The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 19, Episode 1 - He Loves to Fly and He D'ohs - full transcript

The Simpsons S19E01 (JABF20)
He Loves to Fly and He D'ohs

I will not wait 20 years
to make another movie

My summer love.

All right,

next on my shoping list....

a new phone.

Attention, shoppers,

iPhones now 20 cents.

What happened to that mini-cell
phone I gave you, sir?

Ooh, I thought that
was a lemon drop.

I'll go get the
number de-listed.



Well, well.

What have we here?

Why do I need another penny?

I have billions.

Still, if I don't take it,

that hoodlum over there might.

All right, penny,

prepare to be pinched.

Come to Papa.

Help...

me!

Help...

me!

Help...



me!

I guess this is the end.

I just wish I'd spent more
time at the office.

Hey, you're not a penny.

You saved my life

There must be something I can do for you.

A cookie. No, a car.

No, a cookie.

You're getting a free dinner.

With...

Yeah?

...me.

"Me"? But that's you.

I'll pick you up
at 5:00 tomorrow.

And I'll pick you up right now.

Got it.

See you at 5:00, then.

Dinner with Mr. Burns.

What a waste of my precious,

precious Saturday night.

Hey, Dad, have fun
with your boyfriend.

He is not my boyfriend!

So, Simpson,

I hear you like pizza pie.

I do.

My favorite

is Chicago deep-dish.

Chicago, eh?

Well, what if I took us there now?

Drive to Chicago?

I don't have time for that.

I have to be back
at work on Monday,

and my boss is a total jerk.

Who said anything about drive?

A p-p-p-private jet!

Now would you care
for some sushi?

yeah, but I'm
on a plane, idiot.

My name is Svetlana,

but you can call me "Hey, baby."

And just so you know,

she'll do anything for you.

Anything except sex.

And I do mean

anything.

I'm aroused...

and confused.

...Scratchy Show!

Stewardess!

Sorry, everyone.

Air traffic control says we have

to spend another three hours
on the tarmac.

This is wonderful.

Now, why don't you listen
to the musical stylings

of Mr. Lionel Richie?

Oh, my God,

Lionel Richie!

Can you sing "Say You Say Me,"
but make it about beer?

Sure, I guess.

Hey, you,

beer me

Beer me for always

That's the way it should be

Hey, you,

beer me

Beer us together

naturally.

Now make everyword "beer."

Beer, beer

Beer, beer

Beer, beer,beer, beer, beer.

Wait, I forgot the words.

Love you.

No!

If I leave the plane,

I'll be just like everyone else!

Ground control, this is November 543 Charlie.

We're going to need the extractor.

No!

Oh...

I want to be back on the plane.

We'll be back before you know it.

Wha...

Svetlana! Svetlana!

Oh, hush.

Now let's enjoy the Miami of Canada--

Chicago!

My kind of town

Chicago is

One town

That'll never, ever let you down

It's my...

Kind of town.

Okay, folks,for our first improv,

we're going to need an occupation.

Billionaire!

Nice job-- where do I apply?

Now I need a location.

I came to relax.

You think of it.

I heard"a Starbucks...

in Siberia."

- Oh...
- Killer premise.

Finally an emotion.

Drunk!

Okay, "drunk."

And now we take you to a drunken billionaire

at a Starbucks in Siberia.

Uh, excuse me

I need a,

I need a coffee.

Can you change
a billion-dollar bill?

Our coffee costs a billion dollars.

This is Starbucks.

In Siberia.

Why are you applauding them?

We wrote it.

While you were here,we felt like New York.

I'm so happy!

Homer, you smell like Chicago.

Did you fly there on a commercial airline?

No way. Commercial is for losers and terrorists.

I flew on a private plane.

Is it much different from a normal plane?

Please, tell me you're joking.

It's the difference between champagne

and carbonated pee.

Homie, what's wrong?

I had it all for one night.

Now for the rest of my life,

I'll know what I'm missing,

and all I have to remember it by

is that my ears haven't popped.

Well, I'll make sure that I never yawn again.

Hey, Homer.

D'oh!

Hi, Dad.

Hi.

High like a private plane?

The kind I'll never be invited to ride on again.

That's where you're wrong, Homer.

A fresh face!

This is Colby Krause.

I hired him to help you improve your life.

He'll get you back on a private plane in no time.

No way.

I don't need any shrink,therapist,

counselor, motivation all speaker or "guru."

I'm a life coach.

Oh, tell me more.

The first step in self-improvement

is to take a thorough look at your life.

If you're gonna film me,
I insist on a body double.

Is Uncle Fester still alive?

The camera's not on yet, right?

No.

D'oh! D'oh! D'oh!

Okay,

now I just want you to do

what you normally do.

Okay.

hmm, I'll just, uh...

I forget what I do.

Wait, what?

This is some of what I do...

I think.

Sometimes I go places.

This is our relish tray.

I'd like you to film it for insurance purposes.

Oh, what's the point of putting my socks on?

I just have to take them off again a week later.

Homer, before you even head
out the door in the morning,

you're already a loser.

Fine, I'll show you a winner, just you watch.

Think positive, think positive.

You were saying?

Homer, your journey downstairs would've been a lot safer

if you'd remembered

the NDCs of concentration:

Never Don't Concentrate.

Will you shut up?

I can't hear the song in my head!

Do you want to get a reaction shot of his butt?

No, but we should get some background noise.

Everyone quiet for four seconds.

Thank you, people.Moving on.

Here's an important tip:

Stop doing that.

I really enjoyed paying you to yell at me

and say I suck,but it's no use.

I'm a hopeless loser and always will be.

- Homer, you're up!
- This I can do!

Yeah! Wow!

- Boom!
- Way to go!

Behold my 217 average and weep.

As I said, I've lost all hope.

Homer, here in the bowling alley,
you're a totally different man.

- Relaxed, confident...
- Is this going somewhere?

What we have to do
is figure a way to make

"Bowling Alley Homer"
into "Everyday Homer."

I have an aunt
who became an uncle.

Is it like that?

I want you to wear
those bowling shoes

out the door and
everywhere you go.

It's crazy, but it just might work.

Dr. Fredrick J. Waxman,
you're a genius!

That's not my name.

I wasn't talking to you.

I'm the man

I spell "M"

"A" "N"

Man...

Homer, your shoe attitude
is bowling people over.

These are letters from companies
interested in interviewing you.

How many of those
have private planes?

This one.

"Handyman's Choice Copper Tubing"?

They need a safety inspector to fly
between their North American plants.

I'm getting that job.

Bart, I'll need some clean urine.
Stat.

Now to make sure you're
motivated to get this job,

you have to quit your old one.

I'll call your boss right now.

I'll get it, sir.

Just send it to voice mail.

You here for the
safety inspector job?

Well, I can see the position of
hand somest CEO is already taken.

I like you already.

If you can write your name
so I can read it, you're in.

I got the job!

- Yay, Dad!
- We knew you could do it!

Good luck on your first day, Dad.

Give 'em hell, Homer.

We're all so proud of you, sweetie.

I'm gonna get there early,

so I can get in good
with the lunch truck guy.

Find out if he has a wife!
We could double date!

- Yay, Dad.
- You're our hero.

Can I help you?

Uh, yeah. I have no
job and nowhere to go.

What do I have to buy
so I can sit here all day?

Well, with a coffee,
you can stay till lunch.

Then you have to order a solid.

One small coffee, please.

And a dozen of those
placemats with the maze on it.

They're all the same maze.

Somebody's got to do 'em.

Look happy.

So, how was your first day
at your new job?

Oh, it was great!

Flew to Tulsa on the company jet.

Did my job in a way consistent
with what I already told you.

Because that's what you do.

When you have a job.

I'm so proud of you, Dad!

Stop peppering me with questions!

Principal Skinner,

why did we have to leave the Learn
and Touch Reptile Zoo so early?

Well, it seems someone was riding
the giant tortoise naked.

It's not my fault.

The drinking fountain
dared me to do it.

Hmm? Freak fry!

Look out!
If it touches you, you die of suicide!

Don't do it!
Don't do it!

Dad?

I know it's you, Homer.

Why aren't you at your new job?

Well, explanation-wise,
the fact is that...

I lied.
I didn't get the job.

You see when I got there...

So, she said,

"That's not my in-box"

and he said,
"That's not the Johnson Report!"

You sure know how to repeat
the joke I just told ya.

But, as a formality, I must ask:

Do you know anything
about copper tubing?

Um... well, uh...

Come on, say
"You're hired"!

- No.
- Say it!

Leave your resume with Cheryl.

- Say it!
- Security! Security!

Stop saying "Security"!

Come on, just give me the job.

I like your hat.

- Just say the word.
- Cheryl.

I couldn't bear to tell your mother,
so I hang out here all day.

But, Dad, you gotta tell her.

She's been buying
brand-name groceries.

Brands like "Miser's Choice"
and "Day-Old Delights"?

No, things rich people buy,
like Campbell's Soup and Pepsodent.

Hello?

Honey, there's something
I have to tell you.

It's bad news, isn't it?

I should never get my hopes up.

Nothing ever works out for us.

No, it's, uh...
good news!

Really?

We're manufacturing
a new pipe diameter,

five-eighths inch.

The company wants you and me

to take the private plane
to New York for the premiere!

So meet me at Shelbyville
Airport in an hour.

If I'm gonna tell
that woman the truth,

I'm going to do it in the one place
no one can ever be sad.

Okay, so this should be enough
money to get me up in the air,

have a frank talk with Marge
then maybe eat a deviled egg.

Well, anything,
for a fellow Marine.

Yeah, semper fudge!

Uh, did you just say
"Semper fudge"?

No, I said the right thing.

Look at this business center.

Fax, Wi-Fi,
teleconferencing capabilities.

I'm gonna remember this day
for the rest of my life!

Uh, honey...

don't try to remember
the whole day.

Just what you're
feeling this second.

Sweetheart, what do you mean?

Marge, I gotta be honest...

- What was that?
- I don't know.

Maybe we flew through a rainbow.

I didn't think I'd be flying
today so I was doing heroin.

Homie, what are you doing?

You don't know how to fly!

I drove a car over a cliff once.
How different could it be?

What's the ocean doing
in the sky?

There's only one man
who can help us now.

Hello, and welcome to success.

It's Marge Simpson.

I need you to coach like
you've never coached before!

Marge, please, I'm with a client.

Now you listen here, bub!

We paid you all the savings
we had in the world.

You could at least tell my
husband something encouraging.

All right, Homer.
What is it you're attempting to do?

Win over a difficult client?

I'm trying to land a plane
with no experience.

Homer, I gotta tell you
I'm not very good.

I went to the Harvard of the South.

Duke? That's good.

- Not Duke.
- Vanderbilt?

A little further south.

Don't make me say it.

Duffman has reported you
to the FAA.

This near miss will be
investigated

by a board of three retired pilots.

Okay, Homer.

I don't know anything about planes,
but I know about you.

You have what made America great:

no understanding of the limits
of your power,

and a complete lack of concern
for what anyone thinks of you.

So you'll land that plane.

And do you know why?

Because I heard some guy say
you couldn't.

What? I'll show him.
I'll show that guy!

Elevation 300 feet,
200 feet, 50 feet...

Homer, you did it!

You landed a jet!

And now, to taxi to the terminal.

D'oh!

Marge, flying in private jets
is great and all,

but it's just too dangerous.

That's why I've decided
to go to the plant

and beg Mr. Burns
for my old job back.

I understand, Homie.

And at least we can take

the extra income you've earned
in the last few months

and set it aside for a rainy day.

You'd think so, but no.

Mr. Richie, your American Music
Awards are weighing us down!

Let them go!

- You let yours go!
- I don't have any.

That's right, you don't!