The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 19, Episode 8 - Funeral for a Fiend - full transcript
Bart is responsible for Sideshow Bob's death after his latest attempt at revenge is foiled, but is his death actually part of the plan?
The Simpsons S19E08 (KABF01)
Funeral for a Fiend
Can I help you
with that, sir?
Oh, no.
I ain't tippin' some jerk two bucks
to tie a TV to my car.
Mama Moe didn't raise no fools.
Well,
I guess I can just keep
watching DVDs
by following family vans around.
Big Bird in China?
Won't Grover get lonely?
Oh, no, wait.
He's hangin' out
with Derek Jeter.
Now ignore all the fancy
shmancy things thingamajigs, boy.
We're just gonna get a
camera battery and go home.
Are you interested in a car stereo?
No, thanks. Just here
for a battery.
Big special on camcorders!
All I want is a battery.
Care to make love, sir?
Battery, battery, battery!
Hmm...
No!
Bingo!
One battery, please.
That'll be 50 cents,
or free with the purchase
of a $200 TiVO
plus a two-year contract.
Sold!
Sucker.
Sir, your TiVO?
My what now?
Oh, no.
Oh!
Come on, Lisa!
The TV's been off
for five whole minutes!
The TiVO is installed!
Now we catch shows
and skip the commercials!
Will Itchy win again,
or will something else happen?
We'll find out right after
these ten commercials.
Oh, no, we won't.
Whoa!
I spit on your corpse, advertisers
supporting television.
Yeah!
And now for the
exciting conclusion!
Oh, the hilarity!
Mmm.
Without the commercial interruption,
I could really follow the story.
TiVo, you've got a season
pass to my heart.
Ooh, Opal!
Sounds like you've given
us some words to eat by.
Doctor Chef will be back
after these messages!
Here's a message for you.
Welcome back.
I have some big, big news.
My boyfriend Straightman
just proposed....
...that we go on separate
vacations again this year!
Hmm. I think I'll speed
through the cheering.
Oh, TiVO remote
you've changed my life.
I've gotten so much accomplished.
I saved Lost,
watched all Rome in a day,
and got Two and a half men in
two and a half minutes.
Then I ran out of space
and had to choose
between Sophie's Choice
and Schindler's list.
Why is everything Hollywood
make so excellent?
Why?
Marge Simpson!
Oh!
Keith Olbermann?!
That's right,
content burglar Marge Simpson.
You've been watching TV shows,
but skipping the commercials
that pay for them.
That makes you...
the worst person in the world!
Oh, lighten up.
You TV fat cats have plenty of money.
My cousin Marine saw you
flying in business class!
I was upgraded against my will!
Look Marge, you think
I'm handsome don't you?
Of course.
It takes a team of 20 people
to keep me that way,
without ad money,
I'd look like a swamp monster
from a child's nightmare!
And under here,
I look even worse.
Then it gets better,
then even worse!
Oh stop it!
Oh stop it!
I'll watch the commercials!
That's why this is the only
mop endorsed by me,
former NFL draft pick, Ryan Leaf.
Mom, what are you doing?
I'm honoring America's advertisers.
Then we're going to buy some
toothpaste, lease a new car,
vote "yes" on prop 87.
No! No!
Prop 87 lets big polluters off the hook!
Impossible.
Their commercial featured a talking frog.
So tell those idiots
in the State Capital
to let Union Carbide do their thing.
Paid for by Cartoon Frogs For
Wetlands Destruction.
Howdy, folks!
Are you tired of family arguments
over where to go to dinner?
Sometimes I think about gettin' on
a bus and never comin' back.
Why not try Wes Doobner's World
Famous Family Style Rib Huts?
The rib joint with something
for everyone.
Good luck with my finicky appetite.
We've got ribs.
Sold!
Plain noodles.
Ugh.
With butter.
Yowza!
Texas tofu!
Yummy, yumma!
And the easiest placemat
puzzle in the state.
Let me at it!
We're going to a restaurant grand opening
But don't fill up on bread
That's how they get ya.
That's odd. There doesn't
seem to be anyone here.
More ribs for me!
There aren't any
tables or chairs.
More ribs for me!
I see no grill, oven or food of any kind.
More ribs for me?
Hello,
Simpsons.
Finally, some service.
Now listen.
We want to sit under a cool
state license plate.
Michigan or better.
Silence!
You've all stumbled into my ingenious trap.
That voice!
Oh!
That commercial was a trick.
Specifically designed to lure
our family here.
And "Wes Doobner's World
Famous Family
Style Rib Huts" is actually an
anagram!
Welcome to Sideshow
Bob's World Famous
Family Style Return!
Ahhhhhhh!
Sideshow Bob!
And now you're all going to die,
just because you watched
a television commercial!
Oh, next time a commercial comes on,
I'm gonna close my eyes,
cover my ears and
scream as loud as I can.
Before you die, perhaps
you'd like to know
how I engineered my ultimate revenge.
I'd like to know if Wes Doobner is aware
of what you're doing
in his restaurant.
I'm Wes Doobner.
Mr. Doobner, I havea complaint:
I work hard, and when I
go out with my family,
I expect a certain
level of basic
Shut up!
Now, since last we met...
Oh great, here it comes
all the boring things you've done
since the last time
you didn't kill us.
You never ask what
we've been up to.
We went to the strawberry patch
and I picked the most strawberries!
Shut up!
This time, to liven up my tale,
I brought along some visual aids.
Just call me...
Slideshow Bob!
Nobody do it.
Here, we see Krusty helping
you escape my clutches in Rome.
After that,
my family and I fled to England,
where I found work as a chimney brush.
Here's Buckingham Palace...
Sorry, there's a lot of these...
Bear with me.
Yeah, yeah, we've all been to England.
Is this going somewhere?
I never stopped plotting my revenge.
I snuck into America
amidst a bunch of undocumented
Canadian
comedy writers for
The Jimmy Kimmel Show,
whatever that is.
Then, it was merely a matter
of constructing my trap...
and producing the commercial
that lured you to your dooms.
Which, by the way,
got me an offer to direct a feature.
Which one?
"The Hills Have Eyes Three:
The Hills Still Have Eyes".
And now, the moment
we've all been waiting for...
Finally, the ribs.
You shall all perish
in a tragic accident
caused by a defective laptop battery
that will overheat,
then explode, setting off this TNT.
Hooooooo!
Let's not tarry
as Shakespeare said,
"If it were done when it's done,
then 'twere best it were done quickly. "
Power on.
Looks like you're trying
to blow up the computer.
Mind if hug my kids?
This time,
I've made no mistakes.
Actually, you made one.
What Shakespeare really said was,
"Twere well it were done quickly. "
Yes, I'm sure, you've studied
the Immortal Bard
extensively under your
Miss Hoover.
Macbeth, act one, scene seven.
Look it up!
I shall.
Come on, Wikipedia,
load, you unwieldy behemoth.
Oh, dear
Sideshow Bob,
"hoist on his own petard. "
It's "hoist with
his own petard. "
Oh, get a life.
Yet another new restaurant fails.
Ten-time attempted murderer
and
celebrity Jeopardy
runner-up Sideshow Bob
is in custody again.
Hmm...
Next case...
People versus Sideshow Bob.
Is the defendant's attorney present?
No, your honor.
I choose to represent myself.
And let me say...
I did try to kill the Simpsons.
I truly did.
Ohhhhhhhhh!
Okay, if he doesn't say "but"
right now, we are home free.
- But...
- Damn it!
I plead not guilty,
by reason of insanity!
Insanity caused by my persecution
at the hands of this young boy.
Young?
I'm the oldest kid in my class!
By like two years.
For my first witness I call my father,
Dr. Robert Terwilliger, Senior.
Look, that's Sideshow Bob's mother
Dame Judith Underdunk!
She's the greatest classical
actress of her generation.
Dame Judith, you were brilliant
in Troilus and Cressida.
Did they name the Toyota
Cressida after the play,
or the play after the car?
My son is on trial for his life.
I'm sorry, I know this
is a terrible time.
So just answer quick.
Play first, then car.
I just lost a thousand dollars.
Robert was a peaceful boy,
sickly and weak from
a congenital heart defect.
But then that Simpson boy
started tormenting him,
and he he crossed over
into dementia.
To what degree was
this dementia blown?
Full.
Stop feeling sorry for him!
He's a homicidal maniac!
He deserves to fry!
You see? He knows I'm going
through a rough patch,
still he harangues me.
Who among you have not suffered
at the hands of this demon scamp
and felt the urge for retribution?
He ordered prank pizzas
to 888 Poopy Pants Lane!
Poopy Pants Lane ends
in the 700 block!
He mocked my folksy ways!
He cheats at Uno!
Bob's playing all of you like saps.
This man's a killer!
See how he accuses me
--at my very own trial!
I can take no more!
I... I...
I didn't want to use this,
but you've left me no choice.
Nitroglycerin!
Everybody panic!
Yoink!
Foiled again, freak!
You don't understand!
I... I...
That nitroglycerin was medicine
for Robert's congenital heart
defect.
To which my earlier testimony referred.
This man is dead.
And you killed him.
Ew, gross--
I'm touching a dead guy!
America has a tradition
of turning outlaws
into legends after their deaths:
Billy the Kid,
Bonnie and Clyde,
Jesus Christ.
Joining them now is
Robert "Sideshow Bob" Terwilliger,
whose funeral we're presenting
with live shovel-to-shovel coverage.
And there we see
Bob's grieving parents,
his brother, Cecil, left out the
prison for the occasion,
his widow, Francesca,
and his son, Gino.
Also in attendance are Bob's colleagues
from the world of clowning.
A veritable who's who ha-ha.
Farewell, Sideshow Bob.
Your shoes are empty
and the stage is dark
Bart stole your nitroglycerin
And then your heart infarcked
And it seems to me your loyal fans
Oughta buy this DVD
Of all your best-loved sketches
On The Krusty Show
It's full of extra features
And deleted scenes
Like when you fell
and split your pants
And we saw
your "Frank and Beans."
There's the kid
who killed my best friend!
Buy my DVD.
Bart, I know this is nuts,
but try to look sad.
I'm not sad.
I have nothing to be sad about.
Nothing!
Well, I guess the rest of us
should pay our respects.
Yeah, well, between you and me,
I still can't stand him.
I still can't stand him.
I still can't stand him.
I still can't stand him.
I still can't stand him.
I don't care
about these church jerks.
Church jerks... church jerks...
Homer, your behavior is heinous.
Anus, anus...
anus, anus, anus...
Stupid Sideshow Bob.
Even when he's dead,
he wrecks my life.
I hope he's in hell
eating a barf burger.
I once felt that way, too.
Hey, aren't you Bob's brother?
Biologically, yes,
but we never got along.
He was always
zigging when I zagged.
That summer when he wanted to tour
the castles of Italy,
I wanted to tour
the castles of France.
So we went to Spain,
a compromise that satisfied no one.
That's stupid.
You talk like youre smart,
but you're stupid.
Anyway, I choose to remember
Bob as the big brother
who taught me to play Botticelli.
Sounds boring.
Oh, you'd love it.
It's a guessing game
in which one
player adopts the guise
of a noteworthy--
you're right, it is boring.
But the only way
you'll find happiness
is by making your peace with Bob.
Well, I guess I could say good-bye.
You'd better make it snappy.
They're cremating him in 30 minutes.
I'll be scattering his ashes
over the castles of France.
Take that, ashes.
Hey, Bart! You're on the
front page of the paper.
I'm going to set things right.
Wanna come with me?
I would, but tonight my dad's
taking me to the batting cage.
He's gonna teach me to umpire!
Check it out, an official
Major Leagueball/strike counter!
Ball one, ball two, strike one...
Bart? Bart?
Hi, Lisa.
Hate to mix"B" with "P,"
but your family owes
me for two weeks.
Milhouse, have you seen Bart?
Bart Simpson?
I think he went to pay his
respects to Sideshow Bob.
Mind if I sit down for a second?
My feet are killing me.
Feet... killing?!
We've got to save Bart!
Now?
But I'm getting a home perm.
Now!
Bob, it's me, Bart.
I came here to tell you
I never meant for you to die.
I just wanted you to go to jail
and get beat up a lot.
Now everyone wishes I was dead.
Then let's give the people
what they want!
Sideshow Bob!
Bob planned this
from the beginning.
He wanted to be captured
at the restaurant.
He would never get
a Shakespeare quote wrong.
No.
His mother was a Shakespearian actress.
- His father is a doctor.
- A doctor, huh?
So when Bob collapsed in the courtroom...
I remember.
...his father could take that
opportunity to inject Bob
with a powerful drug
that simulated death.
It was a diabolical scheme, and every
member of his family played a part!
Are you done? 'Cause I've been
circling the funeral home
- for ten minutes.
- Yes.
Cool, I found a trapdoor that
leads to an underground city.
Here I go!
Oh, my God, it's beautiful!
- Are you buying this?
- When they find your ashes,
they'll think it's me.
And I'll be far away
with my loving family.
It's the perfect crime.
And it was my flawless performance
as the grieving brother
that sealed the deal.
Yes, and Hamlet is all about Laertes.
Would you please stop
comparing me to Laertes!
If the doublet fits...
Stop that cremation!
Hey, what smells so good?
Zeus' pimples!
Hot! Hot! Hot!
You're too late, Simpsons!
Eat hobo remains!
Get me out of here!
What are you doing?
I can't breathe!
Marge, he's got to get
over his fear of coffins.
Freeze, Sideshow Snobs!
You're all under arrest.
You have the right to remain silent,
but I hope you don't.
It's a long way to jail
and I like to chitchat.
Wait, I must know.
How did you loosen the tiles
of my mosaic of murder?
I grew suspicious
when I saw the casket
had extra room
built-in for your feet.
Why would your family pay all
that extra money of a dead man?
Damn these glorious gunboats!
Nice try, Bob,
but you didn't count on one thing.
- What's that?
- You stink like my butt!
Take him away!
Oh, why must I feed him
straight lines?!
Well, this time I think Sideshow Bob
is finally locked up for good.
Yeah, the only thing that's
going to be hacked to pieces now
is this celebratory cake!
So who wants a nice big slice?
Slash!
Hack! Die!
There he goes again.
You have 87 years to get
used to it, Father.
East bids two hearts.
Three diamonds.
Three clubs.
The joke's not funny
and the bid's not sufficient.
Funeral for a Fiend
Can I help you
with that, sir?
Oh, no.
I ain't tippin' some jerk two bucks
to tie a TV to my car.
Mama Moe didn't raise no fools.
Well,
I guess I can just keep
watching DVDs
by following family vans around.
Big Bird in China?
Won't Grover get lonely?
Oh, no, wait.
He's hangin' out
with Derek Jeter.
Now ignore all the fancy
shmancy things thingamajigs, boy.
We're just gonna get a
camera battery and go home.
Are you interested in a car stereo?
No, thanks. Just here
for a battery.
Big special on camcorders!
All I want is a battery.
Care to make love, sir?
Battery, battery, battery!
Hmm...
No!
Bingo!
One battery, please.
That'll be 50 cents,
or free with the purchase
of a $200 TiVO
plus a two-year contract.
Sold!
Sucker.
Sir, your TiVO?
My what now?
Oh, no.
Oh!
Come on, Lisa!
The TV's been off
for five whole minutes!
The TiVO is installed!
Now we catch shows
and skip the commercials!
Will Itchy win again,
or will something else happen?
We'll find out right after
these ten commercials.
Oh, no, we won't.
Whoa!
I spit on your corpse, advertisers
supporting television.
Yeah!
And now for the
exciting conclusion!
Oh, the hilarity!
Mmm.
Without the commercial interruption,
I could really follow the story.
TiVo, you've got a season
pass to my heart.
Ooh, Opal!
Sounds like you've given
us some words to eat by.
Doctor Chef will be back
after these messages!
Here's a message for you.
Welcome back.
I have some big, big news.
My boyfriend Straightman
just proposed....
...that we go on separate
vacations again this year!
Hmm. I think I'll speed
through the cheering.
Oh, TiVO remote
you've changed my life.
I've gotten so much accomplished.
I saved Lost,
watched all Rome in a day,
and got Two and a half men in
two and a half minutes.
Then I ran out of space
and had to choose
between Sophie's Choice
and Schindler's list.
Why is everything Hollywood
make so excellent?
Why?
Marge Simpson!
Oh!
Keith Olbermann?!
That's right,
content burglar Marge Simpson.
You've been watching TV shows,
but skipping the commercials
that pay for them.
That makes you...
the worst person in the world!
Oh, lighten up.
You TV fat cats have plenty of money.
My cousin Marine saw you
flying in business class!
I was upgraded against my will!
Look Marge, you think
I'm handsome don't you?
Of course.
It takes a team of 20 people
to keep me that way,
without ad money,
I'd look like a swamp monster
from a child's nightmare!
And under here,
I look even worse.
Then it gets better,
then even worse!
Oh stop it!
Oh stop it!
I'll watch the commercials!
That's why this is the only
mop endorsed by me,
former NFL draft pick, Ryan Leaf.
Mom, what are you doing?
I'm honoring America's advertisers.
Then we're going to buy some
toothpaste, lease a new car,
vote "yes" on prop 87.
No! No!
Prop 87 lets big polluters off the hook!
Impossible.
Their commercial featured a talking frog.
So tell those idiots
in the State Capital
to let Union Carbide do their thing.
Paid for by Cartoon Frogs For
Wetlands Destruction.
Howdy, folks!
Are you tired of family arguments
over where to go to dinner?
Sometimes I think about gettin' on
a bus and never comin' back.
Why not try Wes Doobner's World
Famous Family Style Rib Huts?
The rib joint with something
for everyone.
Good luck with my finicky appetite.
We've got ribs.
Sold!
Plain noodles.
Ugh.
With butter.
Yowza!
Texas tofu!
Yummy, yumma!
And the easiest placemat
puzzle in the state.
Let me at it!
We're going to a restaurant grand opening
But don't fill up on bread
That's how they get ya.
That's odd. There doesn't
seem to be anyone here.
More ribs for me!
There aren't any
tables or chairs.
More ribs for me!
I see no grill, oven or food of any kind.
More ribs for me?
Hello,
Simpsons.
Finally, some service.
Now listen.
We want to sit under a cool
state license plate.
Michigan or better.
Silence!
You've all stumbled into my ingenious trap.
That voice!
Oh!
That commercial was a trick.
Specifically designed to lure
our family here.
And "Wes Doobner's World
Famous Family
Style Rib Huts" is actually an
anagram!
Welcome to Sideshow
Bob's World Famous
Family Style Return!
Ahhhhhhh!
Sideshow Bob!
And now you're all going to die,
just because you watched
a television commercial!
Oh, next time a commercial comes on,
I'm gonna close my eyes,
cover my ears and
scream as loud as I can.
Before you die, perhaps
you'd like to know
how I engineered my ultimate revenge.
I'd like to know if Wes Doobner is aware
of what you're doing
in his restaurant.
I'm Wes Doobner.
Mr. Doobner, I havea complaint:
I work hard, and when I
go out with my family,
I expect a certain
level of basic
Shut up!
Now, since last we met...
Oh great, here it comes
all the boring things you've done
since the last time
you didn't kill us.
You never ask what
we've been up to.
We went to the strawberry patch
and I picked the most strawberries!
Shut up!
This time, to liven up my tale,
I brought along some visual aids.
Just call me...
Slideshow Bob!
Nobody do it.
Here, we see Krusty helping
you escape my clutches in Rome.
After that,
my family and I fled to England,
where I found work as a chimney brush.
Here's Buckingham Palace...
Sorry, there's a lot of these...
Bear with me.
Yeah, yeah, we've all been to England.
Is this going somewhere?
I never stopped plotting my revenge.
I snuck into America
amidst a bunch of undocumented
Canadian
comedy writers for
The Jimmy Kimmel Show,
whatever that is.
Then, it was merely a matter
of constructing my trap...
and producing the commercial
that lured you to your dooms.
Which, by the way,
got me an offer to direct a feature.
Which one?
"The Hills Have Eyes Three:
The Hills Still Have Eyes".
And now, the moment
we've all been waiting for...
Finally, the ribs.
You shall all perish
in a tragic accident
caused by a defective laptop battery
that will overheat,
then explode, setting off this TNT.
Hooooooo!
Let's not tarry
as Shakespeare said,
"If it were done when it's done,
then 'twere best it were done quickly. "
Power on.
Looks like you're trying
to blow up the computer.
Mind if hug my kids?
This time,
I've made no mistakes.
Actually, you made one.
What Shakespeare really said was,
"Twere well it were done quickly. "
Yes, I'm sure, you've studied
the Immortal Bard
extensively under your
Miss Hoover.
Macbeth, act one, scene seven.
Look it up!
I shall.
Come on, Wikipedia,
load, you unwieldy behemoth.
Oh, dear
Sideshow Bob,
"hoist on his own petard. "
It's "hoist with
his own petard. "
Oh, get a life.
Yet another new restaurant fails.
Ten-time attempted murderer
and
celebrity Jeopardy
runner-up Sideshow Bob
is in custody again.
Hmm...
Next case...
People versus Sideshow Bob.
Is the defendant's attorney present?
No, your honor.
I choose to represent myself.
And let me say...
I did try to kill the Simpsons.
I truly did.
Ohhhhhhhhh!
Okay, if he doesn't say "but"
right now, we are home free.
- But...
- Damn it!
I plead not guilty,
by reason of insanity!
Insanity caused by my persecution
at the hands of this young boy.
Young?
I'm the oldest kid in my class!
By like two years.
For my first witness I call my father,
Dr. Robert Terwilliger, Senior.
Look, that's Sideshow Bob's mother
Dame Judith Underdunk!
She's the greatest classical
actress of her generation.
Dame Judith, you were brilliant
in Troilus and Cressida.
Did they name the Toyota
Cressida after the play,
or the play after the car?
My son is on trial for his life.
I'm sorry, I know this
is a terrible time.
So just answer quick.
Play first, then car.
I just lost a thousand dollars.
Robert was a peaceful boy,
sickly and weak from
a congenital heart defect.
But then that Simpson boy
started tormenting him,
and he he crossed over
into dementia.
To what degree was
this dementia blown?
Full.
Stop feeling sorry for him!
He's a homicidal maniac!
He deserves to fry!
You see? He knows I'm going
through a rough patch,
still he harangues me.
Who among you have not suffered
at the hands of this demon scamp
and felt the urge for retribution?
He ordered prank pizzas
to 888 Poopy Pants Lane!
Poopy Pants Lane ends
in the 700 block!
He mocked my folksy ways!
He cheats at Uno!
Bob's playing all of you like saps.
This man's a killer!
See how he accuses me
--at my very own trial!
I can take no more!
I... I...
I didn't want to use this,
but you've left me no choice.
Nitroglycerin!
Everybody panic!
Yoink!
Foiled again, freak!
You don't understand!
I... I...
That nitroglycerin was medicine
for Robert's congenital heart
defect.
To which my earlier testimony referred.
This man is dead.
And you killed him.
Ew, gross--
I'm touching a dead guy!
America has a tradition
of turning outlaws
into legends after their deaths:
Billy the Kid,
Bonnie and Clyde,
Jesus Christ.
Joining them now is
Robert "Sideshow Bob" Terwilliger,
whose funeral we're presenting
with live shovel-to-shovel coverage.
And there we see
Bob's grieving parents,
his brother, Cecil, left out the
prison for the occasion,
his widow, Francesca,
and his son, Gino.
Also in attendance are Bob's colleagues
from the world of clowning.
A veritable who's who ha-ha.
Farewell, Sideshow Bob.
Your shoes are empty
and the stage is dark
Bart stole your nitroglycerin
And then your heart infarcked
And it seems to me your loyal fans
Oughta buy this DVD
Of all your best-loved sketches
On The Krusty Show
It's full of extra features
And deleted scenes
Like when you fell
and split your pants
And we saw
your "Frank and Beans."
There's the kid
who killed my best friend!
Buy my DVD.
Bart, I know this is nuts,
but try to look sad.
I'm not sad.
I have nothing to be sad about.
Nothing!
Well, I guess the rest of us
should pay our respects.
Yeah, well, between you and me,
I still can't stand him.
I still can't stand him.
I still can't stand him.
I still can't stand him.
I still can't stand him.
I don't care
about these church jerks.
Church jerks... church jerks...
Homer, your behavior is heinous.
Anus, anus...
anus, anus, anus...
Stupid Sideshow Bob.
Even when he's dead,
he wrecks my life.
I hope he's in hell
eating a barf burger.
I once felt that way, too.
Hey, aren't you Bob's brother?
Biologically, yes,
but we never got along.
He was always
zigging when I zagged.
That summer when he wanted to tour
the castles of Italy,
I wanted to tour
the castles of France.
So we went to Spain,
a compromise that satisfied no one.
That's stupid.
You talk like youre smart,
but you're stupid.
Anyway, I choose to remember
Bob as the big brother
who taught me to play Botticelli.
Sounds boring.
Oh, you'd love it.
It's a guessing game
in which one
player adopts the guise
of a noteworthy--
you're right, it is boring.
But the only way
you'll find happiness
is by making your peace with Bob.
Well, I guess I could say good-bye.
You'd better make it snappy.
They're cremating him in 30 minutes.
I'll be scattering his ashes
over the castles of France.
Take that, ashes.
Hey, Bart! You're on the
front page of the paper.
I'm going to set things right.
Wanna come with me?
I would, but tonight my dad's
taking me to the batting cage.
He's gonna teach me to umpire!
Check it out, an official
Major Leagueball/strike counter!
Ball one, ball two, strike one...
Bart? Bart?
Hi, Lisa.
Hate to mix"B" with "P,"
but your family owes
me for two weeks.
Milhouse, have you seen Bart?
Bart Simpson?
I think he went to pay his
respects to Sideshow Bob.
Mind if I sit down for a second?
My feet are killing me.
Feet... killing?!
We've got to save Bart!
Now?
But I'm getting a home perm.
Now!
Bob, it's me, Bart.
I came here to tell you
I never meant for you to die.
I just wanted you to go to jail
and get beat up a lot.
Now everyone wishes I was dead.
Then let's give the people
what they want!
Sideshow Bob!
Bob planned this
from the beginning.
He wanted to be captured
at the restaurant.
He would never get
a Shakespeare quote wrong.
No.
His mother was a Shakespearian actress.
- His father is a doctor.
- A doctor, huh?
So when Bob collapsed in the courtroom...
I remember.
...his father could take that
opportunity to inject Bob
with a powerful drug
that simulated death.
It was a diabolical scheme, and every
member of his family played a part!
Are you done? 'Cause I've been
circling the funeral home
- for ten minutes.
- Yes.
Cool, I found a trapdoor that
leads to an underground city.
Here I go!
Oh, my God, it's beautiful!
- Are you buying this?
- When they find your ashes,
they'll think it's me.
And I'll be far away
with my loving family.
It's the perfect crime.
And it was my flawless performance
as the grieving brother
that sealed the deal.
Yes, and Hamlet is all about Laertes.
Would you please stop
comparing me to Laertes!
If the doublet fits...
Stop that cremation!
Hey, what smells so good?
Zeus' pimples!
Hot! Hot! Hot!
You're too late, Simpsons!
Eat hobo remains!
Get me out of here!
What are you doing?
I can't breathe!
Marge, he's got to get
over his fear of coffins.
Freeze, Sideshow Snobs!
You're all under arrest.
You have the right to remain silent,
but I hope you don't.
It's a long way to jail
and I like to chitchat.
Wait, I must know.
How did you loosen the tiles
of my mosaic of murder?
I grew suspicious
when I saw the casket
had extra room
built-in for your feet.
Why would your family pay all
that extra money of a dead man?
Damn these glorious gunboats!
Nice try, Bob,
but you didn't count on one thing.
- What's that?
- You stink like my butt!
Take him away!
Oh, why must I feed him
straight lines?!
Well, this time I think Sideshow Bob
is finally locked up for good.
Yeah, the only thing that's
going to be hacked to pieces now
is this celebratory cake!
So who wants a nice big slice?
Slash!
Hack! Die!
There he goes again.
You have 87 years to get
used to it, Father.
East bids two hearts.
Three diamonds.
Three clubs.
The joke's not funny
and the bid's not sufficient.