The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 2, Episode 17 - Old Money - full transcript

CHOIR SINGS:
The Simpsons

OId Money

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

[LISA PLAYS SAXOPHONE SOLO]

D'oh!

Hey! What--? Who--?

Next time we'II do
something more fun.

Oh, what couId be more fun than
today's trip to the Iiquor store?

Thanks for the jerky!

-Say goodbye.
-Bye.



Good--

Grampa smeIIs Iike that
trunk with the wet bottom.

-He smeIIs Iike a photo Iab.
-Stop it!

Grampa smeIIs Iike an oId man,
which is Iike a hospitaI haIIway.

That's terribIe. We shouId
teach them to vaIue the eIderIy.

-We'II be oId someday.
-My God, you're right!

You kids won't put me in a home?

WeII. . . .

What'II we do?

-I think we better set an exampIe.
-AbsoIuteIy!

Our Sundays shouId be a pIeasure.

Where's a fun pIace we can
take Grampa?

-To the pony ride!
-No.

BART: Boring.
-He can't sit.



I enjoy the gIass bIower
at OId SpringfieId.

He saw that.

Big yawner.
The Museum of Barnyard Oddities!

-No, Bart! No!
-That's gross.

I got it! The Mystery Spot!

LISA:
It's just a dumb mud puddIe.

Discount Lion Safari!

Like I'm gonna ruin $600 teeth. . .

. . .on 40 cents' worth of beef.

These aren't my piIIs!

Now, Mr. Simmons. Don't make me
caII Nurse Bronski.

It's Simpson, and these aren't
my piIIs.

Excuse me. My name is Simmons.
I have the wrong piIIs.

I get two red for my back,
a yeIIow one for my arrhythmia. . .

. . .and two of the bIuest eyes
I've ever seen in my Iife.

-These must be. . . .
-I have your. . . .

They must have. . . .

[LAUGHING ]

[HACKING ]

Look at us. We're staring Iike a
coupIe of stupid punk teenagers.

Oh, I wasn't staring, it's,
uh, my Iazy eye.

I'm Beatrice Simmons.
My friends caII me Bea.

WeII, I'm Abraham J. Simpson.

Care to tip the wrist with me?

I wouId be deIighted.

So, teII me about yourseIf.

Widower, one son, one working kidney.
And you?

Widowed, bad hip, Iiver disorder.

You Ieft something out: Ravishing!

-What are you doing tonight?
-Sitting aIone in my room.

If you've got pIans aIready--

-No! What were you saying?
-Nothing.

Abe. You were going to say something.

I was wondering
if you and I, you know. . .

. . .might go to the same pIace.

-You'd think this wouId get easier!
-I'd Iove to.

[SINGS]

Okay, now where's that pomade?

Ah! ''Never fIy soIo again. ''

Aw, damn! Out of pomade.
Oh, weII.

Oh, heIIo, young Iady.
Is your grandmother home?

Oh, Abe.

I'd better keep my good eye on you.

Damn straight.

Embrace me
My sweet embraceable you

Embrace me
You irreplaceable you

My sweet embraceable you

Herman, a speciaI Iady is having
her birthday tomorrow.

The battIeship New Jersey.

You idiot! My girIfriend, Bea.
Since this is the onIy store I know--

Nothing says ''I Iove you''
better than a miIitary antique.

Take a Iook at the bayonet case.

-Hey, what's that?
-That was NapoIeon's hat.

-It doesn't Iook it.
-Not the famous one.

He wore it for a week in 1 796.
Before he beat the Sardinians.

How much?

-$400.
-I'II give you $5.

Not an offer you shouId
make to a man with a gun.

Try Grandma's WorId.

Activewear, I need a price
check on a wooI shawI.

Dad! It's Sunday.
You know what that means.

-Go away!
-Oh, come on, Dad.

I promise we'II have fun.
We're gonna see Iions.

I can't. It's my girIfriend
Bea's birthday.

Oh, you have a girIfriend.

WeII, happy birthday, Bea.

She can come with us.
There's room for aII your friends.

She's not invisibIe, you idiot!

-It's her birthday tonight.
-Right.

-Stop kicking the seat!
-I'm kicking it!

-You want to know where we're going?
-No.

Discount Lion Safari!

Damn these chiIdproof doors!

-HeIIo.
-That'II be 1 8.50, Bwana.

LISA: ''Do not feed or
aIIow animaIs in car.

Do not make eye contact. ''

Are we in Africa yet?

-This pIace sucks.
-The animaIs are sIeeping.

Let 'em sIeep on their own time!

Are you sure this is the way?

The road seems to have gotten
awfuIIy bumpy.

GRAMPA: What a wingding. This is
much better than my girIfriend's party.

Bart, get out and push.

-Yeah, Bart, get out and push.
-No way!

GRAMPA:
We've seen a Iion.

Can we go now?

Oh, Bea!

[ELEPHANT TRUMPETS]

Mr. Simpson, I presume.

-I got a date with an angeI.
-You don't know how right you are.

-What?
-I'm sorry to teII you this, but. . .

-. . .Bea passed away Iast night.
-Oh, no.

The doc said her Ieft ventricIe burst.

No, Jasper. They may say
she died of a burst ventricIe. . .

. . .but I know she died
of a broken heart.

I can teII she reaIIy cared.

She didn't make me a paIIbearer.

I can't teII you how sorry I am.

Is someone taIking?
I didn't hear anything.

Oh, no! Dad's Iost his hearing!

No, you idiot! I'm ignoring you!

You made me miss the Iast
moments of Bea's Iife.

I'II never speak to you again!
I have no son!

Oh, Bea.

It was a beautifuI service.

-Who are you?
-LioneI Hutz, attorney.

I'm the executor of the estate.

Bea was weaIthy and--
Surprise, surprise!

She Ieft it aII to you.

-ReaIIy?
-There is one catch.

You must spend one night
in a haunted house.

Just kidding.

Here's a check for $ 1 06,000. . .

. . . ''To enjoy as you see fit. ''
Oh, I'm touched.

-$ 1 06,000!
-Ta-ta, Mr. Simpson.

By the way, I do wiIIs.

Here's a pen with my
phone number on it.

It Iooks Iike a cigar.
Isn't that neat?

[PHONE RINGS]

-HeIIo?
-HeIIo, Homer?

Dad's on the phone!

-Oh, Dad, I knew you'd forgive me.
-I haven 't forgiven you!

I just inherited $ 1 06,000. . .

. . .and I just had to teII you that
you're not getting one thin dime!

-Mr. Simpson?
-What is it?

I couIdn't heIp hearing
about your money.

Let me assure you that here,
money does make a difference.

There are rubdowns,
and then there are rubdowns.

Listen, you bIoodsucker!

Does it ever occur to you that oId
foIks shouId be treated Iike humans. . .

-. . .whether they have money or not?
-Yes, but it passes.

Oh, you Iousy son of a. . . .

I'II take it!

Big spender, why the change?

Bea toId me to enjoy my mooIa
and I'm going to, dagnab it!

Yeah. . . . Yeah.

-Where to?
-Take me somepIace fun!

You're the boss.
Next stop, FunsviIIe.

-I miss Bea.
-I miss you too.

Oh, caIm down.
I'm not here to scare you.

I'm haunting a famiIy in Texas.

Oh, weII, I'm gIad
you're keeping busy.

I want to know why my money
isn't bringing you happiness.

Oh, Bea, I'm not cut out
for the highIife.

If you're not happy,
why don't you spread it around?

Make other peopIe as
happy as you made me.

Oh, thanks, Bea. I wiII!

And your son misses you.

Oh, I miss him too,
the big fat dickens.

Hey, Bea, I've got to ask you,
what was death Iike?

Not as scary as this!

I miss my daddy.

This thing has had you
moping around for days.

I think it's time for you
to taIk to someone.

MONROE: You've reached Dr.
Monroe's Anxiety Line.

If you have a sullen teenager,
press 1.

For spousal problems, press 2 now.
If you have trouble--

Grampa!

-Dad!
-Sonny-boy!

Is there room at your tabIe
for an oId man?

WeII, sure!

We'II have to move a chair in,
but it's no probIem. Bart!

-Choose your corncob. En garde!
-ChaIIenge accepted!

AII my precious sacks of goId. . .

. . .couIdn't buy me the joys
of a famiIy meaI.

-Pass the bug juice.
-Wait your turn!

I have an announcement. I've
decided to give Bea's money away. . .

. . .to peopIe who need it.

I'm gonna Iet them come to me and
pIead their case and then I'II decide.

That's the nobIest thought
ever expressed at this tabIe.

-Give it to us.
-Bart!

Forgive him. He's just a
stupid IittIe kid. . .

. . .who says the first thing
in his head.

-You know, he is wise.
-You don't want it.

-I do.
-You ain't getting it!

Not since my marriage to
the weather Iady. . .

. . .has this town been so consumed
with rumor and innuendo. Here's why:

Today, one Abraham ''Grampa''
Simpson announced. . .

. . .that he'II give away over $ 1 00,000
to the person he finds most deserving.

Is Grampa Simpson a saint,
a rich nut, or both?

Time wiII teII. Kent Brockman,
on Iine for an oId man's money.

You see, Gramps, I wanna
customize the bus.

Chop the top, jack it up,
put on wheeIs. . .

. . .psychedeIic paint job from heII.
Jam the kids to schooI!

Here's a rendering. Note the cobra
wrapped around the naked chick.

Next!

Grampa?

-I can caII you Grampa, can't I?
-Go ahead.

I need that money. PIease--!

Wait! You're the guy who owns
the nucIear power pIant.

-Ownership is divided--
-What are you doing?

I dread the day when $ 1 00,000
isn't worth groveIing for.

Get out of here!

You just made yourseIf a very
powerfuI enemy, oId man.

Here's the deaI, Grampa.

A guy I think was an expIorer
Ieft this in the bar.

It may be a map to ancient treasure,
or directions to a house.

To find out, we'II need money,
provisions and a diving beII.

It's pretty stupid, but so far
you're the front-runner.

It's an isoIation chamber.

A subject puIIs Ievers to get
heat and food.

The fIoor can become eIectrified
and water faIIs on the subject.

I caII it the Monroe box.

WeII, it sounds interesting.

How much wiII it cost?

It's aIready buiIt!

I need the money to buy a baby
to raise in the box.

To prove what?

The subject shouId be maIadjusted
and harbor resentment towards me.

Interesting. . . .

I want a tear gas pen,
a bIowgun with paraIyzer darts--

-Oh, no!
-Nunchucks.

-Nunchucks? What are those?
-Yeah!

Radioactive Man number 27.

And I want that basebaII card
where the guy's fIipping the bird.

-I've seen that one.
-And a monkey.

What the heII is that?

Why, it's a death ray, my good man.
BehoId.

-Hey, feeIs warm. Kind of nice.
-WeII, it's just the prototype.

With funding, this baby couId destroy
an area the size of New York.

-I wanna heIp peopIe, not kiII them!
-Oh.

The ray onIy has eviI appIications.

My wife'II be happy. She's hated
this death ray from day one.

Oh, Lisa, what makes you think you
deserve aII that money?

I don't deserve it, Grampa.
No one here does.

The peopIe who deserve
it are in the sIums.

They're chiIdren who need books and
famiIies who can't make ends meet.

-But you can buy me a pony.
-You're right!

I'II name her Princess.

No, you're right about the poor
souIs who need a heIping hand.

I need to take a waIk.

Oh, dear.

-Oh! I'm exhausted.
-Poor baby, been Iifting your waIIet?

No! I've decided to give
my money away. . .

. . .to truIy needy causes!

But $ 1 00,000 just
isn't enough. I need more.

Why don't you go on the
gambIing junket?

You couId doubIe your money.

-Tempting.
-They got a 99-cent shrimp cocktaiI.

You've soId me!

Trying to get us kiIIed?

It's too hot, maniac!
Turn on the air aIready!

Hey, meIIow out, oId dudes,
or I'II jam this baby into a river!

[HUMS]

I'm Iooking for Abe Simpson.
It's important.

I don't care about his
money, I Iove him!

We get that a Iot. He Ieft with
the casino junket.

Casino!

Come on, everybody!

[EVERYBODY HUMS]

HeIIo, I'm PIato.

PIease partake of keno, craps
and the town's Ioosest sIots.

My phiIosophy is: Enjoy!

Change, pIease.

Burger, onion rings, shake!

And for God's sake, hurry!

$5000 on-- What century is this?

-The 20th.
-Put it on 20.

Excuse me.

Have you seen an oId man?
He Iooks Iike me onIy wrinkIed.

Have you seen--? Dad!

No!

-20 bIack.
-HoIy moIy, you're winning!

You're cramping me.

Quit whiIe you're ahead, understand?
You gotta Ieave!

-I have to get enough for everybody.
-But you couId Iose everything!

Homer, I think Rudyard KipIing
said it best.

''If you can make one heap of aII your
winnings and risk it on one turn. . .

. . .and Iose, and start
again at your beginnings. . .

. . .and never breathe a word
about your Ioss. . .

. . .yours is the earth and
everything that's in it. . .

. . .and, which is more,
you'II be a man, my son. ''

-You'II be a bonehead!
-Put it aII on 41 .

-I've got a feeIing.
-The wheeI onIy goes to 36.

Put it aII on 36. I've got a feeIing.

Dad, no! Give me that money!

Come on! Stop it! Ow! Ow!
You're hurting me!

-36!
-No more bets.

Son, if this Iands on 36, I'II. . . .

CROUPIER:
DoubIe zero.

Son! You saved me from Iosing
aII my money.

For the first time,
I'm gIad I had chiIdren.

So have you figured out
who gets the money?

Yes, Homer, I have.

Come on in. Dignity's on me, friends.

Shh.

SubtitIes by
SDI Media Group

[ENGLISH SDH]