The Scotts (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Episode #1.2 - full transcript
This programme contains adult humour
A wee boys' night.
CHEERING
I'll have a girls' night.
This is nice, Laura.
Nice panties, Joe Exotic!
Everything aboot you is false.
Things aren't great between
Vincent and Vonny right now.
Yous don't actually think that
me and Eilidh are...?
ALL: Aye.
I'm losing my wife, boys.
Surprise!
SHOUTING AND LAUGHTER
Right, Darren, tights.
I've always wanted to be a pop star.
MUSIC PLAYS
This is a guid yin.
I've always been in wee bands
and that.
Get a wee beat, a wee build-up.
Right, ready?
Right, haud it straight.
But noo it's time tae get serious.
# I went from provy cheques
to Posh and Becks
# From popping the meter
to hanging out with Peter
# Dinklage, I mean Tyrion Lannister
# See me at a party, I'll be
sliding doon the banister... #
SHE HOLDS NOTE
Darren, you've ripped the tights!
Sorry. Sorry.
Look, I need the tights
or my Ps will pop.
I'll get another pair.
Och, just forget it.
Whit? It sounds good.
It's pure amateur hour.
Old tights, having to stoap
whenever the ice cream van goes by.
Well, you don't need to buy a cone
EVERY time it comes roond.
I mean the noise.
The noise ruins the recording.
Look, I need a professional
home studio in here,
somewhere I can go whenever
the muse whispers in my ear.
The only person whispering in
Colette's ear is Ronald McDonald.
How can we get a home studio
in here?
We dinnae even have room
for my trophy cabinet.
You never shut up aboot me
flinging oot thae trophies.
Look, I telt yae,
you'll win them all again.
I'll win the tae kwon do
under 12 juniors trophy again?
Listen, Darren, wae my music,
I can make a dream life for us.
And your personal training stuff,
it's nice, but...
..it's only ever gonnae be
a piddly wee amount of money.
You ever heard of the shite ceiling?
Naw.
Look, when you started oot,
you made shite money, right?
Right.
Even if you dae this
for another 20 year,
the best you can hope for is
kinda shite.
That's the ceiling.
HE SIGHS
I get you.
Noo, I want you to visualise
my music taking aff,
and my heid bursting right through
that ceiling.
You want me to visualise your heid
bursting through a ceiling
made of shite?
In't it beautiful?
HE SIGHS
Well, if you want a studio,
you'll get a studio.
Come here. Oh!
I have nae idea
how to pay for this studio.
HE SIGHS
Erin phoned.
She's coming home from uni
in a couple of weeks.
Oh, is she? Mm-hm.
Do you think that my old exam
results could still get me into uni?
Why would you want to go to uni
in your 40s,
and hang aboot wae Erin and her
pals?
Bunch of wee Torquils
and Sebastians,
skin-tight mustard troosers,
bollocks and kneecaps sticking oot
everywhere. I bet they would
think I was cool.
Wee bumbag, wee side pony.
Oh, aye.
"Pleased to meet you, Laura.
"I'm Menzies, the male feminist.
"Would you like to come up to my
bedsit and read some erotic poetry?"
SHE CHUCKLES
DOORBELL RINGS
Now, I might be a cash-rich
industry disruptor,
with an explosive career narrative,
but I like to remind myself
that I came fae nothing.
That's why I like to pop in
and visit Henry and Laura.
Visiting us is one of the few things
that Vincent and Vonny
actually do together.
We need to encourage them to
stop leading these separate lives.
Well, nice side pony, Tracy Beaker,
but Vonny has got no interest
in my interests.
Oh, excuse me if I don't want to
spend my nights watching
middle-aged Brazilians getting
their man boobs vacuumed on YouTube.
Well, excuse me if I don't want
to spend MY time getting hammered
and watching Cabaret.
I mean, I dae want to dae that,
but no three times a week.
It's twice a week at most.
And did I not offer to go to
that lip pumpers party
with you in Birmingham?
There you go.
Laura, I am not gonnae take Vonny
to an augmentation industry
conference.
Why not?
Cos she would just make snide
remarks.
She would heckle all the speakers.
I mean, I would rather take
Morrissey to a bullfight.
SHE GASPS
I mean, me and Henry
do everything together.
See, Vincent?
I told you it could be worse.
Right, well, I've got something
we can all dae thegither.
Colette's just aff the phone,
and you'll no believe
what she said. Whit?
I decided the best way
to boost Colette's studio funds
would be to take on a fight.
It'll be my first fight in ages.
But I'll be keeping my haund in.
Keeping your haund in
a jar of Nutella, maybe.
I'm kidding on!
I'm absolutely buzzing aboot this.
Stauner McGregor has got a fight.
VONNY GASPS
A real fight?
Aye. No like the time
he used you as a baby wipe?
Naw, an actual fight.
Big family night oot here! Ah!
All that violence,
people baying for blood.
Actually, this will be right up
your street, like a date night.
We could turn up looking amazing!
Yeah, girl, aye, blow away all thae
blando square nuts
with their 15 quid Boohoo shoes
and their Primark dresses.
Nae offence, Laura.
A bit of glamorous violence
does float my boat.
What if he gets hurt?
That's the main reason to go!
Aye, to applaud every single punch
to that dyed black beard, man.
Boom!
You really want him to get beat?
Beat? I'm hoping he gets that
big, daft, pirate-in-a-porno heid
booted right aff his neck.
I thought you were all pals
after your boys' night.
Right, wan step at a time, Laura.
He sat on that couch last week
wearing a vest.
Oh, God! Vest obsessed?
If you looked at him fae the side,
you could see his nipples.
And?
If a guy is coming intae my hoose,
it should be impossible to see
his nipples fae any angle.
Stop going on about
Darren's nipples!
Laura, haud on, Henry does have
a point aboot the vest thing.
I mean, this is a man's hoose,
no Nakatomi Plaza.
Well, there'll be no vest
at the fight.
Darren will be in
nothing but his pants,
which pretty much seals the deal
for me.
Two tickets, please. Yes!
Yass! That's another ticket sold.
See, that's Darren's problem.
He's only thinking aboot
how to sell the next ticket.
I'm thinking aboot how to sell
the next 10,000 tickets.
If you really want to shift
tickets, you need to
start promoting yersel.
The fists may win you the titles,
but it's the mooth
that sells the tickets.
Whit's the name of the wee guy
you're fighting?
Jack Piper.
Right. Noo, imagine that I am
filming a wee promo video of you
trash-talking Jack Piper. Let's go.
HE SIGHS
Dae it before I trash-talk you.
Jack, you and me are both
excellent technicians.
You're selling a fight,
no a lab coat.
Try this.
Jack Piper, you're an arse wiper.
You're nothing but a stupid...
Jack's a nice guy.
You're fighting him,
no firing intae him!
Jack, I respect you...
Naw! You don't respect him!
Look, get personal, slag his
girlfriend, call her a cow.
I am not saying that!
Right, listen tae me.
Jack Piper, arse wiper,
you think you're gonnae beat me
and take all the money back tae yer
wee cow of a girlfriend?
Thinks she's brilliant on Facebook
wae pictures of her wee, tiny waist
that she's been up all night
Photoshopping,
covered in Gucci that she bought
for 20 quid fae AliExpress.
She's a cow, she's a bint, and
she pulls willies for glass cheques!
Yae dae know I'm fighting Jack,
and no his girlfriend, aye?
HE SIGHS
BELL RINGS
TRIUMPHANT MUSIC
MUSIC FADES
VINCENT WHISTLES
Oh, hiya!
Hey, hey!
Are you nervous?
Oh, just call me Mrs Cadbury.
My arse has been making buttons
all day. Eugh!
Right, come oan, everybody,
seats ower here.
Vonny, you look beautiful!
MUSIC: Lose Yourself
by Eminem
MUSIC: C'est La Vie
by B*Witched
Right. Mm.
Ah!
Noo, Vonny, are we the best-looking
couple in here or whit?
Well, you can only beat
what's in front of you,
but, aye, we do look good.
Well, you might look good,
but I look magnifique.
YOU look better?
You're punching, mate,
everybody tells me that.
You do look good in that clobber,
right enough.
Oh, aye? Mm.
You like this? Mm-hm.
You want a better look?
SHE CHUCKLES
What are you doing?
Ah.
Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm!
SHE LAUGHS
Stop it!
Right, let's see you, then.
Oh, Laura's up.
Oh, aye, oh, aye. Here we go.
WHISTLES
Very nice.
See? I can tell already
it's gonnae be a good night.
And dae yae know what would
make it even better?
A cheeky wee wager.
Here, here, I'm gonnae see
if anybody fancies losing money
on that big Jack Sparrow
tribute act.
Oh. You want in?
Oh, aye.
Here, Vonny... Hey, sh!
I don't want Laura to hear.
Ah, right. Aye.
INAUDIBLE
BELL RINGS
So, the fights start,
and it's awful.
BLOWS LAND, CROWD GROAN
The promoter said he was going to
throw me out if I kept screaming,
"Stop the fight."
Oh, yeah. I was...appalled.
Kick him in the head!
Punch him in the willy!
BELL RINGS
Oh, my God!
APPLAUSE
BOOING
So, er, that's a nice number two
you've got there.
I love number twos.
I don't mean doing number twos,
I just mean I like the shape of a...
..like, a nice, big...
..number two.
Mm.
Just tae re-emphasise,
I'm talking aboot that number two,
and not the ones that...
..come out your bum.
Come on. Selfie.
Hi!
Oh, there she is!
Bring it in, Eazy-E.
They were having such a nice night,
and Vincent spoiled it.
Why is he bringing Eilidh to
another night out with his wife?
Oh! Oh!
Boom.
What are you daein'?!
COLETTE: I've just remembered
what the dry boak feels like.
JASON: That's, like, one of
the coolest things I've ever seen
in my life.
Oh, beautiful!
COLETTE: He calls her Eazy-E?
I'd love to know what Difficult-V
makes of that one.
So, Eilidh? Mm-hm?
What brings you here?
Er, I bought her a ticket.
Of course he did.
And I'll tell you for why,
because riddle me this -
who goes to see fights?
Ding! I know.
Gangsters.
Exactly, gangsters.
Lowlives and their wives.
Er, dae yae want tae
keep your voice doon?
You know what I mean, though,
shite wae money.
And that's why I've got
the 10% off vouchers
to go and visit the god of glam
himself.
You're gonnae walk aboot
asking gangsters' wives
if they want their face fixed?
You'll be the one needing
your face fixed, ya mad Dib Dab.
She'll be fine!
She is a wee charmer, this one.
I mean, look at her.
She's irresistible!
I'll tell you what's irresistible -
the urge to spin his jaw.
You don't treat your wife like that.
If that was Darren acting like that,
his baws would be grappling
wae the blades of his NutriBullet.
What's that weird hand thing
that they did?
I was the best ensemble dancer
in the West End for ten years,
and he is practising
the Portuguese finger flamenco
with wee Pepper Potts?
I will cut his hands off
and post them to Moira!
I will lick the stamp.
Do you know what the worst part
of it was? There were at least
ten worst parts of it.
People feeling embarrassed for me.
Screw that. Vonny Scott feels
embarrassed for other people.
Too right. I feel embarrassed for
you, Laura, do you know what I mean?
Eh? Vonny Scott does not
get other woman-ed.
I am both THE woman
and the other woman,
and if there was yet another woman
on the side,
I would be her as well,
do you know what I'm saying?
You're every woman? I am Chaka Khan.
LAURA GASPS
# Chaka Khan
Chaka Khan
# Chaka Khan
# Chaka Khan
Chaka Khan
# Let me rock you, let me rock you,
Chaka Khan
# It's all I wanna do
Let me rock you, Chaka Khan. #
That felt like fun at the time,
but on reflection,
it was a total cringe.
Do you know? Henry has his flaws,
but he would never do that.
He is fundamentally
a decent guy.
But do you know what he did today,
when I talked about going to uni?
He laughed.
Like, he can't see me as anything
other than a housewife.
That is exactly what I'm saying -
Henry is fundamentally an arsehole!
Oh, how did we get tied to
these ridiculous men?!
I mean, we are magnificent women.
Yeah.
Girl power.
Right sentiment, doll,
wrong millennium. Come on.
Look, I only said
the lassie was great.
Yae cannae dae that.
Your wife might accept you
telling her another woman is great
if it's your granny
or wee Jean fae the pub,
who's raised thousands of pounds
for the Beatson,
but no' when it's your attractive,
young secretary
who everybody thinks
you're shagging!
What, even if she IS great?
Especially if she is great!
VINCENT SIGHS
I think a mair honest promo video
would have been,
"Jack Piper, I'm absolutely
shiting myself."
You know, behind every great man
is an even greater wumman,
wae a powerful
yet vulnerable singing voice
that can spit oot venomous rhymes
that she wrote herself
and doesnae take any snash
fae Lynn Weir
or her manky midge-raking family.
That's my favourite quote.
Darren, listen tae me.
Who's the champ?
You are.
Wrong. Who's the champ?
Are you talking aboot the UFC?
You're the champ, Darren.
Aw, right, aye, me. I'm the champ.
Yes, and who's got the hunger?
Is that you?
No, that's you as well.
You're the champ and
you've got the hunger.
OK. And who is the most
dangerous man in the history
of the whole fight game?
Khabib Nurmagomedov.
Och, you meant me again, didn't you?
HE SIGHS
Darren, look at me.
You are gonnae win this.
Noo this wumman is gonnae go
and sing for her baby.
# I forget myself
# I want you to remind me
# Oh, I don't want anybody else... #
Oh, no this again!
# When I think about you,
I touch myself... #
Come on noo,
your nephew's sitting there!
There's a wee boy here.
# Oh-oh, oh-oh... #
I'm 23.
# I don't want anybody else
# When I think about you,
I touch myself
# Oh, oh
# I touch myself. #
FEEDBACK
The name's Colette Scott.
New music comin' oot this year.
Just DM me on Instagram
for personal appearances.
Peace out!
SCATTERED APPLAUSE
Come on, Darren, you big ride!
Oh, so she's allowed to say that,
is she?
Here are the only things a wife is
allowed to call a big ride.
One, a horse.
Two, a roller-coaster.
Three, her husband.
Four, Tom Hardy, because, come on,
let's be reasonable.
Good, clean fight.
Protect yourselves at all times.
Nothing below the belt, OK?
Yous know the rules.
APPLAUSE
Look at the physique on that guy!
He looks like you dae
in yer ain heid.
Darren's gonnae die.
THEY CHUCKLE
LAURA TUTS
Come on, Darren, son.
BELL RINGS
CROWD GROANS
Oh, ya basturt!
CROWD GROANS
Oh, my God!
CROWD GROANS
Holy shit!
Er, here, that big ride came
tae a sudden halt, didn't it?
That was everything I'd hoped for.
I tell you, last time I seen
a stauner go doon that fast
was when my ma caught me
watching Basic Instinct.
Vincent, shut up.
It was like Lord Of The Dance...
..if Darren's face was the stage
and Jack Piper's fists
were Michael Flatley's feet.
Is that a doctor?
He's all right.
He'll be all right.
DARREN COUGHS
Oh, thank God.
APPLAUSE
Bravo. Bravo.
You quite happy with that, then?
Naw.
I felt bad.
I thought it would be a laugh
to see him get a doing, but...
..I forgot how bad
a doing can be.
You were hoping he'd
get his face punched in.
Look, mibbe Vincent wanted him
to lose,
but I really wanted him to win.
Bro, so, big Dwayne "The Cock"
Johnson might have got beat,
but we didnae, pal.
Here's your winnings.
Any thoughts oan the next fight?
Aye, I think you've just caused it.
Whit did I say tae yae? Aye...
Whit did I say tae yae?!
Mrs Scott,
every voucher's been snatched up.
Between you and me, though,
the women in here,
their lips are so thin that their
noses are practically bouncing
off of their falsers.
Mm.
Well, let me bounce this off you.
Are you sleeping with my husband?
Er...
I don't know why
you would ask me that.
Oh! Well, I don't know why
you would both spend every day
flirting on the front desk.
I don't know why you're doing
touchy-feely hand shit.
There are a lot of unknowns here,
but the biggest one
being whether or not
you're a wee pump-the-boss.
Mrs Scott, I am absolutely not
a wee pump-the-boss,
if I'm understanding
the meaning of that.
I mean, yes, I stan Vincent.
You "stan" him?
I am a complete professional.
I just do my job.
Handing out flyers
in a scabby town hall
dressed as Betty Boop
isn't your job.
Oh, but it is, Mrs Scott.
I'll do whatever it takes
until the name Vincent Scott MD
is known worldwide.
Oh, my God.
You even talk like him.
That's because I believe in
what we're doing.
That's why I'm so excited aboot
the conference in Birmingham.
It's going to give me
a chance to learn...
Wait, you're going to
that conference with Vincent?
I thought you knew.
I do not stan myself right now.
I could quite happily yeet myself
into a bin.
Laura.
So, you're taking your wee Eazy-E
to that conference
in Birmingham, mm?
What, the one he didn't want you
to go to? The very one, gorgeous.
This is no how this night
was supposed to go.
Right, I know it looks like
I'm sneaking my assistant away
to an intimate boutique hotel
for three days. Intimate?!
It's one of thae things,
"Oh, turns out we've got
adjoining rooms, very cosy."
Vincent, stoap talking.
Champagne on ice, "Oh, maybe
I should run you a wee bath,"
and then it's, "I've actually
got you a little gift,
"it's some red lingerie..."
Vincent, stoap talking.
I don't know why I'm painting you
this picture here,
because that's no what it is.
She is my protege, that's it.
"Protege"!
Vincent, you aren't Prince.
You might be his height,
but that's about it!
Well, Vonny, do you want to know
why Eilidh is gonnae be
accompanying me to that confidence?
"Accompanying"! Ha-ha-ha-ha!
HENRY: Choose your words carefully.
Passion.
Mair carefully than that.
She is passionate aboot my work.
You are bored of my work.
And you... You're bored of me.
And quite frankly, Vonny,
I am bored of you.
SHE GASPS
You're bored of Vonny Scott?
Well, I will bore you
a second arsehole
with the heel of my Louboutins.
You have no idea how lucky you got
landing me!
Oh, is that right?
Well, I am a self-made
small business titan
on a millionaire trajectory.
I am Mr Vincent Scott MD.
Ha! You're not even a real MD,
you're a dentist.
Don't...
I am a doctor of beauty.
Dentist!
You're a little bald dentist!
Vonny... Everybody bin your flyers,
Vincent Scott MD is a bald dentist!
And this jumped-up dancer here,
when she got her dream gig
choreographing a West End show,
it was such a disaster.
A catastrophe.
It was cancelled
efter four performances!
You bastard.
You have no idea
what you've got here!
You truly are the one
who is punching, Vincent.
You're punching.
Do you know what?
You're right.
SHOCKED GASPS
Best punch of the night.
Henry, can you go and see
if Darren's all right?
I'm too scared to go.
I think Vincent might be
in worse shape, to be honest.
Henry, can you just go, please?
What help am I gonnae be?
I arrange my ma's party,
it turns intae a rammy.
I arrange a boys' night for Vincent,
he has an emotional breakdown.
I get everybody oot the night,
and look what's happened.
Am I actually daeing any good
for this family?
You all right?
I just got straight oot skelped
there.
Wasnae exactly Thrilla in Manila
was it?
Naw, it was mair like
Shiter in Shawlands.
Still, it's a payday.
Aye. 500 quid.
There was another 500 for the win.
HE SIGHS
I knew it was too short notice.
So why did you take it oan, then?
Because I want to see Colette's heid
bursting through that shitey carpet,
you know?
Whit?
I need money to build her
a home studio for her music career.
You soften on a guy when he puts
his body in the firing line
so that your sister
can chase her dream,
even if you know that your
sister is Wile E Coyote
and the dream is the Road Runner.
Well, that's devotion.
You'd do the same for Laura.
I don't know.
Have you heard Laura try to sing?
Naw.
I've seen you try to fight but.
Oh! That was quite quick for you,
Darren.
Mibbe a wee bit of brain damage
will sharpen you up.
Oh!
A lot mair people than Darren
would need to get punched silly
before Colette has a music career.
But you've got to dae your bit
for family.
Here, listen, I sold a bunch
of tickets tae the boys in the work,
so stick that in your bin anaw.
Cheers, Henry, I appreciate it.
Right, mon, let's go see your fans.
HE WINCES
Come on.
Let's go.
HE WINCES
Oh, my baby!
Look at you.
Still beautiful.
Mair beautiful.
HE WINCES
Oh! Where's it sore?
Just all the punched bits.
Your lips?
There's definite discomfort
in the lips.
Mm, mm-mm.
Here, nae mair tights
ower the mic for you.
JASON YELLS
Right, come on noo, you two,
get oot that ring.
JASON YELLS
Woo!
Oh, no! Argh!
Oh, yeah!
Am I surprised that instead of
coming after me to try and fix this,
he climbs into the ring
with his nephew
to practise his favourite
wrestling moves?
Oh, yeah, oh, yeah!
BOTH YELL
I'm not surprised at all.
But it will be a surprise for him
when he comes home
to find his PlayStation 5
in the Aga
and no Vonny Scott in his bed.
This is over.
One!
Two!
HENRY: You'd better be selling Avon,
Vonny!
Laura, can I stay with you
a few days?
HE MOUTHS
I know you've taken her in,
ya backstabbing beanpole.
What's this?
It's a massager.
"MASSAGER" VIBRATES
Oh!
Vonny staying here is, like,
my dad's worst nightmare.
This is gonnae be brilliant.
A wee boys' night.
CHEERING
I'll have a girls' night.
This is nice, Laura.
Nice panties, Joe Exotic!
Everything aboot you is false.
Things aren't great between
Vincent and Vonny right now.
Yous don't actually think that
me and Eilidh are...?
ALL: Aye.
I'm losing my wife, boys.
Surprise!
SHOUTING AND LAUGHTER
Right, Darren, tights.
I've always wanted to be a pop star.
MUSIC PLAYS
This is a guid yin.
I've always been in wee bands
and that.
Get a wee beat, a wee build-up.
Right, ready?
Right, haud it straight.
But noo it's time tae get serious.
# I went from provy cheques
to Posh and Becks
# From popping the meter
to hanging out with Peter
# Dinklage, I mean Tyrion Lannister
# See me at a party, I'll be
sliding doon the banister... #
SHE HOLDS NOTE
Darren, you've ripped the tights!
Sorry. Sorry.
Look, I need the tights
or my Ps will pop.
I'll get another pair.
Och, just forget it.
Whit? It sounds good.
It's pure amateur hour.
Old tights, having to stoap
whenever the ice cream van goes by.
Well, you don't need to buy a cone
EVERY time it comes roond.
I mean the noise.
The noise ruins the recording.
Look, I need a professional
home studio in here,
somewhere I can go whenever
the muse whispers in my ear.
The only person whispering in
Colette's ear is Ronald McDonald.
How can we get a home studio
in here?
We dinnae even have room
for my trophy cabinet.
You never shut up aboot me
flinging oot thae trophies.
Look, I telt yae,
you'll win them all again.
I'll win the tae kwon do
under 12 juniors trophy again?
Listen, Darren, wae my music,
I can make a dream life for us.
And your personal training stuff,
it's nice, but...
..it's only ever gonnae be
a piddly wee amount of money.
You ever heard of the shite ceiling?
Naw.
Look, when you started oot,
you made shite money, right?
Right.
Even if you dae this
for another 20 year,
the best you can hope for is
kinda shite.
That's the ceiling.
HE SIGHS
I get you.
Noo, I want you to visualise
my music taking aff,
and my heid bursting right through
that ceiling.
You want me to visualise your heid
bursting through a ceiling
made of shite?
In't it beautiful?
HE SIGHS
Well, if you want a studio,
you'll get a studio.
Come here. Oh!
I have nae idea
how to pay for this studio.
HE SIGHS
Erin phoned.
She's coming home from uni
in a couple of weeks.
Oh, is she? Mm-hm.
Do you think that my old exam
results could still get me into uni?
Why would you want to go to uni
in your 40s,
and hang aboot wae Erin and her
pals?
Bunch of wee Torquils
and Sebastians,
skin-tight mustard troosers,
bollocks and kneecaps sticking oot
everywhere. I bet they would
think I was cool.
Wee bumbag, wee side pony.
Oh, aye.
"Pleased to meet you, Laura.
"I'm Menzies, the male feminist.
"Would you like to come up to my
bedsit and read some erotic poetry?"
SHE CHUCKLES
DOORBELL RINGS
Now, I might be a cash-rich
industry disruptor,
with an explosive career narrative,
but I like to remind myself
that I came fae nothing.
That's why I like to pop in
and visit Henry and Laura.
Visiting us is one of the few things
that Vincent and Vonny
actually do together.
We need to encourage them to
stop leading these separate lives.
Well, nice side pony, Tracy Beaker,
but Vonny has got no interest
in my interests.
Oh, excuse me if I don't want to
spend my nights watching
middle-aged Brazilians getting
their man boobs vacuumed on YouTube.
Well, excuse me if I don't want
to spend MY time getting hammered
and watching Cabaret.
I mean, I dae want to dae that,
but no three times a week.
It's twice a week at most.
And did I not offer to go to
that lip pumpers party
with you in Birmingham?
There you go.
Laura, I am not gonnae take Vonny
to an augmentation industry
conference.
Why not?
Cos she would just make snide
remarks.
She would heckle all the speakers.
I mean, I would rather take
Morrissey to a bullfight.
SHE GASPS
I mean, me and Henry
do everything together.
See, Vincent?
I told you it could be worse.
Right, well, I've got something
we can all dae thegither.
Colette's just aff the phone,
and you'll no believe
what she said. Whit?
I decided the best way
to boost Colette's studio funds
would be to take on a fight.
It'll be my first fight in ages.
But I'll be keeping my haund in.
Keeping your haund in
a jar of Nutella, maybe.
I'm kidding on!
I'm absolutely buzzing aboot this.
Stauner McGregor has got a fight.
VONNY GASPS
A real fight?
Aye. No like the time
he used you as a baby wipe?
Naw, an actual fight.
Big family night oot here! Ah!
All that violence,
people baying for blood.
Actually, this will be right up
your street, like a date night.
We could turn up looking amazing!
Yeah, girl, aye, blow away all thae
blando square nuts
with their 15 quid Boohoo shoes
and their Primark dresses.
Nae offence, Laura.
A bit of glamorous violence
does float my boat.
What if he gets hurt?
That's the main reason to go!
Aye, to applaud every single punch
to that dyed black beard, man.
Boom!
You really want him to get beat?
Beat? I'm hoping he gets that
big, daft, pirate-in-a-porno heid
booted right aff his neck.
I thought you were all pals
after your boys' night.
Right, wan step at a time, Laura.
He sat on that couch last week
wearing a vest.
Oh, God! Vest obsessed?
If you looked at him fae the side,
you could see his nipples.
And?
If a guy is coming intae my hoose,
it should be impossible to see
his nipples fae any angle.
Stop going on about
Darren's nipples!
Laura, haud on, Henry does have
a point aboot the vest thing.
I mean, this is a man's hoose,
no Nakatomi Plaza.
Well, there'll be no vest
at the fight.
Darren will be in
nothing but his pants,
which pretty much seals the deal
for me.
Two tickets, please. Yes!
Yass! That's another ticket sold.
See, that's Darren's problem.
He's only thinking aboot
how to sell the next ticket.
I'm thinking aboot how to sell
the next 10,000 tickets.
If you really want to shift
tickets, you need to
start promoting yersel.
The fists may win you the titles,
but it's the mooth
that sells the tickets.
Whit's the name of the wee guy
you're fighting?
Jack Piper.
Right. Noo, imagine that I am
filming a wee promo video of you
trash-talking Jack Piper. Let's go.
HE SIGHS
Dae it before I trash-talk you.
Jack, you and me are both
excellent technicians.
You're selling a fight,
no a lab coat.
Try this.
Jack Piper, you're an arse wiper.
You're nothing but a stupid...
Jack's a nice guy.
You're fighting him,
no firing intae him!
Jack, I respect you...
Naw! You don't respect him!
Look, get personal, slag his
girlfriend, call her a cow.
I am not saying that!
Right, listen tae me.
Jack Piper, arse wiper,
you think you're gonnae beat me
and take all the money back tae yer
wee cow of a girlfriend?
Thinks she's brilliant on Facebook
wae pictures of her wee, tiny waist
that she's been up all night
Photoshopping,
covered in Gucci that she bought
for 20 quid fae AliExpress.
She's a cow, she's a bint, and
she pulls willies for glass cheques!
Yae dae know I'm fighting Jack,
and no his girlfriend, aye?
HE SIGHS
BELL RINGS
TRIUMPHANT MUSIC
MUSIC FADES
VINCENT WHISTLES
Oh, hiya!
Hey, hey!
Are you nervous?
Oh, just call me Mrs Cadbury.
My arse has been making buttons
all day. Eugh!
Right, come oan, everybody,
seats ower here.
Vonny, you look beautiful!
MUSIC: Lose Yourself
by Eminem
MUSIC: C'est La Vie
by B*Witched
Right. Mm.
Ah!
Noo, Vonny, are we the best-looking
couple in here or whit?
Well, you can only beat
what's in front of you,
but, aye, we do look good.
Well, you might look good,
but I look magnifique.
YOU look better?
You're punching, mate,
everybody tells me that.
You do look good in that clobber,
right enough.
Oh, aye? Mm.
You like this? Mm-hm.
You want a better look?
SHE CHUCKLES
What are you doing?
Ah.
Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm!
SHE LAUGHS
Stop it!
Right, let's see you, then.
Oh, Laura's up.
Oh, aye, oh, aye. Here we go.
WHISTLES
Very nice.
See? I can tell already
it's gonnae be a good night.
And dae yae know what would
make it even better?
A cheeky wee wager.
Here, here, I'm gonnae see
if anybody fancies losing money
on that big Jack Sparrow
tribute act.
Oh. You want in?
Oh, aye.
Here, Vonny... Hey, sh!
I don't want Laura to hear.
Ah, right. Aye.
INAUDIBLE
BELL RINGS
So, the fights start,
and it's awful.
BLOWS LAND, CROWD GROAN
The promoter said he was going to
throw me out if I kept screaming,
"Stop the fight."
Oh, yeah. I was...appalled.
Kick him in the head!
Punch him in the willy!
BELL RINGS
Oh, my God!
APPLAUSE
BOOING
So, er, that's a nice number two
you've got there.
I love number twos.
I don't mean doing number twos,
I just mean I like the shape of a...
..like, a nice, big...
..number two.
Mm.
Just tae re-emphasise,
I'm talking aboot that number two,
and not the ones that...
..come out your bum.
Come on. Selfie.
Hi!
Oh, there she is!
Bring it in, Eazy-E.
They were having such a nice night,
and Vincent spoiled it.
Why is he bringing Eilidh to
another night out with his wife?
Oh! Oh!
Boom.
What are you daein'?!
COLETTE: I've just remembered
what the dry boak feels like.
JASON: That's, like, one of
the coolest things I've ever seen
in my life.
Oh, beautiful!
COLETTE: He calls her Eazy-E?
I'd love to know what Difficult-V
makes of that one.
So, Eilidh? Mm-hm?
What brings you here?
Er, I bought her a ticket.
Of course he did.
And I'll tell you for why,
because riddle me this -
who goes to see fights?
Ding! I know.
Gangsters.
Exactly, gangsters.
Lowlives and their wives.
Er, dae yae want tae
keep your voice doon?
You know what I mean, though,
shite wae money.
And that's why I've got
the 10% off vouchers
to go and visit the god of glam
himself.
You're gonnae walk aboot
asking gangsters' wives
if they want their face fixed?
You'll be the one needing
your face fixed, ya mad Dib Dab.
She'll be fine!
She is a wee charmer, this one.
I mean, look at her.
She's irresistible!
I'll tell you what's irresistible -
the urge to spin his jaw.
You don't treat your wife like that.
If that was Darren acting like that,
his baws would be grappling
wae the blades of his NutriBullet.
What's that weird hand thing
that they did?
I was the best ensemble dancer
in the West End for ten years,
and he is practising
the Portuguese finger flamenco
with wee Pepper Potts?
I will cut his hands off
and post them to Moira!
I will lick the stamp.
Do you know what the worst part
of it was? There were at least
ten worst parts of it.
People feeling embarrassed for me.
Screw that. Vonny Scott feels
embarrassed for other people.
Too right. I feel embarrassed for
you, Laura, do you know what I mean?
Eh? Vonny Scott does not
get other woman-ed.
I am both THE woman
and the other woman,
and if there was yet another woman
on the side,
I would be her as well,
do you know what I'm saying?
You're every woman? I am Chaka Khan.
LAURA GASPS
# Chaka Khan
Chaka Khan
# Chaka Khan
# Chaka Khan
Chaka Khan
# Let me rock you, let me rock you,
Chaka Khan
# It's all I wanna do
Let me rock you, Chaka Khan. #
That felt like fun at the time,
but on reflection,
it was a total cringe.
Do you know? Henry has his flaws,
but he would never do that.
He is fundamentally
a decent guy.
But do you know what he did today,
when I talked about going to uni?
He laughed.
Like, he can't see me as anything
other than a housewife.
That is exactly what I'm saying -
Henry is fundamentally an arsehole!
Oh, how did we get tied to
these ridiculous men?!
I mean, we are magnificent women.
Yeah.
Girl power.
Right sentiment, doll,
wrong millennium. Come on.
Look, I only said
the lassie was great.
Yae cannae dae that.
Your wife might accept you
telling her another woman is great
if it's your granny
or wee Jean fae the pub,
who's raised thousands of pounds
for the Beatson,
but no' when it's your attractive,
young secretary
who everybody thinks
you're shagging!
What, even if she IS great?
Especially if she is great!
VINCENT SIGHS
I think a mair honest promo video
would have been,
"Jack Piper, I'm absolutely
shiting myself."
You know, behind every great man
is an even greater wumman,
wae a powerful
yet vulnerable singing voice
that can spit oot venomous rhymes
that she wrote herself
and doesnae take any snash
fae Lynn Weir
or her manky midge-raking family.
That's my favourite quote.
Darren, listen tae me.
Who's the champ?
You are.
Wrong. Who's the champ?
Are you talking aboot the UFC?
You're the champ, Darren.
Aw, right, aye, me. I'm the champ.
Yes, and who's got the hunger?
Is that you?
No, that's you as well.
You're the champ and
you've got the hunger.
OK. And who is the most
dangerous man in the history
of the whole fight game?
Khabib Nurmagomedov.
Och, you meant me again, didn't you?
HE SIGHS
Darren, look at me.
You are gonnae win this.
Noo this wumman is gonnae go
and sing for her baby.
# I forget myself
# I want you to remind me
# Oh, I don't want anybody else... #
Oh, no this again!
# When I think about you,
I touch myself... #
Come on noo,
your nephew's sitting there!
There's a wee boy here.
# Oh-oh, oh-oh... #
I'm 23.
# I don't want anybody else
# When I think about you,
I touch myself
# Oh, oh
# I touch myself. #
FEEDBACK
The name's Colette Scott.
New music comin' oot this year.
Just DM me on Instagram
for personal appearances.
Peace out!
SCATTERED APPLAUSE
Come on, Darren, you big ride!
Oh, so she's allowed to say that,
is she?
Here are the only things a wife is
allowed to call a big ride.
One, a horse.
Two, a roller-coaster.
Three, her husband.
Four, Tom Hardy, because, come on,
let's be reasonable.
Good, clean fight.
Protect yourselves at all times.
Nothing below the belt, OK?
Yous know the rules.
APPLAUSE
Look at the physique on that guy!
He looks like you dae
in yer ain heid.
Darren's gonnae die.
THEY CHUCKLE
LAURA TUTS
Come on, Darren, son.
BELL RINGS
CROWD GROANS
Oh, ya basturt!
CROWD GROANS
Oh, my God!
CROWD GROANS
Holy shit!
Er, here, that big ride came
tae a sudden halt, didn't it?
That was everything I'd hoped for.
I tell you, last time I seen
a stauner go doon that fast
was when my ma caught me
watching Basic Instinct.
Vincent, shut up.
It was like Lord Of The Dance...
..if Darren's face was the stage
and Jack Piper's fists
were Michael Flatley's feet.
Is that a doctor?
He's all right.
He'll be all right.
DARREN COUGHS
Oh, thank God.
APPLAUSE
Bravo. Bravo.
You quite happy with that, then?
Naw.
I felt bad.
I thought it would be a laugh
to see him get a doing, but...
..I forgot how bad
a doing can be.
You were hoping he'd
get his face punched in.
Look, mibbe Vincent wanted him
to lose,
but I really wanted him to win.
Bro, so, big Dwayne "The Cock"
Johnson might have got beat,
but we didnae, pal.
Here's your winnings.
Any thoughts oan the next fight?
Aye, I think you've just caused it.
Whit did I say tae yae? Aye...
Whit did I say tae yae?!
Mrs Scott,
every voucher's been snatched up.
Between you and me, though,
the women in here,
their lips are so thin that their
noses are practically bouncing
off of their falsers.
Mm.
Well, let me bounce this off you.
Are you sleeping with my husband?
Er...
I don't know why
you would ask me that.
Oh! Well, I don't know why
you would both spend every day
flirting on the front desk.
I don't know why you're doing
touchy-feely hand shit.
There are a lot of unknowns here,
but the biggest one
being whether or not
you're a wee pump-the-boss.
Mrs Scott, I am absolutely not
a wee pump-the-boss,
if I'm understanding
the meaning of that.
I mean, yes, I stan Vincent.
You "stan" him?
I am a complete professional.
I just do my job.
Handing out flyers
in a scabby town hall
dressed as Betty Boop
isn't your job.
Oh, but it is, Mrs Scott.
I'll do whatever it takes
until the name Vincent Scott MD
is known worldwide.
Oh, my God.
You even talk like him.
That's because I believe in
what we're doing.
That's why I'm so excited aboot
the conference in Birmingham.
It's going to give me
a chance to learn...
Wait, you're going to
that conference with Vincent?
I thought you knew.
I do not stan myself right now.
I could quite happily yeet myself
into a bin.
Laura.
So, you're taking your wee Eazy-E
to that conference
in Birmingham, mm?
What, the one he didn't want you
to go to? The very one, gorgeous.
This is no how this night
was supposed to go.
Right, I know it looks like
I'm sneaking my assistant away
to an intimate boutique hotel
for three days. Intimate?!
It's one of thae things,
"Oh, turns out we've got
adjoining rooms, very cosy."
Vincent, stoap talking.
Champagne on ice, "Oh, maybe
I should run you a wee bath,"
and then it's, "I've actually
got you a little gift,
"it's some red lingerie..."
Vincent, stoap talking.
I don't know why I'm painting you
this picture here,
because that's no what it is.
She is my protege, that's it.
"Protege"!
Vincent, you aren't Prince.
You might be his height,
but that's about it!
Well, Vonny, do you want to know
why Eilidh is gonnae be
accompanying me to that confidence?
"Accompanying"! Ha-ha-ha-ha!
HENRY: Choose your words carefully.
Passion.
Mair carefully than that.
She is passionate aboot my work.
You are bored of my work.
And you... You're bored of me.
And quite frankly, Vonny,
I am bored of you.
SHE GASPS
You're bored of Vonny Scott?
Well, I will bore you
a second arsehole
with the heel of my Louboutins.
You have no idea how lucky you got
landing me!
Oh, is that right?
Well, I am a self-made
small business titan
on a millionaire trajectory.
I am Mr Vincent Scott MD.
Ha! You're not even a real MD,
you're a dentist.
Don't...
I am a doctor of beauty.
Dentist!
You're a little bald dentist!
Vonny... Everybody bin your flyers,
Vincent Scott MD is a bald dentist!
And this jumped-up dancer here,
when she got her dream gig
choreographing a West End show,
it was such a disaster.
A catastrophe.
It was cancelled
efter four performances!
You bastard.
You have no idea
what you've got here!
You truly are the one
who is punching, Vincent.
You're punching.
Do you know what?
You're right.
SHOCKED GASPS
Best punch of the night.
Henry, can you go and see
if Darren's all right?
I'm too scared to go.
I think Vincent might be
in worse shape, to be honest.
Henry, can you just go, please?
What help am I gonnae be?
I arrange my ma's party,
it turns intae a rammy.
I arrange a boys' night for Vincent,
he has an emotional breakdown.
I get everybody oot the night,
and look what's happened.
Am I actually daeing any good
for this family?
You all right?
I just got straight oot skelped
there.
Wasnae exactly Thrilla in Manila
was it?
Naw, it was mair like
Shiter in Shawlands.
Still, it's a payday.
Aye. 500 quid.
There was another 500 for the win.
HE SIGHS
I knew it was too short notice.
So why did you take it oan, then?
Because I want to see Colette's heid
bursting through that shitey carpet,
you know?
Whit?
I need money to build her
a home studio for her music career.
You soften on a guy when he puts
his body in the firing line
so that your sister
can chase her dream,
even if you know that your
sister is Wile E Coyote
and the dream is the Road Runner.
Well, that's devotion.
You'd do the same for Laura.
I don't know.
Have you heard Laura try to sing?
Naw.
I've seen you try to fight but.
Oh! That was quite quick for you,
Darren.
Mibbe a wee bit of brain damage
will sharpen you up.
Oh!
A lot mair people than Darren
would need to get punched silly
before Colette has a music career.
But you've got to dae your bit
for family.
Here, listen, I sold a bunch
of tickets tae the boys in the work,
so stick that in your bin anaw.
Cheers, Henry, I appreciate it.
Right, mon, let's go see your fans.
HE WINCES
Come on.
Let's go.
HE WINCES
Oh, my baby!
Look at you.
Still beautiful.
Mair beautiful.
HE WINCES
Oh! Where's it sore?
Just all the punched bits.
Your lips?
There's definite discomfort
in the lips.
Mm, mm-mm.
Here, nae mair tights
ower the mic for you.
JASON YELLS
Right, come on noo, you two,
get oot that ring.
JASON YELLS
Woo!
Oh, no! Argh!
Oh, yeah!
Am I surprised that instead of
coming after me to try and fix this,
he climbs into the ring
with his nephew
to practise his favourite
wrestling moves?
Oh, yeah, oh, yeah!
BOTH YELL
I'm not surprised at all.
But it will be a surprise for him
when he comes home
to find his PlayStation 5
in the Aga
and no Vonny Scott in his bed.
This is over.
One!
Two!
HENRY: You'd better be selling Avon,
Vonny!
Laura, can I stay with you
a few days?
HE MOUTHS
I know you've taken her in,
ya backstabbing beanpole.
What's this?
It's a massager.
"MASSAGER" VIBRATES
Oh!
Vonny staying here is, like,
my dad's worst nightmare.
This is gonnae be brilliant.