The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 18, Episode 11 - Revenge Is a Dish Best Served Three Times - full transcript
While Homer tries to get revenge on a driver who cut him off, his family warns him of the folly of revenge by telling stories based on "The Count of Monte Cristo," "Revenge of the Nerds," and "Batman."
The Simpsons 18x11 (JABF05)
Revenge Is A Dish Best Served Three Times
Nothing beats taking a family drive
with our new satellite radio.
Which of the 25
easy-listening stations
should we listen to?
I say "Cool Waves."
"Neon Breeze!"
"Chill Thunder!"
"Chill Thunder!"
You're all idiots.
I'm putting it
on "Chill Thunder Lite."
Oh, now that's smooth.
Out of my way,
you seat belt-wearin' cowards!
Hey! Nobody cuts me off!
Homer, no!
Revenge never solves anything.
Then what's America
doing in Iraq?
Well, let me tell you a story
about a time revenge brought
only unhappiness and misery.
It happened
many years ago in Paris.
Texas?
No, France.
There was a happy young family.
Papa, may we
have chocolat?
Papa, may we have
petit fours?
May we? May we?
Mais oui!
Oh, mon cher,
I am the luckiest wife
in the entire
16th arrondissement!
Let us kiss
with the tongues.
I hate that Homer jerk
with his beautiful wife
and loving family,
when all I got is this doorway.
Well, enjoy your sensual
tongue-play while you can
'cause I've got a plan
to take everything you got!
Monsieur Simpson.
You're under arrest
for treason.
Treason? But I love France.
The way all our words
are either a girl or a guy.
Oh, that's the best.
Tell it to le baton!
I don't want the kids
to see me this way.
Don't worry!
They're still drunk from school.
Uh... deux... trois.
Listen to this
letter he wrote.
"Dear England,
"how I love your
moors and heaths.
"For you, I'd do
whatever it takes,
especially treason."
I didn't write that!
Even if I did love England,
I'd play it cool.
Wait for it to come to me.
I sentence you to life.
You moron! I'm already alive.
In prison.
I'm gonna stop now.
I shouldn't be here.
I was framed.
You think you
got problems?
The man in the
iron mask over there
is the rightful
King of France.
Hey, wait,
did you guys hear that?
He just admitted it. Guys?
Oh, man, this place
is so unfair.
Are you going to torture me?
We can't tell you.
Not knowing is
the worst torture of all.
Well, that and
the rat helmet.
Now get some sleep.
You've got a 9:00 a.m.
rat helmet.
Oh, 9:00 a.m.
I swear revenge on Meaux!
Even if it takes me
the rest of my life!
Can you loosen my arms
so I can shake my fists?
You're the traitor.
Revenge!
Okay.
Thank you.
Oh, little mouse.
You are the only thing
that keeps me sane.
Now I have nothing.
Perhaps
I may be of help.
Where did you come from?
I'm your cell mate.
You never noticed me
because frankly,
you're extremely self-centered.
Oh, sorry, I wasn't listening.
I was checking out my reflection
in this yellow water.
Ho-ho-ho-ho, looking good.
Young man, I have the answer
to your problems.
I spent 30 years
digging this tunnel,
but now I can't use it.
I'm simply too old.
And decrepit.
But you can escape
and use this map
to retrieve
my buried treasure.
With it you can
have your revenge.
Ooh, the-the!
But why are you helping me?
Well, because before
my wretched life
comes to a close,
I want to know that
I had one friend.
Also, because while you slept,
I violated you repeatedly.
So this map leads
to a treasure, huh?
I wonder how long
this tunnel
...iiiiiiiis!
D'oh!
Damn it!
How's it going?
D'oh!
Uh-huh. Hmm.
Mon Dieu!
Whoo-hoo-hee!
Ew! Silver.
Ooh, a penny.
This is my lucky day!
Frère Jacques, Frère Jacques
Dormez-vous, dormez-vous
Oh, I love today's music.
Frère this, and Jacques that.
Out of sight.
"The Count of Monte Cristo
invites you to a formal gala."
Ooh, the Count of Monte Cristo!
Can we go?
We haven't been
to any parties
since that soirie
at the Bastille.
Ah...
summer nights.
When will we meet
the count?
Do you think
he'll like us?
I've heard rumors
he's mysterious.
Madame, you have the shapely,
hairless knuckles of a queen.
Oh. Well.
Monsieur Meaux,
I would be honored
if you would be the first
to enjoy the evening's
entertainment.
Here it is:
the harmless chair
of relaxation.
I heard about these things.
They're good for
doing the wife, right?
Oh!
Little do you know
that the Count of Monte Cristo
is in fact
an old acquaintance of yours.
Ma?
I have returned!
I don't get it.
Oh, hold on.
It's him!
Monsieur Simpson!
Homer, you're back!
Oui, oui! And I have spent
the last five years
plotting the most
exquisite revenge!
Okay, lesson learned.
Friends again?
Crjpes?
Suzette!
Homer?
Yes, my love?
You killed
my husband.
No!
Papa Meaux!
Papa Meaux!
You guys liked him?
We were together
for five years.
Now who's going
to take care of the triplets?
But Marge,
I did it all for you.
For me, huh?
What took you so long?
It takes time
to make a revenge machine
this awesome.
Plus, in the middle,
I had to take revenge
on some of my contractors.
You spent so much time
plotting your revenge,
you lost everything
that really mattered.
Come on, kids.
So you see, Homer,
revenge only leads to misery.
Weren't you listening?
I just told you a whole story
about revenge.
Oh right.
Revenge!
I'm gonna get my revenge,
and if I get caught,
I'm pinning it on the baby
like the time I shot Mr. Burns.
Dad, wait.
I've got a story
about why revenge is wrong.
Is it The Count of Monte Cristo?
'Cause I love that story.
No.
I call it
Revenge of the Geeks.
I'm so sick of those bullies.
We got to figure out
some way to stop 'em.
Perhaps we could tell
the principal.
Tell me what?
Behold the Get-back-inator.
We're gonna beat those bullies
with a glove?
This is far more than a mere glove.
This is the turning point in the
eternal battle of brain v. brawn.
All it requires is
a small amount of coordination.
I can handle the glove.
I took juggling at camp.
Good morning, dinguses.
What are you doing,
touching each other's butts?
Oh, you are so dead
you're alive.
What is this place?
Ah, what a pleasant surprise.
It seems that now
the shoe is on the other...
Revenge!
My fun bags!
Please, have mercy!
I always thought
you were the coolest dork.
Stop hitting yourself.
Stop hitting yourself.
Stop hitting yourself.
Why are you hitting yourself?
Milhouse, thanks to you,
the nerds can breathe easy.
Except the ones with asthma,
which is all of them.
But still, it's great.
Yup, having a weapon at school
has really made things awesome.
Pardon my birdie.
I misjudged the prevailing winds.
You embarrassed me
in front of Lisa!
Milhouse, what's gotten into you?
Over the years,
a lot of people have hurt me.
Good thing I kept this list.
Oh, no, you've already
got your revenge!
You wouldn't give me
Chinese cuts in the lunch line.
You laughed when I threw up
on the glass-blowing tour.
Girls like you better.
Your parents are married!
Ay caramba!
That's the only line I get
in your stupid story?!
There are no small parts,
just small actors.
This is my first day
at this school.
I haven't done anything to you!
You will.
This is prevenge.
Why, look, it's Milhouse.
What's the power glove for?
Opening the cup on
your weirdo pills?
Willie, clean up this mess.
All right.
Milhouse, don't you see?
You're addicted to revenge.
You'll learn to love it
when you're my queen.
I see.
While it would be an honor
to be your queen...
Go on.
...I feel it would be best
if we just stay friends.
Nobody spares my feelings!
I can't do it.
I can't hurt you, Lisa.
You forgot about me
'cause I had the mumps.
That had what I really
like in a story:
an ending.
The point, Dad,
is that when you take revenge,
you become just as bad
as the person you harm.
No, sweetie, the lesson is:
never put down your weapon.
Revenge!
Look at that view.
It reminds me of how insignificant
we are in the world.
Yeehaw!
This is it.
It's taken all day.
We've missed our flight to Hawaii,
but finally I'll get my revenge.
Dad, wait!
- You haven't heard my story.
- You?
You're too dumb to tell a story.
No, seriously, you're great.
Let's hear it. Oh, geez.
My story takes place
in a time I call the past.
That stunk worse
than boiled cabbage.
You should feel lucky.
Not many boys have
parents who can afford
to take them to the
opera every night.
Parents who are still alive,
I might add.
Hmm, well, this alley
looks dangerous.
I better turn my ring around.
Oh, boy.
Hand over your wallet.
You don't frighten me!
Or my wife!
- Or my...
- Shut up.
Avenge me.
In flamboyant,
impractical fashion.
I want to avenge you,
but I don't know how.
- With my help.
- Grandpa?
In my younger days,
I was an ace crime fighter.
The "Crimson Cockatoo."
Now let's get you in shape
in an old-timey way.
Holy Hannah!
I've got more muscles
than a New England clam bank.
Now all I need
is a superhero name.
You can be the
Crimson Cockaboy.
- Hmm?
- I'll keep thinking.
Help! Somebody help!
That thief stole all my Heralds,
Tribunes, and Herald-Tribunes.
-A k-k-k-kid!
- I'm Bart-Man.
Thank you, masked vigilante.
Your overzealous homicide
has saved me 80 cents.
Now, if you're not going to buy
anything, please move along.
Tonight, the Springfield...
I mean Gotham underworld
is trembling
while solid citizens sleep
snug as a bug.
Why? Because Bart-Man
is knocking down bad guys
like Howard Hughes
knocks up young starlets!
Bad guys like
The Toker...
The Diddler...
Mr. Mole...
Sugar and Spice.
And Poison Lenny.
No snake tattoo.
When will I find the man
who murdered my parents?
W hen?
Attention, Bart-Man.
This is The Serpent,
saying "fangs a lot"
for getting rid
of the competish.
More stuff for me to steal!
No villain is safe from me,
Serpent!
But I'm not a villain.
I'm a transvestite.
Explain that to your maker.
I'll take it from here,
Bart-Man.
No sign of
the Serpent, Chief.
Everything's work
with you. Lighten up.
That music--
it's so hypnotic.
My bone has a mind of its own.
I'll be snaking those jewels
and venom gonna go.
Sorry I didn't asp
your permission.
Hope that's cobracetic.
Hey, jerk,
puns are lazy writing.
D'oh!
Party's over, Serpent!
No kidding because
you're standing in the dip.
You!
You're the man
who killed my parents!
I did it.
I finally got my revenge.
But it didn't bring
your parents back.
Tell me, big boy,
was it really worth it?
Well, I do feel a little better.
Plus, I got zillions of dollars
and no parents to tell me what to do.
Bart-Man, don't you want to join us?
Don't talk to me
when I'm vibrating.
So you see, revenge is great,
and there's three ways
to talk about it.
Although two of the ways
were kind of the same way,
and even the third one might have
worked better as a Halloween story.
That's okay, boy.
The two of us got to talking.
Yeah, turns out we have
a lot in common.
We're both from Connecticut.
Look at all them stars.
How many do you think there are?
- Two.
- What the...
Two? You think
there are two...
Well, I never.
How could you...?
Why do you think
it is that mankind
is so inclined towards
hating one another?
I don't know.
Let's just lay here
till we figure it out.
Transcript : Raceman
Traduction : Rassman, Gornack
Revenge Is A Dish Best Served Three Times
Nothing beats taking a family drive
with our new satellite radio.
Which of the 25
easy-listening stations
should we listen to?
I say "Cool Waves."
"Neon Breeze!"
"Chill Thunder!"
"Chill Thunder!"
You're all idiots.
I'm putting it
on "Chill Thunder Lite."
Oh, now that's smooth.
Out of my way,
you seat belt-wearin' cowards!
Hey! Nobody cuts me off!
Homer, no!
Revenge never solves anything.
Then what's America
doing in Iraq?
Well, let me tell you a story
about a time revenge brought
only unhappiness and misery.
It happened
many years ago in Paris.
Texas?
No, France.
There was a happy young family.
Papa, may we
have chocolat?
Papa, may we have
petit fours?
May we? May we?
Mais oui!
Oh, mon cher,
I am the luckiest wife
in the entire
16th arrondissement!
Let us kiss
with the tongues.
I hate that Homer jerk
with his beautiful wife
and loving family,
when all I got is this doorway.
Well, enjoy your sensual
tongue-play while you can
'cause I've got a plan
to take everything you got!
Monsieur Simpson.
You're under arrest
for treason.
Treason? But I love France.
The way all our words
are either a girl or a guy.
Oh, that's the best.
Tell it to le baton!
I don't want the kids
to see me this way.
Don't worry!
They're still drunk from school.
Uh... deux... trois.
Listen to this
letter he wrote.
"Dear England,
"how I love your
moors and heaths.
"For you, I'd do
whatever it takes,
especially treason."
I didn't write that!
Even if I did love England,
I'd play it cool.
Wait for it to come to me.
I sentence you to life.
You moron! I'm already alive.
In prison.
I'm gonna stop now.
I shouldn't be here.
I was framed.
You think you
got problems?
The man in the
iron mask over there
is the rightful
King of France.
Hey, wait,
did you guys hear that?
He just admitted it. Guys?
Oh, man, this place
is so unfair.
Are you going to torture me?
We can't tell you.
Not knowing is
the worst torture of all.
Well, that and
the rat helmet.
Now get some sleep.
You've got a 9:00 a.m.
rat helmet.
Oh, 9:00 a.m.
I swear revenge on Meaux!
Even if it takes me
the rest of my life!
Can you loosen my arms
so I can shake my fists?
You're the traitor.
Revenge!
Okay.
Thank you.
Oh, little mouse.
You are the only thing
that keeps me sane.
Now I have nothing.
Perhaps
I may be of help.
Where did you come from?
I'm your cell mate.
You never noticed me
because frankly,
you're extremely self-centered.
Oh, sorry, I wasn't listening.
I was checking out my reflection
in this yellow water.
Ho-ho-ho-ho, looking good.
Young man, I have the answer
to your problems.
I spent 30 years
digging this tunnel,
but now I can't use it.
I'm simply too old.
And decrepit.
But you can escape
and use this map
to retrieve
my buried treasure.
With it you can
have your revenge.
Ooh, the-the!
But why are you helping me?
Well, because before
my wretched life
comes to a close,
I want to know that
I had one friend.
Also, because while you slept,
I violated you repeatedly.
So this map leads
to a treasure, huh?
I wonder how long
this tunnel
...iiiiiiiis!
D'oh!
Damn it!
How's it going?
D'oh!
Uh-huh. Hmm.
Mon Dieu!
Whoo-hoo-hee!
Ew! Silver.
Ooh, a penny.
This is my lucky day!
Frère Jacques, Frère Jacques
Dormez-vous, dormez-vous
Oh, I love today's music.
Frère this, and Jacques that.
Out of sight.
"The Count of Monte Cristo
invites you to a formal gala."
Ooh, the Count of Monte Cristo!
Can we go?
We haven't been
to any parties
since that soirie
at the Bastille.
Ah...
summer nights.
When will we meet
the count?
Do you think
he'll like us?
I've heard rumors
he's mysterious.
Madame, you have the shapely,
hairless knuckles of a queen.
Oh. Well.
Monsieur Meaux,
I would be honored
if you would be the first
to enjoy the evening's
entertainment.
Here it is:
the harmless chair
of relaxation.
I heard about these things.
They're good for
doing the wife, right?
Oh!
Little do you know
that the Count of Monte Cristo
is in fact
an old acquaintance of yours.
Ma?
I have returned!
I don't get it.
Oh, hold on.
It's him!
Monsieur Simpson!
Homer, you're back!
Oui, oui! And I have spent
the last five years
plotting the most
exquisite revenge!
Okay, lesson learned.
Friends again?
Crjpes?
Suzette!
Homer?
Yes, my love?
You killed
my husband.
No!
Papa Meaux!
Papa Meaux!
You guys liked him?
We were together
for five years.
Now who's going
to take care of the triplets?
But Marge,
I did it all for you.
For me, huh?
What took you so long?
It takes time
to make a revenge machine
this awesome.
Plus, in the middle,
I had to take revenge
on some of my contractors.
You spent so much time
plotting your revenge,
you lost everything
that really mattered.
Come on, kids.
So you see, Homer,
revenge only leads to misery.
Weren't you listening?
I just told you a whole story
about revenge.
Oh right.
Revenge!
I'm gonna get my revenge,
and if I get caught,
I'm pinning it on the baby
like the time I shot Mr. Burns.
Dad, wait.
I've got a story
about why revenge is wrong.
Is it The Count of Monte Cristo?
'Cause I love that story.
No.
I call it
Revenge of the Geeks.
I'm so sick of those bullies.
We got to figure out
some way to stop 'em.
Perhaps we could tell
the principal.
Tell me what?
Behold the Get-back-inator.
We're gonna beat those bullies
with a glove?
This is far more than a mere glove.
This is the turning point in the
eternal battle of brain v. brawn.
All it requires is
a small amount of coordination.
I can handle the glove.
I took juggling at camp.
Good morning, dinguses.
What are you doing,
touching each other's butts?
Oh, you are so dead
you're alive.
What is this place?
Ah, what a pleasant surprise.
It seems that now
the shoe is on the other...
Revenge!
My fun bags!
Please, have mercy!
I always thought
you were the coolest dork.
Stop hitting yourself.
Stop hitting yourself.
Stop hitting yourself.
Why are you hitting yourself?
Milhouse, thanks to you,
the nerds can breathe easy.
Except the ones with asthma,
which is all of them.
But still, it's great.
Yup, having a weapon at school
has really made things awesome.
Pardon my birdie.
I misjudged the prevailing winds.
You embarrassed me
in front of Lisa!
Milhouse, what's gotten into you?
Over the years,
a lot of people have hurt me.
Good thing I kept this list.
Oh, no, you've already
got your revenge!
You wouldn't give me
Chinese cuts in the lunch line.
You laughed when I threw up
on the glass-blowing tour.
Girls like you better.
Your parents are married!
Ay caramba!
That's the only line I get
in your stupid story?!
There are no small parts,
just small actors.
This is my first day
at this school.
I haven't done anything to you!
You will.
This is prevenge.
Why, look, it's Milhouse.
What's the power glove for?
Opening the cup on
your weirdo pills?
Willie, clean up this mess.
All right.
Milhouse, don't you see?
You're addicted to revenge.
You'll learn to love it
when you're my queen.
I see.
While it would be an honor
to be your queen...
Go on.
...I feel it would be best
if we just stay friends.
Nobody spares my feelings!
I can't do it.
I can't hurt you, Lisa.
You forgot about me
'cause I had the mumps.
That had what I really
like in a story:
an ending.
The point, Dad,
is that when you take revenge,
you become just as bad
as the person you harm.
No, sweetie, the lesson is:
never put down your weapon.
Revenge!
Look at that view.
It reminds me of how insignificant
we are in the world.
Yeehaw!
This is it.
It's taken all day.
We've missed our flight to Hawaii,
but finally I'll get my revenge.
Dad, wait!
- You haven't heard my story.
- You?
You're too dumb to tell a story.
No, seriously, you're great.
Let's hear it. Oh, geez.
My story takes place
in a time I call the past.
That stunk worse
than boiled cabbage.
You should feel lucky.
Not many boys have
parents who can afford
to take them to the
opera every night.
Parents who are still alive,
I might add.
Hmm, well, this alley
looks dangerous.
I better turn my ring around.
Oh, boy.
Hand over your wallet.
You don't frighten me!
Or my wife!
- Or my...
- Shut up.
Avenge me.
In flamboyant,
impractical fashion.
I want to avenge you,
but I don't know how.
- With my help.
- Grandpa?
In my younger days,
I was an ace crime fighter.
The "Crimson Cockatoo."
Now let's get you in shape
in an old-timey way.
Holy Hannah!
I've got more muscles
than a New England clam bank.
Now all I need
is a superhero name.
You can be the
Crimson Cockaboy.
- Hmm?
- I'll keep thinking.
Help! Somebody help!
That thief stole all my Heralds,
Tribunes, and Herald-Tribunes.
-A k-k-k-kid!
- I'm Bart-Man.
Thank you, masked vigilante.
Your overzealous homicide
has saved me 80 cents.
Now, if you're not going to buy
anything, please move along.
Tonight, the Springfield...
I mean Gotham underworld
is trembling
while solid citizens sleep
snug as a bug.
Why? Because Bart-Man
is knocking down bad guys
like Howard Hughes
knocks up young starlets!
Bad guys like
The Toker...
The Diddler...
Mr. Mole...
Sugar and Spice.
And Poison Lenny.
No snake tattoo.
When will I find the man
who murdered my parents?
W hen?
Attention, Bart-Man.
This is The Serpent,
saying "fangs a lot"
for getting rid
of the competish.
More stuff for me to steal!
No villain is safe from me,
Serpent!
But I'm not a villain.
I'm a transvestite.
Explain that to your maker.
I'll take it from here,
Bart-Man.
No sign of
the Serpent, Chief.
Everything's work
with you. Lighten up.
That music--
it's so hypnotic.
My bone has a mind of its own.
I'll be snaking those jewels
and venom gonna go.
Sorry I didn't asp
your permission.
Hope that's cobracetic.
Hey, jerk,
puns are lazy writing.
D'oh!
Party's over, Serpent!
No kidding because
you're standing in the dip.
You!
You're the man
who killed my parents!
I did it.
I finally got my revenge.
But it didn't bring
your parents back.
Tell me, big boy,
was it really worth it?
Well, I do feel a little better.
Plus, I got zillions of dollars
and no parents to tell me what to do.
Bart-Man, don't you want to join us?
Don't talk to me
when I'm vibrating.
So you see, revenge is great,
and there's three ways
to talk about it.
Although two of the ways
were kind of the same way,
and even the third one might have
worked better as a Halloween story.
That's okay, boy.
The two of us got to talking.
Yeah, turns out we have
a lot in common.
We're both from Connecticut.
Look at all them stars.
How many do you think there are?
- Two.
- What the...
Two? You think
there are two...
Well, I never.
How could you...?
Why do you think
it is that mankind
is so inclined towards
hating one another?
I don't know.
Let's just lay here
till we figure it out.
Transcript : Raceman
Traduction : Rassman, Gornack