The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 16, Episode 15 - Future-Drama - full transcript
Bart and Lisa see into the future where their lives have changed.
♪ The Simpsons ♪
(TIRES SCREECHING)
D'oh!
(EXCLAIMING)
(BRAKES SCREECHING)
Hey, Lise,
there's your boyfriend.
(SIGHS)
(LAUGHS)
Oh, yeah? Well,
there's your girlfriend.
(BLABBERING)
Ah?
Yeah, well,
you love Moleman.
No, you do.
You're gay
for Moleman!
You're gay for Moleman!
(BOTH GRUNTING)
No one's gay for Moleman.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Where are we?
You're gay for Moleman!
Bart, Lisa, welcome.
I've been expecting you.
(BOTH GASP)
Your gasps
are appropriate,
because I have perfectly
predicted the future.
How did you know
we were coming?
Because, my dear,
I have mastered
the one true science.
Astrology.
Don't you
mean astronomy?
No, my dear,
I said astrology.
For years, you see,
astrology was
the Tampa Bay Devil Rays
of the sciences.
Not so good.
But with new,
more powerful computers,
astrology can show you
the future.
Would you like
to see yourselves
as teenagers?
No.
Let's go there now.
Feast your eyes on
the wondrous world
of eight years from Tuesday.
Kids, come down
for your prom photo.
Ooh!
Smile.
Oh, it's so great.
We can do anything
now that scientists
have invented magic.
I'm so proud of you.
Lisa graduating
two years early.
And Bart...
Graduating.
What'd I miss?
What'd I miss?
Homer, we're separated now.
You can't just walk in
without knocking.
Well, maybe I was
partying so hard
with my single friends
last night,
I forgot the rules.
Could you
please stop fighting
in front of us?
(EERILY) Why? Is it
messing you up?
Homer, just settle down.
We just got a postcard
from Maggie.
She's really
enjoying Alaska.
(GROANS)
Stupid wildlife.
Serves them right.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Lisa, your date's here.
Hey, Lisa.
Milhouse? Ugh!
I've been turning
him down for the prom
since kindergarten.
Yes. You relented at age 12
when he pulled you
out of a house fire,
which you later
found out he started.
You should have seen
the look on your face.
In fact, here it is.
Now, back to your teens.
Sorry I'm late, Lisa.
I was at the gym,
totally gunning my lats.
Just gunning them.
(GRUNTS)
Oh, man. The deposit
on this tux was
200 Reagans.
Hey, everybody.
Bart, you're looking crooked.
Hey, Jenda, how about
some forehead?
(GRUNTS)
(GROANS)
That was jagged.
Hmm. When I was a kid,
we didn't show our affection
by head-butting.
Oh, Marge.
(GROANS)
Oh, right, separated.
('80S ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
Ach! Who knew that
bio-engineered food
would to lead to smart puke?
(SQUEAKING)
Oh. You think you're better
than me, eh, puke?
So, Nelson,
who did you end up
bringing tonight?
Sherri, or Terri?
Uh, it didn't
seem fair to choose.
BABY 1: Ha-ha!
BABY 2: Ha-ha!
(CLEARS THROAT)
Welcome, seniors
and sexually-precocious
underclassmen.
I'd like to say goodbye
to those who are
going off to college,
or to fight in Gulf War V,
Operation Find Our
President's Head.
ALL; USA! Find the head!
USA! Find the head!
And now,
here's Assistant
Principal Kearney.
Okay, I want
a nice, clean prom.
That means
no booze, kick, puff,
doze, maxx, stim, or turb.
Remember, stim kills.
It's what turned
Superintendent Chalmers
into a vegetable.
Skinner. Skinner. Skinner.
I can use
the potty now.
Mmm.
(PSYCHEDELIC MUSIC PLAYING)
(SNARLING)
(WHIMPERS)
Your brother
is so hot.
Stop telling me that.
Oh, sorry, Lisa.
Sink activate.
I love your dress.
Soap activate.
Bart tells me
you got into Yale.
Sink terminate.
Yeah, even though
McDonald's owns Yale now,
it's still a great school.
And I could never
afford to go there
if I hadn't won
the Montgomery
Burns Scholarship.
Oh, yeah,
that's the thing
he had to do
as punishment for
stealing Christmas.
Yeah. I miss Christmas.
I don't.
(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)
So, any plans
after graduation?
Travel.
Do you need
a traveling companion,
perchance?
Travel canceled.
Whoa! Look out!
Bart, are you sure
about this limo driver
you hired?
I can fly. I can fly.
Just kidding,
I know I can't fly.
I can glide, though.
Whoa!
(BOTH MOANING)
Jenda, I think
we're ready to go
all the way,
but I'm
a little nervous.
Bart, don't be nervous.
Sex on prom
night is as American
as our 51st state,
Saudi lsraelia.
Jenda, that's not
what I meant.
I love you.
Will you marry me?
(GASPS)
That's really sweet,
but marriage is
a three-year commitment.
I mean, do you even know
what you're gonna
do with your life?
I've got it
all figured out.
You can waitress
while I learn to cut meat.
We'll live in a trailer,
but to avoid
paying for parking,
I'll drive
while you sleep.
We'll never,
ever stop.
Bart, I hate
to say this,
but I think
I outgrew you.
When?
Just this minute.
Mmm.
Okay, love birds,
break it up.
Hey, this one's alone.
Ha! What a loser.
(SNIFFS)
Oh! Here, you want
some chicken?
Just grab it with
your hands, go ahead.
We're not fancy here.
I'm tired of this.
I want to look at
a different future.
(BEEPING)
Meh.
So that's how
Jenda dumped me.
Son, sometimes people
just grow apart,
like me and your mom.
No, Mom dumped you
'cause you blew
all our money
on this underwater house.
She'll realize
she was a fool when...
Hey! Come back
with my patio furniture!
Stupid flounders.
Hey, I've got
a great idea.
We'll find some
new lady friends.
Come on, boy,
we're hitting the town.
After decompressing,
of course.
(BEEPING)
(AIR HISSING)
So, what do you do
to kill time in here?
There's a DVD player,
but it doesn't work.
(CLAN KING)
Why'd you buy
the first hover car
ever made?
Didn't you know
it'd take time to
work out the kinks?
Ha-ha!
I know!
It's a hover car!
All right!
You guys are my
new best friends.
You wish, loser! (GRUNTS)
(CLANKING)
(HOMER LAUGHING)
(SCREECHING)
(CLANGING)
Hey, Moe.
Hey, Moe clone.
Oh. Hiya, Homer.
Hi, Homer.
Hey,hey,hey!
I don't pay you
to socialize.
Right. You're
the people person.
Hey, watch it with
the attitude, mister.
You came from
my back fat!
Boy, I think I see
my two favorite letters
of the alphabet,
E-Z.
(CHUCKLES)
(GLASS SHATTERS)
You moron! (SIGHS)
Why did I ever think
I needed a clone?
Hey, I'm not the clone,
you're the clone!
Oh, please, not this again.
(CHUCKLES)
Son, say hello
to Edna.
(GASPS) Dad, that's my
fourth grade teacher!
(STUTTERS) Oopsie!
Hi, Mrs. K.
This is sure weird, huh?
Want it to get weirder?
Uh... (CHUCKLES)
I don't think so.
Good call, Bart.
We can both do better.
(SIGHS) lwish I could
talk to my fourth-grade
self just once.
I'd say, "Work hard,
don't be such a screw up.
"This time is so precious.
Don't waste it."
Bart, maybe
you should listen to this.
Oh, now
I have to start over.
('80S ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
Is that robot
break-dancing?
No. He activated
his self-destruct mechanism.
Love can really be painful.
Tell me about it.
I broke up with Milhouse.
How'd he take it?
Um...
(SCREAMS)
What Lisa's problem?
Milhouse mother say
Milhouse handsome!
(GRUNTS)
(YELLS)
(SIGHS) I guess
everyone in this family
is doomed to wind up alone.
Look, if you want Jenda
to take you back,
you should show
some initiative,
get a job.
A career? No problem.
I speak three languages.
Armpit noises
are not a language.
Oh, Yeah?
Look, my point is,
show Jenda you want
to be successful
and she might
take you back.
It's never
too late for love.
MARGE: Oh, l am so glad
you think so.
Kids, I want you
to know I've started
seeing someone.
He's from Springfield.
I think you know him.
Hey, hey!
Krusty the Clown
is dating your mom!
(GUFFAWING)
(BOTH SCREAM)
When Jenda hears about
my great new career,
she'll definitely
take me back.
You missed a spot!
(SPITS) Do it again!
Yes, Mr. Gheet.
I'm Anoop, you racist cracker!
(GROANS)
Bart, I need you
to make a delivery
to an elderly shut-in.
And to get there,
you must go through
the forbidden zone.
Which one? Radioactive,
smallpox, eternal midnight?
No, no. The one
with the uni-clams.
(ALL SQUEAKING)
(GASPS)
(MUTTERING)
Oh, I get it.
You can't tip me,
because your hands
are tied.
My dad
pulls that scam
all the time.
Don't move, teenage Bart.
I've got you covered
with my phaser/cell phone.
(CHIMING)
Dude, this is totally
not the time to call me.
I don't know.
Some kind of pasta.
Look, just get me
what you're having,
all right?
Ew! Not that.
(GROANS)
What soups do they have...
Oh, blessed urchin.
How can I reward you?
Uh...
With the diamond?
No, sorry.
My diamonds
are going to be
retro-morphed into coal,
the most valuable
substance on Earth.
I know.
I'll send you to Yale
with the Monty
Burns Scholarship.
I can%take
your scholarship.
It's going to my sister.
It would break her heart.
Don't be so quick
to say no.
The ladies love
an Ivy Leaguer.
They do?
Oh, yeah.
Once I home-invaded
this Princeton dude,
and he was, like,
totally married.
(GROANS)
Well, l guess
an intensive four-year
bachelor of arts program
is the easiest way
to get Jenda back.
Hello, Smithers.
Nice of you to drop by
after my life was saved.
Sir, you knew
I was on a date.
Mr. Smithers?
I thought you were,
you know...
Ha-ha. No, I'm straight.
As long as I take
these injections
every 10 minutes.
I love boobies!
It's so great that
Yale has finally
forbidden men
from taking science.
Now let's see,
should I major in
Femistry or Galgebra?
Listen, Lise, I gotta
tell you something.
I'm going to Yale.
What? I don't want to go
to the same college
as you.
Then I've got some
great news! You're not
going to Yale!
(SCREAMS)
(BOTH SCREAM)
(SCREAMS)
Hey, I didn't
do anything. Yet.
You've wrecked my life!
You're gonna
wreck my life!
Hey, Marge,
why are you with Krusty?
These kids
are too old
for clowns.
Actually, Homer,
I'm into your lady.
Hey, man, she's not
my lady anymore.
We split up,
it's all cool. I...
I'll kill you!
(GAGGING)
Once they destroy
each other...
...then we make our move.
Yes, we make our move.
What? A spider got
into the cloning machine.
Attention, everyone.
Please welcome
our Valedictorian,
Lisa Simpson.
She will be
attending Yale.
(WHISPERING)
Listen, I'm not going to Yale
'cause of my brother.
I mean,
Hot Dog on a Stick
Management Camp.
That's odd.
You get into Yale,
and Lisa can't
go anymore?
Hey, what can I say?
I love learning.
Bartholomew Simpson.
What?
Come and get your diploma.
Why don't you
mail it to your butt?
Bart, now that
you've graduated,
I can finally say this.
You really press my cider.
(ALL GASP)
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Yo, Bart,
good to see
you're back
with Jenda.
Hey, Nelson.
What's up with
your girlfriends?
Oh, they each had twins.
Listen, girls,
I'm going out
for a pack
of cigarettes.
Isn't that what
your father said
the day he left you?
Yeah. I never understood
why he did it, till now.
I'm coming, Papa!
Ha-ha!
(SOBBING)
Lisa had no right
to break up with me.
I'm not the first guy
to get a nosebleed
during a slow dance.
I better go talk to him.
Well, don't take
too long.
I think this might
be our special night.
Why did Lisa
dump me?
Is it because
of my small calves?
They're the hardest
place to add mass!
Cheer up, Milhouse.
You got your whole
life ahead of you.
Oh, no!
Hey, I remember
when you were
a nerdy little fourth-grader.
And now
you're an emotionally
crippled mini-Hulk.
What girl
wouldn't want that?
Do you think
Lisa might see that,
now that she's got
nothing else?
I guess so.
Booyah! Time to strike
while the iron is sad!
All right.
Three hours
to blast my quads.
Lisa. Lisa. Lisa.
Bart, what's wrong?
You seem distracted.
Oh, I was just thinking
about Milhouse and Lisa.
Mmm-hmm. What are you
thinking about now?
Hey, that rundown
old house looks familiar.
That's where Doc Frink
used to live.
(SIGHS) I never had
this problem with
Todd Flanders.
This machine lets us
look into the future.
Wouldn't that
be romantic?
I'll tell you
what would
be romantic.
Making love for
the first time.
Totally. Right after
I fiddle with
these dials and levers.
(BEEPING)
(GRUNTS)
You know,
I was thinking
of taking
a poetry class
at the community college.
Forget it.
I had to sell
all my marrow
to pay the light bill.
I didn't have
much marrow.
I can't let
that happen.
I gotta go.
Listen, Bart, if you
leave me now,
I can guarantee
one thing about
your future.
I won't be in it.
Not going to Yale
isn't the end
of the world.
Yeah, I'm starting
to see that.
No, I mean,
you're screwed.
Your only hope
is to clutch at straws!
Straws who've
always loved you.
Really?
Really.
Can I kiss you?
Um, have you eaten
onions lately?
No. And it's really hard
'cause I'm on
an all-onion diet.
Uh... Well, okay.
I guess this is my destiny.
(SCREAMS)
What are you doing?
Keeping Lisa from
destroying her life.
Come on,
let her destroy it.
(GRUNTS)Oh!
Lenny, Carl,
can you pull me out?
Sorry, we're ghosts now.
Our spirits live
in those two trees.
Or maybe we're alive
and we just feel
like jerking you around.
Or maybe
we're one of each.
(BOTH LAUGH)
(SIGHS)
Look, I'm not
taking the scholarship.
You're the one
who deserves
to go to Yale.
Aw! That's so noble.
But what about Jenda?
Hey, I'm waiting
till I find a girl
who likes me for me.
And you will
at the age of 83.
You die
one minute later.
And my brain
is put in a...
Pauper's grave.
Well, Bart,
I really appreciate
what you're
going to do for me.
Mmm.
But what happens
to our parents?
Marge, I thought
you'd never take me back
after what I did to Krusty.
You mean
get beaten up
by him?
Exactly.
And I'll admit,
it is kind of romantic
under the sea.
You don't know the half of it.
(CHUCKLES)
Oh, this sucks.
I want to see
Vice President Cletus.
You want me to attend
the funeral of
the Sultan of Brunei?
Well, I would
consider it my honor.
Hey, Brandine,
pack my evening britches.
We's going to Brunei.
(SHUSHING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
D'oh!
(EXCLAIMING)
(BRAKES SCREECHING)
Hey, Lise,
there's your boyfriend.
(SIGHS)
(LAUGHS)
Oh, yeah? Well,
there's your girlfriend.
(BLABBERING)
Ah?
Yeah, well,
you love Moleman.
No, you do.
You're gay
for Moleman!
You're gay for Moleman!
(BOTH GRUNTING)
No one's gay for Moleman.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Where are we?
You're gay for Moleman!
Bart, Lisa, welcome.
I've been expecting you.
(BOTH GASP)
Your gasps
are appropriate,
because I have perfectly
predicted the future.
How did you know
we were coming?
Because, my dear,
I have mastered
the one true science.
Astrology.
Don't you
mean astronomy?
No, my dear,
I said astrology.
For years, you see,
astrology was
the Tampa Bay Devil Rays
of the sciences.
Not so good.
But with new,
more powerful computers,
astrology can show you
the future.
Would you like
to see yourselves
as teenagers?
No.
Let's go there now.
Feast your eyes on
the wondrous world
of eight years from Tuesday.
Kids, come down
for your prom photo.
Ooh!
Smile.
Oh, it's so great.
We can do anything
now that scientists
have invented magic.
I'm so proud of you.
Lisa graduating
two years early.
And Bart...
Graduating.
What'd I miss?
What'd I miss?
Homer, we're separated now.
You can't just walk in
without knocking.
Well, maybe I was
partying so hard
with my single friends
last night,
I forgot the rules.
Could you
please stop fighting
in front of us?
(EERILY) Why? Is it
messing you up?
Homer, just settle down.
We just got a postcard
from Maggie.
She's really
enjoying Alaska.
(GROANS)
Stupid wildlife.
Serves them right.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Lisa, your date's here.
Hey, Lisa.
Milhouse? Ugh!
I've been turning
him down for the prom
since kindergarten.
Yes. You relented at age 12
when he pulled you
out of a house fire,
which you later
found out he started.
You should have seen
the look on your face.
In fact, here it is.
Now, back to your teens.
Sorry I'm late, Lisa.
I was at the gym,
totally gunning my lats.
Just gunning them.
(GRUNTS)
Oh, man. The deposit
on this tux was
200 Reagans.
Hey, everybody.
Bart, you're looking crooked.
Hey, Jenda, how about
some forehead?
(GRUNTS)
(GROANS)
That was jagged.
Hmm. When I was a kid,
we didn't show our affection
by head-butting.
Oh, Marge.
(GROANS)
Oh, right, separated.
('80S ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
Ach! Who knew that
bio-engineered food
would to lead to smart puke?
(SQUEAKING)
Oh. You think you're better
than me, eh, puke?
So, Nelson,
who did you end up
bringing tonight?
Sherri, or Terri?
Uh, it didn't
seem fair to choose.
BABY 1: Ha-ha!
BABY 2: Ha-ha!
(CLEARS THROAT)
Welcome, seniors
and sexually-precocious
underclassmen.
I'd like to say goodbye
to those who are
going off to college,
or to fight in Gulf War V,
Operation Find Our
President's Head.
ALL; USA! Find the head!
USA! Find the head!
And now,
here's Assistant
Principal Kearney.
Okay, I want
a nice, clean prom.
That means
no booze, kick, puff,
doze, maxx, stim, or turb.
Remember, stim kills.
It's what turned
Superintendent Chalmers
into a vegetable.
Skinner. Skinner. Skinner.
I can use
the potty now.
Mmm.
(PSYCHEDELIC MUSIC PLAYING)
(SNARLING)
(WHIMPERS)
Your brother
is so hot.
Stop telling me that.
Oh, sorry, Lisa.
Sink activate.
I love your dress.
Soap activate.
Bart tells me
you got into Yale.
Sink terminate.
Yeah, even though
McDonald's owns Yale now,
it's still a great school.
And I could never
afford to go there
if I hadn't won
the Montgomery
Burns Scholarship.
Oh, yeah,
that's the thing
he had to do
as punishment for
stealing Christmas.
Yeah. I miss Christmas.
I don't.
(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)
So, any plans
after graduation?
Travel.
Do you need
a traveling companion,
perchance?
Travel canceled.
Whoa! Look out!
Bart, are you sure
about this limo driver
you hired?
I can fly. I can fly.
Just kidding,
I know I can't fly.
I can glide, though.
Whoa!
(BOTH MOANING)
Jenda, I think
we're ready to go
all the way,
but I'm
a little nervous.
Bart, don't be nervous.
Sex on prom
night is as American
as our 51st state,
Saudi lsraelia.
Jenda, that's not
what I meant.
I love you.
Will you marry me?
(GASPS)
That's really sweet,
but marriage is
a three-year commitment.
I mean, do you even know
what you're gonna
do with your life?
I've got it
all figured out.
You can waitress
while I learn to cut meat.
We'll live in a trailer,
but to avoid
paying for parking,
I'll drive
while you sleep.
We'll never,
ever stop.
Bart, I hate
to say this,
but I think
I outgrew you.
When?
Just this minute.
Mmm.
Okay, love birds,
break it up.
Hey, this one's alone.
Ha! What a loser.
(SNIFFS)
Oh! Here, you want
some chicken?
Just grab it with
your hands, go ahead.
We're not fancy here.
I'm tired of this.
I want to look at
a different future.
(BEEPING)
Meh.
So that's how
Jenda dumped me.
Son, sometimes people
just grow apart,
like me and your mom.
No, Mom dumped you
'cause you blew
all our money
on this underwater house.
She'll realize
she was a fool when...
Hey! Come back
with my patio furniture!
Stupid flounders.
Hey, I've got
a great idea.
We'll find some
new lady friends.
Come on, boy,
we're hitting the town.
After decompressing,
of course.
(BEEPING)
(AIR HISSING)
So, what do you do
to kill time in here?
There's a DVD player,
but it doesn't work.
(CLAN KING)
Why'd you buy
the first hover car
ever made?
Didn't you know
it'd take time to
work out the kinks?
Ha-ha!
I know!
It's a hover car!
All right!
You guys are my
new best friends.
You wish, loser! (GRUNTS)
(CLANKING)
(HOMER LAUGHING)
(SCREECHING)
(CLANGING)
Hey, Moe.
Hey, Moe clone.
Oh. Hiya, Homer.
Hi, Homer.
Hey,hey,hey!
I don't pay you
to socialize.
Right. You're
the people person.
Hey, watch it with
the attitude, mister.
You came from
my back fat!
Boy, I think I see
my two favorite letters
of the alphabet,
E-Z.
(CHUCKLES)
(GLASS SHATTERS)
You moron! (SIGHS)
Why did I ever think
I needed a clone?
Hey, I'm not the clone,
you're the clone!
Oh, please, not this again.
(CHUCKLES)
Son, say hello
to Edna.
(GASPS) Dad, that's my
fourth grade teacher!
(STUTTERS) Oopsie!
Hi, Mrs. K.
This is sure weird, huh?
Want it to get weirder?
Uh... (CHUCKLES)
I don't think so.
Good call, Bart.
We can both do better.
(SIGHS) lwish I could
talk to my fourth-grade
self just once.
I'd say, "Work hard,
don't be such a screw up.
"This time is so precious.
Don't waste it."
Bart, maybe
you should listen to this.
Oh, now
I have to start over.
('80S ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
Is that robot
break-dancing?
No. He activated
his self-destruct mechanism.
Love can really be painful.
Tell me about it.
I broke up with Milhouse.
How'd he take it?
Um...
(SCREAMS)
What Lisa's problem?
Milhouse mother say
Milhouse handsome!
(GRUNTS)
(YELLS)
(SIGHS) I guess
everyone in this family
is doomed to wind up alone.
Look, if you want Jenda
to take you back,
you should show
some initiative,
get a job.
A career? No problem.
I speak three languages.
Armpit noises
are not a language.
Oh, Yeah?
Look, my point is,
show Jenda you want
to be successful
and she might
take you back.
It's never
too late for love.
MARGE: Oh, l am so glad
you think so.
Kids, I want you
to know I've started
seeing someone.
He's from Springfield.
I think you know him.
Hey, hey!
Krusty the Clown
is dating your mom!
(GUFFAWING)
(BOTH SCREAM)
When Jenda hears about
my great new career,
she'll definitely
take me back.
You missed a spot!
(SPITS) Do it again!
Yes, Mr. Gheet.
I'm Anoop, you racist cracker!
(GROANS)
Bart, I need you
to make a delivery
to an elderly shut-in.
And to get there,
you must go through
the forbidden zone.
Which one? Radioactive,
smallpox, eternal midnight?
No, no. The one
with the uni-clams.
(ALL SQUEAKING)
(GASPS)
(MUTTERING)
Oh, I get it.
You can't tip me,
because your hands
are tied.
My dad
pulls that scam
all the time.
Don't move, teenage Bart.
I've got you covered
with my phaser/cell phone.
(CHIMING)
Dude, this is totally
not the time to call me.
I don't know.
Some kind of pasta.
Look, just get me
what you're having,
all right?
Ew! Not that.
(GROANS)
What soups do they have...
Oh, blessed urchin.
How can I reward you?
Uh...
With the diamond?
No, sorry.
My diamonds
are going to be
retro-morphed into coal,
the most valuable
substance on Earth.
I know.
I'll send you to Yale
with the Monty
Burns Scholarship.
I can%take
your scholarship.
It's going to my sister.
It would break her heart.
Don't be so quick
to say no.
The ladies love
an Ivy Leaguer.
They do?
Oh, yeah.
Once I home-invaded
this Princeton dude,
and he was, like,
totally married.
(GROANS)
Well, l guess
an intensive four-year
bachelor of arts program
is the easiest way
to get Jenda back.
Hello, Smithers.
Nice of you to drop by
after my life was saved.
Sir, you knew
I was on a date.
Mr. Smithers?
I thought you were,
you know...
Ha-ha. No, I'm straight.
As long as I take
these injections
every 10 minutes.
I love boobies!
It's so great that
Yale has finally
forbidden men
from taking science.
Now let's see,
should I major in
Femistry or Galgebra?
Listen, Lise, I gotta
tell you something.
I'm going to Yale.
What? I don't want to go
to the same college
as you.
Then I've got some
great news! You're not
going to Yale!
(SCREAMS)
(BOTH SCREAM)
(SCREAMS)
Hey, I didn't
do anything. Yet.
You've wrecked my life!
You're gonna
wreck my life!
Hey, Marge,
why are you with Krusty?
These kids
are too old
for clowns.
Actually, Homer,
I'm into your lady.
Hey, man, she's not
my lady anymore.
We split up,
it's all cool. I...
I'll kill you!
(GAGGING)
Once they destroy
each other...
...then we make our move.
Yes, we make our move.
What? A spider got
into the cloning machine.
Attention, everyone.
Please welcome
our Valedictorian,
Lisa Simpson.
She will be
attending Yale.
(WHISPERING)
Listen, I'm not going to Yale
'cause of my brother.
I mean,
Hot Dog on a Stick
Management Camp.
That's odd.
You get into Yale,
and Lisa can't
go anymore?
Hey, what can I say?
I love learning.
Bartholomew Simpson.
What?
Come and get your diploma.
Why don't you
mail it to your butt?
Bart, now that
you've graduated,
I can finally say this.
You really press my cider.
(ALL GASP)
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Yo, Bart,
good to see
you're back
with Jenda.
Hey, Nelson.
What's up with
your girlfriends?
Oh, they each had twins.
Listen, girls,
I'm going out
for a pack
of cigarettes.
Isn't that what
your father said
the day he left you?
Yeah. I never understood
why he did it, till now.
I'm coming, Papa!
Ha-ha!
(SOBBING)
Lisa had no right
to break up with me.
I'm not the first guy
to get a nosebleed
during a slow dance.
I better go talk to him.
Well, don't take
too long.
I think this might
be our special night.
Why did Lisa
dump me?
Is it because
of my small calves?
They're the hardest
place to add mass!
Cheer up, Milhouse.
You got your whole
life ahead of you.
Oh, no!
Hey, I remember
when you were
a nerdy little fourth-grader.
And now
you're an emotionally
crippled mini-Hulk.
What girl
wouldn't want that?
Do you think
Lisa might see that,
now that she's got
nothing else?
I guess so.
Booyah! Time to strike
while the iron is sad!
All right.
Three hours
to blast my quads.
Lisa. Lisa. Lisa.
Bart, what's wrong?
You seem distracted.
Oh, I was just thinking
about Milhouse and Lisa.
Mmm-hmm. What are you
thinking about now?
Hey, that rundown
old house looks familiar.
That's where Doc Frink
used to live.
(SIGHS) I never had
this problem with
Todd Flanders.
This machine lets us
look into the future.
Wouldn't that
be romantic?
I'll tell you
what would
be romantic.
Making love for
the first time.
Totally. Right after
I fiddle with
these dials and levers.
(BEEPING)
(GRUNTS)
You know,
I was thinking
of taking
a poetry class
at the community college.
Forget it.
I had to sell
all my marrow
to pay the light bill.
I didn't have
much marrow.
I can't let
that happen.
I gotta go.
Listen, Bart, if you
leave me now,
I can guarantee
one thing about
your future.
I won't be in it.
Not going to Yale
isn't the end
of the world.
Yeah, I'm starting
to see that.
No, I mean,
you're screwed.
Your only hope
is to clutch at straws!
Straws who've
always loved you.
Really?
Really.
Can I kiss you?
Um, have you eaten
onions lately?
No. And it's really hard
'cause I'm on
an all-onion diet.
Uh... Well, okay.
I guess this is my destiny.
(SCREAMS)
What are you doing?
Keeping Lisa from
destroying her life.
Come on,
let her destroy it.
(GRUNTS)Oh!
Lenny, Carl,
can you pull me out?
Sorry, we're ghosts now.
Our spirits live
in those two trees.
Or maybe we're alive
and we just feel
like jerking you around.
Or maybe
we're one of each.
(BOTH LAUGH)
(SIGHS)
Look, I'm not
taking the scholarship.
You're the one
who deserves
to go to Yale.
Aw! That's so noble.
But what about Jenda?
Hey, I'm waiting
till I find a girl
who likes me for me.
And you will
at the age of 83.
You die
one minute later.
And my brain
is put in a...
Pauper's grave.
Well, Bart,
I really appreciate
what you're
going to do for me.
Mmm.
But what happens
to our parents?
Marge, I thought
you'd never take me back
after what I did to Krusty.
You mean
get beaten up
by him?
Exactly.
And I'll admit,
it is kind of romantic
under the sea.
You don't know the half of it.
(CHUCKLES)
Oh, this sucks.
I want to see
Vice President Cletus.
You want me to attend
the funeral of
the Sultan of Brunei?
Well, I would
consider it my honor.
Hey, Brandine,
pack my evening britches.
We's going to Brunei.
(SHUSHING)