The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 16, Episode 1 - Treehouse of Horror XV - full transcript

In "The Ned Zone," Ned gets the ability to tell people's deaths just by touching someone. In "In the Belly of the Boss," Mr. Burns accidentally swallows Maggie and the Simpsons try to get her out. In "Four Beheadings and a Funeral," Lisa and Bart try to solve the mystery of the mutton-chops murderer.

ANNOUNCER: We now return
to "Keepin' it Kodos,"
starring Kang.

ls dinner ready yet?

Our boss will be here
any minute now.

(GRUNTING)

Ugh!

This one keeps
eating himself.

(MUNCHING)

Hello?
Octopuses, I'm done.

Am I the only one here
who's in horrible pain?

You're the only one
who won't shut up
about it!

What a delicious meal.



I feel like
I'm going to burst.

Cool! I'm vomit!

(LAUGHS)

Well, a fine meal
like that deserves
a hyper-galactic promotion.

Hyper-galactic!
Hyper-galactic!

Wait a minute.
I don't have
a family anymore.

You do now, son.
You do now.

Standing tall
on the wings of my dream

Rise and fall
on the wings of my dream

(HOMER GRUNTING)

(CAT MEWS)
(GRUNTS)

Homer, what are you doing?

Trying to get a Frisbee
off the roof. (GRUNTS)

Ow!



Oh, there's the Frisbee.
(CHUCKLES)

(GROANS)

Concussion-diddily...
Hemorrhage-doodily...

Injury-bodily...

Ned, you nearly died
of a brain tumor.

Thank goodness that
bowling ball knocked it
out of your head!

(CHUCKLES)
Welcome back, dawg.

(SCREAMS)

(GASPS)

My, you look
awfully pale.

Let's get you
some fresh air.

Hey, while you're there,
can you get my Frisbee
off the ledge?

All right. But I swear to God,
this is the very last time.

(GRUNTING)

Oh, man,
is this gonna hurt.

Ah! That's better.
(CHUCKLES)

Ooh!

Come on, Ned.

Just because you foresaw
Dr. Hibbert's death

doesn't mean you can
see into the future.

It was just
a sinister co-inky-dink.

Help me! Some bullies
threw my shoes over
a telephone wire.

With me in them!

Just wriggle loose.
I'll catch you,
little critter.

(EXCLAIMING)

(GASPS)
(SCREAMS)

Oh, another setback.

(GROANING)

What the Family Circus?

A second premonition
came to fruition.

Lord, why have you given me
these unholy visions of doom?

(GASPS)

Well, I didn't
need any special power
to know that was coming.

Hey, Flanders,
have you seen my Frisbee?

Homer, I can foretell
people's deaths!

People's deaths, eh?

(BARKS) (MEWS)

Do me! Do me!

(SIGHS)

(GUN COCKS)
(GRUNTING)

(GASPS)

So, what do I die of?
Too much happiness?

Naked girl avalanche?

Uh, you die eating
a submarine sandwich.

What kind of bread?

Uh, country Parmesan.
Woo-hoo!

Mr. Flanders,
why are you moving?

Because I had
a vision of myself
shooting your father.

In this neighborhood,
who hasn't?

Well, you can't fight fate.

But if you must
shoot our father,

please remember
our family motto...

"Not in the face."

Don't worry, sweetie.
lam not gonna kill
your father.

(LAUGHS) Flanders kill me?

(LAUGHING)

You never killed anybody
and you're gonna start
with the big dog?

(LAUGHS)

Homer, please
don't tempt the gods...

I mean God.
There's one God.
Only one.

Well, sometimes
there's three.

Hey, Chief,
throw me your piece!

Uh, sure thing, citizen.

(GUN COCKS)

Come on!
Shoot me a new one! Ooh.

I'm so scared.
Ned Flanders is
pointing a gun at me!

You couldn't even
shoot me by accident,

even if I whacked
the barrel like this!
Blip-blip-blip.

(LAUGHING)
Blip-blip-blip.

Quit whacking my barrel!

Never! (LAUGHS)

(GRUNTS)
You leave me no choice!

(WHIRRING)

(SIGHS)

I was supposed to shoot you,
but I didn't!

I changed the future!

What have I done?
I've changed the future
for the worse.

Homer, stay away
from the nuclear plant.

Fine. I'll never go back,
starting tomorrow.

Today is Lenny's birthday
and they're having
ice cream cake.

But you're gonna
kill us all!

But ice cream cake!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

I gotta find Homer!
He's gonna blow up
the whole town!

Yeah, well, you know,
you gotta take the bitter
with the sweet.

(MUFFLED) Homer! Homer!

Homer, do not press
the "core destruct button."

...press...destruct button.

Don't do it! Don't do it!
You'll kill everyone!

...do it! ...do it!
...kill everyone!

Sure is taking me
a long time to
reach this button.

Must...

Kill...

Best friend!

(GROANING)

(SIGHS) Homer,
fall backward!

(SIGHS) Whew.

(GRUNTING)

(SIGHS)

Oh, you stupid son of a...

Homer, I'm so mad at you.

I'll bet you blew up the town
just to get out of
cleaning the garage.

(LAUGHING)

Everything's
coming up Homer.

Yeah? Well, the joke's
on you, smart guy.

The garage made it
to heaven, too.

Hmm. I wonder if
I could blow up heaven?

GOD: Homer Simpson,
it's time you got
what's coming to you.

Your Frisbee.

Cool. You guys got
a good buffet up here?

Oh, yeah. Just stay away
from the three-bean salad.

You're not
the boss of me.
D'oh.

Hello, duckie!

(SCREAMS)

You gave me quite a fright,
you did.

Say, you don't need
no fancy knife
to get me attention,

not with those
handsome mutton chops.

Come on, give us a snog.

(GROANS)
That's not a snog!

(SIGHS) Looks like
the Mutton Chop Murderer
has struck again.

What should we do
with the body?

I want you to
dust her for Prince.

What does that mean?

(SIGHS) The Prince is coming
by and I want her clean
when he looks her over.

(IN BRITISH ACCENT)
Perhaps we can be
of assistance, Inspector.

Well, well, well,
look who's here.

Master detective
Eliza Simpson

and her easily amazed
sidekick, Dr. Bartley.
(GASPS)

(IN BRITISH ACCENT)
What's this?
A doorknob. Good show.

So what clues
has the body shown?

(SCOFFS)
We don't need clues.

We've already
caught the killer.

(GASPING) Please...

This mysterious Hindu
is clearly responsible
for the murder.

Lock him up until we find
someone darker, boys.

Please, lam not a killer!

I am but a humble purveyor
of disgusting British food.

Lark tongues,
head pudding,
eel pies.

Eel pie? My favorite.

Mmm. (CHUCKLES)

We British sure eat crap.

(IN COCKNEY ACCENT)
Inspector, might I have
a word with you?

Absolutely.

(GAGGING)

Get back down there, you!

(GRUNTING)

You were saying?
Well, it's like this.

I'm a proper Cockney
flower girl, lam.

And I sees this
real strange bloke.
Uh-huh.

Out of sorts.
Mad in the eyes.

All kettles
and biscuits.
Right.

Well, he seen
I was looking at him...
Mmm-hmm.

...and he drops this
and runs.

Cor, blimey,
skip to me loo.

Good Lord!

I'm afraid this case
is beyond even your
powers, little girl.

I'll take that challenge,
Inspector.

Yeah, well, good luck.

Now, boys,
let's see the suspect in
that child abduction case.

I shall never grow up.

Uh, in jail you Will.

Yes, I recognize this blade.
I sold it as part of a set.

The famed Seven Swords
of Osiris.

Now would you be interested
in an illustrated novelette?

It also includes a young
David Diligent adventure.

Confound it, man!
I need to know who
bought those swords!

Very well.
I will check my records.

You may examine my curios
but do not touch my oddities.

Use your judgment
with my gewgaws.

Well, I'll be blazed!

I know these missionaries!

I just told the natives
they were having sex
the wrong way.

Help! Help! Murther!

Ah!

The Mutton Chop Murderer
is long gone.

But this ledger
will lead us to him.

(GROANS)

This potion will
give me new life.

(GRUNTS)

I'm alive!
I'm gonna go to America!

I'll be in pictures!
You'll see!

The whole world is gonna know
the name Simon Stoolowitz!

It says here
the swords were sold
to C. Ebenezer Burns.

Burns? The evil industrialist
who makes coal out of babies?
(GASPS)

I know just where
to find him!

Ebenezer Burns?
Yeah, he's over here.

How ya doin' there?
Freshen your pipe?

Anybody need
a let me down?

Whoa, whoa,
heads up there, buddy.

Rat's gnawing off your toe.

(EXHALES)

The Sword of Osiris.

I once possessed
the entire collection.

Then I sold them all
for opium.

D'oh, how I wish
I had them back to
sell for more opium!

Who did you
sell the swords to?

The fat man with sideburns.
Like that one over there.

(GASPS)

There's your
Mutton Chop Murderer!

Stop, fiend!

(PANTING)

(GRUNTING)

Opium rules!

Hey, hey!
Read the sign.

Well, well,
what have we here?

Inspector,
you've caught the villain!

But what are you doing
in an opium den?

It's the only way
I can get Ralphie
to go to sleep.

I can make opi-ohs!

Well, Dr. Bartley,
another mystery
well solved.

Yes. With the murderer
behind bars,

London's working girls
are free to follow
their merry calling.

(BOTH GASP)

Yet another
Sword of Osiris!

But that must mean
the murderer is
still at large!

Ah, he could've
killed this one days ago.

The body is bloated
and the face is rotten.

(GRUNTS) It was
five minutes ago,
you twit!

(GROANS)

(SNIFFING)

Hmm.

(PEOPLE CLAMORING)

Please spare me.
I'm not a murderer,
I'm not.

And I've never known
the pleasures of a woman

or a proper eating apple.

Quiet, you.

Ugh! There's cheese
in my eel pie!

This week in our
Summer Hanging Series,

we're pleased to present
the Mutton Chop Murderer.

At last God-fearing
Londoners are free
to walk Whore Alley.

Stay your hand, Inspector.
That man is innocent.

The murderer's blade
is covered with blood.

But the handle is covered
with something else.

The unmistakable fragrance
of eel pie.

Hey, lots of people
like eel pie!

Yeah? Well,
how many of them
have mutton chops?

And why can't you be
more like Eddie?

He never says
a word against me.

Well, that's because
you cut out his tongue.

(MUMBLES)
He's right, Chief.

Inspector Wiggum, you are
the most famous member
of Scotland Yard.

Why would you do this?

Well, the fact is

I wanted to come up
with a case even you
couldn't solve.

And besides...

Solong,
you stupid British twits!

Oh!

You'll never catch me!

I'm traveling
at the speed of wind!

(CHUCKLES)

Remember me for my police
work and not the murders...

Well done.
Their fleet is destroyed.

(SINISTER LAUGHTER)

Daddy, I had
the craziest dream.

Ralphie,
you're still in it.

Wheel

(MUTTERING GIBBERISH)

FEMALE VOICE: I have
a serious brain disease.
Please give me a cat.

(MUMBLES)

This comically large capsule
has lifetime supplies

of niacin, thiamin,
and riboflavin-glavin.

(ALL MURMURING)

(BABBLING)

Prior to ingestion,
the pill must be reduced
by my amazing new shrink ray.

(SCOFFS) Shrink ray?
Oh, there's always
something else to buy.

First, I lower
the capsule top, thusly.

Then I zap the capsule,
thisly.

And now who would like
a lifetime of perfect health?

I'll take it.

No. That's not...
Well, all right.

(GULPS)

That sounds like Maggie.

But she's right here...

(SCREAMS)

Now, now, don't worry,
my dear woman.

She will be rocked
gently to sleep by
the stomach acids.

(SCREAMS)

(COOING)

Hold on, Maggie!
Daddy's coming!

(GRUNTING) Come on.

(GRUNTING)

I got her!

Oh...

No, wait.
This is yours.

(GULPS)

Your daughter has 30 minutes
before the acid dissolves
the capsule.

But we can rescue her

by sending
a miniaturized vessel
through Mr. Burns' body.

Ooh, stop that!
The felt is slicing
through me like a knife!

Bio-nauts assemble!

Captain!
Science Officer!

Security!
Marge!

Now I insist you
take off your shoes
when you get inside.

And while you're in there,

grab as much cancer
as you can.

Let the commencement
beginulate!

(GROANS)

Now, you must enter
the subclavian vein.

Screw you, Doc!
I fly from the gut!

Dad, you should
listen to him.

He's a man of science
and you can barely read.

(SCOFFS) Has science
ever kissed a woman?

Or won the Super Bowl?
Or put a man on the moon?

This is what I think
of your precious science.

(ACCELERATES)
(GRUNTING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

Help me, science!

Your ship is wedged
in Mr. Burns' heart.

And you must dislodge it
from the outside.

But watch out
for retroviruses.

Oh, boy, are they retro.

It's a fun design
by R. Crumb,

who was friends
with Harvey Pekar.

Seriously, though.
Touch one and you're dead.

Why is my swimsuit
so revealing?

Marge, that's what turns
a mediocre voyage
into a fantastic voyage.

(GROWLS)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Maybe this will help.

Where did you
get that rib?

There's a whole rack
of them over there.
I only ate two.

(GRUNTS)

Bart, what are you doing?

Taking a whiz.

Stop that!
We're guests
in Mr. Burns!

To get Maggie in time,
we'll have to catch a ride
on a nerve impulse,

the body's
information
superhighway.

Learning is cool! Yeah!
Woo!

And to make sure
we get there super fast,

I'm hitting
all the buttons
with my palm.

(GRUNTS)
(SIREN BLARING)

(EXPLOSION)

Well, that hurt like hell.

My sweet,
undigested baby!

Mama! Mama!

(ENGINE SPUTTERING)

I'm afraid I have
some bad news, Simpsons.

Uh, with the baby's
extra weight,

you don't have enough power
to make it back.

And one of you must
stay behind to save
the rest. Frink out.

Oh, my God! This is the
worst Halloween horror
we've ever faced!

And white blood cells
are attacking my clothes!

Although I must admit
they know where to stop.

We'll have to
lighten the ship,

which means one of us
has to stay behind.

Bart? Lisa?

Fine. Me.

MARGE: Don't worry!
We'll be fine!

I'm saying goodbye
to everything I ever loved.

Ooh. A marshmallow!

Mmm. Mmm.

Boy, when God closes a door,
he opens a window.

(GIGGLES)

Mom, did you have to fly out
through all those boogers?

Cut me some slack.
I'm a widow.

Now there is still
a slight chance

we could
rescue your husband
before he expands.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Uh, make that zero chance.

Frink out.

Dad, would you like
some of my Snicker bar
cheesecake?

Oh, I feel
full enough as it is.

I say when we're full.

You don't want
to piss off a man

who can kick you
in the crotch
from the inside.

Mmm. Oh!

I need a mouth hole.

Uh, and some
other holes, too.

Cheer up,
my chubby inner child.

I've got a feeling
everything's gonna work
out fine because...

(SINGING) I've got you

Under my skin

HOMER: (SINGING)
I've got you

Deep in the heart of me

FEMALE SINGER:
So deep in my heart

You're really a part of me

I've got you

Under my skin

(CRAZY CAT LADY
EXCLAIMING IN DELIGHT)

Sometimes the world
looks perfect

Nothing to rearrange

Sometimes you just
get a feeling

Like you need
some kind of change

No matter what
the odds are this time

Nothing's going to stand
in my way

This flame in my heart

And a long lost friend
gives every dark street
a light at the end

Standing tall
on the wings of my dream

Rise and fall
on the wings of my dream

(HOMER SCREAMING)