The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 23, Episode 1 - The Falcon and the D'Ohman - full transcript

Good evening.

Tonight we reveal to you
the fate of Nedna.

I have devoted my summer
to a more meaningful task

salvaging
Mr. Popper's Penguins online.

Anyway...the answer
to Ned and Edna

is carefully hidden
in tonight's episode,

like a bread crumb
lodged inside my stomach crease.

Enjoy.

("Walking on the Moon"
by The Police playing)

Whoa!

What the...?



Aha!

♪ Quiet steps are what I take ♪

♪ Sneaking in at noon ♪

♪ Just in time
for my lunch break ♪

♪ Got my fork and spoon ♪

♪ Time the cameras just right ♪

♪ Duck in the bathroom ♪

Hi, Homer!

♪ I'm still drunk
from last night ♪

♪ Got driven home ♪

♪ I don't know by whom ♪

♪ Some may say ♪

♪ I don't deserve any pay ♪

♪ But hey ♪



♪ I came up with '60s Day ♪

♪ Last May. ♪

♪ The Simpsons 23x01 ♪
The Falcon and the D'Ohman
Original Air Date on September 25, 2011

While I'm here,
I might as well pre-punch out.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

Hmm, we've had
a lot of bills lately.

Better put in some overtime.

Larry, my man!

Hey, you're
not Larry.

How come you're
not Larry?

I wouldn't know, sir.

Uh, listen,
if you could indulge me,

Larry and I fist-bump
every morning.

Like that.

The warmth of human contact

with a manly whiff of violence.

Eh?

Not interested.

Wha...?!

Sheesh!

Hey, what's with that
new security guard?

He's acting
all aloof.

Uh, by the way, that's my
"he's."

Maybe I was
a little hard on him,

expecting him to be Larry
right away.

By the way, where is Larry?

Crazy house.
Violent ward.

Good ol' Larry.

Say... Wayne,

I couldn't help but notice

that your breath doesn't
smell like alcohol.

You want to go grab
a beer after work?

I prefer not to have social
interaction with coworkers.

It, um, hasn't worked
out for me in the past.

Well, maybe he just
doesn't like fist-bumping.

Hey, Wayne.

As God as my witness,
this fist will be bumped!

Put that
fool thing down.

We now return to

Extreme Snack Edition.

Marge, your ratio of peanut
butter to cracker was spot on.

And I loved the addition
of the thin slice of apple.

This was a great
plate of food.

Thank you.

This is my third favorite
reality cooking show.

For your prize, you have won
a brand-new kitchen,

which I will now become.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

I miss my soul patch.

Oh.

Kids, enjoy your
extreme snack.

Wait, this tastes different.

I put a slice of apple in it.

Gross.

You know
I hate surprises.

You tricked us.

I like routine.
I like routine.

Did you have
a hard day, too?

Ah, a guy at work
seems not to like me.

I guess it's not much

when you look at real problems
in the world,

like Major League umpires
not using instant replay.

It's big to you.

Would you like
a get well pork chop?

I love you so much.

Potatoes and gravy
on the side, please.

Charlie, want to
grab a beer?

No, I was tipsy last night
when a telephone survey called,

so I told them
to call back tonight

for more accurate answers.

Oh. Okay.

Wayne!

Want a ride?

I can walk.

All right, Homer,
you win.

You know, I just got a little
chill when you said my name.

Every town I go to,

I run into some guy
just like this.

Look, I'm not
weird or anything,

I just like to feel like
I'm friends with everybody.

Homer, you're a nice guy.

I'll have one beer
with you.

After that, we will have

a courteous professional
relationship, and that's it.

No secret Santa,
we're not trading lunches,

Oh!
and I don't want you

calling me at home and saying
"Turn on channel six."

But what if the weather girl...

I don't care!

Wow, I can't believe
Homer bagged the tiger.

Excuse me, I need to use the...

Men's room!

Oh, my God.

We're completing
each other's...

Completing each other's...

sen... ten... ces...

Totally surprising entrance!

Hand over your
cash and jewelry.

Pronto.

Hmm. Hmm.

Okay, now,
don't want no trouble.

Let me just get my cash
out of my cash drawer here.

Just, uh, lining up all
the presidents, nice and neat.

Ain't trying to be no hero.

Uh...

Uh, here you go.

Thanks for the upgrade.

Ha-ha!

Wayne?

Stand back, Homer!

I know what I'm doing.

Well, we all know
what we're doing.

The question is,

is it an appropriate
reaction to the situation?

Drunks are so boring.

My fresco!

That's coming out
of your stealings!

Wayne, maybe it's the me
being still alive talking,

but I think you're awesome.

I'm just a guy who saw what
needed to be done and did it.

Oh, speaking of which, let's
get these eggs back in a jar.

Wow, that's the farthest
that one of my eggs

ever made it down
someone's throat.

It's great to have
a home-cooked meal.

Well, if anyone
saves my Homie's life,

they get a free meal.

Which actually comes up
about once a week.

So, Wayne,
how'd you learn

all those cool
self-defense moves?

I had training.

Special training.

The kind they're not allowed
to give anymore.

Sorry.

I have to go.

Oh, come on,
stay for dessert!

Hey, Simpson, you want to hear
about the big change in my life?

Sure, why not.

I started drinking
orange juice with pulp.

I asked the Reverend,
and he said it was okay.

Then he hung
right up on me.

That man is cranky at
3:00 in the morning.

And here he is, this
week's Noble Nobody.

What the...

A quiet, unassuming
security guard

who foiled a robbery
at a local tavern,

as seen in this Taiwanese
animated dramatization.

Please, sir,
just let me do my job.

Pish tush.

Wayne, as a reward for
your valiant fisticuffery,

I hereby award you

the Springfield Nuclear Plant
Silver Safety Hat.

Thanks to you, Wayne,

we did not lose the
visible half of the moon.

Just doing my job, sir.

All too well.

I'm afraid that protocol demands

that I totally
erase your memory.

Die, you fascist bastard!

Mother, is that you?

Wayne, stop!
That's Mr. Burns!

Ooh.

I expect insolence,
but rank insolence?

Off with his job!

Damn it.

Why don't you
come stay with us

till you can get
back on your feet?

Really? Are you sure?

Of course.

I mean, how long
could it be?

I don't know.

I've got no job, no references,
can't afford my apartment.

It's best to concentrate
on what you do have.

I have reoccurring flashbacks
to a nightmarish past.

That's funny, because I have

reoccurring flash-forwards
to a nightmarish future.

Unfair! Unfair!

That robot took our jobs!

He said it.

Or, uh, maybe it was him.

Man, this robot really gets me.

My nightmares are real.

Your voice is so gravelly,
just like Lauren Bacall's.

If you don't listen to me,
Senator,

there's not going to be
a Fourth of July!

- Don't you get it?
- He used the governor's eyeball

for the retinal scan!

That's ten members
of the electoral college

dead in one day!

If you don't give me
those launch codes,

you'll never be able to make
the "okay" sign again.

I know the map
is inside your eyelids,

and I will turn them
inside out if I have to!

If you move that little top hat
to St. James Place,

we'll all be blown
to kingdom come!

Bring me every fish
in that aquarium!

One of them is lying!

I'm sorry I have
so many nightmares.

I've done
unspeakable things,

from Buenos Aires
to the Ukraine.

Well, what brought you
to Springfield?

Was it our Frito-Lay
distribution center?

I needed somewhere to lie low.

Your town appears
on no maps or charts.

Yeah, they couldn't find
a Google map photo

without me naked
or urinating.

And when there was
a mapmaker's convention here,

they all got
Lou Gehrig's disease.

Not the one you're
thinking of--

there's
another one.

So, Lisa, if you press
on Bart's elbow,

here,
Ow!

he'll tell you
anything you want to know.

I admit it!
I let Milhouse

lie down in your bed!

Kids, can I talk
to Wayne alone a minute?

Remember everything they say,
and tell us later in rattle code.

What do you mean, no?

I don't know if you
should teach our children

advanced interrogation
techniques.

I'm sorry, Marge.

Sometimes I forget where I am.

Apology accepted.

Now, could you teach me
a couple little driving tricks?

We'll see who gets their pick

of pizza pockets!

Give us your lunch money!

What gives, man?

Where'd you
learn that stuff?

If I told you,
I'd have to kill you.

Can I tell you?

No! I won't listen!

We can't keep serving
the same thing every day.

These kids have mashed potatoes
coming out of their ears.

Point taken.

(playing "Dance of the Knights"
by Prokofiev)

Oh, my God.
That song.

I can't live in the
real world anymore.

This is the real world?

Hallelujah!
I'm still alive!

Ha-ha! And I'll
appreciate every moment!

Except the ones that aren't
as good as they used to be.

Which is all of them.

Oh, someone kill me.

Ah, junk, junk.

Beyoncé confirms she will play
at my daughter's sweet 16 party.

Humorous YouTube
sent by my brother.

Mildly funny, at best.

Eh, sometimes they
are good for giggle.

"Auto-tune disaster victim."

♪ Hiding in the basement ♪

♪ Hiding
in the basement ♪

♪ And I'm, like,
where's the cat? ♪

♪ Where's, where's the cat? ♪

Hmm...

"Crazy man attacks boss."

It's him.

American agent who caused
the death of everyone I loved!

You want to give it
zero stars?

No! We will go to...

Springfield, America,

and kill this man.

But first...

♪ Here, kitty, kitty, kitty ♪

♪ Here, kitty,
kitty, kitty ♪

♪ Oh, you're an angel now. ♪

♪ Washing out the dog poo ♪

♪ Sure beats picking it up ♪

♪ Flanders' driveway ♪

♪ Is my goal ♪

I am looking for
a man named Wayne.

Oh. He's gone.
I don't know where he went.

Are you friend of his?

He has no friends.

Except me!

I see you are tight
like borscht and beets.

Tell me, if we kidnapped
a friend of Wayne's,

would he attempt
to rescue that friend?

Well, I suppose if the friend
was being horribly tortured...

H-Hey, wha? Wha? Wha?

No! Not the middle seat!

a local man has been kidnapped

by Ukrainian gangsters.

We've received
the following video.

Death to America!

Stick to script.
Fine.

I am being held somewhere
in the Springfield area.

Turn the card.

Hold up today's
newspaper.

What will you guys use when
there aren't newspapers anymore?

Perhaps we will be living
in a world where there'll

be no need to kidnap.

Oh, well, way
to make me feel obsolete.

Oh, look-- here's
a coupon for scissors

that you have to cut out!
Thanks, geniuses!

Shut up.

Hey, hey, hey,
what are you doing!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

This is no way
to treat the talent.

Shut up!

Oh, God.

I know that voice.

♪ ♪

Viktor?

Darling, I told you
to stay in your room.

I told you
the bedspread smells funny.

♪ ♪

Nyet...!

Marge...

I'll get your
husband back.

How are you going
to find him?

Homer is implanted with several
highly powerful tracking chips.

How did that happen?

I left that out in a bowl
and he ate them.

I'd take a moment
to enjoy those store names

if I didn't have a job to do.

♪ ♪

Nyet...!

Get out of here!

Ow!

Aah! I won
a silver medal in Nagano--

ow!-- and now this!

Oh... cold...

so cold...

So, Wayne,

once again you
crash my party?

So cold!
Warm me up!

Stop it!

Just let me put my hands

under your armpits.

So much violence
on the surface world.

I'm going back.

Cold... so cold...

Now you can see why I
can't stay in one place.

Not here,
not anywhere.

How about living on a train
that's always moving?

You ever eat on a train, Marge?
What they call a steak

is barely a hamburger.
Now, Homer,

there's one more
thing before I go.

Aw.

That's what I call closure.

Good-bye.

Yes, Maggie, we will
have a use for you soon.

Stay close
to your busy box.

Wait!

I know a place you can go!

A place where a sadistic man
with government experience

can feel right at home.

Sir, this is
the wrong form.

Can you hold my space
while I go get the right one?

Nobody held my space when I
was in a North Korean prison

being forced to write a
musical about Kim Jung Il

with a car battery
hooked up to my nipples!

Well...

♪ ♪

Pardon me, sir,

can you tell me
where palace is?

What business do you
have at the palace?

Why, someday I'm going
to be dear leader.

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

You? You are too benevolent
to be dear leader!

Let's see what they think.

♪ "K" is Korea,
just the north part ♪

♪ "I" is for
the Internet he bans ♪

♪ "M" is for the millions
that are missing ♪

♪ "J" is for
a human-tasting jam ♪

♪ "O" is for oh, boy,
we love our leader ♪

♪ "N" is for
the best Korea, North ♪

♪ "G" is for gee whiz,
we love our leader, mmm... ♪

We just wanted to give you all
a big thank you from Team Nedna.

It's nice to know people
still believe in love.

Now, wait just a minute--

how come I wasn't an
option in this contest?

Typical Seymour!

Waits till the
polls have closed

before throwing his
hat in the ring.

you'll never give me a grandchild.

Thank you.

Oh...

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

Shh!

Shush me again, and
I'll take your head clean off.