The Scotts (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript

We're organising a surprise
70th birthday party for my ma,

and I want to invite you.

My ma gave Colette ten grand
to buy a new kitchen,

and Colette and her boyfriend
Stauner McGregor took that money

and went tae Disneyland with it.

You're uninvited.

You're barred!

I mean, it was obvious my Auntie
Colette was going to show up.

You, sit down.

Hey, hey, hey, that's it!

SHOUTING



Come on, Mammy, let's get you away
from these people.

This programme contains
adult humour

The pandemic gave the family

a lot of time to reflect on what
happened at my ma's party.

I've invited Colette and Vincent
over to hammer this oot.

No more fighting,
no more drinks in faces

and no more jokes aboot Disneyland.

So, Colette, when my ma gave you
that money for your kitchen,

would you say you were happy,

sneezy, grumpy, bashful...?

Och... Here, I thought
we weren't doing this.

It was never aboot Disneyland.

Oh, what was it aboot, then?

Darren. Yous never welcomed him
into the family.



The first time we met Darren,

he wore a pink vest
tae a christening.

I mean, what do you want me to say?

He's the nicest guy
I've ever went oot with.

Aye, by default, Colette,
because he's no a drug dealer.

And he wisnae so nice
when he attempted to assault me.

Attempted to assault you?

Succeeded to batter you, you mean.

Naw.

Naw, I thought we were gonnae be
flinging hooks. I didnae realise

it was gonnae be all that
Kama sutra kind of fighting.

SHE LAUGHS

I didnae know if he was leathering
me or trying to pump me.

He absolutely ragdolled you, mate.
He rubber chickened you.

It was like an Alsatian
fighting a yum yum.

He was like that.

"I cannae breathe,
I cannae breathe!"

Pair of clowns.

At least yous are having
a laugh together again.

I'm not apologising
for who Darren is.

Nobody expected you to apologise
for bringing your mad posh wife

into the family.

Laura's not posh.

"Henry, can you pass the potpourri?

"I just did a fart."

She disnae say that.

What does she say?

She...

She calls them bottom burps.

Which makes sense, because they're
like burps that come oot your...

Right, I cannae defend it, right?

But everything else aboot her,
I'll defend to the death.

And I'll defend Darren
to the death, and he defends me,

which is something I thought you
of all people would appreciate.

It's time for me to extend
the olive branch.

That party was a low point, right?

Me and Vincent fell oot.

I fell oot with Ronnie
for hooking Jason.

Jason was upset with me...

For tapping oot.

For fighting, right?

And I'm gonnae start putting that
right by having a wee boys' night.

Oh, good for yous.

And in the spirit
of reconciliation,

I would like to invite Darren.

Really?

Obviously I'm happy,

but Henry's not the only one
that can extend the onion branch.

I can dish oot the onions and all.

In the spirit of reconciliation,
I'll have a girls' night...

..and I'll invite Laura.

Perfect!

Come here, you.

HE SIGHS

Henry, the last time I saw Colette,
she chucked a drink in my face.

You, sit down!

Hey, hey, that's plenty!

I'm not going to her girls' night.

But that's why we're doing this.
Reconciliation.

Henry doesn't appreciate
what it's like

when Colette and his mum get me
on my own.

It's like Bambi versus the Krays.

They do nothing but slag me off.

Laura, a slagging is our family's
way of showing affection.

Like when they told me
that you were out of my league, so

I must be a right wee dirty in the
bedroom to have kept hold of you?

Colette's got a cheek saying that.

It was your mum that said it.

Look, you know where you are in life
when you're taking a good slagging!

Yeah, sitting on your mum's couch,
usually.

I mean, what do you think
we'll be doing to Darren

to welcome him at the boys' night?
And Vincent?

Things aren't great between
Vincent and Vonny right now.

The last thing he needs
is a slagging.

But that's how you lift
a guy's spirits.

You slag him to death about
his problems. We love it!

Wouldn't it be better to cheer him
up by saying something nice,

like telling him you think
he's brilliant?

He's my brother. I'm not telling him
he's brilliant.

Look, I'm trying to get
this family tight again,

and it would really mean a lot to me

if you would just go
to Colette's wee night.

I will think about it.

And, you know, if you wanted to
think about being a right wee dirty

in the bedroom as well...

You would run a mile.

Hey, now!

I mean, can you believe that you
will soon have lips like these?

Work is good.

Life is good.

Oh, it's Mrs Scott.
You look amazing.

The Claire Danes to Mr Scott's
Leonardo DiCaprio.

Where is the Wolf of Wank Street,
then?

He's gone out shopping for some
Dolce & Gabbana swim shorts

for the boys' night.

The marriage is like
a well-oiled machine.

You mean I've dragged myself
out of bed

and he has forgotten
we're going for lunch?

The marriage is like a rusty bike
pulled out of a canal

at the back of an abattoir.

Right, noo, Vonny, if you're getting
a taxi back fae Colette's the night,

right, get a black cab.

It's like Ted Bundy private hire
round there.

As if you care.

Right, Henry, I'll start the motor.

We're having the boys' night
at Vincent's.

I mean, if we had it at Henry's,
it would feel like having a party

inside one of those kid-on rooms
in Ikea.

Er, listen, I do really appreciate
you going to Colette's tonight.

Mm. I'm getting prepped.

Right, bye-bye.

Here, listen, by the way,

see if my ma gives you any hassle,
just stick the heid on her.

I don't think I know how to
stick the heid on anybody.

Just look them dead in the eye,
darling, stand up for yourself.

What if I did the exact opposite

and was just really,
really affectionate?

With them?
SHE CHUCKLES

No!

Maybe I could lovebomb them,
you know?

Firebomb them, maybe.
Lovebomb them, no.

Look...

..my mother used to always tell me,

"Never run away from your troubles
or turn up late for them."

I like that.

Of course, she then
did a moonlit flit to Kuala Lumpur

and told me she was a lesbian
in a Christmas card

that turned up on Pancake Tuesday,
so...

Just look them dead in the eye,
darling.

Eye contact.

Eye contact.

Say it again.

BOTH: Eye contact.

# Who wants to be a millionaire?

# I do

# Have flashy flunkeys everywhere?

# I do... #

CAR PULLS UP

Oh, look, it's Vonny and Shrek.

I've invited Laura.
I've done my bit.

Now the onus is on her to...
change her whole personality.

Hello, Laura.
Goodbye, atmosphere.

Oh, this is nice, Laura.

I didnae think you were coming.

Why?

Well, you don't really like parties,
do you?

I like parties.

Oh, Ma, I love the way
she says "parties".

"Parties."

I'm literally just in the door.

I don't talk like that.

Oh, listen to her, trying to sound
like one of us now.

"I don't talk like that.

"I'm rough as anything, man,
I'm bold as brass."

I'm not trying to sound like
anybody.

"I'm not trying to sound like
anybody, ya mad bin-licker.

"I run this toon."

Wind yer neck in, Colette,

or you'll be picking your false
eyelashes oot the artex.

Ya cheeky bastard!

See, Vonny gives it back.
I like that.

Oh, it's the mother-in-law!

Angela Lansbury threatened me
with a broken bottle

at the Oliviers. I can handle Moira.

Oh, Vonny.

Moira always hugs Vonny,
never hugs me.

But tonight, I am going to hug
my mother-in-law.

Hi, Moira.

I'm doing it.

Lovebomb.

Aayah! Oh!

Christ, she stuck the heid on me!

Bad start.

Laura, do you just want
a wee Diet Coke or something?

No, I will be drinking
like a lush.

I always forget that you drink.

You just seem like
one of thae people who disnae.

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Boys' night!

Let the healing begin.

Oh, aye, hot tub, booze, slaggings,

your blind cousin
opening the champagne.

SHOUTING AND LAUGHTER

Did I get the bastard?

Here, Henry, get in this hot tub,
man.

Piss off. Hot tubs are for swingers.

You'd be as well asking me to eat a
big steaming bowl of baws soup.

Aye? Well, here's your dinner.

LAUGHTER
Away ye go, you!

Ho-ho!

It's a big gesture, Henry inviting
me oot after what happened.

I'm going into this
with an open heart.

I think they'll go easy on me
the night.

Oh-ho-ho!

JEERING

Nice panties, Joe Exotic.

I'm on the phone to Colette.

BOOING

Colette, I cannae hear you, darling.

Oh, ya big sook.

Big Dyson Fury.

Colette, I need to go. Your brothers
are ripping the pish oot me.

Tell her we'll send her bikini
bottoms back to her in a taxi.

LAUGHTER

They're that bad,
even I can see them.

Oh, look at the back of them!

Like a wee thong!

Here, why is she phoning you when
she knows you're on the boys' night?

She wanted to make sure I was
wearing the new trunks

she bought me.

JEERING LAUGHTER

Come on, get in here, big man.

Ho! Watch your eye, Vincent!

Beautiful, man.

Games are great
for family bonding time.

Not this family.

Your da put your Uncle Scoot in
hospital over a game of Buckaroo.

I'll start. Am I a man?

You're very mannish.

Am I a man? No.

Yass, I love being a woman.

And I good-looking?

Naw.

You've got a kind of wee...

A wee squashed, peely-wally
annoying face.

I mean, it's not fair
to say you're ugly,

but it's more like you're ugly
on the inside,

and it's made you look ugly
on the ootside.

Is it not just a "yes" or a "no"?

Oh! Don't get all competitive,
Laura.

It's a daft wee game.

Am I rich?

Yes, very.

Am I a fictional character,
or am I real?

No, you are not real.

"Fake" is what I would say.

So fictional, then. Mm-hm.

"False" is a better word, actually.

Everything aboot you is false.

Am I sexy?

The person written on the piece
of paper on your heid is sexy, yes.

Daft question,
but am I a baddie?

You were maybe a goodie
at one point,

but then you got the ring,
didn't you?

You sprung the trap
and it turned you rotten.

I'm Gollum. Of course.

I wouldn't say she was Gollum.

Gollum's got a bit of something
aboot him.

Cheers. That's one for you.

That's yours.

Yass, boys' night!

Nobody makes an entrance
like my big pal AJ.

CHEERING

HE BEATBOXES

Let's go crazy!

CHEERING

HE SNORES

Well, that de-escalated quickly.

Guy works hard all week,
lives for the weekend,

makes his big entrance, then cannae
make it past the first 20 minutes.

See, that's WHY
he's a party legend.

I don't want to speak badly
of my da,

but when he was fighting Darren,

it was like Thor
fighting Tweetie Pie.

You have to swallow a lot of pride
to exchange banter bombs

with your conqueror.

You want, er...? I'll just, er...

Here, I'll...

No, I've got it. Ta. Aye.

Touched your hand there.

You did, aye.

Right.

Er, I'll just...

HE GRUNTS

So what do you think of big
Diddy Kong, then?

Big cosplay Snake Plissken?

If you're happy, I'm happy.

It's boys' night.

Da, have you seen The Expanse?

What, Vincent's arse?
LAUGHTER

Away you go.

Right, Jason, been waiting for years
for you to hit out

with some quality slaggings.
This is the day!

I can feel it.

Right.

Well, I'm a bit of a mad geek,

and, physically, I've not really
been taking care of myself.

And as far as women go...

No! No, no, no.

You don't slag yourself.

Somebody else, like Vincent.

Away you go. Away you go.

You look like Mortarion,
the Daemon Prince of Nurgle.

Whit?

Jason, for slaggings tae work,

people need to understand
the words you're using.

Warhammer. Mortarion.

The ugliest and most diseased
of all the heretics

who turned on the Emperor
in Horace's time.

HE MOUTHS

Here, who are we to be
slagging off Vincent anyway?

Precisely.

How can you have anything
but respect for a man

of his advanced years who is firing
into his 20-year-old receptionist?

Yass! Aye! Hey, no, no...

Oh, now it's real.

No, no, hold on a minute.

Yous don't actually think
that me and Eilidh are...?

Aye!

It's, like, the main thing
I know about you.

Aye, well, yous are obviously
very confused.

Maybe it's all that flirting
that yous do that's confusing us.

I mean, are those not the most
kissable wee cherry drops

you've ever seen?

It's a wee routine
we do for the customers.

Shut up!

We're a double act.

I just can't stop licking them.

You get your fillers done,
you look beautiful like her,

and then maybe, maybe, the handsome
doctor will flirt with you.

Who's the handsome doctor?

I'm the handsome doctor,
protein paps.

Look, I need to hire
beautiful people in my game.

Have you seen the people
that work for Henry?

You hire a scaffolding,

and you've got Jabba the Hut and all
his pals crawling aboot

outside your living room window.

Listen to yourself - double act!

Look, I'm not gonnae have people
talking about Eilidh like that,

all right? She's a smart,
hard-working young woman,

and I'm her mentor, all right?

I'm offering her a guiding hand.

Aye, a guiding hand
right onto your tadger.

Yass!

Oh, come on, Ronnie.
Piss off, the lot of yous.

You know what?

Anybody disrespecting Eilidh
can get out of my big hoose.

And you know what?

I hate boys' night.

Cannae have a good time unless we're
all ripping each other to shreds.

Like, why can we no just say
that we love each other, eh?

Would that not be a good night
for the boys?

Ronnie. What?

I love you.

LAUGHTER

So, obviously, there's a lot
of big opportunities

coming my way this year,
so now's the time for me

to get back into my music.

Good God.

I got together with a wee beat maker
called Steg,

and this is my new song.

SHE BEATBOXES

# Lynn Weir, do you remember me?

# You stole my boyfriend
in primary three

# But the tables have turned
There's no need to pretend

# Your husband keeps sliding
into my DMs... #

SHE BEATBOXES

# ..Tell your man
to give me peace

# Lynn Weir, you're quite obese. #

You're obese.

Did I ask for permission to use
Lynn Weir's name in a song?

Er, did she ask me permission
to go to the swingie

with Jamie Roland
and share his Monster Munch?

So, what's your feedback?

Be honest, I can take it.

I mean, I can pump out hits

like Ronald McDonald pumps out
chicken nuggets.

So, it's a parody song, right?

Naw, it's an original song.
I've never even heard of Parody.

Colette, hen, it's rid rotten.

Cheers, Ma.

VOICE WOBBLES: I'll go and see
if the pizzas are ready.

Lovebomb.

Colette?

I thought that was really good.

It was really funky.

Did you?

Did you think it was really funky?

Yeah! It's got a kind of
Olly Murs vibe to it, you know?

Really?

Tell me this - is this you coming in
here to get in between me and my ma?

What?

You've seen my ma hurt my feelings,

and you've decided to
snake your way in.

No, I've decided to say
something encouraging, Colette,

which seems to be an alien concept
to this family.

Aye? Well, yuck.

I'd rather hear my ma tell me
my song was rotten

than hear you
trying to encourage me.

I can't win. Are you sure?

Because your hair looks like you won
a raffle for a Turkish barber.

Away you go,
you mad stank monster.

20 years of lying down to this.

It's time to stand up.

Do you know what?

Eff you, Colette.

Eff you.

Oh, well, well!
A wee bit of fire in her belly,

underneath all those stretchmarks
that she's hiding away

under her mad-mammy dresses.

I have been nothing but nice to you.

Well, I don't trust people
that are nice all the time,

or people that don't drink.

I told you that I do drink!

Look.

SHE HISSES

SHE GAGS

Look at the state of you.

It's all one-way traffic with you,
isn't it, Laura?

I've telt you horrible things
that I've done. Nothing back.

I've poured my heart out to you,
nothing back,

but, "Oh, well, don't feel too bad,
it'll all be fine."

What are you doing?

Are you trying to hypnotise me,
you mad Jafar?

I'm making eye contact.

I've known you for aboot 20 year,
Laura, but I don't KNOW you.

Have you ever had muck
under your fingernails

or dirt on your knees?

Tell me one shameful thing
aboot you.

Oh, I've had dirty knees.

I don't mean from kneeling doon
to say your prayers.

Muck under my fingernails
and dirty, filthy knees.

Literally. Aye, Popeye.

Well, believe it. Well, spit it oot.

I lost my virginity under a tractor!

Oh!

Hold on.

You met Henry
in a nightclub in Ibiza.

And Ibiza isnae known
for its arable farmland.

Oh, my God.

It wisnae Henry.

And he disnae know.

This is the best night of my life.

I never lied.

He just assumed that we had
both been each other's firsts,

and then I never corrected him.

Well, finally,
I know something aboot you.

Hey!

See when I was a wee guy?

I used to try and do the
one-armed press-ups like Rocky.

Oh, did you? Aye.

Aye, I used to try them and all.
Normal guys cannae do them.

I can do them.

Oh, here we go, here we go.

I can do them and all.

Don't talk shite.

VINCENT SIGHS

Aye, well,
yous obviously don't know me.

I don't just train for show.

I train for go.

Go where, ya tadge?

Over the bakery
for six strawberry tarts?

I'll be doing a one-armed
push-doon in a minute,

your heid under the water,
Twattoweegie.

Right then, George of the Jungle,
you and me, one-armed push-ups.

We'll just see who quits first.

All right.

LAUGHTER

How many? None.

Ha! Wank.

Right, Laura, my big sister,
our turn.

CHEERING

Can we sing Dancing Queen?

Naw, that's cringe. Something else.
Anything you want, pal.

Erm...

..Ed Sheeran?
Bad Romance it is.

This one is dedicated
to Vonny and Vincent.

MUSIC: Bad Romance
by Lady Gaga

THEY VOCALISE ALONG

# Caught in a bad romance.... #

Vonny, you and Vincent
all right?

No.

VINCENT SOBS GENTLY

Is he greeting?

Shut up! Greeting.

Oh, Da, he is.

No, he's not.

Aye, I am.

I'm losing my wife, boys.

She disnae love me any more,
I can f...

I can feel it in my bones.

So is he greeting or what?

Aye, I'm greeting!

It pains me to say it, but...

..guys like me don't know what to
do when they see another guy greet.

Should somebody maybe...
give him a cuddle?

I'm always up for cuddles if...

Away and cuddle your Hulk Hogan
pillow. He's fine!

I'm not fine! I'm not fine.

What's the point of being
the only guy in Glasgow

who disnae need to inflate
his hot tub

if my wife's gonnae leave me
sitting alone in it?

Is his face actually wet, Henry?

My face is wet, Ronnie!
Do ye need to touch it?!

Come on.

Get off me!

So is he ACTUALLY greeting?

Aye, Ronnie! He's greeting!

Enjoy the rest of your night, boys.

I am off.

Boys' night!

I've seen Vincent crying before,

but never face doon
in the dirt like that.

I knew I was handling it badly.

Then I remembered what Laura said.

"Tell him he's brilliant."

She's usually right.

Look, I know yous have taken
a few wrong turns,

but Vonny is mad aboot you.

And how could she not be?

You're a cracking uncle.

Thanks, wee man.

Aye, and I know
we could be tough on you,

but, hold on, see if my da could see
what you've made of yourself?

Oh, he would be so proud of you.
So proud.

Anything else?

Well, you're...
You're just brilliant.

That's what else.

Aye, but anything kind of specific
about how brilliant I am?

Erm...

If Colette wasn't always
pointing it out,

I would have no idea
you used to be bald.

Aye, not so much of that.

I've never seen anybody command

a 1,000-point Daemons of Slaanesh
army the way you can, Uncle Vincent.

That's true, I dae make thae
hedonites sing, don't I?

Oh, aye. Yes, you do.

Yous are right, boys.

Of course my wife still loves me!

I mean, I'm the best guy out.

Oh, the best one.

Thanks, boys. Cheers. Thanks, boys.

Henry, come here.

Telling your brother
he's brilliant -

worst night of my life.

Good wee singsong but.

# ..Ship called dignity... #

THEY VOCALISE

# I try to discover a little
something to make me sweeter

# Oh, baby, refrain... #

I kind of hate how it happened,

but I think Colette and I
have got a wee bit closer.

# ..From breaking my heart... #

Brilliant night!

Cracking night.

Amazing night.

Surprise!

Oh!

Now it's a party!

Of course, I had to tell Henry
my secret.

He took it well.

A BLEEP farmer?

Aye, magic night.

BOTH: Good night.

Och, it was all right.

THEY SHOUT

SHE SHRIEKS

Stauner McGregor has got a fight.

I love number twos.

Oh!

Boom.

Oh, beautiful.

Are you sleeping with my husband?

Who's the champ?

You are. No!

Look at the physique on that guy!

He looks like you dae
in yer ain heid.

BELL RINGS