The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 20, Episode 9 - Lisa the Drama Queen - full transcript

Lisa and her new best friend create their own fantasy world, but Marge doesn't want Lisa to see her friend anymore after she finds out that they're too far gone in it.

(SINGING) The Simpsons

(SCHOOL BELL RlNGlNG)

(HORN BELLOWlNG)

(PLAYlNG DlFFERENT TUNE)

(TlRES SCREECHlNG)

(HONKlNG)

(TlRES SCREECHlNG)

D'oh!

(SCREAMS)

(BRAKES SCREECHlNG)

Worst couch gag ever.



Why do we have to go to the rec center?
I want to play with my friends!

When you're older,
you'll miss these fun activities.

You're older.
Why don't you do these fun activities?

Because no one's making me. Bye-bye!

(HOMER LAUGHlNG)

Welcome to Shaolin Kung Fu.
Ten thousand years of knowledge

will be passed along to those
whose parents have signed

a permission slip.

The rest of you have just purchased
very expensive pajamas.

(BOYS GROANlNG)

(SPEAKlNG HlNDl)

Pardon me, master.
But what does a big fat wad like you

know about Kung Fu?

Kung Fu is not about physique
but the channeling of one's energy,



or chi.

If you doubt my skill,
please feel free to attack at my signal.

(BOYS YELLlNG)

(JEFF GROANlNG)

My chi!

Do we have any more paints?
My orange isn't the orange of that orange.

-Just paint the damn fruit!
-Lower your expectations, Lisa.

Public program, public program.

TEACHER: Mmm-hmm.
Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

Stop! Stop! Juliet, this is terrible!

Your art is personal and wrong!

(lN BRlTlSH ACCENT) I was painting
with my heart. And if you look carefully,

you can see
that the knight is Josh Groban,

our young century's greatest vocalist.

Oh! Another Grobanite.

Excuse me. But I think
her painting is very imaginative.

I suppose you'd like to teach this class!

Yes, I would. Class, everyone, please
stop and admire Juliet's painting.

I do not need this!
My family owns a gas station!

If you two thoughtful and creative girls
don't like the way I teach,

there's a world of fun, outside.

See you!

(LlSA AND JULlET GlGGLlNG)

What are you staring at?
Everyone paint me twenty laps!

(STUDENTS GRUMBLlNG)

Come on, fatty! Keep up!

So how come I've never seen you around

the Janet L. Munoz Robbins
Rec Center before?

My father just took a position
at Springfield University.

Are your parents academics?

(GlGGLES NERVOUSLY) Kinda.
Let's do some Groban.

-(SlNGlNG) Everybody wants
-(SlNGlNG) Everybody wants

-To be understood
-To be understood

-Well, I can hear you
-Well, I can hear you

-Everybody wants
-Everybody wants

-To be Ioved
-To be Ioved

-Don 't give up
-Don 't give up

-Because you are Ioved
-Because you are Ioved

(DOG HOWLlNG)

I need some candy for a first play date,
but I don't want to come on too strong.

-M&M'S?
-Well, if I pick plain, she'll think I'm cheap.

But if I pick peanuts,
she may have an allergy.

-You just killed her, Bart!
-How about Charleston Chew?

What is this? Brooklyn in the fifties?
Don't just say stuff.

You ask for my help
then you don't want it.

Excuse me.
But why not consider an Almond Joy.

It looks like you only brought
something for yourself.

But then you just happen to have
two pieces!

Finally a real suggestion!

If she doesn't like coconut,
you're screwed!

Mmm.

Oh.

(GlRLS CHATTERlNG)

-Hi, Juliet.
-So what do you want to do?

I don't know.
It's been so long since I've had a play date.

Not that I couldn't get one if I wanted.

My parents bought me a membership card
to the Folk Art Museum.

Does it get you into special exhibits?

-On Wednesdays.
-(GASPS) That's today!

(WIPE OUTPLAYlNG)

(SINGING) Folk art

So Lisa asked if her new friend
could stay for dinner.

She's finally doing something
the book said she would.

Won't last.

(LlSA AND JULlET LAUGHlNG)

Hey, Mom. Can Juliet sleep over?

Are your parents okay with that?
They never met us.

We could be murderers.

Could've been, if we hadn't had kids.

Juliet's father is the world's foremost
John Grisham scholar.

He found several undiscovered plot twists
in The CIient,

and he proved that the real villain
in A Time to Kill

is the legal system itself.

Told you, Marge. Told you!

(BOTH SNlCKERlNG)

Now we need a name
for our imaginary kingdom...

I mean, queendom.

How about Equalia?

Equalia.

Where everyone is equal
but we're in charge.

I mean, somebody has to be, right?

Okay, you two. Lights out.

Lisa, do you want to be best friends?

Gosh, this is all happening so fast.

I don't know what to say.

-Say yes. Say yes.
-I'd love to!

(MARGE WHOOPlNG)

Good night, Lisa.

I have a best friend.

(LlSA GASPS)

-You heard me say that, didn't you?
-I did.

-We're still cool though, right?
-We are.

My best friend is so cool.

-Mom, I'm meeting Juliet after school!
-Great!

Here are a few best friend tips.
Compliment her hair and shoes.

If her dog bites you,
don't make a big deal out of it, and...

Friendship is like marriage.
The key is listening.

Also, if her dog bites you,
don't make a big deal out of it.

I just said that!

Okay, honey.
If it's that important to you, you said it.

(GROANS lN FRUSTRATlON)

We're at the end of chapter four.
But we need a grabber,

a whammy, a snapperoo,
some eye mustard!

I got it! How about this?

What if Queen Helvetica
found a rare two-horned unicorn?

A twonicorn!

Oh! I love your accent.

(lN BRlTlSH ACCENT) "Twonicorn."

You are definitely doing the book on tape.

And Queens Valedictoria and Helvetica

hid their beloved twonicorn
from the hungry ogre, Homeroni.

(BOTH LAUGHlNG)

Girls are so lame.

Isn't that right, headless Darth Vader?

What's that? You miss your girlfriend,

armless Malibu Stacy wrapped
in hockey tape?

(KlSSlNG)

Now, remember.
Juliet's family is very classy.

So be on your best behavior.

Use as many big words as possible.

I call "computer."
Bart, you can have "doorbell."

(EXCLAlMS)

Nice doorbell. Is it computerized?

-Hey, that was...
-Homer!

Well, we... I...

You come up with an excuse!

(BART EXCLAlMS lN PAlN)

Homer, isn't it wonderful
that my Juliet and your Lisa

have become such fast friends?

(LAUGHlNG) If you say so, m'lord.

-Dinner's ready.
-lf you'll show me to your bathroom,

I'd like to pretend to wash my hands.

New friendship, so full of promise.

Much like a young Mitch McDeere
in John Grisham's The Firm.

(MUFFLED) When they make
a movie from his books,

does he get one or two free tickets?

It depends on the production company.

"He had much to be happy about.

"A brilliant mind and a solid body
that did not gain weight

"and needed little sleep."

Attention, everyone.
Lisa and I would like to perform

a medley of Josh Groban's
12 most popular downloads.

Juliet, I'm worried this Josh Groban
is becoming a bit of an obsession for you.

Let's just listen
to James Horner's soundtrack

to The Pelican Brief, shall we?

Track three, Researching the Brief.

(RESEARCHING THE BRIEFPLAYlNG)

I hate track three! I hate it! I hate it!

(JULlET CRYlNG)

I'll go get her.

Hey, could you take a look
at a lump on my back?

-I'm not that kind of doctor.
-I get it. Here's 10 bucks.

DR. HOBBES: Mmm.

-That's chewing gum.
-What a racket.

Juliet, are you okay?

I am now. Don't you see them?

-See who?
-Our friends!

The lords and ladies of Equalia!

Juliet, you're scaring me just a little...

Oh!

Co-Queens Helvetica and Valedictoria,
we're so glad you're finally here.

I'm a giraffopus.
I'm uncomfortable in water and on land.

(GASPS) A twonicorn!

Toss me a treat!

(TWONlCORN GULPS)

I didn't know I could do that.

And now hit "shuffle" on the royal MyPod.

(SO SHE DANCES PLAYlNG)

(SINGING) So she dances

In and out ofthe crowd Iike a glance

This romance is

From afar calling me silently

These be mini-pizzas made
from dragon eggs, Your Majesties.

-Mom, please don't do that.
-Who is this mom of which you speak?

Mom, stop! This is our thing, not yours.

-I'm just trying to...
-It's better if you don't.

(MURMURS lN HURT)

Mr. and Mrs. Simpson,
we need to talk about Lisa.

She's unfocused, scribbling nonsense,
living in a world of her own.

(HOMER LAUGHlNG)

-Well, that's Bart for you.
-We're talking about Lisa, your daughter.

Seems like you and I are always
talking about Bart, my son.

Lisa has been seeing an awful lot
of her new friend.

Yes. The one I've seen
on Lisa's Facebook page.

I search all the children's Facebook pages
for unflattering references to me.

By the way, I enjoyed the
photos of your trip to Yosemite.

(LAUGHlNG) That. We were actually
just going out for brunch and I got lost.

But don't worry, Officer.
We'll definitely have a talk with the boy.

LlSA: I can't see Juliet anymore?

I thought you wanted me
to have a best friend!

There are limits to how much
two people should be together!

Well, you can't keep Juliet and me apart!
I'll...

-I'll disobey!
-I'm Bart Simpson's mother.

You think you've got any tricks
I haven't seen?

Bart Simpson, age three.

(LlSA GRUNTS ANGRlLY)

Bart Simpson, age ten.

(LAUGHlNG EVlLLY)

(CRASHlNG)

(SCHOOL BELL RlNGlNG)

(CHlLDREN CHATTERlNG)

Juliet, what are you doing here?

I'm running away.
And you're coming with me.

I'd love to!

But I'm supposed to attend
the model UN this weekend.

I'm the delegate from Azerbaijan,
and I'm threatening a rice tariff.

Lisa, I know how important
the model UN's work is.

But Equalia needs you. I need you.

Okay, best friend.

I remember when I was young
and I ran off to a land of equality.

(MAN COUGHlNG)

-Name.
-Dr. William McDougal.

From now on,
you're Groundskeeper Willie. Next.

This is where we'll live.

-How did you find this place?
-My family ate here last week.

It really went downhill fast.

But if you just believe,
anyplace can be Equalia.

Oh, no. Clam-Elot's is closed.

I'm not surprised.
Their clam chowder smelled like soap.

Yeah.

I wonder if Lisa has threatened
the model UN with her rice tariff yet?

I doubt it. Friday's usually
just committee assignments

and procedural rules.

(PHONE RlNGlNG)

-MARTIN ON PHONE: Mrs. Simpson!
-Hiya, Martin. How's the model UN?

Total chaos! We're two minutes away
from a roll call vote on a non-binding

resolution and no Azerbaijan!

(GASPS)

Are you saying Lisa's not there?

To the extent you can trust
the word of a Belgian, yes!

Lisa ran away! And it's all my fault!

If I'd just let her continue
her obsessive relationship

with that troubled little girl,
everything would've been fine.

If I know my sister, and unfortunately I do,

she probably ran off to
some lame-o make-believe castle.

A castle?

(GASPS) I know where they are!

-Wait!
-Hmm?

-ls it someplace I'd have to put on a tie?
-No.

Is it a place
I'd look overdressed if I did wear a tie?

You probably would.

What about a jacket
and jeans with a nice t-shirt?

Just go!

(HOMER EXCLAlMS)

You know what I think killed this place?

No one wanted to drive to the
middle of the forest for clams.

(CAR APPROACHlNG)

Let's go get my little girl.

(GASPS) My family's here!

MARGE: Hmm?

She's not here?

KEARNEY: Hmm?

(BOTH GASP)

Girls in our hideout?

Now they'll tell people where
we go to stash our stolen peaches!

And to wait out our bad haircuts.

We'd better tie them up.

This place is where we came
after my bar mitzvah.

You said you weren't having one.

It was just family.

All these pictures of seafood
are making me hungry.

We'll get some cream for the peaches
while you guard the prisoners.

Don't screw it up, butt brain!

At least my dad didn't smoke
after his stroke.

(DOOR CLOSlNG)

Juliet, I'm scared.

Shut your eyes and you'll be in Equalia.

Equalia is not real!

Maybe not. But it's better than this.

(LlSA SlGHS)

So the armies of the gnomes
and the elves faced off

on either side of the hollow,
broad axes poised.

With a fearsome cry, they raced towards

the center of the battlefield,
banners aflutter in the breeze!

What comes next?

A battle to determine the fate of Equalia.
But you wouldn't be interested.

I have a wide variety of interests.
Is there them dragon things?

Isn't that a little clich?d?

Yes! I mean, yes,
there are dragons, everywhere!

Green ones, Chinese ones,
chubby bald ones.

I like those ones! Tell me about those!

-"And so the queens..."
-And the Me Dragon.

"...danced the minuet of
equality on a gossamer dewdrop."

Aww.

(DOLPH EXCLAlMS)

What's going on here?

What's this?

An ambitious first novel
by the two brightest young writers

this side of the lowa Writers' Workshop.

I bet it'll burn up good.

(DOLPH AND JlMBO LAUGHlNG)

Put the book down!

Why should we, butt brain?

For Equalia!

(IN HER EYES PLAYlNG)

(SINGING) I am not a hero

I am not an angel

I am just a man

Man who's trying to Iove her

(DOLPH AND JlMBO GRUNTlNG)

-Well, it looks like we're safe.
-Looks like.

Juliet, I don't want to go
to Equalia anymore.

What do you mean?

It's a special place.
But I need to live in the real world.

The real world?

The real world is for people
who can't imagine anything better.

Goodbye, Lisa.

Goodbye, Juliet.

(SlNG-SONG) Cuckoo.

"We have received your manuscript,
The Chronicles of Equalia. "

Sounds promising so far!

"Unfortunately, it is not what
we're looking for at this time.

"Thank you for thinking of us."

(LAUGHlNG MEANLY) Rejected!

You got a letter all the way
from New York City,

and that's something.

And you know what else, sweetie?

You and your friend, Princess Nut Job,

inspired me to write
my own fantasy novel

based on my experiences as a dad.

Okay, "Chapter One..."

Uh... Uh...

Oh!

Writing is hard!

BART: Ladies and gentlemen, Fall Out Boy!

(FALL OUT BOY PLAYlNG
THE SIMPSONS THEME SONG)

ENGLlSH - US - SDH