The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 22, Episode 7 - How Munched Is That Birdie in the Window? - full transcript
Bart adopts a carrier pigeon, but Santa's Little Helper eats it.
Ooh!
D'oh!
Mm-hmm...
Ooh!
D'oh!
♪ The Simpsons 22x07 ♪
How Munched Is That Birdie in the Window
Original Air Date on November 28, 2010
Oh, don't be scared, boys.
That's just the angels bowling.
And so The Bloody Hangman,
his hair sticky with blood,
skittered along the
cobblestones,
gunk dripping
from his one good eye,
singing his evil land chantey.
♪ Ker-shaw, ker-shew ♪
♪ I'm after you ♪
♪ With my bloody noose ♪
♪ Strong enough
to hang ten moose ♪
♪ Ker-shaw, ker-shew ♪
♪ It's just a story ♪
♪ But it's really true! ♪
Homer, are you
scaring those kids?
No, I'm not!
Yes, I am.
The Bloody Hangman walks on his
stubby bone feet
through the plague-ridden
streets of London...
You said it was Boston.
Did I?
Anyway, The Bloody Hangman
set to his gory work.
Bodies piled up like those
stackable plastic chairs.
Like those chairs
in the music room?
Possibly!
The Hangman's here!
♪ Ker-shaw, ker-shew,
my lies have come true! ♪
Huh. It's a pigeon.
Aw, the poor guy
hurt his wing.
Hey, there's a
number on him.
What is it?
I bet it's a
combination to a safe!
Or, more likely, the phone
number of the bird's owner.
Ask about the safe.
No, better yet, act like you
know about the safe.
Hello.
Yes, I believe I have your
pigeon, "Raymond Bird,"
and I need to know how
to return him to you.
He's a homing pigeon, girlie.
Why don't you let him fly home?
Unless you want
to spring for a limo.
Yes, he could fly home, except
that he has a broken wing.
Perhaps you and your sarcasm
could come to Springfield
and retrieve him.
Are you kidding?
Wherever I go, 200 birds gotta
come with me.
And they all want to sit in the
front seat with Daddy.
Looks like you're going to have
to take care of him, Bart.
Me? Just what in my long,
sad history with frogs
makes you think I can
take care of a bird?
No, no...
Listen, don't tell
anyone, but...
I can't stand pigeons!
They're like rats with wings!
He's crawling on your arm.
Oh... Okay, maybe
he's not so bad.
Oh! No! No! No! Get off!
Get off! Get off!
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
Okay, Ray, your wing is healed.
Go on.
Live your life.
Aw, c'mon, man.
Admit it-- you knew this day
would come.
♪ ♪
You and I have shared too many
seed bells
to just walk away from this.
Go ahead,
make fun of me.
I lost my heart to a bird.
Haw-haw.
Man, you were not into that.
What's wrong?
My mom ran off
with my birthday clown.
All finished, boy.
That coop looks a little flimsy.
Flimsy?
This gentle pat says different.
D'oh!
Now that you're
officially my bird,
let me fill you in on the
pecking order around here.
The top dog is me, followed by
the top dog, the dog...
then the cat and then you...
But don't feel bad.
You're ahead of Milhouse.
C'mon Bart. How long
can you stay mad?
I thought your race car was
a Transformer!
Nothing's one thing anymore!
Sorry, man, it's still too soon.
No problem. I'll just be right
behind this fence,
whenever you're ready
to forgive me.
Now? Do you
forgive me now?
Now? Now?
I'm scared, Bart.
Bored by black and
white footage of World War II?
Recently uncovered
color footage
will get you back in the game!
Order this DVD now,
featuring dictator commentary
by Hitler and Mussolini.
And as a special bonus, the
story of the carrier pigeon--
the Allies' winged warrior.
General Patton, this bird
has a message for you.
There's a bomb in my helmet.
Caesar can have his eagle,
Alexander the Great
his gryphon...
I'll take the American
fighting pigeon any damn day!
♪ ♪
Wow, Ray, you have hidden
talents!
Is he good at tic-tac-toe,
like that chicken I played, lost
to, and ate at the State Fair?
No, I was thinking
we could use him to send
messages back and forth.
Way ahead of you.
Mom, why am I so
repulsed by pigeons?
It doesn't make any sense.
I'm a member of People for the
Ethical Treatment of Amoebas,
The League of Women Vultures,
the NAAC Porcupines,
Kids For Squids,
the ACL Unicorns,
Clamnesty International
and, uh...
well, those are the best ones.
Sweetie, everyone has an
animal they can't stand.
Indiana Jones had snakes,
the Grizzly Man had
grizzlies, and...
you know,
I'm not crazy about opossums.
Really?
Those creepy little claws...
Opossum!
Mom, it's just Maggie.
Oh!
Aww... Who's a possum?
You're a possum.
What's that?
I'll tell you later.
465 divided by seven equals...
Ooh!
What the...?!
All right, I won't ask who sent
this note
if I can use the bird to send
a note of my own.
As long as it means
we're not learning.
Deal.
"Every day since we broke up
is the greatest day of my life."
Is that from Edna?
I feel for you, Seymour.
If you ever need a shoulder to
lean on, I'm here for you.
"P.S., Chalmers and I
are doing it"?!
She was on the
rebound from Willie.
Ooh, a carrier pigeon.
Perhaps an update on
the siege of Khartoum.
"Do a ballet dance without
no clothes on."
Bad grammar, good advice.
♪ ♪
I'll... catch up
with you guys later.
♪ ♪
Hey, Homer, you ever think
about racing that bird?
You can race pigeons?
Hey, if it moves,
you can bet on it.
What about the
Detroit Lions?
Now, now, lay off Detroit.
Them people is living in
Mad Max times.
But I was thinking
you could enter this bird
in the annual Springfield
to Shelbyville Birditarod.
Hmm?
Hmm.
Me, the patriarch
of a bird-racing dynasty.
Congratulations, Homer.
Danica Patrick
in my thoughts!
That's right, Homer.
I'm contractually
obligated by my sponsors
to appear in random
fans' fantasies.
Better not tell
Marge about this.
You Brickyard bimbo!
Ended that a little too soon.
What they don't suspect
is that I'm into this.
Hear that, boy? You're
gonna be a racing pigeon.
It's getting a little chilly;
I better put a blanket on Ray.
Whoa! Dad, help!
Stupid dog!
Let go of that
delicious bird!
No...!
Come on out,
birdie!
Follow the sound of
my voice!
It's just as well.
There's no such thing
as a Birditarod.
It was just a trick to
scam you out of your house.
Good day.
♪ Taps, taps, taps ♪
♪ Taps, taps, taps ♪
♪ Taps, taps, taps,
taps, taps, taps ♪
♪ Taps, taps, taps ♪
♪ Taps, taps,
taps... ♪
What do you think, Mom?
Well, ask your
new father.
You haven't earned the right
to say that to me.
Dearly beloved,
I'd like to open this service
with the words
of Emily Dickinson:
"Hope is the thing
with feathers..."
Oh, stupid dog!
This funeral just
got depressing.
Let's lighten up
the mood, boys.
♪ Gray skies
are gonna clear up ♪
♪ Put on a happy face ♪
♪ Brush off the clouds
and cheer up ♪
♪ Put on a happy face. ♪
Thanks.
That song does make me
feel a little better.
It's from Bye Bye Birdie.
You really don't get it.
♪ The Itchy and Scratchy Show. ♪
Your crimes
against the animals
have gone before the jury.
We probably
should deliberate,
but we're kind
of in a hurry.
I never met a dog
I didn't hate.
Ah, yes.
A little hair
of the dog that bit me.
I hope you've learned
something here.
Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, Bart
has been very sad lately.
We know.
And we're going to do
something about it.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Please don't do anything.
Not only have
his grades gone up,
but the enthusiasm has
gone out of his pranks.
I mean, take a look at this.
If anything,
I was wondering
if you could make him sadder.
How can you say
a thing like that?
Marge, listen to the man;
he pays Bart's salary.
No, he doesn't.
Why can't you support
my gibberish?
I'd do it if
you were stupid.
Marge, Homer, this marital
discord is perfect.
But please, save it for home
where your son can see it.
Oh!
Bart, Santa's Little Helper,
come on in.
A shrink that takes
kids and pets?
Hey, in this economy,
I'll even remove tattoos.
Even my tramp stamp?
I got the idea from a show
where people regret these.
Homie, why don't
you study these?
Oh, baby.
Well, what do you know!
Oh, come on!
So, Marge, what I understand
from our phone conversation is
you have a very poor
service provider.
I bought it because
Catherine Zeta-Jones told me to.
What a fool I was.
Secondly, there's been
a major breach of trust
between Bart and
Santa's Little Helper.
Well, he shouldn't kill birds.
It's not right.
That is correct,
according to human standards.
But all a dog can do is follow
his animal inclinations, right?
I guess.
So, Bart,
as the one
with the larger brain...
Nicely done, boy.
...maybe you can find it
in your heart to forgive him.
See? He's a
questionable character.
He used to hang around
racetracks, you know.
Bart, could you
wait outside?
It's not going to work.
You have to give the dog away.
Are you sure?
As sure as I am that
I'll be billing you
for that torn
magazine.
Oh, that's pretty sure.
Subscription rate, right?
Newsstand.
D'oh.
Why is it
coming with us?
And for once, I'm not
talking about Lisa.
It's amazing how I can
feel sorry for you
and hate you
at the same time.
I'm sure there's
a German word for it.
We're bringing the dog because
we've found him a new home
at a farm upstate where he can
run and play all day.
You're gonna put him down?
No! For once, a pet
going to a farm upstate
really is going to
a farm upstate.
What about all the other pets
you told us
went to a farm upstate?
Hmm. Backyard, backyard,
toilet, ocean, don't know,
backyard, Flanders' mailbox,
Lenny's freezer, tire fire.
This is where
we're ditching the dog?
Well, "ditching"
is a harsh word.
Enough chitchat.
Time for Operation
Dog Dump.
It wasn't really
a lot of chitchat.
It was still
too much.
We'll take good
care of your dog.
I'm sure you will,
because you take such good care
of your ostriches.
D'oh.
Maybe we should
get going.
Bart, sweetie, would you
like to say good-bye?
Well, boy, I guess this is it.
We've shared a lot
of great memories,
like the time we got
our picture in the paper
with the caption
"Who's walking who?"
I mailed them the answer,
but they never printed it.
But it's not my fault
you're leaving, it's yours.
Because you should never,
ever kill a bird!
Ever!
I'd like a moment to myself.
Ooh, unknown caller!
Hey!
All right, you, give me back
my phone and nobody gets hurt!
You said nobody gets hurt!
Those were your exact words!
So, Lisa, do you want an
ostrich feather centerpiece?
Not really.
Well, we've got
to buy something.
Help!
Kill the bird!
Never kill a bird!
Never kill a bird!
Why, you little...
Pa! You got to see this!
Oh, right, I-I forgot.
Oh.
More Oxycontin
Candy, sweetie?
Mm-hmm.
Well, boy, I guess
I owe you an apology.
Who's a bird-eating monster?
You are! You are!
Yes, you are.
Aw.
Well, Bart learned a lesson,
and most important of all,
we don't have to stop
and pick up dinner.
D'oh!
Mm-hmm...
Ooh!
D'oh!
♪ The Simpsons 22x07 ♪
How Munched Is That Birdie in the Window
Original Air Date on November 28, 2010
Oh, don't be scared, boys.
That's just the angels bowling.
And so The Bloody Hangman,
his hair sticky with blood,
skittered along the
cobblestones,
gunk dripping
from his one good eye,
singing his evil land chantey.
♪ Ker-shaw, ker-shew ♪
♪ I'm after you ♪
♪ With my bloody noose ♪
♪ Strong enough
to hang ten moose ♪
♪ Ker-shaw, ker-shew ♪
♪ It's just a story ♪
♪ But it's really true! ♪
Homer, are you
scaring those kids?
No, I'm not!
Yes, I am.
The Bloody Hangman walks on his
stubby bone feet
through the plague-ridden
streets of London...
You said it was Boston.
Did I?
Anyway, The Bloody Hangman
set to his gory work.
Bodies piled up like those
stackable plastic chairs.
Like those chairs
in the music room?
Possibly!
The Hangman's here!
♪ Ker-shaw, ker-shew,
my lies have come true! ♪
Huh. It's a pigeon.
Aw, the poor guy
hurt his wing.
Hey, there's a
number on him.
What is it?
I bet it's a
combination to a safe!
Or, more likely, the phone
number of the bird's owner.
Ask about the safe.
No, better yet, act like you
know about the safe.
Hello.
Yes, I believe I have your
pigeon, "Raymond Bird,"
and I need to know how
to return him to you.
He's a homing pigeon, girlie.
Why don't you let him fly home?
Unless you want
to spring for a limo.
Yes, he could fly home, except
that he has a broken wing.
Perhaps you and your sarcasm
could come to Springfield
and retrieve him.
Are you kidding?
Wherever I go, 200 birds gotta
come with me.
And they all want to sit in the
front seat with Daddy.
Looks like you're going to have
to take care of him, Bart.
Me? Just what in my long,
sad history with frogs
makes you think I can
take care of a bird?
No, no...
Listen, don't tell
anyone, but...
I can't stand pigeons!
They're like rats with wings!
He's crawling on your arm.
Oh... Okay, maybe
he's not so bad.
Oh! No! No! No! Get off!
Get off! Get off!
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
Okay, Ray, your wing is healed.
Go on.
Live your life.
Aw, c'mon, man.
Admit it-- you knew this day
would come.
♪ ♪
You and I have shared too many
seed bells
to just walk away from this.
Go ahead,
make fun of me.
I lost my heart to a bird.
Haw-haw.
Man, you were not into that.
What's wrong?
My mom ran off
with my birthday clown.
All finished, boy.
That coop looks a little flimsy.
Flimsy?
This gentle pat says different.
D'oh!
Now that you're
officially my bird,
let me fill you in on the
pecking order around here.
The top dog is me, followed by
the top dog, the dog...
then the cat and then you...
But don't feel bad.
You're ahead of Milhouse.
C'mon Bart. How long
can you stay mad?
I thought your race car was
a Transformer!
Nothing's one thing anymore!
Sorry, man, it's still too soon.
No problem. I'll just be right
behind this fence,
whenever you're ready
to forgive me.
Now? Do you
forgive me now?
Now? Now?
I'm scared, Bart.
Bored by black and
white footage of World War II?
Recently uncovered
color footage
will get you back in the game!
Order this DVD now,
featuring dictator commentary
by Hitler and Mussolini.
And as a special bonus, the
story of the carrier pigeon--
the Allies' winged warrior.
General Patton, this bird
has a message for you.
There's a bomb in my helmet.
Caesar can have his eagle,
Alexander the Great
his gryphon...
I'll take the American
fighting pigeon any damn day!
♪ ♪
Wow, Ray, you have hidden
talents!
Is he good at tic-tac-toe,
like that chicken I played, lost
to, and ate at the State Fair?
No, I was thinking
we could use him to send
messages back and forth.
Way ahead of you.
Mom, why am I so
repulsed by pigeons?
It doesn't make any sense.
I'm a member of People for the
Ethical Treatment of Amoebas,
The League of Women Vultures,
the NAAC Porcupines,
Kids For Squids,
the ACL Unicorns,
Clamnesty International
and, uh...
well, those are the best ones.
Sweetie, everyone has an
animal they can't stand.
Indiana Jones had snakes,
the Grizzly Man had
grizzlies, and...
you know,
I'm not crazy about opossums.
Really?
Those creepy little claws...
Opossum!
Mom, it's just Maggie.
Oh!
Aww... Who's a possum?
You're a possum.
What's that?
I'll tell you later.
465 divided by seven equals...
Ooh!
What the...?!
All right, I won't ask who sent
this note
if I can use the bird to send
a note of my own.
As long as it means
we're not learning.
Deal.
"Every day since we broke up
is the greatest day of my life."
Is that from Edna?
I feel for you, Seymour.
If you ever need a shoulder to
lean on, I'm here for you.
"P.S., Chalmers and I
are doing it"?!
She was on the
rebound from Willie.
Ooh, a carrier pigeon.
Perhaps an update on
the siege of Khartoum.
"Do a ballet dance without
no clothes on."
Bad grammar, good advice.
♪ ♪
I'll... catch up
with you guys later.
♪ ♪
Hey, Homer, you ever think
about racing that bird?
You can race pigeons?
Hey, if it moves,
you can bet on it.
What about the
Detroit Lions?
Now, now, lay off Detroit.
Them people is living in
Mad Max times.
But I was thinking
you could enter this bird
in the annual Springfield
to Shelbyville Birditarod.
Hmm?
Hmm.
Me, the patriarch
of a bird-racing dynasty.
Congratulations, Homer.
Danica Patrick
in my thoughts!
That's right, Homer.
I'm contractually
obligated by my sponsors
to appear in random
fans' fantasies.
Better not tell
Marge about this.
You Brickyard bimbo!
Ended that a little too soon.
What they don't suspect
is that I'm into this.
Hear that, boy? You're
gonna be a racing pigeon.
It's getting a little chilly;
I better put a blanket on Ray.
Whoa! Dad, help!
Stupid dog!
Let go of that
delicious bird!
No...!
Come on out,
birdie!
Follow the sound of
my voice!
It's just as well.
There's no such thing
as a Birditarod.
It was just a trick to
scam you out of your house.
Good day.
♪ Taps, taps, taps ♪
♪ Taps, taps, taps ♪
♪ Taps, taps, taps,
taps, taps, taps ♪
♪ Taps, taps, taps ♪
♪ Taps, taps,
taps... ♪
What do you think, Mom?
Well, ask your
new father.
You haven't earned the right
to say that to me.
Dearly beloved,
I'd like to open this service
with the words
of Emily Dickinson:
"Hope is the thing
with feathers..."
Oh, stupid dog!
This funeral just
got depressing.
Let's lighten up
the mood, boys.
♪ Gray skies
are gonna clear up ♪
♪ Put on a happy face ♪
♪ Brush off the clouds
and cheer up ♪
♪ Put on a happy face. ♪
Thanks.
That song does make me
feel a little better.
It's from Bye Bye Birdie.
You really don't get it.
♪ The Itchy and Scratchy Show. ♪
Your crimes
against the animals
have gone before the jury.
We probably
should deliberate,
but we're kind
of in a hurry.
I never met a dog
I didn't hate.
Ah, yes.
A little hair
of the dog that bit me.
I hope you've learned
something here.
Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, Bart
has been very sad lately.
We know.
And we're going to do
something about it.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Please don't do anything.
Not only have
his grades gone up,
but the enthusiasm has
gone out of his pranks.
I mean, take a look at this.
If anything,
I was wondering
if you could make him sadder.
How can you say
a thing like that?
Marge, listen to the man;
he pays Bart's salary.
No, he doesn't.
Why can't you support
my gibberish?
I'd do it if
you were stupid.
Marge, Homer, this marital
discord is perfect.
But please, save it for home
where your son can see it.
Oh!
Bart, Santa's Little Helper,
come on in.
A shrink that takes
kids and pets?
Hey, in this economy,
I'll even remove tattoos.
Even my tramp stamp?
I got the idea from a show
where people regret these.
Homie, why don't
you study these?
Oh, baby.
Well, what do you know!
Oh, come on!
So, Marge, what I understand
from our phone conversation is
you have a very poor
service provider.
I bought it because
Catherine Zeta-Jones told me to.
What a fool I was.
Secondly, there's been
a major breach of trust
between Bart and
Santa's Little Helper.
Well, he shouldn't kill birds.
It's not right.
That is correct,
according to human standards.
But all a dog can do is follow
his animal inclinations, right?
I guess.
So, Bart,
as the one
with the larger brain...
Nicely done, boy.
...maybe you can find it
in your heart to forgive him.
See? He's a
questionable character.
He used to hang around
racetracks, you know.
Bart, could you
wait outside?
It's not going to work.
You have to give the dog away.
Are you sure?
As sure as I am that
I'll be billing you
for that torn
magazine.
Oh, that's pretty sure.
Subscription rate, right?
Newsstand.
D'oh.
Why is it
coming with us?
And for once, I'm not
talking about Lisa.
It's amazing how I can
feel sorry for you
and hate you
at the same time.
I'm sure there's
a German word for it.
We're bringing the dog because
we've found him a new home
at a farm upstate where he can
run and play all day.
You're gonna put him down?
No! For once, a pet
going to a farm upstate
really is going to
a farm upstate.
What about all the other pets
you told us
went to a farm upstate?
Hmm. Backyard, backyard,
toilet, ocean, don't know,
backyard, Flanders' mailbox,
Lenny's freezer, tire fire.
This is where
we're ditching the dog?
Well, "ditching"
is a harsh word.
Enough chitchat.
Time for Operation
Dog Dump.
It wasn't really
a lot of chitchat.
It was still
too much.
We'll take good
care of your dog.
I'm sure you will,
because you take such good care
of your ostriches.
D'oh.
Maybe we should
get going.
Bart, sweetie, would you
like to say good-bye?
Well, boy, I guess this is it.
We've shared a lot
of great memories,
like the time we got
our picture in the paper
with the caption
"Who's walking who?"
I mailed them the answer,
but they never printed it.
But it's not my fault
you're leaving, it's yours.
Because you should never,
ever kill a bird!
Ever!
I'd like a moment to myself.
Ooh, unknown caller!
Hey!
All right, you, give me back
my phone and nobody gets hurt!
You said nobody gets hurt!
Those were your exact words!
So, Lisa, do you want an
ostrich feather centerpiece?
Not really.
Well, we've got
to buy something.
Help!
Kill the bird!
Never kill a bird!
Never kill a bird!
Why, you little...
Pa! You got to see this!
Oh, right, I-I forgot.
Oh.
More Oxycontin
Candy, sweetie?
Mm-hmm.
Well, boy, I guess
I owe you an apology.
Who's a bird-eating monster?
You are! You are!
Yes, you are.
Aw.
Well, Bart learned a lesson,
and most important of all,
we don't have to stop
and pick up dinner.