The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 2, Episode 9 - Itchy and Scratchy and Marge - full transcript

When Maggie attacks her father,Psycho-style with a mallet,Marge blames the violent TV cartoon series 'Itchy and Scratchy' and gets it banned. Children,released from the spell of constant television viewing,learn to play outdoors again. However when Marge refuses to condemn Michelangelo's David as obscene she is branded a hypocrite and the cartoon is restored.

A dash of rosemary, a smidgen
of thyme, a pinch of marjoram.

Marge, you make the best
pork chops in the world.

They're nothing special.
The extra ingredient is care.

A sprinkle of chervil, half a teaspoon
of turmeric and a whisper of MSG.

-I'm gonna build you a spice rack!
-Don't go to all that trouble for me.

It's no trouble!
I've got a garage full of tools.

Hey, kids! I spy Itchy and Scratchy
off the port bow!

-Down in front!
-Shut up, boy.

They fight and bite
Fight and bite and fight

Fight fight fight, bite bite bite
The Itchy and Scratchy Show

I knew this stuff
would be handy.



Let's see now, here it is.
The Complete Handyman's Bookshelf.

"Volume One: Spice Racks."

"Pick up a hammer."

Not as easy as I thought it was.

Wow!

-Dad, can you move your head?
-I can't. It's broken.

Where would a child get the idea
to attack her father with a mallet?

No, Maggie! Bad baby!

Keep her away!
She's got that crazy look again!

So television's responsible.

We were watching that.

You won't be watching any more.
Ever!

But if you take them away, we'll grow
up without humor and be robots.

Really? What kind of robots?



I heard about the cartoons.
Tough break.

Thanks, Nelson.

What if you watch it
over at my house?

Hey, that's just crazy enough
to work.

You heard me. I won't be in for
the rest of the week.

I told you. My baby beat me up.

It is not the worst excuse
I ever thought up. Wise guy.

I wonder why the kids
are late getting home.

-How come you can watch cartoons?
-Because.

-Because why?
-I said so.

-You said so why?
-I'm trying to work.

-What are you doing?
-Cataloging the violence.

I don't think adults have ever
sat down and watched them before.

What kind of warped human being
would find that funny?

They think this is suitable
for younger, impressionable viewers?

-Yeah, what are you gonna do?
-I'll tell you. I'll write a letter!

Dear Purveyors of Senseless Violence:

I know this may
sound silly at first...

...but the cartoons you show
to our children...

...are influencing
their behavior negatively.

Please tone down the violence
in your otherwise fine programming.

Yours truly, Marge Simpson.

Take a letter. "Dear Valued Viewer:

Thank you for your interest
in our program.

Enclosed is an autographed photo
of America's favorite cat and mouse.

As to your comments, research shows
one person can't make a difference...

...no matter how screwy she is.

-So, let me close by saying...."
-"And the horse I rode in on"!

I'll show them
what one screwball can do!

Everybody's looking at us, Marge.

That's what we want them to do, Homer.

How long are we gonna do this?

I've never changed the world.
I don't know how long it takes.

-lf people take an interest--
-Hello, Marge!

-What is "S-N-U-H"?
-Snuh.

It's "Springfieldians for Nonviolence,
Understanding and Helping."

It's a crusade
against cartoon violence.

I can protect my kids, but many others
are being warped each afternoon.

That reminds me. I've got to get
to Milhouse's to play.

-All right.
-I'm going to Janey's.

We'll be making
the most of our childhood years.

-Have fun.
-We will.

What happens when a child has insanely
violent role models like these?

The answer is all around you.

How many of you were hit
with mallets last week?

I didn't know they made
TV dinners this bad.

-Can I watch cartoons?
-No.

-There's peas in my cobbler.
-They're everywhere.

-I guess I'll go and watch cartoons.
-No! I'm sorry about the dinners.

-I'll make up for it.
-Who's up for cartoons?

-No one!
-All right.

Tomorrow, how about making
your patented pork chops?

Sure! Oh, dear, I can't. I've got
three protest rallies tomorrow.

Twenty million women,
and I had to marry Jane Fonda.

Hi, kids! Guess what, Sideshow Mel.

-It's time for Itchy & Scratchy!
-Boo!

Hey! Settle down, boys and girls.

Or Krusty will bring out his friend
Corporal Punishment again.

Please, stop it.

-Who are you people?
-What do we want?

Less violence in
kid's programming!

-When do we want it?
-Now!

They're ruining the show!

Stop! Please, stop!

Please, lady, be quiet!

I'm trying to earn a living here,
all right? Stop!

That woman.
That screwball, Marge Simpson.

We've got to stop her. How?

-Drop an anvil?
-Hit her with a piano?

Stuff her with TNT,
throw a match and run?

All your degrees and that's
the best you can do? You make me sick.

Less violence
in children's programming!

-When do we want it?
-Now!

Less violence
in children's programming!

-When do we want it?
-Now!

I'm so funny!

Some of these are good. I never knew
mice lived such lives.

So much brutality.
I don't know if I'm having any impact.

Don't do that!

Hey, don't do that!

Take that, you dumb squirrel!

Where do they get their ideas?

What is it? What? Smartline?

Yes, I've heard of your late-night
panel discussion show. I'd love to!

Smartline! With our local
Emmy-winning host, Kent Brockman.

I'm Kent Brockman.
Welcome to another Smartline.

Are cartoons too violent? Most people
say, "No! What a stupid question!"

One woman says yes.
She's here tonight. Marge Simpson.

There she is!

Also with us for
this animated discussion...

-...are Roger Myers--
-Thank you.

--Krusty, whose program brings us
Itchy & Scratchy every afternoon....

Hi, Kent!

And, joining us via satellite
from Vienna, the home of Freud...

...to give insight into the mind,
Dr. Marvin Monroe.

Let's see what this is about.

Here's an example of the work
being made at I & S Studios.

Hilarious. What's wrong with that?

-Nothing's wrong with it.
-Excuse me!

-He's asking me.
-I know. Nothing's wrong with it.

-It's a bad influence on children.
-Give me a break!

That is baloney. And here's why:

I did some research
and discovered a startling thing.

There was violence in the past,
before cartoons.

Fascinating.

There was the crusades.
Tremendous violence! Many killed!

-It went on for 30 years.
-This was before cartoons?

That's right, Kent.
So much for your viewpoint.

Dr. Monroe, would you care to comment?

To me, the high jinks
of comic characters...

...pales in comparison with
the problems I run into everyday.

I'm referring to women who love too
much, fear of winning, sex-aholism.

So you have no objection
to Itchy & Scratchy?

No, not at all.

One of my guilty little pleasures
is to turn on Itchy & Scratchy...

...and laugh myself silly.
What's wrong with that?

Not a thing.
Now, for another opinion.

Hi, kids!

Please. This is your chance to
participate in a serious discussion.

I'm sorry, Kent. It's just when
the camera gets on me--

-Krusty!
-Sorry.

We won't settle this tonight.

Mrs. Simpson, in the nine seconds
left, can you summarize your position?

I'd ask the parents
concerned about this to write in.

Let the cartoon makers
know how you feel.

I don't believe it. "I won't
watch your show, buy your products...

...or brake if I see you
crossing the street."

Wow, that's cold.

"Dear Sleaze Merchant. "
Now, come on, that hurts.

Gentlemen, the screwballs have spoken.

Hello?

-Is this Marge Simpson?
-Yes.

The Marge who fixed it so cartoons
can't be violent?

Yes.

This is Myers with the writers.
How do we end this picture?

What's the problem?

-Itchy stole Scratchy's ice cream--
-Make it a pie. Easier to draw.

Okay, a pie.

Scratchy is understandably upset.

We figured he'd grab Itchy...

-...and toss him in acid.
-Oh, dear.

But we thought it might be violent,
which is wrong now, thanks to you.

What's your idea?

-How do we end this?
-Let's see....

Couldn't Itchy share his pie with
Scratchy? Then they'd both have pie.

It's different, I'll give you that.

A tool every handyman needs.
It's a jigsaw! A drill!

It's an asphalt spreader!
It's 67 tools in one!

-How much would you pay for all this?
-$1000!

-Don't answer yet.
-Sorry.

-You also get--
-I was watching that!

-Time for Krusty.
-We can watch cartoons?

-Yes, dear. All you want.
-All right!

-Turn it up!
-Hey kids! Time for Itchy & Scratchy!

They love, they share
They share and love and share

Love love love, share share share
The Itchy & Scratchy Show!

Lemonade?

-Please.
-I made it just for you.

You are my best friend.

Itchy and Scratchy
have lost their edge.

It's a nice message of sharing.

I think it sucks.

Thank you, Maggie.

-This hits the spot.
-Doesn't it?

-You make good lemonade.
-Thank you, Itchy.

Wasn't that funny, boys and girls?
Well? Wasn't it?

Aren't you going to watch the rest?

-No. Come on.
-Maybe there's something else to do.

But the third bowl of porridge
was just right.

Hi, kids!

What? Is this Saturday?

What did you kids do today?

We went fishing.
Almost caught a catfish this big.

I went bird watching
and saw a grackle.

That's nice, dear.

-Let's finish our soapbox racers.
-Okay.

-May we please be excused?
-Sure.

Wow! What great kids.
This is the golden age, Marge!

The parents owe it all to you.

I didn't expect things
to change this much.

I always knew you'd make
the world better.

This will be the art event of the
century! Michelangelo's David...

...on a tour of the U.S.

Which cities will be
in your itinerary?

-New York, Springfield--
-Yes?

If we have time,
Chicago, Boston, Los Angeles.

-Marge, get the door.
-What in the world?

Get dressed, Marge. Lead our protest
against this abomination.

That's Michelangelo's David.
It's a masterpiece.

Filth. It portrays parts of the body
which, though practical, are evil.

-I like that statue.
-I knew she was soft on nudity.

Come on, girls.

What is this?
What do you want?

We want your big Italian butt
out of here!

Smartline. With our local host,
Kent Brockman.

A masterpiece?
Or just a guy with his pants down?

That's our topic tonight.

-Why are you against the statue?
-I'm not. Everyone should see it.

-Aren't you Marge Simpson, the wacko?
-Yes and no.

How can you be for one form of
expression, like our naked friend...

...and be against another form,
like Itchy & Scratchy?

-Good question.
-Well, I guess I can't.

It's a shame.
I hate those cartoons.

What do you say to those out there
who wish to suppress David 's doodle?

I don't know. One person can make
a difference but probably shouldn't.

Well, I guess that settles that.

We will be ending early tonight.

Tomorrow our topic will be "Religion:
Which Is the One True Faith?"

-There he is, Michelangelo's Dave.
-David.

-What's wrong, Marge?
-Oh, Homie.

The kids have a chance
to see great art.

But they're watching a cat
and mouse disembowel each other.

Don't worry, Marge.

Soon every kid in school is going
to come and see this thing.

-Really? Why?
-They're forcing them!

Well, isn't that nice?

Sync, Edited, Checked by Ikatz