The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 22, Episode 19 - The Real Housewives of Fat Tony - full transcript

D'oh!

♪ The Simpsons 22x19 ♪
The Real Housewives of Fat Tony
Original Air Date on May 1, 2011

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

Oh, I was standing in this
line to use the bathroom,

but now my license
is expired.

Hey Dad, there's an arcade
across the street.

And there's really no point
in all of us waiting in line.

Hmm.

Oh, I was invited to that party.

Oh, that's good.

Next.
Woo-hoo. First in line.



Brought you a gift bag.

All that's left
is banana Runts.

That's the worst Runt.

Back of the line, stranger.
Huh?

We used our last day of summer
vacation standing in this line,

and now it's time
for our reward.

Next in line.

What am I bid for next in line?

Five bucks.
Ten bones.

Half a cheesesteak.

I'll perform at
your birthday party.

Sober.
Quarter of a cheesesteak.

A nest with a robin's egg.

The wrapper of a cheesesteak.



FAT TONY:
I bid one lollipop.

Sold, to the lowest bidder.

Which of you losers
is next in line?

Hello, "Selma."

I'd like to submit
a change of address.

Leaving Mockingbird Lane,
Mr. Munster?

Excuse me?

Dad, Aunt Selma's treating a mob
boss like an ordinary taxpayer.

And we've got
front-row seats.

So, you here
for an eye test?

Read this.

Process my form.

I'm afraid this is
the wrong form.

The one you want

is on that table.
And if I retrieve that form,

will I be able to maintain my
advantageous position in line?

Try it and see.

Nope.

Geez, we had a safe
full of gold in there

and it didn't ride so low.

My lick.

My lick.

My lick.

Hey, you licked the back.
That was my side.

Aw, brother germs!

Aw, sister spit!

Hmm.

Bart, this is a truffle.

You're a truffle.

A truffle is a fungus
that grows in tree roots.

It's one of the most prized
gourmet foods in the world.

Only you can make
tree poop boring.

Bart, you can
find them by smell.

That's amazing.

Restaurateurs use highly-trained
pigs to sniff these out.

Come on, numb nose.
Sniff me a truffle.

I don't know why
I flew you in from Italy.

First class, no less.

Plus you forget
to get the miles.

Interested in these?

Eh?
Jody Maroni.

But where is
your truffle pig?

You're lookin' at him.

A human pig.

Thank you, Lord,
for this abomination.

Eh, eh, eh.

You know-a the rule:
no truffles for truffle pigs.

And now that I have him,

I find a new use
for you

in my kitchen.

Yeah, that one's-a good.

Start on these.

Hey, don't run
with the knife.

Ah, stupid pig.

And I'll-a pay you top dollar
for any more truffles you find.

And whenever you eat here,
you get the best table.

Not one that goes
a-tikit-a-tikit-a-tikit-a.

Very nice.

The view was better
inside the sack.

You are one tough cookie.

I tell you what, I'll let you pick
which body part I cut off first.

Fine.
I choose my love handles.

What?
Then my arm wattles, my cankles,

and finish off
with my excess back fat.

You do not register
the level of fear,

say, Louie here would.

Yeah-- show some respect
for the process.

You asked what I wanted cut
off, and I want lipo.

Lots of lipo.

Or are you not a man
of your word?

I like you.

I don't know whether to knock
you on your kisser

or kiss you on your knockers.

I don't know whether to peck you on
the kisser, or kiss you on the...

You shall have your lipo.

Call our doctor friend
who owes us a favor.

Actually, we owe him a favor.

Do him two favors, then remind
him that he owes us a favor.

Tony, the surgery was
a complete success,

so can I take your cousin,
the "anesthesiologist"

off the payroll?

You certainly may.

Now where is my Selma?

Here's the part
that's not in the trash.

Ooh.

Boys, I'd like a little
privacy with Selma.

Why don't you take
the doctor out back?

Should we take care of him,
or "take care of him"?

Take care of him.

I don't know
what that meant.

Was it the first one
or the second one?

I can't ask him, otherwise
he's gonna "take care of me."

Now to take care of you.

Take care of me or
"take care of me"?

The one that's this one.

Selma, I just can't get
over the new you.

The world's a different place
when you've got a waist.

The clerk in the electronics
store asked me if I needed help.

Oh.

Well, well, well,
if it isn't

"before" and "after."

Blob and Blob Lite.

Tweedle Yuck
and Tweedle Blecch.

I hope I'm not
interrupting.

Um, Fat Tony.

I was just complimenting
your beautiful girlfriend,

while insulting
her hideous twin.

I'm sorry, Fat Tony.

My husband doesn't
realize what he's saying,

then, five seconds
later...

Oh, my God.

All will be
forgiven.

If you sketch a portrait of
Patty showing her inner beauty.

You are cruel
but fair.

I'm trying.

I swear I'm trying.

Damn it.

I love it here.

The way the sun goes down
like a crooked boxer.

Selma, in this
matto, svitato world,

you've got to hold on
to the good things.

Whoa.

Sounds like someone's
gonna propose here.

Shut up. You're
spoilin' the mood.

This is how I always
pictured this moment.

Ah.

Selma, will you share
my life with me?

Oh Tony, if there were an
Italian word for "yes,"

I'd be saying it right now.

♪ Con te partiro ♪

♪ Paesi che non ho mai ♪

♪ Veduto e vissuto con te... ♪

How many truffles
did you get?

More than I can count.

Brown gold. Tuscan tea.

Just think of what we can
do with that moolah.

Hm, I can't find my car.

No!

Bart, I am putting this
money safely in the bank

where you will earn zero point
zero zero one percent interest.

That's a lot of zeros.

You know, all this
truffle hunting

has made me a little thirsty.

Can we go home now?

Three more big ones
and we'll talk.

How big?
As big as a baby's head.

Okay.
That baby's head.

That tick sure done swelled
you up, Normalhead Joe.

Oh, man.

Vi dichiaro marito e
presunta moglie.

You may now kiss one another.

Yes! I am so happy
I lived to see this day.

He did give her
the kiss of death, right?

No!

Oh, I decorated her
car for nothing.

Excuse me.

We can't find
our seats.

Marge and Homer Simpson.

Oh yes, you're at table 46.

Hmm?

Right this way.

There must be
some mistake.

Oh, it's no mistake.

That table is Tony
and his friends.

This table is the DMV.

This one, Legitimate
Businessmen of Shelbyville,

FBI,

children's table,
gifts,

then you.

And how do you
know the bride?

I'm her sister.
And you?

I bought her ping-pong
table on Craig's List.

Color yourself slighted.

♪ ♪

So, how's your Tiramisu?

We haven't even gotten
our salads yet.

So, who wants a picture
with the happy couple?

Why did you seat
us in Siberia?

Because somebody's
husband has a reputation

for embarrassing himself
in public situations.

He's on his
best behavior,

which is very impressive considering
he's mad about a sports result.

Lousy St. Louis Cardinals.

Can't win the 1985 World
Series on Classic Sports.

Smile for the camera.

I was never sure
about this marriage.

With that attitude,

don't bother coming
to the brunch tomorrow.

We're throwing
the brunch!

Man, that photographer
got everything.

I still can't believe it.

I have never been so snubbed
at one of Selma's weddings.

Fat Tony!
Are you going to cut my head off

and leave it in a manger scene
at Christmas,

and then an old Italian nun
finds it?

And she's all,
"Oh, no, no, no!

"Oh, no, no!

He's too beautiful
to die!"

Homer, to restore
the sisterical bond,

you and Marge are invited
to spend the weekend

with us at our house
down the shore.

Mmm.

So should I bring a towel?

We have towels.

Um,
I take a special size.

Come on, Bart. We've
been out here for hours.

Maybe we've found
all the truffles.

The only thing
I've dug up

was these
weird-looking mushrooms.

I'll dispose
of those for you.

Koyaanisqatsi,
you're about to get watched.

Listen, why don't we just
stop this and divide the money?

The money?
No, no, no, no, no, no.

The money is working for us.

What's not working
is your stupid sense of smell.

All I smell here
is desperation.

Ooh. Commentary by Philip Glass.

Huh?

No more distractions.

Find those truffles.
Mush!

If you think that makes me
a better musher, you're wrong.

Wait a second.

Huh?

This is our house.

There's nothing buried here
but hopes and dreams.

The truffle's
right over here.

The truffle's
in your room?

I thought you'd
been selling them.

Bart, I haven't
been selling the truffles.

I've been eating them.

Really? Why?

Vegetarian food
is so boring.

Pasta, soy.

You know what's
a bad pizza topping?

Broccoli!

But I worked so hard.

I've got dirt under my
fingernails I'll never get out.

Not that I'm going to try.

I'm sorry, Bart.

Take the last truffle.
Do whatever you want.

Sell it, eat it.

Or give it to someone
who deserves it.

You spent your life
searching for these,

but you never had one.

Well, this is yours.

Bart, you've done a
truly kind thing.

Aah! Hey!

Oh, so that's why they
don't give pigs truffles.

I don't think this
is a good idea at all.

The only husband of Selma's
I liked was Disco Stu.

He was so upbeat--

till he found out
she didn't care for disco.

Yeah, that's his thing.

Anyway, Fat Tony and I
think this is a chance

to patch things up
between you and Selma.

Plus, it's a free
weekend at the beach.

Hey, Louie.
Don't ask me why,

but I got a funny feeling
about the new guy.

Uh, let's brag
about our crimes.

You first.

Homer, Marge.

Come meet the family.

These are my nephews,

Stevie B., Stevie F.
and Vincent.

Yeah, but you can call us
S-Money, Jell-O Shot

and The Occurrence.

I will.

This is my niece, Tushie.

She's got two semesters
under her belt

in Contemporary
Italian-American Design

from Sandy Hook
Vocational Institute.

Ah, shut your
face, Uncle Tone.

God, you two
are super pale.

But not to worry--

every light in the house
is a tanning light.

Ooh.

Can you read by it?

No one's ever tried.

Yeah!

These people are always grinding
against each other,

and I think they're all related.

I wish we'd never come.

Selma?!

Va-va-va... wha...?!

Why can't you
support my marriage?

You've never
supported mine.

You married a pig.

Well, you married someone
whose first name is Fat.

I'm late for my
mani-pedi-spray-tan.

Ah, yeah!

Huh?

Yeah!

Boo-freaking-ya!
Losers chug!

Well, if you insist.

Chug! Chug! Chug!

Chug! Chug! Chug!

Ooh, yeah.

Mind if I join you?

Look at our men, Marge.

They're having a great time.

You are such a
gentle kisser.

You were kind of all over the place.
Ooh!

Maybe I've been
mean to Homer

because I was jealous
of your happiness.

Now that I'm
truly happy,

maybe all four of us
can start over.

Hmm.

♪ Tell me,
when will you be mine? ♪

♪ Tell me, quando,
quando, quando? ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

The boys needed to breathe.

Wouldn't they be girls?

Mine are boys.

Hmm.

Which is
our room again?

You know-- it had that painting

of that lady and the monster
on the ceiling.

That was a mirror.

Looking good, boss.

Yeah, you look
like Johnnie Handsome

before we shot him
in the face.

Hey, I got to look
good for my goomar.

Goomar?

That's mob talk for "mistress."

Fat Tony has a mistress.

He's cheating on Selma?
That's crazy.

Why go out for
a hamburger

when you got rancid
steak at home?

Uh, I'll just sit here quietly.

Sorry.

How could Tony
cheat on me so soon?

You know, Selma,
from what I've seen here,

Fat Tony has a lot
of bad influences on him.

I walked
through a door last night,

and they were playing cards...

for real money.

Well, Homer and I are going
to take you away right now.

Oh, can't we stay one more day?

The Occurrence and I are going
to the tanning salon

and get oiled and broiled.

Sorry, The Occurrence,
but to use your lingo,

Homer and I have
to be "that guy."

Whoa!
You don't want to be that guy.

I don't want to
be that guy,

but Marge is making
me be that guy.

Enough!

Homer, good morning.

May I interest you
in a pool noodle?

We also got pool ziti,
pool fusilli--

or if you don't like those,
Mama will make you one special.

Mother Mary herself
couldn't make

a noodle big enough
to float this one.

In nomine patris et filli...

Tony, we have to leave.

For the record,
I want to emphasize

we're not leaving because
today is "cleanup."

Leave? Why?

Because you have a girlfriend!

Oh.

It is true,
but it is not what you think.

Where is she?
Where is this other woman?

You're the goomar?

I'm Fat Tony's wife.

You're the goomar.

You're nuts.

And I've got the
ring to prove it.

That's a goomar ring.

This is a wife ring.

That's a wife ring?

Marge, don't look.

This doesn't
make any sense.

There was a wedding.

You exchanged vows.

I can explain.

If you spoke Italian,
which I knew you did not,

you would have known that those
were goomar-goombah vows.

Marge, if I ever tell you
I want to get married again,

I want you to stick
your thumbs into my eyes.

Yeah, we can show you
how to do it.

The trick is, you don't stop
till you hear a pop.

You missed my first open house
as a licensed real estate broker

for this brutta puttana?

I've hit on
enough pizza boys

to know what
that means.

Then, bring it on,
sister!

You were right, Marge.

These people
are not for us.

In a good marriage,
you never say, "I told you so."

Which is lucky for me,
because you're always right.

Oh.

Mmm.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

Shh!