The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 22, Episode 22 - The Ned-Liest Catch - full transcript

♪ The Simpsons 22x22 ♪
The Ned-Liest Catch
Original Air Date on May 22, 2011

Well done, the band.

We're all bursting with pride

after our girls' basketball team
beat Shelbyville

two-nothing in triple overtime!

Now let's make some noise.

Using our...

inside voices!

Please welcome Springfield
Elementary's own Lady Pumas!

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

I'm sorry, but the team
all got food poisoning



at the pre-rally
egg salad sandwich party.

Luckily, as equipment manager,

I... was not... invited!

No team? Oh, I guess

I just have to give you all
an hour of free play.

Let chaos reign!

Actually, I do have
a speech prepared.

Excellent, Lisa.
Free play cancelled.

No one cancels
my free play!

Sorry, man.

It's okay. Thanks for making me
part of the revolution.

Edna, control your student!

He's ruined more assemblies

than the afternoon sun
in the west window.



He's uncontrollable!

Pumpkin stickers mean nothing
to him!

That's crazy talk.

Wee!

Me bleachers

have been weaponized!

Abandon gym!

Huh?

You unrepentant
little twerp!

Oh, Edna.

It was an open hand.
Does that help?

Edna,

we can tolerate mild alcoholism,

leaving melted cheese
in the microwave,

even selling A's
for cigarettes.

But in laying a
hand on a student,

you have crossed a line.

Nurse, get
a slap kit.

Right away, sir.

In all my years of teaching,

I've never raised a hand
to a student.

But you learned!
You grew!

No! You should never raise
your hand to a child.

Just leave the crust
on their sandwiches.

They'll get
the message.

Rest assured,
Mrs. Simpson,

that we have a zero-tolerance
policy for this sort of thing

when it occurs in
front of witnesses.

What's going to happen to me?

Edna, you're suspended
with full pay until the hearing,

which is currently scheduled
for 57 years from tomorrow.

It was going to be 60,
but I moved it up because I...

I like the way
you torment Skinner.

Oh. So I-I still get my check,
but I get to stay at home?

I'm afraid
it's not quite that simple.

Uh, Seymour, who's
running this meeting?

I thought I was.

Edna, until the state
disciplinary committee rules

on your case,
every workday you'll report

to a school board
holding facility--

an educational limbo,
as it were,

where you are
the unbaptized dead by.

They never seem
to like that analogy.

This is the Rubber Room,

where accused
teachers are held

until the school board
decides what to do with them.

You show up here every day,
7:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m.

Shoes remain on, cell
phones remain off.

No Wi-Fi, and you may not
refer to this experience

as either Kafkaesque
or Orwellian.

I have to come here
every day?!

Or you could quit.

You'd like that, wouldn't you?

The only thing I'd like more is
if I could quit.

Well, I'm not quitting.

I'm staying here
till you give me my job back.

So, what do you
do for fun here?

You'll find ways
to pass the time.

Me, I watch that crack
in the ceiling.

Hey, hey, find
your own crack!

Now before I leave,

let me turn on this
malfunctioning air conditioner.

Is that ice?

Uh, no, no,
they're spider eggs.

He's a science teacher.

He'll know what to do.

Psst! Mrs. K!

Down here!

Haven't you caused
enough trouble?

You shouldn't suffer
for my bad deed.

It should just go
unpunished forever.

Fine, half-assed
apology accepted.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have a lot
of very important things to do.

Pah!

What else do you want
to talk about?

Meet me in the bathroom.

Check this out--
a dead possum.

Ay, caramba!

Okay, Bart,
what's going on?

I'm a teacher in a
bathroom with a student.

That's why most of these people
are here in the first place.

Mrs. K., I'm here to spring you.

Well, that's kind of you,

especially after I nearly
choked the life out of you.

You didn't do that.

No, but that's what
I told everyone I did

to earn the respect
of the gangs.

But I can't just wander out of
here whenever I feel like it.

Who says you're leaving?

You made a dummy of me?

Mm, I use it to
workshop my pranks.

Now follow me!

Oh, I don't know about this.

I can't believe

a middle-aged woman is scared
of a three-story drop.

I'll show you who's middle-aged!

Hmm?

Oh, great!

The one day
I put cream cheese on my bagel!

Did a volcano
erupt in Candyland?

'Cause I just caught
me a flying red hot!

Ha! Ah...

You know, I don't believe

we've ever been formally
introduced. Anyhoo,

so I don't commit the
deadliest of sins--

omission--
here's my card.

Oh.

Edna Krabappel.

Good luck finding
a rhythm for that

Okay, Ms. Krabappel,
what made you topple?

Oh, your card doesn't lie.

Well, I'm a truthful
kind of guy.

And I like
how it's printed in orange.

Hmm.

Uh, so, uh, we were talking
about why you decided

to drop in
to the Flanders Arms.

For some reason, I was following
the advice of one Bart Simpson.

Bart Simpson? Why, he lives
right next door to me!

Yeah, when they made him,

they did not skimp on
the puppy dog tails.

And what about that father?

Homer?

Yeah, he's the peanut
in your popcorn.

Lots of fun... I guess.

So, what say
we have lunch?

You know, I wouldn't mind

Homer lying naked
in his hammock,

but does he have to string it up
higher than the fence line?

I'll bet your wife
doesn't like it.

Ah, I'm afraid

my Maudie's putting plastic
on the clouds now.

Oh, you poor man.

Besides my kids, the only thing

in my life is my business,
The Leftorium.

We've been the anchor store

in the sad mall
for the last ten years.

Oh.

And you're a former Mrs.,

so, uh, where's
your husband buried?

Probably between
the hooters

of a coat check girl
in Shelbyville. Ha!

Oh, boy, that laugh
is infectious.

Ha! Ha!

That's fun.

Thank you for
lunch, Ned.

Well, thank you for taking me
to that Pinkberry place.

It's a lot less racy

than its name
would lead you to believe.

Crossing it off
my do-not-go list.

Mm-hmm.

Well, sir, I guess
I better refenestrate ya.

Any chance
I could see you again?

You know, I am a fallen woman.

Whoa, slow down.

I never go to second
entendre on the first date.

Oh, ho.

You've been in there
for three hours!

What are you doing,
taking a bath?!

♪ I cried
through many endless nights ♪

♪ Just holding my pillow tight ♪

♪ Then you came
into my lonely days ♪

♪ With your tender love
and sweet ways ♪

♪ Now, I don't know where
you come from, baby ♪

Aw.

♪ Don't know where
you've been, my baby... ♪

Good news, Edna.

The governor crushed
the teachers' union,

so you don't have to
stay here anymore.

Now I can just fire you.

Where will I go?

I'll rehire you,

but you will have to work
weekends as a prison guard.

Well, I would get a chance

to see lots
of my former students.

You've got a deal.

Mmm!

Getting sprung really made me
feel like celebrating.

Let's see what you're hiding
under this sweater.

Huh. Well, maybe
I should lose a layer.

Edna, you're a very
beautiful woman,

but I'm a little,
uh, you know...

uncomfortable with
premarital sex.

Oh, come on, Ned.

We've both been
married before.

Those two boys of yours
weren't delivered by stork.

Oh, yes, they were.

We deliberately
chose a Dr. Stork

so we could say
it without lying.

But I think if we
hold off for a while,

you'll find I'm
well worth the wait.

Like a mild cheddar, I get tangy
when I'm sitting on the shelf.

Okay, I'll try it your way.

But can I at least nibble
on the cheese? Mmm.

Well, a little nibble
won't hurt your appetite.

♪ ♪

You have the energy
for one more?

Absolutely.

This is the best DVD about
cheese-making I've ever seen.

Oh, great.

Episode 17: Muenster.

Oh, what the heck?

I know it's impolite
to make a move

till episode 25 of a
Ken Burns documentary,

but you're
that special.

Ned!

That's right, I'm down
to my wife-blesser.

It's pinot grigio time!

See you tomorrow, Teach.

Don't remind me.

Mrs. K.?

Are you still bumping
moustaches with Ned?

Yes. And the way
things are going,

you're going to be
seeing me here a lot.

Even on snow days?

Snow days, strike days, half-day
afternoons, and all summer long.

By the way-- you forgot to bring
home your math worksheet.

It's due tomorrow-- no excuses.

But what if my dog eats it?

That's the dog that's always
eating your homework?

Yeah. Um, he hates how learning

has taken me to a place
he'll never go. See?

Hang on.
Wait a minute.

Little help?

Little help?
Little help?

Uh, little
help?

Flanders,
little help?

Homer, could you stop throwin'
balls over my fence?

Oh, absolutely,
Ned. Sorry.

Little help?

Don't worry, sweetie.

Daddy will put Jack
back in the box.

Okay, time to go
back in the...

night-night...

This is harder
than it looks.

Don't you humiliate me
in front of my kid.

I thought we had
a deal, man.

Well, if it isn't
the local school marm

and his new girlfriend.

That's a burn on you, Flanders.

Pretty funny, Homer.

It's not funny at all.

Homer, I'd appreciate it if
you weren't so rude to Ned.

Whoa. Flanders, this chick
does not get our thing.

Actually,
she sort of does.

Homer, do you know
how lucky you are?

Ned is a wonderful, caring man,
and a darn good neighbor.

Language.

Yeah, language.

Sorry, Ned, but
I can't watch this guy

push you around anymore.

Marge, tell her how
I don't push Ned around.

Actually, sometimes
you do push Ned around.

What?!

Don't do that, Homie.
It rubs off your side hair.

Hey Ned, can I
borrow some hair?

Which brings me to item
number two on the agenda:

I understand you borrowed
a thing or two from Ned

that you never returned.

And I'll just take
my tumbleweed back.

See, Dad?

Having Krabappel next door
is nothing but trouble.

Teachers should not be allowed
to live near their students.

We're natural enemies,

like George Washington
and Abraham Lincoln.

Don't panic, son.

We can bust up Teachy
and Preachy.

Here's what we do:
I'll take Flanders out

and remind him of the joys
of the single life.

You scare Rod and Todd
by telling them

Krabappel will become
their evil stepmother.

If fairy tales have
taught us one thing,

it's that first wives
are perfect,

second wives are horrible.

Just the opposite
of real life.

Yeah, isn't this place great?

If you're single, you can
come here every night.

I don't want to come here.

Last time I did, someone
slipped me a Mickey

and wrote "Churchy Joe"
on my face.

It's your own fault.
You gotta read the coaster.

Oh, my.

Ned, let's cut to the chase.

Yeah, let me guess.

You're probably gonna do
something boneheaded

like try to talk me
out of seeing Edna.

Ned, if it's
boneheaded to talk

you out of seeing Edna, then
I don't wanna be brainheaded.

Homer, listen to me.

For a long time now I've been
lookin' over the fence

at that wonderful relationship
you have with Marge.

Then I remember what it was like
to have a sweet woman of my own

lying in a twin bed

across the hall
from mine.

Someone to hold the other end
of the sheet when I fold it up.

Someone to put in my prayers.

Oh, Ned, I never dreamed

that beneath those iddilies and
diddilies there was a dude.

That's right.
And like any man, I put on

my secret Christian underpants
one leg at a time.

Oh, you beautiful,
beautiful wuss.

And Cinderella's stepmom
made her sew clothes

and mop the floor.

We do that already.

Wanna see me
load a bobbin?

No, I...
Give me that shirt.

I'll patch the hole
in the armpit.

Haw haw.

Can I get this
by Tuesday?

Ned, I have a
confession to make:

I may not have come here

solely with the noble
intention of getting drunk.

But now, from the
bottom of my heart,

I wish you
and Edna the best.

Fellow barflies.

To Ned Flanders and
Edna Krabappel.

What a fox.

Yeah, to Edna.

Yeah, that broad
is some dame.

You all know Edna?

Oh, yeah, man.

Everybody knows Edna.

We made sweet music
in the band room,

poetry during English class,
and you don't want to know

what we did in
the multi-purpose room.

Shut up.

My e-mail address is
Edna-lover-one-seventy-two.

It was the lowest number
I could get.

Guys, quit telling the truth.

Yeah, Edna's amazing.

Joey Kramer?

The drummer from Aerosmith?

Yup, that's me.

And after a night with Edna,

I couldn't walk this way,
that way, or any other way.

Ooh la la.

Wait, you've all plucked
a peach from her tree?

Uh... Uh...

So Joey, is Wikipedia accurate
when it says "Walk This Way"

was inspired by
Young Frankenstein?

Well Homer, you really
put one over

on old stupid Flanders, here.

Thanks a lot, neighbor.

Don't you mean "neighboreeno"?

No. Just plain neighbor.

You stupid jerks.

I can't believe
you could be so cruel.

Especially you, Joey Kramer.

Ned, is anything wrong?

You've been acting
distracted all night.

Oh, I was just wondering
how many boxes of staples

I should order for the store.

Does ten sound like
a lot to you?

20? 50?

What does sound
like a lot to you?

What exactly are we
talking about here?

Oh, okay.

See you tomorrow?

Yeah, give me a
kiss, Neddy boy.

That's right.
Kiss all the men

that have ever made their way
to Edna's adventurous tongue.

I should be discreet in my Tweet
but brutal in my blog.

We made love
in so many elevators.

Experiment.

What is it?

I can't do it.

Edna, call me Delta Airlines

'cause I can't handle
your extra baggage.

Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.

No leavin' until we all spook
you on Edna's face.

All right, pipe down back there,
you'll get your chance.

Oh come on, Moe, quit
hoggin' her face.

I hope you're proud
of yourself, Homer.

I've got some bad
news for you, Marge.

I'm actually not.

Well, there's Ned
out on his power walk.

Maybe you should talk to him.

What?
My doctor said "don't walk."

That was a traffic signal.

Hmm.

He's a good man
and a good neighbor,

and you're drinking coffee
from his mug right now.

Hey, Flanders, hold up.

I-I know you're
not comfortable

with all the guys Edna's
seen around town.

And country.

Ned, I've...

Oh... learned
that the only way

relationship survives
is by forgiving.

Endless, endless forgiving.

And didn't the Easter
Bunny himself say

"Forgive them, father,
for finding all my eggs"?

And if giant rabbit can
lay chocolate eggs,

maybe you and Edna can find
a way to make it work.

Edna, I had a long talk with
Homer Simpson yesterday,

and as I was carrying
him back home,

I had a lot of time to think.

You've been with a lot of
men, but I forgive you.

You "forgive" me?

You sanctimonious prude.

Who are you to judge
how I've lived my life?

Ned, I'm not ashamed of dating
those men, I'm proud.

I still wear
your bra.

Well, not exactly proud,
but I'm stuck.

Ned, if we're gonna
stay together,

you have to promise that
my past will never,

ever get in our way.

I guess this is gonna have to
be decided by a higher power.

So we're going to let
the Internet decide.

Should Ned and Edna
stay together?

We'll announce the results in
next year's season premiere.

Probably at the end, so you'll
watch the whole thing.

There's a whole host of voting
options-- friends with benefits,

frenemies with frenefits,
super friends with wonder pets,

all designed to distract you

while we take your
personal information

and use it to apply for
credit cards in your name.

Homer, stop teasing.

Right.

Teasing.

I'm waitin' for ya.

Also, if you wanna find the
real shooter of Mr. Burns,

go back and look
for more clues.

They're all there.

Homie, it was Maggie.

Yeah, right.

A baby shot a guy.

Just vote. It's your duty
as a citizen of TV.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

Shh!