The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 18, Episode 12 - Little Big Girl - full transcript

When Bart performs a heroic act, Springfield grants him 1 wish. Barts asks for a driver's license, and he drives to a nearby town. There, he meets a teen (Natalie Portman) who thinks he is 16, and the two begin dating.

The Simpsons 18x012 (JABF04)
- Little Big Girl -

Hmm.

What's the matter,
sweetie?

Tomorrow's Multicultural Day
at school.

Now what do they want?

I've got tgive a presentation

about our family's heritage,

but ours is so boring.

Yep. The Simpsons

have never married,

or even shook hands,



with anyone interesting.

In a world of 31 flavors,

we're the cup of water

they rinse the scoops in.

Grampa out.

Aw, Grampa.

We should take lots of pictures

of him while we still can.

Camera's broken!

Hey, Lis, check it out.

With some clever scissor work,

I can make the Lake Land Butter

Indian maiden show me her boobs.

Clean, dirty.



Clean, dirty.

Clean, dirty.

Bart, stop that!

Native Americans
are a proud people

with a noble heritage.

A noble heritage

that anyone can claim.

Cool!

Look what Snap's
doing to Pop

while Crackle watches!

"My great-great-great-

great... great-grandmother

"was a Native American.

She was a member of the..."

"...Hitachee tribe."

Wait. Is it wrong for me

to appropriate the culture

of a long-suffering people?

I'll tell you
what's wrong:

You getting a "C"
on this project

and winding up at
a third-rate college.

Lisa, the world needs you
to go to Wellesley!

You're right.

I'll just need to find
traditional garb.

And so, my proud people

were nearly destroyed
by the warfare, disease,

and greed of
the invading Europeans.

I didn't come here
to be insulted.

Guten tag!

Today, the Hitachees

have dwindled to a handful,

and our detailed
genealogical records

were cruelly destroyed

by the white man.

So, any to research my tribe

would be the ultimate insult.

Splendid, Lisa.

By far, the best
presentation of the day.

I'm still proud of what I am.

And you should be.

The city's Multicultural Council

has invited one lucky student

to perform at City Hall.

Lisa, you'll be
representing us

and the noble
Hitachee people.

Oh... great!

I'd... love to.

Mm-hmm.

Why did I have to lie
about my heritage?

By speaking with forked tongue,

I am in heap big trouble.

And now I'm thinking
in stereotypes!

That's even worse!

Must be the war cry
of her tribe.

Probably.

Now, get me some coffee.

Daddy, I got
me a C-minus

on my Multicultural project.

A C-minus, huh?

Well, let's celebrate.

Hey, Brandine,
empty out the tub!

We's makin' rum!

Can't use the tub!

I'm drownin' rats in it!

Still?! Are you drownin' 'em
or makin' love to 'em?

Oh!

Mr. Burns, help me!

Why? You're not helping me.

But, sir, I'm flaming!

My God, Willie, that fire
is headed right for
the tetherball pole.

Put it out!

I cannot!

All the extinguiers are gone!

Then I'm afraid
these Wet Ones

will have to do the job.

Gah! These are drier

than a Charles Grodin quip.

What monster,
or pair of monsters,

would steal our extinguishers?

If this works, I'll go faster

than any ten-year-old
has ever gone.

Whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa!

The flames are heading straight

for the Flammable District!

That's where
our mom works!

My last words are "Lisa sucks!"

That boy is a hero!

Let's get hoisted!

Bart! Bart! Bart!

Young man, to
show our gratitude,

the city of Springfield

will grant you one wish.

Really? Hmm.

That's it! I want a license!

To kill?

No. To drive.

Suit yourself.

Do you wish
to be an organ donor?

No way! I don't want my guts

touching some sick guy.

Well, you make a good point

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I agree.

Oh, this is a bad time for me

to have massive organ failure

Where do you think you're going?

Oh, I can't believe
this day is already here.

Me taking you for your
first driving lesson.

Hey! That jerk cut us off.

Pull alongside.

Eat Marshall Tucker,
idiot!

Homer? Is that you?

Floor it!

So long suckers.

The Hitachees invented women's lacrosse...

soft luggage...

And that thing
where you're walking

and someone's
walking towards you

and you each try to step aside

but you both go the same way

and you do it again and again

until one of you
justots around?

They had seven names for that.

Whoa, you just
blew my mind!

Uh, thank you and good night.

Yay!

Show's over. Let's go.

What's your hurry?

Well, some of my report...

um... wasn't thoroughly

fact-checked.

My little girl's
just like CBS News.

Lisa, it was wonderful!

I am such a proud
Hitachee mother.

Lisa, hi, my name is
John Squawking Bear.

I'm a reporter for
The Chippewa Bugle.

I happen to have today's.

You know, uh, I thought I
knew all the lost tribes.

I've never heard
of the Hitachee.

Yes, we're among the lostest.

Uh-huh. Where
were you centered?

Centered. Centered...

You know where the four
states come together?

Oh, quite well.

Not there. Not even close.

In the name of the Great Turtle,

will you answer the question?

We were south... west of...

North Dakota-lahoma.

Hmm.

Very good.

Well, I better

get to my office
before my boss,

Screaming Editor, gets mad.

I kid, but he's a real jerk.

Hey, guys. See you in a bit.

I entered a thousand-mile
Baja Road race.

Hold on there, boy.

If you wanna keep using that car,

you'd better start
pullin' your weight.

This cell phone is
so I can call you

whenever I need your
driving services.

I put in my
own ringtone!

Hello, Bart?

Now, listen. I need you

to go the gas station.

Tell them you need

to inflate your tires,

but actually you inflate

these volleyballs.

Then, throw them over

the wall of the prison

to create chaos
and confusion.

H-Hello?

Bart! Buddy!

It's your dad!

I need a ride.

I think I'm in Chinatown.

Not our Chinatown.

Slow down!

You're too close
to that car.

Your hands should be at ten and

two, not three and nothing!

You know, it'd be a real shame

if someone started

investigating your
"Indian heritage."

I'll be good.

Oh, man.

What now?

Boy, I don't want
to freak you out,

but I'm calling
from inside the trunk.

That was me.

Some very un-cool people

put me in here.

This sucks.

I can't do anything fun

'cause I'm doing so many

stupid errands.

Shut up, shut up, shut up!

Ah! It's dark in here!

Oh, I gotta get outta

this town for a while.

Time to put the pedal to the metal.

Ooh, North Haverbrook.

The very name conjures up
romance and intrigue.

Wow, a mint condition
Hippie Hulk from 1968!

Tune in, turn on, Hulk out!

Oh, man, this town's got everything!

Hey, hey, LBJ, how many pants
you rip today?

Gonna rock around the clock tonight

Gonna rock, gonna rock
around the clock tonight.

Any of you ladie
like stereo music?

I do.

You look kinda young.

Yeah. I have that disease that
makes you look like an old man,

but they gave me medicine
for it and I took too much.

That's cool.
I'm Darcy.

I'm Bart Simpson,
who the hell are you?

Oh, right. Darcy.

Bart! This is a matter
of life and death.

What is the difference
between ketchup and catsup?

They're gonna cut
my head off...

Kyle, are you sure we
should be making out

in this abandoned sawmill?

Lighten up, baby.

There hasn't been a murder
here in ten years.

Ten years tonight.

It's the kid we locked in the
cemetery in the first grade!

Hey, what are you gonna do
with that chainsaw, dork?

I really like you, Bart.

That is such a girl
thing to say.

So, Doctor, was it all a dream.

Bart, let's get married.

- What?!
- Why not?

We've made out.

It's not right to make
out with somebody

if you have no intention
of marrying them.

I mean, you're not a jerk, right?

- No, I'm not, but...
- Then it's settled.

Oh, man, I must be the first guy
who was ever pressured

into marriage.

Look, Darcy, I like you.
I really do. It's just...

- I'm only ten years old.
- Wha?!

I'm really sorry.

Bart, I've been keeping
a secret from you, too.

I'm pregnant

- I'm going to be a father?!
- What?! No!

You couldn't be the father.
We never got close to that.

Really? We didn't?

But we kissed and held
hands at the same time.

Wow, you really are ten.

I thought you were just
kind of stupid.

I'm ten and stupid.

Look, if I'm not the
father, then who is?

A Norwegian exchange student.

He's long gone,
back to Norwegia.

I wanted you to marry me
so my baby would have a dad.

I'm very religious that way.

How religious can you be
if you're pregnant?

Good answer.

Marrying you was my only hope.

When my parents find out,
they're gonna kill me.

Look, Darcy, maybe there's
still a way we can get married.

How?
You're just a kid!

Maybe I shouldn't be
telling you this,

but there is a state where the
marriage laws are a little looser.

- Utah.
- Utah?

Home of America's
most powerful weirdos?

Our lives could be
so wonderful there.

Oh, Bart.

You are an extreme husband
and an extreme father.

Awesome!

The people of my tribe lived
in harmony with the land.

Eating mock buffalo steaks
made from peaceful turnip roots,

uh, they...
Environment...

uh, dignity...

Corn god...

I'm sorry, I can't do this!
I made it all !

There is no Hitachee tribe.

I took the name
from my microwave.

But surely you can forgive
a little girl who...

Wait, wait.

Although she is not
one of our people,

this young lady has shown the courage
we Native Americans cherish.

And who can blame her
for wanting to be one of us?

We have a noble heritage
and cheekbones to die for.

I'm not Native American, either.
I just ski a lot.

- I'm Japanese.
- Well, I'm an Aborigine.

I'm two midgets in a costume.

What?

Not you, Fibbing Bear?!

You know, my great-great
grandmother was an Indian.

I guess I should've
mentioned that before, huh?

Yes, you should have!

Bart, sweetie.
I need some strawberries.

I bet they sell them in Utah.

Bart, I need some strawberries.
Right now.

- We're in the middle of the desert.
- I need strawberries!

Take my wife...
please.

Hey, I finally get that joke.

I just found this note
in Bart's room.

"Dear Mom and Dad,
me and my girlfriend Darcy

have gone to Utah
to get married.

FYI: she's pregnant."

Simpson men get the job done.

It's a tragedy,
a real tragedy.

I mean, what kind of tramp gets
knocked up before she's even married?

I did.

I mean in this day and age,
when the link between sex

and pregnancy has been proven
so... conclusively...

in Scientific American, where...

Okay, we can trace where the kids are
by the charges they made on your card.

In Colorado, they charged
$200 worth of bubble gum.

Actually, that was me.

"Dingle's Berries"
in Provo, Utah?

Why would I go to Utah?

I love booze,
caffeine and monogamy.

Then that must be it.

Our daughter says she's
run off with your son.

- Did she mention she was knocked up?
- No!

Oops! Sorry for the spoiler.

So how many brides will you
be marrying today, Mr. Simpson?

- Just one.
- What are you, gay?

Stop the wedding!

Bart, you're too young
to get married.

You still make me check
the closet for the boogeyman.

Well, maybe I found
someone else to do it for me.

Someone who will do
a more thorough job.

I don't care how young he is,

he took advantage of a girl
five years older than him.

Utah karate!

Dad, lay off the Bartman.

He's not the father.

I just wanted to marry him, so you and
Mom wouldn't be ashamed of me.

Ashamed?
I'm thrilled...

because I'm gonna
have a baby, too!

We can lie to the neighbors
and tell them they're twins.

Awesome idea, Dad.

I guess this is the end for us, Bart.

Thanks for everything.

Darcy, in 50 years,

you might see me walking down
the street and you'll wonder,

"Is that Bart?"
And I'll go...

and you'll know.

You know, I thought Darcy and I would
be like a real married couple.

Instead we just ended up
fighting all the time.

Yeah, how 'bout that?

You know, for a while,

I was kind of looking
forward to being a dad.

Son, one day you're going
to be a great father.

- And someday you'll be one, too.
- Thanks, boy.

Hey, for old time's sake,

you want to drive me
around while I sing

public domain songs out the window?

You got it.

Twinkle, twinkle
Little star

How I wonder what you are

Transcript : Raceman
Synchro : Job22, Daffy