The Scotts (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Episode #1.4 - full transcript

This programme contains adult humour

Laura, if I can just stay
with you a week or so,

just so I can figure out
what's next.

I am a single man noo.

What you need is a Vinny night.

Love this one, man!

Right, that is it.

Next plane out that airport,
wherever it's going,

I'm on it!

There she is.

I wanted to see you tonight
to give you this.



HE STAMMERS

I need tae win my wife back.

I just want to be the man
you deserve me to be.

Vincent, I love you.

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SHE SIGHS

SHE SIGHS LOUDER

Aye?

That was my ma.

She says her pal seen Vincent
and Vonny cutting aboot

looking all loved up.

Cool.

"Cool"?

We're supposed to be the cute couple
that people talk aboot, Darren.



We are wee cutie pies.

Except I don't feel cute,

because I'm so frustrated
with how long you're taking

to build my recording studio.

I'm wanting to make it properly,
but look.

A makeshift recording booth.

Are you seriously gonnae staun
there with that mad Uruk-hai haircut

and tell me that I've to record my
masterpiece under a £10 Asda duvet?

It isnae the tools, Colette.

It's the artist.

But Beyonce didnae record
Single Ladies under a spare quilt

wi a big korma stain on it!

Well, this isnae very cute, is it?

Och, I know.
I know and I'm sorry.

Relationships can really suffer
in this industry of mine.

Aye.

What industry's that?

The music industry.

But we cannae let it
get in between you and me.

Never!

We need tae get back
tae working oan us,

and then WE'LL be the couple
oan everybody's lips.

I don't need tae be
oan everybody's lips.

Just yours.

Everybody's in a really
good place right now.

Vincent and Vonny are happier
than ever

and Colette and Darren are...

What?

Hello?

What?

Where is he?

Henry had an accident at work.

A bad yin.

A wall collapsed.

We all rushed doon to that hospital
like the Broons.

I mean, I don't want to say
I was thinking the worst,

but I could hear the hollow hooves
of the horses of the dead.

Hey, what's all the drama?

Concussion, spinal fracture,
shoulder crushed,

a few weeks in hospital, I'm gonnae
be aff my work for a while.

I'm actually looking forward to it.

Ha-ha! Aye, right!

SHE CHUCKLES

Welcome home!

Hey!
Hey!

MOIRA: He's like his faither,
cannae just sit and be.

Laura's in for a lovely time.

Oh, "welcome home"!

He's right proud of it.
Aye.

I'm sure, if we keep him occupied,
he'll be fine.

So, I got you the Sharpe box set.

Yes! Sean Bean!

The Bean Machine.

Watching box sets. Cannae wait.

Oh, and I went through some of my
books to see if there's anything

you might fancy. He won't read
Fifty Shades Of Grey, Mum.

No, but there's
a Rod Stewart autobiography.

Rod the bod.

Reading books. Been saying for years
I need tae read mair.

Brilliant.

I brought the PlayStation doon
for you as well.

Oh, yes, man!

You got Fifa?
Please!

Dark Souls.

Whit's that?

You kill demons and you empower
yourself with their souls.

Brilliant. Was I no saying
that I should get into something

where I get my soul empowered
by a demon?

Don't you worry aboot me.

I can adapt to any situation.

I'm flexible.

Flexible?!

He's as rigid as Iron Man on Viagra.

This is gonnae be great, man.

This accident was
a blessing in disguise.

Ah!

MUSIC PLAYS FROM TV

Oh, yes, man!

Never get the chance
tae watch Loose Women.

He'll be fine.

Now, on the plus side,
we two have had a great few weeks.

We have.

But there is one piece of
unfinished business

that I need to deal
with before I can go all in.

I just think it's amazing that
a woman of your generation

thinks that flirting with the boss

is an acceptable part
of the job description.

But in my defence,
it wasn't genuine flirting,

it was a routine, it was a bit.

It was a bit...sickening.

Absolutely. Noted.

But I have some
constructive suggestions.

Oh, there's a notepad.
Mm-hm.

I've identified some workplace
banter that we can eliminate.

Darling, notepad away.

I know who is
really running that place,

and it is not Bonnie Prince Vinny.

You are good at your job.

And you have got
a lovely-shaped head.

And I have said
what is needed said,

so why don't we let bygones
be bygones?

Absolutely.

I am 100% Team Vincent and Vonny
from this point forward.

I mean, you two are just
absolute couple goals.

See? That's what I'm talking aboot.

WE are meant to be couple goals.

Now, your first assignment
is to call us an Uber

so we can go for lunch.

And how did the lunch go?

Put it this way - it was still
happening at 2:00 in the morning.

She's my protege now.

Mind, just a wee spot of milk
for me, Laura.

I know.

Careful.

I'm being careful.

Oh, no, no!

That's way too much.

MOIRA SIGHS

When you're trying to keep positive
at home,

there are certain people you hope
will pop in for a visit.

And then there's Moira.

You've got a long road
of suffering ahead of you, son.

Naw. I'm making good progress.

He's got an excellent nurse.

A man's no supposed tae be in the
hoose with his woman all day long.

"His woman"?

HE CHUCKLES
"His woman"!

Trapped.

Cannae dae anything but think.

I love thinking.

Ha-ha!

Like your da,
alone wi your ain thoughts.

Mm-hm. That's your worst nightmare.

Well, he's not alone.

He's got his woman.

Doesnae take a man long

before he starts thinking
of his wife as Nurse Ratched.

I'm Nurse Ratched?

Moira, you're the one who's trying
to give us the shock treatment.

I'm just trying to prepare you
for what's to come.

How?

Whit's tae come?

It's gonnae be like The Shining
in here, that's what's tae come.

Any chance you can make me
a cup of tea, Laura?

That's like baby tea.

I had to nurse your faither
for a month after his car accident.

I could have staved his skull in
wi an iron.

Laura could never dae that.
Naw.

She doesnae know what an iron
looks like.

THEY LAUGH

Let me run something by you.

Yoga teacher.

Henry?

Murder.

What?

Murder.

No seeing what's going on at work.

That's understandable,
but you're supposed to be...

Mibbe I should just pop
doon the site...

No. You're off your work, Henry,
you're recovering.

HE SIGHS
Laura, you don't get it.

A building site withoot a gaffer
is like a dug

with the world's most delicious baws
and nae tongue.

Gross.

I should just take a wee drive
ower...

I hid your car keys.

Why would you dae that?

In case you tried driving
with one arm and died.

My ma was wrang.

It isnae The Shining in here,
it's Misery.

You're Misery.

The woman in misery
was called Annie Wilkes, actually,

so that doesn't make sense.

That wee bit of water damage
on the bathroom ceiling

is pissing me off as well.

Normally, I would have dealt
with that the day that I saw it.

I know,
but if it's really bothering you,

we can always just get a man in.

Oops.

Oh, Laura, doll.

"Get a man in"?

"Get a man in"?!

Dae you know when a man will come in
tae dae work in my hoose?

When I am deid and buried.

Is that you trying to storm out?
Aye!

Do you want me to slam the door
for you?

There's lots of things Dad can't do
for himself right now.

The family has to step up.

Your turn.

My turn for what?

Wipe his arse.

What, my da's?

You know he can't do it himself.

Ugh!

I hadn't put two and two thegither.

Really?

It can't be me and Mum every time.
It's sexist.

Oh, man.

Will he bend over for me, or...?

Oh, man!

Da, it's Jason.

Do you want me to come in yet?

Come in for whit?

To clean your bum.

BLEEP off!

SHE LAUGHS
Oh!

HE MUTTERS

HE SIGHS

Argh!

When Henry got out of hospital,
I wanted to celebrate,

so I invited Colette and Darren
and Vincent and Vonny

for a wee dinner party.

It's come up on us really quick
and, well,

I'm not sure he's in the right frame
of mind

to do the whole family thing.

Fed up daeing nothing aboot here.
I want tae make the risotto.

Fine.

Onions and butter in the pan.

Let me know when the rice
starts to turn clear.

Right, boil the rice first?

Just stir the dry rice
into the buttery onions.

Dry rice?

Ye daft?

Stir the dry rice
into the buttery onions.

I'll boil the rice first.

Stir the dry rice
into the buttery onions!

Do not boil that race.

Boiling is how rice has been made
since day dot.

That's how the Virgin Mary
had her biryani.

Well, you'll be able to ask her
for her recipe in person in a minute

if you do not get out
of my kitchen!

Who knows what's going on
at that hoose?

I cannae wait tae find oot.

Noo, remember, this isnae just
aboot oor feelings for each other.

Aye.

What else is it aboot again?

It's aboot other people knowing
that we are mair intae each other

than certain other people
are intae each other.

You mean Vincent and Vonny?
Aye.

We're the ones that are couple
goals, the hot, sexy couple,

and we'll prove it the night.

SHE KNOCKS
At a family dinner?

If he kisses her, you get your
tongue right doon my throat.

If he strokes her airm,
you squeeze my arse.

There he is!
Hi.

Aw, come here.

Right, ow, ow.
Sorry.

What's that you're wearing
under your waistcoat, Darren?

Would it be a vest, by any chance?

Aye.

You planning on daeing a wee bit of
Mortal Kombat between courses?

I just like my arms to be free.

And your oxters.

I like when he wears wee vests.

Reminds me of Tupac Shakur.

Aye, Two Bob Shakur.
Gie me your coat.

Oh, there they are!

Hey!
Hiya.

Hi, darling, how you doing?
How you doing?

So, er, how's the music career
going, Colette?

Oh, brilliant.

Just started working on a wee
breathy Selena Gomez-style track.

Selena Gonad, mair like.

THEY LAUGH

Nah, I'm only joking.

I dae like a wee breathy number
myself, actually.

Oh, he does. Wouldn't be the first
time he said to me,

BREATHY VOICE: talk to me
that breathy way.

BREATHY VOICE: We dae that.

Darren loves it when I dae it.

Dae I?

I just, er, brush his ear
wi my lips

and it really gets him going.

That's too shrill to be sexy.

It's got to be breathy, but smoky.

CROAKY VOICE: That's the way
I dae it.

I've been on the Benson & Hedges
diet, dead deep.

Tell them how much it turns you on,
Darren.

A lot.

NORMAL VOICE: Well...

Oh!

Rose.

You all right?

Aye.

Ah, good chat.

HE SIGHS

Come on.

HE SIGHS

Argh!

It's the wee things that kill ye.

Hiya, doll, how are you?

Mm.

Mm, is it all getting a wee bit
What Ever Happened To Baby Jane?

Cracking film.

Hi, Darren.

LAUGHTER FROM NEXT ROOM

Can be a bit much when they all
get together, eh?

A bit.
Mm.

Do you know? I think it is time
that Darren joined

our Sisterhood Of The Barely Coping
With The Stupid Loud Family.

Hand in. Sisters. Sisters.

Sisters.

ALL: Whoo!

Mm. I've heard that having a bit
of muscle can be really beneficial

to your health as you get older.
That's true.

Mm. So, if I wanted to add muscle...

No, wait a minute.

I'm no sure I would be intae that.

How? I see lassies on Instagram
daeing weights.

I think it's a really sexy look.

It is.
Er, whit? It is?

How, who have you seen
that looks sexy?

The trap is sprung.

She's got you there, Darren.

I just meant it is as in...

..it is. Like, what's the point
in worrying aboot anything

when everything just...

..it is?

He's a philosopher noo.

The bold Cockrates ower there.

With everything rosy in the garden
with Vincent,

it means that I can devote myself
more fully to one of

my favourite pastimes -
winding up Colette.

So, Darren, I was thinking that
I could come to your gym

and you could show me
some good form. No.

Why not, Colette?

Well, because you shouldnae
do business with family.

What are you talking aboot?

Vonny's money is better
aff going into Darren's pocket.

His client list is full right noo.

Naw.

Er, Darren, "it is".

Laura, you were talking about
teaching yoga.

I was. Namaste.

Well, you should book
an appointment with Darren.

I'm sure he could help you
get deeper into your downward dug.

Naw.

You just said that the money
would be better off in his pocket.

Well, you shouldnae dae business
with family.

Anyway, if anybody is training
wi Darren, it should be Henry.

It would be good for him.

I'd rather get another tonne
of rubble dropped on me.

I have thought it would
have been murder for you,

being laid up like this.

Stopped short of murder so far.

He's normally so...

I don't want to say controlling,

but that's definitely the word.

And noo he cannae even
control his airm

into the sleeve of his ain jumper.

Isn't it ironic?

Hey!

BOTH: # It's like rain
on your wedding day

# It's a free ride
when you've already paid... #

THEY CACKLE

It's weird seeing yous two
pure loved up.

Aye, that's wan word for that.

It's like that bit in The Exorcist

when the wee lassie walks doon
the stair backwards, like a crab.

It's just no right.

Aye, is that right?

Well, things have been going so well
in the bedroom lately,

I'm surprised Vonny isnae the one
walking aboot backwards like a crab.

VONNY LAUGHS

Well, I'm surprised I can walk
at all maist of the time, actually.

Jesus Christ!

My sexy ex-dentist.

Aye, you got a wee cavity
you're needing filled there?

Oh, boak!

HE MIMICS VOMITING

Mm-hm.

VONNY: Mm, this is delicious, Laura.

Hey, would you like my last bit
here, delicious?

Oh, yes, please.

Mm.
Mm.

BOTH: Mm!

BOTH: Mm!

Darren.
Mm?

Can I have your last bit?

My last bit of what?

Dinner.

These wee bits of rice?

Aye.

Naw, naw, naw.

Wi your fingers, Darren.

PLATE SQUEAKS

Oh, wonderful!

Wonderful.

So great to have yous here,
having this sexy couple tournament,

or whatever it is.

Obviously, we need to join in,
Laura.

Obviously, we don't.

There we are. Do you want to lick
some of this aff my airm?

We cannae be the boring wans again.

Fine, fine.

Mm!

Oh!

Oh, Laura!

Mm!

Mm! Oh!

Mm!

Who's sexy noo?

Is it you?

Yous are actually an embarrassment.

Yeah, I'm embarrassed for me
right now.

Aye, well, maybe if you sobered up
for two minutes,

you'd realise you have a lot
to be embarrassed aboot.

Oh, he's letting loose tonight!

Aye, nearly as loose
as his hair weave.

Hey, I'm an innocent bystander here.

"Oh, my hair plugs didnae take,
Henry!

"Oh, my da didnae love me!

"Oh, my wife hates me!"

You're insufferable, mate!

Wait.

My da didnae love me?

And we're supposed to all
be so happy that you and Vonny

are in love again.

Yay! Bullshit!

We all know that yous will be at
each other's throats

in a week's time.

He's nailed it there.

Oh, I've got plenty of nails for you
as well, ya mad Terrahawk.

There's a nail.

This donkey scrotum
stretched ower an Action Man here

is getting his jaw spun
tae fund your music career?

Er, a sound investment.

You're 36!

You're no gonnae be a pop star.

At best, you'll be daeing Adele
tribute nights doon the Masonic.

I'd go to that.

I think you should have mair
respect for your sister's talents.

And I think you should have
mair respect for sleeves.

You're too auld
and your music is shite.

Get a job!

And yous, your marriage is a joke
and you're a pair of fannies.

Get a divorce.

Enough!

Blood running doon the walls.

I think I'll just go and pour
myself an enormous glass of wine

and leave you to sit here
and feel sorry for yourself.

DARREN EXHALES

Just like his daddy.

I was out of order.

I'm the one that's meant
to keep this family thegither.

I cannae be lashing oot at them.

But there was a wee bit mair
going on with my condition

than I had let on.

I saw the doctor today.

She's no convinced I'll
be back on the building site.

Ah, right.

I havenae told your mum yet.

Been keeping it bottled up.

That in there was you bottled up?

HE CHUCKLES

Straight oot of school
intae an apprenticeship.

Loved being up on the roofs.

Early in the morning, sun rising,
you can see the whole city.

You're a working man,

Every minute that goes by,
you're making money for your family,

it is the best feeling.

HE SIGHS

The only days I ever missed my work
was for you two arriving.

If I'm no working...

..I don't know who I am.

I don't know Dad at work.

I only know Dad at home.
And that's the Dad I love.

This is selfish, but when I heard
you were gonnae be in the house

for a while, I was happy.

HE CHUCKLES

Why?

Because this might be my
last summer at home

and it's extra time with you
I would never have had.

HE SIGHS

Mon. Let's go.

There's music to be faced.

HE SIGHS

Hopefully no Aunt Colette's.

Yass!
HE CHUCKLES

Oh, there's nothing quite like
that slow, guilty walk

back into the room after you've
tore your entire family a new hole.

It wisnae good news
at the doctor the day, Laura.

Right, get a beer in whatever haun
of his still works.

HE SIGHS

What she actually said
was that...

..it's likely that I'll never...

..scaffold again.

Oh, Henry. Are you OK?

No really.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, everybody.

SHE LAUGHS

I'm sorry. I'm sorry!

It's just that sentence.

"I'll never scaffold again"!

SHE LAUGHS

Aye, it was mibbe a bit much.

"Oh, I'll never roughcast again."

LAUGHTER

"I'll never pull another slate
aff an old school roof."

LAUGHTER

"Oh, I'll never, erm, scaffold...

"..planks of wood..."

Naw. Blew it.

Henry, this is you
we're talking aboot.

They could chop your arms
and legs off

and you'd still be putting
up scaffolding with your teeth.

Colette, I shouldnae be saying
that stuff aboot your music.

I'll say it.

I should be supporting
my sister's passion.

Henry, do you think I take anything
you say aboot my songs seriously?

You think music ended
when Champagne Supernova faded oot.

And yous, if yous have rekindled
the fire,

I shouldnae be pouring cauld water
oan it.

Mate, the way we are these days,

it's a bucket of cauld water we're
needing flung oan us.

Like a pair of dugs, man.
Forget aboot it!

Understood.

Forgiven.

HE CLICKS FINGERS
Just like that.

That's family.

Maybe they're the wans that
are couple goals.

Right, who's for a wee bit
of tequila?

A wee bit?

When I start on tequila, I do not
stop until I'm eating the worm.

That's no way to talk about
Vincent's willy.

Oh-ho-ho!
Ho-ho!

Laura Scott!

Ya dirty wee midden!

Oh, I'm sorry, Vincent.

Naw, naw, naw, naw, naw.

Actually, I'm quite happy that
you've brought things round to me

here, Laura, because I actually have
something to say myself tonight.

Erm...

..Vondella Scott...

Her name's Vondella?

..will you...
SHE GASPS

..marry me again?

Oh, Vincent! Yes! Oh!

Oh!
Oh! Look at this!

Look at this! Come and see, come
and see, come and see, come and see,

come and see, come and see.
Look at this.

Jason, get through here,
we're having a party!

# Baby Jane, don't leave me
hanging on the line... #

I didnae see that coming
fae the bold yin.

Didnae see any of this coming.

# ..no-one to talk to... #

Absolutely amazing.
Isn't it?

Look at the size of it.
I know! Look at that.

I'll tell you who else didn't
see it coming -

Moira.

Or was she talking about
that version of The Shining where

Jack Nicholson sings Rod Stewart
on karaoke with his family?

# I used to think you were
on my side

# But now I'm no longer... #

I'm late.

Late for whit?

You don't need to take that job
for my benefit.

I never thought you'd turn into
such an unsupportive...

..shite.

Oh, she's swearing at me noo.

It's the big day!

This is your seat here,
right beside my da's chinos.

SHE GASPS

Oh, my God, Vonny, you look amazing!

Vincent, whit's wrang?
You got cauld feet?

Uncle Vincent's refusing to
come out the swan.

There we go.