The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 18, Episode 20 - Stop or My Dog Will Shoot - full transcript

The Simpsons 18x20 (JABF12)
- Stop Or My Dog Will Shoot -

Pearls are not oyster barf

Oh, man, I love Oktoberfest.

Oktoberfest!

Sorry, sir, this is a harvest festival.

No alcohol.

I'm gonna have to
confiscate those steins.

Springfield squash

the most fibrous variety
of yellow squash.

We drove 50 miles to look at
a stupid pile of vegetables?

That's it, buster.



You just bought yourself

ten minutes watching that
man make a wagon wheel.

Yes'm.

Wagon wheels were the Internet

of the 19th century!

Really?

No.

Hmm!

This winning cornu copia
is magnificent.

Styrofoam?

You stuffed
your horn?!

What? Everybody does it.

No, no, no, no

noooo!



Noooo!

I can testify at the trial.

Ain't gon' be no trial.

Ooh, look!
Pine cone first ladies.

Where the hell
is Abigail Adams?!

Oh, there she is.

Where the hell is
Mary Todd Lincoln?!

Oh, she's right there.

Where the hell is
Ida Saxton McKinley?!

Oh, I see.

Where the hell is...?

Dad, look.

A corn maze!

The A-Maize-Ing
Maize Maze

"Betcha can't solve our maze."

Puh! I didn't come here
to be insulted.

We're leaving!

Mm!

Sure is a lot of corn
in this parking lot.

Dad, we're in the maze.

D'oh!

Dad, why don't you
throw me in the air,

and I can see which way is out?

Corn.

More corn.

Another kid getting
thrown in the air.

Witch's coven.

Seattle Space Needle.

Amateur production of
You Can't Take It With You

Oh, I'm getting dizzy.

And corn again.

Maybe we should split up.

Split up?!

Marge, no! We can
fix this marriage!

No, no, I didn't mean...

Fine, you want out? Then go!

I can make it on my own!

Before I met you,
I had friends and dreams!

I was talking about...

Oh, please take me back.

The dating scene is a nightmare.

I'm begging you!

I just meant we should split
up to get out of this corn maze.

Deep down, I...

I guess I knew that.

Now there must be a way out!

Of our marriage?!

I don't want to live!

I don't want to live...!

Hey, this maze is made of corn!

I'm so sick of being lost.

To hell with maze etiquette!

I'm walking straight outta here!

Electrified for your enjoyment.

Damn it!

Signs also electrified.

How come things that
happen to stupid people

keep happening to me?

Finally!

I knew we could solve that maze

using Tremaux's algorithm.

Told you.

No, you didn't.

Your plan was to burn the corn.

That was never my plan.

I'm lost and I'm starving!

Eat some corn!

I don't have any holders!

Now, don't worry, ma'am.

We'll send a member of our elite canine unit in

to find yourhusband's corpse.

Uh, living corpse.

Say hello to Officer Jaws!

Chief, I'm afraid Officer Jaws is guilty of littering...

and here's the litter!

Okay, everyone

Puppy party at my house!

Oh!

Don't worry! Our dog will find my dad!

We need you, boy!

We need you, boy!

Good boy!

Now go find Homer!

He needs something
with your father's scent.

Maybe there's something in Dad's backpack.

A sports bra?

He just needs it for walking upstairs.

This maze is too hard for me.

To my wife Marge.

In case I don't make it,

here are my Oscar picks for next year

Best Sound Effects Editing:the team from...

Huh?

Ahh...

Dad!

Your dog's quite a tracker.

Say, has he ever thought about a career in law enforcement?

Um, I don't think

he's ever thought about anything.

Santa's Little Helper
would be an awesome police dog.

Can he, Dad?
Can he?

No, and never bring it up again!

- Please, can he?
- All right.

Boy, it is going to be so cool when you're a police dog.

Good boy!

Now, transform.

Cool.

All right, listen up.

For the next two weeks,I'm gonna be your worst enemy,

except this Thursday is the Fourth of July,

so we'll take Friday off as well.

Well, I guess Wednesday everybody's going to be thinking

about the long weekend, so...eh, what the hell?

Why don't we just takethe whole week off?

Why did you let me do that?

We are so far behind.

Nice work, canines.

Bring in the next group.

Uh, should I get this blow back to the cage, Chief?

Whoa, whoa, whoa."Blow"? "Cage"?

You're in uniform, Lou.

Don't slang it up.

It is my privilege to welcome this fine group of animals

into the Springfield Police Force.

Keep your noses clean and your hearts free of worms.

Listen to me, rook,these streets are hard.

It ain't like Air Bud V: Strong Arm Of The Paw.

Attention all units:

domestic disturbance in
progress at Rural Route 27.

Domestic disturbance?!

You're gonna have one hell of a first day, boy.

Squeak 'em if you got 'em.

You gave that hog a day of beauty,

and I didn't get nothing!

Manicure...

pedicure...

exfoliation!

Don't worry, boy,

she just knocked a few fleas off you.

You're gonna be okay.

We need backup now!

Cletus, you coward!

Is you man or turtle?

Here's your answer.

Skittle, skittle,scurry, skittle.

Okay, since the dog's not here,
I'm gonna take you for a walk.

What's the matter, Bart ?

Oh, I miss Santa's Little Helper.

I wanted him to be a police dog,
but now he has no time for me.

I even have to eat
my own homework.

Hey, could you
set us up down here?

Easy there, pal.
We just started our shift.

Attention K-9 unit.

We got an 866 in progress
at the park. Over.

Chief, why are you using
the walkie-talkie?

I can hear you fine.

Fine. Let's not use
any of our police equipment.

So, uh, you got any steroids?

Oh, you know it.
I can make you huge.

I want to pump my guns.

I want to rip my pecs.

I want to shriv my nards.

"Nards," that's what
we needed to hear.

Freeze!

Nobody ever freezes.
Might as well just say "run."

Catch me if you can,
little bowwow.

No!

Nice work... partner.

You stand accused of giving
hope to scrawny young men.

- How do you plead?
- Guilty... of being innocent!

Well, I'm afraid,

because of this improperly
filled-out police report,

I have no choice
but to let you go.

Case dismissed.

Ho-ho!
Don't worry, dude,

I'm going straight...

straight to my customers
to sell more drugs.

Listen, man, you got to let it go.

Relax for a couple
days with your family.

Come back fresh on Monday.

Boy, you're back!

Ow ! You bit me!

My own dog bit me!

I can't believe it.

My own dog bit me.

Now that he's had
a taste of human flesh,

the dog will be a slave
to its succulence.

Look at him eyeing me.
He knows I taste best.

Don't blame the dog, folks.

A cop's life is so tense,
he has to channel it somewhere.

Me, I knit violent imagery.

Pretty grim, huh?

Oh, I love Santa's Little
Helper, but I don't know

if we can have him
in our home anymore.

Mom, you can't send him away!
He's a dog, not Grandpa!

What if Santa's Little Helper
stops being a police dog,

then he can get a nonviolent
job like barking songs

on novelty Christmas records.

You can do it, boy!

No, boy, that's Hanukah!

Forget it, kid.
He's a cop now.

Well, I bet he can't resist this.

Fetch, boy!

My God!
I've lost him.

Homer!

Oh, relax, Marge.
I'm just messing with you.

I know I'm not a dog.
I'm a people, like you.

Homer, it's just Flanders.
You know him.

You're going to live
with me now 'cause...

'cause only cops understand cops.

Hey, Lou, want to party tonight?

Oh, not tonight, Sharquelle.

I'm hanging out
with my new roommate.

Oh, my God!
A police dog!

Oh, I have a friend
who would love him.

Okay, but just remember:
They don't love us.

They just love the uniform.

All right, now,
who's going with who?

I don't want a new dog.

I want my old dog.
The one who bit me.

Cheer up, boy.

We'll get you their
most vicious street cur!

He'll bite your ass raw!

No street curs!

That's it!
I want a snake!

Oh, no problem, pally.

Our pythons cost
five dollars a foot.

We're not made of money!

All right.

He is so awesome.

I already love him
more than I love Lisa.

It says here
don't bother naming them.

Snakes have poor hearing,
and only live to strangle.

I like it. "Strangles."

Hey, Lis, you want
to touch Strangles?

He's not slimy at all.
He's scaly.

Eww! He is slimy!

That's because
I soaked him in slime!

Why, you little...
I'll teach you to trick your sister !

Homer, can you breathe?

Well, I can breathe out okay.

Don't... give...
snake... attention.

It's what...
he really... wants !

I'm okay.

After months of practice,

I have trained my rabbit
to hop in perfect tempo

to Mussorgsky's immortal
Pictures at an Exhibition.

Now for some hip-hop
we can all get down with!

Bart Simpson, you can't
bring a python to school!

Hey, don't ask me to show
if you can't handle the tell.

Well, I'm going to show you
to the principal,

and tell him all about it.

Mine was as funny as his.

No one's arguing with you, lady.

Now, can we just learn something?

The snake's getting away!

The snake must be in there.

You miss him, don't you?

Lou, he's got to get over it.

I miss Shamrock Shakes,
but they ain't coming back till March!

You know, Chief,Shamrock Shakes
are just vanilla shakes colored green.

I taste the flavor.
It's a very mild mint.

Well, maybe, because
it's a minty color,

your mind is fooling your tongue.

I know what I taste!

I got to go with
the chief on this one.

Whoa! There's a big surprise.

Hey, Lou, what's your
favorite thing in the world,

so I can dump all over that?

Time for a head count.

Children,
line up according to height.

No, weight.

No, the sum total of the letters
in your last name

if each letter
is assigned a numeric value

according to its place in the alphabet.
Quickly, now!

Deadly toxic cloud!
Deadly toxic cloud!

Bart's missing.

He must still be in the school!

No, boy!
It's too dangerous!

Let him go, Lou.

He's not following
his nose this time.

He's following his heart.

Sometimes I forget why you're chief,
but I remember now!

You follow your heart, boy!

Here, Strangles!
Strangles?

Oh, man, it's like
some chemicals cut one.

Strangles, you came to save me!

Santa's Little Helper,
you came, too!

Sorry, but a boy's got
to go with his dog.

If he hurts you again,
don't call me.

Who am I kidding, I'll always
be there for you.

And... saved!

Hero cop saves boy!
Hero cop saves boy!

Oh, I knew you loved me, boy!

Now you can be my dog again.

Don't worry.
I'll give ya a home.

That'll do, snake.

That'll do.

Transcript : Raceman