The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 23, Episode 11 - The D'oh-cial Network - full transcript
As the mastermind and creator of the online social networking phenomenon SpringFace, Lisa is called to trial when Springfield's obsession with the site becomes chaotic and dysfunctional. Lisa recounts her story and explains that she created the site after realizing she had no real friends. But as SpringFace expands and Springfield's fixation with the site causes mass hysteria, Lisa begins to realize that adding thousands of friends online did not compare to having real friendships. Later, Patty and Selma compete against the Winklevoss Twins in the rowing event at the 2012 Olympic Games.
D'oh!
♪
♪ The Simpsons 23x11 ♪
The D'oh-cial Network
Original Air Date on January 15, 2012
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
D'oh!
So what are we doing here?
What, is it the thing where the
family runs in and sits down?
That's it?
We flew you in and
put you up for that?
I, I think
we're done here.
Paul.
(playing The Simpsons
theme song)
Lisa Simpson, your actions
have brought devastation
upon this town,
and all because
of your selfish desire
to be accepted
by others.
Leave her alone.
That's my only
talking daughter.
Lethal inject her
on the electric chair.
Bart, it's okay to say that
at home but not in court.
Take it back.
Withdrawn.
Now, Lisa, tell your side of the
story, and use your big voice.
Well, it all started
a couple of months ago.
Your Honor,
I'd like to request
that everyone in the court
picture in their minds
what the witness
is describing.
I'll allow it,
but no flights of fancy.
Like all too
many stories
about my family, it began with
somebody watching television.
Well, McBain,
you certainly picked
a bad time to come
out of retirement.
I hope you have
a COBRA plan.
You are suffering from
a reptile dysfunction.
Down in front.
Damn it,
why do kids have heads?
Homie, stop watching the movie
in the other people's car.
Oh, but I'm invested
in the characters.
You'll miss the turnoff
to the fancy new mall.
I make my own
turnoffs.
And that, kids, is
how you stick it
to the Towne Centre Real
Estate Investment Trust.
No, no, no.
Whoo-hoo!
Someone thinks
we're leaving.
I'll wave them off.
No, no, no, no, let's see how
long we can keep 'em waiting.
Everyone act like
we're buckling up to go home.
Homie.
Marge, if you were
married to Da Vinci,
you wouldn't tell
him not to Da Vinch.
Damn it, are you
leaving or not?!
Leaving?
Why on earth
would you think that?
We totally
wasted his time.
And ours.
This place
is so great.
When the trolley hits you,
it doesn't even hurt.
You try it, Maggie.
Ooh, condos.
Lenny, do you live here?
Yeah, I just
moved in.
I have a Drippin' Dots
for breakfast every morning;
at lunch, I get a massage
in front of strangers;
and then I spend the afternoon
browsing cell phone skins.
Ever get tired
of those dancing waters?
(Strauss' "The Blue Danube"
playing)
The day I moved in.
So what are we all going
to do together?
Actually, we just came to do
some shopping as a family.
Oh, no worries.
Mr. Mall can make
his own excitement.
Give me one doll
from every time period,
and set me up for a tea party
in a private room.
Lenny, you asked me to stop you
from coming back in here.
Let me help you.
You can help me by giving
me Ellis Island Emily.
Hi, dear, I'm your Uncle Lenny.
I'm going to buy you
an all-new wardrobe,
fix your teeth,
send you to the best schools,
and you're going to hate
and resent me for it
'cause you're an American now.
I was hanging on to these
gift cards as investments,
but then half the companies
went out of business.
Better sort those out.
Aw...
Aw...
D'oh!
Do-over.
Hmm.
Whoo-hoo!
Unspool it
into my mouth
till that card
is at zero.
Draw the curtain.
Sir, as a complexion
scientist,
I must advise you
against using any more.
This is the most powerful
hydrator we sell.
Less blathering,
more slathering.
Hey!
Watch it!
Yo, Bart dude.
Can I get a ride
to the food court?
Hop on.
Ho-ho!
Hmm.
I kind of want to
create my own thing.
Do you sell any
just plain sets?
No. We do
all the imagining for you.
Well, I'll
just buy one of these
and build something
different.
You do and you'd better
build yourself a lawyer.
Miss Simpson, does
the court really need to hear
everything that happened
in every store
your family visited?
Trust me, I've left a lot out
and cleaned up the swears.
Anyway, I ran into
some schoolmates
and thought they
might be friendly.
That's what kids do, right,
hang out at the mall together?
But when I went over...
Hi, guys, what
are you doing?
Duh, having feathers
woven into our hair.
Those girls are
snotty and shallow.
Tell them off.
Can I join you?
Lisa, how can
we put this?
You're the reason no one wears
Silly Bandz anymore.
Wha...?
They, they don't?
What the...?
Enough.
I don't trust this place.
Where are the cashiers?
Huh?
Oh.
Huh?
Oh.
Yeah, the lightest,
most desirable computer
in the world for the next
three weeks: the Mapple Void.
I'll take it,
provided you charge me
for services
that Google offers for free.
I already have.
Sweet.
This computer
is so great.
I'm watching the latest
Sofia Coppola movie
at 20x speed to make it seem
like a normal movie.
I think it
just froze.
Oh, no, no, that
bird just moved.
Uh-oh, a draggy backpack.
I have no friends.
Aw, sweetie, hey,
why don't you make friends
with my new computer?
- Okay.
- Let me just finish downloading
the complete works
of Shakespeare.
Now who's the greatest writer
of all time?
I'd have more friends
if I knew what people liked,
but I won't know what people
like unless I'm their friend.
It's a conundrum.
If
you want friends,
don't use words
like "conundrum."
Co-what-drum?
Jimbo heard me say it.
I'm dead.
Hmm.
It's easier to be friends
with lots of people online
than one person in person.
What if I started
an online meeting place
where all are equal
and I am the undisputed center?
How's this
for a conundrum?
It's not really
a conundrum.
Sit at my feet
and I will elaborate.
So, to summarize, Your Honor,
Lisa Simpson created
this "social network"
because she had
no friends.
No, that is
not true.
I...
May I remind you you're under oath?
All right
already.
I had no
friends.
With a attitude like that,
I wouldn't be her friend.
Life is
too dang short.
So, since I had no friends,
I assembled a motley crew
of the friendless to help me
construct my social network.
Did we become friends?
No.
As the CEO of SpringFace,
I want you all to have fun
as you write source code
until you fall asleep
at your consoles.
Delightful.
Here's my favorite
computer game: Angry Nerds.
Nelson, is there any way
I could be your friend?
The only way
I would be your friend
is if I could click a box
under your picture saying
"Accept friendship request
from."
Nelson, you've just given us
the template for our site.
I don't care.
If we don't move, his
odds of getting us both
are 374 to one.
Ooh-oo-ooh, ooh.
Bye.
Now, to skip ahead,
your diabolical plan
was an instant success.
I never said it was diabolical.
Withdrawn.
This social network
quickly unified
the disparate children
of Springfield Unified.
Oh, I just got invited
to make out with Shauna.
See?
That went out to 200 guys.
And seven girls.
Oh...
Santa's Little Helper's friends
with Snowball Two?
Now I've seen everything.
Ha, all my friends
have birthdays this year.
I just un-friended Skinner
Doggone it.
I'm less popular
than the hornet's nest
in the gym.
You said you were
getting rid of that nest.
We trade the honey
for chalk and yardsticks.
Hornets make honey?
Better than wasp honey,
not as good as bee.
Is this how you
talk on dates?
I wish my dates
were this interesting.
Hit refresh.
Hit refresh.
I have a thousand friends.
And only eight
of them are Milhouse.
A thousand kids?
If you could get each of
them to send you a dollar,
you'd be a millionaire.
Well, it's not just
kids using SpringFace,
it's moms
like me, Marge.
Wait a minute,
grownups are on this?
Yeah, look.
We've got to thank you, kiddo.
We've gotten so much more
action since we signed up
and used this picture
of ourselves.
That's not you.
You can see
our reflection
in the sunglasses.
Wow, I've created something
incredibly popular.
And I've created something
that created something
incredibly popular.
And I created
an alcoholic hippo.
You never showed it to me.
A stupid alcoholic hippo.
I still want to see it.
There is no hippo.
Then why did you say it?
'Cause you're the hippo.
Are you just saying that
'cause you don't want
me to see the hippo?
I don't have a hippo!
And so, this so-called
"SpringFace"
spread from the world
of children to adults.
Man, this Web site
makes talking drunk
to my wife so much safer.
I am sitting here...
zero sheets to the wind...
...counting the moments
to closing time
when I can stumble home to you.
Another round, Moe.
Uh-oh, did I type that?
Delete! Delete!
Hm, typing "delete"
does not delete.
It is gratifying to see
all of you bowing in prayer,
the light of God
shining on your faces.
Uh-oh, Bernice Hibbert keeps
"liking" Bumblebee Man'sos.
That's how it starts.
Tsk-tsk-tsk-tsk-tsk.
Why did I make this church
a Wi-Fi hotspot?
If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
Let's see, which Muppet am I?
Beaker?
Hm, I guess that's fair.
Friend, friend,
awaiting reply, friend...
Sherri? Terri?
Hopscotch?
Double Dutch?
Ringolivio?
Anyone?
Oh, I have a thousand friends,
and I feel more alone than ever.
Whee!
I am trying to
set a mood here.
Whee.
So, to sum up,
Lisa's social network
turned into the biggest
Internet failure since...
Well, there've been so many.
"Ask Jeeves," anyone?
And so SpringFace became
too big to control,
just like the 60-foot baby
in my self-published novel,
The 60 Ft. Baby.
Order it online now,
while you can still cheat
the government on sales tax.
As I was saying,
SpringFace was used
in ways I never expected.
Thanks for SpringFacing me
your head cleaver, Bart.
Check this out: I'm hiding a
bomb in this pile of corpses,
so when Kearney
loots their ammo,
he gets a face full
of ass shrapnel.
Damn, I got ass-shrapped!
What the...?!
That idiot cut me off.
I'm gonna run his plates,
find out who he is, then change
his SpringFace profile picture
to a shot of a monkey.
(chuckle
Get that, Marge?
A monkey!
Homer, watch the road.
Right.
Status update: Homer...
is... watching... the...
Dislike! Dislike!
Somebody call 911!
I don't know how to use
the phone on my phone.
Hey, did you guys get
my picture of the fire?
Yeah, I did;
nice grab.
I didn't get it yet.
Yeah, funny
how that works.
Lisa Simpson, can you
give us any reason
why the city should not force
you to shut down your site?
I know it's awful and insular
and caused 35 deaths,
but I had friends.
Four digits of friends!
I had a friend in common
with Malcolm Gladwell.
He friends everybody.
Fine.
I'll shut down the site.
♪ When you were here before
♪ Couldn't look you in the eye
Time to get a life.
♪ You're just like an angel
♪ Your skin makes me cry
We don't need your
crummy Web site.
We can make
anything into guns.
Lisa.
Lisa!
Want to play Marco
Polo with us?
We just realized you don't
have to play in a pool.
You really want me?
No.
We want your Dad.
Marco.
Come on, Lisa.
Polo!
Fish out of water.
♪ When you were here before
♪ Couldn't look you in the eye
♪ You're just like an angel
Hey, Winklevosses.
You're gonna lose yet again.
You should see
the expression on your faces.
Oh, wait, you can.
They're fat, they smoke,
they started
training a week ago.
Why can't we pull away?
Because we can't
stop concentrating
on that $65 million
Facebook settlement,
which somehow wasn't
enough for us.
Even though we were rich
in the first place.
So long, you big babies!
Hope you like
the taste of silver!
Help us, Larry Summers!
Come on, Wonder twin!
Pull!
- And now, for a Simpsons
- "Show's Too Short" story.
Once there was
a young rascal named Bart.
This lad was trouble
from the very start.
When it came to mischief,
he had a black thumb.
It didn't hurt
that his daddy was dumb.
And when it came
to best friends,
it was Milhouse who picked him.
Sometimes the sidekick,
sometimes the victim.
Then one day
at school engulfed in ennui,
Bart dreamed of wrapping
the place in T.P.
So off to the discount store
they did skulk.
With the evil intent
of buying in bulk.
They went to the school
and put up a ladder.
Only to wait
for Milhouse's bladder.
All that evening
they unfurled with delight.
And soon the school
was covered in white.
The mischievous boys
had done their best.
When an eagle approached,
needing a nest.
They tried to escape
with struggles and squirms.
But all they got
was a diet of worms.
There they remained
to this very day.
So now you know,
pranks do not pay.
Simpson!
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
(The Simpsons theme
performed by The Tiger Lillies)
Shh!
♪
♪ The Simpsons 23x11 ♪
The D'oh-cial Network
Original Air Date on January 15, 2012
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
D'oh!
So what are we doing here?
What, is it the thing where the
family runs in and sits down?
That's it?
We flew you in and
put you up for that?
I, I think
we're done here.
Paul.
(playing The Simpsons
theme song)
Lisa Simpson, your actions
have brought devastation
upon this town,
and all because
of your selfish desire
to be accepted
by others.
Leave her alone.
That's my only
talking daughter.
Lethal inject her
on the electric chair.
Bart, it's okay to say that
at home but not in court.
Take it back.
Withdrawn.
Now, Lisa, tell your side of the
story, and use your big voice.
Well, it all started
a couple of months ago.
Your Honor,
I'd like to request
that everyone in the court
picture in their minds
what the witness
is describing.
I'll allow it,
but no flights of fancy.
Like all too
many stories
about my family, it began with
somebody watching television.
Well, McBain,
you certainly picked
a bad time to come
out of retirement.
I hope you have
a COBRA plan.
You are suffering from
a reptile dysfunction.
Down in front.
Damn it,
why do kids have heads?
Homie, stop watching the movie
in the other people's car.
Oh, but I'm invested
in the characters.
You'll miss the turnoff
to the fancy new mall.
I make my own
turnoffs.
And that, kids, is
how you stick it
to the Towne Centre Real
Estate Investment Trust.
No, no, no.
Whoo-hoo!
Someone thinks
we're leaving.
I'll wave them off.
No, no, no, no, let's see how
long we can keep 'em waiting.
Everyone act like
we're buckling up to go home.
Homie.
Marge, if you were
married to Da Vinci,
you wouldn't tell
him not to Da Vinch.
Damn it, are you
leaving or not?!
Leaving?
Why on earth
would you think that?
We totally
wasted his time.
And ours.
This place
is so great.
When the trolley hits you,
it doesn't even hurt.
You try it, Maggie.
Ooh, condos.
Lenny, do you live here?
Yeah, I just
moved in.
I have a Drippin' Dots
for breakfast every morning;
at lunch, I get a massage
in front of strangers;
and then I spend the afternoon
browsing cell phone skins.
Ever get tired
of those dancing waters?
(Strauss' "The Blue Danube"
playing)
The day I moved in.
So what are we all going
to do together?
Actually, we just came to do
some shopping as a family.
Oh, no worries.
Mr. Mall can make
his own excitement.
Give me one doll
from every time period,
and set me up for a tea party
in a private room.
Lenny, you asked me to stop you
from coming back in here.
Let me help you.
You can help me by giving
me Ellis Island Emily.
Hi, dear, I'm your Uncle Lenny.
I'm going to buy you
an all-new wardrobe,
fix your teeth,
send you to the best schools,
and you're going to hate
and resent me for it
'cause you're an American now.
I was hanging on to these
gift cards as investments,
but then half the companies
went out of business.
Better sort those out.
Aw...
Aw...
D'oh!
Do-over.
Hmm.
Whoo-hoo!
Unspool it
into my mouth
till that card
is at zero.
Draw the curtain.
Sir, as a complexion
scientist,
I must advise you
against using any more.
This is the most powerful
hydrator we sell.
Less blathering,
more slathering.
Hey!
Watch it!
Yo, Bart dude.
Can I get a ride
to the food court?
Hop on.
Ho-ho!
Hmm.
I kind of want to
create my own thing.
Do you sell any
just plain sets?
No. We do
all the imagining for you.
Well, I'll
just buy one of these
and build something
different.
You do and you'd better
build yourself a lawyer.
Miss Simpson, does
the court really need to hear
everything that happened
in every store
your family visited?
Trust me, I've left a lot out
and cleaned up the swears.
Anyway, I ran into
some schoolmates
and thought they
might be friendly.
That's what kids do, right,
hang out at the mall together?
But when I went over...
Hi, guys, what
are you doing?
Duh, having feathers
woven into our hair.
Those girls are
snotty and shallow.
Tell them off.
Can I join you?
Lisa, how can
we put this?
You're the reason no one wears
Silly Bandz anymore.
Wha...?
They, they don't?
What the...?
Enough.
I don't trust this place.
Where are the cashiers?
Huh?
Oh.
Huh?
Oh.
Yeah, the lightest,
most desirable computer
in the world for the next
three weeks: the Mapple Void.
I'll take it,
provided you charge me
for services
that Google offers for free.
I already have.
Sweet.
This computer
is so great.
I'm watching the latest
Sofia Coppola movie
at 20x speed to make it seem
like a normal movie.
I think it
just froze.
Oh, no, no, that
bird just moved.
Uh-oh, a draggy backpack.
I have no friends.
Aw, sweetie, hey,
why don't you make friends
with my new computer?
- Okay.
- Let me just finish downloading
the complete works
of Shakespeare.
Now who's the greatest writer
of all time?
I'd have more friends
if I knew what people liked,
but I won't know what people
like unless I'm their friend.
It's a conundrum.
If
you want friends,
don't use words
like "conundrum."
Co-what-drum?
Jimbo heard me say it.
I'm dead.
Hmm.
It's easier to be friends
with lots of people online
than one person in person.
What if I started
an online meeting place
where all are equal
and I am the undisputed center?
How's this
for a conundrum?
It's not really
a conundrum.
Sit at my feet
and I will elaborate.
So, to summarize, Your Honor,
Lisa Simpson created
this "social network"
because she had
no friends.
No, that is
not true.
I...
May I remind you you're under oath?
All right
already.
I had no
friends.
With a attitude like that,
I wouldn't be her friend.
Life is
too dang short.
So, since I had no friends,
I assembled a motley crew
of the friendless to help me
construct my social network.
Did we become friends?
No.
As the CEO of SpringFace,
I want you all to have fun
as you write source code
until you fall asleep
at your consoles.
Delightful.
Here's my favorite
computer game: Angry Nerds.
Nelson, is there any way
I could be your friend?
The only way
I would be your friend
is if I could click a box
under your picture saying
"Accept friendship request
from."
Nelson, you've just given us
the template for our site.
I don't care.
If we don't move, his
odds of getting us both
are 374 to one.
Ooh-oo-ooh, ooh.
Bye.
Now, to skip ahead,
your diabolical plan
was an instant success.
I never said it was diabolical.
Withdrawn.
This social network
quickly unified
the disparate children
of Springfield Unified.
Oh, I just got invited
to make out with Shauna.
See?
That went out to 200 guys.
And seven girls.
Oh...
Santa's Little Helper's friends
with Snowball Two?
Now I've seen everything.
Ha, all my friends
have birthdays this year.
I just un-friended Skinner
Doggone it.
I'm less popular
than the hornet's nest
in the gym.
You said you were
getting rid of that nest.
We trade the honey
for chalk and yardsticks.
Hornets make honey?
Better than wasp honey,
not as good as bee.
Is this how you
talk on dates?
I wish my dates
were this interesting.
Hit refresh.
Hit refresh.
I have a thousand friends.
And only eight
of them are Milhouse.
A thousand kids?
If you could get each of
them to send you a dollar,
you'd be a millionaire.
Well, it's not just
kids using SpringFace,
it's moms
like me, Marge.
Wait a minute,
grownups are on this?
Yeah, look.
We've got to thank you, kiddo.
We've gotten so much more
action since we signed up
and used this picture
of ourselves.
That's not you.
You can see
our reflection
in the sunglasses.
Wow, I've created something
incredibly popular.
And I've created something
that created something
incredibly popular.
And I created
an alcoholic hippo.
You never showed it to me.
A stupid alcoholic hippo.
I still want to see it.
There is no hippo.
Then why did you say it?
'Cause you're the hippo.
Are you just saying that
'cause you don't want
me to see the hippo?
I don't have a hippo!
And so, this so-called
"SpringFace"
spread from the world
of children to adults.
Man, this Web site
makes talking drunk
to my wife so much safer.
I am sitting here...
zero sheets to the wind...
...counting the moments
to closing time
when I can stumble home to you.
Another round, Moe.
Uh-oh, did I type that?
Delete! Delete!
Hm, typing "delete"
does not delete.
It is gratifying to see
all of you bowing in prayer,
the light of God
shining on your faces.
Uh-oh, Bernice Hibbert keeps
"liking" Bumblebee Man'sos.
That's how it starts.
Tsk-tsk-tsk-tsk-tsk.
Why did I make this church
a Wi-Fi hotspot?
If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
Let's see, which Muppet am I?
Beaker?
Hm, I guess that's fair.
Friend, friend,
awaiting reply, friend...
Sherri? Terri?
Hopscotch?
Double Dutch?
Ringolivio?
Anyone?
Oh, I have a thousand friends,
and I feel more alone than ever.
Whee!
I am trying to
set a mood here.
Whee.
So, to sum up,
Lisa's social network
turned into the biggest
Internet failure since...
Well, there've been so many.
"Ask Jeeves," anyone?
And so SpringFace became
too big to control,
just like the 60-foot baby
in my self-published novel,
The 60 Ft. Baby.
Order it online now,
while you can still cheat
the government on sales tax.
As I was saying,
SpringFace was used
in ways I never expected.
Thanks for SpringFacing me
your head cleaver, Bart.
Check this out: I'm hiding a
bomb in this pile of corpses,
so when Kearney
loots their ammo,
he gets a face full
of ass shrapnel.
Damn, I got ass-shrapped!
What the...?!
That idiot cut me off.
I'm gonna run his plates,
find out who he is, then change
his SpringFace profile picture
to a shot of a monkey.
(chuckle
Get that, Marge?
A monkey!
Homer, watch the road.
Right.
Status update: Homer...
is... watching... the...
Dislike! Dislike!
Somebody call 911!
I don't know how to use
the phone on my phone.
Hey, did you guys get
my picture of the fire?
Yeah, I did;
nice grab.
I didn't get it yet.
Yeah, funny
how that works.
Lisa Simpson, can you
give us any reason
why the city should not force
you to shut down your site?
I know it's awful and insular
and caused 35 deaths,
but I had friends.
Four digits of friends!
I had a friend in common
with Malcolm Gladwell.
He friends everybody.
Fine.
I'll shut down the site.
♪ When you were here before
♪ Couldn't look you in the eye
Time to get a life.
♪ You're just like an angel
♪ Your skin makes me cry
We don't need your
crummy Web site.
We can make
anything into guns.
Lisa.
Lisa!
Want to play Marco
Polo with us?
We just realized you don't
have to play in a pool.
You really want me?
No.
We want your Dad.
Marco.
Come on, Lisa.
Polo!
Fish out of water.
♪ When you were here before
♪ Couldn't look you in the eye
♪ You're just like an angel
Hey, Winklevosses.
You're gonna lose yet again.
You should see
the expression on your faces.
Oh, wait, you can.
They're fat, they smoke,
they started
training a week ago.
Why can't we pull away?
Because we can't
stop concentrating
on that $65 million
Facebook settlement,
which somehow wasn't
enough for us.
Even though we were rich
in the first place.
So long, you big babies!
Hope you like
the taste of silver!
Help us, Larry Summers!
Come on, Wonder twin!
Pull!
- And now, for a Simpsons
- "Show's Too Short" story.
Once there was
a young rascal named Bart.
This lad was trouble
from the very start.
When it came to mischief,
he had a black thumb.
It didn't hurt
that his daddy was dumb.
And when it came
to best friends,
it was Milhouse who picked him.
Sometimes the sidekick,
sometimes the victim.
Then one day
at school engulfed in ennui,
Bart dreamed of wrapping
the place in T.P.
So off to the discount store
they did skulk.
With the evil intent
of buying in bulk.
They went to the school
and put up a ladder.
Only to wait
for Milhouse's bladder.
All that evening
they unfurled with delight.
And soon the school
was covered in white.
The mischievous boys
had done their best.
When an eagle approached,
needing a nest.
They tried to escape
with struggles and squirms.
But all they got
was a diet of worms.
There they remained
to this very day.
So now you know,
pranks do not pay.
Simpson!
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
(The Simpsons theme
performed by The Tiger Lillies)
Shh!