The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 18, Episode 4 - Treehouse of Horror XVII - full transcript

The Simpsons 18x04 (F81379)
Treehouse Of Horror XVII

Whoa!

Hello, boils and ghouls.

I am the crypt-keeper,

or should I say master
of scare-i-monies?

Priceless, sir.

You made the word
"ceremonies" frightening.

I know what I did.

Hey, can we get going here?

Listening to you two is more
torture than the torture.

Actually, no, this is worse.



Although the right nipple
spike seems a little dull.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, that's barbaric.

Whoa, look at that!

My blood's a genius.

Fancy Roman numerals
and everything.

Married to the blob

Look! A shooting star!

Hey, that's great.
Let's look at it after.

Whoa!

That almost tore my head off.

Oh, you always find an
excuse not to make out.

Whoo! A space marshmallow.

Where do you think you're going?



Dad, no!

It could teach us the secret
of interstellar travel.

If he's so smart, how come he
can't stay out of my mouth?

How could you eat that goo?

You don't know what
galaxy it's from.

Marge, I ate it; it's over.

Oh, no, you don't!

If I can keep down Arby's,
I can keep down you.

Must eat, then poop,
then eat some more,

then eat while pooping.

Still hungry.

Dad?

Son, let me have a lick at you.

Homer!

You won't eat my stuffed
peppers, but you'll eat our son?

Nag, nag, nag.

Is that the cat?

Uh, no, just gas.

Food. Ooh. Food.

Ooh, teenagers.

No, today's teens have enough
problems without me eating them.

Barbeque sauce fight!

Oh, I gotcha!

The flames are sealing
in my juices.

I'll savor you.

Mmm.

Extra-virgin.

Tell my friends I
died kissing a girl!

No.

Ooh. Beer-battered Germans.

What did we Germans ever
do to deserve this?

Oh, right.

Must eat more fat people.

Thank God I'm in America.

♪ I like big guts and I cannot lie ♪

♪ Double chins with the chafing thighs ♪

♪ When a dude walks in
with the hanging jowls ♪

♪ My stomach starts to growl... ♪
♪ I'm gettin' hungry ♪

♪ So I masticate, chomping
on the overweight ♪

♪ I eat fat people for days ♪

♪ Like potato chips by Lay's ♪

♪ Try to eat just one, ♪
♪ but it can't be done ♪

♪ I've got to eat a ton ♪

♪ Baby likes fat ♪

♪ Baby likes fat. ♪

I used to think these shirts
were just for fat slobs.

It's blob rule on the
streets of Springfield.

And to make matters worse,
we're also being attacked

by a 50-foot Lenny.

Everyone's paying
attention to Homer.

I still like you.

Thanks, Invisible Carl.

Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm.

Hi-de-ho, Bloborino.

Eh. Mm.

Homer?

Hmm?

I need to talk to you.

Dr. Phil McGraw!

You've got a weight
problem, and you know it.

You're right.

Starting tomorrow, no
bread before dinner.

Homer, don't sell me an outhouse
and tell me it's the Taj Mahal.

Yeah, Homer, stop doing that.

It's time to open up
a can of honesty.

You're thinking about eating
me right now, aren't you?

Aren't you?

That's ridiculous,
talking fudge.

Homer, your family's here.

And you got to help me help
them help you help me help you.

Marge, I missed you.

All this eating has put me in
the mood for a little lovin'.

I have to be honest with you...

I can't love a 4,000-ton cannibal.

What happened to
"for better or for worse?!"

Dad, you're eating Dr. Phil.

It's amazing.

He tastes just like
Jeffrey Tambor.

Food does not equal love!

Marge, to keep you in my
life, I'd do anything.

There must be some
way to turn my problem

into a positive for the community.

Hmm... Hmm...

In you go, boys.

We've got everything... warm beds,
square meals, homeless women.

I got a bad feeling
about this, Blue.

Get in there.

Nice to be indoors, isn't it?

You gotta know when to golem

Finally, I'd like to announce...

that starting Monday, this show
will be broadcast in HDTV.

Here's how I'll look.

Heh?

That's right... Look at your hero!

Good night, everybody.

Aren't you coming, Bart?

Nah, I'm gonna go
backstage and complain.

This Krusty Brand alarm clock
sprays acid in your face.

Oh!

You already showed me before!

Whoa, Krusty's prop room.

Cool! It's that clown car all
those midgets drowned in.

Wha..?

Hey, kid.This ain't a museum.

That's a museum.

For kids, $49 bucks.

Krusty, what's that monster?

It's the Golem of Prague.

Legendary defender of the Jewish people,

like Alan Dershowitz,
but with a conscience.

I kid Alan. We're friends.

Anyway, back in the 1600s...

a rabbi created this magic
creature out of humble clay.

The golem would perform any task

that was written on a scroll
and placed in its mouth.

Now he works for me.

So the wife says,"I don't
have to pay for it.

I put it on my charge plate."

You suck, clown!

You made my lady cry!

"Come to my house at midnight."

Now if you'll excuse me,

I have to rehearse my
"Desperate Houseflies" sketch.

Buzz, buzz.

Ooh, here comes that
sexy young garbageman.

I'm gonna need a shoebox full of
blow to get through this dreck.

Bart, there's something I have
to tell you father to son.

I passed out on your
turtle and killed it.

Someday you'll thank me.

Hey, Milhouse.

It worked!

Now, there's something I've
wanted to do for a long time.

Can't you read my writing?

I didn't say kick Homer's "walls".

What's goin' on?

Ow! That's better.

Yo, Simpson.

Give us your lunch money.

Mmm... I don't think so.

In fact, why don't you
give me your lunch money?

Well, who's gonna make us?
That golem?

No, my go-

Yes, him.

Finally, someone who
does whatever I say.

Hey, Bart, I shaved my
head like you told me.

Get lost.

Yes, Master.

Bart, did your mystical Jewish
monster beat up those bullies?

Oh, it's always the Jews' fault.

Well I think your golem doesn't like
hurting people and I'll prove it.

"Speak."

Finally, I can talk!

This is the voice I've got?

Sounds like I should be selling
egg creams in Brighton Beach.

That's what we
call Jewish humor.

You don't have to understand it
'cause the words sound funny.

Meshuggeneh. Hilarious.

Hello? Huh?

It's funny, believe me.

Do you feel bad
about what you did?

Of course I feel bad.

My stomach feels like it's hosting
the Chabad telethon...

and Norm Crosby's going long.

"Kill the czar"?
Now that's an old one.

Hey, boy, where's your mud buddy?

I have a little job for him.

Oh, he was driving me crazy,
so I sent him on an errand.

Skinner! Just let him kill you already.

That's the man I was
telling you about.

Skinner!

I wish we'd been closer.

Get him out of here, Willie.

You'll make better mulch
than you did a man.

I may be bifurcated,
but I still have feelings.

I feel so guilty. I've mangled
and maimed 37 people

and I told a telemarketer
I was busy when I wasn't.

I'm not a good man.

He sure is neurotic for a monster.

The cure to any man's problems
is a good relationship.

Yeah, get him a woman.
That'll end his misery.

Ow, ow!
This hurts so much.

Just write a scroll
asking him to stop.

Writing's for nerds.

You got a surprise for me?

The surprise would be if I found
some good live theater in this town.

Then people could have some drinks,
watch Fiddler. Very nice.

Will you shut up.

Is she for me?

Hanukkah came early this year,
which it sometimes does.

Hello, everybody.

Ugh! What's with this outfit?

It looks like a lion ate
a parrot and then threw up.

- Well, back to the drawing board.
- No!

What are you? Nuts?
She was made for me.

I now pronounce you monster
and whatever you are.

Shayna punim.

Not so fast.

You're wanted for the
murder of Seymour Skinner.

Oh, come on, Chief.

We've got a lat kebar downstairs.

Latkes? What the hell are those?

- They're pan-fried...
- Case dismissed.

Wonderful!

♪ Gloomy Sunday ♪

♪ With shadows I spend it all ♪

♪ My heart and I have decided ♪
♪ to end it all... ♪

I don't get it.

What's so "Great" about
this Depression?

Well, I like how everything's
sepia-toned.

Makes me feel all nostalgic.

I never thought it would come to this
when I fought in the first World War.

First World War?
Why you keep callin' it that?

Oh, you'll see.

We interrupt this dance music
from the Meridian Room

in Capital City's
fabulous Hotel Hitler

to bring you a special bulletin.

Hey, I'm not done dancing.

This bulletin better swing.

Reports are coming in
of giant metal cylin landing

on the outskirts
of major American cities.

Cylinders?

Astronomers say
the ominous capsules

originated from Earth's
closest neighbor.

- Flanders?
- Mars.

So, it's a war of the worlds.

Good thing we got the
sun on our side.

Go ahead and hide, you coward.

I'm in the small town
of Grover's Mill...

where a crowd has gathered around one
of the strange martian cylinders.

It's opening.
A tentacle is emerging.

Settle down, children.

Have a cigarette to
calm your nerves.

Oh, my stars. It's firing
a beam of pure energy.

It's burning people alive.

Okay, boys, we're under attack.

Let's drive 'em out of town
the way we did with the Irish.

Hey, I'm Irish.

Oh, wait, I'm Polish.

The devastation is incredible.

They're grinding up the
bodies of human beings.

Now they're riding
horses in the rain.

Now they're playing the xylophone
while bowling near an airport.

Now, before we all die,

one last selection from the
Nathan Newley Orchestra.

♪ I'm young and healthy ♪
♪ And you've got charms... ♪

Gee, Mr. Welles,
this sure is a swell show

you're puttin' on for the folks.

Well, I just hope our
saucy lile radio prank

will give these "folks," as
you call them, a giggle, a gasp,

and provide a good lead-in
for Misters Amos and Andy.

Burn everything!

You know, Homer, we haven't
actually seen these aliens.

That's alien talk.

"Big Band Stu," says 23 Skidoo.

We have nothing to fear...

but the aliens and their vastly
superior killing technology.

Boys, we have to assume
our guns are useless.

Throw 'em in the lake.

Good. Now, the police car.

Wait, did you get my sweater
out of the front seat?

Uh, yeah.

- Well, where is it?
- I'll go get it.

Wait, I have an idea.

The Martians are only killing humans,
so we should pretend to be animals.

Ingenious!

Everyone, remove your
clothes and wallow in filth.

What is everyone doing?

We're out smarting the Martians.

Martians?

You do know that radio
broadcast was a hoax?

Yeah, it was an Orson Welles radio play
of War of the Worlds.

See?

I'm proud of what I achieved
during my rioting.

It was either kill him or kill no one.

Foolish Earthlings.

Now is the perfect time to strike.

They'll think it's another hoax.

Dad, a flying saucer
blew up that statue.

Lisa, that was
just a radio show.

Uh, Paw.

Please, you must believe me,
this is no hoax.

This is a real invasion.

Oh, yeah? Why don't I just
punch you in the nose, Bud?

"Nosebud."

Chief, you've got
to alert the military.

Fine, fine,
I'll do it right now.

- US Army. What's the threat?
- Uh, we've been invaded...

by a pompous, radio ham.

How's it feel when the
hoax is on the other foot?

I must admit it's unpleasant.

You fool.
You've doomed us all.

Eh, tell it to the Great
Gildersleeve.

Well, they didn't eat the skin.

That's... that's healthy.

Colonel Kang, your report.

Uh, well...

The Earthlings continue
to resent our presence.

You said we'd be
greeted as liberators.

Don't worry.

We still have the people's
hearts and minds.

I don't know.

I'm starting to think
"Operation: Enduring Occupation"

- was a bad idea.
- We had to invade.

They were working on weapons
of mass disintegration.

Sure they were.

♪ I don't want to set ♪
♪ the world on fire ♪

♪ I just want to start a ♪
♪ flame in your heart. ♪

Transcript: Raceman
Trad: Rassman, Gornack

Trad: Rassman, Gornack
Synchro: Job22, Daffy