The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 21, Episode 14 - Postcards from the Wedge - full transcript

Season 21 - Episode 14
- Postcards from the Wedge -

How will the Springfielder
of the future get around town?

Will he be like bus-stop bill,
caught out in the rain?

Or will he be like subway sam,

packed like a tuna
on the Springfield metro line?

Here he can rub shoulders
with fellow businessmen

and share their deadly germs.

These two men might as
well be kissing.

Is there no way to get to work
in comfort, safety and style?

Well, it looks like
motorcar Mel's got the answer.

He's cruising at 130 miles an hour



in a plutonium-powered auto

on the spacious skyway of tomorrow.

And it's got plenty of room
for all of Mrs. Mel's shopping.

All that's left is to pick
Junior up from school.

Looks like that robot arm needs
a little adjustment.

Well, that concludes...

I don't really know what that was.

Please take out your homework.

Homework?
What homework?

We had to build
a Hopi Indian pueblo.

Mine features indigenous Hopi songs.

What's this?

A promoter has arrived

to entice the tribe to perform
in a Wild West show.



Unfortunately,

the chief doesn't read the
contract very carefully.

The good news is,
over a hundred years later,

a brilliant little
boy receives an "A"

for his amazing presentation.

Bravo, Martin.

Bravo.

Well, let's see what the rest
of you dullards have to offer.

Damn it.
Okay, don't panic.

I can build one of those things
from the crap in my desk.

Bart Simpson, you've had three
months to do this project.

You started 30 seconds ago.

Thank you. Thank you.

I'm not complimenting you.

You've destroyed every ideal
I've had about teaching

since I saw to Sir,
with love as a little girl.

Ha-ha. You're old.

I saw it on video in the '80s.

Outdated medium.

I stand by my ha-ha.

Bart, I'm sending
your parents a letter.

"Irresponsible,

unprepared, bad seed..."

- Good guy.
- "Bad guy." Signed...

stamped and sealed.

So, can I deliver that
to the office for you?

- I wasn't born yesterday.
- Tell me about it.

Martin?

Outgoing mail slot. Now.

Got to stop that letter.

Oh, fire alarm.

Ooh, that means firemen.

Sixth-graders? No.

I'm sure it's a training bra.

PG-13.

I have an unwanted boner.

Hoisting a bag.

Ay, there's no better
feeling on earth.

Now what are you up to?

Whatever happened to "Hi"?

Hi.
Now what are you up to?

A letter's coming from school,
and I need to be home

to keep Mom and Dad from getting it.

Mom.
I have a fever.

103.

No school today.

Then again, there's only one way
to get a truly accurate reading.

Bart, pants.

Just close your eyes
and think of Milhouse.

Yup. 103 on the dot.

You're staying home.

- How did you...?
- I don't want to talk about it.

I got to get that letter
before Mom and Dad do.

Stay focused.

Focused.

Credit card offer, overdue bill,

credit card offer, overdue bill.

What's this?

What the...?
You're a month behind on homework?

I tried really hard
to stop you from finding out.

Does that help?

A little!

These are Bart's uncompleted
homework assignments

for the last month:
worksheets, problem sets,

book reports, math jumbles,

dioramas, topic sentences,
conclusions,

bibliographies, synonyms,
mean-the-sames,

define-a-likes, word twins

and one Thanksgiving hand-turkey.

One month?

That's a heavy workload
for a fourth grader.

I say this boy needs more homework.

- I don't have to do it with him, do I?
- No.

Pile it on.

I want him to be Korean
by the time he's done.

Clean dishes.

I either have to unload them,
or, uh...

Thanks for doing the dishes.

No problem.
You can unload.

You know, I think Bart might
have too much homework.

If they keep overwhelming him,

he might be turned
off school forever.

Oh, my. A child who
doesn't enjoy school?

Hello? Hollywood?

You want to buy the movie
rights to this incredible story?

A million dollars?

Deal.

Oh, now I have to write it.

Digibot, Go-go-goman has
the crystal life ball.

Wow, how does this
show stay so fresh?

Hey. You're supposed
to be doing your homework.

No more TV for you.

Until your homework is done,

the only place your butt is safe

from my foot is in that chair.

It's okay, Bart.

Just do a couple vocabulary words,

then come have some
milk and cookies.

- But Dad said I had to finish my...
- Never mind what he said.

You just listen to me.

Hey, Lis, Mom and Dad just
told me two different things.

How is that possible?

Well, sometimes people
who agree on most things

have one issue that they
disagree strongly about.

In politics,
it's called a wedge issue,

like illegal immigration
or gay marriage.

Wait a minute.

Can I play them against each other

so I don't have to do
any homework at all?

You would mess up Mom
and Dad's marriage

just to get out
of doing some homework?

Hey, hey, I would end
all life on this planet

- just to get out of doing fractions.
- Fractions aren't that hard.

You just have to find
a common denominator.

For example, one half
plus one third equals...

End... all... life...
on... this... planet!

You'll need to know fractions
to make that explosion!

I don't care.

Oh, so much homework.

Childhood slipping away.

Bart, put down those books
and go play this instant.

If you say so.

Right on time.

Grape soda...
shaken, not stirred.

Let's roll.

FREE WI-FI DURING SERMON

Dear Lord, please give
my stubborn husband

the wisdom to see that
I am right as usual.

Too late, Marge.

I already used a prayer
block on your prayer.

There's no such thing
as prayer blocks.

Yeah, right.

* Fight, fight, fight,
the Itchy and Scratchy Show. *

Hey, why aren't you
doing your homework?

I said he could take a break.

The violence really relaxes me.

You don't get to relax till you get
to the bottom of this homework stack.

Don't contradict me
in front of our son.

Well, don't be wrong
in front of our son.

Oh, yeah?
Well...

Let's have lunch at Crouching
Tiger Hidden Eggroll.

No line, near the men's room.

I see no reason to
question your choice.

Smooth move, Mom,
tricking Dad into having lunch

at the one place that
doesn't serve beer.

What the...? Then I want
to eat at... Moe's Express.

By express, I mean that you express
your anger and hatred.

The last time you ate there,

you spent three nights
in the mall jail.

That was last week,
and you're still bringing it up.

Well, you always miss when you throw
your underpants at the hamper.

Well, how could I ever hit the hamper
if you don't let me practice?

You practiced all
day on my birthday.

Fine. I was gonna apologize,
but now I'm not going to.

- You were never going to apologize.
- I was, too. The words were in my brain.

You're wrong, and whenever
you're wrong, you just spout gibberish.

Congratulations.

You're officially a sociopath.

Hey, at least I'm on a path.

I don't mind if you
pee in the shower,

but only if you're taking a shower.

No freedom. I have no freedom
around this house.

After sex, I'm not talking to you.

Well, then there won't be any sex.

You can't sex fire me, I sex quit.

Got to stay mad.

The next morning is where the
fight is won or lost.

Freeze him out.

It's cold in Marge's doghouse, baby.

I just think when
two people disagree,

the big jerk ought to apologize.

You know, Marge,

Maude and I had a fight
right before she died.

Neddy, when you're drying your hands
with our monogrammed towels,

can you use the "NF" towel,
not the "MF"?

You know, maybe I should
use a towel marked "BDD"...

big diddily deal.

I play that fight over in my mind
a thousand times a day.

Must win fight.

Must win fight.

Let me say to you all,

I'm pretty sure this is not a dream.

Oh, my God, I killed her.

I've got to apologize.

Once again, sleeping at
work has saved my marriage.

Compromise has no
place in a marriage.

Stick to your guns.

And if he leaves,
you'll be free and happy, like us.

Yes. Happy.

So happy.

I'm going to find my husband.

Don't depress the kids.

That pacifier's the last
true friend you'll have.

Must apologize.
Must apologize.

I'm sorry we ever fought.

We can't let Bart drive us apart.

He's the reason we had
to get married.

Till the two
of us are back on track,

Bart can fend for himself.

Bart?
Bart who?

I'm being cute.

It's working.

Put down some flares, boys.

We're gonna be here a while.

Awesome breakfast, Marge.

Breakfast in bed is
so much better than

breakfast in a chair.

I'm gonna go paste your heads
back into the family photos.

I've got them right here.

Dad, I know you're gonna say no,
but Mom would say...

- Whatever. Knock yourself out.
- What do you mean?

You may not realize this, Bart,

but your mother and I have been
fighting about you a lot lately.

And I've realized our marriage is
more important than your future.

From now on, you're on your own.

Really? Okay.

Uh, Marge?
I don't want to ruin the moment,

but you got something
stuck between your...

Ah, a peaceful Saturday afternoon,

with no Bart Simpson,
and no Milhouse, for that matter.

Nothing on my agenda but to sit here
and watch hummingbirds.

Sugar water?

Now, why would someone...

Their tiny tongues are like knives.

Big mistake. Attacking me outside
school hours and property.

Legally, I can spank
your bare bottoms.

Follow me.

You can't hide forever,

and I'm a very patient man.

I once waited an hour
and a half for a haircut.

Whoa, what is this place?

Remember that time I was
carried off by groundhogs?

This is where I wound up.

Behold, an ancient subway station.

I never knew Springfield
had a subway.

It's like a Thomas the Tank
Engine we can go inside.

With no Sir Topham Hatt

to tell us what we can and can't do.

Which flavor do I save...

the Radical Red
or the Blueberry Blast?

Oh, curse this Squishee's choice.

I love watching you knit.

It reminds me of watching
pictures download

on our old dial-up modem.

Remember that day we brought
it home, and it was all...

eeee... ooo... eee... ooo.

Oh, my God, Homie,

we're having a real conversation.

Yeah.

Eeee.... ooo.

Oh, you won't believe
how I got home.

Don't know, don't care.

You don't even want to know
if I have anything to do

with this mysterious
seismic activity of late?

Nope.

I'm saving my yelling
for where it does some good.

Lisa!
You're a wonderful child!

Keep up the good work!

Thanks, Dad.

But you're so loud,
it's hurting my ears.

Sorry!

It's weird.

I just made an entire
town lose its lunch.

And?

And I'm not feeling the rush.

Tell me more.

Something's missing.

Am I broken?

Jump with me.

Bart, at the end of the day,

if your parents aren't p.o.'d,
you haven't really pranked.

- You got to take it up a notch.
- Really?

If no one's getting mad,
are you really being bad?

Think about it.

Wow.

I know.

The tremors are tearing her apart.

One more shake, and the whole
school could come down.

Seymour, do something.

Destroy the school, eh?

That's what I'm talkin' about.

Man, those textbooks really burn.

"Mom and Dad,

"Bart is going to use the old subway

to destroy Springfield Elementary."

And there's a map of the
subway system attached.

Homer, we've got to stop him.

But, Marge, I thought we were chilling
out for the sake of our marriage.

We're going to have
to be good parents to our son

and work twice as
hard on our marriage.

Fine.
I'll do both at once.

We should both take a
role in vacation planning.

Oh, she's coming down.

Oh, Lord, let me
finish this hallway,

then you can send me
to hell a happy man.

Bart!

Oh, there's a nickel.

Destroy. Destroy.

Boy, look at that ironwork.

Well, I'll be.
There's a sofa in here.

It's stuck.

Must... squeeze... harder.

Why you little....

The school is saved.

Unfurl the flag.

Mister, you are grounded.

And no TV.

And I'm taking all the exciting
colors out of your crayons.

And when you're out of my sight,
you must constantly Twitter me

exactly what you are up to,
even though

I don't know what Twitter is

and have no desire to find out.

Ah, you guys are
the meanest parents ever.

Thank you.

Life stinks, huh?

Totally.

Mom said she was tipped
off by a note from me.

But you know something?
I didn't write this note.

That's ridiculous.

If you didn't write it,
who in the world could have?

You wanted to get caught.

Really?

How can you be so sure?

Elementary, my dear Simpson.

Leave it to you to misspell a word

you see first thing every morning.

But don't worry.
Your secret's safe with me.

As far as Mom and Dad know,

you're just a soulless
little psycho.

- Thanks, Lis.
- Anytime.

So our family of the future

is once again together and happy.

Mom brings Dad the evening paper...

...one of six editions
printed daily.

Want to know what happened
in China yesterday?

Read the paper.

And if Mom and Dad want
a little privacy,

Junior can be flash-frozen
until further notice,

because this is the most
wonderful world of all...

the world of tomorrow.

Trad :
Skualler, Strex, Robot & Polok

Synchro : Job22

Relecture : Graou