The Sex Lives of College Girls (2021–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - Episode #2.1 - full transcript
♪ I live to survive
another heartache ♪
♪ I live to survive
another mistake ♪
[sobs]
Look, I know it wasn't
the best Thanksgiving,
but Nico is going to be fine.
Yeah, he's my baby boy.
He's 21, Dad.
Yeah, but he's sensitive.
He's not tough and brawny
like you.
- Brawny?
- Look, don't worry about me
or this family.
You go have fun, study hard,
find a boyfriend...
Be young.
Okay. I love you.
Are you sure
you're good to drive?
I don't know, we'll see.
I think so.
Goodbye, pumpkin.
♪ Another mistake ♪
♪ Another heartache ♪
Here, hold your bag.
- I'm fine, Carol.
- All right.
Oh, my God, Whitney, hi!
- How was your Thanksgiving?
- Really good.
Wait, did you guys
drive here from Arizona?
Isn't that a long trip?
Yeah, it's 39 hours,
and it felt like a lot more.
Yup, it ended up costing
$1,500 in gas and hotels.
And we got in a couple
really bad arguments.
Ah, wouldn't change a thing.
- Hi!
- Hey.
- Oh, my goodness.
- How's your family?
- Uh, good. We adopted a dog.
- Ooh.
My mom thought it would help
her approval ratings.
It did not.
She returned it.
- Oh.
- She is an amazing woman.
I always defend her
to my buddies.
- Dad!
- Well, honey,
we should head out.
I gotta work in the morning.
- In Arizona?
- Yeah.
We're gonna try not to stop.
- Bye, sweetie.
- Okay, bye.
- We love you.
- Drive safe.
- Love you.
- I love you, pinochle.
♪ Watch me,
I'm back on my feet ♪
After that long drive,
I just really wanna relax.
Yeah.
- Whitney!
- Kimberly!
I missed you bitches.
Come here!
- Hey.
- Hey, Bela.
Uh, sorry,
where are your clothes?
- Oh!
- Got in about 15 minutes ago,
got comfortable,
made myself some snacks.
My parents were, like,
obsessed with me
- wearing clothes at home.
- Oh, totally.
Would you mind
putting a towel down
before you sit on the sofa?
- Why?
- Because of your butt.
Oh.
- Leighton, hey!
- Welcome back!
- Hey!
- Hi, all.
I have an announcement.
Why are you in your underwear?
For comfort.
Okay, well, Nico got expelled.
- What?
- Oh, my God.
- Are you serious?
- Yeah.
When Kimberly turned
in the stolen test files,
the administration started
an investigation,
and a bunch of senior Thetas
got kicked out.
- The seniors?
- But they were the hottest ones.
What's Nico gonna do?
Well, thankfully,
my dad was able to make
a big donation to Cornell and
got him a spot next semester.
And they got him an Audi
to try and cheer him up.
Mm-kay, this story
is getting less sympathetic.
- I'm so sorry.
- Your brother was gorgeous,
and I'm gonna miss seeing his
face and body around campus.
Thank you.
Are you wearing my underwear?
- Just the bra... oh!
- Bottoms too.
[laughs]
♪ We got one night only ♪
♪ Put your money
where your mouth is ♪
♪ And I'ma show you
how I bounce ♪
♪ If I burst, son,
I might hurt some ♪
- Kimberly.
- Yeah?
Did you tell your parents
about losing your scholarship?
Oh, I couldn't find the right
time to mention it to them.
What do you mean? You were
in the car for 39 hours.
Yeah, don't you need,
like, a lot of money?
Oh, just $42,000 per year...
$138,000 total.
- Seriously?
- That's, like, four cars,
or, like,
five of Leighton's purses.
Dude, I think you need
to tell your parents.
- I can't.
- It would kill them.
I need to figure out
a solution on my own.
[gasps] Solution's right here.
Ask one of these
two moneybags for it.
- Their parents are loaded.
- Uh...
I mean, don't look at me.
Leighton's family's
way richer than mine is.
We're politician rich.
Well, most of my family's
wealth is tied up
in real estate and, um,
several racehorses.
Oh, you guys don't need
to make your rich
families sound poor.
I would never ask
either of you for money.
I got myself into this,
and I'll get myself out.
- Wait, I've got it.
- If you need extra money,
you should sell feet pics
on the dark web.
[gasps] That's certainly
- an interesting idea.
- Kimberly, no.
Just go to the financial aid
office and apply for a loan.
- No! My plan is better.
- You've got long toes,
and there's
a real market for that.
- Stop!
- Bela!
- What?
- Don't shame me
for my good ideas.
♪ Whoo! ♪
[upbeat music]
Guys, what are we always
saying this campus needs?
- Better Wi-Fi?
- A decent place
to get my eyebrows tinted?
A memorial to Native peoples.
[scoffs] No.
An all-female comedy magazine.
- Both: Hm.
- I'm starting one
with some friends.
We're toppling the patriarchy
one top-ten list at a time.
Are magazines, like,
a thing anymore?
Well, ours would mostly be
an Instagram presence,
a sassy Twitter account,
and a website
that we haven't bought
the domain for yet.
- It's gonna be huge.
- That's so cool.
- Yeah.
- Bela, I have to say,
so far, I support this.
- Yeah.
- All: Ah!
- What the fuck?
- Oh, my God, are you okay?
Did somebody just hit me
with a milk carton?
- Oh, man.
- You just got nailed.
Yeah, that was so fucked up.
- Yeah, I know.
- That must have been
really surprising.
Um, yeah, it was.
So even though
you didn't do anything wrong,
something bad
still happened to you?
Why are you talking like that?
Yeah, it sounds like
the beginning of a parable.
'Cause we're in fucking Theta,
and you guys got
our charter suspended.
Wait, is that
what this is about,
the stupid test thing?
Yeah, you narced on us,
you narcs.
That stunt you pulled fucked us.
We can't throw parties anymore.
So you threw
a fucking milk at me?
- This sweater cost $800!
- What?
You dickheads were
the ones cheating.
We were just the whistleblowers.
Yeah, and I didn't even do it.
All right? It was her.
I am kind of responsible
for that.
I know. I meant to hit you,
but my aim was off.
It doesn't matter.
From now on,
none of you are ever
setting foot in Theta again.
- Uh!
- He took my clementine.
[electronic music]
I'm so sorry
that happened to you.
- Eh, I'm used to it.
- My mom and I have gotten
blood thrown on us
outside multiple operas.
Guys, I can't believe we
can't party at Theta anymore.
Who cares about Theta?
They can't even
throw parties anymore.
We'll just find a new frat
to hang with.
Oh, my God.
- What?
- Look.
♪ Drive all night
to find out ♪
♪ What you can't see ♪
♪ Cities lighting up
the midnight sky ♪
Girls, remember not
to congregate in the hallways.
It is a fire hazard.
These old buildings
are tinder boxes, so...
- Thanks, Frude.
- See you at the FAF meeting.
♪ ♪
Welcome back, my Fresh-Them.
I hope you enjoyed
American Thanksgiving,
and I'm relieved
so few of you transferred.
I do have exciting news.
We have a new
student joining us,
and he is climate refugee.
- [gasps]
- Wow, I think it's great
that we're taking in
a displaced person.
Yeah, are they
from a developing nation?
No, he's from Kansas.
Ah, here he is now.
Everyone,
please give a warm welcome
to our climate refugee, Jackson.
- Hello.
- Wait,
you're the climate refugee?
- You're white.
- Bela.
- What the hell?
- Sweetheart, um,
tell us what happened to you,
and if you're straight
and single.
[sighs] I really don't
know how else to say it.
My college dorm was blown away
by a Category 4 tornado.
- [all gasp]
- Shit.
- Wow.
- Wait, what?
- That's terrible.
- But Frude,
I think the term
"refugee" implies
more of an international
displacement.
Uh, Kimberly,
do not offend my new friend.
He's been through enough.
I think climate change is real.
- Yeah, are you serious?
- I didn't say it wasn't.
And speaking of climate change,
tomorrow's forecast
calls for snow,
which brings with it Essex's
oldest non-racist tradition,
The Annual Snow Run.
- [all cheer]
- Oh, my God!
Is that where we run
in the snow in our underwear?
That is correct.
Should we pregame
or wait till we get there?
Oh, we should absolutely
pregame.
The booze in our dorm
is way better.
Reminder, underage drinking
is illegal and not fun.
But what is fun
is our next juicy topic...
Avoiding seasonal depression.
[all groan]
♪ ♪
Hey, Kimberly.
Hey, did you buy me a column
of gay pride balloons?
Oh, my God. I did.
I'm so sorry.
I assumed you told Whitney
and Bela over break,
but then you didn't,
and I couldn't cancel them.
Did anyone else see them?
Have I outed you?
Am I bad ally?
No, you're fine.
I'm just disturbed
that you think I am
the kind of gay person
who would like that.
Got it. When you come out
to Whitney and Bela,
I'll get you a classier
balloon tower.
My ideal coming-out
does not involve balloons.
No balloons at all, please.
Are you gonna tell
Bela and Whitney?
At some point, probably,
but not right now.
Well, I'm here for you.
Okay, I gotta go
to the financial aid office
to ask for a loan.
Wish me luck.
Wait, wearing your Sips uniform?
Yeah, I want them
to know I have a job.
It's pretty smart, right?
Kimberly, banks only
give money to people
who look like
they already have money.
Let me help you.
♪ You're cold as ice ♪
["Ceci N'est Pas un Cliché"
by Charlotte Adigéry]
♪ I wanna make you
feel real nice ♪
♪ ♪
♪ I wanna make you feel ♪
- Kimberly Finkle?
- Here.
♪ ♪
I'm so psyched
for the off-season.
I got hit with a soccer ball
so many times,
- I think my titties got CTE.
- [chuckles]
So what are we gonna do
with all our free time?
I'm thinking sleeping till 3:00
and then drinking
till the other 3:00.
- Mm, that's a no for me.
- My schedule's packed.
- Already?
- How?
Off-season is when
we do all the stuff
we can't do during soccer.
I'm running
for student government.
Have you seen those losers?
I'm gon' clean up.
Why would you wanna do that?
Pad that grad school résumé,
babe.
- Yeah, I've got basketball.
- I'm a two-season athlete.
But you were just joking
about sleeping
and drinking all day, right?
[laughing] Yes, duh, totally.
I've got so much going on.
Let's go.
[electronic music]
♪ ♪
Well, Ms. Finkle,
I think we're gonna be able
to get you this loan.
- Oh, my God, really?
- That's such a relief.
- I'm happy to help.
- Do you, uh, have any questions?
- No.
- Actually, yes.
When does the loan start
accruing interest,
and is it fixed or variable?
Great questions.
Let me just get you
this pamphlet.
Oh, wow.
Everyone in here looks so happy.
Kimberly, they're print models.
I've seen that girl
in a NuvaRing ad.
Can you at least walk us
through the payback structure?
Uh, well, with a loan your size,
you'd be paying about $900
a month for the next 30 years.
But with autopay,
it's like you don't even know
the money's leaving
your account.
You're gonna be paying this
back until you're, like, 50.
Oh, the payoff age is
actually late-60s on average.
- Oh.
- I don't have any other options.
I'd like to go ahead
with the loan.
Wonderful,
let's get you that shmoney.
I'm just gonna go grab
the paperwork
for your parents to cosign.
No!
I mean, what if
that's not an option?
I'm sorry, but a cosigner
is kind of a non-negotiable.
Oh, then I don't think
I can do this.
Thanks for your time.
[electronic music]
Welcome, funny ladies of Essex.
We're so happy
you're interested in joining
our school's first ever,
female-only comedy magazine.
[applause]
I know what you're thinking.
Will it be hard to do this
without a bunch of guys
who steal all their ideas
from Conan and "SNL"?
No, it will not.
[laughter]
If you're in this room,
it means you're part
of the movement...
Except for that guy,
who's doing homework, I think.
We're still working on finding
a permanent meeting space.
We're so excited
to read your submissions.
- Mm-hmm.
- In a few short days,
some of you lucky ladies
will be joining us
in writing our groundbreaking
first edition
as one of our new found
comedy sisters.
[cheers and applause]
Holy shit,
these girls are unfunny turds.
In a good way?
How would that be in a good way?
Bela, you're overreacting.
- Some are... fine.
- Have you read these?
This girl wrote a poem
about celiac disease,
and this girl wrote
a phrase called "OBGY-LOL."
- What does that even mean?
- So they have a lot to learn.
- We'll teach them.
- I really need this to work.
I wanna write with writers
that are funny,
like you and Jo.
- And me.
- Sure.
Look, none of us thought
we were gonna find
a bunch of amazing and
hilarious people right away.
Just be patient, okay?
Okay.
♪ Never gonna be the same ♪
Sorry about your loan, Kimberly.
If it makes you feel any better,
my new comedy magazine's
a disaster.
- Really?
- Why?
Because they all stink.
I'm worried "The Catullan"
was onto something
not letting women
join until 1994.
- Mmm.
- Look, I don't know anything
- about comedy...
- So true.
So, so true.
But maybe, before
you throw this all away,
you should talk to someone
who's done it before.
That does seem like good advice.
Ooh, well,
I have some cool news.
I'm gonna be
on the water polo team.
- Really?
- What?
I didn't know you played
water polo.
- Oh, I don't... yet.
- But it seems easy.
Based off a video I watched,
I think it's just pool soccer
with hands.
- [gasps]
- And then we can hang out
with the water polo guys.
You know,
maybe things are looking up.
Ow, my boob!
[chuckles]
What the fuck?
- Sorry.
- Not really, though.
♪ I don't need no drugs
at the disco ♪
Now it's trash, you trash.
Put your clothes on.
♪ On the dance floor ♪
- Aw, fuck.
- I gotta ice my boob.
[person moaning]
Wait, what is that?
[people moaning]
Did you guys hear that?
- [moaning gets louder]
- Oh, my God.
Sex noises!
Wait,
that's the climate refugee.
That's his room.
- [chuckles]
- Wonder who she is.
Well, whoever she is, she's
having the time of her life.
- [laughs]
- They are being so loud.
It's literal noise pollution.
I'm gonna knock.
- Don't you dare!
- Oh, ow, ow.
Just let me record
a little first.
[moaning continues]
[laid back music]
[knocking]
- Bela?
- It's 8:15 in the morning.
- Why are you here?
- It's urgent.
How did you find my apartment?
It was a very conscious choice
to not tell you where it was.
Look, my new magazine
is a disaster.
All the applicants suck,
which is why I've decided
to immediately give up
and accept my old spot
on "The Catullan."
Bela's back.
You're welcome.
Um, no. [Chuckles]
I don't think anyone's gonna
be excited to work with a girl
who left and stole all
of our good writers.
- They left willingly.
- "The Catullan" sucked.
You just said you wanted
to come back to it.
- Fine then.
- Will you join my magazine?
What can I say that will
help you leave my apartment?
What do I do?
[sighs] Um, okay,
so you're building
a team, right?
So you gotta look at this
as your LeBron moment.
This is your chance to put
together a super comedy lineup.
Right?
Like, LeBron didn't just wait
for people
to come join the team.
He went out, and he found
Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh.
Uh-huh, got it.
Can you put that
in not sports terms?
Just find a bunch
of funny people.
Cool.
[upbeat vocal music]
♪ ♪
- [blows whistle]
- Good morning, ladies.
Welcome to water polo tryouts.
We're gonna do a scrimmage so
I can assess your skill level.
This seems fun.
You ever played
water polo before?
Yup, I played competitively
for eight years.
Yeah, I just started,
but I'm pretty sure
it's gonna be my life now too.
Ooh, also, real quick,
what are the rules?
- [blows whistle]
- Up, up, up, up! Let's go!
Come on, ladies!
Get in the water!
Here we go, yes!
[blows whistle]
[upbeat music]
All right, let's go. Pass it!
How are you guys not using
your arms to swim right now?
- [blows whistle]
- Come on, you got this!
- Whoo!
- Which team am I on again?
- Let's go!
- Quickly!
[grunts]
Me, I got it!
I'm open...
[grunting]
- Mm.
- [blows whistle]
Transition! High!
[grunting]
- Oy.
- I'm open! I'm ope...
[whistle blows distantly]
You got knocked out,
but I gave you mouth-to-mouth.
Thanks.
I think I get the rules now.
Should I jump back in?
No.
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
- So how'd it go with the loan?
- Honestly, not great.
They said they need my parents
to cosign my loan,
and I can't tell them
what happened.
- So what are you gonna do?
- Ooh, I have an idea.
My cousin got a bunch of money
when she was hit by a city bus.
- Do that.
- Actually, I found
a super high-paying second job
I can do from my dorm room.
I'm typing up
the closed captioning
for a reality show called
"Sex Paradise: Australia."
- That's a job?
- It sure is.
All I have to do
is watch an episode,
listen very closely, and
type up what they're saying...
And the noises they make
in the Pleasure Hut...
- For 20 freakin' bucks an hour.
- That's disgusting.
How many episodes
are they paying you for?
It's 300 episodes a season.
So if I can
find time to transcribe
for at least 50 hours a week,
on top of my school work
and my Sips job, my finances
will be totally taken care of.
That's too much.
You should just tell
your mom what happened
and have her cosign a loan.
No, I'm gonna go with my thing.
Okay.
♪ ♪
I don't have
any other interests.
Okay, what would you say
is my thing, besides soccer?
That you're cool.
- Mm-hmm.
- And you're pretty.
And you can kind of sing
karaoke, but not really.
[laughing] Seriously, Canaan.
I don't get what's going on.
I guess I'm feeling... lost.
Okay, well, what do you wanna
do with your life?
- I don't know.
- What about you?
Well, I actually have
a very detailed ten-year plan
that will hopefully lead me
into starting my own hedge fund
that focuses
on impact investing.
So I'll basically
be helping people
while getting very, very rich.
That's exactly
what I'm talking about.
I feel like I'm the only
person in college
who doesn't have their whole
life already figured out.
It kind of sucks.
Well, I know
you're gonna figure it out,
because you're smart, and
whatever you put your mind to,
you're gonna kill it.
- Thank you.
- Unless it's water polo.
I knew you were gonna do that.
♪ ♪
Oh, my God, you guys.
Okay, there is
so much snow already.
Are we sure this is safe?
Like, do people get
boob frostbite?
I don't think so, but it's
definitely worth a Google.
Okay, so the snow run ends
at Frat Row,
where all the frats will be
hosting big parties,
and since Theta's out,
I did some comprehensive
Instagram stalking
to figure out
the next best option,
and it is definitely Omega Pi.
Their guys are
for sure the hottest
- if anyone wants to check.
- Is that why
- my printer is out of ink?
- It's 2022.
Why do you even have a printer?
This is on you.
As I was saying,
Omega Pi's hosting
a huge Winter Under land party.
It is gonna be lit,
and we're all going.
Not me. I have to stay home
and do some closed captioning.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah.
I think this is gonna be
my new normal for a while.
- All right.
- We gotta go, ladies.
- Okay, okay, wait, wait, wait.
- Can I just say
that all three of us look
so fucking hot right now
and that this is gonna be one
of the best days of our lives!
[all scream]
- Ah!
- Oh, my God!
- Aah!
- Ah, my... ow, ow!
- Ah!
- Bela, Bela, stop, stop.
- Get up! Get up!
- Ow, ow, ow.
- [thick Australian accent]
- Jessica has just made
the bloody agonizing decision
to dump Braxton,
and now she deals
with the consequences.
[incoherently] You know,
it's, like, a game, right?
But it's also, like,
finding love, you know?
What the fuck is she saying?
To dump Braxton,
and now she deals
with the consequences.
[incoherently] You know,
it's, like, a game, right?
But it's also, like,
finding love, you know?
[people moaning]
[moaning continues]
God damn it.
[shouts]
Can you please keep it down?
[moaning continues]
Shut up!
Assholes!
[moaning continues]
[all cheering]
- Everyone, drink up!
- We run in two minutes!
[all cheering]
[laughs] My eyeballs are cold.
- Yeah.
- Uh, same.
- Hey!
- Oh!
- You're here!
- Kimberly!
What... I thought you had to work.
I don't think I can do that job.
Drunk Australian people
are so hard to understand,
especially with our neighbor
having sex so loud.
Well, you don't have to fix
all your problems tonight,
but there is one thing
you do have to do.
- Exactly.
- Take off that coat.
Let me see those granny panties.
- Ah!
- Ah.
- Oh!
- God damn,
underneath all those unstylish
clothes, you're, like, hot.
- [laughs]
- Oh, hell yeah,
congrats
on the underwear glow-up, girl.
Everybody ready to run?
[all cheer]
Three, two, one,
strip and go!
[all clamoring]
♪ Let's get to it and work ♪
♪ 'Cause I hope you work well
under pressure ♪
♪ And you better work ♪
- Move, bitch!
- I'm fast!
- [grunts]
- Ah!
♪ 'Cause I hope you work
well under pressure ♪
♪ ♪
[upbeat music playing]
Whoa.
- [laughs]
- Ow!
- [laughs] Hey.
- Yeah.
- Fuck Theta.
- Omega Pi is where it's at.
[indistinct chatter]
♪ ♪
I have never seen this many hot,
shirtless men in one place.
- I know.
- I'm taking screen shots
but with my brain for later.
Same, except I also took
a couple pictures on my phone.
Oh, see that pack
of cis daddies right there?
I can see every single
one of their dick shapes.
Homie on the right got
a big ol' toddler arm
in his boxer briefs.
- Lila?
- Hmm?
Would you ever be interested
in writing a listicle
about dick shapes
for my comedy magazine?
Well, I don't know
what the fuck a listicle is,
but hell yes, bitch,
let's do it.
[laughs]
♪ ♪
Hey, I'm Sara.
- Hey, I'm Kimberly.
- This is Leighton.
- Cool.
- You wanna dance?
Um, I'm actually just dancing
with my friend right now.
Okay.
I was actually gonna go
to the bathroom,
so I'm gonna go do that.
So, uh, you want a shot?
From the smell of it, I'd say
it's shockingly bad tequila.
Mm, horrible.
Yeah, I'm down.
No, let me do it for you.
Open your mouth.
- Um, actually, I'm good.
- I'm good.
Um, sorry,
but I only drink top shelf.
- [chuckles]
- All right.
[clears throat] Thanks.
♪ I'm ready to go,
so tell me, are ya, are ya? ♪
- Are my boobs poppin' out?
- No, you're good.
I'm trying to make on-purpose
nip slips my signature move.
Ooh.
Oh, that fucking
climate refugee is here.
- Holy shit.
- Look at him holding that beer.
Dude has Marvel arms.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, now I kind of get
why that girl was being so loud.
- Hi. It's Jackson, right?
- Yeah.
- Well, I'm Kimberly.
- My room is right next to yours.
- Cool.
- It's actually not cool,
because you've been
at Essex for, like, three days,
and you're already having
the loudest,
most performative sex
in the world.
For your information, some
of the people at this school
have some really
important work to do,
and that's hard when you're,
you know, grunting
your head off going like...
[mockingly grunting]
On the other side of some very,
very, thin drywall, okay?
- You done?
- Yeah, I think so.
Well, just so you know,
it actually kind of sucks
sharing a wall with you too.
What the hell ass TV show
have you been watching
so loudly?
It's called
"Sex Paradise: Australia."
I didn't know you could hear it.
Oh, I can.
Let me see your phone.
I've already hit
my data cap for the month,
so don't go on YouTube.
- Here.
- Now you have my number.
Just shoot me a text
if anything on my side
of the wall gets too loud.
- Yeah!
- Ah, yes, bitch!
♪ ♪
I don't know, man.
Thing is, she really doesn't
have anything besides soccer,
so I didn't really know
what to say, you know?
Boom! Let's go.
That's mine.
That's all me.
Run it back, run it back.
♪ ♪
Hey. You good?
Yeah. Course I am.
- [burps]
- both: Ooh!
- Ah.
- I just threw up in a trophy.
[shouts]
Who wants another shot?
Hey, whoa, whoa, you are
way too wasted to be here.
- I think I gotta take you home.
- [retches]
- No, no, no...
- [gags]
- I'm gonna text you later.
- Uh-huh.
- Say goodbye, champ.
- It's time to go.
- Time to go.
- Ugh, it tastes like
someone puked in my mouth!
Did you guys have fun tonight?
- Yeah, we did!
- Thanks for asking!
Great,
because it'll be the last
party you'll ever go to.
- Dude, what is your problem?
- Seriously.
Who died and made you
king of all the frats?
You're a Theta.
These are the girls
I was telling you about,
the ones who narced on us.
You're a liability, bro.
- A liability?
- More like like-ability.
We're a damn pleasure
to have around.
Isn't that right?
Both: Mm-hmm.
Y'all need to get the fuck out.
[tense music]
- Oh, my God.
- We're gonna die.
- I'm getting nipple frostbite.
- Fuck.
[laid back music]
♪ ♪
Barring the fact that we got
banned from frats last night,
I still think we had
a really fun time.
Kimberly got
climate refugee's phone number.
For emergencies.
What about you, Leighton,
did you chat up any hotties?
Fine. You're too classy
to kiss and tell.
I get it.
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
Uh, actually, there is something
that I've been meaning
to tell you guys.
♪ ♪
I'm gay.
Wow, Leighton, that's awesome.
- Should we hug?
- I feel like we should hug.
- Uh, no, we don't...
- We don't need to hug.
- Oh, Leighton, that's so cool.
- And I-I'm so shocked.
I mean, I had no idea.
I guess it's like
my gaydar is way off
or something.
Kimberly already knew,
didn't she?
Uh-huh.
- [laughter]
- Mm.
She's been a really good
friend about it, though.
She even tried to get me alone
with a girl at the party
last night.
Oh, my God, the girl
I saw you talking to.
She was so hot.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
Yeah, but then... then I, like,
freaked out and got weird,
and she's probably not
interested anymore, so...
- No way.
- If you DM'd her right now,
I promise you
it would be back on.
Slide into her DM.
- Yeah, message her.
- Now, do it.
Both: [chanting]
Slide in, slide in.
- All right, fine.
- Fine, I'll do it.
[laughs]
♪ ♪
[message sent tone]
♪ ♪
I said, "Hi."
[all cheer]
Yes!
♪ We were ♪
♪ Cosmical beings ♪
[knocking]
How are you in here?
I literally had them change
the buzzer code.
I waited for someone to exit.
[sighs]
I just wanted to say thank you
for your advice.
I found another
super funny writer
who I think is gonna be great,
so it really helped.
You came here at 7:45
just for that?
Yeah, just that.
["I'm So Tired" by Desert a]
♪ ♪
♪ Giving up
my western trouble ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Right now ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Tell me not
to be so subtle ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Always want you to be near ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Guess you'll know
why I'm so tired ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Too tired to be cool ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Guess you'll know
why I'm so tired ♪
♪ ♪
♪ I want you, I want you ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Never thought
I'd miss the struggle ♪
♪ ♪
♪ I don't ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Giving all the kids
some trouble ♪
♪ ♪
♪ I just want you to be here ♪
♪ ♪
Go to bed.
another heartache ♪
♪ I live to survive
another mistake ♪
[sobs]
Look, I know it wasn't
the best Thanksgiving,
but Nico is going to be fine.
Yeah, he's my baby boy.
He's 21, Dad.
Yeah, but he's sensitive.
He's not tough and brawny
like you.
- Brawny?
- Look, don't worry about me
or this family.
You go have fun, study hard,
find a boyfriend...
Be young.
Okay. I love you.
Are you sure
you're good to drive?
I don't know, we'll see.
I think so.
Goodbye, pumpkin.
♪ Another mistake ♪
♪ Another heartache ♪
Here, hold your bag.
- I'm fine, Carol.
- All right.
Oh, my God, Whitney, hi!
- How was your Thanksgiving?
- Really good.
Wait, did you guys
drive here from Arizona?
Isn't that a long trip?
Yeah, it's 39 hours,
and it felt like a lot more.
Yup, it ended up costing
$1,500 in gas and hotels.
And we got in a couple
really bad arguments.
Ah, wouldn't change a thing.
- Hi!
- Hey.
- Oh, my goodness.
- How's your family?
- Uh, good. We adopted a dog.
- Ooh.
My mom thought it would help
her approval ratings.
It did not.
She returned it.
- Oh.
- She is an amazing woman.
I always defend her
to my buddies.
- Dad!
- Well, honey,
we should head out.
I gotta work in the morning.
- In Arizona?
- Yeah.
We're gonna try not to stop.
- Bye, sweetie.
- Okay, bye.
- We love you.
- Drive safe.
- Love you.
- I love you, pinochle.
♪ Watch me,
I'm back on my feet ♪
After that long drive,
I just really wanna relax.
Yeah.
- Whitney!
- Kimberly!
I missed you bitches.
Come here!
- Hey.
- Hey, Bela.
Uh, sorry,
where are your clothes?
- Oh!
- Got in about 15 minutes ago,
got comfortable,
made myself some snacks.
My parents were, like,
obsessed with me
- wearing clothes at home.
- Oh, totally.
Would you mind
putting a towel down
before you sit on the sofa?
- Why?
- Because of your butt.
Oh.
- Leighton, hey!
- Welcome back!
- Hey!
- Hi, all.
I have an announcement.
Why are you in your underwear?
For comfort.
Okay, well, Nico got expelled.
- What?
- Oh, my God.
- Are you serious?
- Yeah.
When Kimberly turned
in the stolen test files,
the administration started
an investigation,
and a bunch of senior Thetas
got kicked out.
- The seniors?
- But they were the hottest ones.
What's Nico gonna do?
Well, thankfully,
my dad was able to make
a big donation to Cornell and
got him a spot next semester.
And they got him an Audi
to try and cheer him up.
Mm-kay, this story
is getting less sympathetic.
- I'm so sorry.
- Your brother was gorgeous,
and I'm gonna miss seeing his
face and body around campus.
Thank you.
Are you wearing my underwear?
- Just the bra... oh!
- Bottoms too.
[laughs]
♪ We got one night only ♪
♪ Put your money
where your mouth is ♪
♪ And I'ma show you
how I bounce ♪
♪ If I burst, son,
I might hurt some ♪
- Kimberly.
- Yeah?
Did you tell your parents
about losing your scholarship?
Oh, I couldn't find the right
time to mention it to them.
What do you mean? You were
in the car for 39 hours.
Yeah, don't you need,
like, a lot of money?
Oh, just $42,000 per year...
$138,000 total.
- Seriously?
- That's, like, four cars,
or, like,
five of Leighton's purses.
Dude, I think you need
to tell your parents.
- I can't.
- It would kill them.
I need to figure out
a solution on my own.
[gasps] Solution's right here.
Ask one of these
two moneybags for it.
- Their parents are loaded.
- Uh...
I mean, don't look at me.
Leighton's family's
way richer than mine is.
We're politician rich.
Well, most of my family's
wealth is tied up
in real estate and, um,
several racehorses.
Oh, you guys don't need
to make your rich
families sound poor.
I would never ask
either of you for money.
I got myself into this,
and I'll get myself out.
- Wait, I've got it.
- If you need extra money,
you should sell feet pics
on the dark web.
[gasps] That's certainly
- an interesting idea.
- Kimberly, no.
Just go to the financial aid
office and apply for a loan.
- No! My plan is better.
- You've got long toes,
and there's
a real market for that.
- Stop!
- Bela!
- What?
- Don't shame me
for my good ideas.
♪ Whoo! ♪
[upbeat music]
Guys, what are we always
saying this campus needs?
- Better Wi-Fi?
- A decent place
to get my eyebrows tinted?
A memorial to Native peoples.
[scoffs] No.
An all-female comedy magazine.
- Both: Hm.
- I'm starting one
with some friends.
We're toppling the patriarchy
one top-ten list at a time.
Are magazines, like,
a thing anymore?
Well, ours would mostly be
an Instagram presence,
a sassy Twitter account,
and a website
that we haven't bought
the domain for yet.
- It's gonna be huge.
- That's so cool.
- Yeah.
- Bela, I have to say,
so far, I support this.
- Yeah.
- All: Ah!
- What the fuck?
- Oh, my God, are you okay?
Did somebody just hit me
with a milk carton?
- Oh, man.
- You just got nailed.
Yeah, that was so fucked up.
- Yeah, I know.
- That must have been
really surprising.
Um, yeah, it was.
So even though
you didn't do anything wrong,
something bad
still happened to you?
Why are you talking like that?
Yeah, it sounds like
the beginning of a parable.
'Cause we're in fucking Theta,
and you guys got
our charter suspended.
Wait, is that
what this is about,
the stupid test thing?
Yeah, you narced on us,
you narcs.
That stunt you pulled fucked us.
We can't throw parties anymore.
So you threw
a fucking milk at me?
- This sweater cost $800!
- What?
You dickheads were
the ones cheating.
We were just the whistleblowers.
Yeah, and I didn't even do it.
All right? It was her.
I am kind of responsible
for that.
I know. I meant to hit you,
but my aim was off.
It doesn't matter.
From now on,
none of you are ever
setting foot in Theta again.
- Uh!
- He took my clementine.
[electronic music]
I'm so sorry
that happened to you.
- Eh, I'm used to it.
- My mom and I have gotten
blood thrown on us
outside multiple operas.
Guys, I can't believe we
can't party at Theta anymore.
Who cares about Theta?
They can't even
throw parties anymore.
We'll just find a new frat
to hang with.
Oh, my God.
- What?
- Look.
♪ Drive all night
to find out ♪
♪ What you can't see ♪
♪ Cities lighting up
the midnight sky ♪
Girls, remember not
to congregate in the hallways.
It is a fire hazard.
These old buildings
are tinder boxes, so...
- Thanks, Frude.
- See you at the FAF meeting.
♪ ♪
Welcome back, my Fresh-Them.
I hope you enjoyed
American Thanksgiving,
and I'm relieved
so few of you transferred.
I do have exciting news.
We have a new
student joining us,
and he is climate refugee.
- [gasps]
- Wow, I think it's great
that we're taking in
a displaced person.
Yeah, are they
from a developing nation?
No, he's from Kansas.
Ah, here he is now.
Everyone,
please give a warm welcome
to our climate refugee, Jackson.
- Hello.
- Wait,
you're the climate refugee?
- You're white.
- Bela.
- What the hell?
- Sweetheart, um,
tell us what happened to you,
and if you're straight
and single.
[sighs] I really don't
know how else to say it.
My college dorm was blown away
by a Category 4 tornado.
- [all gasp]
- Shit.
- Wow.
- Wait, what?
- That's terrible.
- But Frude,
I think the term
"refugee" implies
more of an international
displacement.
Uh, Kimberly,
do not offend my new friend.
He's been through enough.
I think climate change is real.
- Yeah, are you serious?
- I didn't say it wasn't.
And speaking of climate change,
tomorrow's forecast
calls for snow,
which brings with it Essex's
oldest non-racist tradition,
The Annual Snow Run.
- [all cheer]
- Oh, my God!
Is that where we run
in the snow in our underwear?
That is correct.
Should we pregame
or wait till we get there?
Oh, we should absolutely
pregame.
The booze in our dorm
is way better.
Reminder, underage drinking
is illegal and not fun.
But what is fun
is our next juicy topic...
Avoiding seasonal depression.
[all groan]
♪ ♪
Hey, Kimberly.
Hey, did you buy me a column
of gay pride balloons?
Oh, my God. I did.
I'm so sorry.
I assumed you told Whitney
and Bela over break,
but then you didn't,
and I couldn't cancel them.
Did anyone else see them?
Have I outed you?
Am I bad ally?
No, you're fine.
I'm just disturbed
that you think I am
the kind of gay person
who would like that.
Got it. When you come out
to Whitney and Bela,
I'll get you a classier
balloon tower.
My ideal coming-out
does not involve balloons.
No balloons at all, please.
Are you gonna tell
Bela and Whitney?
At some point, probably,
but not right now.
Well, I'm here for you.
Okay, I gotta go
to the financial aid office
to ask for a loan.
Wish me luck.
Wait, wearing your Sips uniform?
Yeah, I want them
to know I have a job.
It's pretty smart, right?
Kimberly, banks only
give money to people
who look like
they already have money.
Let me help you.
♪ You're cold as ice ♪
["Ceci N'est Pas un Cliché"
by Charlotte Adigéry]
♪ I wanna make you
feel real nice ♪
♪ ♪
♪ I wanna make you feel ♪
- Kimberly Finkle?
- Here.
♪ ♪
I'm so psyched
for the off-season.
I got hit with a soccer ball
so many times,
- I think my titties got CTE.
- [chuckles]
So what are we gonna do
with all our free time?
I'm thinking sleeping till 3:00
and then drinking
till the other 3:00.
- Mm, that's a no for me.
- My schedule's packed.
- Already?
- How?
Off-season is when
we do all the stuff
we can't do during soccer.
I'm running
for student government.
Have you seen those losers?
I'm gon' clean up.
Why would you wanna do that?
Pad that grad school résumé,
babe.
- Yeah, I've got basketball.
- I'm a two-season athlete.
But you were just joking
about sleeping
and drinking all day, right?
[laughing] Yes, duh, totally.
I've got so much going on.
Let's go.
[electronic music]
♪ ♪
Well, Ms. Finkle,
I think we're gonna be able
to get you this loan.
- Oh, my God, really?
- That's such a relief.
- I'm happy to help.
- Do you, uh, have any questions?
- No.
- Actually, yes.
When does the loan start
accruing interest,
and is it fixed or variable?
Great questions.
Let me just get you
this pamphlet.
Oh, wow.
Everyone in here looks so happy.
Kimberly, they're print models.
I've seen that girl
in a NuvaRing ad.
Can you at least walk us
through the payback structure?
Uh, well, with a loan your size,
you'd be paying about $900
a month for the next 30 years.
But with autopay,
it's like you don't even know
the money's leaving
your account.
You're gonna be paying this
back until you're, like, 50.
Oh, the payoff age is
actually late-60s on average.
- Oh.
- I don't have any other options.
I'd like to go ahead
with the loan.
Wonderful,
let's get you that shmoney.
I'm just gonna go grab
the paperwork
for your parents to cosign.
No!
I mean, what if
that's not an option?
I'm sorry, but a cosigner
is kind of a non-negotiable.
Oh, then I don't think
I can do this.
Thanks for your time.
[electronic music]
Welcome, funny ladies of Essex.
We're so happy
you're interested in joining
our school's first ever,
female-only comedy magazine.
[applause]
I know what you're thinking.
Will it be hard to do this
without a bunch of guys
who steal all their ideas
from Conan and "SNL"?
No, it will not.
[laughter]
If you're in this room,
it means you're part
of the movement...
Except for that guy,
who's doing homework, I think.
We're still working on finding
a permanent meeting space.
We're so excited
to read your submissions.
- Mm-hmm.
- In a few short days,
some of you lucky ladies
will be joining us
in writing our groundbreaking
first edition
as one of our new found
comedy sisters.
[cheers and applause]
Holy shit,
these girls are unfunny turds.
In a good way?
How would that be in a good way?
Bela, you're overreacting.
- Some are... fine.
- Have you read these?
This girl wrote a poem
about celiac disease,
and this girl wrote
a phrase called "OBGY-LOL."
- What does that even mean?
- So they have a lot to learn.
- We'll teach them.
- I really need this to work.
I wanna write with writers
that are funny,
like you and Jo.
- And me.
- Sure.
Look, none of us thought
we were gonna find
a bunch of amazing and
hilarious people right away.
Just be patient, okay?
Okay.
♪ Never gonna be the same ♪
Sorry about your loan, Kimberly.
If it makes you feel any better,
my new comedy magazine's
a disaster.
- Really?
- Why?
Because they all stink.
I'm worried "The Catullan"
was onto something
not letting women
join until 1994.
- Mmm.
- Look, I don't know anything
- about comedy...
- So true.
So, so true.
But maybe, before
you throw this all away,
you should talk to someone
who's done it before.
That does seem like good advice.
Ooh, well,
I have some cool news.
I'm gonna be
on the water polo team.
- Really?
- What?
I didn't know you played
water polo.
- Oh, I don't... yet.
- But it seems easy.
Based off a video I watched,
I think it's just pool soccer
with hands.
- [gasps]
- And then we can hang out
with the water polo guys.
You know,
maybe things are looking up.
Ow, my boob!
[chuckles]
What the fuck?
- Sorry.
- Not really, though.
♪ I don't need no drugs
at the disco ♪
Now it's trash, you trash.
Put your clothes on.
♪ On the dance floor ♪
- Aw, fuck.
- I gotta ice my boob.
[person moaning]
Wait, what is that?
[people moaning]
Did you guys hear that?
- [moaning gets louder]
- Oh, my God.
Sex noises!
Wait,
that's the climate refugee.
That's his room.
- [chuckles]
- Wonder who she is.
Well, whoever she is, she's
having the time of her life.
- [laughs]
- They are being so loud.
It's literal noise pollution.
I'm gonna knock.
- Don't you dare!
- Oh, ow, ow.
Just let me record
a little first.
[moaning continues]
[laid back music]
[knocking]
- Bela?
- It's 8:15 in the morning.
- Why are you here?
- It's urgent.
How did you find my apartment?
It was a very conscious choice
to not tell you where it was.
Look, my new magazine
is a disaster.
All the applicants suck,
which is why I've decided
to immediately give up
and accept my old spot
on "The Catullan."
Bela's back.
You're welcome.
Um, no. [Chuckles]
I don't think anyone's gonna
be excited to work with a girl
who left and stole all
of our good writers.
- They left willingly.
- "The Catullan" sucked.
You just said you wanted
to come back to it.
- Fine then.
- Will you join my magazine?
What can I say that will
help you leave my apartment?
What do I do?
[sighs] Um, okay,
so you're building
a team, right?
So you gotta look at this
as your LeBron moment.
This is your chance to put
together a super comedy lineup.
Right?
Like, LeBron didn't just wait
for people
to come join the team.
He went out, and he found
Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh.
Uh-huh, got it.
Can you put that
in not sports terms?
Just find a bunch
of funny people.
Cool.
[upbeat vocal music]
♪ ♪
- [blows whistle]
- Good morning, ladies.
Welcome to water polo tryouts.
We're gonna do a scrimmage so
I can assess your skill level.
This seems fun.
You ever played
water polo before?
Yup, I played competitively
for eight years.
Yeah, I just started,
but I'm pretty sure
it's gonna be my life now too.
Ooh, also, real quick,
what are the rules?
- [blows whistle]
- Up, up, up, up! Let's go!
Come on, ladies!
Get in the water!
Here we go, yes!
[blows whistle]
[upbeat music]
All right, let's go. Pass it!
How are you guys not using
your arms to swim right now?
- [blows whistle]
- Come on, you got this!
- Whoo!
- Which team am I on again?
- Let's go!
- Quickly!
[grunts]
Me, I got it!
I'm open...
[grunting]
- Mm.
- [blows whistle]
Transition! High!
[grunting]
- Oy.
- I'm open! I'm ope...
[whistle blows distantly]
You got knocked out,
but I gave you mouth-to-mouth.
Thanks.
I think I get the rules now.
Should I jump back in?
No.
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
- So how'd it go with the loan?
- Honestly, not great.
They said they need my parents
to cosign my loan,
and I can't tell them
what happened.
- So what are you gonna do?
- Ooh, I have an idea.
My cousin got a bunch of money
when she was hit by a city bus.
- Do that.
- Actually, I found
a super high-paying second job
I can do from my dorm room.
I'm typing up
the closed captioning
for a reality show called
"Sex Paradise: Australia."
- That's a job?
- It sure is.
All I have to do
is watch an episode,
listen very closely, and
type up what they're saying...
And the noises they make
in the Pleasure Hut...
- For 20 freakin' bucks an hour.
- That's disgusting.
How many episodes
are they paying you for?
It's 300 episodes a season.
So if I can
find time to transcribe
for at least 50 hours a week,
on top of my school work
and my Sips job, my finances
will be totally taken care of.
That's too much.
You should just tell
your mom what happened
and have her cosign a loan.
No, I'm gonna go with my thing.
Okay.
♪ ♪
I don't have
any other interests.
Okay, what would you say
is my thing, besides soccer?
That you're cool.
- Mm-hmm.
- And you're pretty.
And you can kind of sing
karaoke, but not really.
[laughing] Seriously, Canaan.
I don't get what's going on.
I guess I'm feeling... lost.
Okay, well, what do you wanna
do with your life?
- I don't know.
- What about you?
Well, I actually have
a very detailed ten-year plan
that will hopefully lead me
into starting my own hedge fund
that focuses
on impact investing.
So I'll basically
be helping people
while getting very, very rich.
That's exactly
what I'm talking about.
I feel like I'm the only
person in college
who doesn't have their whole
life already figured out.
It kind of sucks.
Well, I know
you're gonna figure it out,
because you're smart, and
whatever you put your mind to,
you're gonna kill it.
- Thank you.
- Unless it's water polo.
I knew you were gonna do that.
♪ ♪
Oh, my God, you guys.
Okay, there is
so much snow already.
Are we sure this is safe?
Like, do people get
boob frostbite?
I don't think so, but it's
definitely worth a Google.
Okay, so the snow run ends
at Frat Row,
where all the frats will be
hosting big parties,
and since Theta's out,
I did some comprehensive
Instagram stalking
to figure out
the next best option,
and it is definitely Omega Pi.
Their guys are
for sure the hottest
- if anyone wants to check.
- Is that why
- my printer is out of ink?
- It's 2022.
Why do you even have a printer?
This is on you.
As I was saying,
Omega Pi's hosting
a huge Winter Under land party.
It is gonna be lit,
and we're all going.
Not me. I have to stay home
and do some closed captioning.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah.
I think this is gonna be
my new normal for a while.
- All right.
- We gotta go, ladies.
- Okay, okay, wait, wait, wait.
- Can I just say
that all three of us look
so fucking hot right now
and that this is gonna be one
of the best days of our lives!
[all scream]
- Ah!
- Oh, my God!
- Aah!
- Ah, my... ow, ow!
- Ah!
- Bela, Bela, stop, stop.
- Get up! Get up!
- Ow, ow, ow.
- [thick Australian accent]
- Jessica has just made
the bloody agonizing decision
to dump Braxton,
and now she deals
with the consequences.
[incoherently] You know,
it's, like, a game, right?
But it's also, like,
finding love, you know?
What the fuck is she saying?
To dump Braxton,
and now she deals
with the consequences.
[incoherently] You know,
it's, like, a game, right?
But it's also, like,
finding love, you know?
[people moaning]
[moaning continues]
God damn it.
[shouts]
Can you please keep it down?
[moaning continues]
Shut up!
Assholes!
[moaning continues]
[all cheering]
- Everyone, drink up!
- We run in two minutes!
[all cheering]
[laughs] My eyeballs are cold.
- Yeah.
- Uh, same.
- Hey!
- Oh!
- You're here!
- Kimberly!
What... I thought you had to work.
I don't think I can do that job.
Drunk Australian people
are so hard to understand,
especially with our neighbor
having sex so loud.
Well, you don't have to fix
all your problems tonight,
but there is one thing
you do have to do.
- Exactly.
- Take off that coat.
Let me see those granny panties.
- Ah!
- Ah.
- Oh!
- God damn,
underneath all those unstylish
clothes, you're, like, hot.
- [laughs]
- Oh, hell yeah,
congrats
on the underwear glow-up, girl.
Everybody ready to run?
[all cheer]
Three, two, one,
strip and go!
[all clamoring]
♪ Let's get to it and work ♪
♪ 'Cause I hope you work well
under pressure ♪
♪ And you better work ♪
- Move, bitch!
- I'm fast!
- [grunts]
- Ah!
♪ 'Cause I hope you work
well under pressure ♪
♪ ♪
[upbeat music playing]
Whoa.
- [laughs]
- Ow!
- [laughs] Hey.
- Yeah.
- Fuck Theta.
- Omega Pi is where it's at.
[indistinct chatter]
♪ ♪
I have never seen this many hot,
shirtless men in one place.
- I know.
- I'm taking screen shots
but with my brain for later.
Same, except I also took
a couple pictures on my phone.
Oh, see that pack
of cis daddies right there?
I can see every single
one of their dick shapes.
Homie on the right got
a big ol' toddler arm
in his boxer briefs.
- Lila?
- Hmm?
Would you ever be interested
in writing a listicle
about dick shapes
for my comedy magazine?
Well, I don't know
what the fuck a listicle is,
but hell yes, bitch,
let's do it.
[laughs]
♪ ♪
Hey, I'm Sara.
- Hey, I'm Kimberly.
- This is Leighton.
- Cool.
- You wanna dance?
Um, I'm actually just dancing
with my friend right now.
Okay.
I was actually gonna go
to the bathroom,
so I'm gonna go do that.
So, uh, you want a shot?
From the smell of it, I'd say
it's shockingly bad tequila.
Mm, horrible.
Yeah, I'm down.
No, let me do it for you.
Open your mouth.
- Um, actually, I'm good.
- I'm good.
Um, sorry,
but I only drink top shelf.
- [chuckles]
- All right.
[clears throat] Thanks.
♪ I'm ready to go,
so tell me, are ya, are ya? ♪
- Are my boobs poppin' out?
- No, you're good.
I'm trying to make on-purpose
nip slips my signature move.
Ooh.
Oh, that fucking
climate refugee is here.
- Holy shit.
- Look at him holding that beer.
Dude has Marvel arms.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, now I kind of get
why that girl was being so loud.
- Hi. It's Jackson, right?
- Yeah.
- Well, I'm Kimberly.
- My room is right next to yours.
- Cool.
- It's actually not cool,
because you've been
at Essex for, like, three days,
and you're already having
the loudest,
most performative sex
in the world.
For your information, some
of the people at this school
have some really
important work to do,
and that's hard when you're,
you know, grunting
your head off going like...
[mockingly grunting]
On the other side of some very,
very, thin drywall, okay?
- You done?
- Yeah, I think so.
Well, just so you know,
it actually kind of sucks
sharing a wall with you too.
What the hell ass TV show
have you been watching
so loudly?
It's called
"Sex Paradise: Australia."
I didn't know you could hear it.
Oh, I can.
Let me see your phone.
I've already hit
my data cap for the month,
so don't go on YouTube.
- Here.
- Now you have my number.
Just shoot me a text
if anything on my side
of the wall gets too loud.
- Yeah!
- Ah, yes, bitch!
♪ ♪
I don't know, man.
Thing is, she really doesn't
have anything besides soccer,
so I didn't really know
what to say, you know?
Boom! Let's go.
That's mine.
That's all me.
Run it back, run it back.
♪ ♪
Hey. You good?
Yeah. Course I am.
- [burps]
- both: Ooh!
- Ah.
- I just threw up in a trophy.
[shouts]
Who wants another shot?
Hey, whoa, whoa, you are
way too wasted to be here.
- I think I gotta take you home.
- [retches]
- No, no, no...
- [gags]
- I'm gonna text you later.
- Uh-huh.
- Say goodbye, champ.
- It's time to go.
- Time to go.
- Ugh, it tastes like
someone puked in my mouth!
Did you guys have fun tonight?
- Yeah, we did!
- Thanks for asking!
Great,
because it'll be the last
party you'll ever go to.
- Dude, what is your problem?
- Seriously.
Who died and made you
king of all the frats?
You're a Theta.
These are the girls
I was telling you about,
the ones who narced on us.
You're a liability, bro.
- A liability?
- More like like-ability.
We're a damn pleasure
to have around.
Isn't that right?
Both: Mm-hmm.
Y'all need to get the fuck out.
[tense music]
- Oh, my God.
- We're gonna die.
- I'm getting nipple frostbite.
- Fuck.
[laid back music]
♪ ♪
Barring the fact that we got
banned from frats last night,
I still think we had
a really fun time.
Kimberly got
climate refugee's phone number.
For emergencies.
What about you, Leighton,
did you chat up any hotties?
Fine. You're too classy
to kiss and tell.
I get it.
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
Uh, actually, there is something
that I've been meaning
to tell you guys.
♪ ♪
I'm gay.
Wow, Leighton, that's awesome.
- Should we hug?
- I feel like we should hug.
- Uh, no, we don't...
- We don't need to hug.
- Oh, Leighton, that's so cool.
- And I-I'm so shocked.
I mean, I had no idea.
I guess it's like
my gaydar is way off
or something.
Kimberly already knew,
didn't she?
Uh-huh.
- [laughter]
- Mm.
She's been a really good
friend about it, though.
She even tried to get me alone
with a girl at the party
last night.
Oh, my God, the girl
I saw you talking to.
She was so hot.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
Yeah, but then... then I, like,
freaked out and got weird,
and she's probably not
interested anymore, so...
- No way.
- If you DM'd her right now,
I promise you
it would be back on.
Slide into her DM.
- Yeah, message her.
- Now, do it.
Both: [chanting]
Slide in, slide in.
- All right, fine.
- Fine, I'll do it.
[laughs]
♪ ♪
[message sent tone]
♪ ♪
I said, "Hi."
[all cheer]
Yes!
♪ We were ♪
♪ Cosmical beings ♪
[knocking]
How are you in here?
I literally had them change
the buzzer code.
I waited for someone to exit.
[sighs]
I just wanted to say thank you
for your advice.
I found another
super funny writer
who I think is gonna be great,
so it really helped.
You came here at 7:45
just for that?
Yeah, just that.
["I'm So Tired" by Desert a]
♪ ♪
♪ Giving up
my western trouble ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Right now ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Tell me not
to be so subtle ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Always want you to be near ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Guess you'll know
why I'm so tired ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Too tired to be cool ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Guess you'll know
why I'm so tired ♪
♪ ♪
♪ I want you, I want you ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Never thought
I'd miss the struggle ♪
♪ ♪
♪ I don't ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Giving all the kids
some trouble ♪
♪ ♪
♪ I just want you to be here ♪
♪ ♪
Go to bed.