The Scotts (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Episode #1.5 - full transcript

This programme contains adult humour

Hello?

Henry had an accident at work.

Welcome home!

It's likely that I'll never
scaffold again.

Well, if you want a studio,
you'll get a studio.

But Beyonce didnae record
Single Ladies

under a spare quilt wi a big
korma stain on it!

Vondella Scott, will you...

SHE GASPS
..marry me...

..again? Oh, Vincent. Yes!



Look at this. Jason, get through
here. We're having a party!

Advertise your product or brand here
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Colette! It's finished!

I have been working my backside aff
to build a home music

studio for Colette.

I'm nervous to show her.

I feel like I'm about to haun
Paul Hollywood a big, hot muffin.

Keep going, keep going, keep going.
Right, stop, stop. Right.

Ta-da!

It's brilliant. Thanks.

Will we test it oot? See if we
don't blow the street up?

There's another test we need to
dae first.

I'm late.

Late for what?



My p...

Do you even know what this is?

Aye, it's one of they wee
thermometers my ma puts up

the dug's bum when it's no well.

It's a pregnancy test. For dugs?

For me. Oh.

Oh.

Late late? Aye.

How's it work?
Come on and I'll show you.

Eh, this is just for us.

This is a really sacred
moment, in't it? Aye.

URINATING

So, you DAE pee on it.

We're having a baby! Aw!

YES!

Well, this will need to be
the wean's room, won't it?

You'll need to get aw that music
shite oot of there.

Henry's been up and down since
the accident.

By now he thought he'd be
climbing up roofs

like the Scottish Spider-Man,
as he likes to call himself.

AKA Mr Some Shift.

AKA the Grafter's Grafter.

But we've had more good than bad
recently.

And then I got offered a job.

So, you know my cousin Morna who
runs the cafe?

What's it called again? Lattes
and Tatties. Lattes and Tatties!

Well, she is opening a new place
and she's asked me

to run it for her...

..full-time.

Aw, wait a minute noo.

I mean, I've been talking about
doing something with myself for ages

and I think I'd be really good
at this.

Don't you? This is because you're
listening to my doctors.

You don't think I'll be
back working.

I was afraid of this.

Look, I'll get back to work.

Laura, I mean, I'm like a baw hair
away frae being

a total specimen again.

Henry, I'm the one who cleans
your underwear.

You can barely wipe your own
backside yet.

I've always been a slapdash
arse wiper.

Look, it's nice that Morna thought
of you, but naw.

Excuse me?

Let me rephrase that. You don't need
to take that job for my benefit.

Henry, I know that you'll get back
to your work. This isn't about you.

It's about me.

This is something
I would LIKE to do.

You've lost faith in me.

You're not listening.

I am listening and what she's
saying is,

"You're BLEEP."

Look, I'm ready to get going again.

Right, see they slabs out the front?

I'm going to carry them
roond the back

and make a start on the garden.

Oh, no. No, no, no.

HE GRUNTS

HE MOANS

The tail bone noo.

Is the total specimen OK?

Magic.

I know this is really hard for
you, Henry,

but I never thought you'd turn into
such an unsupportive...shite.

Oh, she's swearing at me noo.

# We're going to the chapel
and we're going to get married. #

Well, I'm actually barred from
all the chapels in the Archdiocese

of Glasgow, so we're having it
in the garden

and it's actually a vow renewal.

That's right, but it's going to be
the whole bit. You know,

you've got a beautiful bride,
a beautiful groom, cake.

People were jealous of us before.

Imagine how sickened they're going
to be now.

"Chi-yars!"

Cheers. Cheers.

CELLPHONE TEXT PINGS

Looks like Henry and Vincent are

having a wee heart to heart
out there.

I bet they're talking about love
and marriage and commitment.

Aye, bro, aye.

Gene Wilder comes oot the chocolate
factory and it

looks like he cannae walk and then
he does a perfect forward roll.

Aye, but see the way he does
it, right?

Like, he just... Like, he just
falls, like, nae hauns.

Like, he just tucks his heid in
and woo! He goes. Aye.

Like, I could never dae it withoot
putting my hauns doon.

Aye, so you...

Like, you...

Oh, no, but you'd be feart of
smashing your skull.

I'd be too feart to do that.
Go on, dae it.

Och! Dae it! You! All right. Well...

Right, no like that. You look like
you're trying to have a gander

up your ain arsehole. Hey. Hey.

Don't swear in front of my
da's seat.

"My da's seat." Don't start, you.

Oh, what are we getting noo?

Look, it's important for me that
everybody I love is here today -

that's why I'm making sure my da is
right doon there, front and centre.

Look, I've got something
that's a wee physical

representation of what my da was.

It's his auld chinos.

You are kidding me on, by the way.

There you are. There you are, Da.

Da...

..I'm renewing my vows today

and I'm gonnae make my marriage
perfect this time, Da. Perfect,

just like you and my mammy.

See if I was getting married,
I'd come in on a war horse,

that swan would be a dragon, and me

and my wife would be done up like
a Frank Frazetta painting.

The whole fantasy theme.

The real fantasy is that you'll
ever have a wife.

I'll have loads of wives.

Aw! There they are,
the young team, my tribe!

Hey, have you heard that new
Billie Eilish album, by the way?

It's a belter. Lovely to see you.
Lovely to see you. Hey.

I thought you were bringing your
wee girlfriend today.

She's too pure to meet this family.
Well...

You all right? Well, you know what?
I was feeling good this morning,

but, noo, I don't know. The old
pumps are going,

the sphincters are fluttering,

I'm sweating,
my tongue's in knots.

Sounds like Jason trying to order
food fae a drive-through.

Aye, well, I think a wee bit of
nerves is a small price to

pay for a beautiful day like this.

My beautiful wife on my arm,
my beloved family around me

and my da looking doon on me
wi pride.

What's that look like?

Vincent. Yes?

I put the champagne on ice,
the drivers are on standby

and I got past that Flamelurker that
you were stuck at in Demon's Souls.

Amazing. Eilidh, relax. You're not
working today. I'm always working.

Jason, could you help me shift
this table?

Sure can do.
That would be my delightful.

"Sure can do.
That would be my delightful."

Kill me.

I wasn't expecting to see you
here...after aw that carry on.

I'm surprised Vonny didnae rip
your dolly wee heid aff.

I know I would have.

There you go, dismantled by
my mammy.

That's her part of the family now.

We haven't announced that
I'm pregnant yet.

I'm just waiting on a moment where
it's gonnae make maximum impact.

Imagine the music started and we
just ran up the aisle before

Vincent and Vonny and grabbed
the mic and pure shouted,

"We're pregnant!" Shh!

That would be vile.
Eh, what? That would be amazing.

Colette, you know I've always got
your back,

but we don't need to steal
the show today.

You, me, the baby, we're our ain
wee show.

Let's just keep this for us for now.
Our secret.

Whit do I always say about secrets?

A secret is just a slagging
I havenae used yet. I know.

But please...

..for me.

Come on.

Here, Darren, you better no be
wearing a vest today.

CHUCKLING

Like, I don't remember it at aw,
but apparently a big

chunk of masonry just came right
aff the wall.

Frightening.

Still, I dae love a bit of
masonry myself.

Tell me this, Jason, are you any
closer to finding a wee girlfriend?

Well, actually, there was one lassie
watching my stream last night.

Do you mean she was watching
you pish?

Right, Mammy. Come on, we're aboot
to start. Come on. This way.

This is your seat here...

..right beside my da's chinos.

In the name of Christ,

you want me to sit beside an old
pair of troosers.

Don't think of them as
troosers, Mammy.

Think of them as your loving
husband. Look at yous.

Right, I better go and get
inside my swan.

You have to keep your eye on
a guy who wears chinos.

You cannae ever fully trust
any man who has that much

freedom around the crotch.

BEATBOXING

# George and Bungle were in
the jungle

# Zippy's having fun

# Geoffrey's swimming
with naked women

# And I can see his bum

# Awoo!

# Awi-um-bum-ba-weh. #

You like that? Aye.

So, is Vincent coming out of that
swan? Apparently.

I thought it was the bride that
makes a big entrance.

Have you met your uncle?

PIANO MUSIC PLAYS

That's us.

Oh, this is bad.

I need to be honest.
I expected the swan to be bigger.

Oh, that's the music started.

You know, I would be very
disappointed if I thought you

were waiting on permission from
Big Cellblock H to take that job.

I don't want permission, just some
encouragement. "Go for it.

"Don't be scared.

"You won't accidentally poison
hundreds of old people."

Aw, she's worried that her cooking
will poison auld people noo.

Let me give you this advice.

When I auditioned for Menken
and Slater's Sister Act 2009,

people told me I would never get
the part.

They said, "You, Vonny, a nun?

"The sexiest ensemble dancer in
the West End playing a nun?

"No chance", they said.

But, Laura, I auditioned

and I was the best nun that Jesus
had ever clapped eyes on.

So, what you're saying is that
Henry thinks I'm too sexy to

work in a cafe? No, he definitely
won't be thinking that, no offence.

I'm just saying, "Screw him."

Take the job.

I want Henry to be happy for me,
is that so bad?

Showtime!

CELLPHONE BUZZES

CELLPHONE BUZZES

Cracking day, eh?

Ronnie.

Sorry, pal, I'm listening to
a porno.

What? I said, "I'm listening to
a porno."

This guy's just walked in on
his mother-in-law

while she's having a wee lady chug.

You shouldnae be listening to
pornos, Ronnie. What?

Can blind guys not enjoy porn
as well? Not at a vow renewal.

I'm keeping it respectful.

All the pornos have been
wedding themed.

That guy is disgusting.

Good Rangers man, but! Cannae take
that away from me.

He's missed his cue.

You all right in there, Vincent?

You know, when I visualised
waiting for my beautiful wife

by hiding inside a 15 grand
fibreglass swan

while my da's chinos watched me,
it sounded perfect.

But the truth is I'm claustrophobic,

it turns oot I'm allergic
to fibreglass,

and I have long-standing issues with
my da.

Vincent, whit's wrang?
You getting cold feet?

No.

It's my da.

HE SIGHS

Right, talk to me. He always said to
me I was aw talk.

He always said, when it comes right
doon to it,

I always let everybody doon.

Right, come oot the swan.
Is this aw talk?

Am I just going to let
Vonny doon again?

Henry, was...? Was my da right when
he said that aboot me? No.

Why are you and me still worried
about what he would think of us?

Do you want me to fling these chinos
in the bin?

He's not come out yet.

SHE GASPS

Oh, my God. Vonny, you look amazing.

Do you know, back on our actual
wedding day, I just did not care.

Let it rain, let the birds shit
on my dress, get a divorce

on the honeymoon if need be.

But this, today...this is nice.

I care about this.

I feel happy.

Uncle Vincent's refusing to come out
the swan.

There we go.

Vincent! Get out that swan!

Vonny.

What if this vow patter is
just aw talk?

Like, what if we make our best go
of it this time

and it still doesnae work?

I mean, I just...

I just cannae seem to avoid
making mistakes.

I'm going to make mistakes, too.
I always have. I always will.

I'm not changing.

I'm not going to stick on a flowery
apron and become Laura.

No offence, Laura. None taken.
But I'm serious about this.

And you, I mean...

..look at the state of you.
You're clearly serious...

I am not having a conversation with
a bloody swan.

Will you get out that thing before
I set it on fire with you inside it?

HE GROANS

Did that swan just shite
oot Vincent?

I told the artist I wanted to
materialise fae its breast,

no come crawling in and oot
its arse.

Vincent, come here. Look at me.

I'm looking, I'm looking.

Laura, can you do that?
It's more your bag.

Vincent...

..I have half-arsed every aspect of
my life since we came back up here

and it is time that I put my heart
and soul into something again.

So, let's start with this.

You and me...

..right here.

Aye.

Let's start with me

standing here beside the most
amazing woman on this planet.

No you, Laura. No offence.
No offence.

So, can I go upstairs and we can
take it from the top? Oh, aye.

Aye.

Yas!

But get this BLEEP swan
oot of my gairden!

Hello, yes, I'd like to get a refund
on an ornamental swan, please.

I've got this. Oh, thank you.

Hi, yes.

Yes.

Sorry. Are you OK with that?

Oh.

The vows were beautiful.
It was so honest.

"Aw, my da's chinos. Aw!"

Naw. It was nice.

But, wait, who's this grabbing
the mic?

And, personally...
I'll...take it fae here, thanks.

Don't let her sing!

It's the renegade master herself,

the fourth horsewoman of
the apocabitch.

Bring on the drama.

Hiya.

Well, I've got a really big surprise
for everybody the day.

You're wanting a lend of money to
dae up your kitchen? No.

It's a proper surprise.

Um...

Um...

Lost for words. There's a first
time for everything.

The surprise is...

..you're going to hear me say
something nice... Oh, Christ. Boo!

..aboot these
sisters-in-laws of mine.

I know we havenae always seen
eye to eye,

it's been mair like an eye
for an eye at times,

but I've been thinking about family
a lot these last few days

and, Laura, you've gave me
a beautiful niece and nephew and...

..mair kindness than
I ever acknowledged.

Vonny...

..my fashion game just widnae
be God level right noo

if I wisnae trying to ootdae you
every step of the way.

I'll let you have the victory on
your wedding day.

So, let's have a toast.

To Laura and Vonny.

ALL: Laura and Vonny.

Let's get wrecked!

CHEERING

Let's tear the roof aff this
gairden!

That was so nice.

You were right.

Thanks.

Deep down, she's an angel.

I mean, I'm talking about journey to
the centre of the Earth deep here.

But still...

SNORING

MUSIC: Ain't Leavin'
by Devin Hoffman & Holiday Rogers

You'll never be an auntie.

Aye, I mean, he does
a perfect forward roll,

but he disnae put his hauns down.

It's impossible.

I'm having a shot. Haud my drink.
Come on.

Here he goes.

What's he doing? Nae chance.

Oh, you!

Looking at that, it's no wonder
you're in such

a good mood today, Colette.
That's my man!

You're right, that is impossible.

Right, ladies, bouquet time!

Go! Gran! Go!

Come on, Erin!
My arse, "Come on, Erin."

The bouquet thing totally works.

I caught the bouquet at the last
wedding I went to

before we got married.

Eh, I think it was catching some of
my spermatozoa that

brought aboot our wedding
and no a bouquet.

Such a romantic.
CELLPHONE PINGS

Eilidh, you come forward.
Erin, you come forward.

Colette, you get right back.

What is it?

Morna wants
an answer on the cafe job.

OK, are you ready?

Go on, Vonny. Whoa!

Oh, no!

No, no, no, no, no. Don't you be
getting any ideas there, Mammy.

You take it, pal.
You're all loved up, in't you?

No, no, no, no! Erin's only been
going out

with her girlfriend for a few weeks.

She's got big plans for life first.

My da never supported us
in anything.

Any plans or dreams you had, he shot
them doon, laughed at you.

My ma got it worst of aw.

I'm nothing like my da.

You know...

..I can totally picture you
running a wee cafe.

Really?

Aye.

Your wee apron on, laying out all
the cakes you've baked

for everybody, chatting away to
all the punters.

See, you've just got that way about
you where you just put people

at ease. Well, you're biased.
No, I'm not.

I widnae hire you to strip copper
aff an auld roof, but this.

People will love you.

I mean, the old guys will just
fall in love with you.

Of course, any of them try it on,
I'll have to step in, you know?

Do you think you could take an old
guy in your condition?

An old guy would toe my baws right
now, but... Look...

I think you would be great at this

and if it's something that you
really want to do...

..I absolutely think you should go
for it.

I knew he'd get there.

I've got so many ideas.

And yet no idea how to make
a decent cup of tea.

# This is why there is forever

# Just to be together

# Just to be together... #

MUSIC: More, More, More
by Clooney

Da.

Oh, Da, I don't feel good.

Aw, you'll be aw right, Baby Yoda,
come and sit down. No, Da.

Seriously, I feel terrible.

Oh, Da.

I feel like I'm going to...

Jason! Jason! Ah!

Oh, yes! He did it! Brilliant, wee
man! Did you see that?

Where's Darren? Did you see that?

You did it, you actually did it!
I cannae believe it.

I cannae believe it.
What a guy. What a guy.

I got a weird vibe from my
da there.

I think it was pride.

That dressing up chest is dynamite.

Look at this.

I just love your sister, boys.

I want yous to know that I'll
never dae wrang by her.

Aye, all right, you big soppy
bastard. Stauners went saft.

Boys...

..I cannae haud it in.

I'm going to be a daddy.

Colette's having a baby.
Oh, brilliant. Brilliant.

We're keeping this a secret, though.
I'm going to be an uncle again!

Where's Colette? Where's Big Mammy?
Colette! No, no.

Can you believe this big diddy?

It just came oot, I'm sorry.
Congratulations, you two!

Vonny, I'm absolutely mortified.

I would never have dreamed of
announcing that on your big day.

And, Mammy, I would hae
telt you first.

Hen, I've been watching you aw
night,

flinging your drinks
under the chair.

I'm absolutely made up for you.

Come here. I'm having an actual
baby!

It's going to be the best wean this
family's ever seen.

Cheers, Auntie Colette.

I pure want a drink.

Vonny, another wee baby in
the family.

Oh, you softie.
Maybe yous will be next, eh, Vonny?

Er...and ruin this body?
I don't think so.

Hey, come here. Come on.

Get in, come on. Come on. Get in.

Coming for a cuddle, Ronnie?
Piss off. OK, then.

What a day, eh? What a day!

I know!

Even the world's maist successful
guys, my peers, Steve Jobs,

Elon Musk, Stone Cold Steve Austin,
they've aw had their wobbles

and nothing can wobble you like
the stuff your da says to you.

But I have to accept it -
my da's away.

He wisnae there today.

He isnae anywhere.

What have you done?
What have you done?

Right, step, step. Is this a trick?
Right, right. Is it a trick?

Bro, your chariot awaits.

Oh!

This is the greatest
night of ma life.

Come on, hubby, the Maldives
are calling.

I hope you've brought your lucky
scants, Mr Scott.

Mrs Scott, where we're going,
we don't need scants.

CHEERING
Let's go!

Bye!

Eh, Henry, we've both been drinking
and this is a two-seater.

Who's driving?

Oh, for f...