The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 18, Episode 3 - Please Homer Don't Hammer 'em - full transcript
Marge begins her own carpentry business, but Homer becomes the face of the business because nobody will take a female carpenter seriously. And Bart uses Principal Skinner's peanut allergy to his advantage.
This place is looking
a little run down.
Yeah, hasn't
been the same
since they murdered
the Mayor's dad here.
Ooh, a J.C. Penney's...
used to be here.
Now it's a collection
of candle kiosks
and Persian CD stores.
How you doing, bro?
We've got the latest by Nabil,
Uma Shang Shang,
The Flower Song!
Uma shang shang
Uma shang shang
uma shang shang
Is like Bruce Springsteen
the Boss, ya?
I guess.
If you buy now,
I give you, uh, toothache cream.
Toothache cream.
Deal!
We have deal.
Where's the beef?
You ain't so bad.
Where's the beef?
You ain't so bad.
Where's the beef?
You ain't so bad.
These games are so old.
Who got these high scores?
Pilgrims?
Hmm, never saw this one before.
What's going on here?
Am I destroying these triangles
or trying to assemble them?
What does this button do?
Now my ship is pooping
more triangles.
Oh, no, I won a free game.
Ooh, gummy worms!
That candy's been here
an awfully long time.
I'd think twice if I were you.
Don't tell me
how many times to think!
Mmm...
You are not bringing
that thing home.
Then stand back.
This doesn't taste
like I thought it would.
Well, if you're through,
let's check out that
discount book warehouse.
We already own a book.
Wisconsin From Above.
Veterans' Day Parades.
Ooh, Smiles of Ireland!
Redheaded twins?
Their mother must have
Their mother must have
her hands full.
Hmm.
Cool, a carpenter's library.
This doesn't look easy,
but I'll bet it is.
Well, I like the idea
of you as a handyman.
And I love the idea
of you reading.
Oh, yeah?
Blah, blah, blah, blah.
Blah, blah, blah,
Ooh
Oh!
Blah, blah, blah,
Blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah...
Okay, now you do me.
I never want to go back to that mall.
There were eelsin the photo booth.
Eww!
Bart, here's a letter from your school.
A fire? I didn't start a fire in the teachers' lounge.
I mean, what fire?
I mean, a letter from school?Please elaborate.
Someone at your school
has a life-threatening peanut allergy.
Cool! Who is it?
The letter doesn't say.
But from now on,no peanut products
are allowed on school property.
Hmm, let's see what you've got.
Peanut butter and jelly sandwich,
trail mix, starring peanuts.
Good grief, more peanuts!
Harley Mozell is hit from behind
by J.T. Delacroix!
And Earl Tilleson!
Oh, and Buddy Rollette!
And the Pecker Brothers,
Danny and Dell!
And the ol' Grizzly himself--
Weasel Johnson Junior!
Look at that carnage.
We are worse
than the ancient Romans!
Homie, don't you want to build something
with your new fix-it books?
I did. I made a foot rest.
Oh, don't you have any follow-through on anything?
What's the point?We're all slowly dying.
Oh, the floorboard
broke my nightstand.
Hmm...
Hmm...
I did it!
What's that strange feeling?
It's "of accomplishment"!
Wow, Mom, you made all this?
It's like you're the Jesus of carpentry.
Aww, what a sweet blasphemy.
This is a valuable skill.
People might even pay you to build things for them.
I could start my own carpentry business.
I'm already arranging the clip art
for the letterhead in my mind.
Perfect!
Can I help you, Miss?
I'm here to fix your bookcase.
You answered my flyer.
Hmm, yeah.
And you're the carpenter?
That's right.
I see. Not that I have anything against female carpenters,
but I have some pictures hanging
that you might find,um... unsavory.
Good-bye.
A lady carpenter?
I don't know.
What if you get pregnant
and I'm left with half a hot tub?
And don't tell me you're infertile.
I ain't falling for that again.
It's so unfair.
I'm as handy as any man.
You sure are, sweetie.
I love this bed you made.
I guess people just expect their carpenter
to be some fat guy with his butt crack showing.
Homer, your butt just gave me
a brilliant idea!
Yep, it'll do that.
"Simpsons Manly-Man Handyman"at your service.
Ah, superlative!
Please install a doggie door
sized for a teacup poodle.
No problem.
Why don't you go inside and stir your flubber
while I get to work?
Marge, the coast is clear.
I'm terribly sorry.I thought I heard
the sound of a woman measuring.
Oh, uh, that was me.
You know that old saying:
"Measure like a girl,hammer like a guy."
Yes, but you're holding your hammer backwards.
Oh, uh... you know what they say,
"Hammer with the wood and it's all good."
It's all good.
All right, then.
A dash of glue,
a turn of screw,
and a gazebo's built that's perfect for two... or more.
Uh-oh, switch!
Eh... eh... eh!
And... done!
Mm-mmm!
Simpson, you're a master craftsman.
Listen,what would you say
if I told you a woman did most of the work?
I'd have this gazebo torn downand built into a coffin...
for your manhood.(shrieks)
Why did my hypothetical scenario scare you so?
Uh, like all manly men,I have a vivid imagination.
Well said.
Let's take off our shirts and wrestle.
Okay,
give me all your peanuts,Goobers, and Fluffer Nutters.
Oh, why should we have
to give up our salty snacks
just to keep one allergic kid from exploding?
Who is this selfish jerk anyway?
It's not me,I swear.
I'm only allergic to honey,wheat, dairy, non-dairy,
and my own tears.
Oh, no.
Call my allergist...
and my optometrist.
Willie, you can tell me.
Who's the mystery wuss who can't eat peanuts?
I'll never say his name.
"His," eh?
Hmm, sit's a dude.
Who says it's a dude?
A principal can be a manor a woman these days.
Hmm.
I've taken all the peanut products.
Just like the English took our sheep
and our women in 1291.
Then, they sent them back,which was worse!
Yes, yes,every day we go through this.
Why don't you just incinerate the contraband?
Will do, but first,Willie gets his gob-full.
Carefulwith those peanut crumbs!
My allergy is so sensitive,a single molecule
would make my throat close
like a museum at 4:45.
Hello, Marge.
Picking up supplies for Handy Homer?
It must feel good to know that you're "helping."
- Oh, I help more than you might think.
- Sure you do.
You provide foodand sexual release
for your handy husband.
Looks like you broke something.
Better call Homer!
Of course I can make a credenza,
what ever that is.
Just give all the details
to my secretary Shirley.
This is Shirley.
Yes, fine, he'll be there tomorrow.
Good-bye.
That Shirley is quite a gal.
We should fix her up with Barney.
Homie...
I think you're taking a little
too much credit for my work.
I mean, look at your t-shirt!
Marge, giving me credit was your idea.
Now, could you rub my butt?
I sat on it so muchit's a little sore.
Oh...!
Look, I'm sorry you're upset,
but if we tell the truth now, I'll be
humiliated in front of the whole town.
Then you won't be married to a man.
You'll be married to some kind of gay jellh,
floating outside the Florida Keys,
cruising for rich snorkelers.
- You don't want that.
- I guess I don't.
Bart, Skinner's going to be really mad at you.
Yes, you might sayhe'll "blow up."
What ever. I've got some paperto m�h�
Simpson! Report to detention at once.
Ah, I'm not a big fan of detention.
You might say it drives mets.
My allergen.
Beat on the brat, at the brat
Beat on the brat with a baseball bat
Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh-oh
Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh-oh...
I'm a cootie eater.
I've been one all my life.
I like the cooties so much,
I have a cootie wife.
- Why does Lenny need a windmill, anyway?
- Ah, he wants to grind his own corn.
Maybe finally shut him up
about the high price of cornmeal.
Oh, switch.
Oh, yeah,switch, switch, switch.
Wow, great job, Homer.
Yeah, and to think you built this whole
thing with your own two hands.
Who do you think would help me, my wife?
Your wife? Give me a break.
The only thing women can
build is credit card det.
Credit card det.
Homer, did you leave a
powerdrill on in your toolbox?
It's making this horrible e.
Yeah, I hear it, too.
Maybe we cover up by sin a song.
We will, we will rock you
We will, we will rock you
Buddy, you're the boy make a big noise
Playin' in the street
gonna be a big man some day...
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, infinity.
I never expected them
to climb on the cabinet
and ride it down the biggest hill in town.
Homer, it's time people knew the truth.
I'm doing the work and I want the credit.
Look, I understand that you're mad.
Which makes now the
perfect time to tell you,
the mayor's hired to fix
the old Springfield roller coaster.
By the way, nice job installing
this wall-chart bracket.
If the kids ask, I did it.
You're gonna have fix
that roller coaster yourself,
Because I quit,
and I'm taking this with me!
Darn these counter sunk molly clamps.
This is not going to end well.
Now as I see it
The problem with this roller coaster
Is there are too many
boring going-up parts.
We need to replace them with
kick-ass going-down parts.
Oh, yeah,
going-downparts.
Uh, Mr. Simpson, shouldn't we
begin by securing the struts?
Hmm...
Let me mull that over.
What are struts?!
Oh, I don't know.
anything about struts.
This guy's all bubble and no level.
So what? He's paying us 50 grand.
And I promised these guys
money I don't have!
And they're gonna be so mad!
Ah, let's go home.
Maybe I can sneak home
without them seeing me.
Are you ready to belightly assaulted?
Good morning.
I brought you breakfast in bed.
Eat it.
Excuse me. I'm supposed to
stand in your store window
and breast-feed Bilbo Baggins.
Your cowering suggests that
Bart has found your kryptonite.
Kryptonite?
What's that?
The "ite" suffix suggests a mineral.
I do not know whether to laugh
or cry at your ignorance.
I shall laugh. Ha-ha!
Kryptonite is Superman's
greatest weakness.
Wait, maybe Bart has a kryptonite!
Perhaps.
But for now, you may
suckle your Baggins.
I've got you now, Bart.
Dad, here's a thought:
If you just gaom credit,
maybe she could help you.
Sweetie, you don't understand.
If I can do this myself,
then all those lies I told will be true.
Don't you want Daddy's lies to be true?
I'd like a daddy who lived
in the real world.
To Daddy, the real world
gets fainter and fainter every day.
Good morning, Seymour.
You may be wondering what
I'm doing with this hat full of maggots.
Actually, I'm not wondering at all.
Simpson, you've been waving
your nuts in my face for too long.
- Eat shrimp and die!
- No! I'm allergic!
Stick-on-stick.
Just like the knights of old.
No one teaches me history!
- Peanut?!
- Shrimp?!
If either of us falls in, we're doomed!
Kids don't die!
- I... was... El Barto.
- No...!
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen,
honored guests
and out-of-town
roller coaster weir does.
Your father's finally
gonna get exposed
as the credit-stealing fraud he is!
Perfect.
I give you...the Zoominator!
And now to get stinking drunk!
I'm not getting married on that!
You won't get married on Colossus,
you won't get married on The Zoominator,
you won't get married
on The Pharaoh's Curse.
- Just say it. it's me!
- Oh, no, baby, no!
Dad! Put a side your sel fish
male ego and tell the truth!
Sure, I'll tell them the truth.
The truth is...
that I'm perfect and everything
I touch is perfect!
Oh, my God, he'll kill himself!
He'll never hear me say "I told you so!"
I never felt safer!
Oh, why must we preserve
America's historic roller coasters?
Thank you, honey!
Everyone!
My stupid male pride made me lie to you.
Everything I claimed... I did
was actually built by Marge!
Homer, I was pretty upset with you,
but in theend, I... I...
I beam!
Avenge... me.
Marge, I realized something
when I was trapped under all that rubble:
Marriage is the real roller coaster.
I'm just glad I have
you as my safety bar.
Oh, I forgive you, my darling. Get well.
As for you, young man,
the next time you save your principal,
try not to risk your own life.
What kind of lies are you feeding her, Simpson?
Mind your own beeswax!
I'm gonna go look at the new babies.
a little run down.
Yeah, hasn't
been the same
since they murdered
the Mayor's dad here.
Ooh, a J.C. Penney's...
used to be here.
Now it's a collection
of candle kiosks
and Persian CD stores.
How you doing, bro?
We've got the latest by Nabil,
Uma Shang Shang,
The Flower Song!
Uma shang shang
Uma shang shang
uma shang shang
Is like Bruce Springsteen
the Boss, ya?
I guess.
If you buy now,
I give you, uh, toothache cream.
Toothache cream.
Deal!
We have deal.
Where's the beef?
You ain't so bad.
Where's the beef?
You ain't so bad.
Where's the beef?
You ain't so bad.
These games are so old.
Who got these high scores?
Pilgrims?
Hmm, never saw this one before.
What's going on here?
Am I destroying these triangles
or trying to assemble them?
What does this button do?
Now my ship is pooping
more triangles.
Oh, no, I won a free game.
Ooh, gummy worms!
That candy's been here
an awfully long time.
I'd think twice if I were you.
Don't tell me
how many times to think!
Mmm...
You are not bringing
that thing home.
Then stand back.
This doesn't taste
like I thought it would.
Well, if you're through,
let's check out that
discount book warehouse.
We already own a book.
Wisconsin From Above.
Veterans' Day Parades.
Ooh, Smiles of Ireland!
Redheaded twins?
Their mother must have
Their mother must have
her hands full.
Hmm.
Cool, a carpenter's library.
This doesn't look easy,
but I'll bet it is.
Well, I like the idea
of you as a handyman.
And I love the idea
of you reading.
Oh, yeah?
Blah, blah, blah, blah.
Blah, blah, blah,
Ooh
Oh!
Blah, blah, blah,
Blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah...
Okay, now you do me.
I never want to go back to that mall.
There were eelsin the photo booth.
Eww!
Bart, here's a letter from your school.
A fire? I didn't start a fire in the teachers' lounge.
I mean, what fire?
I mean, a letter from school?Please elaborate.
Someone at your school
has a life-threatening peanut allergy.
Cool! Who is it?
The letter doesn't say.
But from now on,no peanut products
are allowed on school property.
Hmm, let's see what you've got.
Peanut butter and jelly sandwich,
trail mix, starring peanuts.
Good grief, more peanuts!
Harley Mozell is hit from behind
by J.T. Delacroix!
And Earl Tilleson!
Oh, and Buddy Rollette!
And the Pecker Brothers,
Danny and Dell!
And the ol' Grizzly himself--
Weasel Johnson Junior!
Look at that carnage.
We are worse
than the ancient Romans!
Homie, don't you want to build something
with your new fix-it books?
I did. I made a foot rest.
Oh, don't you have any follow-through on anything?
What's the point?We're all slowly dying.
Oh, the floorboard
broke my nightstand.
Hmm...
Hmm...
I did it!
What's that strange feeling?
It's "of accomplishment"!
Wow, Mom, you made all this?
It's like you're the Jesus of carpentry.
Aww, what a sweet blasphemy.
This is a valuable skill.
People might even pay you to build things for them.
I could start my own carpentry business.
I'm already arranging the clip art
for the letterhead in my mind.
Perfect!
Can I help you, Miss?
I'm here to fix your bookcase.
You answered my flyer.
Hmm, yeah.
And you're the carpenter?
That's right.
I see. Not that I have anything against female carpenters,
but I have some pictures hanging
that you might find,um... unsavory.
Good-bye.
A lady carpenter?
I don't know.
What if you get pregnant
and I'm left with half a hot tub?
And don't tell me you're infertile.
I ain't falling for that again.
It's so unfair.
I'm as handy as any man.
You sure are, sweetie.
I love this bed you made.
I guess people just expect their carpenter
to be some fat guy with his butt crack showing.
Homer, your butt just gave me
a brilliant idea!
Yep, it'll do that.
"Simpsons Manly-Man Handyman"at your service.
Ah, superlative!
Please install a doggie door
sized for a teacup poodle.
No problem.
Why don't you go inside and stir your flubber
while I get to work?
Marge, the coast is clear.
I'm terribly sorry.I thought I heard
the sound of a woman measuring.
Oh, uh, that was me.
You know that old saying:
"Measure like a girl,hammer like a guy."
Yes, but you're holding your hammer backwards.
Oh, uh... you know what they say,
"Hammer with the wood and it's all good."
It's all good.
All right, then.
A dash of glue,
a turn of screw,
and a gazebo's built that's perfect for two... or more.
Uh-oh, switch!
Eh... eh... eh!
And... done!
Mm-mmm!
Simpson, you're a master craftsman.
Listen,what would you say
if I told you a woman did most of the work?
I'd have this gazebo torn downand built into a coffin...
for your manhood.(shrieks)
Why did my hypothetical scenario scare you so?
Uh, like all manly men,I have a vivid imagination.
Well said.
Let's take off our shirts and wrestle.
Okay,
give me all your peanuts,Goobers, and Fluffer Nutters.
Oh, why should we have
to give up our salty snacks
just to keep one allergic kid from exploding?
Who is this selfish jerk anyway?
It's not me,I swear.
I'm only allergic to honey,wheat, dairy, non-dairy,
and my own tears.
Oh, no.
Call my allergist...
and my optometrist.
Willie, you can tell me.
Who's the mystery wuss who can't eat peanuts?
I'll never say his name.
"His," eh?
Hmm, sit's a dude.
Who says it's a dude?
A principal can be a manor a woman these days.
Hmm.
I've taken all the peanut products.
Just like the English took our sheep
and our women in 1291.
Then, they sent them back,which was worse!
Yes, yes,every day we go through this.
Why don't you just incinerate the contraband?
Will do, but first,Willie gets his gob-full.
Carefulwith those peanut crumbs!
My allergy is so sensitive,a single molecule
would make my throat close
like a museum at 4:45.
Hello, Marge.
Picking up supplies for Handy Homer?
It must feel good to know that you're "helping."
- Oh, I help more than you might think.
- Sure you do.
You provide foodand sexual release
for your handy husband.
Looks like you broke something.
Better call Homer!
Of course I can make a credenza,
what ever that is.
Just give all the details
to my secretary Shirley.
This is Shirley.
Yes, fine, he'll be there tomorrow.
Good-bye.
That Shirley is quite a gal.
We should fix her up with Barney.
Homie...
I think you're taking a little
too much credit for my work.
I mean, look at your t-shirt!
Marge, giving me credit was your idea.
Now, could you rub my butt?
I sat on it so muchit's a little sore.
Oh...!
Look, I'm sorry you're upset,
but if we tell the truth now, I'll be
humiliated in front of the whole town.
Then you won't be married to a man.
You'll be married to some kind of gay jellh,
floating outside the Florida Keys,
cruising for rich snorkelers.
- You don't want that.
- I guess I don't.
Bart, Skinner's going to be really mad at you.
Yes, you might sayhe'll "blow up."
What ever. I've got some paperto m�h�
Simpson! Report to detention at once.
Ah, I'm not a big fan of detention.
You might say it drives mets.
My allergen.
Beat on the brat, at the brat
Beat on the brat with a baseball bat
Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh-oh
Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh-oh...
I'm a cootie eater.
I've been one all my life.
I like the cooties so much,
I have a cootie wife.
- Why does Lenny need a windmill, anyway?
- Ah, he wants to grind his own corn.
Maybe finally shut him up
about the high price of cornmeal.
Oh, switch.
Oh, yeah,switch, switch, switch.
Wow, great job, Homer.
Yeah, and to think you built this whole
thing with your own two hands.
Who do you think would help me, my wife?
Your wife? Give me a break.
The only thing women can
build is credit card det.
Credit card det.
Homer, did you leave a
powerdrill on in your toolbox?
It's making this horrible e.
Yeah, I hear it, too.
Maybe we cover up by sin a song.
We will, we will rock you
We will, we will rock you
Buddy, you're the boy make a big noise
Playin' in the street
gonna be a big man some day...
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, infinity.
I never expected them
to climb on the cabinet
and ride it down the biggest hill in town.
Homer, it's time people knew the truth.
I'm doing the work and I want the credit.
Look, I understand that you're mad.
Which makes now the
perfect time to tell you,
the mayor's hired to fix
the old Springfield roller coaster.
By the way, nice job installing
this wall-chart bracket.
If the kids ask, I did it.
You're gonna have fix
that roller coaster yourself,
Because I quit,
and I'm taking this with me!
Darn these counter sunk molly clamps.
This is not going to end well.
Now as I see it
The problem with this roller coaster
Is there are too many
boring going-up parts.
We need to replace them with
kick-ass going-down parts.
Oh, yeah,
going-downparts.
Uh, Mr. Simpson, shouldn't we
begin by securing the struts?
Hmm...
Let me mull that over.
What are struts?!
Oh, I don't know.
anything about struts.
This guy's all bubble and no level.
So what? He's paying us 50 grand.
And I promised these guys
money I don't have!
And they're gonna be so mad!
Ah, let's go home.
Maybe I can sneak home
without them seeing me.
Are you ready to belightly assaulted?
Good morning.
I brought you breakfast in bed.
Eat it.
Excuse me. I'm supposed to
stand in your store window
and breast-feed Bilbo Baggins.
Your cowering suggests that
Bart has found your kryptonite.
Kryptonite?
What's that?
The "ite" suffix suggests a mineral.
I do not know whether to laugh
or cry at your ignorance.
I shall laugh. Ha-ha!
Kryptonite is Superman's
greatest weakness.
Wait, maybe Bart has a kryptonite!
Perhaps.
But for now, you may
suckle your Baggins.
I've got you now, Bart.
Dad, here's a thought:
If you just gaom credit,
maybe she could help you.
Sweetie, you don't understand.
If I can do this myself,
then all those lies I told will be true.
Don't you want Daddy's lies to be true?
I'd like a daddy who lived
in the real world.
To Daddy, the real world
gets fainter and fainter every day.
Good morning, Seymour.
You may be wondering what
I'm doing with this hat full of maggots.
Actually, I'm not wondering at all.
Simpson, you've been waving
your nuts in my face for too long.
- Eat shrimp and die!
- No! I'm allergic!
Stick-on-stick.
Just like the knights of old.
No one teaches me history!
- Peanut?!
- Shrimp?!
If either of us falls in, we're doomed!
Kids don't die!
- I... was... El Barto.
- No...!
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen,
honored guests
and out-of-town
roller coaster weir does.
Your father's finally
gonna get exposed
as the credit-stealing fraud he is!
Perfect.
I give you...the Zoominator!
And now to get stinking drunk!
I'm not getting married on that!
You won't get married on Colossus,
you won't get married on The Zoominator,
you won't get married
on The Pharaoh's Curse.
- Just say it. it's me!
- Oh, no, baby, no!
Dad! Put a side your sel fish
male ego and tell the truth!
Sure, I'll tell them the truth.
The truth is...
that I'm perfect and everything
I touch is perfect!
Oh, my God, he'll kill himself!
He'll never hear me say "I told you so!"
I never felt safer!
Oh, why must we preserve
America's historic roller coasters?
Thank you, honey!
Everyone!
My stupid male pride made me lie to you.
Everything I claimed... I did
was actually built by Marge!
Homer, I was pretty upset with you,
but in theend, I... I...
I beam!
Avenge... me.
Marge, I realized something
when I was trapped under all that rubble:
Marriage is the real roller coaster.
I'm just glad I have
you as my safety bar.
Oh, I forgive you, my darling. Get well.
As for you, young man,
the next time you save your principal,
try not to risk your own life.
What kind of lies are you feeding her, Simpson?
Mind your own beeswax!
I'm gonna go look at the new babies.