pyramus and Thisbe.
Did you say
"ultimate Frisbee"?!
No!
Oh...
Women and shoes, am I right?
Your hands are
really cold.
You know,
you were a lot more
adventurous
at the dessert table.
I sure was-- I'm
allergic to chocolate!
Shut up and kiss me.
Lisa, it's Hadley Richardson,
Hemingway's first wife.
Trust me,
you're making a big mistake.
If you don't believe me,
ask Pauline Pfeiffer.
I was his second wife.
There were two more after me.
Tortured writers
make horrible husbands.
At least you chose
to be with him.
I was just swimmin' along,
mindin' my own business.
Next thing I know,
I was hanging on his wall!
He used to pee
in the fireplace!
Wait, how long
is this love for again?
Eternity.
Oh, that's a
pretty long time.
Now my lips
are getting cold.
Lisa!
This isn't working out.
Lisa, I'm sorry that
God gave me this gift
of lying to girls,
for a little while.
I'll see ya.
I feel kinda silly I walked
all the way out here.
You're just fine.
You always are.
Thanks.
But I couldn't do it, Mom.
I mean, the person you kiss
under a mulberry tree
is someone you'll love
for the rest of your life.
Mwah!
Don't worry, ladies,
I'm-a comin'!
D'oh!
D'oh...
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Ooh, you know, I've heard if a
fat guy stops moving, he floats.
Shh!