The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 18, Episode 9 - Kill Gil, Vol. 1 & 2 - full transcript

The Simpsons let Gil stay with them during Christmas. However, he stays for 11 months because Marge can't tell him "no."


Laugh it up with Christ and Krusty

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,

ha, ha, ha, ha

We got hired 'cause we are busty

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,

ha, ha, ha, ha.

Hey! Hey!

Oh... whoa... whoa!

Real nice

laughing at an old man's pain.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!



We've got a great show tonight,

with all your favorite

second-tier costume characters.

Like Ribwich Rib-it!

Matrix Poochie!

And right off the plane

from his dad's funeral,

Sideshow Mel!

And now for the highlight of our show,

a special appearance by Elvis...

...Stojko!

Olympic Medalist Elvis Stojko performs a graceful triple axel.

Elvis Stojko is so handsome.

He can lace up my skates any time.



Don't you hags know

that all male figure skaters

are "twinkly in the lutz"?

That's a common misconception.

I have a girlfriend in Vancouver.

Made-up girlfriend, made-up city.

Just think, Lisa,

if I had paid for those skating lessons,

that could've been you.

Say, Mel,

those figure skaters sure are having

a swell time out there.

Indeed!
Why don't we join them?

Oh, my back.

Wow, Krusty and Mel sure can skate.

Nothin' slows down the baby boomers.

Aw, don't look so shocked.

You knew the deal.

Children, we need your help.

The Grumple has stolen

all of our Holiday Cheer.

That can't be good.

Grumply, grumply groo,

I'll throw my net over you.

Look out!

It's the Grumple!

Oh!

Whoa, watch where you're going there, pally.

We've got a basketball game in an hour.

But we're trying to get to Mistletoe Mountain.

Tell it to the Utah Jazz, snowflake.

Elvis, Grumple,

Candy Kevin!

Let's teach these guys

the real meaning of Christmas.

Come on, Homer.

Let's get the kids out of here.

Homer?

Give back that Holiday Cheer, you bastard!

Never!

This sweater is gorgeous.

I'll take onein "wife" size

and three in"mistress" size.

Now Smithers,I need your advice

picking out a gift for a very dear friend of mine.

A single fellow,a bit quiet,

but one with a warm,loyal heart.

Well, sir, a fellow like that

might have had his eye on this silver frame.

It would go great with his collection of Art Deco...

Shut up, shut up!There he is.

Hello, Phillip.

What are you doing here?

Oh-ho. Never you mind, Mr. Nosey.

Are you going to that string quartet thing?

'Cause I'm not.

Are you still here?

Go pay for that.

Well, uh...

what can ol' Santa bring you for Christmas, son?

I want a dirt bike,

one of those video gamechairs that vibrate...

Dad, he's not the real Santa.

We can't afford that stuff.

Shut up.Shut up. Shut up!

I better go after him.

What can I do for you,young lady?

What I want can't be bought at any store.

Oh, what is it, sweetie?

Peace on earth?

What? No!

I-I mean,that's a given.

But also, the Malibu Stacy Pony Beach Party Set

with Sparkle Sand.

It's sold out everywhere.

You know,

Santa thinks he saw an extra Beach Party Set

sitting back in the stockroom there.

Really?

Y-you just wait here.

Let me go check,Sugar plum.

Oh, thank you,thank you, thank you!

You really made my daughter's Christmas.

Well, her smile made mine.

Gil!

March your fake bootfronts over here!

Mr. Costington!

Sir, I'm glad I have this chance to talk to you.

I've been on the payroll here since May,

and I'd really like

to start working in Ladies Shoes.

Not literally, of course.

I... I couldn't walk very fast,

though I'd learn if that's what it takes.

Never mind that now!

Did you sell the Malibu Stacy set I put aside?

That was for you?

It was for my daughter!

You nitwit!

I want my dolly!

You nitwit!

Now get back that toy.

Gee, I'm sorry, sir.

Taking back that doll would break

a little girl's heart on Christmas Eve.

I made a lot of mistakes in mylife, but I would never do that.

Well, then, you're...

fired!

But I...

Aw.

Oh, you poor man.

Fired on Christmas Eve.

Why don't you have dinner with us tonight?

Please, Santa?

Well, let me check the bus schedule here.

If I get it...make a transfer there.

Well, I could be there by 2:00 a.m.

We'll give you a ride.

That's swell.

Could you swing by my ex-wife's place?

I want her to see me riding in a car.

And a partridge in a...

...pear tree.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I guess ol' Gil should skedaddle.

You can't go home tonight.

It's cold.It's late.

Yeah, maybe I should spend the night here, too.

You're getting a cab, old man.

In fact, I believe I see it now.

But I haven't given you a present.

Your present is leaving.

Oh, I don't see a cab.

Well, since I'staying,how about another song?

Jazzin' around the Christmas tree

It's a skit skat holiday.

It's Christmas!

It's Christmas! It's Christmas!

I didn't think it would ever come, but it did!

What is all this?

Well, I figured since you invited me to stay,

I might as well go down to the bus locker
and get my stuff.

Oh.

Marge, we have a problem here.

You have a bigger problem out there.

Grumply, grumply groo,your blood will make my stew.

Do you think that's the same Grumple

from the ice show?

Because I do.

Hey Hey, who wants some eggs a la Harold Stassen?

Huh?

They're always running!

Do you really understand what that means?

Kinda.

Why did you let that loser into our home?

I'll tell you why:Christian charity.

Christian Charity?

What does a porn star have to do with this?

He's gotta go.

I promise you he'll leave after today.

Really?
Who's gonna make him?

I will.

He sure has a lot of markers that don't work.

Well, I got something.

Gah! A spider bite,

or as I like to call it,a "Christmas kiss."

Listen, uh, Gil...

I sort of thought that...

you know, you'd be on your way by now.

Really?

You're gonna put me out on Christmas day, huh?

Well, that's all right.

I can go down to the men's shelter.

I just hope that weird priest with the runny eye

ain't serving soup,'cause they...

Wait, you don't have a place to live?

Lower the boom.

I guess you don't have to leave till the holiday's over.

Has the boom been lowered?

No!

D'oh...

Appearing in their
first Rose Parade,

the marching band
from Altoona, Pennsylvania

playing "Rachel's Theme"
from Batman Begins.

Hey-ya, Marge,Happy New Year.
You make any resolutions?

Yes. One... involving you.

What a coincidence!
I made one, too.

I'm gonna move my fanny
off this sofa.

And move it over to
thatrecliner by the phone

'cause I'm expecting a call any minute
now from my old boss at Jackpot Realty,

asking me take over
the Scottsdale office.

Really?

Oh, yeah. That desert air's
gonna give the ol' one-two

to my bronchitis.

Oh... boy.

I guess you can stay
a little longer.

Ah, thank you, Marge.

You know, those floats
should really slow down

and savor it, 'cause your
lifecan go to Hell pretty quick.

We're not keeping that moocher
in this house another minute.

He's still in need.
We have to let him stay.

It's what Dr. Kingwo to do.

Oh, that's it.
We're changing doctors.

Please,
just a few more days.

Marge, admit it.

You just can't say
"no" to anyone.

That's why you have three kids.

It's true.
I do have trouble saying "no."

It all started when I was seven.

Marjorie,

we need you to hide our
cigarettes in your dollhouse.

No!

Mom?

Gramma?

Aunt Larina?

Anybody?

And that's why I have trouble
saying "no" to people.

Even Gil.

Marge, I have no idea
what you were just thinking about.

Why would you think I did?

What's a matter, Homer?

You still miss the UPN?

Yeah, but there's
something else.

There's this loser staying
in our house.

Marge says she's gonna kick him out,
but then she never does.

Well, you can't kick him out,

'cause then Marge will never
learn to assert herself.

Well, I guess I'll have
to wait for Marge

to show some backbone and
You again?!

What the hell is this thing?

Happy holidays

May the calendar keep
bringing happy holidays

Homie.

Wake up.

I rented that negligee you like.

Those legs go on forever.

Oh, wait, they stop right there.

Homer, don't forget
it's Valentine's Day!

What you gettin' the missus?

A heart-shaped box of chocolates.

Gil, listen.

We've been very patient,
but I want you to...

Is that for me?

Is it the Scottsdale job?

It's your foot doctor, Gil!

Yes.

Yes.

Oh, dear.

I can't tell him that!

Aw, geez!
Boy, I was...

Well, I'm still a winner!

As long as I got a cup of coffee

and a tomorrow on the calendar,
ol' Gil's comin' back.

Oh. Say, Homer, how about
closin' up that robe?

I'm seeing the whole butcher shop.

For your information,

since I bought it,
I put on a ton of weight.

Happy holidays

May the calendar keep bringing
happy holidays...

McCarthy pumps the old bassoon

While I the pipes do play

And Hennessy Tennessee
tootles the flute

And the music isawfully grand...

Oh, their drunken singing
is ruining St. Patrick's Day!

Well, just let 'em
finish this one song.

There's O'Brians, O'Ryans,
O'Sheehans and Meehans

They come from Ireland...

Happy Holidays

Happy Holidays...

While the merry
bells are ringing

May your every wish come true

Happy Holidays

Happy Holidays

May the calendar keep bringing
happy holidays to you.

Oh, man.

Now he even mooches
our lunches.

All he left me with are
these used nicotine patches.

Give me your lunch,
dingus.

Oh, mini quesadillas!

Zesty!

Happy Holidays
May the calendar keep bringing

happy holidays to you.

Im so sick of Gil.

He ruins Thanksgiving,
uses my leg razor to peel his carrots...

Marge, I hate to
interrupt the ol'solilo-diddly-iloquy,

but I just want to thank you
for your early Christmas card.

Christmas card?

I haven't even taken
the photo yet.

Isn't this your posse on this glossy?

That Photoshopping freak!

Oh, I don't mean to cause
Gil ill will, but still...

Don't you defend him!

I want that mooch out
of my house right now!

Marge, I've never seen
you like this before.

That's right!

I just found my gumption,
and I like it!

Marge Simpson is gonna say no!

Gil! Gil?

Gil!

Gil's gone.

Back to Scottsdale.

- Problem solved.
- End of story.

Can we have pancakes
for dinner?

Gil's gone?

But I have a "no" inside met
hat has to come out.

Hey, Marge,
you want a thousand dollars?

No!

I mean, yes!

Too late.

Don't worry. I make
six of those a year.

Even though Gil left,
I still have to kick him out.

I need this, or I'll never
be able to say "no."

Mom, I understand
your psychological need,

but I'm not sure what you can do.

I'll tell you what.

- We're going to Scottsdale!
- Scottsdale?

Will we stay at a Tripletree Resort?

- Sure.
- Then forget it!

I'll ask these active
seniors if they know Gil.

I'll have you know I'm 32.

There he is!

Gunderson?!

Whoa, Gil's a big shot!

And to think he and I once
shared a shower.

I don't care
how successful Gil is.

He's still a mooch,
and I need to tell him off!

117 degrees?

Ooh, that reminds me.

There's water under the seat!

Now remember, Marge,

we're not buying anything
for more than 1.2,

but if I scratch my nose,
that means we can go to 1.5.

People, remember,
you're selling dreams!

When a family owns a home,

And what matters most
isn't the commission you make,

it's the smiles on their faces

when they know they own
that land free and clear.

He's the best I've ever seen.

He's talking at a Century 22 level.

Gil, remember me?

Marge Simpson?
What are you doing here?

Lookin' for a home
on a quiet cul-de-sac,

where your neighbor
could be Tanya Tucker?

Listen, bub.

I have something to say to you,
and it can't wait.

Oh, well, looks like we got
a Backout Bettyon our hands.

But watch ol' Gil take her
from furious to curious.

Now, ma'am, you say
you can't wait, and you're right.

With interest rates climbing
and choice properties

in the Kingsbridge School
District drying up...

The only house I'm
interested in is my own,

which you defiled
for 11 hellish months.

But now I've
learned to say "no!"

No to your mooching!
No to your manipulation!

And a big fat no to the
Kingsbridge School District!

Aw, come on, you can't
say no to ol' Gil.

No!

Why, he's as pathetic as we are.

Gunderson!

I put you in charge
of this office

because I thought
you could tame this town.

You're fired!

Here's a box for your stuff.

I can't live in this!

May the calendar
keep bringing

Happy holiday to...

Ba-ba-bop-de-ba-you!

Grumply, grumply groo,

we're here to share
Christmas with you!

Have a grumply grumply
Christmas

Free of grumply groo

Oh, by grumple, have a grumply
grumply Christmas, won't you?