The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Bart the General - full transcript

Do I smell cupcakes?

- Ooh! Do I ever!
-Uh-uh, Homer.

Lisa's making these
for her teacher.

Ah. Say no more.

- Yum! Don't mind if l do.
- Bart!

Oh, man!
Keep your greasy mitts outta there.

- These are for Lisa's class.
- It's Mrs. Hoover's birthday.

- you know, there are names
for people like you.
- No, there aren't.

- Teacher's pet,
apple polisher, butt kisser--
- Bart!

- You're saying "buttkisser"
like it's a bad thing.
- Huh?

Well, you see, boy, it never hurts
to grease the wheels a little.



I'm not greasing the wheels, Dad.
I like my teacher.

Sure, Lis.
You see how it works, Bart?

A cupcake here,
a good grade there.

Dad, I get good grades 'cause I'm smart
and I pay attention and I study hard.

Yeah, right, Lisa.
It's the three roads to success, Bart:

Work, brains and hmm--

Oh, brother.

- Uh-oh, school bus. Gotta go.

Heh-heh-heh.
Doh!

- Yo, Ottoman!
- Yo, Bart dude!

Hey, can you
believe it, man?

My sister here made a whole pile
up cupcakes to butter up her teacher,

and she won't give anybody else
even one measly little crumb.

That's bad news, man.



Here, Otto.
I made an extra one for you.

- Oh, thanks, little lady.
- You're welcome.

Whoa!

- Better let me hold these, Lis.
- Forget it.

- you sniveling toad!
you little egg sucker!
- Tell me more.

Back-scratcher. Foot-licker.
Honor student!

You'll never get one now,
Mr. Name-caller.

All right, all right.
Look, I'm sorry. I-I got upset.

In the heat of the moment,
I said some things I didn't mean.

- you weren't thinking, were you?
-No.

-I'm not a sniveling toad, am I?
-Not really.

I'm not a little
egg sucker, am I?

- Of course not.
- Then what am I?

- A beautiful human being.
- What do you like best about me?

Well, I'd have to say...

your generous nature,
your spirit of giving.

Well--

Open your mouth and close your eyes,
and you will get a big surprise.

Ahh!

Thanks, Lis.
You're the best.

- Look, Janey. Cupcakes.
- Ah, give me that!

Hey, give those back!

- Hey, what's the big idea? That's my sister, man.
- So what?

So give her back those cupcakes
before I knock your block off.

Don't, Bart!
He's a friend of Nelson Muntz!

Ooh!

Ooh!

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!

Wha--

Nelson,
you're bleeding.

Nah, happens all the time.
Somebody else's blood splatters on me.

Hey, wait a minute.

You're right.
You made me bleed my own blood!

It was an accident, man. A terrible,
ghastly mistake. Ask anybody.

Uh-oh.
A cold wind.

Hello, kids.
Everything above the board here?

Good. Play friendly,
children.

- Uh-oh, there's your bell.

Come along, now, all of you.
No dawdling, now.

- I'll get you after school, man.
- But--

No, no, no.
He'll get you after school, son.

- Now hurry up. It's time for class.
- But--

Scoot, young Simpson.
There's learning afoot.

Okay, Nelson,
put up your dukes!

Whaa!

Yikes!
Uh-uh-uh!

Ha, ha, ha!

- Ha, ha, ha!
- Oh.

Aah!

- Uh-oh. Stop!
- Mmm!

Lunchtime!
Ha, ha, ha!

- Lunchtime!
- Aah!

Lunchtime, Bart.
It's lunchtime.

I ain't gonna get out
of the fourth grade alive.

You've gotta tell
Principal Skinner, Bart.

I can't squeal.

It would violate the
code of the schoolyard.

Hey, everybody!

Here comes my brother,
Bart the bully-killer!

- Yeah!
- You're our hero, Bart!

Look, everybody. I would just as soon
not make a big deal out of this.

I'm not sayin'
I'm not a hero.

I'm just saying that
I fear for my safety.

Look out!

Nelson, it was
all a mistake.

This is how it
happened, man.

Listen up.
You may get a kick out of it.

My sister was making cupcakes
this morning and--

I'll see you
at the flagpole at 3:15.

And you better
be prompt.

He has four other beatings
scheduled this afternoon.

Good-bye,
little dude.

- He looks so lifelike, man.
- Yes.

The school nurse did
a wonderful job...

reconstructing his little face
after the fight.

Good-bye, son.
I guess you were right.

All that homework
was a waste of your time.

Thanks, Bart.
We got the day off from school for this.

- Yeah, and I got
the day off from work.
- Homer!

Who wants a day off from work when I'm
never gonna see my beloved son again?

Oh, Bart!
Oh, Bart!

That's better,
Homer.

Be brave.
Bye-bye, Bart.

You were always my special little guy.

Bart, here's that
cupcake you wanted.

I can't help but think if l had just
given it to you in the first place,

this whole horrible tragedy
could have been avoided.

I know you can't
eat it now,

so I'll just place it
lovingly on your forehead.

Hey, look.
They got food at this thing.

Here's one for the road, dude.

- Aah!
- Put 'em up.

Oh! Boy, you sure
taught me a lesson.

Whoo.
Thanks, guys.

I guess now all that's left
is a hearty handshake.

Right, guys?

I'm gonna get you again
tomorrow, Simpson.

Is 3:15 good for you?

Uh, not really.

Too bad.

Oh, no.

Oh, man,
that guy's tough to love.

Hi, Mom.
Hi, Dad.

- Tough day at school, boy?
- Bart, what happened to you?

Let's just say I paid the inevitable
price for helping out my sister.

So, you had a little
scuffle, eh? Heh-heh.

Hope you won.

I'm gonna miss you,
big guy.

Bart, your mother
has the fool idea...

that you're upset
about something.

Dad, I need help.
Please. Oh.

Now come on, Bart.

We don't want your mother
to see you crying.

- Here.
- Oh, man.

Let me help you
dy those tears.

So what's
the problem, son?

- I had a run-in with a bully.
- A bully?

Come on, Marge! I don't bug
you when you're helping Lisa.

Well, Bart, I hope you're going
straight to the principal about this.

I guess
I could do that.

What? And violate the code of
the schoolyard? I'd rather Bart died.

What on earth are you
talking about, Homer?

The code of the
schoolyard, Marge.

The rules that teach a boy to be a man.
Let's see.

Don't tattle. Always make fun
of those different from you.

Never say anything...

unless you're sure everyone feels
exactly the same way you do.

- What else?
- Homer, that's ridiculous.

Bart, instead of fighting, why don't you
try a little understanding?

- What do you mean, Mom?
- Yeah, right.

- This oughta be good for a laugh.
- Shh!

This bully friend of yours,
is he a little on the chunky side?

- Yeah, he's pretty chunkified,
all right.
- Mm-hmm.

And I'll bet he doesn't do well
in his studies, either.

No, he's pretty dumb. He's in all
the same special classes I am.

- That's why he lashes out at the world.
- Oh, Marge.

So tomorrow, instead of bickering
with this boy, talk to him.

You'll be surprised how far
a little understanding will go.

Well, thank you very much,
Mrs. Maharishi Gandhi.

Let's go, boy.

Now here's that bully of yours.
Show me your stuff.

No, no! Not like that!
Like this!

See that, boy?

You didn't expect that, did you?
And neither will he.

You mean I should
fight dirty, Dad?

Unfortunately, son,
we Simpsons...

sometimes have to bend the rules
a little in order to hold our own.

Amen.

So the next time this bully thinks
you're gonna throw a punch,

you throw a glob
of mud in his eyes!

And then you sock him when
he's staggerin' around blinded!

- Yeah!
- And there's nothing wrong...

with hitting someone
when his back is turned.

- Gotcha.
- And if you get the chance,

get him right
in the family jewels.

That little doozy's been
a Simpson trademark for generations.

Thanks, Pop.

- Whoa!
- Put 'em up!

Ha!
Ooh!

Remember
the family jewels, son.

Hmm?

Oh, no, boys.
Not the can, please.

Doh!

Bart, you can't
go on like this.

I know.

- Why don't you go see Grandpa?
- What can he do?

He'll give you good advice.
He's the toughest Simpson alive.

- He is?
- Yeah.

Remember the fight he put up
when we put him in the home?

Remember the fight he put up
when we put him in the home?

I'm here
to see Grandpa.

Half the people here
are named Grandpa.

Well, Grandpa Simpson then.

Second floor, third
dank room on the left.

Thanks, lady.

" Dear Advertisers,"

I am disgusted with the way
old people are depicted on television.

We are not all vibrant,
fun-loving sex maniacs.

Many of us are bitter,
resentful individuals...

who remember
the good old days...

when entertainment
was bland and inoffensive.

The following
is a list of words...

I never want to hear
on television again.

Number one: bra.

Number two: horny.

"Number three:
Family jewels."

- Hi, Grandpa!
- Bart, what brings you here?

I need some advice,
Grandpa.

See, there's this bully at school
who keeps beating me up.

Let me tell you
somethin', boy.

If you don't
stand up for yourself,

bullies are gonna be pickin' on you
for the rest of your life.

Simpson, give me
your newspaper!

- Why should I?
- I wanna do the crossword puzzle.

No, I want to do
the crossword puzzle!

- I said, give me that puzzle.
- No.

- Give me! Give me!
- No! No!

Heh-heh-heh.

Well, I guess I can't help you,
but I know someone who can.

- Here?
- Yep, this is it.

What's the password?

- Let me in, you idiot!
- Yeah, right you are.

So, Herman, has the
large-type edition...

of this month's Soldier Of Fortune
come in yet?

No, not yet.

- Can I interest you in
some authentic Nazi underpants?
- No!

Actually, we came over because
I want you to meet my grandson, Bart.

Ah. Hello,
young American.

Hello, sir.
Uh, Mr. Herman?

Yes?

Did you lose your arm
in the war?

My arm? Well,
let me put it this way.

Next time your teacher tells you
to keep your arm inside
the bus window, you do it!

Yes, sir,
I will.

Bart's got a problem with
a local young bully named Nelson.

I thought you could help him
with some kind of strategy.

Strategy. Hmm.
How many men do you have?

- None.
- You'll need more.

And you'll need to train them hard!
Now, let's see.

Ah. Okay.

The key to Springfield
has always been Elm Street.

The Greeks knew it. The Carthaginians
knew it. Now you know it.

First you'll need
a declaration of war.

Uh, ah! That way, everything
you do will be nice and legal.

Okay, I can use this one
from the Franco-Prussian War.

I'll just change "Otto von Bismarck"
to read " Bart Simpson."

Psst!

- Grandpa, I think this
guy's a little nuts.
- Oh, yeah?

Well, General George S. Patton
was a little nuts.

And this guy is completely
out of his mind.

We can't fail!

Psst!
Pass it on!

So, Mister,
what are we doin' here anyway?

I wonder
where Bart is.

Yeah. It's way past
1500 hours.

Okay, we all know
why we're here, right?

- No. Why?
- To fight Nelson the bully.

That guy has been tormenting all of us
for years, and I for one am sick of it.

I can't promise you victory.
I can't promise you good times.

But the one thing I do know--
Whoa, whoa!

All right! Okay! I promise you
victory! I promise you good times!

I got a " B"
in arithmetic

I got a " B"
in arithmetic

Would've got an "A"
but I was sick

Would've got an "A"
but I was sick

Aah!

We are rubber
you are glue

We are rubber
you are glue

It bounces off of us
and sticks to you

It bounces off of us
and sticks to you

- Sound off
- One, two

- Sound off
- Three, four

Go!

Go!

- What's the matter with you, soldier?
- It's my nerves, sir.

I just can't stand
the barking anymore.

Your nerves?
I won't have cowards in my army.

- Ow!
- Sorry, Bart.

You can push them
out of a plane,

you can march them
off a cliff,

you can send 'em off to die
on some godforsaken rock,

but for some reason,
you can't slap 'em.

Now apologize to
that boy right now.

- Sorry, man.
- It's cool.

In English class
I did the best

In English class
I did the best

Because I cheated
on the test

Because I cheated
on the test

- Sound off
- One, two

- I can't hear you!
- Three, four

All right, there's your enemy.
Now hit him!

Hit him!

Let's go, next group.
Martinez! Steinberg!

O'Hara! Chang!
Olajuwon! Herman!

Die! Die!

We are happy
We are merry

We are happy
We are merry

We got a rhyming
dictionary

We got a rhyming
dictionary

- Sound off
- One, two

- One more time!
- Three, four

Bring it
on home now!

One, two, three, four
One, two, three, four

Nelson's at
the Elm Street Video Arcade.

Intelligence indicates he shakes down
kids for quarters at the arcade.

Then he heads to the Quick-E-Mart
for a cherry Squishy.

Then that's where
we'll hit him.

When he leaves the Quick-E-Mart,
we start the saturation bombing.

- We got the water balloons?
- Two hundred rounds, sir.

Is it okay if they say
" Happy Birthday" on the side?

Well, I'd rather they say " Death
From Above," but I guess we're stuck.

Okay, our main force will
be split into two groups.

One will circle around this way
to cut off the enemy's retreat,

the other will drive in this way,
closing the trap.

- It's a classic pincers movement.
It can't fail against a ten-year-old.
- Heh-heh!

- Nelson's at the arcade, General.
- Battle stations.

- I feel so alive!
- you know,

I thought
I was too old.

I thought
my time had passed.

I thought I'd never hear
the screams of pain...

or see the look of terror
in a young man's eyes.

Thank heaven
for children.

Hey, good Squishies.

- What flavor did you get?
- Blue.

Hey, you two birds!

You're gonna be suckin' all
your meals through straws if
you don't shut your traps.

Well, looky here.

Little Bart Simpson.

Nelson, I'm afraid I'm gonna
have to teach you a lesson.

Ha! Oh, yeah?
You and what army?

This one.

Artillery,

commence
saturation bombing!

Hey!

All right, you kids!
Keep it down!

Am I making myself--

Heh-heh-heh!
Got him!

You, up in the tree.
The tall gray-haired kid.

Get your butt down here
right now! Doh!

No! Please!

- Don't hurt us!
- Oh, we surrender.

W-W-We were only
followin' orders!

Eww!
Knock it off!

I guess you learned your lesson,
so now I'll untie you.

The second you untie me,
I'm gonna beat you to death, man.

Well, if that's gonna be your attitude,
I'm not gonna untie you.

Ha! You're gonna
have to sometime.

Uh-oh.
He's right.

Don't you worry.
I was ready for this little eventuality.

Armistice treaty,
article four.

" Nelson is never again to raise
his fists in anger." Article five.

" Nelson recognizes Bart's right
to exist." Article six.

"Although Nelson shall have
no official power,

he shall remain a figurehead
of menace in the neighborhood."

Wow. Sounds good to me.
Okay, I'll sign.

- What about you, boy?
- All right, I'll sign.

- Are you boys through playing war?
- Yes, Mrs. Simpson.

- Good. Then here's some cupcakes.
- Oh, boy!

- Cupcakes.
- Mmm!

Ladies and gentlemen,
boys and girls,

contrary to what
you've just seen,

war is neither
glamorous nor fun.

There are no winners.
Only losers.

There are no good wars,
with the following exceptions:

The American Revolution, World War I,
and the Star Wars trilogy.

If you'd like to learn more
about war, there's lots of books
in your local library--

many of them with
cool, goy pictures.

Well, good night, everybody.
Peace, man.