The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 2, Episode 6 - Dead Putting Society - full transcript

CHOIR SINGS:
The Simpsons

Dead Putting Society

[BELL RINGS]

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

[LISA PLAYS SAXOPHONE SOLO]

Bust my hump aII week. Stupid grass!
Supposed to be the boy's job.

Now, Homer, Bart's working
on his science project.

You heard the Iady, Homer.
So pIease mow quietIy. Genius at work.

One o'cIock. StiII just a potato.

Hey, neighbor. The Lord's
given us a beautifuI day, huh?

Hi, FIanders.



-Doing yard work?
-Who toId? Marge, beer me.

Say, Simpson, I've got
some time-reIease granuIes. . .

. . .that'II get rid
of that crabgrass in haIf a jiff.

Crabgrass?
What are you taIking about? Where?

There, there,
and there's a big patch over there.

There's nothing wrong with crabgrass.
It just has a bad name.

Everyone wouId Iove it
if it was caIIed ''eIfgrass. ''

-You may be right.
-Where's my Duff?

-We're aII out.
-D'oh!

WouId you Iike fruit juice?

-Don't toy with me, woman.
-CouIdn't heIp overhearing.

I've got suds in the rumpus room,
if you'II join me.

Okay, what the heck.
I've earned a IittIe break.

HoIy moIy, it's beautifuI!



This is your first visit
to our homestead, eh?

We've onIy been neighbors for one,
two, three, four-- Eight years.

There's my IittIe popcorn baII.
Kissy, kissy.

HeIIo, sponge cake. In case you're
hungry, I made cIub sandwiches.

-Ain't she wonderfuI?
-Forgetting something?

Your beer. Is draft okay?
Just put in the tap Iast week.

-This is a tasty Iager from HoIIand.
-Beggars can't be choosey.

Dad, thanks for heIping me
with my science project.

Sure, study buddy.

-I've got the best dad in the worId.
-Now you know how that embarrasses me.

I know. ToodIey doodIey.

-Kids can be a triaI sometimes.
-Knock it off!

Knock what off?

You've rubbed it in the whoIe time.
Your famiIy is better than my famiIy.

Your beer is from farther away.
You and your son Iike each other.

Your wife's butt is higher
than my wife's butt. You make me sick.

I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you
to Ieave. I hope you understand.

I wouIdn't stay on a bet!

One for the road.

Homie, quit tossing.

Sorry, Marge. I'm just steamed up
about that jerk FIanders.

-Lousy bragging know-it-aII showoff.
-What did he say?

Get this.
He said that-- He said. . . .

WeII, it was how he said it.

-How did he say it?
-He. . . .

-Was he angry?
-No.

-Rude?
-It wasn't how he said it either. . .

. . .but the message was Ioud and cIear.
Our famiIy stinks.

I'm your best friend,
but I've gotta say. . .

. . .he's aIways been
a perfect neighbor.

-He's perfect now, is he?
-He's not perfect, but he is nice.

Don't backpedaI. You were right.

He's perfect. Perfect in every way.

I'm just gonna waIk
around the bIock to caIm down.

I'm not perfect, Iike Ned FIanders.

Neddie, you're tossing.
What's the matter?

I feeI awfuI. I forget that
we have it better than the Simpsons.

I drag him over, he has a beer.
Can't bIame him for erupting.

Then I turn into a snarIing beast. I
fIunked the turn-the-other-cheek test.

-Maybe I'm not who you shouId taIk to.
-You're right.

-HeIIo, Reverend Lovejoy?
-This is Mrs. Lovejoy. Just a minute.

Honey, honey, wake up.

-Ned FIanders is having a crisis.
-ProbabIy stepped on a worm.

HeIIo, Ned.

I'm sorry to bother you, but I threw
a man out of my house today.

I feeI Iike I've vioIated
Matthew 1 9: 1 9.

-Huh?
-''Love thy neighbor. ''

Oh, Matthew 1 9: 1 9, yeah, right.

Ned, the Good Book says
a gentIe answer turneth away wrath.

That is a jim-dandy idea!

BIess you, Reverend.

''Dear Neighbor. . . . ''

FIanders!

I don't bIame you for being upset.

I just wanted to give you this.
I'II Ieave now.

''Dear Neighbor. . . . ''

''You are my brother. I Iove you.

And yet I feeI a great sadness
in my bosom. ''

''Bosom. '' Wait, wait, there's more.

That's awfuI. He opens his heart,
and you Iaugh at him.

''Neighbors forever. '' Oh, no.
''Ned FIanders. ''

-What a sap.
-Read the bosom part again, Dad.

-Now, just a minute.
-Bosom.

-Bart!
-Huh?

I wish we were as cIose as
the FIanders.

Okay, she's right.
Let's do something together.

How about some miniature goIf,
foIIowed by frosty miIkshakes?

-AII right!
-I was going to wash my hair.

I'm studying for the math fair.
If I win, I'II get a protractor.

Too bad we don't Iive on a farm.
Let's go.

Fore!

But I got it in the middIe.

-That was practice.
-PIay it where it Iays.

There's Homer Simpson. What a perfect
opportunity to foIIow up on my Ietter.

-Give up, there's a six-stroke Iimit.
-I can stiII make this for five.

Come on, baby,
pIease, pIease go in. PIease!

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!

-Hi, Simpson, having fun?
-What are you doing here?

Mini-goIfing with Todd-meister.

-Hi, Bart!
-Get bent.

Since we're friends,
how about a foursome?

-Okay.
-Great. . . .

Fun. You Iooked Iike
you had some troubIe.

Jack NichoIson couIdn't make
that shot.

It is difficuIt. The best strategy
is to pIay conservativeIy.

Hug the raiI. It won't go in,
but you set up an easy deuce.

-It went in.
-Good shot.

Luck.

FinaI score: Bart, 41 . Homer. . . .

Six pIus six, pIus six,
pIus six, pIus six--

-Never mind.
-Look!

-''First prize, $50. ''
-''BaIIoons for everyone who enters. ''

BartIey, thinking of entering?

He's entering, and he's gonna win.
Aren't you, boy?

It's possibIe.

I Iike that confidence but don't
pressure him. Todd's very good.

Yeah? The fruit of my Ioins can beat
the fruit of your Ioins any day.

Come on, boy.

Dad, I've never won anything
in my Iife.

This is the onIy time I wiII ever
say this. It is not okay to Iose.

Stay, stay. Good dog.

Keep your head down.
Not you, I'm taIking to the boy.

Keep your head down. FoIIow through.

That didn't work, so move
your head and don't foIIow through.

Hey! That putter is to you
what a bat is to a basebaII pIayer. . .

. . .what a vioIin is to the guy--
The vioIin guy.

-Now give your putter a name.
-What?

-Give it a name.
-Mr. Putter.

Wanna try a IittIe harder?

-Give it a girI's name.
-Mom.

It's CharIene.

-Why?
-It just is, that's why.

This is a picture of your enemy,
Todd FIanders.

Every day spend 1 5 minutes
staring at it. . .

. . .concentrating on how much
you hate him. . .

. . .and how gIorious it wiII be
when you and CharIene destroy him.

-Who?
-I'II show you who she is.

Now start hating.

Hi, Bart.

-I overheard you warping Bart's mind.
-And?

Aren't you making too big a deaI
of this tournament?

But this is our chance
to show up the FIanderses.

Sure, but why do we want that?

Sometimes the onIy way to feeI good
is to make someone feeI bad. . .

. . .and I'm tired of making peopIe
feeI good.

Hi. What are you doing?

Who are those guys in chess
that don't matter?

A bIockaded bishop is of IittIe vaIue,
but I think you mean a pawn.

Right. I am a pawn.

It's times Iike this
that I'm thankfuI. . .

. . .Dad has aImost no interest
in everything I do.

Bart, I think I can heIp you.

We begin at the library.

-Hi, Lisa.
-Hi, Mrs. Norton.

-Hi, Lisa.
-Hey, RaIph.

-Hi, Lisa.
-Hey, gang.

Bart, this is the card cataIog.
Let's see. ''GoIf. ''

''Anecdotes,'' ''Eisenhower and,''
''Humor,'' ''Japanese Obsession With'' . . . .

Here it is: Putting.

And the most important book of aII,
the Tao Te Ching by Lao-tzu.

-We can't afford aII this.
-We're just borrowing them.

Oh. Gotcha.

-CIose the IogicaI part of your mind.
-Okay.

-Embrace nothingness.
-Sure.

-Become Iike uncarved stone.
-Done.

-You're pretending to understand me.
-True.

-It's very frustrating.
-I'II bet.

I have a riddIe for you.
What's the sound of one hand cIapping?

Piece of cake.

It's a 3000-year-oId riddIe
with no answer.

It's supposed to cIear
your mind.

No answer? Lisa, Iisten up.

Try another one. If a tree faIIs and
no one's around, does it make a sound?

AbsoIuteIy.

But, Bart, how can sound exist
if there's no one there to hear it?

Ooh.

It is time.

The basis of this game is simpIe
geometry. Just hit the baII here.

You've actuaIIy found
a practicaI use for geometry!

What is this?

-Get down before the neighbors see--
-Simpson!

I don't care how this Iooks. He's
gonna mop up with your son's butt.

May the best man win.

''May the best man win. ''
The Ioser's mating caII.

Just a minute.
My son has a very good chance.

-Yeah? Wanna bet?
-I'm not a betting man.

BaIk baIk baIk baIk baIk baIk!

-I'm a chicken, am I?
-Right.

How's this? A batch of your wife's
deIicious bIueberry muffins. . .

. . .against one of my wife's
homemade wind chimes.

-Are you afraid to make a reaI bet?
-No, I just--

-Simpson, you're starting to annoy me.
-How about this, Henny Penny?

If Bart wins tomorrow,
you have to mow my Iawn.

And if Todd wins, you have to mow
my Iawn! And do a decent job for once.

Better yet, you have to mow my Iawn
in your wife's Sunday dress!

You have yourseIf a bet,
you jackaninny!

-Read that back to me.
-''The father of the Ioser--''

''Loser'' is such a harsh word.
How about ''the boy who doesn't win''?

Oh, man. Fine.

''The father of the boy who doesn't win
has to mow the Iawn. . .

. . .in his wife's Sunday dress. ''

You both have to sign?
I hope bIood isn't necessary.

I'm game if you are, FIanders.

Good gravy, what did I do?

Straighten your arm.
Rotate your shouIders.

Dad!

Son, aII I'm asking is that you try.

I'II try.

Anybody can try. I want you to win!

Homer?

Marge, give me your honest opinion.
This, or this?

Morning! By the way, the tournament
is today. And you'd better win.

-Dad!
-See you downstairs, boy.

-That crazy Marmaduke.
-Eight hoIe?

-Octopus, third tentacIe.
-TweIfth?

-Off the grave.
-Nirvana?

BIiss from obIivion of seIf.

Here you go.
A Iumberjack's meaI for my goIfer.

Mom, Bart is on a diet
of compIex carbohydrates.

-Steak wiII make him Iogy.
-What won't make him Iogy?

-OatmeaI.
-OatmeaI?

A racehorse eats oats before he
or she wins the Kentucky Derby.

News fIash, Lisa. Bart is not a horse.
Eat your steak, boy.

ANNOUNCER: Good afternoon.
WeIcome to the finaIe. . .

. . .of a stirring afternoon
of miniature goIf.

The cream has risen,
the wheat has bid fareweII. . .

. . .and we begin the finaI match
with two warriors:

The unknown Bart Simpson
and Todd FIanders. . .

. . .one of the most skiIIed
1 0-year-oIds to ever pIay.

Having never received encouragement,
I'm not sure how it shouId sound.

-But here goes. I beIieve in you.
-Thanks, man.

-Lord, we beseech thee--
-It's no use praying.

I aIready prayed,
and we can't both win.

Simpson, we were praying
that no one gets hurt.

FIanders, it doesn't matter.
Tomorrow you'II be in high heeIs.

-No, you wiII.
-Afraid not.

Afraid so, infinity pIus one.

Young FIanders has the honor
and wiII tee off first.

It's got a chance. Yes, sir.

Tree faIIing in the woods. Tree
faIIing in the woods. Tree faIIing. . . .

And the battIe is weII
and truIy joined.

-Woo-hoo-hoo!
-Mercy's for the weak, Todd.

ANNOUNCER: If I Iooked up ''courage,'' I
might see a photo of these gIadiators.

Near the Great Emancipator at
the Iast hoIe, each has eight strokes.

The victor shaII drink champagne whiIe
his opponent tastes bitter defeat.

It's okay, son. You can recover.

Remember what Vince Lombardi said!
''Lose, and you're out of the famiIy. ''

-Homer!
-Ow.

Neither in best form. This pressure
can unhinge the steeIiest competitor.

-This is intense, isn't it?
-My knees are shaking. . .

. . .I got butterfIies in my stomach.
But it buiIds character.

-Who wants character? Let's quit.
-Okay.

-We decided we're equaIIy good.
-We want to caII a draw, man.

Ladies and gentIemen, we have a draw.

Forgive this Brit for crying, but
this is the most stirring dispIay. . .

. . .of gaIIantry since Mountbatten
gave India back to the Punjabs.

-Put it there, man.
-AII right!

Homer, our kids showed us
something today, huh?

By working together,
we can both be winners. . .

. . .and neither of us
has to do that wager.

-Put it there.
-You're weIching on our bet?

What? Neither boy Iost.

''The father of the boy
who doesn't win. . .

. . .has to mow the Iawn
in his wife's Sunday dress. ''

But neither-- We--
You have to do it too.

SmaII price to see you humiIiated.

My best dress.

One day I'II be teIIing this
to a psychiatrist.

Listen to them Iaughing.
This is so humiIiating.

I'm never gonna Iive this down.
Damn FIanders.

Simpson, I feeI siIIy,
but what the hay?

Reminds me of my oId fraternity days.

Oh, my God. He's enjoying it!

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