The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 22, Episode 5 - Lisa Simpson, This Isn't Your Life - full transcript
When the Simpsons visit Marge's childhood home and discover a box of her old belongings, Lisa is surprised to learn that Marge was once a stellar A+ student. After discovering that a distraction caused Marge's grades to slip in high school, Lisa fears that she will end up just like her mom unless she pledges to focus solely on academics. When Lisa learns that prep school Cloisters Academy is accepting new students, Marge puts her feelings aside and makes a secret deal allowing Lisa to attend her dream school. Meanwhile, Bart puts Nelson and his bully ways in place and unintentionally claims the title of School Bully, and Lisa learns a lesson in family and altruism.
D'oh!
♪ The Simpsons 22x05 ♪
Lisa Simpson, This Isn't Your Life
Original Air Date on November 14, 2010
♪ ...Show! ♪
Hey!
Mousey and Catsy,
aren't they great?
Now listen up, kids.
Krusty's sponsor, the Texxon
family of gas stations,
wants you to know
that today's the last day
of their "Happy Little Elves"
giveaway!
It's Texxon's way of saying,
"Sorry about
those million dead pelicans."
You'll really love
the intentionally scarce
"Baby Must-Have."
Don't you want her
beyond all reason?
Maggie, you can't
climb into the TV.
If you could, I'd make Alex
Trebek answer some questions.
Dad, I think
Maggie's just sad
'cause her set is missing
"Baby Must-Have."
No child of mine will go
without anything, ever!
Except quality health care!
Didn't there used
to be more Texxon stations?
Yes, but they sold a bunch off
to that frozen yogurt chain.
What a cheap
date this is.
I'm not cheap, baby, I'm
embarrassed to be seen with you.
Big difference.
Hmm...
Hmm. Nice part of
town you got here.
Too bad you keep
it so far away.
Now that we're best friends,
can I get the baby elf?
Pick a box.
You get what you get.
You can't tell
what's inside!
Oh, of all the times not
to have x-ray vision.
Mm... I'll take that one.
Hmm?
This isn't the right one.
She wants the baby.
I can't give you another toy
till you buy another
ten gallons of gas.
You're lucky you're
behind glass.
Ain't no glass.
Sure, it's easy
to slap people
when you're hiding
behind that glass!
You have a good day.
Drive all the way,
get the wrong elf.
Ain't no glass.
I'll show them.
I'll buy ten more gallons
of their stupid gas.
Whoo-hoo!
D'oh!
D'oh!
D'oh!
D'oh!
D'oh!
D'oh!
Oh, Homie, maybe we
should call it a day.
Oh, I'm sorry, Maggie,
but even at your age,
I'm sure you understand
things can't always go your way,
and that's why I can't believe
we didn't get that stupid elf!
Where the hell are we?
I've never seen stores
like these before.
I know where we are!
This is the neighborhood
where I grew up!
Ooh, everything's changed.
That tree used to be
a smaller tree.
And that food bank used
to be a regular bank.
The march of progress.
There's my old house!
Someday when I'm a grownup,
maybe I'll go back
and look fondly
at our house.
Well, stop in and say "hi" to me
'cause I'll still be there,
chillin' in my
basement bachelor pad.
Be sure to water the flowers
on my backyard grave.
As long as I can dig you up
and stick you on the front porch
every Halloween.
Just don't dress me up like a woman.
We'll see.
I know what you folks
are here for.
Rabbits!
I just kilt this one
because it stopped bein' cute!
We're not here
for rabbit.
I used to live in
this house as a girl.
I live in it now as a woman.
Hey, you wanna come on in?
Take a look around?
Oh, I'd love to,
if it's not an imposition.
Well, as long as we don't
have to feed this one.
Tell her "no deal."
Everything's just
the way I remember it.
You see that mirror?
I discovered that if I sat
in the kitchen,
I could see
if the bathroom was free
using the reflection
from the mirror off the toaster.
This was my bedroom.
My bedpost smooshes
are still in the carpet!
I want to go read books
in the car.
There are no books
in the car.
I just want to
sit in the car!
I always wondered
who "Marge" is.
My memorables!
Over the years, I've
sure been tempted
to go through
this stuff.
So I did, many times.
My whole childhood
is in this box.
My scrunchies.
I never really had
the hair for these.
Wow, Mom.
You got first place
in the science fair.
Oh, that's
ancient history.
Ooh, here's my paper
on ancient history.
Mom, these grades are amazing.
Just as good as mine.
But then you wound up like you.
Oh, man.
The drainage
around here is a joke.
I don't even know
why I pay taxes.
Coming through!
Just when you think
I'm out of ideas!
Whoop! Ahh!
♪ Feeling the grind,
up go the hammers ♪
Mm-hmm.
Get your affairs in order.
Bart beat up
Nelson.
A new bully has risen.
Simpson! Boombaye!
Simpson! Boombaye!
Oh! Mama!
Buying those extra trophies
from cash-strapped schools
really filled out the old case.
Principal Skinner?
Quick question.
Is it true my mom
was a great student?
Oh, indeed. Your mother was
as fine a student as you.
Keep up the good work,
and you'll probably
wind up just like her.
Well...
Of course that would be great.
But I see myself making
an impact outside the home.
Lisa, one of the
hardest jobs I have
is throwing cold water on
young children's dreams.
Ralph, you're not a kangaroo.
The point is, I've learned
a lot about human nature
by sitting in the
park with Mother.
And one thing I've learned
is children turn out
like their parents.
Behold, your future.
Oh...
Ralph, you're also
not a trophy.
Skinner!
I warned you about
interacting with students.
I don't want to have
to yell at you!
You yell at me
about everything.
Well I can't yell
at anyone else!
Teachers have a union.
Students have parents.
What about Willie?
I like Willie!
Maggie, something
happened to Mom,
and I'm gonna find out
what and when.
Mom's looking good through
elementary school.
Ninth grade, tenth grade,
still riding the A-Train.
Then suddenly, when she was
a high school senior...
Blam!
You kids play nice up there!
What could have happened?
Dad?
Hmm?
Can I talk to
you for a second?
What is troubling you,
my son?
I mean, my girl son?
Well, um, I was looking
through Mom's old schoolwork,
and I noticed her
grades went down
when she started
going out with you.
Hey, if it hadn't been me,
it would have been
someone or something else.
Sooner or later,
everyone meets their Homer.
No offense, Dad,
but no boy is gonna
distract me from my dreams.
It may not be a boy.
It could be anything:
scrapbooking, high-stakes poker,
or the Santa Fe lifestyle.
Just pick a dead end
and chill out till you die.
No! That's not
gonna happen to me!
I'm gonna make sure
nothing distracts me ever!
Whoa!
Look at you,
strutting around, like
you're Toad of Toad Hall.
Uh, I'm just whistling, man.
You think you're so smart,
don't you , Simpson?
We're both in
the same reading group.
I think you know
how smart I am.
That's an insult to me
and the rest of the inchworms.
Bart did it again!
I'm not a bully!
It's just a series
of incredible coincidences.
Well, Bart, I guess his
parking spot is yours now.
Well done.
Okay, I've gotten rid
of all of my distractions,
diversions,
hobbies...
Oh, my God!
Are you a distraction
or a higher calling?
All right, let's see.
How many jazz musicians
led long and happy lives?
There's, um...
That's odd. Lisa just threw
her saxophone out the window.
Oh, that's probably
because to her,
the saxophone is a me,
she shdoe don't want
to end up like you.
Good night.
She doesn't want
to end up like me?
Uh, no, she does,
totally, but, uh,
with a happier
ending. Good night.
What's so wrong
with me?
Nothing,
sweetie, nothing.
Here, let me explain.
She does not want to...
turn out like... you...
didn't... not until...
diplomatic... trapped...
help.
Remember nothing!
I remember everything.
Well, if you check your purse,
I think you'll find...
the seven of clubs!
No.
Just a picture of Lisa--
who wants to be nothing like me.
I am so sorry, Marge.
Hee-hee-hee.
Stupid pan!
Mom, could you keep
it down a little?
I'm trying to study.
Uh-huh. Yeah.
Here's your breakfast.
Not a good time!
Mom, is
something wrong?
Would it be so bad
to turn out like me?!
Mom, I admire everything you do.
But it's not good
enough, is it?
It's plenty good.
It's great!
It's just...
not for me.
School bus!
Mmm...
Mwa.
What kind of kiss did you get?
Normal. You?
Ice-cold.
You're just
imagining things.
Oh, yeah?
Hmm...
What does your note say?
The seven of clubs?
Ta-dah!
Ugh! What's the point
of getting rid of all
the distractions at home if
I have to do my learning here?
♪ Oh, I'll wax the upstairs ♪
♪ And I'll wax the downstairs ♪
♪ And I'll get drunk
in the li'bry! ♪
Willie!
Do you have to wax
this floor now?
No, no, I can
come back later.
Whoa-aah! Oof!
Oh. Should I get the nurse?
Nay, just keep studyin'.
I'll scream this out.
Aah!
I can get to you
whenever I want, Simpson.
But I'm gonna bide my time.
You won't even hear
the punch that wastes you.
And you'll crack like
one of those chicken turds
rich people eat.
You mean an egg?
I mean you're dead!
Aah!
Let me out of here,
so I can put you in here!
Ha! You're not
so tough now.
Aw... Dad was right--
I might as well give up.
Cloisters Academy?
That bus could pick me up
any day of the week!
'Sup, bro?
I'm not your brother.
♪ ♪
Lord Buddha, I know
I'm not supposed to want stuff,
but come on!
Cloisters Academy is a
refuge for quiet learning.
We have every
facility imaginable,
including an imaginatorium.
♪ ♪
Oh, no, wait, it's over there.
Mom! Dad! Please
can I go here?
I'll study so hard, I'll make
the old me look like Bart!
That would be one
weird-looking kid.
We'd love to send
you here, sweetie.
We just can't afford it.
Well, I'm sure
Lisa will be fine
at Springfield Elementary.
I hear they just found out
there was a World War II.
Oh...
Homer, Lisa, could you
please step outside?
I have a few choice words
for this gentleman.
Mom... please don't.
Oh, I've seen
that look before.
That's the "I ate
the piece of wedding cake
she's been saving
in the freezer ten years" look.
You what?!
Run!
Lisa, your mother
convinced me
to take a closer look
at your record,
and upon further reflection,
I have decided to offer you
a full scholarship
to Cloisters Academy.
I have a future!
Oh! Thank you, Mom!
Oh, thank you,
four-eyes!
So, you'll start Monday.
I'm so exci...
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.
Quiet campus.
Shh.
Now, please, hold
your celebration
until you're off
the school grounds.
What time Monday?
Um, 8:00.
Thank you.
An academy.
I'm attending an academy.
Hi. I see that you're new,
and we'd be honored to have
you join our softball team.
I'm sorry, I don't really play.
Oh, no one plays.
We just discuss
the physics of the game.
I lead the team in E.R.A.:
Extremely Right Answers.
Count me in!
What's wrong, sweetie?
You seem upset.
I don't want to talk about it.
Oh...
A kid at school's
gonna beat me up.
Is it Milhouse?
Milhouse couldn't beat me up.
Are you sure?
He's having a growth spurt.
It's not Milhouse!
Is it a girl?
It's Nelson!
Hm! I never figured him
for the bully type.
Well, if he's got
you cornered,
and Milhouse isn't
there to help you,
there's only one way out--
Make him feel good
about himself!
How do I do that?
I don't know.
Compliment his glasses.
It's not Milhouse!
♪ ♪
Hi, Lisa.
I'm Ms. Marshall,
and I'm your teacher.
Well, I am so happy
to be in your class.
No, I'm your teacher.
I only teach you.
Your short story about
the lonely pony-- gripping.
Did you get that the pony
was actually me?
It hit me the next day,
and I read the
whole thing again.
I thought we'd
start the semester
by turning this
into a novel.
Self-published?
Real published.
Oh...
♪ ♪
NELSON
Ha... ha...!
This is it, Simpson!
After this, your nose
will not be an outtie.
Make him feel
good about himself!
Uh, Nelson,
for someone who never
goes to the dentist,
you have pretty
good teeth.
They're dentures!
Uh, you do a lot
with a limited wardrobe.
That's social worker talk
for "I'm poor"!
Uh, uh,
you punch really good!
You think?
Oh, yeah!
And you always avoid the
face around picture day.
People appreciate that.
Hey, those memories are forever.
You really care, man.
A lot of bullies
just phone it in.
Kearney.
That school is so great!
Teachers teach so much better
when they're paid in money,
not chickens.
Is Mom gonna come up
and say good night?
Your mom's doing laundry,
but she authorized me
to say goodnight for her.
So, by the power invested in me
I now pronounce
you sweet dreams.
Mom?
Here we go.
Clean and white...
...and soft...
Mom?
I see what happened.
There was no scholarship.
They said I could attend
if you did all their laundry!
I can't live with that knowledge
while trying
to get more knowledge.
Lisa, honey,
I insist.
Because it's important to you
that you don't turn out like me.
♪ ♪
Mom, I don't want
to go to that school.
Why not?
Because it's too elitist.
Everyone's parents
are in "the business."
What business?
I don't know.
They won't tell me.
And besides, you were
willing to do all this
just so I would be happy.
Mom, I'd be honored
if I turned out like you.
Mom, thanks to you,
this box sucker
didn't beat me up.
We've been pokin'
foil all night.
Must've put away
two eight-packs by now.
I'm so glad you two
are friends again.
Look what Maggie got!
Homer? How did you get...
Ah.
A father has his secrets.
How did he get in?
Told you, ain't got no glass.
Did he take any money?
Uh-uh.
Well, he did now.
Shh!
♪ The Simpsons 22x05 ♪
Lisa Simpson, This Isn't Your Life
Original Air Date on November 14, 2010
♪ ...Show! ♪
Hey!
Mousey and Catsy,
aren't they great?
Now listen up, kids.
Krusty's sponsor, the Texxon
family of gas stations,
wants you to know
that today's the last day
of their "Happy Little Elves"
giveaway!
It's Texxon's way of saying,
"Sorry about
those million dead pelicans."
You'll really love
the intentionally scarce
"Baby Must-Have."
Don't you want her
beyond all reason?
Maggie, you can't
climb into the TV.
If you could, I'd make Alex
Trebek answer some questions.
Dad, I think
Maggie's just sad
'cause her set is missing
"Baby Must-Have."
No child of mine will go
without anything, ever!
Except quality health care!
Didn't there used
to be more Texxon stations?
Yes, but they sold a bunch off
to that frozen yogurt chain.
What a cheap
date this is.
I'm not cheap, baby, I'm
embarrassed to be seen with you.
Big difference.
Hmm...
Hmm. Nice part of
town you got here.
Too bad you keep
it so far away.
Now that we're best friends,
can I get the baby elf?
Pick a box.
You get what you get.
You can't tell
what's inside!
Oh, of all the times not
to have x-ray vision.
Mm... I'll take that one.
Hmm?
This isn't the right one.
She wants the baby.
I can't give you another toy
till you buy another
ten gallons of gas.
You're lucky you're
behind glass.
Ain't no glass.
Sure, it's easy
to slap people
when you're hiding
behind that glass!
You have a good day.
Drive all the way,
get the wrong elf.
Ain't no glass.
I'll show them.
I'll buy ten more gallons
of their stupid gas.
Whoo-hoo!
D'oh!
D'oh!
D'oh!
D'oh!
D'oh!
D'oh!
Oh, Homie, maybe we
should call it a day.
Oh, I'm sorry, Maggie,
but even at your age,
I'm sure you understand
things can't always go your way,
and that's why I can't believe
we didn't get that stupid elf!
Where the hell are we?
I've never seen stores
like these before.
I know where we are!
This is the neighborhood
where I grew up!
Ooh, everything's changed.
That tree used to be
a smaller tree.
And that food bank used
to be a regular bank.
The march of progress.
There's my old house!
Someday when I'm a grownup,
maybe I'll go back
and look fondly
at our house.
Well, stop in and say "hi" to me
'cause I'll still be there,
chillin' in my
basement bachelor pad.
Be sure to water the flowers
on my backyard grave.
As long as I can dig you up
and stick you on the front porch
every Halloween.
Just don't dress me up like a woman.
We'll see.
I know what you folks
are here for.
Rabbits!
I just kilt this one
because it stopped bein' cute!
We're not here
for rabbit.
I used to live in
this house as a girl.
I live in it now as a woman.
Hey, you wanna come on in?
Take a look around?
Oh, I'd love to,
if it's not an imposition.
Well, as long as we don't
have to feed this one.
Tell her "no deal."
Everything's just
the way I remember it.
You see that mirror?
I discovered that if I sat
in the kitchen,
I could see
if the bathroom was free
using the reflection
from the mirror off the toaster.
This was my bedroom.
My bedpost smooshes
are still in the carpet!
I want to go read books
in the car.
There are no books
in the car.
I just want to
sit in the car!
I always wondered
who "Marge" is.
My memorables!
Over the years, I've
sure been tempted
to go through
this stuff.
So I did, many times.
My whole childhood
is in this box.
My scrunchies.
I never really had
the hair for these.
Wow, Mom.
You got first place
in the science fair.
Oh, that's
ancient history.
Ooh, here's my paper
on ancient history.
Mom, these grades are amazing.
Just as good as mine.
But then you wound up like you.
Oh, man.
The drainage
around here is a joke.
I don't even know
why I pay taxes.
Coming through!
Just when you think
I'm out of ideas!
Whoop! Ahh!
♪ Feeling the grind,
up go the hammers ♪
Mm-hmm.
Get your affairs in order.
Bart beat up
Nelson.
A new bully has risen.
Simpson! Boombaye!
Simpson! Boombaye!
Oh! Mama!
Buying those extra trophies
from cash-strapped schools
really filled out the old case.
Principal Skinner?
Quick question.
Is it true my mom
was a great student?
Oh, indeed. Your mother was
as fine a student as you.
Keep up the good work,
and you'll probably
wind up just like her.
Well...
Of course that would be great.
But I see myself making
an impact outside the home.
Lisa, one of the
hardest jobs I have
is throwing cold water on
young children's dreams.
Ralph, you're not a kangaroo.
The point is, I've learned
a lot about human nature
by sitting in the
park with Mother.
And one thing I've learned
is children turn out
like their parents.
Behold, your future.
Oh...
Ralph, you're also
not a trophy.
Skinner!
I warned you about
interacting with students.
I don't want to have
to yell at you!
You yell at me
about everything.
Well I can't yell
at anyone else!
Teachers have a union.
Students have parents.
What about Willie?
I like Willie!
Maggie, something
happened to Mom,
and I'm gonna find out
what and when.
Mom's looking good through
elementary school.
Ninth grade, tenth grade,
still riding the A-Train.
Then suddenly, when she was
a high school senior...
Blam!
You kids play nice up there!
What could have happened?
Dad?
Hmm?
Can I talk to
you for a second?
What is troubling you,
my son?
I mean, my girl son?
Well, um, I was looking
through Mom's old schoolwork,
and I noticed her
grades went down
when she started
going out with you.
Hey, if it hadn't been me,
it would have been
someone or something else.
Sooner or later,
everyone meets their Homer.
No offense, Dad,
but no boy is gonna
distract me from my dreams.
It may not be a boy.
It could be anything:
scrapbooking, high-stakes poker,
or the Santa Fe lifestyle.
Just pick a dead end
and chill out till you die.
No! That's not
gonna happen to me!
I'm gonna make sure
nothing distracts me ever!
Whoa!
Look at you,
strutting around, like
you're Toad of Toad Hall.
Uh, I'm just whistling, man.
You think you're so smart,
don't you , Simpson?
We're both in
the same reading group.
I think you know
how smart I am.
That's an insult to me
and the rest of the inchworms.
Bart did it again!
I'm not a bully!
It's just a series
of incredible coincidences.
Well, Bart, I guess his
parking spot is yours now.
Well done.
Okay, I've gotten rid
of all of my distractions,
diversions,
hobbies...
Oh, my God!
Are you a distraction
or a higher calling?
All right, let's see.
How many jazz musicians
led long and happy lives?
There's, um...
That's odd. Lisa just threw
her saxophone out the window.
Oh, that's probably
because to her,
the saxophone is a me,
she shdoe don't want
to end up like you.
Good night.
She doesn't want
to end up like me?
Uh, no, she does,
totally, but, uh,
with a happier
ending. Good night.
What's so wrong
with me?
Nothing,
sweetie, nothing.
Here, let me explain.
She does not want to...
turn out like... you...
didn't... not until...
diplomatic... trapped...
help.
Remember nothing!
I remember everything.
Well, if you check your purse,
I think you'll find...
the seven of clubs!
No.
Just a picture of Lisa--
who wants to be nothing like me.
I am so sorry, Marge.
Hee-hee-hee.
Stupid pan!
Mom, could you keep
it down a little?
I'm trying to study.
Uh-huh. Yeah.
Here's your breakfast.
Not a good time!
Mom, is
something wrong?
Would it be so bad
to turn out like me?!
Mom, I admire everything you do.
But it's not good
enough, is it?
It's plenty good.
It's great!
It's just...
not for me.
School bus!
Mmm...
Mwa.
What kind of kiss did you get?
Normal. You?
Ice-cold.
You're just
imagining things.
Oh, yeah?
Hmm...
What does your note say?
The seven of clubs?
Ta-dah!
Ugh! What's the point
of getting rid of all
the distractions at home if
I have to do my learning here?
♪ Oh, I'll wax the upstairs ♪
♪ And I'll wax the downstairs ♪
♪ And I'll get drunk
in the li'bry! ♪
Willie!
Do you have to wax
this floor now?
No, no, I can
come back later.
Whoa-aah! Oof!
Oh. Should I get the nurse?
Nay, just keep studyin'.
I'll scream this out.
Aah!
I can get to you
whenever I want, Simpson.
But I'm gonna bide my time.
You won't even hear
the punch that wastes you.
And you'll crack like
one of those chicken turds
rich people eat.
You mean an egg?
I mean you're dead!
Aah!
Let me out of here,
so I can put you in here!
Ha! You're not
so tough now.
Aw... Dad was right--
I might as well give up.
Cloisters Academy?
That bus could pick me up
any day of the week!
'Sup, bro?
I'm not your brother.
♪ ♪
Lord Buddha, I know
I'm not supposed to want stuff,
but come on!
Cloisters Academy is a
refuge for quiet learning.
We have every
facility imaginable,
including an imaginatorium.
♪ ♪
Oh, no, wait, it's over there.
Mom! Dad! Please
can I go here?
I'll study so hard, I'll make
the old me look like Bart!
That would be one
weird-looking kid.
We'd love to send
you here, sweetie.
We just can't afford it.
Well, I'm sure
Lisa will be fine
at Springfield Elementary.
I hear they just found out
there was a World War II.
Oh...
Homer, Lisa, could you
please step outside?
I have a few choice words
for this gentleman.
Mom... please don't.
Oh, I've seen
that look before.
That's the "I ate
the piece of wedding cake
she's been saving
in the freezer ten years" look.
You what?!
Run!
Lisa, your mother
convinced me
to take a closer look
at your record,
and upon further reflection,
I have decided to offer you
a full scholarship
to Cloisters Academy.
I have a future!
Oh! Thank you, Mom!
Oh, thank you,
four-eyes!
So, you'll start Monday.
I'm so exci...
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.
Quiet campus.
Shh.
Now, please, hold
your celebration
until you're off
the school grounds.
What time Monday?
Um, 8:00.
Thank you.
An academy.
I'm attending an academy.
Hi. I see that you're new,
and we'd be honored to have
you join our softball team.
I'm sorry, I don't really play.
Oh, no one plays.
We just discuss
the physics of the game.
I lead the team in E.R.A.:
Extremely Right Answers.
Count me in!
What's wrong, sweetie?
You seem upset.
I don't want to talk about it.
Oh...
A kid at school's
gonna beat me up.
Is it Milhouse?
Milhouse couldn't beat me up.
Are you sure?
He's having a growth spurt.
It's not Milhouse!
Is it a girl?
It's Nelson!
Hm! I never figured him
for the bully type.
Well, if he's got
you cornered,
and Milhouse isn't
there to help you,
there's only one way out--
Make him feel good
about himself!
How do I do that?
I don't know.
Compliment his glasses.
It's not Milhouse!
♪ ♪
Hi, Lisa.
I'm Ms. Marshall,
and I'm your teacher.
Well, I am so happy
to be in your class.
No, I'm your teacher.
I only teach you.
Your short story about
the lonely pony-- gripping.
Did you get that the pony
was actually me?
It hit me the next day,
and I read the
whole thing again.
I thought we'd
start the semester
by turning this
into a novel.
Self-published?
Real published.
Oh...
♪ ♪
NELSON
Ha... ha...!
This is it, Simpson!
After this, your nose
will not be an outtie.
Make him feel
good about himself!
Uh, Nelson,
for someone who never
goes to the dentist,
you have pretty
good teeth.
They're dentures!
Uh, you do a lot
with a limited wardrobe.
That's social worker talk
for "I'm poor"!
Uh, uh,
you punch really good!
You think?
Oh, yeah!
And you always avoid the
face around picture day.
People appreciate that.
Hey, those memories are forever.
You really care, man.
A lot of bullies
just phone it in.
Kearney.
That school is so great!
Teachers teach so much better
when they're paid in money,
not chickens.
Is Mom gonna come up
and say good night?
Your mom's doing laundry,
but she authorized me
to say goodnight for her.
So, by the power invested in me
I now pronounce
you sweet dreams.
Mom?
Here we go.
Clean and white...
...and soft...
Mom?
I see what happened.
There was no scholarship.
They said I could attend
if you did all their laundry!
I can't live with that knowledge
while trying
to get more knowledge.
Lisa, honey,
I insist.
Because it's important to you
that you don't turn out like me.
♪ ♪
Mom, I don't want
to go to that school.
Why not?
Because it's too elitist.
Everyone's parents
are in "the business."
What business?
I don't know.
They won't tell me.
And besides, you were
willing to do all this
just so I would be happy.
Mom, I'd be honored
if I turned out like you.
Mom, thanks to you,
this box sucker
didn't beat me up.
We've been pokin'
foil all night.
Must've put away
two eight-packs by now.
I'm so glad you two
are friends again.
Look what Maggie got!
Homer? How did you get...
Ah.
A father has his secrets.
How did he get in?
Told you, ain't got no glass.
Did he take any money?
Uh-uh.
Well, he did now.
Shh!