The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 20, Episode 17 - The Good, the Sad and the Drugly - full transcript

- Did you unscrew the Phillips heads?
- Check.

- Did you unscrew all the flat heads?
- Yep. And now we wait.

Now, go hide the evidence
while I walk around saying:

"What happened?
Who would do such a thing?"

I'll return these to the shop room....
What's left of it.

- Don't tell him I'm here.
- I know you're there, Skinner!

I'd recognize those discolored
Hush Puppies anywhere.

Hear that? He thinks
my Try'N'Save brand Shush Mutts

are genuine Hush Puppies.

We've got the "how,"
and we've got the "who,"

but not the "why."



Here it is.

Hard to believe one lad
can cause all this mayhem.

Particularly a lad who failed
"Introduction to Unscrewing."

And I don't buy
this "lone prankster" theory.

I think there was a second "funman."

And if you don't identify him,
you're looking at a week's suspension.

A nickel?

You realize, if you're suspended,
you'll be missing...

Taco Wednesday.

Crunchy shell, ground beef,
lettuce,

mild sauce, and of course,

shredded cheddar cheese!

I'll never tell.

Then consider yourself suspended,
mister.



Willie, take him to the big house...
where he lives.

Let's go, lad.

Suspended boy walking!

Thanks for not selling me out.

This really sucks, Bart.

I'm grounded, and spend all day
listening to my dad

yell at "Mad Money"
with Jim Cramer.

You said tech stocks
were bulletproof!

Look, I gotta go.

But don't worry,
I'll visit you every day. I promise.

Bart, you're a true friend.

I'm glad they suspended Milhouse.

He's a bad influence on you.

You know, I think
Milhouse is El Barto.

And now,
you're gonna visit your grampa

while I park around the corner
and take a nap.

So, Grampa,
not like I'm anxious to go,

but I've been here 10 minutes,

which is like 7 hours in kid years.

It's her! The little girl
who doesn't recoil at the sight of us!

Hi, guys.

I brought cookies.

Chocolate chip for Donald,
low sodium for Abe,

not-made-by-immigrants for Sam

and imaginary for Major Preston.

With this cookie I can buy back
Private O'Malley from the Zulus.

I think it is so cool
what you're doing.

So, what's the gag?
You put ex-lax in the cookies,

then just sit back
and watch the fireworks?

- I would never do that.
- Oh, right.

I was thinking of other things
that are hilarious.

Like. Things that you think
are funny.

Those are funny.

- I'm Bart.
- I'm Jenny.

She had more curves
than a Hot Wheels track.

Well, she didn't yet,
but she would after puberty.

Oh, my God.
How long was I zoned out?

Bart, this is my Aunt Belle.
We dress alike. Isn't that cute?

Math, done. Pine cone, collected.

Permission slip, signed.

Now, time for a break.
A little social studies.

"What will Springfield be like
in 50 years?"

Let's see what the computer says.

That's horrible. What else?

Oh, my God!

It just gets worse and worse.

So, who's the special someone?

Jenny. Fifth grade girl.

She gets to use the real scissors.
Nice.

When she talks to me,
I feel like a better person.

Powerful stuff.
You'd better claim her as your own.

Punch her in her arm,
or if you're really serious,

stick gum in her hair.

Here, I always come prepared.

Take two.
You might get lucky.

- Hey, Jenny.
- Hi, Bart.

Boy, you make it look effortless.
And that kid's giving you zero pump.

You know what a girl likes to hear.

Seal the deal!
Punch her! Punch her!

Punch her!

Do you want to go on a picnic tomorrow?
You'd love my PB and J.

The secret is, no PB, double J.

It's a date.

- Willie, I've got a girlfriend!
- Really?

Well, I do, too!

She's... a bikini model from Sweden.

That's great.

Willie, darling, come back to bed.

- Don't you love me?
- Don't compete with my job, Inga.

You'll never win.

And now, Ralph Wiggum
will read his essay

on "Springfield in 50 Years."

"In 50 years,
the vacuum cleaner will be quiet

and not scary."

Next, we have Lisa Simpson.

Ralph, how I envy your optimism!

There is no Springfield,
50 years in the future!

With global warming trapping the CO2
inside our poisonous atmosphere,

our super-heated oceans will rise,
drowning our lowlands,

leaving what's left of humanity

baking in deserts
that once fed the world!

And in the new Nineveh,
darkness falls.

Lisa, your outburst was either a sign
of deep emotional imbalance,

or a passionate response
to a sobering truth.

Luckily, the treatment for both
is intensive therapy.

What's therapy going to do for me
when the world is in ashes?

I don't know.
But when you go,

could you return
this Sports Illustrated for me?

Someone must have...
put it in my bag.

They do that, you know.
They're always putting things in my bag!

So, you visit old folks,

How else do you make the world
a better place?

I spend a lot of time
working with a mentally-challenged guy.

Wait, here he is now!

- Lookin' good, Homer!
- Boy.

- He seems pretty high-functioning.
- Just wait.

Don't shake your fist at me!

I don't want any trouble.

Come on. Here, just take my wallet.
Leave me alone, okay?

Do you know who else
was really into rowboats? Jesus.

And he could've turned his rowboat
into a jet ski,

but he didn't. Good guy.

Cheese and crackers! Look!

You want your duckling back?
Here it is.

Psych!

That'll teach you to match wits with us,
you stupid mother duck!

Bart, can't you do something?

Those bullies are gonna kill me!
Why am I doing this?

Please, give me a break.

Give me the duckling
without beating me up.

Well, we'll have to beat you up
a little.

Come on.
I'm trying to impress a girl.

So are we.

Either the duck suffers
or the kid does.

Or none of you's getting nothing
from Shauna.

I'm Shauna.

Bart, if those ducklings
understood how magnificent you were,

they'd stop biting your leg.

We believe Lisa is suffering
from Environment Related Despair.

It's even worse
when you know it has a name.

Now don't worry, she'll be fine
after years of expensive treatment.

And, we have a new drug
to combat this syndrome:

Ignorital.

Let me show you how Ignorital works.

It turns this... to this.

Lisa's a little young
to be taking "happy pills."

Marge, we came to an appointment
in the middle of the day!

That's the most a parent can do.

- We done here?
- Go ahead... numb me.

Mom, can I get those dishes
for you?

- What's your angle, mister?
- No angle.

If this girl I'm seeing
comes here, and she might,

I wouldn't mind if you told her
I was the kind of boy

that does the dishes.

Yeah, busboys get all the chicks.

Well, off to school

where they'll prepare our little minds
for a future we'll never see.

Sounds like someone's got
a case of the Mondays.

I'm going to Dizzyland.

So, this is setting the table!

If I'd known how easy this was,
I'd have just done it,

instead of throwing
all those tantrums.

Bart, I don't care
that this is just an act.

You've finally become the boy
every mother dreams of.

A girl.

You never told me
that the "special" man

you were working with
is your father.

It's not an easy thing to admit.

Is the rest of your family... okay?

Well...

Hello, Smiley Face.

Hello, Smiley Face!

Officer down.

Jenny, it's amazing
what you've done with my son.

Well, I think Bart
is an incredible combination

of Habitat For Humanity
and the Jonas Brothers.

And nothing can ever change
my opinion about him.

We don't have any money!
Go away!

May I de-corn your cob, my darling?

Why didn't you come
to visit me, Bart?

Yeah, I meant to,
I've just been so busy.

My schedule has been
all like... "Rooo!"

But what could be more important
than your best friend?

Who's this, Bart?

I see how it is.

Actually, I don't.
My glasses are fogged.

I learned some great new swear words
from my uncle.

He's got a broken back,
so he's in constant pain.

Bart?
Would you be interested in swears?

Yes, because only by knowing them

can you prevent bad little kids
from saying them.

What do you want?

I want to know why my best friend
didn't visit me like he said he would.

Milhouse, real best friends
often don't speak for years at a time.

Like John Adams
and Thomas Jefferson.

Just because you saw one episode
of one mini-series

doesn't mean you get to use it
as a whip.

Look, man,
I have to keep my dark past hidden.

There's someone new in my life, now.

I get it. It's love.

- I guess you found your Abigail Adams.
- My who?

So I'll be on my way.

I can see I'm the fifth wheel

on this bicycle
with training wheels.

But the next time I see you two,

I might not be able
to hold my tongue.

It's really quite difficult.

Reverend, care for some
of my devils food cake?

Is that really devils food?

No, it's angel food
with chocolate on top.

I knew it.

Sorry I'm late.

I didn't realize you had to turn
the oven on to bake stuff.

So, Jenny, I hear you're religious.

Know what my favorite book
of the Bible is?

Revelations.

Mine, too.

Bart, we should take Milhouse
on our trip to juice country.

Are you nuts?
Milhouse will spill everything.

By which I mean juice, not secrets.

Yeah, you guys don't want me there.

But I'm sure
we'll see each other soon.

Bart, you look tense.
Have a cookie.

If you don't stop smiling,

you're gonna get a kiss.

That's it!
We're getting you off the meds.

We should be safe from Milhouse, here.
Being at sea level gives him nosebleeds.

Milhouse is funny.

The way he's always shaking me
by the shoulders

and saying:
"I don't know the real you."

Funny.

I'm tired of talking about Milhouse.

Hello, Bart.

Surprised to see me at sea level?

You can't bleed out your nose
when your heart's broken.

Milhouse, could you stop being creepy
for just a minute?

Jenny, do you see
how the dolphin in that tank

seems to shy away from Bart?

Why might that be?

I can't take the pressure anymore.
I have to come clean.

I'm only pretending to be good.

Before I met you, I was
El Barto, Skinner's Bane,

the Sultan of Spitwads,
the Dean of D-minus, the Ay Carumba Kid!

But now, I'm good
because you turned me good.

Isn't that all that matters?

Are you saying
our entire relationship

is based on lies?

Not our entire relationship.
Just the stuff I said.

I can't believe she dumped me.

Son, girls come and go.

But you'll always have your family!

I know, I know!

- Hit me again, 'Pu.
- Whatever you are looking for,

it is not at the bottom
of a 512-ounce cup

of Shrek Berry Blast.

What is at the bottom
is the "Stump Shrek Trivia Quiz"

which, if answered correctly,

entitles you to ten percent
of any Shrek DVD...

except the first two.

Bart, in my concurrent adventure,

I learned a really important lesson:

you can't wallow in despair.

Face things as they really are.

You're right.
I've gotta straighten this out.

How much for these roses?

Ten dollars.

What happened to my roses?
You said you'd watch 'em.

No such conversation took place.

What am I gonna put
on my Grandma's grave?

How about this standee
from last year's Super Bowl?

Sold.

Grandma, a lot has happened:

I went to a condo presentation,
I put down my deposit,

but then they lost
funding mid-project.

That crane just sits there every day.
Rusting.

I'm so sorry I've tried to deny
who I really was. You deserve better.

I'll never hurt you again.
Can you forgive me?

I was born forgiving you.

You've always been here for me.
I'll never turn my back from you again.

Punch him! Punch him!

Punch him!

What do you say to make up prank?

Smooth and slippery.

Thank you, Zamboni King.

Happy to oblige.

Cue music.

And cue snow.