The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 21, Episode 9 - Thursdays with Abie - full transcript
Homer becomes jealous when a syndicated newspaper columnist begins publishing Grandpa's stories, while Bart is assigned to take care of the class's stuffed sheep for the weekend.
Hello and welcome to the second part
of the Top Gear Christmas Special,
the part where...
it all goes wrong.
As you probably saw
in the first programme, we were doing
an homage to the V8, driving
all the way across Patagonia,
from the town of Bariloche here,
on our way to Ushuaia
in Tierra del Fuego.
Now Ushuaia is the city from which
the battleship Belgrano sailed
on its final voyage at
the beginning of the Falklands War,
and as a result of that,
the British are not...
overly popular down there.
In a bid to build bridges,
we were planning to build a stadium
when we got there, and play
an Argentinian team at car football.
However, there was a problem.
Someone on an Argentinian website
noticed that the car I was driving
sported the number plate H982 FKL
and they wondered if
perhaps this was a reference
to the 1982 Falklands War.
Now we'd been made aware of
the issue shortly after we arrived
in Argentina but there was
nothing really we could do.
I mean, you can't just change
a car's number plates.
We did, however, develop a plan
that would solve the issue
when we arrived in Ushuaia.
Unfortunately, as you will
see at the end of what follows,
we were never given the chance.
1,600 miles...
in a Lotus?
Petrified forests, mysterious lakes.
This is all very odd.
Not looking, not looking,
not looking, not looking.
Ow!
Oh.
I think Hammond
really loves that Mustang.
Ow!
I've lost another gear.
It's your route, it's your route.
This road, it's killing the car!
The dashboard is a Christmas tree
and the car has stopped.
It's dead. The Porsche is dead.
It's all very well being rude
about the people of Norfolk
but so far they seem to
have built the best car.
If you'll say, "Jeremy, your car is
not boring," I will give you a tow.
I know who it is.
That's their idea of
a comedy back-up car.
I couldn't do that. Could you
do that? How can they do that?
Stop doing Butch Cassidy things,
please. Not now.
Why have you fitted my car with
a brake light on the dashboard?
Every bone in their crotches.
That's what I'm going to break.
We began day six in Argentina
on yet another
one of Patagonia's
endless gravel roads.
70 miles now and I haven't seen
a corner or another car.
70 miles.
Mustang country.
As this was quite monotonous, I
decided we should do some cornering.
So I hatched a plan.
You know what this is, don't you?
Dried-up lakebed. Yeah, it is.
It WAS a dried-up lakebed.
I see it now as a racetrack.
Yeah.
We could replicate any track
in the world here, and we shall.
'I therefore decided to make
a carbon copy
'of our favourite circuit,
'Imola.'
So here we go - this is
the Tamburello I'm making, here.
It's a long, sweeping left-hander.
Through the "S"s, like so.
Lovely job.
That's a lovely corner, there.
I've just made a lovely corner.
Right, good.
The track is made.
'I must confess, the finished
product looked more like a placenta
'than Imola, but we were all
looking forward to staging
'the inaugural V8 desert marathon.'
I'm going to turn petrol
into dust and noise.
In three... How many laps?
Oh. 50? Many.
Let's do 100.
In three, two, one.
Hit it.
Short shifting into second.
And into third, and already my lead
is commanding and excellent.
You BLEEP!
They think you're all boring.
Whoa, you're not boring now!
Oh, ho, ho, ho!
Oh, I'm on the inside of James, here.
Sod it. Ah!
Hammond is going like a crazy man.
Go on, Stang, go on, fella.
Whoo-hoo, that was a... Ah!
That way's... Oh, no -
I've gone wrong!
Heroic manoeuvre
from the mighty Mustang.
That is James May coming through.
Argh! Damn and blast!
Got him.
Oh, no!
'In the next half hour,
there were more overtaking moves
'than you get in a whole
season of Formula 1.
'It was brilliant.'
Hammond and I are...
Yes, we are side by side.
The most almighty battle.
Like gladiators, but a bit fatter.
Oh, really wide.
Yep, that is a Lotus Esprit -
famed throughout the world
for being one of
the most unreliable cars ever made.
And look at it.
Oh, nicely done.
I can't see anything. Wah!
This is an endurance race.
That's what you need to remember.
because the Mustang will break.
'And sure enough...'
Ooh, that was a...!
Argh! Argh!
'I called a halt before
anything else went wrong.
'But it already had.'
Oh, my God.
Things you want in your carburettor -
fuel, air and that's it.
You don't want rocks.
Well, it was definitely
time to stop.
Yeah. Draw, shall we call it a draw?
Yes. We can call it a draw. Yes.
Do you remember where the road was?
Which side did we come onto
the lake? That side, I think.
No, we didn't. We came from
that side. No, we didn't.
We had the hills to our right,
so I still think it's over there.
Well, we didn't drive over this
stuff to get to the lake, did we?
Yeah, but we could have been round
it. I think we came in from there.
'Unable to agree,
I put myself in charge
'and told the others to follow.'
I'm telling you, it's back that way.
I know he's got the most brilliant
sense of direction in the world...
This was a mistake.
Very soft there, very soft there,
keep going, keep going, very soft.
Oooh!
Ooh.
Here goes nothing.
Wouldn't ordinarily
do this with a 928, but...
I've never felt
more hopelessly lost.
'After many hours,
we did find the road,
'but our path to it was
blocked by a locked gate.'
That fence goes on forever.
Well, just knock it over.
What do you mean, knock it over?
I'll use my Mustang, I'll just drive
at the fence and flatten it...
What, and then leave the owner
a note? Yes.
And a few dollar...
I mean it's a bit of fence,
he could put that back up.
Hammond, what will the note say?
"Sorry we broke your fence
and let all your animals escape,
"and, by the way,
the Falklands are British."
We're supposed to be mending fences,
not knocking them down.
Oh, he's got his map.
Oh, good. We're saved!
Right, look.
We were coming... We are... We went
into this desert to do the racing.
So we've come off the road
somewhere here. Mm.
It can't be more
than 20k to Tres Lagos. Mm-hm.
And get some bolt cutters.
20k? Mm-hm. 12 miles.
We could walk it. We could walk that.
I can't walk 12 miles.
What else do you suggest?
No. No. No. No. No. No. No.
It's minus-one.
I am allergic to walking.
Just... no.
I know those horses we rode
in Burma, they were like Caterhams.
These are like Ford Granadas.
How do you know?
Cos they look like Ford Granadas.
They don't. They do. Just get on.
Hello, horse. Hola.
Hello, horse.
I shall call you Burger.
Oh, that's not gone well. Oh, BLEEP.
That's not gone well.
You all right, mate? You all right?
Stay still, stay still.
You all right? You all right?
Just stay still, stay still,
stay still. You're just winded.
I guess we're walking, then.
'Leaving James in the hands
of our doctor,
'Hammond and I set off
on the long walk into town,
'which gave us time to
chat about many things.'
And it did the weirdest thing.
It looked up and I thought, "Oh, it's
going to go mental and run away."
It walks towards the peacock,
so it was interested.
See, I hate both...
They live on a diet of meat
and nothing else. Yeah. Yeah.
Which must ruin their colons.
And if you then spend 12 hours
in the saddle, hammering it flat,
it'll be like trying
to pass a dustbin lid.
No, cos I think that's really weird,
that snails give trout piles.
In town we found a shop
and bought the bolt cutters.
And when we returned, we discovered
that James had cracked three ribs
and completely lost
his sense of humour.
What the hell was Clarkson thinking
of, even suggesting...?
What was I thinking of,
listening to him?
Horses are a part
of the countryside.
The countryside is for driving
through and looking at. That is...
Ah! God!
'Happily, Clarkson
soon got a bit of payback.'
Oh, for BLEEP sake.
I am out of fuel.
What a rotten bit of luck.
Oh.
No, it isn't fuel.
It's not turning over.
Oil pressure light, anything?
I think it could be
alternator-related.
It's been a long day today.
Sorry for being boring, viewers, and
having a car that works perfectly.
Lovely evening.
There's the problem.
That WAS the alternator belt.
'With night falling,
I was back on the road,
'but not out of trouble.'
Sit rep.
I didn't have a spare
alternator belt,
so I put a new battery in the boot,
which now isn't being charged,
which means I can't run with
any electrical equipment on -
no lights, no heater, nothing.
'50 miles from the overnight holt,
'I caught up with
one of my colleagues,
'but he wasn't much help.'
Hammond, is that the full
range of your lights?
Yeah, that's it,
that's all I got. Just one.
I have literally nothing at all,
nothing.
Oh, bollocks, THAT'S still working.
Yeah, the one thing I don't want
is your joke brake light.
Sorry, is that less than funny now?
'Hammond offered to ride shotgun
so we could share his headlight.'
If you can get your nose
slightly in front of my nose...
Absolutely no difference at all.
'And then night fell completely.'
It's bloody dangerous, this.
Bloody dangerous.
It's about 30k to where
we've got to end up tonight.
I don't know if there's 30k in
that battery in Jeremy's car.
Almost certainly not.
That is concentration now.
I'm tired now, I'm really tired.
And scared.
Oh, BLEEP!
Oh, I never saw that coming.
Ten miles to the hotel.
'By using "the Force",
I made it in one piece,
'and the next morning, after
James had leapt into his Lotus...'
Ah!
'..we hit the road.'
Couldn't mend my car
last night because, well,
we couldn't get an alternator
belt in this town, amazingly.
And the dashboard is unmendable.
So I just fiddled with
Hammond's car instead.
It was more fun, I thought.
Oh!
Have you wired my brake pedal
to my air horn?
Yes, I have.
Have you also taken the time to
put the air horn inside the car?
Yes, I did.
Ow! Oh, God!
'Meanwhile,
in Frankie Dettori's car...'
Oh, BLEEP, ah!
BLEEP hell! Sorry, viewers.
Hammond? Yes?
We're staying tonight
at a town called...
I think it's called Calafate,
something like that.
Apparently there's a freestyle
trampoline competition going on,
£100 first prize.
Oh, well, I think we're signed up.
We're also signed up for
the piggyback race. Excellent.
'Soon we started to get a bit
distracted by the backdrop.'
Bloody Nora, look at that!
What's that all about?
'We had to stop and take a moment.'
Look at that. I mean, look at it.
That really is actually
a spectacular view. It is.
That's one of the best, actually.
That is a film set.
Those mountains, they must be... I've
never heard of them, but they're...
Well, it's the Andes.
What? Could you just take a quick
picture and then show it to me?
It's easier. Oh, no,
my phone's flat. Hop out.
We'll help you. Even at the best of
times, that's an idiotic expression.
Nobody hops out of a car.
Jump out. Nobody jumps out of a car,
nobody hovers, nobody leaps out.
He's quite grumpy. Nobody pops.
Back pain does that to people.
It does.
It puts them in a bad mood. It does.
'Back on the road, I started to
think about the football stadium
'we'd have to build
at journey's end.'
Um, I've had a thought.
What?
Builders don't turn up in Porsches
or Lotuses or Ford Mustangs.
At some point, we're
going to have to make our cars
a bit more workman-like.
I get you. OK.
'And so, that afternoon,
'after a wonderful drive on glorious
roads, we reached El Calafate.'
Oh, sorry. They've wired it up.
'And there we found what we needed.'
Looks like a workshop.
We can use that.
We can do work.
It doesn't work.
Er...
"Largos."
"Gruesos."
24 hours later,
our modifications were complete.
At the front, I have mended
the alternator belt
and fitted these stripes
so May and Hammond
stop calling me a businessman.
At the back,
I've been a little more radical.
I have converted my 928
into... "an" pick-up truck.
Ooh!
What on earth is this all for?
Lights. Well, I had a problem with
my lights - I have addressed that.
Why, in such an enormous car,
have you fitted
the roll cage on the outside?
Yeah, the exoskeleton.
Because, well, it leaves more
room inside, doesn't it?
What you've done is you've
made your already very big car
even bigger, and you've fitted the
spoiler... Yep... from the back...
Yeah. Still got the spoiler on it.
Have you had this in a wind tunnel?
Not yet, no.
And then...
Oh, my word! I know!
It's the most logical thing
in the world, really,
if you think about it.
Mustang. Pick-up.
'Hammond and I had also
raised our cars' ride height,
'which is more than James had done.'
Oh, look, here he comes.
Er...
Um... What... What HAS he done?
It's, um...
He hasn't done anything.
We can speed this up
in the edit, can't we?
We'll walk slowly
and then we can speed this up.
Hi, James.
Right, and back to normal speed now.
What have you been doing?
Well, I've largely been having
hot and cold baths
to ease my aching bones.
James. Yeah?
We've made pick-up trucks.
You've done absolutely nothing.
How are you going to carry any of
the supplies and the tools we need?
Aha.
Aha what?
This is brilliant.
Oh, I see!
What, behind this? Seriously?
Behold. Towbar, yeah, I see,
so this is your trailer.
That's my trailer.
Right, so we're all ready,
and I'm going to be in front
because I have fitted my car
with sat nav. Have you?
None of the dials
will work ever again -
it's a complete electronic
mishmash in there.
Oh, I see!
'As we headed out of town,
'there were a few accidents with
James' trailer.'
This is brilliant.
Now James has a trailer,
we can run into him...
Oi. Not funny. Sorry!
..without damaging his Lotus.
We annoy him,
we don't damage the Lotus. Win-win.
And Hammond's go.
Oh, this is like tennis!
'Out on the highway,
'I discovered that not all of my mods
had worked very well.'
I haven't improved the forwards
visibility so much,
because there's a bar
across my windscreen.
Yeah, that's better.
'My sat nav mod, however,
had worked very well,
'and as a result, I was able to come
up with a time-saving plan.'
OK, we are here.
We've got to go here, Ushuaia -
southernmost city in the world,
and so on, yeah?
Now, this is the road.
Look - it's tarmac, gravel, tarmac,
gravel, ferry, onto Tierra
del Fuego, back into Argentina
and then all the way to there, yeah?
Now, I think we've already proved
the Porsche can handle anything
that Patagonia throws at it.
Wait a minute. We haven't, have we?
I mean, we've proven the opposite.
It's here. It fell apart.
One suspension component failure,
that's it,
which broke the electrics.
So the suspension
and all the electrics failed.
One leg broke. And then
the alternator belt went.
Listen, let's not get bogged down
with whose car's broken down
the most. Now... Cos it's yours.
..since we need to get on
with this... OK, yeah.
..all three of us have got
here. Yes? Yeah. Yes.
All three of us.
And I have a suggestion.
Punta Arenas.
No look, honestly it's brilliant.
You have to use a ferry to get
to Tierra del Fuego, OK?
Cos it's an island. Yes. So I'm
saying we go here. Punta Arenas.
Oh, I see. Yeah?
Get on a ferry there -
it's further on the boat -
and then get to Ushuaia that way.
Ferry. Ferry. Right. Good.
'With the plan agreed,
we soldiered on.'
Go to Punta Arenas, catch boat,
arrive Ushuaia, build a stadium,
play football, do diplomacy.
What can possibly go wrong
with that?
'As it turned out,
absolutely everything.
'But for now, we were heading once
more for Chile and Punta Arenas.
'And, after many miles
of being bounced around,
'the Porsche developed
another fault.'
As you can probably hear,
my sunroof has partially opened
and won't close again!
And because I'm driving into
the wind, it's quite loud in here!
Oh, God. Please!
'Eventually, though, I came up
with an ingenious solution.'
Yes, this has solved the problem.
If you've just joined us...
Oh, I can't explain.
It has slightly
impeded our progress,
if you don't mind me saying.
He is going to be
a little bit surprised,
this chap overtaking our convoy.
But, um... sorry.
'Soon we reached the border post,
where I mended my sunroof
'and Hammond did his thang
with the back of his Mustang.'
'Then, we were back in Chile.'
I've just passed the most
fantastic road sign.
It said Fin del Mundo.
The End of the World.
We're heading for
the end of the world.
'Eventually, our brilliant,
wonderful, magical cars
'reached the port of Punta Arenas,
'and before boarding the ferry
to Tierra del Fuego,
'we decided to buy some things
for our football stadium.'
Pies, beer, goalposts,
corner posts, a trophy.
And we need three or
four former footballers
in a studio
to talk about the football.
'In the town centre,
we split up to do shopping.'
I don't really want to get out
of the car if I can avoid it,
because I've got a bad back.
This looks like the sales assistant.
The man says this isn't real grass,
it's synthetic. You'd never know.
Sorry.
Goal!
Right, what else do I need?
BLEEP.
'Soon our shopping trip
was complete.'
Corner flags, got the box,
cement, hammer, good.
Astroturf, beer, beer, beer.
What is this?
Oh, this? This, gentlemen,
is magnificent. That's what it is.
This is the trophy that will
be presented to the winning team
after our game of football.
It is striking,
and I'm very glad it's the trophy,
because for one second I thought
it was your present to me.
Actually, I have actually
bought you a present.
It's... I know where
we're going is very cold
so you'll need to stay warm,
so I've got you that. Um...
Oh, I say. Oh, thank you very much.
'Richard and I had also
bought James something.'
To remind you of this extraordinary
trip that we have been on.
What?
Oh, seriously, that's...
Cos we know you love horses.
Look at the face on it. Oh,
thanks, lads. I've got a warm glow.
'With the trophy loaded up...'
Oh, yeah. Careful, careful.
'..we headed for the port.'
Right, the ferry.
And what a fine-looking
craft she is.
'As the captain was keen
to catch the tide,
'Clarkson and I boarded quickly.
'However...'
No, he's got...
No, you've blown that before
you've even started, James.
This trailer is really badly
behaved. Why won't it...?
No. Oh, it's a bit...
It's S-ing a bit.
Now, if you caught it now... No.
No.
All these people, lorry drivers...
wondering why there's
a delayed departure.
Yes, yes. Yes. This is it. Yes.
James, take it...
No, slowly, slowly.
James, slowly left hand down,
left hand down.
He's crashed into the boat. Yeah.
'With darkness falling and the tide
all wrong, James finally made it.'
Yeah, you see...
Well done, mate. That was tremendous.
Really, really the best
hour and a half entertainment
I've had in a long time.
You seen that?
That is the southernmost tip
of the American continent.
Right there.
It's a significant spot on the globe,
isn't it, this? It is.
It was not the most
comfortable voyage in history
but we forgot all about that
the next morning, when the sunrise
revealed the spectacular islands
of Tierra del Fuego.
However, there was a problem.
For political reasons,
we can't go to Ushuaia on this boat.
What sort of political reasons?
Well, all these islands
here belong to Chile, OK,
but Argentina think they're theirs.
No! I know!
But anyway, let's not
get bogged down with that.
The captain's very kindly
said he'll drop us here,
and then there's a track - can you
see? Oh, yeah, there it is, look.
That goes down there, to Ushuaia.
'Sadly, for geological reasons, the
ferry couldn't dock at the track.
'So the captain dropped us
off a mile down the beach.'
Here we go.
James May is on Tierra del Fuego.
I claim this land for Norfolk,
and name it Lotus Beach.
Oh, yes!
Yea-eah! We are going to Ushuaia.
Cock.
Er, chaps, the Lotus is
beached on Lotus Beach.
Oh, good, that's a massive hole!
If we take this off and smash it
to pieces, we can use the slats...
Yeah. To make a sort of sand
ladder in front of him to get him up
and out of this. I bought a pickaxe -
it's in there somewhere - which is
excellent. There it is, in fact.
Right, if you do the ropes, ready?
Hang on, hang on.
Hang on, hang on, hang on,
hang on, hang on.
Take it out of the trailer
before you...
No, no - why would I do that?
This is the right height.
Yeah, but you can... Hold on,
hold on... lever it.
That's the wrong tool for the...
Stop. You can lever it.
Still got the plastic protector on
the end of the pickaxe. Oh, yeah.
I'm not... Aha!
You're just breaking the slats up.
Now you can't use it.
If you jam... If you put it on the
ground and jam the prong in there,
you can lever them up
and lever them off. Exactly.
Well, that's it, then - I'm not
helping. I've done all I can do.
THAT isn't going to really help.
'I decided to leave them to it
and go on ahead.'
What an absolute...
Ahh!
Ooh.
Ah!
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
BLEEP.
In three, two, one and go.
And we're through.
'Up ahead, after we'd rounded
an apparently pointless
'wooden fence obstacle,
there was a problem.'
Oh, God, look at it.
Massive boulders.
Won't go over that,
won't go over that.
Cos, Hammond, look down there. Won't
go over that. Look at the next bit.
Won't go over any of that.
'Luckily, the backs of our cars
were full of stuff
'we could use to make progress.'
Ow!
Bit of right.
Quite a lot of right!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. What?
Oh, bloody hell!
Three, two, one, and go.
No, it's not helping at all.
Now left, full left, full left.
Do you mean right?
Full right, sorry.
Lever.
Oh, yes!
'In five hours, we had moved
just 200 yards
'and our cars were taking
such heavy punishment...
That is clutch.
'..that we completely failed
to notice the rising tide.'
Oh, God.
BLEEP. Hammond, go now.
James, get out of the way.
Ooh.
Go round me.
'Up ahead, the beach narrowed
so much
'that soon the tide would
cut us off completely.
'What we needed now, more than ever,
was teamwork.'
I'm sorry,
it's every man for himself now.
The situation is actually
quite perilous.
Come on, Porsche, please,
please, please, please.
Ow, BLEEP!
Oh, for God's sake.
That's punched a hole in the door.
The tide is moving four inches
every ten minutes.
'Meanwhile,
back where Jeremy had left us...'
This is going wear the clutch out
if I'm not careful.
BLEEP! Come on!
Please move, Porsche, please move.
Come on, yes, you brilliant car.
Come on.
Come on, Porsche, come on.
Eh-ya!
Go on.
Oh, God.
Sorry, this is really brutal.
I'm not stopping.
Get bogged down if I stop.
Got a puncture,
I've got a knackered clutch.
'Just in time,
I made it to the pinch point.'
Come on, come on, through the sea.
'And moments later,
I was joined by Hank B Hammond.'
Right, only the Lotus now.
I'll be staggered
if I get through this bit.
Oh, yes!
'Of course, it's traditional
on TV these days
'that everyone always makes it,
'but this is Top Gear,
so we didn't.
'James, therefore, parked his car
above the high water mark,
'locked it, weirdly,
'and we made camp,
which for once wasn't so bad.'
What a view that is.
It's mind-blowing.
It is mind-blowing.
I think we have to all agree that
Tierra del Fuego is THE most
beautiful place in the world.
I'll go with that. Yeah.
I'm happy to accept that.
What are we eating, by the way?
Beaver.
What?
Beaver. There's a plague of them
here, honestly.
Back in '46, Peron introduced
25 pairs of beaver down here.
There are now hundreds of thousands
of them.
Half the riparian forest
around here, half of it,
has gone as a result of beavers.
Cos the beaver here likes hardwood.
And you can eat it?
I'll let you know in a minute.
Mate of mine said he did once.
What, a mate of yours
said he'd eaten beaver?
Yeah, I didn't believe him.
I shall try it.
I'm fairly sure
I don't like beaver, actually.
I mean, I'll eat anything,
as you know.
I'll just warm you
a piece up, Hammond.
'It was a wonderful evening,
'and after the sun went down,
it got even better.'
'The next morning at low tide,
we rescued the Lotus
'and set off on the final leg
of our journey to Ushuaia.
'However, our cars had been
badly bruised by the beach assault
'and there was another issue...'
We've used a lot of the stuff
we bought in Punta Arenas
to build the stadium
to get us off that beach.
That's James May's trailer.
That's all he's got left.
Plank of wood,
wheelbarrow and toy horse.
'Spirits, though, were high
as we reached
'what would be
the final mountain range.
'We could almost smell the victory.'
Well, this is lovely, isn't it?
This is the most scenic bit yet.
'Jeremy and I, however,
'were too busy enjoying ourselves
to notice the view.'
Whoa! There you go. Yeah!
Rally stage.
And stick it into the corner.
Power it round.
Little bit of boot,
full of opposite lock.
Yes, I'm going well.
Oh, hang on.
Whoa!
Whoa! No, no, no, no.
Turns out I'm not good at rallying.
There's evidence to suggest
neither am I.
'Both of us were stuck.
'But luckily we had
the right equipment
'for such a cold-weather emergency.'
The beaver we ate last night,
we made some clothes out of it's...
Out of its fur,
and that's going to be handy now.
Beaver mittens.
You know that carpet
you're carrying? Yeah.
We could use that,
couldn't we, to get going?
It is INCREDIBLY heavy.
I've got a bad back.
Right, let's get this out.
Then we can get the carpet out,
get it underneath the tyres
and then we can be a-way.
There we go, okey-dokey.
Right, Hammond, I've got it,
right, go, just walk away.
Out the door? Just walk away.
Do you want me to turn around now?
Cos you're not welcome anymore.
OK.
I should have changed that stupid
lock, should have thrown away
the key, if I'd have known for
one second you'd be back...
Yes, the lyrics go on, we know that.
Put it on the floor.
I can't put it on the floor!
It's not going down!
Oh...!
'Sadly, the carpet
wasn't a solution.
'And then we saw why.'
So that wheel is straight,
that one is hard left.
Oh, Holy Moley!
Something massive
has snapped underneath.
When was the last time
somebody saw the 2CV?
'Having assessed the situation,
I dug myself out,
'fired up my stereo
'and left.'
# It's sad, so sad
# It's a sad, sad situation
# And it's getting more
and more absurd... #
Sorry.
In three, two, one. Here I go.
'Having towed my colleague
'out of the way,
I then left as well.
'And soon I caught up
with Clarkson.'
So his wheel fell off in... Bolivia,
off his Landcruiser,
wheel fell off his Subaru
in Tanzania,
the wheel's come off
his Mustang here.
Well, the constant factor
in all of those
wheel-falling-off incidents
is the driver.
I really genuinely believe Hammond
has had it. Absolutely had it.
That car is mendable...
if it were in Stevenage,
but it isn't.
'And, having removed the wheel,
I felt the same way.'
That is the culprit.
Track rod end, this fixes here,
decides where the wheel is pointing,
and clearly all the rest of
it's gone - it's just sheared.
And there's nothing
to suggest it was going to
if I hadn't hit the big wall of ice.
'James and I pushed on towards
the final border crossing
'back into Argentina.
'But when we reached it, we couldn't
help noticing it was a river,
'and something important
was missing.'
Well, why isn't there a bridge?
I know we've hit a few problems
in the last 24 hours,
but that's our biggest yet.
Is it...? How deep is it?
It's not so much the depth - it's...
Look, it's muddy and
we'll get stuck getting...
Oh, look.
Something's been driving through it.
You can see the tracks.
Well, what about that?
That lorry must have
driven through it to be there.
Buenas tardes!
What's the Spanish for,
"Does your lorry back over here,
"and could you lift our cars
onto it?"
Hola... Oh, he's driving off.
Oh, God.
I thought that was a bit
too good to be true.
No, wait. Oh, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Well, perhaps this is his business.
Perhaps it's a ferry.
It's a lorry ferry. Is that...?
I suppose it's possible.
'If it was a ferry, it didn't seem
very at home in the water.
'And it didn't have
the most sophisticated system
'for loading the car.'
I'm not sure I want to
put my Porsche on that.
Go.
Oh, God. I'm stuck.
Oh, God. Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho!
What if there's nowhere
to turn it on the other side?
What if I can't get off? Oh, my God!
That's SO shonky.
His stupid car
on the back of a lorry.
We're in the river now!
We're in the river.
It's deep! Deep, deep, deep river.
Right, I'm across the river...
Hold on, how do I get off?
How do I get off?
'Eduardo Stobart had thought of
that, and having deposited me...
'..he went back to get James.'
I'm on.
'But sadly there was
no room for his trailer.'
I'm taking Brokeback
in the car with me.
Oh, ow!
Here we go!
I didn't tell him
I had a bad back. Aya!
'James was deposited
gently on the bank...'
Ow.
Okey-doke, right, good,
we're both in...
definitely Argentina now.
'And then we were interrupted
by a familiar sound.'
Is that...?
It can't be.
Not going to lose me
that easily, boys.
That is the Mustang.
How the hell's he mended that?
'Unfortunately, Hammond then rather
spoiled the majesty of his arrival.'
He's stuck.
I'm stuck.
Jeremy and James,
is that you over there?
It certainly is.
Well, you come over the river
and then you're in Argentina.
Oo-ee!
Well, yeah, hello, yeah,
but how do I come over the river?
You drive over it. It's a ford.
It's not a ford, it's a river.
We drove over. Easy.
'Sadly, because Hammond
was bogged down,
'we had to ask a local
digger driver to go and get him.'
OK, could you "chuga-chuga"
over and then tow?
Eh?
Yes.
'Thanks to my brilliant miming, the
kindly chap was soon on his way.'
I mean, Hammond thinks
we drove across it.
He's in for quite
a surprise in a minute.
Yeah, this is suddenly seeming
like not such a good idea. Oh.
Oh, it's deep.
Is that the bottom of the doors?
Yeah, it's the bottom of the doors.
Oh, there is water coming in.
Lot of water now in my car.
If he sees this lorry...
He might be really angry, actually.
We might have to hide.
There is water coming out,
quite a lot of it.
Where are they?
Should've seen James
coming across the river.
It was almost up to the
top of the windows. Phenomenal.
Yeah. You got them quite muddy again
in the drive from the river to here.
'The next day, we were on the road
early, with Hammond worrying about
'the quality of his alpine
track rod end fix.
I hope that weld holds.
If it doesn't, this shot is
going to get very tumbly.
Sky, ground, sky, ground,
sky, ground, screaming.
'But there were only a few miles
to go to Ushuaia, and there,
'a team of locals had already begun
the groundwork for our stadium.
'They were using
shipping containers,
'which would form the framework,
and we had even lined up
'some football cars
for the Argentinians to use.'
But then we received word
that up ahead
there was some kind of protest
about our visit,
and the producers decided it'd be
best if we went to a nearby hotel.
Who's that lot in the car park,
James? Do you know?
No. I've seen them before,
but I'm not sure who they are.
Well, this lot are taking a lot
of interest in the camera vehicles.
What is it?
I don't know what these blokes came
out of but they're heading this way.
They're coming down the front.
Who is? Are they coming up here?
BLEEP. James, please
keep your face back.
You've seen the vehicle there with
the flag and all that kind of stuff.
We were getting...
There must be about 10 or 15
in the foyer just now.
I've spoke to the manager.
He's a little bit...
Nothing... Not a lot that he can do,
so I think at the moment,
if we all stay in our rooms...
All right. Here's the situation.
We're holed up in this room.
I don't know whose it is
but it isn't ours...
There's a gang...
..nationalists, whatever, believe
that the Falklands are Argentinian,
they don't like the British,
and they're in the hotel.
And we're stuck in here
and we don't know what's going on.
'The protestors consisted of
some Falkland War veterans
'and their associates,
'who said that if we didn't stop
filming, there would be trouble.
'The arrival of the police made us
realise this was no idle threat.'
The head veteran accused us
of putting a fake number plate
on the Porsche,
that was a deliberate reference
to the Falklands War.
Our producers tried to explain
it wasn't fake and that it would be
replaced for the game of football,
but they got nowhere.
We're in a meeting
with the police now.
Are you saying we've got to get
the hell out of Tierra del Fuego?
Absolutely.
We're being ordered to leave
Tierra del Fuego, yes?
We are. They want us,
as people, out.
We have just been ordered out
of Tierra del Fuego,
ordered out of - effectively -
Argentina.
But we haven't... We haven't had
any animosity whatsoever
in the whole trip. Everybody's been
perfectly decent, very charming.
All we wanted to do was
come here and play football,
and what's happened is...
'The producers said
it would take 24 hours
'to organise the departure
of such a large crew,
'but even though
the police were present,
'the veterans said
a mob was on its way
'and that there would be violence
if we weren't gone in three.'
Right, guys, everyone grab
a bit of equipment, please.
Everyone grab something, OK?
Do we get an escort?
'Meanwhile, the three of us,
who were the main target
'for the protesters' anger,
were still holed up in our room.'
Now, we've been doing a whole load
of Butch Cassidy stuff on the way
over here, and...
Come on.
This is Butch Cassidy for real.
Guys, everyone in the cars.
With four tonnes of equipment
loaded into the cars,
the 31-strong film crew
headed out of town.
And soon darkness fell.
A police escort would
take them 184 miles
to the border town of San Sebastian,
where they'd cross over into Chile,
and since the protestors' demands
had been met,
the crew hoped
they were out of danger.
But a short while later,
they realised they were not alone.
Bikes behind the star cars.
Bikes behind the star cars.
They're stopping and looking in.
They're looking for the Porsche.
On the only road, in the middle
of nowhere, with no phone signal,
the crew were being hounded.
They're going to be aggressive.
Then, just outside
the town of Tolowin,
the police told the convoy to
pull over and prepare for an attack.
As they drove into town,
a large mob was waiting.
The people on the left,
a lot of people on the left.
BLEEP hell, look at this.
Yeah, there's a lot of people here.
BLEEP.
BLEEP, they're everywhere.
And they were organised.
And there's a truck
slowing us down too. BLEEP.
The truck blocking
the right-hand lane.
It's too slow. That's a deliberate
BLEEP truck, just put there.
They're coming out.
BLEEP.
The first couple of hits
were from eggs.
But then the rocks started.
Throwing stones, throwing stones.
Stuff lobbed at us.
BLEEP drive, BLEEP drive!
You all right? Look at this lot.
BLEEP.
Keep it going, keep it going.
BLEEP.
Look out, look out on your right,
look out on your right.
Go left, go left.
Keep going, keep going.
Now floor it to the right,
floor it to the right.
Keep going.
Keep calm. Keep calm. Left.
Keep the convoy rolling.
Keep it going.
Keep Karl... Karl,
pull in in front of us.
Out of the town, the crew,
two of whom had been hurt,
pulled over to repair
the multitude of smashed windows.
Right, let's help Dan
on this one now.
And because they were
a magnet for trouble,
they had to abandon
the Porsche, Ford and Lotus.
Back on the move,
they were now heading for
the much larger town of Rio Grande,
where they were told a mob
in some 300 cars was waiting.
Fearing for their lives,
the crew abandoned the road
and headed cross-country towards
the river border we'd used earlier.
With the police escort hanging back
to make sure the attackers
hadn't spotted the ruse,
the convoy made it to the river,
where a few hours later
daylight revealed the
viciousness of the attack.
This time, there were no diggers
or trucks to help ford the river.
Come on!
But after many hours of struggle,
our team made it across...
..and into the welcoming
arms of Chile.
We are happy to see you.
'Us three, meanwhile, had decided
to conclude this whole sorry saga in
'the same way that Butch Cassidy and
the Sundance Kid had ended theirs.'
I've had a great idea.
What? Australia. Australia?
Yeah, they've got horses, you could
learn to ride. No horses!
Well, listen.
The important thing to remember
when we get out of here is...
Hang on, did you see
the 2CV out there? 2CV? No.
Oh, good. For a moment then
I thought we were in trouble. Right.
Fuego!
Fuego!
of the Top Gear Christmas Special,
the part where...
it all goes wrong.
As you probably saw
in the first programme, we were doing
an homage to the V8, driving
all the way across Patagonia,
from the town of Bariloche here,
on our way to Ushuaia
in Tierra del Fuego.
Now Ushuaia is the city from which
the battleship Belgrano sailed
on its final voyage at
the beginning of the Falklands War,
and as a result of that,
the British are not...
overly popular down there.
In a bid to build bridges,
we were planning to build a stadium
when we got there, and play
an Argentinian team at car football.
However, there was a problem.
Someone on an Argentinian website
noticed that the car I was driving
sported the number plate H982 FKL
and they wondered if
perhaps this was a reference
to the 1982 Falklands War.
Now we'd been made aware of
the issue shortly after we arrived
in Argentina but there was
nothing really we could do.
I mean, you can't just change
a car's number plates.
We did, however, develop a plan
that would solve the issue
when we arrived in Ushuaia.
Unfortunately, as you will
see at the end of what follows,
we were never given the chance.
1,600 miles...
in a Lotus?
Petrified forests, mysterious lakes.
This is all very odd.
Not looking, not looking,
not looking, not looking.
Ow!
Oh.
I think Hammond
really loves that Mustang.
Ow!
I've lost another gear.
It's your route, it's your route.
This road, it's killing the car!
The dashboard is a Christmas tree
and the car has stopped.
It's dead. The Porsche is dead.
It's all very well being rude
about the people of Norfolk
but so far they seem to
have built the best car.
If you'll say, "Jeremy, your car is
not boring," I will give you a tow.
I know who it is.
That's their idea of
a comedy back-up car.
I couldn't do that. Could you
do that? How can they do that?
Stop doing Butch Cassidy things,
please. Not now.
Why have you fitted my car with
a brake light on the dashboard?
Every bone in their crotches.
That's what I'm going to break.
We began day six in Argentina
on yet another
one of Patagonia's
endless gravel roads.
70 miles now and I haven't seen
a corner or another car.
70 miles.
Mustang country.
As this was quite monotonous, I
decided we should do some cornering.
So I hatched a plan.
You know what this is, don't you?
Dried-up lakebed. Yeah, it is.
It WAS a dried-up lakebed.
I see it now as a racetrack.
Yeah.
We could replicate any track
in the world here, and we shall.
'I therefore decided to make
a carbon copy
'of our favourite circuit,
'Imola.'
So here we go - this is
the Tamburello I'm making, here.
It's a long, sweeping left-hander.
Through the "S"s, like so.
Lovely job.
That's a lovely corner, there.
I've just made a lovely corner.
Right, good.
The track is made.
'I must confess, the finished
product looked more like a placenta
'than Imola, but we were all
looking forward to staging
'the inaugural V8 desert marathon.'
I'm going to turn petrol
into dust and noise.
In three... How many laps?
Oh. 50? Many.
Let's do 100.
In three, two, one.
Hit it.
Short shifting into second.
And into third, and already my lead
is commanding and excellent.
You BLEEP!
They think you're all boring.
Whoa, you're not boring now!
Oh, ho, ho, ho!
Oh, I'm on the inside of James, here.
Sod it. Ah!
Hammond is going like a crazy man.
Go on, Stang, go on, fella.
Whoo-hoo, that was a... Ah!
That way's... Oh, no -
I've gone wrong!
Heroic manoeuvre
from the mighty Mustang.
That is James May coming through.
Argh! Damn and blast!
Got him.
Oh, no!
'In the next half hour,
there were more overtaking moves
'than you get in a whole
season of Formula 1.
'It was brilliant.'
Hammond and I are...
Yes, we are side by side.
The most almighty battle.
Like gladiators, but a bit fatter.
Oh, really wide.
Yep, that is a Lotus Esprit -
famed throughout the world
for being one of
the most unreliable cars ever made.
And look at it.
Oh, nicely done.
I can't see anything. Wah!
This is an endurance race.
That's what you need to remember.
because the Mustang will break.
'And sure enough...'
Ooh, that was a...!
Argh! Argh!
'I called a halt before
anything else went wrong.
'But it already had.'
Oh, my God.
Things you want in your carburettor -
fuel, air and that's it.
You don't want rocks.
Well, it was definitely
time to stop.
Yeah. Draw, shall we call it a draw?
Yes. We can call it a draw. Yes.
Do you remember where the road was?
Which side did we come onto
the lake? That side, I think.
No, we didn't. We came from
that side. No, we didn't.
We had the hills to our right,
so I still think it's over there.
Well, we didn't drive over this
stuff to get to the lake, did we?
Yeah, but we could have been round
it. I think we came in from there.
'Unable to agree,
I put myself in charge
'and told the others to follow.'
I'm telling you, it's back that way.
I know he's got the most brilliant
sense of direction in the world...
This was a mistake.
Very soft there, very soft there,
keep going, keep going, very soft.
Oooh!
Ooh.
Here goes nothing.
Wouldn't ordinarily
do this with a 928, but...
I've never felt
more hopelessly lost.
'After many hours,
we did find the road,
'but our path to it was
blocked by a locked gate.'
That fence goes on forever.
Well, just knock it over.
What do you mean, knock it over?
I'll use my Mustang, I'll just drive
at the fence and flatten it...
What, and then leave the owner
a note? Yes.
And a few dollar...
I mean it's a bit of fence,
he could put that back up.
Hammond, what will the note say?
"Sorry we broke your fence
and let all your animals escape,
"and, by the way,
the Falklands are British."
We're supposed to be mending fences,
not knocking them down.
Oh, he's got his map.
Oh, good. We're saved!
Right, look.
We were coming... We are... We went
into this desert to do the racing.
So we've come off the road
somewhere here. Mm.
It can't be more
than 20k to Tres Lagos. Mm-hm.
And get some bolt cutters.
20k? Mm-hm. 12 miles.
We could walk it. We could walk that.
I can't walk 12 miles.
What else do you suggest?
No. No. No. No. No. No. No.
It's minus-one.
I am allergic to walking.
Just... no.
I know those horses we rode
in Burma, they were like Caterhams.
These are like Ford Granadas.
How do you know?
Cos they look like Ford Granadas.
They don't. They do. Just get on.
Hello, horse. Hola.
Hello, horse.
I shall call you Burger.
Oh, that's not gone well. Oh, BLEEP.
That's not gone well.
You all right, mate? You all right?
Stay still, stay still.
You all right? You all right?
Just stay still, stay still,
stay still. You're just winded.
I guess we're walking, then.
'Leaving James in the hands
of our doctor,
'Hammond and I set off
on the long walk into town,
'which gave us time to
chat about many things.'
And it did the weirdest thing.
It looked up and I thought, "Oh, it's
going to go mental and run away."
It walks towards the peacock,
so it was interested.
See, I hate both...
They live on a diet of meat
and nothing else. Yeah. Yeah.
Which must ruin their colons.
And if you then spend 12 hours
in the saddle, hammering it flat,
it'll be like trying
to pass a dustbin lid.
No, cos I think that's really weird,
that snails give trout piles.
In town we found a shop
and bought the bolt cutters.
And when we returned, we discovered
that James had cracked three ribs
and completely lost
his sense of humour.
What the hell was Clarkson thinking
of, even suggesting...?
What was I thinking of,
listening to him?
Horses are a part
of the countryside.
The countryside is for driving
through and looking at. That is...
Ah! God!
'Happily, Clarkson
soon got a bit of payback.'
Oh, for BLEEP sake.
I am out of fuel.
What a rotten bit of luck.
Oh.
No, it isn't fuel.
It's not turning over.
Oil pressure light, anything?
I think it could be
alternator-related.
It's been a long day today.
Sorry for being boring, viewers, and
having a car that works perfectly.
Lovely evening.
There's the problem.
That WAS the alternator belt.
'With night falling,
I was back on the road,
'but not out of trouble.'
Sit rep.
I didn't have a spare
alternator belt,
so I put a new battery in the boot,
which now isn't being charged,
which means I can't run with
any electrical equipment on -
no lights, no heater, nothing.
'50 miles from the overnight holt,
'I caught up with
one of my colleagues,
'but he wasn't much help.'
Hammond, is that the full
range of your lights?
Yeah, that's it,
that's all I got. Just one.
I have literally nothing at all,
nothing.
Oh, bollocks, THAT'S still working.
Yeah, the one thing I don't want
is your joke brake light.
Sorry, is that less than funny now?
'Hammond offered to ride shotgun
so we could share his headlight.'
If you can get your nose
slightly in front of my nose...
Absolutely no difference at all.
'And then night fell completely.'
It's bloody dangerous, this.
Bloody dangerous.
It's about 30k to where
we've got to end up tonight.
I don't know if there's 30k in
that battery in Jeremy's car.
Almost certainly not.
That is concentration now.
I'm tired now, I'm really tired.
And scared.
Oh, BLEEP!
Oh, I never saw that coming.
Ten miles to the hotel.
'By using "the Force",
I made it in one piece,
'and the next morning, after
James had leapt into his Lotus...'
Ah!
'..we hit the road.'
Couldn't mend my car
last night because, well,
we couldn't get an alternator
belt in this town, amazingly.
And the dashboard is unmendable.
So I just fiddled with
Hammond's car instead.
It was more fun, I thought.
Oh!
Have you wired my brake pedal
to my air horn?
Yes, I have.
Have you also taken the time to
put the air horn inside the car?
Yes, I did.
Ow! Oh, God!
'Meanwhile,
in Frankie Dettori's car...'
Oh, BLEEP, ah!
BLEEP hell! Sorry, viewers.
Hammond? Yes?
We're staying tonight
at a town called...
I think it's called Calafate,
something like that.
Apparently there's a freestyle
trampoline competition going on,
£100 first prize.
Oh, well, I think we're signed up.
We're also signed up for
the piggyback race. Excellent.
'Soon we started to get a bit
distracted by the backdrop.'
Bloody Nora, look at that!
What's that all about?
'We had to stop and take a moment.'
Look at that. I mean, look at it.
That really is actually
a spectacular view. It is.
That's one of the best, actually.
That is a film set.
Those mountains, they must be... I've
never heard of them, but they're...
Well, it's the Andes.
What? Could you just take a quick
picture and then show it to me?
It's easier. Oh, no,
my phone's flat. Hop out.
We'll help you. Even at the best of
times, that's an idiotic expression.
Nobody hops out of a car.
Jump out. Nobody jumps out of a car,
nobody hovers, nobody leaps out.
He's quite grumpy. Nobody pops.
Back pain does that to people.
It does.
It puts them in a bad mood. It does.
'Back on the road, I started to
think about the football stadium
'we'd have to build
at journey's end.'
Um, I've had a thought.
What?
Builders don't turn up in Porsches
or Lotuses or Ford Mustangs.
At some point, we're
going to have to make our cars
a bit more workman-like.
I get you. OK.
'And so, that afternoon,
'after a wonderful drive on glorious
roads, we reached El Calafate.'
Oh, sorry. They've wired it up.
'And there we found what we needed.'
Looks like a workshop.
We can use that.
We can do work.
It doesn't work.
Er...
"Largos."
"Gruesos."
24 hours later,
our modifications were complete.
At the front, I have mended
the alternator belt
and fitted these stripes
so May and Hammond
stop calling me a businessman.
At the back,
I've been a little more radical.
I have converted my 928
into... "an" pick-up truck.
Ooh!
What on earth is this all for?
Lights. Well, I had a problem with
my lights - I have addressed that.
Why, in such an enormous car,
have you fitted
the roll cage on the outside?
Yeah, the exoskeleton.
Because, well, it leaves more
room inside, doesn't it?
What you've done is you've
made your already very big car
even bigger, and you've fitted the
spoiler... Yep... from the back...
Yeah. Still got the spoiler on it.
Have you had this in a wind tunnel?
Not yet, no.
And then...
Oh, my word! I know!
It's the most logical thing
in the world, really,
if you think about it.
Mustang. Pick-up.
'Hammond and I had also
raised our cars' ride height,
'which is more than James had done.'
Oh, look, here he comes.
Er...
Um... What... What HAS he done?
It's, um...
He hasn't done anything.
We can speed this up
in the edit, can't we?
We'll walk slowly
and then we can speed this up.
Hi, James.
Right, and back to normal speed now.
What have you been doing?
Well, I've largely been having
hot and cold baths
to ease my aching bones.
James. Yeah?
We've made pick-up trucks.
You've done absolutely nothing.
How are you going to carry any of
the supplies and the tools we need?
Aha.
Aha what?
This is brilliant.
Oh, I see!
What, behind this? Seriously?
Behold. Towbar, yeah, I see,
so this is your trailer.
That's my trailer.
Right, so we're all ready,
and I'm going to be in front
because I have fitted my car
with sat nav. Have you?
None of the dials
will work ever again -
it's a complete electronic
mishmash in there.
Oh, I see!
'As we headed out of town,
'there were a few accidents with
James' trailer.'
This is brilliant.
Now James has a trailer,
we can run into him...
Oi. Not funny. Sorry!
..without damaging his Lotus.
We annoy him,
we don't damage the Lotus. Win-win.
And Hammond's go.
Oh, this is like tennis!
'Out on the highway,
'I discovered that not all of my mods
had worked very well.'
I haven't improved the forwards
visibility so much,
because there's a bar
across my windscreen.
Yeah, that's better.
'My sat nav mod, however,
had worked very well,
'and as a result, I was able to come
up with a time-saving plan.'
OK, we are here.
We've got to go here, Ushuaia -
southernmost city in the world,
and so on, yeah?
Now, this is the road.
Look - it's tarmac, gravel, tarmac,
gravel, ferry, onto Tierra
del Fuego, back into Argentina
and then all the way to there, yeah?
Now, I think we've already proved
the Porsche can handle anything
that Patagonia throws at it.
Wait a minute. We haven't, have we?
I mean, we've proven the opposite.
It's here. It fell apart.
One suspension component failure,
that's it,
which broke the electrics.
So the suspension
and all the electrics failed.
One leg broke. And then
the alternator belt went.
Listen, let's not get bogged down
with whose car's broken down
the most. Now... Cos it's yours.
..since we need to get on
with this... OK, yeah.
..all three of us have got
here. Yes? Yeah. Yes.
All three of us.
And I have a suggestion.
Punta Arenas.
No look, honestly it's brilliant.
You have to use a ferry to get
to Tierra del Fuego, OK?
Cos it's an island. Yes. So I'm
saying we go here. Punta Arenas.
Oh, I see. Yeah?
Get on a ferry there -
it's further on the boat -
and then get to Ushuaia that way.
Ferry. Ferry. Right. Good.
'With the plan agreed,
we soldiered on.'
Go to Punta Arenas, catch boat,
arrive Ushuaia, build a stadium,
play football, do diplomacy.
What can possibly go wrong
with that?
'As it turned out,
absolutely everything.
'But for now, we were heading once
more for Chile and Punta Arenas.
'And, after many miles
of being bounced around,
'the Porsche developed
another fault.'
As you can probably hear,
my sunroof has partially opened
and won't close again!
And because I'm driving into
the wind, it's quite loud in here!
Oh, God. Please!
'Eventually, though, I came up
with an ingenious solution.'
Yes, this has solved the problem.
If you've just joined us...
Oh, I can't explain.
It has slightly
impeded our progress,
if you don't mind me saying.
He is going to be
a little bit surprised,
this chap overtaking our convoy.
But, um... sorry.
'Soon we reached the border post,
where I mended my sunroof
'and Hammond did his thang
with the back of his Mustang.'
'Then, we were back in Chile.'
I've just passed the most
fantastic road sign.
It said Fin del Mundo.
The End of the World.
We're heading for
the end of the world.
'Eventually, our brilliant,
wonderful, magical cars
'reached the port of Punta Arenas,
'and before boarding the ferry
to Tierra del Fuego,
'we decided to buy some things
for our football stadium.'
Pies, beer, goalposts,
corner posts, a trophy.
And we need three or
four former footballers
in a studio
to talk about the football.
'In the town centre,
we split up to do shopping.'
I don't really want to get out
of the car if I can avoid it,
because I've got a bad back.
This looks like the sales assistant.
The man says this isn't real grass,
it's synthetic. You'd never know.
Sorry.
Goal!
Right, what else do I need?
BLEEP.
'Soon our shopping trip
was complete.'
Corner flags, got the box,
cement, hammer, good.
Astroturf, beer, beer, beer.
What is this?
Oh, this? This, gentlemen,
is magnificent. That's what it is.
This is the trophy that will
be presented to the winning team
after our game of football.
It is striking,
and I'm very glad it's the trophy,
because for one second I thought
it was your present to me.
Actually, I have actually
bought you a present.
It's... I know where
we're going is very cold
so you'll need to stay warm,
so I've got you that. Um...
Oh, I say. Oh, thank you very much.
'Richard and I had also
bought James something.'
To remind you of this extraordinary
trip that we have been on.
What?
Oh, seriously, that's...
Cos we know you love horses.
Look at the face on it. Oh,
thanks, lads. I've got a warm glow.
'With the trophy loaded up...'
Oh, yeah. Careful, careful.
'..we headed for the port.'
Right, the ferry.
And what a fine-looking
craft she is.
'As the captain was keen
to catch the tide,
'Clarkson and I boarded quickly.
'However...'
No, he's got...
No, you've blown that before
you've even started, James.
This trailer is really badly
behaved. Why won't it...?
No. Oh, it's a bit...
It's S-ing a bit.
Now, if you caught it now... No.
No.
All these people, lorry drivers...
wondering why there's
a delayed departure.
Yes, yes. Yes. This is it. Yes.
James, take it...
No, slowly, slowly.
James, slowly left hand down,
left hand down.
He's crashed into the boat. Yeah.
'With darkness falling and the tide
all wrong, James finally made it.'
Yeah, you see...
Well done, mate. That was tremendous.
Really, really the best
hour and a half entertainment
I've had in a long time.
You seen that?
That is the southernmost tip
of the American continent.
Right there.
It's a significant spot on the globe,
isn't it, this? It is.
It was not the most
comfortable voyage in history
but we forgot all about that
the next morning, when the sunrise
revealed the spectacular islands
of Tierra del Fuego.
However, there was a problem.
For political reasons,
we can't go to Ushuaia on this boat.
What sort of political reasons?
Well, all these islands
here belong to Chile, OK,
but Argentina think they're theirs.
No! I know!
But anyway, let's not
get bogged down with that.
The captain's very kindly
said he'll drop us here,
and then there's a track - can you
see? Oh, yeah, there it is, look.
That goes down there, to Ushuaia.
'Sadly, for geological reasons, the
ferry couldn't dock at the track.
'So the captain dropped us
off a mile down the beach.'
Here we go.
James May is on Tierra del Fuego.
I claim this land for Norfolk,
and name it Lotus Beach.
Oh, yes!
Yea-eah! We are going to Ushuaia.
Cock.
Er, chaps, the Lotus is
beached on Lotus Beach.
Oh, good, that's a massive hole!
If we take this off and smash it
to pieces, we can use the slats...
Yeah. To make a sort of sand
ladder in front of him to get him up
and out of this. I bought a pickaxe -
it's in there somewhere - which is
excellent. There it is, in fact.
Right, if you do the ropes, ready?
Hang on, hang on.
Hang on, hang on, hang on,
hang on, hang on.
Take it out of the trailer
before you...
No, no - why would I do that?
This is the right height.
Yeah, but you can... Hold on,
hold on... lever it.
That's the wrong tool for the...
Stop. You can lever it.
Still got the plastic protector on
the end of the pickaxe. Oh, yeah.
I'm not... Aha!
You're just breaking the slats up.
Now you can't use it.
If you jam... If you put it on the
ground and jam the prong in there,
you can lever them up
and lever them off. Exactly.
Well, that's it, then - I'm not
helping. I've done all I can do.
THAT isn't going to really help.
'I decided to leave them to it
and go on ahead.'
What an absolute...
Ahh!
Ooh.
Ah!
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
BLEEP.
In three, two, one and go.
And we're through.
'Up ahead, after we'd rounded
an apparently pointless
'wooden fence obstacle,
there was a problem.'
Oh, God, look at it.
Massive boulders.
Won't go over that,
won't go over that.
Cos, Hammond, look down there. Won't
go over that. Look at the next bit.
Won't go over any of that.
'Luckily, the backs of our cars
were full of stuff
'we could use to make progress.'
Ow!
Bit of right.
Quite a lot of right!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. What?
Oh, bloody hell!
Three, two, one, and go.
No, it's not helping at all.
Now left, full left, full left.
Do you mean right?
Full right, sorry.
Lever.
Oh, yes!
'In five hours, we had moved
just 200 yards
'and our cars were taking
such heavy punishment...
That is clutch.
'..that we completely failed
to notice the rising tide.'
Oh, God.
BLEEP. Hammond, go now.
James, get out of the way.
Ooh.
Go round me.
'Up ahead, the beach narrowed
so much
'that soon the tide would
cut us off completely.
'What we needed now, more than ever,
was teamwork.'
I'm sorry,
it's every man for himself now.
The situation is actually
quite perilous.
Come on, Porsche, please,
please, please, please.
Ow, BLEEP!
Oh, for God's sake.
That's punched a hole in the door.
The tide is moving four inches
every ten minutes.
'Meanwhile,
back where Jeremy had left us...'
This is going wear the clutch out
if I'm not careful.
BLEEP! Come on!
Please move, Porsche, please move.
Come on, yes, you brilliant car.
Come on.
Come on, Porsche, come on.
Eh-ya!
Go on.
Oh, God.
Sorry, this is really brutal.
I'm not stopping.
Get bogged down if I stop.
Got a puncture,
I've got a knackered clutch.
'Just in time,
I made it to the pinch point.'
Come on, come on, through the sea.
'And moments later,
I was joined by Hank B Hammond.'
Right, only the Lotus now.
I'll be staggered
if I get through this bit.
Oh, yes!
'Of course, it's traditional
on TV these days
'that everyone always makes it,
'but this is Top Gear,
so we didn't.
'James, therefore, parked his car
above the high water mark,
'locked it, weirdly,
'and we made camp,
which for once wasn't so bad.'
What a view that is.
It's mind-blowing.
It is mind-blowing.
I think we have to all agree that
Tierra del Fuego is THE most
beautiful place in the world.
I'll go with that. Yeah.
I'm happy to accept that.
What are we eating, by the way?
Beaver.
What?
Beaver. There's a plague of them
here, honestly.
Back in '46, Peron introduced
25 pairs of beaver down here.
There are now hundreds of thousands
of them.
Half the riparian forest
around here, half of it,
has gone as a result of beavers.
Cos the beaver here likes hardwood.
And you can eat it?
I'll let you know in a minute.
Mate of mine said he did once.
What, a mate of yours
said he'd eaten beaver?
Yeah, I didn't believe him.
I shall try it.
I'm fairly sure
I don't like beaver, actually.
I mean, I'll eat anything,
as you know.
I'll just warm you
a piece up, Hammond.
'It was a wonderful evening,
'and after the sun went down,
it got even better.'
'The next morning at low tide,
we rescued the Lotus
'and set off on the final leg
of our journey to Ushuaia.
'However, our cars had been
badly bruised by the beach assault
'and there was another issue...'
We've used a lot of the stuff
we bought in Punta Arenas
to build the stadium
to get us off that beach.
That's James May's trailer.
That's all he's got left.
Plank of wood,
wheelbarrow and toy horse.
'Spirits, though, were high
as we reached
'what would be
the final mountain range.
'We could almost smell the victory.'
Well, this is lovely, isn't it?
This is the most scenic bit yet.
'Jeremy and I, however,
'were too busy enjoying ourselves
to notice the view.'
Whoa! There you go. Yeah!
Rally stage.
And stick it into the corner.
Power it round.
Little bit of boot,
full of opposite lock.
Yes, I'm going well.
Oh, hang on.
Whoa!
Whoa! No, no, no, no.
Turns out I'm not good at rallying.
There's evidence to suggest
neither am I.
'Both of us were stuck.
'But luckily we had
the right equipment
'for such a cold-weather emergency.'
The beaver we ate last night,
we made some clothes out of it's...
Out of its fur,
and that's going to be handy now.
Beaver mittens.
You know that carpet
you're carrying? Yeah.
We could use that,
couldn't we, to get going?
It is INCREDIBLY heavy.
I've got a bad back.
Right, let's get this out.
Then we can get the carpet out,
get it underneath the tyres
and then we can be a-way.
There we go, okey-dokey.
Right, Hammond, I've got it,
right, go, just walk away.
Out the door? Just walk away.
Do you want me to turn around now?
Cos you're not welcome anymore.
OK.
I should have changed that stupid
lock, should have thrown away
the key, if I'd have known for
one second you'd be back...
Yes, the lyrics go on, we know that.
Put it on the floor.
I can't put it on the floor!
It's not going down!
Oh...!
'Sadly, the carpet
wasn't a solution.
'And then we saw why.'
So that wheel is straight,
that one is hard left.
Oh, Holy Moley!
Something massive
has snapped underneath.
When was the last time
somebody saw the 2CV?
'Having assessed the situation,
I dug myself out,
'fired up my stereo
'and left.'
# It's sad, so sad
# It's a sad, sad situation
# And it's getting more
and more absurd... #
Sorry.
In three, two, one. Here I go.
'Having towed my colleague
'out of the way,
I then left as well.
'And soon I caught up
with Clarkson.'
So his wheel fell off in... Bolivia,
off his Landcruiser,
wheel fell off his Subaru
in Tanzania,
the wheel's come off
his Mustang here.
Well, the constant factor
in all of those
wheel-falling-off incidents
is the driver.
I really genuinely believe Hammond
has had it. Absolutely had it.
That car is mendable...
if it were in Stevenage,
but it isn't.
'And, having removed the wheel,
I felt the same way.'
That is the culprit.
Track rod end, this fixes here,
decides where the wheel is pointing,
and clearly all the rest of
it's gone - it's just sheared.
And there's nothing
to suggest it was going to
if I hadn't hit the big wall of ice.
'James and I pushed on towards
the final border crossing
'back into Argentina.
'But when we reached it, we couldn't
help noticing it was a river,
'and something important
was missing.'
Well, why isn't there a bridge?
I know we've hit a few problems
in the last 24 hours,
but that's our biggest yet.
Is it...? How deep is it?
It's not so much the depth - it's...
Look, it's muddy and
we'll get stuck getting...
Oh, look.
Something's been driving through it.
You can see the tracks.
Well, what about that?
That lorry must have
driven through it to be there.
Buenas tardes!
What's the Spanish for,
"Does your lorry back over here,
"and could you lift our cars
onto it?"
Hola... Oh, he's driving off.
Oh, God.
I thought that was a bit
too good to be true.
No, wait. Oh, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Well, perhaps this is his business.
Perhaps it's a ferry.
It's a lorry ferry. Is that...?
I suppose it's possible.
'If it was a ferry, it didn't seem
very at home in the water.
'And it didn't have
the most sophisticated system
'for loading the car.'
I'm not sure I want to
put my Porsche on that.
Go.
Oh, God. I'm stuck.
Oh, God. Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho!
What if there's nowhere
to turn it on the other side?
What if I can't get off? Oh, my God!
That's SO shonky.
His stupid car
on the back of a lorry.
We're in the river now!
We're in the river.
It's deep! Deep, deep, deep river.
Right, I'm across the river...
Hold on, how do I get off?
How do I get off?
'Eduardo Stobart had thought of
that, and having deposited me...
'..he went back to get James.'
I'm on.
'But sadly there was
no room for his trailer.'
I'm taking Brokeback
in the car with me.
Oh, ow!
Here we go!
I didn't tell him
I had a bad back. Aya!
'James was deposited
gently on the bank...'
Ow.
Okey-doke, right, good,
we're both in...
definitely Argentina now.
'And then we were interrupted
by a familiar sound.'
Is that...?
It can't be.
Not going to lose me
that easily, boys.
That is the Mustang.
How the hell's he mended that?
'Unfortunately, Hammond then rather
spoiled the majesty of his arrival.'
He's stuck.
I'm stuck.
Jeremy and James,
is that you over there?
It certainly is.
Well, you come over the river
and then you're in Argentina.
Oo-ee!
Well, yeah, hello, yeah,
but how do I come over the river?
You drive over it. It's a ford.
It's not a ford, it's a river.
We drove over. Easy.
'Sadly, because Hammond
was bogged down,
'we had to ask a local
digger driver to go and get him.'
OK, could you "chuga-chuga"
over and then tow?
Eh?
Yes.
'Thanks to my brilliant miming, the
kindly chap was soon on his way.'
I mean, Hammond thinks
we drove across it.
He's in for quite
a surprise in a minute.
Yeah, this is suddenly seeming
like not such a good idea. Oh.
Oh, it's deep.
Is that the bottom of the doors?
Yeah, it's the bottom of the doors.
Oh, there is water coming in.
Lot of water now in my car.
If he sees this lorry...
He might be really angry, actually.
We might have to hide.
There is water coming out,
quite a lot of it.
Where are they?
Should've seen James
coming across the river.
It was almost up to the
top of the windows. Phenomenal.
Yeah. You got them quite muddy again
in the drive from the river to here.
'The next day, we were on the road
early, with Hammond worrying about
'the quality of his alpine
track rod end fix.
I hope that weld holds.
If it doesn't, this shot is
going to get very tumbly.
Sky, ground, sky, ground,
sky, ground, screaming.
'But there were only a few miles
to go to Ushuaia, and there,
'a team of locals had already begun
the groundwork for our stadium.
'They were using
shipping containers,
'which would form the framework,
and we had even lined up
'some football cars
for the Argentinians to use.'
But then we received word
that up ahead
there was some kind of protest
about our visit,
and the producers decided it'd be
best if we went to a nearby hotel.
Who's that lot in the car park,
James? Do you know?
No. I've seen them before,
but I'm not sure who they are.
Well, this lot are taking a lot
of interest in the camera vehicles.
What is it?
I don't know what these blokes came
out of but they're heading this way.
They're coming down the front.
Who is? Are they coming up here?
BLEEP. James, please
keep your face back.
You've seen the vehicle there with
the flag and all that kind of stuff.
We were getting...
There must be about 10 or 15
in the foyer just now.
I've spoke to the manager.
He's a little bit...
Nothing... Not a lot that he can do,
so I think at the moment,
if we all stay in our rooms...
All right. Here's the situation.
We're holed up in this room.
I don't know whose it is
but it isn't ours...
There's a gang...
..nationalists, whatever, believe
that the Falklands are Argentinian,
they don't like the British,
and they're in the hotel.
And we're stuck in here
and we don't know what's going on.
'The protestors consisted of
some Falkland War veterans
'and their associates,
'who said that if we didn't stop
filming, there would be trouble.
'The arrival of the police made us
realise this was no idle threat.'
The head veteran accused us
of putting a fake number plate
on the Porsche,
that was a deliberate reference
to the Falklands War.
Our producers tried to explain
it wasn't fake and that it would be
replaced for the game of football,
but they got nowhere.
We're in a meeting
with the police now.
Are you saying we've got to get
the hell out of Tierra del Fuego?
Absolutely.
We're being ordered to leave
Tierra del Fuego, yes?
We are. They want us,
as people, out.
We have just been ordered out
of Tierra del Fuego,
ordered out of - effectively -
Argentina.
But we haven't... We haven't had
any animosity whatsoever
in the whole trip. Everybody's been
perfectly decent, very charming.
All we wanted to do was
come here and play football,
and what's happened is...
'The producers said
it would take 24 hours
'to organise the departure
of such a large crew,
'but even though
the police were present,
'the veterans said
a mob was on its way
'and that there would be violence
if we weren't gone in three.'
Right, guys, everyone grab
a bit of equipment, please.
Everyone grab something, OK?
Do we get an escort?
'Meanwhile, the three of us,
who were the main target
'for the protesters' anger,
were still holed up in our room.'
Now, we've been doing a whole load
of Butch Cassidy stuff on the way
over here, and...
Come on.
This is Butch Cassidy for real.
Guys, everyone in the cars.
With four tonnes of equipment
loaded into the cars,
the 31-strong film crew
headed out of town.
And soon darkness fell.
A police escort would
take them 184 miles
to the border town of San Sebastian,
where they'd cross over into Chile,
and since the protestors' demands
had been met,
the crew hoped
they were out of danger.
But a short while later,
they realised they were not alone.
Bikes behind the star cars.
Bikes behind the star cars.
They're stopping and looking in.
They're looking for the Porsche.
On the only road, in the middle
of nowhere, with no phone signal,
the crew were being hounded.
They're going to be aggressive.
Then, just outside
the town of Tolowin,
the police told the convoy to
pull over and prepare for an attack.
As they drove into town,
a large mob was waiting.
The people on the left,
a lot of people on the left.
BLEEP hell, look at this.
Yeah, there's a lot of people here.
BLEEP.
BLEEP, they're everywhere.
And they were organised.
And there's a truck
slowing us down too. BLEEP.
The truck blocking
the right-hand lane.
It's too slow. That's a deliberate
BLEEP truck, just put there.
They're coming out.
BLEEP.
The first couple of hits
were from eggs.
But then the rocks started.
Throwing stones, throwing stones.
Stuff lobbed at us.
BLEEP drive, BLEEP drive!
You all right? Look at this lot.
BLEEP.
Keep it going, keep it going.
BLEEP.
Look out, look out on your right,
look out on your right.
Go left, go left.
Keep going, keep going.
Now floor it to the right,
floor it to the right.
Keep going.
Keep calm. Keep calm. Left.
Keep the convoy rolling.
Keep it going.
Keep Karl... Karl,
pull in in front of us.
Out of the town, the crew,
two of whom had been hurt,
pulled over to repair
the multitude of smashed windows.
Right, let's help Dan
on this one now.
And because they were
a magnet for trouble,
they had to abandon
the Porsche, Ford and Lotus.
Back on the move,
they were now heading for
the much larger town of Rio Grande,
where they were told a mob
in some 300 cars was waiting.
Fearing for their lives,
the crew abandoned the road
and headed cross-country towards
the river border we'd used earlier.
With the police escort hanging back
to make sure the attackers
hadn't spotted the ruse,
the convoy made it to the river,
where a few hours later
daylight revealed the
viciousness of the attack.
This time, there were no diggers
or trucks to help ford the river.
Come on!
But after many hours of struggle,
our team made it across...
..and into the welcoming
arms of Chile.
We are happy to see you.
'Us three, meanwhile, had decided
to conclude this whole sorry saga in
'the same way that Butch Cassidy and
the Sundance Kid had ended theirs.'
I've had a great idea.
What? Australia. Australia?
Yeah, they've got horses, you could
learn to ride. No horses!
Well, listen.
The important thing to remember
when we get out of here is...
Hang on, did you see
the 2CV out there? 2CV? No.
Oh, good. For a moment then
I thought we were in trouble. Right.
Fuego!
Fuego!