The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 22, Episode 4 - Treehouse of Horror XXI - full transcript

Why, you little...

Beneath this smile,
I'm in awful, awful pain!

Welcome, precious
primetime viewers,

valued Internet downloaders,
and scary digital pirates!

If you want to shield
your little darlings

from our stomach-churning
holiday special,

simply hit fast-forward
on your DVR remote...

I went too far!

Spoiled the whole
show for everybody!

I don't deserve
to wield the remote.

Oh, I'm getting old and gray...



I'm dead.

Monster go watch The Office.

Dunder-Mifflin just like
monster's workplace.

♪ ♪

♪ The Simpsons 22x04 ♪
Treehouse of Horror XXI
Original Air Date on November 6, 2010

Milhouse, do we have enough
points for a weapons upgrade?

Yeah! We really racked them up
eating all those elf babies.

Ha-ha! Nothing beats
a weapon made of weapons.

This is that video game Reverend
Lovejoy said you shouldn't play.

Well, he's playing
it right now.

Slay the wounded!

I still think it's too violent.

It's a game. We're
not hurting anybody.

My non-lazy eye!



Ooh.

These classic board
games are fun and safe.

My other eye!

So which of these
"board lames" shall we play?

Taffy Land?

Drops and Risers?

Consternation?

Ravenous, Ravenous Rhinos?

Mouse Catch?
Battleboat?

Funopoly?
Crate of Apes?

Yahtzu?
Tiddlywonks?

Hey, I've never seen
this one before.

Satan's Path?

Hey, it's got to be good
if Satan put his name on it.

Huh?

Here. I'll be the demon,
you be the thimble.

Oh, I'm always
the thimble.

One...

Two.

Ooh!

There was a bank
error in my favor.

And I'm spending it all on
Oriental Avenue prostitutes!

All the games came to life!

I don't like the looks
of that knight, Chief.

Don't worry.
We're safe.

He's two steps away,
and one to the right.

For me, it's game,
set... and match.

I think you mean
"check, and mate."

Just got crushed by
a giant horse, Lou.

You want to cut me a break?

Time to meet my mystery dude.

Ah.

Oh, man, I'm never coming down!

Ah!

Whoo-hoo! Another ladder!

Riding high!

Sinking low!

Top of the heap!

Oh! Down I go!

On top for good!

Oh, cruel hubris!

How do we make this stop?

Well, my Latin's
a little rusty,

but I think to get everything
back in its box,

you have to finish the game.

And if we don't finish?

You're going to have to deal
with more nonsense like that.

Yatszu.

Here we go,
back in the cup.

At least the cup
is lined with felt.

Hey, Mr. Positive,
shut the hell up.

We'll be safe on
this Battleboat.

Set a course for B-7.

POWERFUL VOICE:
B-7.

They dunked our Battleboat!

I wish I could see
my mom one last time,

so I can say, "This
is all your fault!"

Colonel Ketchup, I say
it was you that killed him

in the parlor,
with the letter-opener!

He was going to leave me, and
I'm too old to find anyone else.

Come on, man, climb up!

No. I might sink the letter.

And "Q" is just too valuable.

That blank could be
any letter we want.

Maybe I'm just tired of living.

The final challenge: Mousecatch.

A game so lame,
no one's ever finished it.

Crazy Eights!

Think, Bart. Think!

What was that lesson I
learned from video games?

Oh, yeah! Kill, kill, kill!

There comes a time to beat
the crap out of childish things.

Sure is a hard way
to catch a mouse.

Oh, this stupid
thing never works.

That's it. From now on,
we'll just play Hangman.

Wait, wait.

We still got one more letter.

Is it... 3?

That's not a letter.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Man, it's been a crazy morning.

Champagne?

Oh, Homie, what
a great idea--

to take a cruise
in uncharted waters.

Yeah, charts are
for squares, baby.

Whew. Sure is hot out here.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Oh, that's my cell phone.

What is it?

Lenny, I'm on a
second honeymoon!

You'll have to pick
your own Lotto numbers.

Now, where were we?

Oh, baby, let's give
those seagulls

something to squawk about.

Huh?

Oh yeah, baby, I like
it when you're distracted.

Huh?

Homie, help him up.

Fine. I'll get the hook.

Don't fight it.

Don't... That's it.

A little more.

How's that?

You're safe now, my friend.

This poor man must have
been out there for days.

He's nothing but
hard, bronze muscle.

Bless you.

Okay, this guy's
taken care of.

So... uh, you know...

I'm not really in
the mood anymore.

Fine. I'm going for a walk.

My name's Roger.

I was the chef on the Albatross,
working for a businessman

taking his partners to Tahiti.

One night, he asked
for pie for dessert...

As the pie cooled innocently
on a porthole sill,

my employer attempted
to inject it with poison.

But I caught him in the act.

Unfortunately, he had the
strength of ten businessmen.

He sent me napward with a
bottle of low-sodium soy sauce.

Poor man. You've been
through so much.

Hey. I've had a hard trip, too.

One of the lenses fell
out of my sunglasses!

Ah... oh, yeah...

Oh, Roger, you really
know what you're doing.

No luck.

Anyway, when I came to,
everyone on board was dead.

I fled the horrific scene.

And after days at sea,

I found my savior.

You, Marge.

And, in a very insignificant
way, you, Homer.

God, it was horrible.

Marge? Can I have a word
with you in private?

I don't trust that guy.

I bet he killed everyone
on that boat himself.

That's crazy talk.

Excuse me.

You've both been so kind to me,

I baked you this pie.

That is so sweet.

Why do piemakers
get all the girls?

Why did you do that?

It was poisoned!
No it wasn't!

Well, it was rhubarb.

No, it was berry-peach.

Berry-peach?
That's my favorite!

Please, Homer. I am so sick of
this unmotivated jealous--

The pie was poisoned.
You were right.

I guess we've got to kill
him before he kills us.

Well, we'd better do it quick,
because he's making scones!

They should call this one
"Recipe For Murder."

What do you mean,
"this one"?

Never mind.

Oh, Roger, would you
hand me the suntan oil?

Ooh, got a text.

Now!

Dear God.

We just killed a man.

Yeah, the decent thing
to do is bury him at sea.

Come and get it, barnacles.

Huh?

Roger was telling
the truth.

This proves nothing.

Roger could've been the
one that killed them.

Soy sauce.

Low sodium.

Then his story
was true.

We killed an innocent man.

We're murderers.

Murderers!

Well, if it isn't my saviors.

Hey, pal, how you been?

Don't you "pal" me.

Why did you try
to kill me?!

The pie you baked us
killed that shark!

The pie was clean.

The shark died from the fuel
leaking out of your boat.

It...

Oh, yeah.

Oops.

Oh, goody.

The monkey got ahold
of a spear gun.

Why did you do that?!

We had to kill him or he'd tell
people we tried to kill him.

What the devil's going on here?

You're alive?

Yes. I suspected our host
would poison us,

so I gave everyone
an antidote before dinner.

Looks like you've got a
flair for avoiding death.

Oh, come on.

Just a second.

Bankers away!

I repeat: no one
will ever know.

We'll know.

Marge, what are
you doing?!

That pie is
poisoned!

I can't live with the guilt.

She just wanted to ride
bikes through New England.

But those seats hurt my ass.

Ever wonder what
she thinks about?

Just sugarplums
and buttercups.

♪ ♪

Hey, what's that weird look
on all those girls' faces?

It's something you've
never seen: they're smitten.

Oh, I've seen it.

Especially when I do this.

Well, he is cute.

But I'm sure a boy like him
would never say hello to me.

Hello.

I love your pallor.

Why is there a steering wheel
in my bedroom?

How'd you do that?

Oh, it's these cheap school buses,
with their squishy metal.

On another subject,
you have beautiful eyes.

They're just dots in circles.

What?

Me again?

Come with me.

♪ ♪

You're a vampire.

I should be scared,
but I'm not.

Let us move between the trees
the way a bat does: by jumping.

Lisa's fallen for a vampire?

That makes me so angry!

I feel the change coming!

Edmund's almost here,

so, please,
nobody be themselves.

I know, I know.

Don't serve garlic, don't
stab your guest in the heart

with a wooden stake, don't ask
him if he knows Frankenstein.

It's racist somehow.

Sorry, my Dad
insisted on coming.

Dad, I don't need a chaperone.

I'm 400 years old.

You live in my crypt,

you play by my rules.

You're tearing me apart!

Dinner is served.

I tried to make what
Homer said you liked.

I get the drumstick!

Okay, okay.

If a mosquito bites you, does
it become a vampire, too?

Yes.

Okay, okay.

If you bite your tongue,
does it become a vampire?

Look, I'm more than
just a vampire.

I'm a nut
for Dixieland jazz.

You said you weren't
going to bring that.

I said I might not.

They say vampires
live forever,

but I die of
embarrassment every day.

I know just how you feel.

Let's fly, Lisa.

Keep your mouth closed,
or you'll swallow a lot of bugs.

Get them back!

She can't get neck holes.

It's picture day tomorrow!

Man, you vamps got it made.

You sleep all day...

And, because we only
drive at night,

we can really time the
traffic lights. Watch.

Green. Green. Green.

Boom. Green.

Yes. Boom.

Green. Good. Boom.

Boy, this place has every kind
of vampire there is.

Excuse me.

Have you seen these kids?

I did.

And they were sneaking kisses.

One kiss!

Ha, ha, ha.

Two kisses!

Ha, ha, ha.

Three kisses!

There they are.

Super-Team, fly!

I'm Dracula, not The Hulk.

Hyah! Hyah!

Bite me now, Edmund,
and we'll both be vampires.

Get your neck away
from my son's teeth,

you evil temptress.

Sir, I'm not trying to take
your son away from you.

I plan to be a part of
your rich culture,

and organize media-friendly
events to help combat

all the unfair
vampire stereotypes.

Wow. Wow!

Now I know what you see
in this girl.

Bite her, my son,

and you both will be
eight forever.

Eight forever?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I can't spend eternity
using kid scissors.

They barely cut anything.

Too late!

The bloodlust
is upon me.

Back off, you unholy dreamboat!

Pretty ironic-- a cross
being used to kill someone.

Father, you're hurt.

Yes, but at least
you are safe, my son.

Whoa, you blood-sucking
freaks love your kids, too?

I remember when he was a baby,
I'd sneak up to his crib

in the middle of the day
to make sure

he was still not breathing.

No...!

Well, nobody loves his kids
more than me!

Come and get it!

Die, fatso!

Uh-oh.

His blood-- it's
full of cholesterol.

And not the good kind.

Woo-hoo!

Uh, Dad?

They turned you
into a vampire.

Yes! I can fly!

See you back
at the house.

Uh-oh.

No...!