The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 20, Episode 18 - Father Knows Worst - full transcript

It's dark.

Hot dogs, not so hot dogs!
- Cold and droopy!

Fried dough! America's worst
legal food! Never leaves your body!

Wow, the truth in boardwalking law
has really done a number on this place.

Shoot an oversized basketball
into an undersized hoop!

It's impossible! The prizes
have been here for 50 years!

Maybe we should just check
out the street performers.

Big deal! I could juggle six pins
if they let me use a unicycle.

Well, if you think it's too easy,
why don't you throw me something else?

Are you insane? You can't throw
a little boy into my cascade.

Stop tossing kids!



Oh, man, I love saturdays.

Man, I love saturdays.

Finally, I can have fun with something
I bought for myself: A new water heater.

Almost there.

Five more water heaters, and
we get a free water heater!

A mysterious door.

Hmm, it's like a sauna in here.

It is a sauna in here. Must have
been put in by a previous owner.

This house is full of surprises.
But this is the first good one.

I can't wait to tell everyone.

Oh, this is great, honey.

Thanks for telling me about it.

I hope you don't mind I invited lenny.

And I hope you don't mind
I invited carl and moe.



Yeah, you know, my invitation
Didn't say nothing about no towels,

So, I guess we should
all just go scandinavian.

Maybe I'll keep this to myself for a while.

Lamb kebab.

Chicken kebab!

Fire kebab!

Dad, no!
- Dad, yes!

Ow! Water!
- Thank you.

Why...

You...

Little...

Burn, Barty, burn!

I'm afraid his tongue will be
in that cast for a few weeks.

It may put something of a
cramp in your lovemaking.

No, it won't-- if he wants me to do
something, he'll just write it down.

What does it say? Is it complimentary?

Yeah, sure, it's complimentary.
- It is?

Hey, everybody, check out my compliment!

Now, Homer, how would you like
me to remove it: Yanky or peely?

Got it.

I held up two for "peely"!
- I thought that was a "y," for "yanky."

I'll make a note in your chart
that you aren't always clear.

Well, at least I can eat again.
Cherry.

Too much cherry!

Lemon. That'll stop the cherry.

Doctor, why is this happening to me?

Well, I do have an idea, but just to
be sure, let's run some expensive tests.

The fire burned off your old
taste buds, exposing new ones.

That'll be our christmas card this year.

Homer, you've become a super-taster. The
mildest spices will overwhelm your tongue.

Even a taco could drive you insane.

I can't eat tacos? Oh, my god.

What day of mayo is it?

Cinco.
- Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi!

Try these beets. I boiled all the red out.

I still taste overtones of pink!

Dad, I got the perfect thing.

It feels like food, but it
has no flavor whatsoever!

It's mac and cheese from the school
cafeteria: The blandest food known to man.

What else do they got?
- Tofu cubes, tidy joes.

Chili con cottage cheese, pecan blandies,
Cream of steam, you guess 'ems...

Man, who comes up with this stuff?

Old comedy writers who now
have to work at our kitchen.

The one rule we had on charles in charge,
is charles must always be in charge.

Oh, yeah, that makes sense to me.
- Good rule.

That's a great rule. Great rule.

Lunch card.

Lunch card.

Lunch card.
- Don't have one.

Dad, what are you doing here?

Son, from now on, I'm eating
all my meals here at school...

With you!
- What? No!

Oh, come on, relax. I won't embarrass you.

$3.85.
- Can I work it off?

Don't worry, I won't embarrass you.

I'll start you on jell-o.

I'm big and yellow and I'm servin' jell-o

if you're a fellow and you want some jell-o

you better bellow

hey, big guy, give me some jell-o.

Up-bup-bup-bup.

No jell-o for you, Bart.

It'll keep you up at night.

Like last week when you crawled
into bed with me and mommy.

Sure is hot back here.

And there we go.

Don't worry, I won't embarrass you.

I used to date your daughter.

Buddy, I'm here to eat, not
make interesting conversation.

Dad, do you have to hang out at my school?

It's bad enough I have to
be here three days a week.

Well, I know when I'm not wanted.

Am I wanted?
- No.

Hi, Homer Simpson. Mind if I
sit near your son? Mine sucks.

Well, we certainly are proud of
Noah. He's a straight-a student.

Noah, state capitals.
Alphabetical order, on my clap!

Albany! Annapolis! Atlanta! Augusta!

Austin! Baton rouge! Bismarck! Boise! Boston!

Capital city! Carson city!
- Wow! He's terrified of you.

That's why I'm here: To make
sure he gets good grades.

You come to school to
help him get good grades?

Isn't that why we pay public school
teachers those enormous salaries?

Well, call me over-involved, but someday,
your son will be my son's chauffeur.

Well, I hope your son enjoys being driven
around by the president of the United States.

Really? Let's see what the future
president's doing right now.

Yeah... You don't see
many presidents doing that.

Maybe I B.J., you know, at the end.
- It's not your son's fault, it's yours.

You have to hover over your kid's
shoulder to force him to succeed.

It's called "helicopter parenting."

I don't have to "helicopter" Bart.
I've got a backup plan called "Lisa."

Oh, right, your second grader.

Sure, she's smart, but how can she
be successful if she's not popular?

Do you mind if I join you?
- Well, that depends. What are you eating?

Baked potato, side salad and a...
- Well, we're having cold shoulder.

Is this seat taken?

No, go ahead, take it.
Take it way over there.

Oh, my god! My son's a loser
and my daughter's a loner!

Way to go, Marge!

Marge, where have you been?
- Well, I, uh...

No time. I'll just deduce where you were
from a list of possibilities in my head.

That makes sense. Moving on.

If we don't get more involved in their
lives, Bart and Lisa are going to be failures.

Failures who work for... Noah!
- "Noah." I like that name.

No-ahhh. Noah. Noah!

Aren't you the one who
usually worries about stuff?

Am I?

If Marge doesn't worry about
the kids, then that leaves... Me!

Help me, mayonnaise!

Look at all these helicopter parents.
I hope Bart's doing okay on his own.

There's no future in that!

Don't forget, children, monday is the
Balsa-Wood model-building competition.

The american Balsa council
will award this year's winner

a $1,000 savings bond for
their college education.

A thousand dollars?! That's
what my house is worth!

Bart simpson, what will you be making?
- I don't know.

Time to take control of my son's life.

Let's see. What can he build?

Too obvious.

Got to be something from earth.

You're no help.

Perfect!

"The Washington monument"?
- Washington monument.

I like Bart's idea.
- You're not in this class.

Willie swept me in here.
- My mistake.

I did it! I helped my son!
Helicopter Homer away!

Black hawk down! Black hawk down!

Lisa, I found this book in the "What's wrong
with my daughter" section of the bookstore.

It tells you how you can get popular.

Dad, if I join a clique, I'll
be the kind of person I hate.

Sweetie, our country was founded by
a clique: The continental congress.

Dolphins swim in cliques.
Those are my two examples.

Well, they are good ones.

And to show you how this book works,
I will demonstrate on some rats.

Let's try what chapter seven calls
"un-sults," insults disguised as compliments.

Hey, lenny.

It takes a lot of courage to wear
suspenders when you're not in the circus.

Well that's very nice of you... Hey!
You saying my clothes are clown-like?

Oh, god, I feel so insecure.
Please be my friend.

See, it works.
And un-sults are just the beginning.

There's also envy-tations, hate-hugs,
spamming with faint praise and...

Hey, everyone, want to go get frozen yogurt?
- Yeah! I do! Yeah! Oh, yeah!

Ooh, I'm sorry, moe.
I didn't mean "everyone" everyone.

Hope you don't mind.
- No, that's all right.

If I didn't sell booze, they
probably wouldn't even come here!

And that, my dear girl, is
called the toledo take-back.

Dad, I don't want to hurt people's feelings.

I see. Well, maybe you're
not ready for this book.

It is more of a big girl thing.
- I'm a big girl! I'm a big girl!

One of you said something
bad about the other.

He did?! He did?!

Son, you buy an awful lot of airplane
glue, but you never buy any models.

Oh, right, models.

One messerschmitt M.E. 262, A '67 S. GTO, an
Alfred E. Neuman with interchangeable arms.

We'd like some Balsa wood, please.
- Enough to build a washington monument.

What scale are you using?
- What cologne are you wearing?

None of your business!

Now we'd like our Washington monument
to be 1/500 the size of the real one.

Washington monument?
Aren't you going to even try?

What do you mean? And who are you?
- I'm your son's principal.

And the washington monument is the
most uninspired model choice there is.

It's like saying, "I don't
care. My kid's a loser."

But! You... What's the
hardest model there is?

That would be Westminster Abbey.

Attention parents, children and childless
weirdoes! My son and I are going to build....

Westminster Abbey!

You've got to be crazy!
- Prepare to be frustrated!

You won't get past the north transept!

Hey, how hard can it be? All we
have to do is follow the directions.

Marge, the boy and I will
be making Westminster Abbey.

Blabby's gonna build an abbey. Groovy.

But first, as part of operation
popularity, Lisa and I are hosting

a decorate-your-own-cell-phone
party in the back yard.

Brittany and kaitlin are here!
Where's my spray-on tan?!

"Ant poison"?

Why do I always read the labels after?

Ladies, we've got it all.
Rhinestones, stickers, tassels...

Everything to make those hundred-dollar
phones look like five-dollar toys.

Lisa, this party is twisted!
- You're fierce!

I've never been called "fierce" before.
"Strident, hectoring" has been tossed around.

Let me take a picture
of you for my cell phone.

I'll put you on my desktop!

I'm going to make you my friend on facebook. Please confirm.
Confirm.

I am such a great parent to both my kids.

Hello, little girl.
Who do you belong to?

Hey, boy, why don't I do that for you?
- Isn't this supposed to be my project?

All the other parents are
doing it for their kids.

Now stand back and I'll take it from here.

A little further back.

Do you want me to watch and learn?
- Naw, that kind of creeps me out.

Must finish poet's corner or Bart
will work for Noah with his hot mom.

Oh, that's not henry the
seventh, it's henry the sixth!

Stupid, stupid, stupid!
- Homer.

Don't give up till you finish my dear Abbey.
- Geoffrey chaucer?!

What are you doing here?
- Well, I'm buried here.

And I want to tell you, you're
right to do all Bart's work for him.

It's the best thing for the boy.
- That's terrible advice.

Anne of cleves!

What you do for your son,
he'll never learn to do for himself.

And where is this delightful boy?
- Oscar wilde?

Homer, there are only two tragedies in life:

One is not getting what one wants,
and the other is getting it.

But that makes no sense.

"Experience" is simply the name
we give to our mistakes.

Shut up!

These days, man knows the price of
everything and the value of nothing.

Whatever happened to "boo?"

Now we could smash the real
Westminster Abbey so it looks like this.

There are no flights to london till 5:00.

Welcome to springfield
elementary's next top model...

building contest.

Kenny, he said your show.
- I watched it once!

Now, judges, Start your nodding.

Flawless. Stunning.
Awe-inspiring. Meticulous.

Skinner!

These models are clearly
the work of meddling parents.

The only entry that repels my eye enough
to be constructed by a student is this one.

Congratulations, son.
At least you followed the rules.

Yes! Yes! In your face, losers!
This helicopter is taking off!

No! Stop the hovering!

I didn't make this terrible model.
My dad did.

Why can't you guys let us
do things for ourselves?

In the words of Oscar Wilde, "Experience
is simply the name we give to our mistakes."

I saw him too, dad.
- I'm sorry. I got carried away.

From now on, the only thing I'll ever
do for you is cosign if you want a gun.

At least I made Lisa popular.

"I h-8 this?"

I'm sorry, dad.

These girls are nice on the surface,
but it's hard work staying this shallow.

I hope you understand.
- Yeah, it's clear to me now.

The best thing I can do as
a parent is simply check out.

No, there's a middle ground.

Lisa, a light bulb is either on or it's off.
- Not if you use a dimmer switch.

That's what the dimmer switch
companies want you to think.

What's wrong, homie?
- I tried to fix the kids' lives,

but instead I led them to rich and
rewarding personal decisions of their own.

Well, I know a place in this
house where you can really relax.

The mattress the dog sleeps on in the cellar?
- No, I gave that to the homeless shelter.

It was stuffed with cash!
- Well, I'll make you forget all about it.

Feeling better, super dad?
- Oh, yeah.

I feel like I've died and gone to hell.