The Saint (1962–1969): Season 4, Episode 8 - The Spanish Cow - full transcript

On the French Riviera the Saints rescues Dona Luisa Arroya and her young companion Consuela from two robbers. Dona Luisa and Gilberto, her brother-in-law, tell the Saint that they are part of a once influential family, exiled from the island of Santa Cruz, who have come to sell Dona Luisa's jewelry to raise money for a return to power - hence the robbery. So much is made of the jewels and so many people seem anxious to steal them that the Saint is not surprised to discover that they are fakes. Now he has to discover why the Arroyas really want to involve him in their scheme and whether they are telling the truth.

Here in the south of France during the month of July,

the siesta is as rigidly observed as it is in Spain.

Everybody from six to 60 goes to bed.

In fact, by mutual agreement,

if a cat happens to be chasing a mouse

between the hours of two and hour in the afternoon,

they both walk.

Hey, you!

Hurry up with that!

You pretend.

You no work in garage.


Consuela. Consuela, look, it's him.

Why you pretend? What are you doing here?

I'm buying petrol.

You lie! I know who you are, senor.

You are the evil. Treacherous.

Consuela, drive on.

You are Simon Templar.

Dona Luisa, please do not worry.

He's one of the most dangerous men in the world.

Oh, Consuela, I'm so tired of it all.

Always being afraid, always running.

All I want is a little peace for my dear country.

Sometimes a little peace, too, for myself.

Hello, Chico.

Her car has just passed me.

Repeat, her car has just passed me.

Message received and out.

You see, if I had a vocation like you, Consuela,

perhaps I would know what to do.

But I am a woman alone.

You have me, Dona Luisa.

Si. And I thank you for your goodness.

And I thank God also that I am tough.

A peasant. These hands of mine,

they have known dirt and work and blood.

But I feel somehow they will save my people.

There it is.

Don't stop!

Drive on! I can't!

Out! Quick! What are you doing?

Out! Leave me!

Leave me alone!

You are Dona Luisa Arroyo.

I am the widow of His Excellency

Generale Carlos Arroyo,

president of the Republic of Santa Cruz!

Presidente no longer, senora.

Presidente until you rebel scum assassinated him.


31 bullets in his back.

One lone man.

We're not here to argue politics, senora.

Nor do we wish any harm to your person.

Some vermin with a rifle do not give me fear.

Dona Luisa, I beg of you, do not anger them.

You know what we want, senora. Where are they?

They were sent ahead.

You lie. Give them to us!

Maybe it would be better--

Never! If vultures prey, it will be without help from me.


The key.

Shoot it open.

There's a car coming.

Keep your mouth quiet.

Well now, you ladies still seem to be having trouble.

Hm. Now we know who is the cause of this.

I can assure you I don't go around shooting holes

in ladies tires.

I'll use nails, myself.

Now that's what must have done it.

Trying to say something?

On your way, senor.

That's enough.

Shall we dance?

Bueno! Bueno!

Enough, Sancho. Run!

Go on. You heard what your friend said.

Oh, magnifico, senor.

Muchos gracias.

Oh, you have saved my life.

I cannot thank you enough.

And if you'll accept my apologies for what I said earlier,

I am sorry. I was wrong.

And you're forgiven.

But, senora, why did they stop you?

What did they want?

To rob me.

Oh. Of what?


A Senor Diego Ramirez, senora.

It is an honor that you receive me, senora.

When you leave here, you may not think so.

You have thought about the matter?

There can be no more thinking when you order violence.


The attack today!

On the car.

Shooting at my tires.


Senora, I do not understand.

Your paid gunmen.

They have not yet reported to you?

I am not a gunster, senora.

I am the credited representative of

the Santa Cruz Republic.

There is no more talk needed.

The jewels stay with me.

They are mine.

They are not yours, senora.

They belong to the nation.

They were gifts to me from my husband!

And with what did he pay for them?

Blood? How dare you!

It's the truth. The blood of the peasants

who'd be crushed and persecuted for 30 years.

Get out of my house!

You will leave this house this instant.

Senora. You know that the right is on my side.

In your heart, you know the truth.

The jewels will go to Santa Cruz somehow.

This I promise you.

Do not cry, Dona Luisa.

Oh, chica.

Oh, chica, I'm beyond all hurt.

I am old, and weary and tired.

I care for nothing except to do what is right.

But I do think Ramirez believes what he says.


Because he hated Carlos.

You heard the names.

These things won't find hard to forgive.

Chica, Carlos gave these to me because he loved me.

Because I was young and beautiful,

and he adored me.

No, I cannot give them away.

No, I cannot. I cannot.

Come in.

Well, Colonel Latignant.

Mr. Templar. Good to see you.

And how is the most efficient chief of police

in the south of France?

That depends.

Oh? On what?

On your behavior in the south of France.

My behavior everywhere is impeccable.

So is your taste in shirts.

These are magnificent.

Sulca make them for me in London.

Now, get back to my behavior.

Specifically in regard to the Spanish Cow.

Beg your pardon?

You championed the lady this afternoon.

You mean a Senora Dona Luisa Arroyo?

The Spanish Cow.

I say, sir. A bit hard isn't, it?

I mean, the poor lady can't help her looks.

No, no, no. The term has a different meaning

for a Frenchman.

Ah, La Vache Espanol. Of course.

Out of Greek mythology.

Or is it French? The symbol for

everything clumsy and absurd.

And who, out of ignorance, does outlandish things.

Yes, I understand.

Yes, as always, your sophistication enchants me.

Now I've got to tell you something.

The lady troubles with a small fortune in jewels.

Yes, I know.

Yes, I know you do.

Now I'm going to ask you something. A favor.

Go on.

A courtesy for an old, tired adversary.

To lighten his burden,

to ease his troubled mind.

Shall I humheart some flowers

or will you get to the point?

Back up.


Discontinue your acquaintanceship with the senora.

Do not attempt to communicate with her in any way.

I'd love to, colonel.

But I'm afraid it's impossible.


Well you see, I've already had an invitation to dinner

from the lady and I have accepted.

Let me warn you.

If one jewel, just one, is missing,

then you will be a guest of the French government

for 10 years.

Ah, Senor Simon.

I give you good dinner?

Superb. Fit for a king.

Just like my Carlos always say.

Remember, chica?

Si, senora.

We had great French chef from Paris.

But when we are on the tour bus alone,

sometimes I cook for Carlos myself.

You have heard much talk about my husband?


Good or bad?

Senora, it has been some time.


I know.

Always it is bad things.

But senor, Carlos, he thinks he is only one

who knows about what is best for Santa Cruz.

He is human, though, senor, and

sometimes, yes, he is wrong.

But not bad, senor. Not bad.



who are these men who tried to rob you?

Revolutionary agents.

Under whose orders?

Ramirez, of course.


I thought you were in Paris.

You seem not glad to see me.

I am surprised.

This is Senor Simon Templar.

My brother-in-law, Gilberto Arroyo.

How do you do? Senor Templar.

Dona Luisa, I have wonderful news for you.

We are going back to Santa Cruz.

How is this possible?

My supporters are trained, dedicated and ready.

A revolution?

A liberation, my dear.

You see, Senor Templar, Santa Cruz is in bondage.

The present government is in power illegally.

Even though it was elected?

Elections? Bah.

May years ago it was decided that the chief of state alone

choose his successor.

Decided by whom?

My husband.

My venerated brother, Generale Carlos Arroyo.

And now I shall be his honored successor.

Well does it make any difference now that

Santa Cruz is a democracy?

Democracy? Rubbish.

Oh, it is all right for advanced nations,

but for a population of peons, farmers,

democracy only makes them dissatisfied.

That's a very interesting theory.

Dona Luisa, I must have your help.

The jewels will buy munitions, guns, supplies.

I must have them.

But Gilberto,

a revolution will mean bloodshed.

People will die.

Of course people will die!

The murder of my brother will be avenged

with the blood of traitors.

You and I, Dona Luisa, we shall be avenged.

You must help me. You must.

A little time, Gilberto. Please.

No, no, no. My patience is at an end.


I will tell you tomorrow.

Very well.

I shall give you another 24 hours.

But after that...


Just ask yourself what dear Carlos would have wished.

Senor Simon, what can I do?

Surely, senora, you only have one choice.

But if Dona Luisa is for the democratic regime,

she's against everything her husband fought for.

You will accept this, Senor Simon,

as a token of my thanks.

It belong to the general, my husband.

He was always very fond of it.

Now it is yours.

See that you keep it always.

Senora, it's very kind of you,

but I couldn't possibly accept it.

You must accept it.

It is tradicion in my country.

Is it not, Consuela?

Si, senora.

You have done something for me,

you risk life, fight robbers,

then you must take this gift.

And no more words.

Except to say thank you and I shall treasure it.


Now I must say good night.

You will come and see us again, senor.

Thank you, senora.

My house is your house. Always.

Good night.

I will help you to bed now--

No, no.

No, no, chica.

You stay here.

Maybe you become good friends with the Senor Simon, eh?

Our handsome one.

You go out dancing, perhaps.

Or gambling in the casino.

No, no, Senora Dona Luisa--

Goodnight, chica.

Good night. Good night.

Good night, and thank you.

Good night.

Well, shall we do what the senora suggests?

If it's what you wish.

Nothing would give me greater pleasure.

I will get my handbag.

Excuse me.

In short, gentlemen,

I intend to prevent the robbery of jewels

valued at over 5 million francs.

I intend to use methods which may be--



You, Jean,

you will concentrate on the political enemies of the senora.

Now, I do not care personally about the

internal affairs of the Republic of Santa Cruz.

But I care very much about jewel robberies on the Riviera.

Is that clear?

You, Rene,

you will concentrate on my,

I might almost call him my friend,

Simon Templar.

You will bug his hotel room so we hear everything he says.

Oh, I've arranged for you to take the room next to his

in the hotel, number 717.

Even one hint, one breath,

that he intends to steal the jewels,

and he's out of France.

Is that clear?

Of course.

Now, I do not wish to threaten my two best operatives.

So I will say merely if Dona Luisa

should have her jewels stolen,

both of you will hang by your thumbs for one month.

Now get out!

You still haven't told me much about yourself.

I have the ancient, distinguished family.

Aristocrats from many generations in Santa Cruz.

But no money.

So you work for Senora Arroyo.

Oh, no, no. Not for salary.

My family admired her husband.

So I come to Europe with her after his assassination.

To be of help. This is all.

You will not mind if I join you.

Won't we?

I think not.

You must forgive me, senorita,

for interrupting your last evening with Senor Templar.


And the last.


Unfortunately you are leaving the south of France.

I think not.

I think yes.

You are leaving because I will pay you 100,000 francs.

And because you are interfering in something

which does not concern you.

And because I, Gilberto Arroyo,

am never,

never, interfered with.

I hurt you.

Gilberto, old boy, I have news for you.

You use colorless nail varnish and too much cologne.

In other words,

and I hate to be rude in front of a lady,

you stink.

You will now say a polite goodnight to the lady

and buzz off.

Otherwise, I shall kick the stuffing out of you.


You dare insult me!

Scat, amigo.

While the scatting's good.

You will regret this.

Now, where we we?

You're a very reckless man, senor.

Which leads me to say you are

very beautiful woman, senorita.

But I'll tell you more about that on the way home.

Obviously he's taking the girl home.

Sancho, we will drop you at his hotel.

Watch his room.

Report back at once if you see anything.

Dona Luisa!

It is very late for you.

I could not sleep, chica.

Too many dark thoughts.

I am sorry to have to add to them.

How do you mean?

Gilberto followed us tonight.

What did he want?

He offered Senor Templar 100,000 francs to desert us.


Mr. Templar refused.

It's hard to believe.

He also insulted Gilberto.

He's not only, but brave.

Very brave.


He doesn't know the treachery of this man

and how ruthless he can be.

Somehow I think Senor Templar

is a man who could defy even Gilberto.

Dona Luisa,

you have to make up your mind.

We cannot live like this, in constant fear.

It's so difficult, chica.

It's so very difficult.

In my heart I know that Ramirez is right.

I know that if I give to him the jewels,

he will use it for good,

for things that are needed.

I know that Gilberto is bad.

He will use it for revolution, for killing.

And yet he is the brother of my dear Carlos.

To turn against him...

I just don't know what to do.

But Carlos himself said that Gilberto

should be his successor.

How can I go against his wishes?

I am getting a little tired of this

Latin American melodrama.

I warn you, senor.

I shall not hesitate to kill you if I must.

How'd you get in here?

I bribed the desk clerk to open the door.

Then you're going out by the window. It's quicker.

We are both after the same thing.

But the right is on my side.

I use these methods because I have to.

How can hope to defeat a man of your daring

unless I become to myself?

And I must defeat you before I allow you

to steal the Arroyo jewels,

which belong to my country.

I will kill you.

This is becoming a little monotonous.

I am not deceived.

You are the notorious avenger.

And you went to great pains to cultivate

the senora's friendship.

Before you fire a gun, my friend,

you release the safety catch.

At everything I am a failure.

That's right. Now get out.

Senor, I apologize for threatening you.

But I am out of my mind due to worry.

You're out of your mind with something.

Senor, listen to me.

No, amigo, you listen.

And listen carefully.

I have no intention whatsoever of stealing

the senora's jewels.

You have not?


But, senor, you must steal them.

Come again?

You must steal them.

Why the switch?

I tried to think of everything, anything.

I am Diego Ramirez,

the accredited representative in France

of the Republic of Santa Cruz.

They must have been desperate.

Senor. Those jewels were paid for

with the blood of my people.

The general drained the country of money.

You must help me to get them back.

If you will steal them for me, I will give you anything.


Within reason, of course.

Now look here, Diego.

I am a very sleepy boy and I want to go to bed.

Now will you scram?

You refuse?

I refuse.

Oh, Diego. Your pistol.

It's a simple technique, Chico,

used most effectively by the Nazis.

The more preposterous the lie,

the more people will believe it.

In the same way that this idiot child

believe that I'm interested in a career as an artist.

The democratic government must be accused

of every imaginable crime.

Si. The worse.

And then we move in.

We take first the newspapers and the television studios.

After that, the government offices.

Within a day, the whole country will be ours.

And then we avenge my brother's murder.

To hear you talk is much inspiration.

Sancho, you have something?


This child understand only French,

and not know so very much. Go on.

Ramirez was to see him.

Ramirez here?

Si. He asked Templar to steal the jewels.

He begs him.


Templar refused.

A lie of course.

It's possible.

Our plans for the last week to steal the jewels

will be upset by one man.

We must act quickly, Gilberto.

If we delay, we risk everything.

Sancho, how much are you prepared to risk?

For my country, I risk anything.

Even my life.

You ready?


You strike a blow for the glory of our homeland.

Good luck.


Drop in. You might be useful.

Hey, something's the matter.

The light is on.

I'm going up. Wait here. Si.

Talk, amigo.

Who sent you?

Come on, now. I'm getting impatient.


I am assuming, idiotic though it may be,

that some distinguished member of the

French constabulary can here me.

In which case, I should like to report a murder.

I trust your cell was comfortable.

You slept well?

I didn't shut an eye all night.

Oh, what a pity.

At least you were safe.

Thanks for the coffee.

I must insist you remain my guest for a few more days.

I prefer my hotel.

I could probably hold you on charges of,

um, let me think---

I'll make you the laughing stock of the Riviera.

Give me your word that you will stay away

from the Senora Arroyo.



Oh, hold on.

It is for you.

Word gets around.

You were in the papers this morning.


Senor Simon?

I read the newspapers.

I am very worried about you.

Senora Arroyo, how nice to hear from you.

No, not a bit, no.

Uh, tea?

Well I'd love to.

Anytime that's convenient for you--

To have your jewels stolen.

Just be careful.

What do you mean?

Simon is a very clever man.

Very quick with his brain.

Ah, that will be him now.

Let him in.

If you are too obvious, he will know.

Dona Luisa, the broach.

Ah, Simon, my friend.


I am very glad indeed to see you again in my house.

It's nice to be here.

Please sit.

Consuela, you pour the tea.

And you tell us all about this horrible affair last night.

Actually the whole thing was very clumsy.


What is it, Dona Luisa?

My broach, it's gone.

Do not worry, I found it and put it on the mantel piece.

There, you see? Quite safe.


I must be more careful, hm?


So that nobody will steal, I put it in the safe now.

Simon, you excuse me for one moment, please.

Thank you.

Ah, I cannot find the stupid button.

Help me, Consuela. Please.

To the left, dear.

Ah, yes.

It's clever, no?

You see, here is the button, I press and---

You see, Simon?

Yes, I get the picture.

It's very hard to hard remember.

The safe is very, very strong.

Consuela, help me with the numbers, please.

First is 70 to the right, no?

Then 90 left.

Then 90 left.


And then?

40 right.

And then 20, 30, 40 right.


12 left.

12 left.

12 left.

Oh, it is hard to remember.

70 right,

90 left,

40 right

and then 12 left.

And so...

I keep here.

I put in broach.

Now it's quite safe.

And so...

Simon, you will come often to my house, yes?


day or night.

My dear Dona Luisa,

who could resist such a generous invitation?

Indeed, madame.

In all modesty, I can claim credit for the fact

that since I became chief of police,

there has not been a single jewel robbery on the Riviera.

It's very good, capitaine.



But why are you telling me this?

My dear, senora, surely it is obvious.

Who is obvious?

I am speaking of the Arroyo jewels.

Ah. Mine.

Of course!

There are several jewel thieves...

Oh, but no matter.

Why disturb your peace of mind?

Instead, I guarantee it

by stationing three men in the house,

10 men in the grounds.

What? Oh, it is nothing, senora.

No more than you deserve.

Men in my house?

Oh, do not fear, madame.

They'll be of the utmost discretion.

Men in my grounds?



No men.

No men in my house, Senora--

no men in my grounds.


it is to protect your jewels.

No, never.

Senora, I assure you these men will in no way interfere.

It is enough talk.

Never. Comprende?

Senora, do you want your jewels stolen?


But I want you to go.


And if I find men in my house,

I will shoot. Senor, I beg you--

Kill them between the eyes. Please.

Now go! Out! Vamos!

Vache Espanol.

Do you have trouble?

The woman is mad. What happened?

She refused!

Police protection? Flatly.

No men, no men, no men.

Not even in the grounds.

We shall see. I am chief of police, not her.

Oui, mon colonel.

She will have protection with all that she like it.

I've decided.

As soon as it is dark, we bug the grounds.

Microphones everywhere.

We fix it so that an ant crawling along a leaf

will sound like the charge of the Light Brigade!

Now listen.

Keep perfectly still and not a move until 11 o'clock.



Right, Luigi, you watch the front.

Pierre, you watch the gate.

All right?

Oui, Monsieur Templar.

I understand everything you say.

16 microphones placed on the grounds.


A squirrel carrying a nut across a foot of open ground,

we hear it.

We stop the crime even before it is committed.

The old saying, only one once of prevention--

Turn it on now, colonel.

A car is coming, colonel.

He's arrived.

Through the gate.

We'll follow every move.

Now listen carefully,

keep earthly still and not a move until 11 o'clock.




There are two of them.

Now, Luigi, I want you

to watch the front.

Pierre, watch the back.

Three of them.

Monsieur Templar,

I do exactly as you say.

In half an hour, we'll be millionaires.

In half an hour he will be under arrest.

Pardon, mon colonel.


70 to the right,

90 to the left,

40 right,

and, uh--

12 left.

Yes, I remembered.

I suppose you think we are very obvious.

Well, I must admit I've never had

a more blatant invitation to burgle in my life.

She did everything but write the combination down.

She's not very subtle.

And you are?

I suppose not.

Especially when I know that it's for a good cause.

Ah, then these are fake, hm?

Just paste imitations.

And Ramirez has the genuine ones.


I know we've been using you terribly.

But it was the only way.

So I am to be the bait to draw Gilberto

and his hatchet boy off.

And that's too much to ask.

Not at all.

I'm all for democracy and freedom in Santa Cruz myself.

Oh, Simon! You're a wonderful man!

Yes, I know.

It's the clean living.

Now you run off to bed and I'll lead Gilberto

a chase all over the Riviera.

Oh, no. I come with you.


Because my life has always been ordered. Quiet.

And this is the most exciting thing

that ever happened to me.

You want to come along for the ride?

Please. Please take me with you, Simon.


Well I've always found it difficult to say no

to a beautiful woman.



Pierre, Luigi, remember,

we must be very careful.

Latignant is no fool.

In fact, he is one of the cleverest policemen in the world.

Charming chap, Templar.

Just because he has beautiful clothes

and beautiful manners,

don't underestimate him.

He's tough, hard and dangerous,

with a truly brilliant mind.

Such a pity to arrest him.

Now come on,

let's synchronize our watches.

We go on the count of three.




We've been tricked!

I kill him!

Get out!


So any minute now,

Dona Luisa starts screaming she's been robbed.


And in the morning, I am front page news

with everybody after me,

Gilberto and the police.

But only until 10 o'clock.

What's so special about 10 o'clock?

Well, Diego Ramirez leaves from this airport

for Santa Cruz.

With the real jewels, eh? I get it.

We had to do it, Simon.

You see, Ramirez is such a helpless man.

If Gilberto would have known he had the real jewels,

he would have killed him,

robbed him before he even reached the airport.

So all you and I have to do is keep the fake jewels

out of Gilberto's greedy paws until 10 in the morning.

Si. That is all.



You're still using too much cologne.

So you have said, Mr. Templar.

You also threatened to kick the stuffing out of me.

Put your hands up,

Mr. Templar.

I've been half expecting this.

Put it in the car.

And what made you suspicious?

Right from an early age I've been able to

tell the difference between a fake and the real thing.

That includes jewelry.

I knew we were carrying the real ones.

You double-crossed Dona Luisa

and left her with the imitations.

It has been delightful knowing you.

I sincerely hope you'll always feel that way.

Finish it off.


Start the car.

He's insulted me and he knows too much.

Get it over with.

No! I said start the car!

That's the trouble with all you aristocrats.

You have no guts.

For two years I've put up with Dona Luisa.

The vulgarity. Stupidity.

Waited and carried for her.

I've been waiting for this moment.

I won't share it with anyone.

Goodbye, Simon.

Let's not say goodbye.

Let's say hasta la vista.


Colonel Latignant, right on time.

I try to be punctual.

How did you get here?

The colonel is very fond of

sophisticated electronic gadgets.

He presumably bugged my car,

so he's never been far behind.

It was a good thought, eh?

A very good thought.

And a lucky one.

Thank you, colonel.

Goodbye, Consuela.

I hope you still feel it's been delightful knowing me.

Get the other one.

Yes, these are the originals.

Consuela switched them after you went to bed last night.

I still find it so hard to believe this about Consuela.

I trusted her.

I loved her even.

And treated her like a daughter.

Yes. But no matter now.

I cannot thank you enough, my dear Simon.

You have done a great service to my country.

And if you should ever visit us,

you will be my guest.

You're going back?

Oh yes. With Ramirez.

And the jewels.

I do not fit in here.

I know they call me the Spanish Cow

because I am clumsy and awkward.

But my country? With my own people?

This is not so.

I'm sure it isn't.