The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 22, Episode 21 - 500 Keys - full transcript
While Homer takes the Duff Blimp for a joyride, Lisa discovers a secret room in the basement of Sprinfield Elementary School.
It was this or a Porsche!
D'oh!
♪ The Simpsons 22x21 ♪
500 Keys
Original Air Date on May 15, 2011
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
I love your low prices,
but why did these weddings
get cancelled?
Returned because of a
fight over the prenup.
Aw...
That one there-- bride's dad
made a racist toast.
She wanted a cake
with blue rosettes,
he slept with her sister.
Cake, will you do me the honor
of making my stomach
the happiest bag of acid
in the world?
You will?!
Time for a shortcut.
Woo-hoo!
Dad, the cake!
Dad, our lives!
Fine.
Uh-oh, they've got
the right-of-way!
Morning.
Guten Tag.
Who's alone in the vehicle?
Maggie's locked in!
With the keys!
Oh!
What's wrong?
Uh, first the good news.
Two of your kids are not
locked in the car.
Maggie!
We've got to get
her out of there!
Babies aren't supposed to sleep
on their stomach on a cake.
Okay, okay, the spare key
is somewhere in here.
What's this key
with the plastic skull for?
That's the key to my box
with the real skull.
Maggie!
So how come we have
all these other keys?
Well, if you live long enough,
you start to accumulate things.
This is from a gas
station men's room.
They put the block of wood on it
so you don't walk away with it.
These are from a
key party we went to
before we realized
what a key party was.
We got out of there
just in time.
Aw, come on.
You'll miss all the sex.
Uh, this key opens
your parrot cage.
Rules are rules.
And these keys
are from all my jobs.
At some point,
we should try
to return these keys
to their
rightful owners.
Are you nuts?
Let's have some fun!
Homer, stop him!
Stop who, Marge?
Be specific.
Time to get my mischief on.
Let's start with
a little federal crime.
Oh, thank God!
I can get back the angry letter
I wrote to my boss.
I really didn't want that
subscription to The Atlantic.
Yes, and this patent
application for a robot dog
could use a bit
more tinkering.
With the biting and the
chewing on my tuchus.
Oh, the laser eyes!
Why did I give
it to him?
What the...?
I tried to do bad
and I did good.
Haw-haw.
Keys to the
Duff Brewery?
Where'd you
get those?
Well, it might have been
the time when...
Duffman doesn't need
Duff to have fun.
Seriously, you got any beer?
No.
I heard drowning makes you
feel like you're drunk.
Or maybe I just
found them on the ground.
Wow! The guys at the AA meeting
will never believe this.
Oh, my God,
there's the fire brewer.
The beech wood ager!
The rat filter!
The Duff blimp!
Oh, how I'd love
to drive that thing!
Really, Duff blimp?
You really want me to?
Oh, what the hell.
Life is made to be lived.
I've been buttoned down
too long!
Hey, Homer,
I really had you
going there, huh?
Homer?
When we see each
other again,
you'll be an old man
and I'll be a baby!
And these are from sardine
cans your father opened.
He saved them
out of sentimental value.
Oh.
I'll return this to the school.
Well, Maggie, one
key left for us.
Hmm. This looks like
it's from a windup toy.
Hmm, I hope I haven't stumbled
onto my anniversary present.
Homer? Oh.
Could you please turn
down those blimp engines
and tell me
where you are?!
I'll call you back.
Come back, Pooter Toot!
People might be offended
by your mild tastelessness!
Oh, isn't that a cute
little choo-choo...
Oh.
Daddy, did you make
that devil's music?
It wasn't me, boys.
It was the train.
What train, Daddy?
It-It was
right there.
With the... and the...
you know, the...
Jesus cries blood
every time you lie.
Oh.
Hey, Lisa.
What you doing?
Returning this lost key
to Principal Skinner.
But that key could open
any door in the school.
Aren't you curious?
Well, maybe a little.
But I'd never break the rules.
Little Miss Play-It-Safe.
Have a nice day.
Just like yesterday
and the day before that
and the day before that
and the day before that
and the day before that and
the day before that...
...and the day before that
and the day before that...
Nelson, either tell them
what they're having for lunch
or get off the P.A.
Sloppy Joes!
...and the day before that...
Tater tots!
...and the day before that...
Ooh, banned books!
Band books!
Could this key open...?
Get thee behind me Namuche!
That's the
Buddhist Satan.
Let's give it a shot.
No problem; just some cobwebs.
I've discovered a mystery
wrapped in a riddle
in the basement
of a lousy school!
It's like five classrooms
in one.
A science room, student lounge,
mathnasium.
An experimental theater
all set for
a production of
Samuel Beckett's Endgame.
A pull-down map of...
nothing?
And this ruler is unmarked,
and the tabs on this pop-up book
have no effect.
And this tooth has no dentin!
Everything is fake.
What is going on?!
Mother, it is my birthday,
not our anniversary.
Principal Skinner,
do you know anything about
a bizarre hidden classroom
underneath the school?
Mother, I have
work to do.
Well, it's work
if they pay you.
They say they're
going to.
Lisa, I know every moldy inch
of this unaccredited school,
but I have never seen
such a thing as you describe.
It's real!
I can show you.
Well, I have a very busy
schedule, but...
Myra, cancel all
my appointments.
You're just pressing a Mento.
Very true.
Okay, let's go.
Hmm. Is it drinking and driving
if you're flying a blimp?
Maybe I can find the answer
by texting.
Yo, Lenny,
do you know anything about
driving a blimp
while intoxica...
What was that?
Uh-oh.
This train is mocking
our intestinal distress!
I don't think I've ever felt
this irritable.
Excuse me.
Has anyone seen my toy?
You mean your
windup hate crime?
Ooh!
And now, without further
ado, I give you this.
What?!
"One Thousand and One
Vulgar Marching Band
Formations."
Truly these band books
deserve to be banned.
I swear, there
was a room here.
Lisa, Lisa, go home, relax.
Try to do some kid things.
You know,
with a ball or something.
Or decorate your sneakers
with a Magic-brand marker.
Oh.
Maybe this key will be the key
to putting the "key" in anarchy.
Last place anybody would
expect to see a moon: the sky.
Ow!
Why, we never!
Good-bye, cruel world!
I'm alive!
And you're my naked
fairy-god-boy.
Aw, geez, I hope no one
heard you say that.
And so, to this naked
fairy-god-boy,
I present the key to the city.
Now do us a favor and lower
your pants for the picture.
Oh!
Lisa Simpson
may be onto us.
I oversee 14 schools,
Seymour,
and for some reason, I always
find myself talking to you
about one of
the Simpsons kids!
Now... Oh, my God,
there she is.
Act natural.
Act natural!
Oh. Oh, hello, student.
Um, we were just
standing here
discussing how we have
no, uh, secrets.
And nothing to hide.
I'll just take that
key back now.
What? No!
Give me that!
Ah!
Backing away from
something, Lisa?
I've got to get back in
that room,
but Skinner took away
the only key.
What would Nancy Drew do?
Oh, don't you worry.
I'll get my friends
The Hardy Boys to help.
Extra!
Read all about it!
Lisa's a liar!
Pants on fire!
Pull over before
somebody gets hurt!
So long, suckers!
Oh! Oh, the Zoomanity!
Aha!
Hi, my name is Lisa Simpson.
Ah, yes, the Simpsons:
a notch and a bump,
two notches and a bump.
That's us.
Do you think you could reproduce
the key in this photo?
Yeah, but it's gonna cost ya.
How much?
$1.85. If you want
that little plastic ring
around it,
now that's gonna cost you
another seven cents.
Keep the change.
Yes, ma'am!
How did this bookshelf
get here so fast?
I bet it's shoddy.
What do you think
of that, Nancy Drew?
Geez, they're dropping
like flies.
"The children
are on bus 23."
I'm so sick of keys.
They've brought nothing
but good luck since I got them.
Brandine, I think we finally
gots us something
to cut off that umbrilical cord.
Well, then you got
one more mouth to feed.
Y'all want some chocolate milk?
Yes, Mama.
You got it, Embry-Joe.
Mmm!
That wisenheimer windup toy
could be anywhere.
Hmm?
Chief Wiggum,
stop that train!
Things on the ground
are out of my jurisdiction.
Oh, not through my legs.
Oh, that's really rubbin' it in.
Ah. Maybe if I use a pen.
Aw, geez, here comes that girl
I always liked in high school.
Clancy, is that you?
Oh, uh, hey, Maryann!
Uh, how are you at getting
pants off the ground?
Skinner's involved
in this, deep.
Crazy classroom, bus
full of missing kids...
I know who'd
have some answers.
Someone who's been here
a long, long time.
Yeah, I've been held back
more times than I can count.
Which I guess is why
I keep getting held back.
You know anything about
Bus 23?
Whoa, Goldilocks!
You best be leaving
those bowls of porridge alone.
There's only one bed
that's just right for me,
the bed with
the truth in it.
Which is probably
the third one.
All right, I'll tell you.
I'll tell you about Bus 23.
It was a cold winter--
two-vest cold.
A bus was loaded with kids
for a field trip.
I was gonna shake 'em down
for field trip money,
but what I heard shook me worse
than my dad when I was a baby.
Sir, this bus
is too heavy
to cross
the ice bridge.
They'll have to take
a more circuitous route.
There's no time
to be safe!
Now bang the side
of that bus!
Bang it twice!
That bus never came back.
So the answer
to our mystery lies on
the other side of
that ice bridge.
But it's summertime.
The ice bridge will be
a water nothing.
Hey, kids!
If I tossed you guys
a bucket full
of something,
could you pour it out and
toss the bucket back up?
Don't drink it!
That's where the ice bridge
would be.
Go down!
Dad, stop!
But, oh, there's
so many buttons!
Ooh!
Bart, take the controls!
What video game
is this like?
Blimp Assassin 3.
For Wii or Xbox?
Xbox.
Original or 360?
Fly the blimp,
you spoiled kid!
I'll save you, honey!
Boy, stomp on my head!
Yes! And I've got
gum on my shoe!
You're a real jerk...!
Why you undead little...!
That's not a real arm,
it's plastic.
That doesn't mean you're any
better than him, young lady.
He could be a war hero.
No, I mean they're mannequins.
Oh, there's nothing I can do
to save my sister,
the blimp or this airship.
It's all pooted out.
Oh, I'm sorry, Homie.
It's worse
than you think.
I have to buy you
a new anniversary present!
Skinner and Chalmers loaded
that bus with those kids.
But why?
I can tell you why.
Otto?
Are you the one who left
the message on the blackboard?
Yeah, it was me.
I was the bus driver
when those sweet young angels
were swallowed up
by the river.
Now I'm gonna join them!
Otto, they're just mannequins!
Then... I'm not responsible
for a horrible tragedy.
And I didn't do anything wrong
by fleeing the scene
and not reporting it and killing
that hobo with the big mouth.
I might have imagined
that last part.
Skinner! When I say
"Drive us to Bolivia,"
that is your cue
to start the damn car!
I can't find the key!
Looking for something?
Yes, my car key.
Does it look like this?
Yes, quite a bit.
He's got your key,
Seymour.
I suppose you'll want to know
why this all happened.
Picture what I'm describing
in your minds.
Years ago, we received
a government grant
to improve the school.
Unfortunately, I cashed it,
and the money was in my pants
when Mother did the laundry.
But these pants were
good for another day.
That's not your decision.
I'm the boss of
my own laundry.
Well, you don't have to sleep
next to you!
To keep the feds
from coming after us,
we built the phony schoolrooms
that you saw.
So all you had to do was fill
the class with mannequins
and take a few pictures.
Yes, except for
one small glitch:
we could only afford
to rent the mannequins.
If we didn't get them back
by 5:00,
we'd be charged
for the extra day.
And they didn't prorate.
Otto, maybe it was wrong of us
to let you think
you killed 24 children.
Who can say?
Well, there's two things
you didn't count on:
my dad getting
a giant wedding cake
and my sister
locking herself in the car.
We planned for
the wedding cake,
we just didn't see
the baby thing coming.
Well, you
should've.
How could I?
She wasn't even born yet.
People have
babies!
Not to worry.
They're just mannequins.
No, we're not!
Maybe we'll fall real slow
like Inception.
Oop, guess not.
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Shh!
D'oh!
♪ The Simpsons 22x21 ♪
500 Keys
Original Air Date on May 15, 2011
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
I love your low prices,
but why did these weddings
get cancelled?
Returned because of a
fight over the prenup.
Aw...
That one there-- bride's dad
made a racist toast.
She wanted a cake
with blue rosettes,
he slept with her sister.
Cake, will you do me the honor
of making my stomach
the happiest bag of acid
in the world?
You will?!
Time for a shortcut.
Woo-hoo!
Dad, the cake!
Dad, our lives!
Fine.
Uh-oh, they've got
the right-of-way!
Morning.
Guten Tag.
Who's alone in the vehicle?
Maggie's locked in!
With the keys!
Oh!
What's wrong?
Uh, first the good news.
Two of your kids are not
locked in the car.
Maggie!
We've got to get
her out of there!
Babies aren't supposed to sleep
on their stomach on a cake.
Okay, okay, the spare key
is somewhere in here.
What's this key
with the plastic skull for?
That's the key to my box
with the real skull.
Maggie!
So how come we have
all these other keys?
Well, if you live long enough,
you start to accumulate things.
This is from a gas
station men's room.
They put the block of wood on it
so you don't walk away with it.
These are from a
key party we went to
before we realized
what a key party was.
We got out of there
just in time.
Aw, come on.
You'll miss all the sex.
Uh, this key opens
your parrot cage.
Rules are rules.
And these keys
are from all my jobs.
At some point,
we should try
to return these keys
to their
rightful owners.
Are you nuts?
Let's have some fun!
Homer, stop him!
Stop who, Marge?
Be specific.
Time to get my mischief on.
Let's start with
a little federal crime.
Oh, thank God!
I can get back the angry letter
I wrote to my boss.
I really didn't want that
subscription to The Atlantic.
Yes, and this patent
application for a robot dog
could use a bit
more tinkering.
With the biting and the
chewing on my tuchus.
Oh, the laser eyes!
Why did I give
it to him?
What the...?
I tried to do bad
and I did good.
Haw-haw.
Keys to the
Duff Brewery?
Where'd you
get those?
Well, it might have been
the time when...
Duffman doesn't need
Duff to have fun.
Seriously, you got any beer?
No.
I heard drowning makes you
feel like you're drunk.
Or maybe I just
found them on the ground.
Wow! The guys at the AA meeting
will never believe this.
Oh, my God,
there's the fire brewer.
The beech wood ager!
The rat filter!
The Duff blimp!
Oh, how I'd love
to drive that thing!
Really, Duff blimp?
You really want me to?
Oh, what the hell.
Life is made to be lived.
I've been buttoned down
too long!
Hey, Homer,
I really had you
going there, huh?
Homer?
When we see each
other again,
you'll be an old man
and I'll be a baby!
And these are from sardine
cans your father opened.
He saved them
out of sentimental value.
Oh.
I'll return this to the school.
Well, Maggie, one
key left for us.
Hmm. This looks like
it's from a windup toy.
Hmm, I hope I haven't stumbled
onto my anniversary present.
Homer? Oh.
Could you please turn
down those blimp engines
and tell me
where you are?!
I'll call you back.
Come back, Pooter Toot!
People might be offended
by your mild tastelessness!
Oh, isn't that a cute
little choo-choo...
Oh.
Daddy, did you make
that devil's music?
It wasn't me, boys.
It was the train.
What train, Daddy?
It-It was
right there.
With the... and the...
you know, the...
Jesus cries blood
every time you lie.
Oh.
Hey, Lisa.
What you doing?
Returning this lost key
to Principal Skinner.
But that key could open
any door in the school.
Aren't you curious?
Well, maybe a little.
But I'd never break the rules.
Little Miss Play-It-Safe.
Have a nice day.
Just like yesterday
and the day before that
and the day before that
and the day before that
and the day before that and
the day before that...
...and the day before that
and the day before that...
Nelson, either tell them
what they're having for lunch
or get off the P.A.
Sloppy Joes!
...and the day before that...
Tater tots!
...and the day before that...
Ooh, banned books!
Band books!
Could this key open...?
Get thee behind me Namuche!
That's the
Buddhist Satan.
Let's give it a shot.
No problem; just some cobwebs.
I've discovered a mystery
wrapped in a riddle
in the basement
of a lousy school!
It's like five classrooms
in one.
A science room, student lounge,
mathnasium.
An experimental theater
all set for
a production of
Samuel Beckett's Endgame.
A pull-down map of...
nothing?
And this ruler is unmarked,
and the tabs on this pop-up book
have no effect.
And this tooth has no dentin!
Everything is fake.
What is going on?!
Mother, it is my birthday,
not our anniversary.
Principal Skinner,
do you know anything about
a bizarre hidden classroom
underneath the school?
Mother, I have
work to do.
Well, it's work
if they pay you.
They say they're
going to.
Lisa, I know every moldy inch
of this unaccredited school,
but I have never seen
such a thing as you describe.
It's real!
I can show you.
Well, I have a very busy
schedule, but...
Myra, cancel all
my appointments.
You're just pressing a Mento.
Very true.
Okay, let's go.
Hmm. Is it drinking and driving
if you're flying a blimp?
Maybe I can find the answer
by texting.
Yo, Lenny,
do you know anything about
driving a blimp
while intoxica...
What was that?
Uh-oh.
This train is mocking
our intestinal distress!
I don't think I've ever felt
this irritable.
Excuse me.
Has anyone seen my toy?
You mean your
windup hate crime?
Ooh!
And now, without further
ado, I give you this.
What?!
"One Thousand and One
Vulgar Marching Band
Formations."
Truly these band books
deserve to be banned.
I swear, there
was a room here.
Lisa, Lisa, go home, relax.
Try to do some kid things.
You know,
with a ball or something.
Or decorate your sneakers
with a Magic-brand marker.
Oh.
Maybe this key will be the key
to putting the "key" in anarchy.
Last place anybody would
expect to see a moon: the sky.
Ow!
Why, we never!
Good-bye, cruel world!
I'm alive!
And you're my naked
fairy-god-boy.
Aw, geez, I hope no one
heard you say that.
And so, to this naked
fairy-god-boy,
I present the key to the city.
Now do us a favor and lower
your pants for the picture.
Oh!
Lisa Simpson
may be onto us.
I oversee 14 schools,
Seymour,
and for some reason, I always
find myself talking to you
about one of
the Simpsons kids!
Now... Oh, my God,
there she is.
Act natural.
Act natural!
Oh. Oh, hello, student.
Um, we were just
standing here
discussing how we have
no, uh, secrets.
And nothing to hide.
I'll just take that
key back now.
What? No!
Give me that!
Ah!
Backing away from
something, Lisa?
I've got to get back in
that room,
but Skinner took away
the only key.
What would Nancy Drew do?
Oh, don't you worry.
I'll get my friends
The Hardy Boys to help.
Extra!
Read all about it!
Lisa's a liar!
Pants on fire!
Pull over before
somebody gets hurt!
So long, suckers!
Oh! Oh, the Zoomanity!
Aha!
Hi, my name is Lisa Simpson.
Ah, yes, the Simpsons:
a notch and a bump,
two notches and a bump.
That's us.
Do you think you could reproduce
the key in this photo?
Yeah, but it's gonna cost ya.
How much?
$1.85. If you want
that little plastic ring
around it,
now that's gonna cost you
another seven cents.
Keep the change.
Yes, ma'am!
How did this bookshelf
get here so fast?
I bet it's shoddy.
What do you think
of that, Nancy Drew?
Geez, they're dropping
like flies.
"The children
are on bus 23."
I'm so sick of keys.
They've brought nothing
but good luck since I got them.
Brandine, I think we finally
gots us something
to cut off that umbrilical cord.
Well, then you got
one more mouth to feed.
Y'all want some chocolate milk?
Yes, Mama.
You got it, Embry-Joe.
Mmm!
That wisenheimer windup toy
could be anywhere.
Hmm?
Chief Wiggum,
stop that train!
Things on the ground
are out of my jurisdiction.
Oh, not through my legs.
Oh, that's really rubbin' it in.
Ah. Maybe if I use a pen.
Aw, geez, here comes that girl
I always liked in high school.
Clancy, is that you?
Oh, uh, hey, Maryann!
Uh, how are you at getting
pants off the ground?
Skinner's involved
in this, deep.
Crazy classroom, bus
full of missing kids...
I know who'd
have some answers.
Someone who's been here
a long, long time.
Yeah, I've been held back
more times than I can count.
Which I guess is why
I keep getting held back.
You know anything about
Bus 23?
Whoa, Goldilocks!
You best be leaving
those bowls of porridge alone.
There's only one bed
that's just right for me,
the bed with
the truth in it.
Which is probably
the third one.
All right, I'll tell you.
I'll tell you about Bus 23.
It was a cold winter--
two-vest cold.
A bus was loaded with kids
for a field trip.
I was gonna shake 'em down
for field trip money,
but what I heard shook me worse
than my dad when I was a baby.
Sir, this bus
is too heavy
to cross
the ice bridge.
They'll have to take
a more circuitous route.
There's no time
to be safe!
Now bang the side
of that bus!
Bang it twice!
That bus never came back.
So the answer
to our mystery lies on
the other side of
that ice bridge.
But it's summertime.
The ice bridge will be
a water nothing.
Hey, kids!
If I tossed you guys
a bucket full
of something,
could you pour it out and
toss the bucket back up?
Don't drink it!
That's where the ice bridge
would be.
Go down!
Dad, stop!
But, oh, there's
so many buttons!
Ooh!
Bart, take the controls!
What video game
is this like?
Blimp Assassin 3.
For Wii or Xbox?
Xbox.
Original or 360?
Fly the blimp,
you spoiled kid!
I'll save you, honey!
Boy, stomp on my head!
Yes! And I've got
gum on my shoe!
You're a real jerk...!
Why you undead little...!
That's not a real arm,
it's plastic.
That doesn't mean you're any
better than him, young lady.
He could be a war hero.
No, I mean they're mannequins.
Oh, there's nothing I can do
to save my sister,
the blimp or this airship.
It's all pooted out.
Oh, I'm sorry, Homie.
It's worse
than you think.
I have to buy you
a new anniversary present!
Skinner and Chalmers loaded
that bus with those kids.
But why?
I can tell you why.
Otto?
Are you the one who left
the message on the blackboard?
Yeah, it was me.
I was the bus driver
when those sweet young angels
were swallowed up
by the river.
Now I'm gonna join them!
Otto, they're just mannequins!
Then... I'm not responsible
for a horrible tragedy.
And I didn't do anything wrong
by fleeing the scene
and not reporting it and killing
that hobo with the big mouth.
I might have imagined
that last part.
Skinner! When I say
"Drive us to Bolivia,"
that is your cue
to start the damn car!
I can't find the key!
Looking for something?
Yes, my car key.
Does it look like this?
Yes, quite a bit.
He's got your key,
Seymour.
I suppose you'll want to know
why this all happened.
Picture what I'm describing
in your minds.
Years ago, we received
a government grant
to improve the school.
Unfortunately, I cashed it,
and the money was in my pants
when Mother did the laundry.
But these pants were
good for another day.
That's not your decision.
I'm the boss of
my own laundry.
Well, you don't have to sleep
next to you!
To keep the feds
from coming after us,
we built the phony schoolrooms
that you saw.
So all you had to do was fill
the class with mannequins
and take a few pictures.
Yes, except for
one small glitch:
we could only afford
to rent the mannequins.
If we didn't get them back
by 5:00,
we'd be charged
for the extra day.
And they didn't prorate.
Otto, maybe it was wrong of us
to let you think
you killed 24 children.
Who can say?
Well, there's two things
you didn't count on:
my dad getting
a giant wedding cake
and my sister
locking herself in the car.
We planned for
the wedding cake,
we just didn't see
the baby thing coming.
Well, you
should've.
How could I?
She wasn't even born yet.
People have
babies!
Not to worry.
They're just mannequins.
No, we're not!
Maybe we'll fall real slow
like Inception.
Oop, guess not.
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Shh!