The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 18, Episode 13 - Springfield Up - full transcript
A parody of the "Up Series" of British documentaries, in which a filmmaker follows Homer and his friends from grade school into their 40s.
The Simpsons 18x13 (JABF07)
- Springfield Up -
Oh, hello.
I'm documentary filmmaker
Declan Desmond.
32 years ago I interviewed a group
of Springfield schoolchildren.
These children ran the
gamut of society:
rich and poor, black and white,
"he'll grow into his looks"
and "forever hideous."
My dad was a circus freak,
but my mom don't remember which one.
I like to think it was a
little bit of all of them.
Every eight years, I
revisited those children,
creating a cinematic
chronicle of their lives.
Join me, won't you, to
see dreams dissolve
like a muffin in the rain
in "Growing up Springfield".
What does the future
hold for these children?
Will he grow up to work
in a robot factory?
Will she be the receptionist
for a robot businessman?
And will he be a crusader
for robo-sexual rights?
I say, "yes," "no," and "yes."
Whee!
So, Lenny, what have we here?
My daddy said I can have
any birthday party I want.
My cake will be a picture of a dinosaur
and all the guests will say,
"Why, Lenny, that's a fine cake!"
Then, "Yes," I'll say.
I decided not to waste any
more film on him after that.
I wish for world peace.
I wish for world war.
Oh, yeah, that would be cooler.
I wish when I grow up,
I'll be richer than everybody!
I will! I will be rich!
I'll own a football team
and a basketball team
and I'll make them play baseball!
But what became of
these wide-eyed naives?
Let's begin by following the
life of little Clancy Wiggum.
Bang-bang! Bang!
Freeze, robber, freeze!
Bang, bang, bang!
It hurts! It hurts so bad!
Please, just put one in my brain!
Okay.
- Uh, bang.
- Thank you.
As hall monitor, I am the law.
But what became of these wide-eyed na fs?
No running in the hall.
Let's begin by following the life
No running in the hall.
Ah, no running in the hall.
Hey, detention bird!
Thanks for not running in the hall.
Go, Wildcats.
At 24, Clancy Wiggum was
accepted into the police academy.
Hmm...
Wiggum!
What did I tell you about
pointsy-towardsies?!
You seem a little cranky, Commandant.
A back rub'll set you right.
There we go.
Woouh Ooh... okay.
Don't be afraid to dig
in there good!
Hey, what's the matter, buddy?
Need a backrub?
At 32, Officer Wiggum had found
the fast track to becoming chief.
Oh, yeah, oh, that's the stuff.
Thanks for giving me
an 8:30 appointment.
You are a lifesaver.
You know, if I was Chief,
I could give you 8:30 every day.
I don't have the authority to...
Oh... oh...
I'll make it happen.
And here we are in now-times.
As you can see, I've gotten
everything I've ever wanted.
Except pants that fit.
I told you that if I let you in this
movie you couldn't make fun of me.
I'm not making fun of you.
I'm making fun of your pants.
Well, how'd you like it if
I made fun of your pants?
Go ahead.
Well, they're a little, uh...
They-they, uh...
Oh, they're perfect.
When I grow up,
I'll have a giant mansion,
my own pinball machine
with infinity quarters,
eight pairs of peanut
butter and jelly pajamas...
How many wishes do I have left?
None. You never had any.
I'm not a genie.
D'oh!
Homer, your dreams will
take a lot of money.
Don't look at me.
Look at the camera.
Got it.
I said, look at the camera.
No problem.
Now you're looking at a mud puddle.
That's your hand.
That's the production accountant.
That's your other hand.
Do you even know
what a camera is?
Well, of cour... No.
I'm gonna put this squeaky
toy on top of the camera.
Squeaky! Squeaky!
Squeaky, squeaky!
Squeaky, squeaky, squeaky!
Unsurprisingly, by age 24,
Homer's dreams of wealth
had not come to fruition.
Manure for sale!
Get your manure!
Loamiest in town!
Hey, the manure dealership is just
one of the things I got going.
I also have a sweet gig as an
infomercial question-asker.
Um, I know Super Clean
cleans, but does it scrub?
My garage band is
getting so tight.
Yeah, yeah, yeah
The album cover's gonna be a
naked girl with stars for boobs.
And I do open-casket caricatures.
Did he have any hobbies?
Get out of here!
But Homer had found a peanut of hope
in his Cracker Jack box of despair.
Homer is so amazing!
He can chug a beer and pitch
woo at the same time.
The light from your eyes
could guide a ship at sea.
Eh?
Are you two considering children?
Kids? No way!
You'll never see a couple
of rugrats tying me down!
You better not put this shot
after the one where I
said I won't have kids.
That would be a
devastating edit.
Homer, your life is
nothing to be ashamed of.
You've got a loving family and a
steady job at a nuclear power plant.
You're not English Breakfast,
but you're not Lapsang Soochong either.
Oh, yeah?
Check with me in eight
years, Dr. Who.
I'll be kickin' your ass
with a solid gold boot!
Hmm... what's changed for me
since the last time I saw you?
Only... everything!
I can't believe it!
Homer Simpson...
a bloody millionaire?!
Why do you sound so shocked?
This is our fifth take.
Whee!
Now that I'm super-wealthy,
I can buy them whatever
their hearts desire.
That's why rich kids
turn out so well.
- Mine has a cup holder.
- Bart, that's a blowhole.
You're a blowhole!
No, boy. Up, up, up!
Well, Marge, you must be
proud of your "Homie."
Oh, yes, I'm so proud,
I feel my chest might burst.
Can you edit that? I don't want
to say "chest" in a movie.
You said it and it stays.
But I must know... How did Homer
come so far in eight short years?
This pays a lot better
than you think.
We pay him in limes.
That's right, limes.
You see, Declan,
I made my millions
with a simple invention:
the Condiment Pen!
Just click the
buttons at the top,
and you can choose from ketchup,
mustard, mayo and relish.
Do, do, do, do, do-do-do.
I got the idea from
the regular pen.
Can I use it on fish and chips?
I don't know.
You can put horseradish on your
dead mother for all I care.
The point is: I'm
rich, rich, rich!
I guess there's no way I can
embarrass you any further.
Just look! My dog has
his own Jacuzzi!
He loves it!
You win, Homer.
I guess there's no way I can
embarrass you any further.
Barely Literate,
smells Like Feet
When I, um, grow up, I'm
gonna be a rocket scientist!
To Mars!
Zoom.
Zoom.
Ah, bullies approaching.
Activate cloaking device.
Professor Frink, you've become
one of Springfield's most
renowned scientific minds.
You discovered and
cured Frink's disease,
created the element Frinkonium,
and invented the
eight-month-after pill.
Yes, yes, all right. All of
that means nothing, sir.
I've spent my whole life in the
lab and never talked to a girl.
That's why I built
this time machine.
I give you the chrono-trike!
Now, I'll go back in time
to tell myself to choose
a different career,
one where I'll meet a female
woman of the girl-u-lar variety.
Have to get the
speed going here.
Listen to me, little Frink.
I am here to warn you...
That was...
Hey, I'm still going, but...
Hey... cool!
I want to be a lawyer and a doctor
because a woman can do anything.
At 24, Eleanor had graduated
from Harvard Medical and Yale Law.
Your Honor, I'd like to
request a continuance
so I can go deliver a baby.
I love babies. I'll allow it.
I'm a little burnt-out.
So, sometimes...
don't shoot me...
I have a glass of wine
with Buster here.
He's a real comfort.
I might even get a second cat.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Nice kitty.
I like taking pictures.
Whee!
Take my picture.
Take my picture.
Aw, crap, my first kiss.
You could do a lot
worse, my friend.
At age 16,
Marge was the star photographer
for her school newspaper.
CHEERLEADER FLUNG INTO
NEXT COUNTY
BOY BRINGS ENOUGH FOR EVERYONE
TYPING CLASS TRAGEDY
But her interests soon expanded
beyond shutterbuggery.
The biggest change for me
over the last eight years?
That's got to be Homer.
Marge, baby!
I got a picture of you
tattooed on my chest.
They had a sale on skulls.
At 24,
Marge's photojournalistic dreams were,
shall we say, underdeveloped?
I need one wallet-sized photo
for my captain's license.
Coming right up.
Mind if I turn on
a little music?
It's so danceable.
Nautical Stu loves disco music.
And the world welcomed Disco Stu.
I need a full-time job
to support Homer
so he has time to work
on his rock music,
his erotic etchings,
his Play-Doh Theater...
And yet look how
things turned out.
This overnight affluence must have
come as a tremendous shock.
Oh, yes, sir.
As shocks go, this one's
a real zaparoo.
Listen, something's been
piquing my curiosity.
Why is your medicine cabinet
full of old man ointments?
Oh... mm-hmm.
Well, yeah, the ointments, um...
What are you people doing
in my summer home?
This is Eduardo, my pool boy.
He thinks he's an angry, rich man.
I am an angry, rich man.
That's the pool chemicals talking.
Homer J. Simpson, your fabulous
millionaire lifestyle is all a lie.
Oh, Father, my pony Buttercup
can jump ever so high...
Hoo-boy, it's Mr. Burns.
Please, Mr. Burns,
pretend you work for me.
You can have the boy.
Just don't beat him.
You can beat him.
Just don't leave marks.
Shut up, you waste
of skin and fat.
You've desecrated my
every possession.
Oh, thank you, sir.
For three days I've had nothing to
read but clock-setting instructions...
"Using the suspension spring
above the pendulum leader,
hang the pendulum on the
pendulum guide..."
Mr. Burns, we're so sorry.
The plan was just to use your backyard,
and the next thing we know,
Mr. Smithers is tied up in
a grandfather clock.
Please get me out of here.
It's 11:59:59.
I've heard enough.
Release the hounds.
Uh, sir, your hounds are still
at the winter house.
Well, bring them over
in the Durango.
Shadow and Winston have
been fighting a lot.
Put Winston in the front.
Winston doesn't like the front.
Just do it. Do it. Do it now!
...and that's how I got the vending
machine contract for the Kremlin.
Sorry, sir.
Traffic was a nightmare.
Then I got caught in some
kind of garlic festival.
Release the hounds.
Stop it, Winston!
In the wake of this deception,
I had two questions for Homer...
"Why lie?" and "Lies... why?"
But he seemed less
than eager to meet.
Homer, I brought a squeaky!
Help!
I realized that if this bunny
was going to be boiled,
I would have to turn up the heat.
There you are!
I'm ready for my segment.
Lenny...
always exciting to hear from you.
Did you ever try
that new shampoo?
Nope, never did.
Want to watch me pay
my cable bill?
I got checks with
butterflies on them.
- I am interesting.
- No, you're not.
What do you want?
Marge, can you just let
me in for a minute?
We let you in 32 years ago
and it's brought us nothing but pain.
Well, if you want, I can cut
you out of the film.
No, no, no, no, no!
Let's not get crazy.
Then I just want to know why
your husband did what he did.
I'll tell you why.
It's been another eight years
and what do I have?
Same job, same house,
same dirty joke book.
I just thought for once I could
be the cool guy in your movie.
But all I am is the guy who makes
everyone else look good.
Strong words from a dumpy man.
And cut.
Wait just a cotton-swabbing minute!
A good man went to a lot of
trouble just to impress you.
And I went along with it because
I love him to pieces.
And you made him
look like a fool.
Well, I don't want you anywhere
near my house!
Now you can cut!
What's the matter, Declan?
Did a cop give you a ticket
for talking like a fruit?
It's the oddest thing.
I actually feel affection for these
knuckle-dragging sub-monkeys.
I feel sorry for Homer Simpson.
What, have you been
sipping cuckoo juice?
Homer's got it made.
He's married to one hell of a woman.
All I've got is this porn channel
I'm too cheap to descramble.
- That's an ad for shoe inserts.
- What the....?
I've been writing creepy
letters to that?
But what you said about
Homer, it's...
it's given me a brilliant idea!
An action movie where I play the Pope
who kills the president?
No, that's a terrible idea.
Yeah, I know. It's stupid.
I think it could work, though.
I've even got a title:
Pontiff No Return.
I came up with it,
but I don't really get it.
The next day,
I invited Homer to my editing bay.
- Oh, my God, the view!
- This makes it all worth it!
Yeah, it's not so much fun
when you're blind.
At least you made it
up the mountain.
No thanks to you two.
All right, you lured
me to your bay.
Now what sick game
are you playing?
I have some footage to show you.
O, spirit! Are you gonna
show me my future?
My snow-flecked grave,
mourned by no man?
Well, it's not too late
for me to change!
You there, boy!
Buy me a Christmas goose!
The biggest one in the shop!
And then what?
Homer, come over here
and take a look at this.
I've gone over 100,000 hours
of Springfield footage
twice... and put together
something you must see.
If I could trade lives with anybody,
I'd pick Homer.
Have you been to Homer's house?
It's got a back yard, a front yard...
The place is like yard city!
I love his laugh.
He picked the perfect time
to lock in his mortgage.
He's the kindest, sweetest,
most generous man
ever to drive through
my living room.
I'll pay for most of this!
He may not be perfect,
but he's my dad.
Homer gave me a kidney.
It wasn't his, I didn't need it,
and it came postage due,
but still, a lovely gesture.
I like when Daddy's out of work 'cause
he can spend more time with me.
At bedtime, he tucks me in tighter
than anyone else could.
And you know what?
No monsters have gotten me yet.
Wow...
I have a pretty good
life after all.
Homer!
Don't kill the foreign man!
Relax, Marge.
I wasn't gonna kill him.
All those years I was
dreaming of other things,
I was actually doing
what I really wanted:
hanging out with my family,
drinking with my friends,
making friends with my family
and hanging with my drinking.
Marge, you're my real
dream come true.
And I get to live you every day.
Oh, Homie!
You make each eight-year interval
better than the last!
- Springfield Up -
Oh, hello.
I'm documentary filmmaker
Declan Desmond.
32 years ago I interviewed a group
of Springfield schoolchildren.
These children ran the
gamut of society:
rich and poor, black and white,
"he'll grow into his looks"
and "forever hideous."
My dad was a circus freak,
but my mom don't remember which one.
I like to think it was a
little bit of all of them.
Every eight years, I
revisited those children,
creating a cinematic
chronicle of their lives.
Join me, won't you, to
see dreams dissolve
like a muffin in the rain
in "Growing up Springfield".
What does the future
hold for these children?
Will he grow up to work
in a robot factory?
Will she be the receptionist
for a robot businessman?
And will he be a crusader
for robo-sexual rights?
I say, "yes," "no," and "yes."
Whee!
So, Lenny, what have we here?
My daddy said I can have
any birthday party I want.
My cake will be a picture of a dinosaur
and all the guests will say,
"Why, Lenny, that's a fine cake!"
Then, "Yes," I'll say.
I decided not to waste any
more film on him after that.
I wish for world peace.
I wish for world war.
Oh, yeah, that would be cooler.
I wish when I grow up,
I'll be richer than everybody!
I will! I will be rich!
I'll own a football team
and a basketball team
and I'll make them play baseball!
But what became of
these wide-eyed naives?
Let's begin by following the
life of little Clancy Wiggum.
Bang-bang! Bang!
Freeze, robber, freeze!
Bang, bang, bang!
It hurts! It hurts so bad!
Please, just put one in my brain!
Okay.
- Uh, bang.
- Thank you.
As hall monitor, I am the law.
But what became of these wide-eyed na fs?
No running in the hall.
Let's begin by following the life
No running in the hall.
Ah, no running in the hall.
Hey, detention bird!
Thanks for not running in the hall.
Go, Wildcats.
At 24, Clancy Wiggum was
accepted into the police academy.
Hmm...
Wiggum!
What did I tell you about
pointsy-towardsies?!
You seem a little cranky, Commandant.
A back rub'll set you right.
There we go.
Woouh Ooh... okay.
Don't be afraid to dig
in there good!
Hey, what's the matter, buddy?
Need a backrub?
At 32, Officer Wiggum had found
the fast track to becoming chief.
Oh, yeah, oh, that's the stuff.
Thanks for giving me
an 8:30 appointment.
You are a lifesaver.
You know, if I was Chief,
I could give you 8:30 every day.
I don't have the authority to...
Oh... oh...
I'll make it happen.
And here we are in now-times.
As you can see, I've gotten
everything I've ever wanted.
Except pants that fit.
I told you that if I let you in this
movie you couldn't make fun of me.
I'm not making fun of you.
I'm making fun of your pants.
Well, how'd you like it if
I made fun of your pants?
Go ahead.
Well, they're a little, uh...
They-they, uh...
Oh, they're perfect.
When I grow up,
I'll have a giant mansion,
my own pinball machine
with infinity quarters,
eight pairs of peanut
butter and jelly pajamas...
How many wishes do I have left?
None. You never had any.
I'm not a genie.
D'oh!
Homer, your dreams will
take a lot of money.
Don't look at me.
Look at the camera.
Got it.
I said, look at the camera.
No problem.
Now you're looking at a mud puddle.
That's your hand.
That's the production accountant.
That's your other hand.
Do you even know
what a camera is?
Well, of cour... No.
I'm gonna put this squeaky
toy on top of the camera.
Squeaky! Squeaky!
Squeaky, squeaky!
Squeaky, squeaky, squeaky!
Unsurprisingly, by age 24,
Homer's dreams of wealth
had not come to fruition.
Manure for sale!
Get your manure!
Loamiest in town!
Hey, the manure dealership is just
one of the things I got going.
I also have a sweet gig as an
infomercial question-asker.
Um, I know Super Clean
cleans, but does it scrub?
My garage band is
getting so tight.
Yeah, yeah, yeah
The album cover's gonna be a
naked girl with stars for boobs.
And I do open-casket caricatures.
Did he have any hobbies?
Get out of here!
But Homer had found a peanut of hope
in his Cracker Jack box of despair.
Homer is so amazing!
He can chug a beer and pitch
woo at the same time.
The light from your eyes
could guide a ship at sea.
Eh?
Are you two considering children?
Kids? No way!
You'll never see a couple
of rugrats tying me down!
You better not put this shot
after the one where I
said I won't have kids.
That would be a
devastating edit.
Homer, your life is
nothing to be ashamed of.
You've got a loving family and a
steady job at a nuclear power plant.
You're not English Breakfast,
but you're not Lapsang Soochong either.
Oh, yeah?
Check with me in eight
years, Dr. Who.
I'll be kickin' your ass
with a solid gold boot!
Hmm... what's changed for me
since the last time I saw you?
Only... everything!
I can't believe it!
Homer Simpson...
a bloody millionaire?!
Why do you sound so shocked?
This is our fifth take.
Whee!
Now that I'm super-wealthy,
I can buy them whatever
their hearts desire.
That's why rich kids
turn out so well.
- Mine has a cup holder.
- Bart, that's a blowhole.
You're a blowhole!
No, boy. Up, up, up!
Well, Marge, you must be
proud of your "Homie."
Oh, yes, I'm so proud,
I feel my chest might burst.
Can you edit that? I don't want
to say "chest" in a movie.
You said it and it stays.
But I must know... How did Homer
come so far in eight short years?
This pays a lot better
than you think.
We pay him in limes.
That's right, limes.
You see, Declan,
I made my millions
with a simple invention:
the Condiment Pen!
Just click the
buttons at the top,
and you can choose from ketchup,
mustard, mayo and relish.
Do, do, do, do, do-do-do.
I got the idea from
the regular pen.
Can I use it on fish and chips?
I don't know.
You can put horseradish on your
dead mother for all I care.
The point is: I'm
rich, rich, rich!
I guess there's no way I can
embarrass you any further.
Just look! My dog has
his own Jacuzzi!
He loves it!
You win, Homer.
I guess there's no way I can
embarrass you any further.
Barely Literate,
smells Like Feet
When I, um, grow up, I'm
gonna be a rocket scientist!
To Mars!
Zoom.
Zoom.
Ah, bullies approaching.
Activate cloaking device.
Professor Frink, you've become
one of Springfield's most
renowned scientific minds.
You discovered and
cured Frink's disease,
created the element Frinkonium,
and invented the
eight-month-after pill.
Yes, yes, all right. All of
that means nothing, sir.
I've spent my whole life in the
lab and never talked to a girl.
That's why I built
this time machine.
I give you the chrono-trike!
Now, I'll go back in time
to tell myself to choose
a different career,
one where I'll meet a female
woman of the girl-u-lar variety.
Have to get the
speed going here.
Listen to me, little Frink.
I am here to warn you...
That was...
Hey, I'm still going, but...
Hey... cool!
I want to be a lawyer and a doctor
because a woman can do anything.
At 24, Eleanor had graduated
from Harvard Medical and Yale Law.
Your Honor, I'd like to
request a continuance
so I can go deliver a baby.
I love babies. I'll allow it.
I'm a little burnt-out.
So, sometimes...
don't shoot me...
I have a glass of wine
with Buster here.
He's a real comfort.
I might even get a second cat.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Nice kitty.
I like taking pictures.
Whee!
Take my picture.
Take my picture.
Aw, crap, my first kiss.
You could do a lot
worse, my friend.
At age 16,
Marge was the star photographer
for her school newspaper.
CHEERLEADER FLUNG INTO
NEXT COUNTY
BOY BRINGS ENOUGH FOR EVERYONE
TYPING CLASS TRAGEDY
But her interests soon expanded
beyond shutterbuggery.
The biggest change for me
over the last eight years?
That's got to be Homer.
Marge, baby!
I got a picture of you
tattooed on my chest.
They had a sale on skulls.
At 24,
Marge's photojournalistic dreams were,
shall we say, underdeveloped?
I need one wallet-sized photo
for my captain's license.
Coming right up.
Mind if I turn on
a little music?
It's so danceable.
Nautical Stu loves disco music.
And the world welcomed Disco Stu.
I need a full-time job
to support Homer
so he has time to work
on his rock music,
his erotic etchings,
his Play-Doh Theater...
And yet look how
things turned out.
This overnight affluence must have
come as a tremendous shock.
Oh, yes, sir.
As shocks go, this one's
a real zaparoo.
Listen, something's been
piquing my curiosity.
Why is your medicine cabinet
full of old man ointments?
Oh... mm-hmm.
Well, yeah, the ointments, um...
What are you people doing
in my summer home?
This is Eduardo, my pool boy.
He thinks he's an angry, rich man.
I am an angry, rich man.
That's the pool chemicals talking.
Homer J. Simpson, your fabulous
millionaire lifestyle is all a lie.
Oh, Father, my pony Buttercup
can jump ever so high...
Hoo-boy, it's Mr. Burns.
Please, Mr. Burns,
pretend you work for me.
You can have the boy.
Just don't beat him.
You can beat him.
Just don't leave marks.
Shut up, you waste
of skin and fat.
You've desecrated my
every possession.
Oh, thank you, sir.
For three days I've had nothing to
read but clock-setting instructions...
"Using the suspension spring
above the pendulum leader,
hang the pendulum on the
pendulum guide..."
Mr. Burns, we're so sorry.
The plan was just to use your backyard,
and the next thing we know,
Mr. Smithers is tied up in
a grandfather clock.
Please get me out of here.
It's 11:59:59.
I've heard enough.
Release the hounds.
Uh, sir, your hounds are still
at the winter house.
Well, bring them over
in the Durango.
Shadow and Winston have
been fighting a lot.
Put Winston in the front.
Winston doesn't like the front.
Just do it. Do it. Do it now!
...and that's how I got the vending
machine contract for the Kremlin.
Sorry, sir.
Traffic was a nightmare.
Then I got caught in some
kind of garlic festival.
Release the hounds.
Stop it, Winston!
In the wake of this deception,
I had two questions for Homer...
"Why lie?" and "Lies... why?"
But he seemed less
than eager to meet.
Homer, I brought a squeaky!
Help!
I realized that if this bunny
was going to be boiled,
I would have to turn up the heat.
There you are!
I'm ready for my segment.
Lenny...
always exciting to hear from you.
Did you ever try
that new shampoo?
Nope, never did.
Want to watch me pay
my cable bill?
I got checks with
butterflies on them.
- I am interesting.
- No, you're not.
What do you want?
Marge, can you just let
me in for a minute?
We let you in 32 years ago
and it's brought us nothing but pain.
Well, if you want, I can cut
you out of the film.
No, no, no, no, no!
Let's not get crazy.
Then I just want to know why
your husband did what he did.
I'll tell you why.
It's been another eight years
and what do I have?
Same job, same house,
same dirty joke book.
I just thought for once I could
be the cool guy in your movie.
But all I am is the guy who makes
everyone else look good.
Strong words from a dumpy man.
And cut.
Wait just a cotton-swabbing minute!
A good man went to a lot of
trouble just to impress you.
And I went along with it because
I love him to pieces.
And you made him
look like a fool.
Well, I don't want you anywhere
near my house!
Now you can cut!
What's the matter, Declan?
Did a cop give you a ticket
for talking like a fruit?
It's the oddest thing.
I actually feel affection for these
knuckle-dragging sub-monkeys.
I feel sorry for Homer Simpson.
What, have you been
sipping cuckoo juice?
Homer's got it made.
He's married to one hell of a woman.
All I've got is this porn channel
I'm too cheap to descramble.
- That's an ad for shoe inserts.
- What the....?
I've been writing creepy
letters to that?
But what you said about
Homer, it's...
it's given me a brilliant idea!
An action movie where I play the Pope
who kills the president?
No, that's a terrible idea.
Yeah, I know. It's stupid.
I think it could work, though.
I've even got a title:
Pontiff No Return.
I came up with it,
but I don't really get it.
The next day,
I invited Homer to my editing bay.
- Oh, my God, the view!
- This makes it all worth it!
Yeah, it's not so much fun
when you're blind.
At least you made it
up the mountain.
No thanks to you two.
All right, you lured
me to your bay.
Now what sick game
are you playing?
I have some footage to show you.
O, spirit! Are you gonna
show me my future?
My snow-flecked grave,
mourned by no man?
Well, it's not too late
for me to change!
You there, boy!
Buy me a Christmas goose!
The biggest one in the shop!
And then what?
Homer, come over here
and take a look at this.
I've gone over 100,000 hours
of Springfield footage
twice... and put together
something you must see.
If I could trade lives with anybody,
I'd pick Homer.
Have you been to Homer's house?
It's got a back yard, a front yard...
The place is like yard city!
I love his laugh.
He picked the perfect time
to lock in his mortgage.
He's the kindest, sweetest,
most generous man
ever to drive through
my living room.
I'll pay for most of this!
He may not be perfect,
but he's my dad.
Homer gave me a kidney.
It wasn't his, I didn't need it,
and it came postage due,
but still, a lovely gesture.
I like when Daddy's out of work 'cause
he can spend more time with me.
At bedtime, he tucks me in tighter
than anyone else could.
And you know what?
No monsters have gotten me yet.
Wow...
I have a pretty good
life after all.
Homer!
Don't kill the foreign man!
Relax, Marge.
I wasn't gonna kill him.
All those years I was
dreaming of other things,
I was actually doing
what I really wanted:
hanging out with my family,
drinking with my friends,
making friends with my family
and hanging with my drinking.
Marge, you're my real
dream come true.
And I get to live you every day.
Oh, Homie!
You make each eight-year interval
better than the last!