The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 22, Episode 18 - The Great Simpsina - full transcript

The family is greeted by folk singer Ewell Freestone when they visit a peach farm, but when Marge goes overboard with peach-inspired dishes, Lisa and Bart try to get rid of the unwanted ...

Oh, man, I can't
believe we have

to pick the peaches
ourselves.

This activity is so lame I'm
gonna daydream about school.

Damn it, a pop quiz!

Aw, come on, Bart, it's fun!

Well, that was kind of the same
as the first time.

Oh! Why did I suggest this?

Peach pickin' ain't so bad,
long as you got

a song to take
your mind off it.

Ooh, authentic
American folk music,

just like they play on NPR!



I'm afraid the only "NPR"

we know down here is
National Public Radio.

♪ Oh, the year's first peach is
a juicy peach ♪

♪ And he sings a happy tune ♪

♪ And the year's second
peach is a grouchy peach ♪

♪ More like a prune ♪

♪ Now, the year's
third peach is a... ♪

How many verses does
this song have?

I ain't never run out!

♪ Now, the year's third peach is
God-fearin' peach ♪

♪ Does what
the good book tells him ♪

♪ And the year's fourth peach is
a moldy peach ♪

♪ Shame on the man
that sells him ♪

♪ Now the year's fifth peach is
a fuzzy peach ♪



♪ Its kisses are
quite ticklish... ♪

Not bad.

Marge, how much do they pay us
for doing this?

Actually, we pay them for each
peach we take home.

What the...?

First I work, then I pay,
then I have to eat fruit?!

Why was I ever born?!

Ha-ha!

Okay, we've got peach bruschetta
on peach toast,

peach-aroni peach-za

and my famous BLTs--
or should I say, PPPs?

Come on, people, peaches!

Uh, honey, on a non-stone
fruit-related topic,

I booked us a
couples massage.

Ooh... couples!

That way I can enjoy
my massage,

and make sure you don't enjoy
yours too much.

Initiate phase two.

I forget what phase two is,

but I'll assume we just dump
the peaches like we discussed.

Affirmative.

I'll assume that means "yes."

Roger.

The name's Bart.

Oh... mmm...

When we get home,
the peaches will be gone.

What?! What?!
What will eat?!

Oh... Oh!

Oh, screw it.

the half-doctors/half-hookers

who solve everything.

Oh! What idiot put the dump so
far away from where people live?

Aw, man!

The Horticulture Society is
having its Chinese Lantern party

and we've got nothing to huck!

Gentlemen, I think I have
the solution to your problem.

Where am I?
This neighborhood is starting

to look a little bit like
Sesame Street!

Wonder who's in there.

Could it be Oscar the...

Huh?

What the...?

Is somebody in here?

Help! I'm trapped in
an alternate dimension--

an existential
nether space! I...

Hey, how ya doin'?

All right, who sent you--
Marvin The Magician?

Oswald of the Occult?

Citywide Mortgage?

I worked everything out
with Nina.

No one sent me.

I just knocked on the
door and it opened.

Uh, how'd I get from inside
there to over here?

Because this
is a house of magic.

Sounds like most of the house is
still owned by the bank.

But the rest of it is magic.
Ooh...

How did you do all that?

Permit me
to introduce myself.

I am...
the Great Raymondo!

I was once the most famous
illusionist in the world,

performing for pashas
and potentates,

Grand Dukes
and Grande Dames...

Who wants to hear
an old man go on

about bygone wonders?

I do, I do!

Very well.

But first, you should
call your parents.

I got this phone
for subscribing

to Psychic Monthly,

and then I cancelled
the subscription.

They never saw it coming.

Meet Ali Rudy Vallée,
my musical automaton.

He can play all the top hits.

♪ Boop boop, dit-tem dat-tem,
what-tem chu! ♪

♪ Boop boop, dit-tem dat-tem ♪

♪ What-tem chu... ♪

Now, here's the infamous
"miroir noir."

Gaze into it and learn
how you will die.

It's made
for the American market.

And here, my dear, is
my most celebrated illusion:

the Great
Milk Can Escape,

handed down to me
by Houdini himself.

Looks like there was magic
between you two.

The lady in question is
my late wife Esther.

She was
the only other soul

who knew the secret
of my greatest trick.

Now I'm alone with my memories
and my medical marijuana.

Would you...
be interested in teaching me?

A girl illusionist?!

Ladies are what you saw
in half and throw knives at.

They never wear the hat.

What if you just
taught me one trick?

Fine.
These are the Rings of Fate.

Come back in a week with
these rings linked together,

and maybe I'll--
Say, you did it already?!

Well, I guess
I can teach a girl.

Blackstone taught
a monkey.

I'm not exactly flattered
by that.

You should be.

That monkey wound up
with 18 car dealerships.

If you bought a family car
in the St. Louis area,

you bought it
from the mighty Chimpopo.

Huh.

Now, I'll start you off
with a little coin work.

Ooh!

And George Washington took
a trip down the...

Ear-y Canal!

My ear makes money?

Hello, boat store?

I'd like to order a boat.

What do you mean, dial tone?

Where'd you learn that trick,
in the Army?

From the Great Raymondo.

Ooh! He is great.

In '57, I saw him turn the
Secretary of Agriculture

into the Secretary
of the Interior!

It was hell on their wives,

but it sure brought down
corn prices.

Built a house outta corn.

Worst house I ever owned!

When it got real hot,
it smelled like Fritos.

Lisa can't be a magician!

That's my thing!
I'm the one that got

a magic set for Christmas
two years ago.

You never even opened it.

Need some help?

Kid scissors-- lame.

Ooh!

Let's see what else you've been
hiding in there.

I want my pot of gold!

Ay... ca...ram... ba!

I forgot
why I'm doing this.

Raymondo! I mastered
the slide pass

and I've almost mastered
the Denver slide pass.

And why is there always a
"Denver" version of things?

I'm sorry, Lisa.

I'm upset.

Bumped-off-the-
Mike-Douglas-show upset!

Oh. What's wrong?

'Sup, brahs?

It's me, Cregg Demon.

Who's ready to get
their magic on?!

Okay, for my first chillusion,

I'm gonna descend into hell
and pull up a skank.

Hi. Now, we've never
met before, correct?

That's right,
Cregg Demon.

Well, I don't need
your number, sweetie...

because it's tattooed
on my ass!

Yeah, it's on everyone's ass!
Yeah!

Eh! Disgraceful.

Any idiot with a soul patch

and a deck of cards
thinks he's a magician.

Magic is about
mystery, illusion,

pulling rabbits out of hats!

Presto! Oh...

Ew.

feed your props.

♪ Old black magic has me in
its spell ♪

♪ Old black magic
that you weave so well ♪

♪ Those icy fingers up
and down my spine ♪

♪ The same old witchcraft
when your eyes meet mine ♪

♪ Same old tingle
that I feel inside ♪

♪ And then that elevator
starts its rise ♪

♪ Down and down I go ♪

♪ Round and around I go ♪

♪ Like a leaf caught in a tide ♪

♪ I should stay away,
but what can I do? I hear... ♪

Lisa! Lisa!

If you wanna do some real magic,

find me a boyfriend that don't
get all religious on me.

No!

Huh?

Oh...

Raymondo's greatest secret!

No, I shouldn't. I won't.

I guess I can
trust you, Lisa Simpson.

I am going to teach you
the Great Milk Can Escape.

You are?

Why?

If magic is not
passed on, it dies.

The only magic we couldn't make
was a child.

Now the first thing you must do
is make me a vodka tonic.

You're out of tonic.

That won't be a problem.

Students, teachers,
detentionees,

prepare to have everything
you believe

about milk cans challenged!

Willie, if you will?

God, if you don't
bring my Lisa back safe,

ants will burn tonight.

I believe the expression
is ♪ ta-da! ♪

I don't know what to think
about milk cans anymore.

That was amazing.

I can see why they call you
The Great Simpsina.

My friends
call me Lisa.

She has no
friends.

Shut up!

Now, where were we?

I got to admit,

I was pretty nervous
when you were in that milk can.

Oh, it's a lot less
dangerous than you think.

You can see me do it again
in a talent show next week.

I'd like to come.

But only if I was sure

you wouldn't get hurt.

There's no chance
whatsoever.

I'll show you.

You don't open the top;
the locks are real.

The can is in two halves,
and they slide apart.

From inside, you
just push up.

Easy peasy.

And there's no way anyone
can figure out how it's done.

Well, I can think of one way.

You trick a dorky little girl
into telling you!

Yo, Dad!

It's a three-quarter

flange-less friction slide.

What about the locks
on the lid?

Shmuck-bait.

Sweet, sweet!

Oh, and the next time
it's my weekend with you,

I promise there will be
no chicks over.

Just you, me, the komodo dragon
and Ben Roethlisberger.

Hell to the yes!

'Sup, magicfreeks.
Last night, for serious,

I got haunted by a straight-up,
see-through ghost.

It was Harry H-Dog Houdini, yo!

Now, after calling me
"the new him"-- his words--

he told me the secret
to his Milk Can Escape.

Yeah.

I will perform this trick

at the upcoming
world magic championships!

I recommend parking in the mall

and taking the shuttle, yo!

Raymondo, I
am so sorry.

I got rolled
by a pro.

Do you know
what it's like to be

the kind of girl
that boys never talk to,

and then, suddenly,
a boy talks to you?

Get out.

Haven't you ever been
fooled by a pretty face?

Just once.

I trusted you.

Oh, you think I'm pretty?

Get out!

D'oh!

Lisa, don't feel bad.

Judas betrayed Jesus,
but he still got paid.

Oh, no...

I can't stand to see one of
my female children unhappy!

I'm gonna go pound some sense

into that ring-linking
rabbit-yanker.

Hey, let me down!

This is gonna leave
a diamond pattern on my skin!

Imagine if your greatest secret
was given to your worst enemy.

A peanut butter
and pretzel sandwich?

Mmm!

There's no way
a stupid Flanders like me

could ever have
thought of this.

Okay, maybe secrets
are a big deal,

but my daughter's
a good kid.

So why don't you act your age,
forgive her and let me down!

Hey, kid, nobody likes
a gloomy magician.

Except, of course,
Gloomo the Magnificent.

Raymondo, you forgive me!

Not so fast.

But still,
there is hope.

Lisa, we've all done
things we're ashamed of.

I briefly became
a disco magician.

Have you ever tried to put
a leisure suit on a bird?

You get his pants on,
he pulls his coat off,

and on it goes.

But now I need your help
to stop Cregg Demon.

All right, I want
close-up magicians on the left,

illusionists on the right,

and mentalists-- well, I don't
need to tell you.

Ah, come on, Lou, I need backup.

Wish I could help, Chief.

I'll take the box that
doesn't talk back.

Yeah, that's just
what you need, Chief,

another stomach.
Shut up.

♪ My milk shake brings
all the boys to e yard ♪

♪ And they're like,
it's better than yours ♪

♪ I could teach you,
but I have to charge ♪

Yeah!

♪ And they're like,
it's better than yours ♪

Ha, yeah!

Yeah!

'Sup!

Hope you're watching up there,
Houdini-Bro.

I did your great-grand-niece.

♪ ...Go crazy for ♪

♪ They lose their minds ♪

♪ The way I wind,
I think it's time ♪

♪ La-la, la-la, la ♪

Magicfreek! Magicfreek!

It's too late;
we can't stop him.

Something's wrong.

The trick isn't working.

Dad, don't die!

I'll get him out!

No.

We must not interfere.

You're just gonna
stand there?

No. With my back,
I got to sit.

Help!

Ah.

Aw, I can't stand you
looking at me that way.

That's better.

Help me!
He's going to die!

Lisa, magicians hate
to be rescued.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to go to
the little magicians' room.

I guess it's up to me to save
you, Cregg Demon Magicfreek.

You ain't saving nobody
demon nothing freek!

Ricky Jay?

David Copperfield?

Penn?

Teller!

We switched the trick milk
can with a regular milk can.

But why?

Because, when he...

Quiet!

You talk onstage,
I talk offstage.

That was the curse
the witch put on us.

He stole all
our best tricks.

And he stole
my sexiest magical gestures.

Like this one-- ah.

Aw...

Wait, I know
he's an unethical magician,

and his tattoos are
an inconsistent mix

of hieroglyphics and cuneiforms,
but he doesn't deserve to die.

We ain't
asking, kid.

Get her!

Penn, just drop them!

I can't!

I never learned how!

I'll save you, Lisa!

The real magic is raising
three kids in this economy!

You can put the ball back now.

Hands off my apprentice,
amateurs!

Raymondo?

I thought I killed you
in Marrakesh.

That was my twin brother.

Ruined a lot of my tricks.

We might as well
finish the job now.

To show you we mean business,

I'm unbuttoning my shirt
and turning on a fan.

Wah. Oh, yeah.

It's magical.

I'm just an old man.

How could I ever hope
to fight you all?

Except... with this!

My beautiful body,
no longer properly lit.

My ponytail's been burned!

Teller, the witch's curse
is broken!

Penn, there never
was a curse.

You're a real jerk,
you know that?

Raymondo, I knew your
heart was as pure

as the ether
that helps you get to sleep.

Raymondo?

I believe the expression
is ♪ ta-da! ♪

Hey, whassup?

Let's go home, Dad.

I'm through
with magic, son.

I'm gonna move back to Canada
and run for Parliament.

And here you go.

"Do not give your coat to..."

Damn it!

So that's why

Lisa excused herself
a few minutes ago.

Now, once again,

one of the most promising young
magicians I have ever seen:

the Great Simpsina!

Knock 'em dead, kid.

I'll be in my
dressing room.

Tell me if she falls.

Abraca-Milhouse!

Hello, Harvey.

I've probably
had enough.

Eh, a little more
couldn't hurt.

♪ And the year's fourth peach
is a moldy peach ♪

♪ Shame on the man
that sells him ♪

♪ Now, the year's fifth peach
is a fuzzy peach ♪

♪ Its kisses are
quite ticklish ♪

♪ And the year's sixth peach
is a briny peach ♪

♪ It tastes so fine
and picklish ♪

♪ And the year's seventh peach
is a learned peach ♪

♪ It's working on a novel ♪

♪ But the year's eighth peach
is a real proud peach ♪

♪ You'll never see it grovel ♪

♪ Oh, the year's ninth peach
is a tough old peach ♪

♪ But he'll make a hearty stew ♪

♪ And the year's tenth peach
is a rotten peach ♪

♪ Take a whiff, p-u ♪

♪ Now the... ♪

Shh.

You shush yourself.