The Secret Diary of Adrian Mole Aged 13¾ (1985): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript

The Mole family's neighbour Mr. Lucas is left by his wife, Mrs. Lucas. He and Adrian's mother Pauline have been having an affair, and they both leave to go to Sheffield, leaving Adrian and George, his father, on their own. Adrian ...

Just my luck!

Spots on my chin
for the first day of the new year.

Mom, wake up.

- Look.
- What?

I've got a massive spot
on my chin.

I can't see anything.

It's because I don't
get enough vitamin C.

Go buy yourself
an orange, then.

This is typical.
It's a miracle we don't get scurvy.

The dog hasn't come back yet.

It's dead peaceful without it.



My mother rang the police.

It's sort of black and white
with bushy eyebrows.

And I'd say it was
a medium sized dog,

not as big as an Alsatian,

but then
not as small as a Jack Russell.

I really think the police have got
better things to do than look for dogs,

such as catching murderers.

No, it wasn't
wearing a name tag.

It doesn't have anything
dangling from its neck.

That serves her right if she was
murdered because of the dog.

That's a relief.

- Can we bring it round now?
- Yes, of course. I'll wait in.

Could be a little adventure for it
having a ride in a police car!

There you go.
Get in, you stupid dog.



I saw you, Moley!

Wait until the RSPCA
hear about this.

Locking a dog in a coal shed
is a very serious offence.

It's stupid fault to go around
knocking meter-readers off bikes.

Talking of bikes...

- Is it yours?
- Yeah.

It's one of my Christmas
presents.

- Been anywhere on it yet?
- No, not yet.

Only to the shops and back.
It's a very latest model.

It cost
a hundred and twenty quid!

It's wasted on Nigel.
If I had it,

I would go all over the country
on it and have an adventure.

... and ultrathin
racing wheels.

Adrian, where are you?

Grandmother's here.
I've got to go. See you.

I'm disgusted at the state
of this house, Adrian.

- I've been doing my best!
- It's not your fault, love.

I mean, some of this muck's
been here for years,

and your room
was very neat and tidy.

- Good boy.
- Thanks.

Now, come here.
Let me squeeze that spot for you.

I have decided against
medicine for a career.

My grandma has had a row
with my mother and gone home

taking the dog with her.

- Lovely day, Mrs. Mole.
- Good morning, Mr. Lucas.

- Having trouble, Mrs. Mole?
- Nothing I can't manage.

Just on my way
to visit the invalids.

Invalids...

It's really kind of you
to bring me flowers, Mr. Lucas.

Bless you, Mrs. Mole.

Pauline, put your damn jacket on,
I've asking you earlier.

Thank you very much, Mr. Lucas.

I wish she wouldn't talk
in this yucky voice.

When Mr. Lucas went,

my father had an argument
with my mother and made her cry.

So I made her a cup of tea
without her asking.

Oh, Adrian...

This made her cry as well.
You just can't please some people.

I've written a poem
and it only took me two minutes.

Even famous poets
take longer than that.

It is called "The tap".
It's very deep.

It's about life
and stuff like that.

"The tap" by Adrian Mole.

The tap drips and keeps me awake,
In the morning there will be a lake.

For the want of a washer the carpet will spoil,
Then for another my father will toil

My father could snuff it while he is at work.
Dad, fit a washer don’t be a burk!

Go one,
your cornflakes will get soggy.

I'm not surprised she laughed.
She isn't an intellectual.

She hasn't washed my shorts
and it's PE tomorrow.

She's not like the mothers
on television.

Excuse me.
have you got a book called

"Prejudice or Pride"
by a woman called Jane Austen?

Yeah,

I could tell she was impressed.

Perhaps she is
an intellectual like me.

She didn't look at my spot,
so perhaps it is getting smaller.

You will have noticed
that it was printed

in the middle
of the swinging 60s.

There's a new girl in our class.
She sits next to me in geography.

She's all right.

Her name's Pandora,
but she likes to be called Box.

Don't ask me why.

Can anybody tell me

the name of one of Britain's
thriving fishing ports?

Answers in sentences, please.

Yes, Pandora.

Hull is a thriving centre
of the British fishing industry?

Or rather was, when Britain
still had a fishing industry.

I might fall in love with her.

It's time I fell in love.

After all, I am thirteen
and three quarter years old.

Pandora's got the same
colour of eyes as our dog.

She's got quite a good figure.

Her chest is wobbling like mad.

I feel a bit funny.
I think this is it.

I've had them for three weeks.

They've been starting to interfere
with the quality of life, so...

I don't want to see the nasty things.
Just sit down and wait, will you?

For all he knows
I could have lassa fever

and be spreading it all around
the waiting room.

I'm telling you, there's nothing
wrong with you, lad.

What you've got
is a teenage pimple.

But I've had them!

You're well nourished
and obviously well looked after.

So my advice to you is to go home,
and count your blessings.

So much
for the National Health Service.

I'll get a paper round
and go private.

I've joined a group at school
called The Good Samaritans.

We go out into the community
helping and stuff like that.

We miss Maths
on Monday afternoons.

So, I'm in the pensioner's group.
I've got this bloke called Bert Baxter.

He's 89, so I don't suppose
I'll have him for long.

Hello? Could I speak
to Mr. Tebbit, please?

Who's calling?

- It's about the girl friday job.
- Can you hang on?

Yes, I wait.

My mother looking for a job!
What about me?

I could end up a delinquent
roaming the streets and all that.

Mr. Tebbit?
Mrs. Pauley Mall here.

I'd like to make
an appointment to see you

regarding the vacancy
in your office.

She won't be any good
in a job anyway.

She isn't very bright and she drinks
too much at Christmas.

I hope this old fogey Burt Baxter's
got a good memory.

I'd like to type his stories
about the war and stuff.

I also hope he ain't got a dog.
Dogs are nothing but trouble.

They're either fighting or standing
in front of the television.

Bugger off, go home.

Else I'll set me dog on you!

I hope I got the wrong number.

- Where's mom?
- Over the road.

To Lukas's, they're getting a divorce.
Mrs. Lucas left in a taxi.

Divorce? Poor Mr Lucas.

Now he will have to do
his own washing and stuff.

What's that got to do with mom?

It was the right number,
worse luck.

There is a horrible smell
in the room.

I think it comes
from Burt Baxter himself.

Shut that window!

You're trying to kill me?

I hate fresh air!

This is the most disgusting room
I've ever seen in my life,

and I'm no stranger to squalor.

Today was the most
terrible day of my life.

A: Bert Baxter is not
a nice old age pensioner.

B: my mother's got a job doing
a rotten typing in an office.

And even worse...
C: Pandora, who I adore,

is going out with Nigel,
my so-called best friend.

I don't think I'll ever
get over the shock.

Pandora...

... why?

I'm only going round
to see how he is!

What about looking
at me for a change?

Can't you see the state
of this house?

It wouldn't hurt you
to lift a finger, would it?

I wish my parents would be
a bit more thoughtful.

I've been through an emotional time
and I need my sleep

Still, I don't expect them to understand
what it's like being in love.

They've been married
for 14 years.

14 years?

Their anniversary is in October,
my birthday is in April.

October, November,
December, January...

All I said was the toad-in-the-hole
was all hole and no toad, sir.

What you said, Partridge,

is that it was all
"bleeding hole and no toad"!

I will not tolerate
bad language in my school!

I think Mr. Scruton was quite right
to throw him out.

After all,
the first-years were present.

We thirdy-years
must set an example.

Sign the toad-in-the-hole
petition!

Sign the toad-in-the-hole
petition!

Sign the toad-in-the-hole
petition!

Sign... Scab!

Sign the toad-in-the-hole
petition!

Forgive me, darling.

My mother hasn't done
any housework for days.

All she does is go to work,
go for Mr Lucas

and read and smoke.

- Mom, have you wash my...
- You should read this.

- What is it?
- "The Female Eunuch".

The sort of book
that changes your life.

Mom, PE's tomorrow
and I can't find...

It's full of dirty words!

I've had my first wet dream.

So my mother was right.

It has changed my life
and the spots got smaller.

My mother bought some of those overalls
that painters and decorators wear.

You can see
her knickers through them.

I hope she doesn't wear them
in the street.

Adrian, don't look about like that!
What you want?

I just wonder where
the child benefit goes.

I squander it
on gin and cigarettes.

By rights it should be mine.
After all, I am the child.

Why would you pick
that slice of bacon, Pauline?

What slice of bacon?

The slice that fell down the side
of the cooker three days ago!

Why didn't you bend
your bloody back and pick it up?

I didn't drop it.

They've been shouting
non-stop for hours

because of the bacon
down the side of the cooker,

I was dead hungry,
but nobody cooked any dinner,

so I had to get my own.

- Here's your bag, Dad.
- Thank you, son.

Look, I'm sorry about all
the rowing over the weekend.

Me and your mother
are going through a bad patch.

Is there anything
you want to say to me?

I had buy my own
dinner yesterday.

- I know, I'm sorry.
- It cost thirty two pence.

- Here you have a quid.
- Thanks.

So I made a profit of 68 pence.

Why was he born so beautiful?
Why was he born at all?

He's no bloody use to anyone
He's no no bloody use at all

Mr. Lucas is staying
with us until he replaces

all the furniture
his wife took away.

My father has gone to Matlock to try
and sell storage heaters to a big hotel.

Our gas boiler has packed in.
It is freezing cold.

Mom, are you in there?

I've got the camp bed
for Mr Lucas.

Mom, the door's jammed.
Can you open it?

We're mending the boiler,
Adrian.

I hope you know
what you're doing, mom.

Yes.

I found my mother doing her hair
in the bathroom this morning.

This has come as a complete
shock to me.

For 13 and three quarter years
I thought I had a mother with red hair.

Adrian, you're up early.

- What colour is your hair, really?
- Light brown.

Well, most.

Don't tell your dad, will you?

To leave it to take.

What a state
their marriage must be.

I wonder if my father knows
that she wears a padded bra.

I wonder what other secrets
my mother has got.

"Hi, honey bun, I ain't never
gonna forget you"

- Can't imagine who it's from.
- Perhaps it's from dad.

No, this is from your dad.

"Let's try again."

So I only got
one Valentine's Day card

and it was in my mother's handwriting,
so it doesn't count.

Thanks mom.

The BBC?
They want your poems?

No, but it's a very kind
rejection letter.

I don't know why you're so proud
you had a letter from the BBC

because a well known fact
that everybody who works there

is a drug addict.

What?
Even Sir Robin Guy?

Well, maybe not him.

I think the BBC is a wonderful
part of Britain's heritage, Bert.

Well, you would think, wouldn't you,
because you're young and daft.

My brother-in-law’s uncle

once lived next door to a tea lady
at Broadcasting House.

She knew all about the BBC.

25 pence a day off you, Mole.
So give me your dinner money!

I haven't got any. I got sizeable
checks since it went up last year.

Why are you always
picking on me?

Coz I hate anybody who wears
flared trousers.

- That's no reason!
- Well, it is to me.

25 pence tomorrow.

There's nothing else to do.
I'll have to get a paper round.

Just my luck to get
posh Elm Tree Avenue!

They read all the heavy papers:
The Times, The Telegraph

and The Guardian.

I got a bit mixed up yesterday.
Corporation Row got the posh papers

and Elm Tree Avenue got
The Star, The Sun and The Express.

I don't know why
they went so mad.

You'd think that they'd enjoy reading
a different paper for a change.

Pandora, have you got
your riding hat with you?

Yes daddy, don't worry.

So now I know
where Pandora lives.

But I don't want her to see me
doing a menial job.

Come on, Blossom.

Good boy.

Jump, Blossom!

She'll need to wear a bra soon.

Adrian, I want to talk to you.

It's about a very serious
matter.

I put a dead serious
expression on my face,

just in case she'd been
caught shoplifting,

or she'd only got six months
to live or something.

Adult relationships
can be complicated.

People, couples
don't always want the same things.

But whatever happens, you won't
forget that I'm fond of you, will you?

Fond?

It's just that...

... for some women,
marriage is like being in prison.

Good night, love.

Marriage is nothing
like being in prison.

Women are let out every
day to go to the shops

and quite a few go to work.

I think my mother is being
a bit melodramatic.

Thanks, Mole.

Why are bigger youths always
unpleasant to smaller youths, Nigel?

I don't know, Moley.

I don't see how
there can be a God.

I mean if there was, surely
he wouldn’t let people like Barry Kent

go around
menacing intellectuals.

It's a problem, all right.

I might study it
when I go to university.

Yes.

I'll have my thesis published
and I'll send a copy to Barry Kent.

Perhaps by then
he'll have learnt to read.

- Mom, I'm home.
- She's not back yet.

Where's she gone?

To a woman's workshop
on assertiveness training.

- What's that?
- God knows.

Sounds like
bad news to me, so...

The worm has turned.

Things are going to be different
around here from now on.

Adrian, these are your jobs.

We start tomorrow morning.

You clean the loo
and the bathroom.

Just my luck to have
an assertive mother!

I'm treated like a serf.

Why couldn't I have
been born Prince Edward

and Prince Edward had
been born Adrian Mole?

Disgusting!

Morning!

- Are you there?
- She's never bloody here.

George! What are you doing
at home in the day?

I had to come home from work.
I couldn't concentrate.

Thngs are very bad
between Pauline and me, mom.

All we're arguing over now is
who doesn't get custody of Adrian.

Who doesn't get custody of me?

Surely my father
made a mistake.

He must have meant
"who does get custody".

Better off without her.
She'd always been wanton.

Don't say that, mom.

So the worst has happened.

It sounds like my parents
are splitting up.

It is official.
They're getting a divorce.

I am going to be
an official statistic.

My God, and now my rotten skin
has gone to pot.

My parents are getting further
and further away from each other,

but neither of them
will leave the house.

So the spare room is being turned
into a bedsitter for my father.

- Anything else, dad?
- Only the stereo from downstairs.

But I thought that
belonged to the family.

Well, family!

Your mother has made sure we
haven't got a family anymore, son.

Anyway, I paid for that stereo,
so it belongs to me.

And how do I play my records?

You can come in here
any time you like.

The only person this room
is out of balance to is your mother.

Here.

Buy yourself something nice,
but don't tell your mother.

I don't want her to know
I'm splashing my money around.

He's a petty, small-minded,
mean git.

Don't suppose he's given you any
pocket money this week. Here!

Don't tell him, though.

He don't need to know
I'm all right for money.

Thanks.

Hello, Adrian Mole speaking.

I'll get her. Mom?

- It's Mr Lucas.
- Yeah, coming!

Mr. Lucas,
so nice of you to call.

I can't.

I just can't.
It's far too early.

No, it's too early.

Why does she keep saying
it's too early?

Perhaps Mr Lucas has asked her
to go to the pub for a drink.

I can't go anywhere.

Thanks, son.
You're a good lad.

Oh no, he's going to cry.

It's alright.

I'm the only person who is managing
to keep some dignity

amongst the emotional turmoil.

My God, old love letters now.

Adrian, what must you think
of us both?

It's not your fault or dad's.

Rick Lemon, at the youth club,
said divorce is society’s fault.

Bugger society!

I don't think anybody in the world
can be as unhappy as me.

If I didn't have my poetry,
I would be a raving loony by now.

I've written a poem about you.
Do you want to hear it?

Well, you're going
to hear it anyway.

"Blossom by Adrian Mole,
aged nearly 14."

Little Brown Horse
Eating apples in a field,

Perhaps one day
My heart will be healed.

I stroke the places Pandora sat
Wearing her jodhpurs and riding hat.

Goodbye, brown horse.
I turn and retreat,

The rain and mud are wetting my feet.

It's good, isn't it?

I'm sending it to the BBC.

Poetry Department,
BBC Broadcasting House, London.

Ain't you got anything else to wear?
It's the holidays.

I'm not going back
to my broken home.

I would sooner go and see Bert Baxter,
the original dirty old man.

Ain't you got
nothing else to wear?

Don't you know
it's school holidays?

even I know about that
and I ain't even at school no more.

I've had a lot of things
to worry about, Bert.

My parents are getting
a divorce.

I don't hold with divorce.

I was married for
35 miserable years,

so I don't see why any other
buggers should get away with it.

- Is Mrs. Baxter dead?
- I should hope so.

We buried her.

She was the ugliest woman
ever did see in your life.

Look.

It was took in the days
before they had plastic surgery.

Yeah, looks like a horse,
don't you think?

She does look a bit...

... equestrian.

That's what comes
to working with horses.

I hadn't realised how much
she looked like one

till I went to work
on the railways.

Would you like
to see a horse again, Bert?

I would though.

I ain't none runny,
I don't know more.

We ain't living in the bleeding
horse guard parade, you know?

It's just like being
in the countryside, innit?

Yeah.

Yes, very nice,
a bit of peace and quiet.

You're a good lad, Adrian. You're
always the first back at the shop.

In fact, lad, to show you
how much you're appreciated,

I am going to be generous
and give you a rise in wages.

How does two and a half pence
an hour sound to you?

Thank you very much, Mr Cherry.

Come here.

Now, these have been
hanging around for ages.

A shame to throw them out,
ain't it?

Well, thank you very much again,
Mr Cherry.

It might be wise
not to show your mother.

Women don't appreciate
the same things that us men do.

As if I'd tell my mother!

Anyway, intellectuals like me
are allowed to be interested in sex.

It's ordinary people who should
be ashamed of themselves.

Measured my thing,
it was 11 centimetres.

Eleven centimetres.

What's that in inches?

Why aren't you walking
Pandora home?

She's in one of her moods.

She told me your mom and dad
are getting a divorce.

Is is true, Moley?

So she does care about me.

My parents have been out
talking to solicitors today

about who gets custody of me.

You could be
a tug-of-love child.

You could even
get your picture in the paper.

Yeah, I know. I hope my rotten
spots clear up before then.

My mom and dad were going
to get a divorce last year.

I didn't know.

They decided to keep together
for the sake of the child, me.

That was nice.

Do you think so?
It's murdering, our house.

There are two dominant tongs
morning, noon and night.

I have to keep
my headphones on permanently.

- See you, Moley.
- See you.

Hope I don't have any
foreigners moving in.

Poor Mr Lucas.

It looks like he's been forced
to sell his house to pay for his divorce.

He's asking 30 thousand for it,
he told me this morning.

He popped in
before he left to work.

30 thousand?

I wonder what will he do
with all that money.

He'll buy a bigger, more expensive,
semi-detached, I expect.

How stupid can you get?
If I had £30 000

I wouldn't waste it on buying
a boring, semi-detached house.

If I had £30 000,

I would wander the world
having experiences.

I wouldn't.
I'd get somewhere nice.

Take the rubish out for me,
love, will you?

"Pauline, how much longer?"

"For God’s sake, come away with me.
Yours forever, Bimbo."

Bimbo?

Mr Lucas? Bimbo?

I'm starting to get
a bit suspicious

about my mother's feelings
about Mr. Lucas.

And this is from my mother
and me.

It's called Leopard Lily.

Very nice. Do you want
to finish me off on my birthday?

Don't you want me to have
another one next year?

"The sap in this plant
is poisonous, so take care."

Sorry, grandma.
My mother chose it.

It's funny, she's never liked me.
Why? I don't know.

I've always been willing
to give her advice.

I'm not sorry that her
and your father are getting divorced.

I am.

She's had a terrible effect
on your father, you know?

He's lost three inches in height
since he'd been married to her.

She's always had a nasty
wanton streak, you know?

In my opinion.

Wanton.

That's not very nice.

The best news I've had for ages,
Nigel and Pandora, have split up.

It's all around the school.

What's she like to go out with?

Well...
She's not easy.

She likes her own way.

I don't want to talk
about her anymore.

I might break down
and show myself up.

I'm about to breakdown myself.

Do you mind
if I talk to you about it?

Yes, I do!

- This is my tragic hour, not yours.
- Don't be so selfish.

Listen, a few days ago,
I found a love letter in the dustbin.

It was written to my mother
and guess who it was from!

- Mr. Lucas.
- How did you know?

- Everybody knows.
- Everybody?

Yeah, it's all around
the neighbourhood.

The only people not to know
about your mom and Mr. Lucas

are you and your father.

Hi, Mr Mole.

It's Mother's Day.

Get your mother
something decent.

Could be the last time.

"Patient and kind,
Adoring and true,"

"Wonderful mommy,
I love you."

- Doesn't sound like my mother.
- Patient and kind?

It doesn't sound
like anybody's mother.

I ought to buy one,
cross "wonderful" out

and put "wanton" in its place.

I bought these for you
for Mother's Day.

Adrian, love,
you shouldn't have...

She's right.
I shouldn't have.

Adrian, would you mind
going upstairs for a bit?

Only me, your dad and Mr. Lucas
are trying to have a civilized meeting.

Come on, George.

Stop it!

Come on, George, give
that smarmy bugger one for me.

‘Tis the poor boy
I feel sorry for.

I suppose I ought to look sad.

No doubt the experience
will give me traumas in the future.

I'm all right at the moment,
but you never know.

Pauline,
will you get out of here?

My mother has gone away
with ratfink Lucas.

We are now
a single parent family.

What's wrong?

I found it down
the back of the seat.

It's your mother's.

- I really miss her. Do you?
- Course I do.

- Life must go on.
- I don't see why.

I took this to mean
that my father was suicidal.

Best to remove
anything harmful.

You may think it's amusing, George,
to look like a communist. But I don't.

- Now go upstairs and shave.
- I can't find my razor.

Your father shaved every day
of his life, even in the trenches.

Sometimes he had to stop the rats
from eating his shaving soap.

I would shave
if I could find it.

He was even shaved
by the undertaker in his coffin.

So if the dead can shave,
there's no excuse for the living.

I've got some homework to do.

You mustn't let yourself go,
George.

I mean, you owe it to Adrian
to keep things going.

Yes and he can start by giving me
an excuse note from swimming.

I just don't see
the point of this.

When we're grown up,

we're hardly going to stroll alog
the river bank in our pyjamas.

And who would be stupid enough

to dive into a river
and rescue a boring old brick?

Bricks are lying about
all over the place.

I wish I could get
athlete's foot.

I don't want to do mouth-to-mouth
resuscitation next week.

I might get Barry Kent.

You owe me 25 pence, Mole.

What's not my fault
you got a cold, is it?

I asked you for
an excuse note from games.

Anyway, this came
from your mother today.

She found a flat. She wants
you to go and visit her.

- Can I?
- Yes.

Provided she sends
the train fare.

By the way...

... I made friends
with a woman at work.

Doreen...
Doreen Slater, so...

Might see her round
a bit in the future.

So much for the suicidal,
heartbroken husband.

There's nothing worth
reading in here, is there?

They're all boring.

I heard of this.
It is supposed to be dead good.

- Waiting for Go-dot?
- Godot!

You're such a philistine, Nigel!

Thanks.
I was just about to ask you

if you wanted to come and stay
at my house for the weekend.

Won't your parents mind?

They're going to a grotty wedding
in Croydon.

Go on, stay,
we'll have a good laugh.

Bring Godot as well. We might
find out who's waiting for him.

What are they called?

They're called
Vladimir and Estragon.

They sound
like contraceptive pills.

Oh Vladimir...

Can I tempt you into another
wee dram, my dear chap?

No, no.

How people can drink whisky
for pleasure, I don't know.

If it was in a medicine bottle,
they'd pour it down the sink.

The 11:15 train from Nottingham
is now arriving at platform five.

I wish my mother
would come home.

I'd forgotten how nice she is.

- How much is that, please?
- £29.99.

What'd you think?

They did good, really tight.

Dad's going out
with another woman.

Didn't take him long, did it?

No.

Her name is Doreen Slater.

I haven't met her yet,
but my dad told me all about her.

So Doreen's still doing the rounds,
is she? My God!

She deserves a medal, she does,

for laying down her life
in the service of men.

Adrian, do you want another?

Where have you been?

I've been keeping your hamburgers
warm for an hour. Hungry, Adrian?

No, I just ate two Big Macs.

It would kill me to eat
anything that creep had touched.

How could you? I come home
from work early to get it started.

I'm sorry, Bimbo. I got carried
away with excitement.

- Excitement?
- Seeing Adrian again.

Adrian,
I'd like you to accept this.

- What do you say?
- Thank you.

He is trying to bribe me
into liking him again.

Hard luck, Lucas.
Us Moles never forget.

We are just like the
Mafia in that respect.

Lucas has stolen
a wife and a mother,

and so he will just have
to pay the price.

Mom.

I'd like to go to bed now.
You show me my room, please?

I dreamt I stabbed Lucas to death
with the toothpick on my penknife.

It was the best dream
I've had for ages.

Thank God I'm back at school
where discipline and order prevail.

Today, your poshy briefcase.
Tomorrow it will be you, right?

I want my money!

Now I will have to walk around
looking like a scruff-bag.

There are no women in the house
to sew my badge back onto my blazer.

I've got to find them.

I've had them theet
since 1946.

Sabre...

It's the most disgusting thing
I've ever seen in my life.

- Is Mr. Mole in?
- No, only me, master Mole.

I've come to disconnect
your electricity.

You can't do that.

Look son,
I've got the law on my side.

What do you got on yours?

We need electricity for essentials
like the TV and stereo.

People like you want to suck
in the country's strength.

You want a cup of tea, mate?

- You've got an electric kettle?
- Yeah.

No, thanks.

Dad...

... we've been cut off.

You should have paid the bill.

Why didn't you put a bit away
every week like grandma does?

You should have refused entry,
you stupid little sod!

Adrian,
you shouldn't be here so late.

- Is anything wrong at home?
- No.

So why aren't you doing
your homework there?

Your last English essay was
spattered with bits of waxy stuff.

It was most unpleasant to mark.

Sorry.

I caught my overcoat
sleeve on the candle.

Candle?

Oh no, you've not been cut off,
have you?

You should have said!
You can talk to me, can't you?

Miss Fossington-Gore,

what GCEs do you need to write
situation comedy for television?

You don't need GCEs, love.
You just need to be a moron.

You'll strain your eyes.
What is it?

"Hard Times",
by Charles Dickens.

I'm here!
Anybody home?

- We're here, mom.
- Where?

So you've been cut off,
have you?

How much do you owe?

Nearly a £100.

Well, I pay it this once,
but I'm not pleased about it.

That'll have to come out
of my freezer savings.

She likes to buy
two dead cows a year.

... no one in the house
day and night.

How much is it exactly?

£95.75.

Disgusting.

What happened to you blazer, Adrian?
Badge's all coming off.

Barry Kent did it at school.

He's been menacing me for ages,
making me give him money.

- How much?
- 25 pence a day.

And what have you done
about it, George?

Well, I went round
to see his dad.

- And?
- He told me to push off.

- And did you?
- I had no choice.

He looks like an ape,
he's 6 foot four.

He won't scare me.

I'll go round to his house tomorrow
and I'll get back every penny.

Now Adrian,
you take your blazer off.

I'll stitch the badge on.

Don't worry, love,
you'll be alright.

You're grandma's here now.

And you can stand up straight
for there is lady present.

There you are.

I think you'll find it all there:
£25.75.

Thanks, Grandma!

I don't think
it'll happen again, Adrian.

But if it does,
you just let me know.

Drive on, George.

The electricity's back on,
your grandma's gone home

you got your money back.
Lend us a tenner, son.

You won't give it back, Dad.

Of course, you know me,
I'm a man of his word!

And the word is "unreliable".

I'll get paid tomorrow.

That's funny, it's from work.
Why are they writing to me?

I was only in the office.

I've been made redundant.

My dad will be on the dole.

How can we live on the pittance
the government gives us?

The dog will have to go.

It costs 35 pence a day for dog food,
not counting flea powder.

It's no wonder us intellectuals
go mad or die of drink.

We know what it is to suffer.

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