The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 18, Episode 5 - GI (Annoyed Grunt) - full transcript

After Bart has been seduced by a violent army recruitment video into pre-enrolling when he leaves school,Marge sends Homer to the army base to sort things out but he ends up enlisting himself. Too stupid for frontline infantry he has to play the part of a fugitive enemy in a destructive manoeuvre which severely damages the town as a gung-ho army colonel orders his capture and hunts him down. Fortunately Marge has a plan to beat the colonel at his own (war) game.

The Simpsons 18x05 (HABF21)
G.I. (Annoyed Grunt)

we are not all naked under our clothes

Bart, can we go to
Banana Republic?

There's a mannequin there
I have a crush on.

Milhouse, that is the most
pathetic thing I ever...

Oh, my God. She's beautiful.

Bullies!

Wait.

They're employees.

They have to be nice to us.
Let's go.

Oh, shoe-boy?



I'm looking for something
in a cross-trainer.

What size do I smell like?

You're dead, Simpson.

Dude, don't lose it
in the workplace.

We're already on thin ice
with Mr. Friedman.

The shoe size calibrator is for
measuring feet and nothing else.

Yes, Mr. Friedman.

I'm sorry, Mr. Friedman.

That tie really brings out
your eyes, Mr. Friedman.

You're lacing it wrong.

I want it overy-undery,
not undery-overy.

Re-lace them all.

No.

Attention part-time
sales representatives.



I'm leaving this job to
work at Jolly Tamale

because the hours are better
and my mom's really sick.

When you leave what
happens to your rule

about not whaling on customers?

That rule leaves with me.

Idle teens at 1:00.

Intercepting in three, two.

'Sup, guys?

Heard the new rap CD?

Yo, I don't know
what I dig more,

hip-hop, krunk, or
serving my country.

Are you guys hitting on us?

No, man, we just want

to talk to you about something
near and dear to us.

What? Being gay?

Close. The Army.

Because of exciting
current events,

and my mom's really sick.

the Army needs new members.

When you leave,

New members who want to
earn money for college,

and see a part of the world
that tourists never go to.

Doesn't the Army have
to fight in wars?

Not wars, global struggles.

You guys like globes?

Let's go, dudes.

Damn it.

Even the dumbest teenagers
in the dumbest town

in the dumbest state know
better than to join the Army.

Well, we'll just
have to go younger.

What's this assembly for?

A surprise Doodlebops concert?

Standardized tests, standardized tests,
standardized tests.

How many of you
like video games?

Well, what if there was
a violent video game

that you could play for free, plus
it's real life and not a game at all?

Wouldn't that be slammin'?

Who are these wonderful people?

Now we brought along a movie.

Do you guys know where we can find
some awesome kids to show it to?

Dearborn, Michigan?

No, here.

You got it.

I'm imagining that knight is me!

Ooh.

The Army

It's everything you like.

Ah.

Now you can't legally join
the army until you're 18,

but if you pre-enlist now,
we will save you a spot

in America's next unresolvable conflict.

Listen to those half-pencils scribble.

Thanks for fitting us in, Sergeant Skinner.

Well, I'd do anything
for my beloved Army.

Well, how about re-enlisting?

How about you bite me?

Great news, Ma.

I agreed to join the army when I turn 18.

What? Homer!

Our son joined the Army.

Eh, big deal, by the time Bart's 18,

we're going to control the world.

We're China, right?

Now listen, Bub.

You go down to those recruiters

and tell them Bart is
too young for the Army.

I don't want this to bethe
only memory I have of him.

How come I can't join the army,
but Lisa gets to be in PETA?

I think she just
answers their phone.

Hey.

Uh...

Fur is murder!

When's the Krusty movie coming out?

Whoa. Uh, hey.

No, you can't.

Uh, this one's ruined.

Give me the backup.

Now the babies.

And the monkey head mittens.

Yeah, I'm a real class act.

Okay, Mr. Simpson, we'll
tear up your son's contract.

Sorry, guys.

You know, his mother's the
one who made me come down here.

Sounds, uh, like you're kind of tired
of being bossed around at home.

Go on.

Would you be interested in, um...

well, I don't know, joining the army?

Wouldn't that take me away from my
family for two whole years?

Hey, a big target like you will
be home a lot sooner than that.

Woo-hoo! Where do I sign?

Now where's my parade?

Where's my parade?

We have this issue of Parade Magazine.

Ooh, "Who makes what in America."

Army private: $14,000 a year. D'oh!

Homer, with all the
things you've done...

go into space, attend clown
college, join the Navy...

I never thought you'd
join the Army.

Whoa, even the Army
has Humvees now.

Homie, don't do this.

You have a wife and
three young children at home.

I have to, Marge.

Who else is gonna keep oil
under a hundred dollars a barrel?

You? Don't make me laugh.

You couldn't...

Aw, oh, oh, don't, no.

Daddy's just teasing.

Of course you could.

You could keep it under a hundred.

Yes, you could.

No, she couldn't.

Fort Clinton (Not That Clinton)

Attention!

Ordinarily, I would spend
the next two hours

questioning your sexuality,
running down your hometowns,

and telling you to drop
and give me various numbers.

Are you gonna ask us our
major malfunctions?

'Cause mine is I care too much.

Unfortunately, the demand
for troops has never been higher,

so we've got to speed things up.

While you've been standing
here, your hair's been cut,

and your clothes have been
replaced with army fatigues.

Here's your nicknames: Brooklyn, Hollywood,

Kissimmee-St. Cloud, Florida, Maveri,

Blanket Hog, Newman's
Own, Master of Suspense,

England's Rose, Nickname Pending,

Bram Stoker's Dracula, and Snowflake.

Snowflake?

What happens to me in the summer?

A troublemaker, huh?!

You're gonna sit here and eat donuts,

while the rest of the
unit does push-ups!

I don't understand.

How does punishing them
teach me a lesson?

Just for that, they'll do
the push-ups one-handed,

while you eat Alaskan King salmon
and I give you a foot rub!

I like rubbing people's feet

Corns and bunions are a treat

I can give massage real well

If you know why, don't ask, don't tell.

Congratulations, you have all
completed basic training.

Our base commander will now
give you your assignments.

Okay, listen up!

Man, you've got an awesome voice!

Well, thank you.

Can you say,"Side effects may include

drowsiness and loss of appetite"?

Side effects may include drowsiness
and loss of appetite.

Hmm, sounded better in my head.

Now, we've graded
your aptitude tests

and assigned you specialties
to match your skills.

Frontline infantry.

Frontline infantry. Frontline infantry.

Frontline infantry.

I joined to make recruitment films.

Well, you know where you're gonna
get good footage, don't you?

Ooh, tell me.

Frontline infantry!

Everyone got an assignment but us.

I wonder what makes
us so special.

Gentlemen, I'll be frank.

Never before has the
Army accepted recruits

with test scores as low as yours.

That's an odd way to start
handing out medals.

I'm not handing out medals!

But I am gonna give you a
special assignment.

The Army is conducting war games,

and we want you to play the enemy.

Don't you get it?

They're using us as patsies
to make the Army look good.

Are we that stupid?

This avocado just gave
me a wedding ring.

- So they're not shipping you overseas?
- Nope.

I'm gonna stay here and let them test
their laser-guided super weapons on me.

Like that one.

Don't worry, Dad.
You'll do great.

Okay, these are war games,
and I'm head of my team.

I have to think
like a great military leader.

Ah, stay crunchy in milk.

I will!

Stay crunchy, men.
Stay crunchy.

This'll be like shooting cats
off of Grandma's sofa.

Oh, my God, I just remembered.

It's Chinese New Year!

Gung hay fat choi!
Gung hay fat choi!

Americans!

After them!

Sir, you can't just invade an
American city without authorization.

I sure as hell can!

Congress slipped it into the
National Broccoli Day Proclamation.

I was wondering why you
were carrying that thing around.

I thought we were gonna have
a day off or something.

Think again.

Now, move out!

- Is this war?
- No, sir, just a simulation.

Whew, this pain feels so real.

Uh, it is real.

Oh. Guess I'd better
do my part.

Bring it on, chumps!

Fingers, fingers, fingers.

What you doing, Moe?
Drawing a wang on Marmaduke?

Heck, no.

I'm challenging myself
with one of these, uh, Sudoku games.

What, that Japanese puzzle
in which no numeral can be repeated

in a row, column, or box?

That's how it works?

I was just drawing
wangs on the numbers.

Moe, Moe, you got to hide us
from the Army.

The Salvation Army? You got it.

Not that Army,
the one from Stripes!

Okay.

Thanks, Moe.
How can I ever re pay you?

Hey, some things mean
more to me than money.

Like a whole lot of money.

Why did you just say
that sentence fragment?

Uh, it, uh... long story.

War game's over, losers.

Hey, they's using live ammo.

Well, what have we got?

Rise, my pretties.

Find our enemies and capture
their image in your filmy fortress.

I think we ought to
just go up there and surrender.

I'm not gonna surrender.

You've seen what the US
Army does to prisoners.

How would you like to
be stacked naked in a pile

with a hillbilly girl pointing
at you and laughing?

That was our last Christmas card.

Yeah, Marge always loves your cards.

Well, you may not be the
smartest guys in the Army.

Homer Simpson!

We have captured your unit!

We're telling off-color jokes
and laughing as a group.

Come and join the fun bunch.

I'd give anything
to hear Homer's voice.

"H" means "hot"?!

Stupid Army, searching for me with
that giant helicopter in the distance.

It's not giant and
it's not in the distance.

It's small and
it's in our room!

Predator drone!

This means war.

- I thought it was already war.
- I hate you.

Attention, Springfield!

We are rounding up and detaining
all men who are fat or bald,

or have ever been amused by
the antics of Homer Simpson.

Excuse me.
I don't belong here.

I am not bald.
I am balding!

Ugh, why will no one honor the "-ding"?

I honor the "-ding", sir.

The hell are you talking about?

Sir, maybe we should just quit.

This operation has cost
over $50 million since lunch.

US government policy is very clear.

Never back down.
Never admit a mistake.

That's why we've won
over half the wars we've fought.

Mom, we've got to stop
them from pacifying our town.

Don't worry.
I have a secret weapon

one more deadly than any gun.

- Lisa's face?
- A phone tree.

Huh?

Well, you'd better hurry.

I don't think Dad can last much
longer where he's hiding.

Dorothy's daughter comes every Sunday
and brings all kinds of wonderful soups.

- Oh...
- And Melvin's son brings a banjo.

And he works our names
into his songs.

Oh...!

Hello, Helen?

I'm calling about the recent
destruction of our town.

Well, I have a little
plan to fix their wagon.

- Hello.
- Hello.

- Hello.
- Hello.

- Hello.
- Hello.

Yes, Nelson,
of course I'll help.

And a haw-haw to you.

So that's the plan.

We're meeting at the
reservoir at 8:00 p.m.

I flushed a potato
down the toilet.

Now we have to live in a hotel.

Terrific.
Now call Lindsay Naegle.

Marge, why did you have us
bring our liquor to the reservoir?

We're going to dump it in
the water to get the Army drunk.

Wow, uh...

this'll be the first time
I ever watered down my booze.

Moe, why are your eyes
darting back and forth so much?

Oh, I-I'm just thinking about a
great tennis match I saw once, yeah.

Uh, uh, now I'm thinking
about ping-pong.

A... ver-very fast chess game.

A... snappy David Mamet play.

What the hell... happened to us?

I'll tell you what
happened to us.

Y-You used to be cool and
then you got promoted.

- I'm still cool.
- Oh, really?

When's the last time we took the tank
and went down to Hansen's Point?

Just the two of us?

All right, all right, here's the plan.

We're gonna take a li-little nap,

and then we're gonna
wake up fresh as daisies.

Colonel, we're here to discuss
the terms of your surrender.

Surrender?
Never.

Hmm, let's see what your
hangover has to say.

Great Cheney's Ghost!
You win.

Colonel, I hope you've learned
that an occupying foreign force

can never defeat
a determined local populace.

Among the many things
we learned in Vietnam...

Horn, please.

Simpson, you may have won,
but you still have to serve

the remainder of your tour of duty.

All right, but no combat.

Don't you worry, ma'am.

A man of your husband's ingenuity
can be put to very good use.

Dudes.

Want to make some
extra spending money?

Get a free pair of boots?

Hey, baby,
you like obstacle courses?

Thinking it over, huh?
I'm cool with that.

Hey, pal, like the way
you handle that mop.

You like killing?

Hey, ladies.

Are you tired of waiting
for sanctions to work?

I know I am.

Transcript: Raceman
Trad: Rassman, Gornack
Synchro: Job22, Daffy