The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 21, Episode 11 - Million Dollar Maybe - full transcript

Homer can't tell Marge he won the lottery because he was supposed to be giving a wedding toast when he bought the ticket. But Bart soon finds out where he's hiding the money and begins to blackmail him.

Season 21 - Episode 11
- Million Dollar Maybe -

You like potato.

And you like po-tah-to.

- You like tomato.
- And you like to-mah-to.

- Potato.
- Po-tah-to.

- Tomato.
- To-mah-to.

Let's call the whole thing off...

Ically on...

And toast Valerie and Dave.

Togasaki-rothman!

You guys will be the hit
of cousin Valerie's wedding reception!



Can I just ask,
who the hell says po-tah-to?

Songwriters who are stuck.

Homie, I'm still a little nervous

about performing in front
of all those people.

Don't worry, sweetie.
With me at your side,

our toast will do just
what it's supposed to:

Steal focus from the bride.

Why is everyone staring at static?

We don't have one

of those digital conversion gizmos.

I miss the history channel, damn it!

How else would I know
what I lived through?

Maybe I should go out
and get you guys a converter.

Aw, that's sweet!



Here's all the money we would've
given to televangelists.

Wow! How long has the tv been out?

'Bout ten minutes.

CLOSE-OUT SALE

DIGITAL TV CONVERTERS

Fore!

Oh, I feel like I'm mashing the tufty
on the links at St. Andrew's!

Sir, your cheeks are ruddy!

Did you eat a sugar cube
when I wasn't watching?

No, it's all thanks to this self-powered
experience approximater!

I've never seen
Mr. Burns this happy.

Just think what that game could
do for grampa and his friends!

Wait, I'm shooting at nazis?

That's not how I remember it.

See you at 5:00 on the dot.
Phone kisses!

- Homer's got a girlfriend!
- She's not my girlfriend.

She's a girl who I married,
who used to be my friend.

Hey, what's your fortune say?

"You will enjoy
the company of others."

Wow! That's exactly what
I'm enjoying right now!

Spooky.

Mine says, "Something
you lost will soon turn up."

My faith in the lord.
It came back!

"Today is your lucky day."
Yeah, pfft!

Hey, Homer, if I was you,
I wouldn't be so quick to say "pfft."

Yeah, these cookies are
on the up-and-up now,

according to the only
honest newspaper:

The Beijing daily worker. See?

If it's your lucky day, you'd be
a fool not to take advantage of it.

Hey, any part
of a cookie you can't eat

is just a waste of time.

What incredible good luck!

Just as the cookie foretold.

Maybe this is my lucky day.

A disc?!

Please be compact.
Please be compact!

Here we go.

Oh, what a lucky man.

He was.

I is!

Boo-weee-boo-weee-wee,
doo-doo-dee-dee-doo-doo.

Boo-weee-boo-weee-wee,
doo-doo-dee-dee-doo-doo.

Boo-weee-boo-weee-wee,
doo-doo-dee-dee-doo-doo...

Holy moly!

If it's your lucky day,

you'd be a fool not
to take advantage of it.

There's no time!

I need you for the wedding toast!

My hair!

Now let's get that ticket.

Come on, line, move!

Maybe it'll speed up if I make

"oh, can you believe this" noises.

Oh, for goodness sakes!

Thank you.
Come again.

Who is next?
Oh. Hello.

Yo no creía en fortunas,

pero entonces me
salió una galleta...

S?, s?.

...Que decía que hoy era
mi día dichoso.

Primero no lo creí,

Pero entonces me caí

Contra la máquina de dulces,
ay, ay, ay!

And now,

Valerie and Dave will
deliver their own vows,

because my vows, apparently,
weren't good enough.

Show me how it's done, Dave.

"Valerie, even though
you're a starbucks girl,

and I'm a Seattle's best guy,

I know we can focus on the things
we have in common

like Mad Men, season two!

I give it a year.

Homer! Where are you?

I'm almost there. I can see
the church steeple in the distance.

Here comes a train.

Tickets, please.

Hey, where's your ticket?

Leave me alone!

Why you little...

No, don't do it, sir!

He's strangling me!
I'm gonna choke!

Good evening, Mr. Homer,
how can I...?

No time to pretend we're friends!
Lotto me!

"1-6-17-22-24-35."

I did it!
I'm gonna make it!

You like potato...

You like tomato...

Potato...

Tomato...

Let's call the whole thing...

I'm a comin', Marge!

Let him go, Lou.

Someone going that fast
has no time for a ticket.

Okay, who's ready

for a wedding-themed
knock-knock joke?

Start the joke!

Um, knock-knock?

- Who's there?
- I don't know.

Did I hear "lettuce"?

Not from me, you didn't.

Lettuce who?

I don't know!

Don't drag your kid into this!

Lettuce...

congratulate the new couple.

Why won't she stop?!

There, there.
There, there, sweetie.

I'm gonna make it!
I'm gonna make it!

WHERE WERE U

I didn't make it?

Here I am, about to start
my new life in Springfield!

What an idiot!

This is the perfect time
for my catchphrase:

"Soon you will be mi..."

Homie?

Homie, can you hear me?

Oh, thank god, you're okay!

I'm alive!

And surrounded by the people
I love the most in the...

Could you scooch over a bit?

Our top story:

Last night's big lotto winner
has still not come forward.

Once again, those numbers are:

1-6-17-22-24 and 35.

A million dollars!

Now I'm really glad I didn't die!

The mysterious winner
purchased the ticket

at 7:07 last night.

7:07?

That's exactly the moment
I was furious at you

for missing our toast.

And now I'm the one who has to ask:

Can you forgive me?

Oh, I'll try.

Wait!

If I tell Marge I won,

She'll know I was buying the ticket

when I was supposed
to be onstage with her.

Oh, I'm rich and I can't
even tell my own wife!

Calm down, Homer.

Calm down.

Wow, I do look pretty
calm down there.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the orchard avenue kwik-e-mart,

birthplace of the yardstick
on the doorframe

that tells you how tall
your robber was,

is proud to announce its
latest lotto victor.

Mr. Barney Gumble!

That's right!
I bought the winning ticket!

And now I can buy
back all the blood I sold!

Actually, after taxes,
the amount you will receive is...

This money will go
to partially cover the cost

of a study to decide what
to do with the money.

Barn, thanks for picking
up the money for me.

Now, what should I buy first?

Hitler's baseball?

A mirror that gives me advice?

My advice is
to buy hitler's baseball.

Wait a minute, Homer!

You can't spend any of that money
or Marge will know you lied.

Oh, yeah.

- Marge, what are you doing?
- The laundry.

The machine's on the fritz,

and we can't afford
the $400 to fix it.

Here I am a millionaire,

and I can't even help
the woman who gave birth to me.

Why don't you just buy
things your family needs,

and leave them
where they'll find them?

Oh, Barney, that's brilliant!

Just for that, you can help yourself
to anything from this tree.

- That's not the money tree.
- I know.

It's where I hide
my adult magazines.

All right, it's all hooked up.

This isn't normal TV.

It's a video game that encourages
activity and exercise.

Please,
at least try the tennis game.

My puppet with this wand
I control it how...

by jumping?

You use the wand like a tennis racket
to hit an invisible ball.

Look at me!
I'm big bill tilden!

I think I'm looking at a poop later.

Catch, boy!

Oops, the frisbee went
into the bushes.

Why don't you go find it?

You threw it, you go find it.

Why, you little...

There's a big box in here!

A box? No way!

A new washing machine?

No way!

That's just what we need!

But how are going to get it home?

You, go rent us a truck.

And now, Marge's secret benefactor

is going to get her the luxury
she's always dreamed of:

A toaster wide enough for bagels.

I'll just take out a little
money from my "local branch."

Not as much money
as there used to be.

Homer?
What are you doing?

Why... I'm just...

There's money in this tree.
What the hell is going on?

Lenny... and Carl...

a fortune cookie...

and then I ran into
the candy machine,

and I found an emerson,
lake, and palmer...

and there was a...

Let me get this straight:

You got all this moola,
legitimately,

but you're too scared
to do anything fun with it?

Son, if I was interested in fun,

I would've run away
the day you were born.

Look, man, you've got
to enjoy yourself a little.

You work hard, or at least
you're out of the house a lot.

You're right.

I have been acting like
telethon Jerry Lewis

when I should've been acting
like rest-of-the-year Jerry Lewis.

Will you teach me how
to put myself first?

And how!

Not so fast!

Don't forget my cut.

- Your cut of what?
- I don't know.

I just go around saying that,
in the hope it'll be applicable.

I'll be on my way now.

On my way...

Wait!

I have to go to the bathroom!

So, where are you from, Homer?

Here.

Wait!

Yes, Homer?

Do you think you could use
someone like me in your band?

Yeah, come on up.
You can play the tambourine.

I said someone like me,
I didn't say me.

Here we go, folks,
the ultimate zero gravity experience!

Look at me!
I'm flying, like superman's dog!

Race you to the cockpit!

I'm gonna call you benson and hedges

'cause you're gettin' smoked!

Lisa, thanks to your new whatsis,
we're as fit as fiddles.

Nurse!

Another round of waters
in your finest paper cups!

I'm gonna need a little
ben gay for this shoulder.

I'd like a fresh pair
of socks tomorrow.

A matching pair.

I want to put salt on things!

Tell me what my name is!

Take away my roommate!
He's dead!

Folks, it's time for our final run.

No way!
I want to go a million more times!

Sorry, boy.
You have school tomorrow.

Rich kids don't need school!

When I grow up, you can buy an apartment
building and make me the super.

With that attitude, you'll never
super in one of my buildings!

Boy, I am through spoiling you.
First thing tomorrow,

you're going back to the rotten
life you've always enjoyed.

Oh, yeah?

If you don't keep
splashing the cash,

I'm gonna tell mom
that it's thanks to you

she made the first bad
wedding toast ever.

Blackmail your father
in space, will you?!

Why is the tv back on?
What happened to the video game?

Oh, the video game.

You'd think it'd be dishwasher safe,
but it wasn't.

Why would you put it
in the dishwasher?

You ruined it on purpose.

You want the old folks
to be zombies,

because it makes your jobs easier!

Ooh, excuse us.

We tried to make the worst job
in the world easier.

Well, I agree it's not the most
pleasant job in the world...

Don't forget the low pay and
the constant presence of death.

Well, you still should have
let them have their fun!

They should've had
their fun before they got here.

Who's ready for panini?

Up... that's my chair, boy.

No problem. I'll just sit here,
closer to mom's ear.

Mom, how do you think
we really got that panini press?

I thought the government sent it
to us as part of the stimulus package.

At least that's
what the letter said.

ENJAY!
THE GUMMINT

Well, actually, mom...

On second thought, boy,

Why don't you take my chair?

So, Bart, how's your big school
presentation coming along?

Oh, great, now that
dad's gonna star in it.

- I agreed to no such thing!
- Mom...

- Where and what time?
- Homeroom, 8:00 A.M.

- Never!
- Mom...

What do I wear?

Behold, neanderthal man,

our ugliest, stupidest ancestor.

Come on, missing link,
put on a show.

Make a fire!
Be scared of the fire!

Evolve! Evolve!

Get religious about a bird you see!

Sprain your ankle and know
it's a death sentence!

Very good, Bart.

Can I get extra credit
for a caveman break dance?

Of course.

Homer, I need you to rickshaw
me to soccer practice.

Fine.

Let me just get my harness pads.

No time.

Boy, this has gone too far!

I quit!
Soon as I finish these oats.

Let's not get crazy. If you quit,
I'm telling mom everything.

Not if I tell her first.

Now how am I supposed
to get to soccer practice?

Hey, Milhouse,
want a turn pulling my rickshaw?

Okay, but just 'cause
I'm your best friend,

don't be afraid to use that whip.

Okay, I'm taking off the blindfold.

Surprised?

Well, I kind of got a clue when
I heard that "ballooning safety" video.

Marge, soaring above
the forgiving beauty of nature,

I have something to confess.

I wasn't there
for that wedding toast because

I was buying a lottery ticket.

You were what?!

You have a right
to be angry. Furious!

And even though that ticket
won a million dollars...

We've got a million dollars?!

Screw the toast!

Uh, yes, well, um...

taxes took out a lot,

I spent a ton on those things
for the family, and, um,

I didn't know
you could rent a balloon.

So we're right back
where we used to be.

Yes, but I have one
more thing to show you.

Oh... My... God!
LOVE OF MY LIFE

Marge, those groves
of cherry blossoms

will bloom every year,

to remind the world of the sweetest,

most forgiving woman who ever lived.

Am I off the hook?

You like potato

And you like po-tah-to

You like tomato

And you like to-mah-to

So if you go for oysters

And I go for ersters

I'll order oysters

And cancel the ersters

For we know we need
each other, so we

Better call the calling off off

Let's call the whole thing off!

Traduction :
Strex, Skualler, Robot & Polok

Synchro : Job22