The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 23, Episode 10 - Politically Inept, with Homer Simpson - full transcript

Homer becomes the host of a popular political talk show, starts an "everyman" movement in Springfield, and ends up hand-picking Ted Nugent as the Republican nominee for president.

Whoa, whoa!

(exclaiming)

(school bell ringing)

(Barney belches)

(whistle blows)

(yells)

(beeping)

(playing the blues)

(playing the blues)

(tires screeching)

D'oh!



(tires screeching)

(grunts)

(gunshot)

Hmm.

(grunts)

Uh! Mom!

♪ The Simpsons 23x10 ♪
Politically Inept With Homer
Original Air Date on January 8, 2012

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Sync for 720p.web-dl.ctrlHD by sn655321

(crowd grumbling)

Next.

Finally. The only thing
I wait in lines this long for

are slightly better cell phones.

Why do we even have to
go to this stupid wedding?

Cousin Kathy invited us so
our feelings wouldn't be hurt.



And we're going so her feelings
won't be hurt.

I just don't understand
the world of grown-ups.

Sorry, sir, your bag is
two pounds over the limit.

Are you sure everything
inside is essential?

Absolutely.

Let me just redistribute
our thingies

amongst our various bags.

High school yearbooks...

I told you not to pack them!

(quietly): Don't argue in front of
the airport line.

Strangers are judging
our marriage!

Lisa, do you really need all
these Kurt Vonnegut novels?

They self-reference each other.

Marge, do we really need
all these feminine products?

That's toothpaste!

Yes, but I never use
that kind of toothpaste!

Why don't you put one
of those weights in that bag

and put the other one
in that bag?

(satisfied chuckle)

Try to catch one
on your tongue.

LISA:
We're not with him.

We'll need to have a special
agent check this out.

(belches)

You're clear.

Now I have to
change the nipple.

True patriots breastfeed.

(groans)

Sir, you've been
selected for a pat-down.

Whoo-hoo!

Can you focus
on my shoulders?

That's where I
carry my stress.

Now, if I fart, that's
'cause I'm so relaxed.

(humming)

Sir, there isn't
enough room.

Yes, there is!

HOMER:
Whoo-hoo!

(sighs)

Welcome to flight 55

to Bozeman, Montana
by way of Miami.

Due to an unforeseen jailbreak
in New South Wales,

our takeoff is going to be
just a little bit delayed.

So, we're going to be
turning off the air,

but ethnic people
are permitted to open

and eat their home-cooked food.

HOMER:
Huh?

What the...?

Crazy food indeed,
my friend.

(chuckling)

(slurping)

(people coughing,
babies crying)

CAPTAIN:
Good news, folks.

We've been cleared to taxi
back to the terminal.

You still can't get off,
but you will be able

to look through the window
and see other people

walking around
and making fun of us.

No word on takeoff.

(frustrated grunting)

Sir, return
to your seat.

But I have to go
to the bathroom.

You should have thought of that

before you drank the fluids
you need to live.

(groaning)

Don't tread on pee!

(whooping)

We probably
have rights!

Yeah!

(grunting)

Airlines don't treat people
like people anymore.

You make us beg
for a filthy pillow

that a barnyard rat

wouldn't curl up and die in.

And watch pre-taped messages

that make crashing
look like fun!

Never putting me
next to a pretty girl.

(groans)

(passengers muttering)

We're going to need
the air marshal.

(clears throat)

Now you've done it!

(sniffs)

(screams)
I need backup!

Come on, ladies.

You're all
deputies now.

(whimpers)

Look, all I want
is what everybody wants:

preferential treatment.

(grunts)

You can check my carry-on,
but you can't check my spirit.

And why is there moisture
between the windows?

And don't wake me up to land.

Just land!

(grunting)

(passengers screaming)

(grunts, screams)

I regret nothing!

Except this part.

(cheering)

(groans)

This is the last airline
that would take us.

Looks like we're back
to traveling

on tramp steamers
and produce trucks.

I call shotgun!

It's too early
to call shotgun.

It's never too early
to call shotgun.

No one's shotgun!

Now, be quiet.

(groans)

I'm still going to make
my flight, right?

'Cause, if not,
you have to put me up

in a first-class hotel.

That's how it works. I...

(gagging)

(Homer grunting)

(chuckling)

"Fatso Goes Nutso."

And post to YouTube
with the following key words:

"fat," "stupid,"
"classic Simpsons,"

and just to be safe,

"baby rides kitten
rides penguin."

(chuckles) Perfect.

You can check my carry-on,

but you can't check my spirit.

And why is there moisture
between the windows?

And don't wake me up to land.

Just land!

(bell chimes)

(muffled): A six-pack
of Duff, please.

Oh, yes, Mr. Homer.

(groans)

What gave me away?

Well, the hot dogs spin
counterclockwise in fear

whenever you are near, sir.

Uh, why are you in disguise?

Because of that dumb viral video
with 150 million hits,

I can't go out in public.

Hey, it's the guy
from the plane.

(sighs)

(cheering)
Hey, way to go!

Wha...?
You said what we all think,

but don't have the bones to say.

When I heard Homer speak,
I no longer felt small.

They love me.

The quiet Homer Simpson
that kept it all

bottled up inside is dead.

This is the birth
of Homer Simpson, blowhard.

I'm on the roll of my life.

Give me a scratcher.

Give me another one.

Almost a winner.

ANNOUNCER:
Head Butt with Nash Castor.

I'm Nash Castor.

Coming up, we butt heads
with Ron Paul, Rand Paul,

Paul Ryan
and Mitt "the Wonder" Romney.

But first, we're here
with this guy

my kid said was a thing:
Homer Simpson.

- Whoo-hoo! I'm famous again!
- Yes,

your video has been mashed-up,

Auto-Tuned, Jimmy Falloned,

Philippine prisonered,

and occasionally even watched.

Ha! But can you save America
from its last savior?

- Adriatica Veljohnson.
- Nash,

in this
kicked-in-the-teeth world,

what we don't need
is another blustering bloat bag

who claims to speak for Bubba
and Britney Spray-Cheese.

That's really smart.

That's like something
I would say.

Precisely, Nash.

That's a great point,
Adriatica.

Well, if I could
explain myself...

Head butt!
(groans)

We'll be right back after this.

Come here, you.

(moaning, giggling)

Homie, you can win
this argument.

Just rant and rave like you do
to the TV during sports.

Yes. Yes. Got it!

DIRECTOR:
Uh, five seconds to air.

(clears throat)

And we're back
with Homer Simpson,

who's about to become
a soggy Pamper

flung to the side of history's
freeway in three, two...

Not so fast!
(gasps)

Now, I may not be some
mani-pedied TV blowhard,

but I do speak
for the common man

who does his lousy job,
goes to church twice a year

and watches women's tennis

'cause he likes
to hear them grunt.

I bet Chuck the cameraman
and Steve the sound guy

know where I'm coming from.

Yeah, that's what I'm
talking about.

Those real people out there

who buy their coffee
from the mini-mart

and grab enough sugar packs
for a week.

Honest, hardworking,
sugar-stealing Americans!

(crew cheering)
DIRECTOR: Cut.

Nash, I'm scared.

Find me a rich
husband-- quick!

Dad, you out-talked
the talking heads.

From now on,
when someone asks me,

I'm going to say
you are my father.

Aw, son.

Now I regret bad-mouthing you
to that girl you liked.

Homer, the way you
just demolished

our number-one
on-air personality was...

fantastic!

You are the kind
of ill-informed gasbag

this network
cannot get enough of.

We only have 11 now.

Not to mention
our liberal straw man.

♪ Oh, the plain
and simple facts is ♪

♪ I'd love to raise your taxes

♪ And make your
children gay... ♪

But what we don't
have is someone

who speaks to the
average American.

Your flyover Franks,
your dirt-bike Daryls.

How can you refer
to your audience that way?

Well, what you
do is take

a derogatory term and
think of other words

that start with the same letter.
- Hmm.

Homer, you're getting
your own show.

Finally.

But I want to do it my way:

classy and sophisticated.

Welcome to Gut Check
with Homer Simpson!

Where the truth is served
with a side of... in your face.

I am Homer Simpson.

(chickens clucking)

America's latest teller of truth
with a book deal on the side.

Audio book
read by Lenny.

I'm not just another loudmouth.

I'm a loudmouth who says things
you're afraid to say,

but not racist things!

Let's go to the map.

Zoomy, zoomy, zoomy.

Dateline: Nebraska.

A high school principal
has decided

that football is too dangerous,

so he's replacing it
with... soccer.

Are you ready
for Irish announcers

with lyrical accents?

"Oh, that's a lovely touch.

Oh, such a beautiful form."

If we lose football,

we lose the blitz, cheerleaders,

Rudys, Ochocincos,

something for fat kids to play.

(sobbing)

Ochocincos.

(sobbing)

Oh, yeah, that's right.

It's already happening, people.

Hoard your toilet paper.

Shoot the mailman!

(sobbing):
Shoot the mailman.

Is it a little weird
how much he cries?

No way. When a guy
who loves America cries,

it makes him super straight.

This is going so great.

I'm already
a Halloween mask!

That's not you.

They just painted Shrek yellow.

It's still a great honor.

Dad, I'm glad your show
is successful,

but I have to ask you:
what's with the crying?

Great question.

I know you children have never
seen your father cry before.

Marge, do we have
any more gravy?

No, we're out.

(sobbing):
Why?

Oh, why?!

Homie, I'm glad
you're passionate,

I just hope you're not
riling people up with your show.

Oh, Marge, don't worry.

People know
I'm doing a character,

like Stephen Colbert
or Newt Gingrich.

Welcome back to Gut Check.

I have something very, very
pro-American to share with you.

Come with me.

D'oh! Death
to America!

I mean, over here.

You all know I'm a big fan
of American meat.

Although, sometimes you got to
cut off some of the gristle.

(roars)

Take that, centers of
art and commerce!

And this country has something
extra that makes our meat

the juiciest,
most melt-in-your-mouth,

stay-in-your-heart meat
in the world.

That's right, I'm talking about
the gravy of freedom.

When March Madness spills
into April, that's the gravy.

When someone messes with you,

and you invade the country
that did it plus another one,

that's the gravy.

When you stick your flag
in the moon

and say "Now we're done trying,"
that's the gravy!

So get on the boat.

The gravy boat!

Good night and good gravy.

Great show, people.

Great show.

Um. not a big deal,
but next time,

can we use real gravy
instead of brown paint?

Not a big deal.

So, what's this
with the gravy boat?

Just an innocuous little symbol,

like a smiley face
or like an I.O.U.

You know, symbols can often
rile people up.

The swastika,
the New York Yankees logo.

(laughs):
Oh.

Don't worry, sweetie.

I think I know how to
whip up an audience

just short
of a frenzy.

(clamoring)

Why did I make this
a loss leader?

The gravy boat movement
is spreading across the nation

like a rumor about
some kid and someone's mom

hooking up at a high school.

With the presidential primaries
coming up

and an entrenched incumbent
in office,

Republican leaders
have no choice but to court

this movement's inglorious
baster, Homer Simpson.

Marge, I'm going to meet with

the Republican establishment
and pick their nominee.

If there's sandwiches there,
you want me to bring some back?

Speaking for Lisa and me,

we're not really
110% behind you anymore.

Then what percent above 100
are you behind me?

Um, none.

Only 100%?!

(groans)

Homie, I love you,

and I'm glad we're finally
using our wedding china,

but when you're
helping to pick

the next leader
of the free world...

Dad, you shouldn't do this.

It's not fair
how much influence you have.

Now, Lisa, I'm
an entertainer.

And you can't entertain and
inform at the same time.

And if you're Access
Hollywood, you do neither.

(chuckles)

(thunder rumbles)

Hmm. Hmm.

Now, they're all
excellent choices,

so simply pick the white
male candidate you prefer

and we'll elect him.

I don't know.

Can't we get
Chris Christie to run?

I don't think so.

(choking)

Save me, ObamaCare!

Yeah, maybe I'll vote Democrat.

The great thing is,
when they get in,

they act like Republicans.

MAN: No one's voting Democrat
while I can still draw a bow.

(gasps)

(gasps)

Ted Nugent.

I made love on my honeymoon
to your sweet music.

You're my man!

You're endorsing Ted Nugent
for president?

He's a right-wing rock star
who likes everything I hate!

Could there be anyone awesomer?

Who's hungry for elk?

(screams)

Hmm.

My daughter's a vegetarian.

That's all right,
she can munch on an antler.

Antlers ain't meat.

I thought I smelled
death-a-diddly.

What is that, an
eight-pointer?

From the looks
of that moustache,

I'm guessing you're
a tenured professor

at the People's Republic
of Berkeley.

Hey, the only left-wing thing
about me is the way I write.

(grunts)

Oh, that's just fine,

as long as you're
not a Mormon.

Dad, you cannot
endorse Ted Nugent.

I mean, sure,
we all love his music...

Oh, yeah.
No question about it.

I love that guy.
We listen to it.

But he's out of his mind!

He can't run for president!

I bagged me a fat little badger.

Please, kind
sir, have pity.

All I hear is
"chitter-chitter."

(snoring)

(snoring)

MAN:
Arise, Homer Simpson!

Huh? Who's there?

(screams)
Mozart!

I am James Madison, sir.
(screams)

Fourth president
of these United States.

Ooh.

Now, come, and I shall

teach you of democracy.

Can we get some pizza
on the way?

Everything's closed.

They sell some
at the gas station.

I don't want
gas station pizza.

(whinnies)

So, how come your picture's
not on money?

Actually, I'm on
the $5,000 bill.

Do you give them out
for fans?

'Cause I'm a fan.

I want to
show you something.

What's this?

Some kind of
bicentennial lemon party?

These are the framers of
the Constitution, Homer.

This great nation is built upon
the hard work of,

well, as you would say, nerds.

Nerds!

You want I should mess them up?

I want you
should not mess!

You are an embarrassment to
the aristocratic slaveholders

who forged this
mighty nation.

But gravy is
the freedom where...

Silence!

Founding
Fathers, to me!

(grunting)

(gasps)

"Congress shall have the power
to lay and collect taxes"?!

"No new states shall be formed

"or erected
within the jurisdiction

of any other state"?!

No, no, John Hancock.

I don't need insurance.

Sam Adams, I'm sorry
I made fun of your winter ale.

Homie, wake up.

(gasps)
It was all a dream.

Oh, Marge,
Oscar Madison came to me

and told me that politics are
serious and important!

(yawns)

Lisa, you were right!

I'm not going to endorse
anybody for anything.

(kids screaming)

(muffled grunting)

Oh, Dad!

I'm so glad you've heard
the voice of reason.

Yes, the will of the people
should not be subverted

by demagogues who--
hey, what's this?

"Springfield Colonial Village"?

What the...?

You faked it!

Lisa, how could you?

It wasn't just
her, Homie.

It was all of us.

I did it just to
mess with your mind.

That's what a play
within a play is for!

(choking)

No strangling
on school days!

Well, if there's one thing
I don't like being taught,

it's a lesson!

I'm so mad.

Not only will I endorse
Ted Nugent,

but I will call for an end to
the direct election of senators!

Dad, no!

Really? That
made sense?

Then I'm definitely
doing it.

Folks, because I love
democracy so much,

I command you to
vote for this man

whom I alone have selected
as your next president.

Now to baptize his candidacy
with my tears.

The words "strutting stadium
rocker" are overused these days,

but when I first
met Ted Nugent...

(gasps)

Uh, huh?

My emotions were
so powerful.

Come on, hurry up and cry
so I can get elected

and open up the San Diego Zoo
for big game hunting.

(grunting)

It's not working. But why?

Maybe because,
deep down,

you know you don't believe
in what you're doing.

Oh, my God, she's right.

My lips will say anything,
but my eyes know the truth!

My ears are
keeping their mouth shut.

My fellow Americans,
I am full of crap.

I knew you were, Dad.

(sobbing)

I always knew!

(sobbing)

Well, for one brief, glorious
moment, I was almost president,

sort of, not really.

Now, let me just play a sweet
song that I'll never hear.

♪ Hail to me ♪

♪ I'm the presidential gonzo ♪

♪ Hunt with a bow 'cause
it's silent like the night ♪

♪ Eat mooses raw so their souls
go into my soul ♪

♪ I'll move the White House
to Kalamazoo. ♪

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Sync for 720p.web-dl.ctrlHD by sn655321

TED: ♪ There is a new national anthem
that is sweeping the land ♪

♪ And it was written by me ♪

♪ And it popped into my head
while I was washing my dog ♪

♪ Suck on that,
Francis Scott Key ♪

♪ Oh, I got a good song fever ♪

♪ Ted Nugent fever ♪
HOMER: ♪ Something, something fever ♪

TED: Sing it, Homer!

HOMER: ♪ I got this song fever ♪

TED/HOMER:
♪ We got America fever ♪

♪ We got America fever ♪

TED: ♪ U.S. of A! ♪
HOMER: ♪ U.S. of A. ♪

HOMER: Great song, Ted!

When's our next gig?

Are we going to New York or...?

Shh!

HOMER: Oh...