The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 22, Episode 20 - Homer Scissorhands - full transcript
Homer opens his own salon after he discovers that he has skills as a hair stylist, and Lisa becomes suspicious after Millhouse gets a 5th grade girlfriend.
Ooh!
D'oh!
Oh!
♪ The Simpsons 22x20 ♪
Homer Scissorhands
Original Air Date on May 8, 2011
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Mm!
Hey... huh?!
Lisa, this is going
too slow for me.
And I work at the DMV.
Mind if we
take a nap?
I'll have to make it
more neo-classical
and less Mannerist, but okay.
You say such
cute little...
I jumped in front
of your picture.
Now it's ruined.
Bart, this isn't a photograph.
I'm not gonna
just paint you into my-- aw!
You just ruined
six months' work!
I'm really sorry
it wasn't a year.
Aw! You're gonna regret
the day you were born.
I already do.
It's too close to Christmas.
Ugh!
Not to worry.
Now what?
Bart, I'm afraid we need the
help of someone older and wiser.
Oh, I get to enjoy this,
but I'm not responsible.
Actually, Dad, as the
supervising parent today,
you'll get your share
of the blame, too.
What do I do?
Patty's gonna kill me.
Unless...
I kill her first.
I put the body in the car,
I dump the car in the lake,
I put a James Taylor CD
in the stereo
so they think it's a suicide...
Why don't you just cut the paint
out of her hair?
Oh, fine, whatever.
I'll just keep cutting
till I hit something solid.
And now, to break the news
as gently as I know how.
Wake-up-and-look-at-your-hair!
What happened to you?
Whoa! Who undid my do?
I didn't do diddily,
and certainly not squat.
Hmm, actually,
it's kind of cute.
You look like Posh Spice.
That's just what
I was going for.
I was going for Scary.
You did this?
With your fat fingers and your
brain the size of a Superball?
And stay out.
I can't believe
I'm saying this...
Homer Simpson, do me.
I meant my hair.
Oh! Oh...
Idiot.
Milhouse, check it out.
I put a roadblock
on the curly slide.
Isn't this the
greatest day ever?
There are
no more great days, Bart.
Just days.
What's wrong, man?
Something happened
last night.
Something that
really changed me.
My mom put in the
Finding Nemo DVD,
but then she got
a phone call.
So I started it myself.
Did you know it has a chapter
before chapter two?
A chapter where we meet
Nemo's mother.
Nemo doesn't
have a mother.
Not after Chapter One,
he doesn't.
If death can happen to a fish,
it can happen to anyone.
You've gotta live life
while you can.
So I'm gonna finally proclaim
my love for Lisa.
That's your take-away
from Nemo?
I think you've already made
your feelings for Lisa clear.
Well, I can make them
more clear.
You see, in the past,
I've been too subtle.
It's my curse-- subtlety!
Homer, thanks to your
unlicensed barbery,
Patty and Selma have been
getting compliments
all day at the DMV.
You two look good.
Open-casket good.
Well!
I hear this is the home
of Springfield's hottest
hairdresser.
I need a haircut-- and I need
it in three, two, one, now.
Lady, I'm not a hairdresser.
I just put a new lid
on a couple of trashcans.
A hundred dollars?!
Marge, how much is
that in smackaroos?
One hundred.
Wow. Wow.
Wow!
Wow!
Hello, airport piano bar.
And it'll look good
in the morning, too.
Are you sure you
don't have a salon?
Well, I open
a lot of crazy things
when I'm drunk,
but I don't think so.
Too bad.
Just call me
"Homer Fingerhands."
I'd rather call you by your
normal name, if that's okay.
But I never knew you
were so good with hair.
Marge, when someone loses their
hair, they miss it the most.
It's like a beloved dog
that died on your head.
You better not be brushing
your hair again.
Uh, uh, no, I'm, uh...
just exploring my body.
You better be.
Oh, hair.
I'll love you
when you're old and gray.
Huh?
Well, two can play at that game.
Now that my soft,
chestnut mane is gone,
I dream of cutting hair,
styling hair,
making hair shorter
in exchange for money.
Maybe I should open
a hair salon.
Well, Newsweek magazine did say
it's good to change careers,
right after they laid off
all their editors.
Yeah.
But what if I can't find any
commercial rental property?
I really thought people would
like to harvest their own honey.
Oh, how they hated it.
Attention, lovers of love.
Let it be known by all:
Lisa Simpson is
the smartest, sweetest,
most perfectest girl
in the whole world,
and I shall not rest
until I am her boyfriend.
I know you like music, Lisa,
so I'm gonna perform a love song
I wrote... for you.
Oh yeah, it's a theremin.
♪ Teacher said, don't
eat the paste ♪
♪ 'Tis apt to make you spew ♪
♪ I ate the paste,
and liked the taste ♪
♪ Passed out
and dreamed of you. ♪
Okay--
first of all, it's never wise
to use the word "spew"
in a love song.
♪ Lisa, Lisa, maid so fair ♪
♪ With crimson dress
and pointy hair ♪
♪ Do you mind
if I stop and stare ♪
♪ Look in your mind
and I'm there. ♪
Yeesh... Ew....
So, Lisa, I love you.
Is that love
"requited" or "un"?
I'm sorry, but I don't love
you, Milhouse, and I never will.
I thought that was beautiful.
You did?
Yeah. It was romantic
and it rhymed.
Well, I used a rhyming
dictionary,
but it only
gives you options.
The job of the poet is to say,
"This one, I guess."
I'm Taffy.
Would you like to help me
roll the theremin
back to the A.V. closet?
It's a date.
Hm! That theremin has paid
for itself again and again.
All day long, Apu goes
on about Lady Gaga,
who is doing nothing that
Rava Khatan was not doing
20 years ago, while she was
a member of Parliament.
Oh, now, how could
someone as young as you
know about 20 years ago?
Oh!
Funny how my Timothy always
uses the short-form baptism
when there's a basketball game
he wants to watch...
The worst know-it-all!
I can't--
Wears the same pants
for a month!
I could just talk on and on!
Homie, are you even
listening to me?
Because I have
so much to tell you:
The mailman did
the other side of the street
before our side.
Turns out it was
a substitute.
I'm sorry, honey.
All day long I have
to listen to women talk.
Not a good time!
Hey, Lise, those books aren't
gonna pick themselves up.
Oh. Usually,
Milhouse does it.
Hey, guys.
Uh, Lisa, you
dropped your books.
When you pick 'em up,
make sure you bend
your knees.
You know so much about
body mechanics!
Well, I've worn a lot of
different braces in my time.
This dame is
really into you!
She sure is.
This morning I got
to second base...
on our walk around
the softball diamond.
Why would a popular
fifth-grader like Taffy be
interested in a Milhouse
like Milhouse?
I dunno.
It's one of those mysteries,
like how do my clothes get clean
and put back in my drawers?
Well, I'm gonna find out
why, because this is...
Knees, Lisa!
Knees!
Mm-hmm. Oh, yes, right.
Ooh, oh! Mm-hmm.
I know Kirk resents
that the dog likes me more,
but Rex is just establishing
dominance over the weaker male.
That's what
miniature dachshunds do.
Oh, yeah.
Men are such dogs,
and vice versa.
Is there anyone in here
that just wants
a haircut with
no chitchat?
No, not me.
No.
Hey, I don't want a
conversation.
Oh?!
I just want you to listen
while I talk about
the loser I'm married to.
These are really good scissors.
All day long, they tell me
stupid, pointless,
boring stories, and I have
to stand there listening
with a phony grin
plastered on my face.
Uh-huh.
Well, Homer,
you're safe here.
You can forget everything
they said.
When I look at you,
all I see are the foibles that
drive your women crazy!
Foibles! Foibles! Foibles!
Calm down there, Homer.
What got into him?
The freaky ad campaign
they're running.
Homer, can you make me
look fan-cy?
Sorry, Sarah,
I'm retired.
But tonight's
the Policemen's Ball!
And if you let
my Sarah down,
I can make life
very difficult for you.
I'd like to see you try.
Huh, where you goin'?
Excuse me.
Uh-uh-uh!
Come on! Would you...?
No, no.
Oh, buh!
I, uh, I can also make
very annoying noises.
Come on, bro,
don't hassle me!
Stop that!
Okay, okay, you win.
I'll teach you how
to make love to your wife!
What? No!
Just cut her hair!
Right.
Homer, I thought
you were gonna quit.
I can't.
They won't let me.
Lenny, be a pal and
saw off my hands.
Why don't you do here
what you do
at the nuclear plant--
namely, suck?
Suck!
Of course!
So, I told Timothy
you cannot keep basing sermons
on old Seinfelds.
Oh, my God.
Like Mozart and
Johnny Knoxville,
my genius cannot be stopped!
Oh, there's only one way out!
I'm committing Barbicide!
Oh, why doesn't anything
kill me?
Hmm...
Hey, that's Taffy's page.
Ooh, I see that she's in
a relationship.
Shut up.
I just want to know what
she's up to with Milhouse.
A girl like her could get
a fifth-grader,
maybe even Kyle LoBianco!
I hear he goes to California
on his vacations.
That's the first thing everyone
knows about Kyle LoBianco!
Taffy's up to something.
And I won't find out what it is,
sitting at a computer.
It's time
to get boots on the ground.
You like my boots?
Once you get past the
sister ick, they're fine.
Oh, my poor Homie.
Marge, do you hear it?
Listen!
It's the hair... growing!
Always growing!
Blonde, brunette,
auburn!
This ends now!
I need some highlights
for a bridal shower!
You can start with
the rinse! Shoo!
Please?!
I'll even buy... product!
Here, my love.
Thank you.
Anything for
my silly Milly.
Who'd follow Milhouse around
like that?
Sneaking around after them
all day has taught me
a lot about this sicko.
Evening.
I am never gonna get
my homework done tonight.
All right, sister,
what's your game?
We're just trying
to put our relationship
back together.
In the sack,
he's Salisbury steak,
everywhere else, creamed corn.
I am so sorry.
Lisa?
Ugh!
Not her again.
Yeah, Lisa,
can't you leave me alone?
We're over.
You're not over,
you never were!
Milhouse,
you're a great guy,
but we're not gonna work out
for one reason.
Is it 'cause when
I wore cuffed pants
they filled up
with leaves?
That wasn't
a great day for us.
But it's because you'll
always be in love with her.
He likes his
apple pie warm
and his
a la mode cold.
Good luck.
You don't want me
to be with you,
you don't want me to be
with someone else.
How miserable do I have
to be before you're happy?
Milhouse, I, I...
Lisa, does this mean
you like me?
Yes. No!
I don't know!
It means that...
that life is full
of unexpected things
and you should
never give up.
And you're cute in
the moonlight.
Aah!
Everything's comin' up Milhouse!
Doctor and Mrs.
Julius Hibbert!
Mr. Discotheque Stuart,
unaccompanied!
My girlfriend
isn't feeling well tonight.
Krusty the Clown and
Disco Stu's girlfriend!
Mr. Homer J. and Mrs. Marge
Bouvier Simpson!
Her hair!
Move over, Lard Lad statue,
it's the eighth wonder
of the Springfield world!
You've outdone
yourself, Homer!
Oh, yes, ladies,
I've outdone myself.
Outdone myself
by not doing it at all!
Stop talking crazy talk!
I'm afraid it's all too true.
My wife has betrayed me...
with another hairdresser!
Another hairdresser?
Who is it?
We must know!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no,
Julio is my little secret!
I've said too much!
Julio?
That's right, ladies.
And I never heard a complaint I
didn't sympathetically cluck to.
That's how I roll.
Okay, first five customers
get a discount.
Next five hear secrets
about the first five.
Come on, get in line.
It worked perfectly.
As if anyone but you could
make me feel this beautiful.
Aw, sweetie,
thanks for saving me
from the horrible life
Warren Beatty lived
in Shampoo.
Now it's time
to pay you back.
Oh... ooh...
Homie, you're making
my toes curl.
You sure know how
to please a woman.
As long as it doesn't
involve losing weight
or changing my pants.
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Shh!
D'oh!
Oh!
♪ The Simpsons 22x20 ♪
Homer Scissorhands
Original Air Date on May 8, 2011
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Mm!
Hey... huh?!
Lisa, this is going
too slow for me.
And I work at the DMV.
Mind if we
take a nap?
I'll have to make it
more neo-classical
and less Mannerist, but okay.
You say such
cute little...
I jumped in front
of your picture.
Now it's ruined.
Bart, this isn't a photograph.
I'm not gonna
just paint you into my-- aw!
You just ruined
six months' work!
I'm really sorry
it wasn't a year.
Aw! You're gonna regret
the day you were born.
I already do.
It's too close to Christmas.
Ugh!
Not to worry.
Now what?
Bart, I'm afraid we need the
help of someone older and wiser.
Oh, I get to enjoy this,
but I'm not responsible.
Actually, Dad, as the
supervising parent today,
you'll get your share
of the blame, too.
What do I do?
Patty's gonna kill me.
Unless...
I kill her first.
I put the body in the car,
I dump the car in the lake,
I put a James Taylor CD
in the stereo
so they think it's a suicide...
Why don't you just cut the paint
out of her hair?
Oh, fine, whatever.
I'll just keep cutting
till I hit something solid.
And now, to break the news
as gently as I know how.
Wake-up-and-look-at-your-hair!
What happened to you?
Whoa! Who undid my do?
I didn't do diddily,
and certainly not squat.
Hmm, actually,
it's kind of cute.
You look like Posh Spice.
That's just what
I was going for.
I was going for Scary.
You did this?
With your fat fingers and your
brain the size of a Superball?
And stay out.
I can't believe
I'm saying this...
Homer Simpson, do me.
I meant my hair.
Oh! Oh...
Idiot.
Milhouse, check it out.
I put a roadblock
on the curly slide.
Isn't this the
greatest day ever?
There are
no more great days, Bart.
Just days.
What's wrong, man?
Something happened
last night.
Something that
really changed me.
My mom put in the
Finding Nemo DVD,
but then she got
a phone call.
So I started it myself.
Did you know it has a chapter
before chapter two?
A chapter where we meet
Nemo's mother.
Nemo doesn't
have a mother.
Not after Chapter One,
he doesn't.
If death can happen to a fish,
it can happen to anyone.
You've gotta live life
while you can.
So I'm gonna finally proclaim
my love for Lisa.
That's your take-away
from Nemo?
I think you've already made
your feelings for Lisa clear.
Well, I can make them
more clear.
You see, in the past,
I've been too subtle.
It's my curse-- subtlety!
Homer, thanks to your
unlicensed barbery,
Patty and Selma have been
getting compliments
all day at the DMV.
You two look good.
Open-casket good.
Well!
I hear this is the home
of Springfield's hottest
hairdresser.
I need a haircut-- and I need
it in three, two, one, now.
Lady, I'm not a hairdresser.
I just put a new lid
on a couple of trashcans.
A hundred dollars?!
Marge, how much is
that in smackaroos?
One hundred.
Wow. Wow.
Wow!
Wow!
Hello, airport piano bar.
And it'll look good
in the morning, too.
Are you sure you
don't have a salon?
Well, I open
a lot of crazy things
when I'm drunk,
but I don't think so.
Too bad.
Just call me
"Homer Fingerhands."
I'd rather call you by your
normal name, if that's okay.
But I never knew you
were so good with hair.
Marge, when someone loses their
hair, they miss it the most.
It's like a beloved dog
that died on your head.
You better not be brushing
your hair again.
Uh, uh, no, I'm, uh...
just exploring my body.
You better be.
Oh, hair.
I'll love you
when you're old and gray.
Huh?
Well, two can play at that game.
Now that my soft,
chestnut mane is gone,
I dream of cutting hair,
styling hair,
making hair shorter
in exchange for money.
Maybe I should open
a hair salon.
Well, Newsweek magazine did say
it's good to change careers,
right after they laid off
all their editors.
Yeah.
But what if I can't find any
commercial rental property?
I really thought people would
like to harvest their own honey.
Oh, how they hated it.
Attention, lovers of love.
Let it be known by all:
Lisa Simpson is
the smartest, sweetest,
most perfectest girl
in the whole world,
and I shall not rest
until I am her boyfriend.
I know you like music, Lisa,
so I'm gonna perform a love song
I wrote... for you.
Oh yeah, it's a theremin.
♪ Teacher said, don't
eat the paste ♪
♪ 'Tis apt to make you spew ♪
♪ I ate the paste,
and liked the taste ♪
♪ Passed out
and dreamed of you. ♪
Okay--
first of all, it's never wise
to use the word "spew"
in a love song.
♪ Lisa, Lisa, maid so fair ♪
♪ With crimson dress
and pointy hair ♪
♪ Do you mind
if I stop and stare ♪
♪ Look in your mind
and I'm there. ♪
Yeesh... Ew....
So, Lisa, I love you.
Is that love
"requited" or "un"?
I'm sorry, but I don't love
you, Milhouse, and I never will.
I thought that was beautiful.
You did?
Yeah. It was romantic
and it rhymed.
Well, I used a rhyming
dictionary,
but it only
gives you options.
The job of the poet is to say,
"This one, I guess."
I'm Taffy.
Would you like to help me
roll the theremin
back to the A.V. closet?
It's a date.
Hm! That theremin has paid
for itself again and again.
All day long, Apu goes
on about Lady Gaga,
who is doing nothing that
Rava Khatan was not doing
20 years ago, while she was
a member of Parliament.
Oh, now, how could
someone as young as you
know about 20 years ago?
Oh!
Funny how my Timothy always
uses the short-form baptism
when there's a basketball game
he wants to watch...
The worst know-it-all!
I can't--
Wears the same pants
for a month!
I could just talk on and on!
Homie, are you even
listening to me?
Because I have
so much to tell you:
The mailman did
the other side of the street
before our side.
Turns out it was
a substitute.
I'm sorry, honey.
All day long I have
to listen to women talk.
Not a good time!
Hey, Lise, those books aren't
gonna pick themselves up.
Oh. Usually,
Milhouse does it.
Hey, guys.
Uh, Lisa, you
dropped your books.
When you pick 'em up,
make sure you bend
your knees.
You know so much about
body mechanics!
Well, I've worn a lot of
different braces in my time.
This dame is
really into you!
She sure is.
This morning I got
to second base...
on our walk around
the softball diamond.
Why would a popular
fifth-grader like Taffy be
interested in a Milhouse
like Milhouse?
I dunno.
It's one of those mysteries,
like how do my clothes get clean
and put back in my drawers?
Well, I'm gonna find out
why, because this is...
Knees, Lisa!
Knees!
Mm-hmm. Oh, yes, right.
Ooh, oh! Mm-hmm.
I know Kirk resents
that the dog likes me more,
but Rex is just establishing
dominance over the weaker male.
That's what
miniature dachshunds do.
Oh, yeah.
Men are such dogs,
and vice versa.
Is there anyone in here
that just wants
a haircut with
no chitchat?
No, not me.
No.
Hey, I don't want a
conversation.
Oh?!
I just want you to listen
while I talk about
the loser I'm married to.
These are really good scissors.
All day long, they tell me
stupid, pointless,
boring stories, and I have
to stand there listening
with a phony grin
plastered on my face.
Uh-huh.
Well, Homer,
you're safe here.
You can forget everything
they said.
When I look at you,
all I see are the foibles that
drive your women crazy!
Foibles! Foibles! Foibles!
Calm down there, Homer.
What got into him?
The freaky ad campaign
they're running.
Homer, can you make me
look fan-cy?
Sorry, Sarah,
I'm retired.
But tonight's
the Policemen's Ball!
And if you let
my Sarah down,
I can make life
very difficult for you.
I'd like to see you try.
Huh, where you goin'?
Excuse me.
Uh-uh-uh!
Come on! Would you...?
No, no.
Oh, buh!
I, uh, I can also make
very annoying noises.
Come on, bro,
don't hassle me!
Stop that!
Okay, okay, you win.
I'll teach you how
to make love to your wife!
What? No!
Just cut her hair!
Right.
Homer, I thought
you were gonna quit.
I can't.
They won't let me.
Lenny, be a pal and
saw off my hands.
Why don't you do here
what you do
at the nuclear plant--
namely, suck?
Suck!
Of course!
So, I told Timothy
you cannot keep basing sermons
on old Seinfelds.
Oh, my God.
Like Mozart and
Johnny Knoxville,
my genius cannot be stopped!
Oh, there's only one way out!
I'm committing Barbicide!
Oh, why doesn't anything
kill me?
Hmm...
Hey, that's Taffy's page.
Ooh, I see that she's in
a relationship.
Shut up.
I just want to know what
she's up to with Milhouse.
A girl like her could get
a fifth-grader,
maybe even Kyle LoBianco!
I hear he goes to California
on his vacations.
That's the first thing everyone
knows about Kyle LoBianco!
Taffy's up to something.
And I won't find out what it is,
sitting at a computer.
It's time
to get boots on the ground.
You like my boots?
Once you get past the
sister ick, they're fine.
Oh, my poor Homie.
Marge, do you hear it?
Listen!
It's the hair... growing!
Always growing!
Blonde, brunette,
auburn!
This ends now!
I need some highlights
for a bridal shower!
You can start with
the rinse! Shoo!
Please?!
I'll even buy... product!
Here, my love.
Thank you.
Anything for
my silly Milly.
Who'd follow Milhouse around
like that?
Sneaking around after them
all day has taught me
a lot about this sicko.
Evening.
I am never gonna get
my homework done tonight.
All right, sister,
what's your game?
We're just trying
to put our relationship
back together.
In the sack,
he's Salisbury steak,
everywhere else, creamed corn.
I am so sorry.
Lisa?
Ugh!
Not her again.
Yeah, Lisa,
can't you leave me alone?
We're over.
You're not over,
you never were!
Milhouse,
you're a great guy,
but we're not gonna work out
for one reason.
Is it 'cause when
I wore cuffed pants
they filled up
with leaves?
That wasn't
a great day for us.
But it's because you'll
always be in love with her.
He likes his
apple pie warm
and his
a la mode cold.
Good luck.
You don't want me
to be with you,
you don't want me to be
with someone else.
How miserable do I have
to be before you're happy?
Milhouse, I, I...
Lisa, does this mean
you like me?
Yes. No!
I don't know!
It means that...
that life is full
of unexpected things
and you should
never give up.
And you're cute in
the moonlight.
Aah!
Everything's comin' up Milhouse!
Doctor and Mrs.
Julius Hibbert!
Mr. Discotheque Stuart,
unaccompanied!
My girlfriend
isn't feeling well tonight.
Krusty the Clown and
Disco Stu's girlfriend!
Mr. Homer J. and Mrs. Marge
Bouvier Simpson!
Her hair!
Move over, Lard Lad statue,
it's the eighth wonder
of the Springfield world!
You've outdone
yourself, Homer!
Oh, yes, ladies,
I've outdone myself.
Outdone myself
by not doing it at all!
Stop talking crazy talk!
I'm afraid it's all too true.
My wife has betrayed me...
with another hairdresser!
Another hairdresser?
Who is it?
We must know!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no,
Julio is my little secret!
I've said too much!
Julio?
That's right, ladies.
And I never heard a complaint I
didn't sympathetically cluck to.
That's how I roll.
Okay, first five customers
get a discount.
Next five hear secrets
about the first five.
Come on, get in line.
It worked perfectly.
As if anyone but you could
make me feel this beautiful.
Aw, sweetie,
thanks for saving me
from the horrible life
Warren Beatty lived
in Shampoo.
Now it's time
to pay you back.
Oh... ooh...
Homie, you're making
my toes curl.
You sure know how
to please a woman.
As long as it doesn't
involve losing weight
or changing my pants.
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Shh!