The Saint (1962–1969): Season 3, Episode 12 - The Unkind Philanthropist - full transcript

In Puerto Rico the Saint meets a young woman called Tristan Brown, who is there to bestow funds upon needy people on behalf of the charity which employs her. She is trying to find someone help her allocate the money and considers Elmer Quire, who is well-known as a local philanthropist. However, the Saint finds out that Quire is a fraud and that in fact he is dishonest and greedy. Given that 'Tristan' is also a man's name the Saint pretends that he is Tristan Brown and approaches Quire with a plan that will fleece him of his ill-gotten gains and re-distribute them to the local poor.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
Wouldn't you know it, I've been at the guidebooks again.

I'm a regular fund of information.

It says here that centuries ago, the strategic position

of Puerto Rico made it the natural rendezvous

for the Spanish treasure convoys that fanned out

on their golden quests up and down the coasts

of Central and South America.

I can see it now, this ancient fortress of El Morro,

ringing with the shouts of the buccaneers

and the laughter of the,

laughter of the beautiful women, excuse me.

Beautiful, isn't it?

You may be interested to know

this harbor was first discovered by--

By Christopher Columbus in 1493, his second voyage.

Ah, later, it was conquered by Ponce--

Ponce de Leon in 1508.

Did you write this guidebook, by any chance?

No, I didn't, goodbye.

Do I detect a faint note of hostility in your voice?

You do, and it wasn't intended to be faint.

Oh, why?

Because I'm one of the few women left in the world

who is not remotely interested in the famous Simon Templar.

Stop, senor, help, please stop, please!

What's the problem?

My husband, senor, they kill him.

Por favor, come, come with me.

They tried to put us off our land,

and my husband, they kill him.

Which way?

That way.

Juan, it's an eviction notice, you understand?

You will not push me off my land, comprende?

You better comprende, pal, not me.

You gotta vacate, vamoose, beat it.

This farm ain't yours anymore.

Is always mine, this land, and my father's.

Listen, Juan, you borrow money,

and so you put up the farm for security.

Now you can't pay so ,

you get off the farm.


Leave my papa alone.

Better mind your own business, man.

Why don't you pick on somebody your own size?

Juano, did he hurt you?

Senor, you have no right.

We be back, we teach you the lesson.

Go on, get outta here.

Scum, pigs!

Are you alright, ma'am?

Thank you, senor, muchas gracias.

Don't thank me, I couldn't have done much without him.

What's your name?

I am called Victor, senor.

And I am Maria.

Go, my little ones, go play.

Come inside, senor, please?

Thank you.

Senor, in the house of Juan Gamma, you are welcome.

Thank you.

By the way, I'm Simon Templar.

Senor, and this is my wife, Dolores.


Please sit down, senor, I will get some wine.

Thank you.

Well, Juan, suppose you tell me what that was all about.

Senor, a long time ago, I borrow much money

to grow my tomatoes in water, eh, a big word.


Si, senor, that is it.

But my crop, she's bad and the times are poor,

and I cannot pay back, but I have signed this paper,

and when I cannot pay, these men come and say

we must leave the farm.

But we cannot leave.

No, this land holds the bones of my father.

And his father's father.

And a man does not give up his land

because of a paper, does he?

That rather depends

on what the paper was you signed, Juan.

Well, I do not know what I sign, senor.

You see, my English, it is not good.

Juano, you will go to Senor Quire.

Yes, he will fix.

Who exactly is Senor Quire?

Oh, senor, he is a very great man

in these parts, very important.

He will help me.

Well, if there's nothing I can do, I'll be running along.

Oh, no, senor, you have done much already, muchas gracias.

You're welcome.

And may God shower many blessings on you, senor.


Senor, you are a man of courage and friendship.

I wouldn't go that far.

Juano, he is good man, that.

A great man, and now I must get ready to see Senor Quire.

The first internal combustion engine used gunpowder.

Did it really?

Yes, it was invented by Christiaan Huygens,

did you know that?

No, I didn't.

Ah, and presumably, you don't know to fix that.

No, I don't.

You'll figure it out, have fun.

You wouldn't!

Well, why not?

I'm one of the few men left in the world

who's not remotely interested in, er?

The name is Tristan Brown and I apologize.

Accepted, please step in.

Tristan, eh, I must say I'm the old-fashioned type.

I like girls to have girl's names.

I think Tristan is a very nice name.

So did my father.

Yes, he had to do something to liven up Brown, didn't he?


And where can I drop you, Tristan Brown?

Catano Prison, please.

Are you turning yourself in?

No, but I may give the governor of the prison a grant.

Grant, grant of what?


You give money away?

Quite a lot of it.

Your own or somebody else's?

Somebody else's.

Does he know about it?

No, he's dead.

Oh, that's nice, isn't it?

Don't you believe me?

Not a word.

Well, it's true.

Haven't you ever heard of the Ogden H. Keel Foundation?

I work for it.

I get 150 a week plus expenses.

Just for giving away money?

It isn't as easy as you'd think.

I'd be marvelous at it.

Are you a lawyer?

Er, what difference does that make?

I am.

You're kidding.

Columbia Law School, and the firm of which

I'm a very junior partner administers the Keel Foundation.

And you're here in Puerto Rico to give away

some of the foundation dough.

Mostly for rehabilitation and education.

Rehabilitation, a million dollars

would rehabilitate me right out of sight.

That's what I was afraid of.

This is as far as I go, I'm allergic to prisons.

I can imagine why.

While you're paying the convicts out,

I'll arrange for your car to be picked up

and have some lunch.

I'll be back for you about three.

We can drive back by way of El Yunque

and we can talk more about law, okay?

Well, I hate to admit it,

but it's very kind of you, considering.

Considering how much you know about everything?

Juan, I lent you everything I could

in order to help you to start this business.

Now, I'm not a rich man and I need my money back.

So I have to sell your farm

in order to get it. Si, senor.

But senor, you cannot.

Juan, look, you signed the paper giving me full authority

to sell your land in full settlement, mind,

if you didn't pay.

I'm sorry, but business is business.

But how shall I live?

Get a job, others do.

Senor, they say you are a good man.

I think not, I think you're a devil.

How dare you speak to me like that,

you, you ungrateful wretch, you,

after all I've done for you.

Let me tell you something, that land is mine,

yes, and I want you off it in four days.

Otherwise there'll be trouble.

Now get outta here 'fore I lose my temper.

It, it isn't right, senor. Get out!

Oh, bless my soul.

I really believe I was getting steamed up.

For a minute there,

I thought you were going to have a stroke.

Oh, these people, they're enough

to try the patience of a saint.

They're just like grownup kids, you know.

Do you mind if I join you?

Oh, please, do sit down.

Thank you.

My name's Quire, Elmer Quire.

Nice to meet you, Mr. Quire.

And you're, uh--

Oh, just doing a little island hopping.

Oh. For pleasure.

What was wrong with your problem child?

Er, Gamma, oh, he's a hopeless bungler, I'm afraid.

I shall have to put him down as one of my failures.

Couldn't you give him another chance?

Oh, you've no idea how many chances he's had already.

Um, you're a visitor here, I take it?


Not doing any kind of business?

No, not at the moment, but I might get into some.

Well now, if I can be of any help, do let me.

Here's my card, I've been here some 10 years now

and I might be able to advise you.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, dear, dear, dear, I really must run.

Well, it's been a pleasure, Mr.--

It's been a pleasure meeting you, Mr. Quire, goodbye.

Er, thank you , thank you.

Well, does the governor of the prison

qualify for a million dollars?

He's doing a quite remarkable job, you know.

Most of those men aren't habitual criminals.

Oh, no, just nice, normal guys that stick a knife

in somebody's back if he gets out of line?

I'm beginning to think you don't take me seriously.

My dear, I hang onto every single word.

Incidentally, where are you staying?

The Playa.

Well, isn't that cozy?

So am I.

Mr. Quire, I just simply have got to have this property.

Makes for an ideal location for a factory site.

And the beauty of it is, no demolition.

Exactly, sir, exactly, just a shack of a house

and a defunct hydroponic tomato farm, perfect.

Mr. Twinewright, if we can agree terms,

I can have the contracts drawn up immediately.

Well now, sir, what would you say to $100,000?

I'd say 110,000.

It's a deal, sir, it's a deal.

Thank you.

To money.

Oh, just what the doctor ordered.

Mm, Tristan, this prison governor of yours.

does he really qualify for an Ogden H. Keel endowment?

He might, you see, we don't just write checks

to organized charities, and yet we obviously can't deal

with the thousands of individual cases,

so in each area we go into,

we employ a good local administrator,

give him an allocation,

and leave the handling of it to his judgment.

You must be besieged by an awful lot of earners.

I am, sometimes.

That's why we have to have very strict rules.

To become a recipient,

you have to furnish proof of solvency.



In cash?


Er, let's take these out on the patio.


Now for me to qualify for an Ogden H. Keel endowment,

I have to give you $20,000 in cash.

That's right.

So you'd be on the next plane to Alaska.

I don't think that's amusing.

Oh, I do, I think it's a very funny idea.

Well, if you don't want to be serious--

Oh, no, no, please, come sit down.

Go on, I promise you, I really am very interested.

Well, you're investigated, and if you're on the level,

you'll get your 20,000 back.

Plus a Keel Foundation endowment.

The amount you get depends

on what you propose to do with it.

How do you pick people?

We get the names of suitable individuals

from local government people, bank managers, ministers.

And who have you got in Puerto Rico?

The prison warden I mentioned, a man called Elmer Quire,

a Dr. Kestin--


Why, do you know him?

Elmer Quire is an arrogant, egotistical chiseler

posing as a Lord Bountiful.

He's so sick with the need for flattery,

it turns him blue with rage if he doesn't get it.

I know, I've seen it happen.

You're practically turning blue yourself.

I'm sorry.

And I'm beginning to think you're only interested in me

because I give away money.

Well, I must admit, it adds a certain zest to your charm.

I see, well, thanks for the ride.

Come on, don't be angry, I was only joking.

Will you have dinner with me,

and I promise I won't even mention money?

Alright, give me an hour to change.

Fine, I'll meet you down here at seven.


Ah, you mean to tell me

that some stranger just interfered?

A devil, senor, a big man.

Honest, Elmer, he was a real tough nut.

Now you get this through your thick skulls.

I want Gamma off that land and quick.

If I lose this sale, you two baboons will lose your heads.

Now get out!

Lovely dinner, perfect evening, thank you.

How about breakfast?

Mm-mm, I can't.

Oh, why not?

I'm starting off early tomorrow morning

to go around the island.

I'm still a working girl, you know.

Mm, I'll drive you.

No, Judge Hendricks and his wife are taking me.

It's business.

You still investigating reputations?


Well, stay away from Elmer Quire.

Don't worry, he's right off my list.

Am I still on it?

The very top.

Do you believe me?

Oh, of course I believe you.

How long will you be away?

Two days.

I may kill myself.

Then I have no incentive to come back.

Have you now?

I think so.

Good night, dear Simon.

The hotel phone, please.

Thank you.

I'd like to send a telegram.

Simon Templar, room 361.

It's to the Ogden H. Keel Foundation,

New York City, New York.

Please confirm credentials your representative here,

Tristan Brown, signed, Simon Templar.

Thank you.

I haven't eaten that big a breakfast in years.

Well, you need nourishment, giving away all that money.

Simon, why do you say things like that?

Like what?

Well, I get the feeling you don't believe me,

that you think I'm some kind of a confidence trickster.

Tristan, please.

Sorry, I guess I'm just over-sensitive.

Oh, here comes Mrs. Hendricks.

Mm, the judge's wife?


My, you keep such select company.

Tristan, honey, have I kept you waiting?

I, we've just finished breakfast.

This is Mr. Simon Templar, Mrs. Hendricks.

How do you do?

Mrs. Hendricks.

Well, thank you for the breakfast, Simon.

My pleasure.

See you in a couple of days.

Bye now, Mr. Templar,

sorry we've got to rush off like this.

Come along, honey.

Senor Templar!

Glad to confirm Tristan Brown

fully accredited representative of Ogden H. Keel Foundation.

Well, well, well.

So she is on the level.

You are a thief, a swindler.

Hold it, pal.

He is a crook, he try to steal my land.

You signed a perfectly legal promissory note,

and I'll defend it all the way

to the Supreme Court, if necessary.

What's more, you go 'round calling me a thief,

and I'll not only have the police after you,

I'll see you never get another job as long as you live,

you, your wife, or your unwashed brats.

Senor Quire, I beg you--

Including interest, you now owe me $12,000.

Your note falls due tomorrow at midnight.

Either you pay off or you leave this house, understand?

Senor, you cannot do this.


Alicron, show him.

Tomorrow night.

Come on.

Go little ones, play, shoo.

I will fight.

I will fight.

Rodriguez and Gomez, they fight, and what happens?

Poof, like smoke they go up.

They are no more.

Juano, while there is still time, let us go.

, tell me, where?

New York.

In New York, there are only strangers.

Here I have friends.

And when they beat you, where are your friends?

Do they come to help you?

No, not one.

Juano, these men will not stop until we are off the land.

I have still until tomorrow night

to pay Senor Quire the money.

Perhaps something--

Men like he do not make mistakes, Juano.

He is respected, you are poor dirt farmer.

It will be his word they will take, not yours.

Something will happen, someone will help me.


Thank you.

Good morning.

Good morning, sir.

I'd like a room with a bath, please.

Have you a reservation, Mister?

Brown, Tristan Brown.

No, I'm afraid I don't have a reservation.

I had to leave New York at the crack of dawn

and didn't have time.

We are rather full at the moment, sir.

I represent the Ogden H. Keel Foundation.

You've probably heard of it.

Oh, yes, indeed I have, sir.

The foundation does wonderful work.

I am sure we can fix you up.

Thank you.

Oh, I'd like a safe deposit envelope, please.

I have some rather valuable papers.

Of course, Mr. Brown.

Thank you.

Not at all.

A pleasure to have you with us, Mr. Brown.

509, please.

Yes, this all seems to be in order, Mr. Quire.

But I'm flying back to New York for a meeting.

I'll be back here tomorrow night at 10 o'clock,

and if we can meet around 11 and finalize the deal?

That'll be fine, Mr. Twinewright.

And I'll have

a certified check for $110,000.

You're making a very, very good deal.

Why, that farm is absolutely ideal for your needs.

Ideal, why Mr. Quire, a comparable property

on the mainland would've cost me five times as much.

Well, sir, I must be off.

See you tomorrow night.

You bet.

I sure do hope that my magnolia trees

take to this climate.

Oh, I'm positive they will.

Oh. Hello, Mr. Quire.

Oh, yes, the restaurant yesterday, Mr., uh?

Tristan Brown.

Hope I'm not interrupting.

Not at all, sir, not at all, I was just leaving.

Well, so long, Quire.

I'll be in touch.

Thank you, Mr. Twinewright.

Now you have a good trip, mind.

I'll do that, old thing.

Goodbye. Bye.

Now what can I do for you, Mr. Brown?

Well, as a matter of fact, Mr. Quire,

I represent the Ogden H. Keel Foundation of New York.

Come right in, Mr. Brown, come on in.

Thank you.

Mr. Brown, do you mean to say

that the Ogden H. Keel Foundation would consider handing me,

say, a million dollars to disperse here as I think fit?

That's the general idea, yes.

But how did you happen to pick on me?

As soon as I start to make inquiries,

your name kept popping up as the local philanthropist.

So our meeting yesterday wasn't entirely accidental?

You're really quite observant, Mr. Quire.

Ha, and that's why you so very carefully

avoided telling me your name?

Exactly, I don't like people to know my true identity

until I'm really to make a deal.

Actually, I'm a little worried about yesterday.


The things you said to that man.

Gamma, oh, my dear fellow.

Why, these Puerto Ricans,

they're used to these violent expressions.

I was just putting the fear of God into Gamma

for his own good.

By the time he's thought things over,

we'll be able to work something out.

I'm glad to hear that, because one of the requirements

of the foundation is that the person we're considering

submit a list to us of all the people

he's done business with during the past five years.

Then we discreetly make inquiries amongst those people,

and if we get the slightest impression

that they've had a raw deal,

then the application is dropped right there and then.

You can go along with this.

Oh, I'm sure I can.

Good, there is one other thing.

We have to have some guarantee that the recipient

of a foundation grant is sufficiently well off

not to be tempted to, er--

Help himself to foundation money?


So therefore, I shall have to ask you

to show me a substantial amount of cash.


Mr. Quire, books can be juggled.

Er, yes, I suppose so.

Er, how much?

$20,000, the money is deposited someplace,

in your name, of course, until inquiries are completed.

I see, well, I think I can manage that.

Good, then suppose we meet tomorrow at my hotel,

say 11 in the morning?

That's fine, where are you staying?

The San Jose.

Ah, good, I'll be there with the money.

Uh-huh, and very shortly, I shall be handing you

a great deal more than that.

I hope so, thank you, Mr. Brown.

It's been a great pleasure talking to you.

Well, Mr. Quire, I sincerely hope

you'll always feel that way.


There is a Santa Claus.

I want to send a telegram for me

to Ogden H. Keel Foundation, New York City.

Is Tristan Brown your accredited representative here?


Mm-hm, oh, send Mr. Quire right up, will you, thank you.

Mr. Quire, right on time.

Ah, be punctual, be brief, and be gone, that's my motto.

Oh, here's the list you asked for.

Thank you.

Oh, I see Juan Gamma's name's on here.

Yes, oh, we're gonna work something out and when we have,

why, he'll be telling everybody I'm his greatest friend.

Good, did you bring the money?

Here it is, 20,000.

Hm. Count it.

Oh, Mr. Quire, I trust you completely,

although I must add I didn't feel the same way

about the rest of the world,

so I suggest we put this in the hotel safe.

You will, of course, keep the receipt.

Eh, just how long will this take?

'Til you get your money back or 'til you get some of ours?


Oh, about a week.

Usually the board in New York acts pretty quickly

on my recommendations.

Sometimes, in fact, we even get the first 100,000

back by return mail.

Mr. Brown, I'm deeply touched by your faith in me.

To the safe?

Ah, may I help you, Mr. Brown?

Yes, I'd like a safe deposit envelope, please.

Of course.

Now, if you'd like to put the money into the envelope.

Seal it.

There you are. Very good, thank you.

Oh, a receipt, please.

Certainly, sir.

Elmer Quire, Q-U-I-R-E.

Thank you, sir. Thank you.

Now, Mr. Quire, I'm afraid you won't be seeing much of me

for the next few days.

I shall be touring around the island

visiting the people on our list.

That's fine.

So much to be done here, Mr. Brown.

The people are simple but so highly intelligent.

Well, if you'll excuse me, Mr. Quire.

But you haven't answered my question.

Question, what question?

The foundation, it does give me complete freedom?

Oh, whether we give you one or a million dollars,

it's yours to dispose of entirely as you wish.

Now I really do have to--

Thank you, Mr. Brown, thank you.



Mr. Tristan Brown, I presume.

I'm afraid so.

And who was that?

As a matter of fact, that was Elmer Quire.

And he's panting at the idea of getting his hands

on a Keel Foundation endowment, huh?

As you could see, he was positively drooling.

How much did he put up to get himself considered?


Which is now in a sealed envelope.

Yes. Filled with folded paper.

Ah, you've been reading the stories.

Dozens of them.

You are going to jail just as soon as I can get

to a telephone and call the police.

Tristan, I can explain everything.

Explain what, that you're a liar, a cheat,

the minute my back is turned, you--

The minute your back's turned?

You were supposed to be away for two days.

Well, as a matter of fact, Judge Hendricks got sick

and I had to come straight back.

Oh? And so I checked out

of my other hotel and I came here.

May I ask why?

Because I'm falling in love you with you.

Oh, er, would you excuse us?

Tristan, er, please let me explain.

I thought you were the most wonderful man in the world.

I trusted you.

Well, just go on and trust me a little longer, hm?

Now, Ed, we wouldn't want it known

that you used your government position

in order to get a $16,000 kickback

off that new reservoir construction, now would we?

No, well, now, Ed, all you have to do

is you just give me a good, rousing reference

when that Mr. Brown calls on you.

Yes, thank you, Ed.

I knew I could count on you.

Well, did you see Kendle?

Sure did, boss.

And? He was getting off the boat.

Alicron convinced him.

Good, then the only fly in the ointment is Juan Gamma.

Yeah, he's a stubborn little guy.

I'm not gonna have a Keel Foundation grant loused up

by this little dumb Puerto Rican mush mouth.

If he's not cooperative, you fix him.

I fix him, boss, I fix him good .

Here you are, Juan, $20,000.

For us?

You mean we stay on our land?


Mamacita, it is a miracle.

Ah, si.

Senor Templar, are you a millionaire?

Well, er, not quite, but I manage.

Sure do.

I no understand, why you do such a thing for me?

Well, Juan, I don't like to see anybody taken,

and that's what Quire is trying to do to you.

Yesterday in his office, I heard him setting a deal

with an American textile company

to sell your farm for $110,000.

But why?

They want it for a factory site.

Oh, you see, I say all along, Quire is an evil man.

Now you can pay him off.

Oh, but senor, how can we repay you?

What is your price?

I have none.

Mamacita, did I not tell you someone would help us?

Ah, si, Juano.

Oh, senorita, you must love Senor Templar

with all your heart.

Oh, I wouldn't go that far.


But you both get married, no?

Like Juano and me, we have much years of love.

Well, it'd be much years of something,

I can tell you that. I tell you what, Juan,

you get dressed, I'll drop you off in the village.

You can pay Quire off right now.

Si, you wait just two minutes.

Excuse please, I help.

Well, counselor?

I don't know why I don't just call up the police

and hand you right in.

'Cause you have a very kind heart.

Now, Victor.


Been in any good fights lately?

No, senor.

Tristan, Elmer Quire tried to swindle Juan

out of a fortune and I stopped him.

It's my kind of justice.

Well, it isn't mine.

Alright, where's our next stop, police station?

I don't know.

Well, you mind if I make a suggestion?

Go ahead.

Have dinner with me, and then at the end of the evening,

you can decide whether to throw me to the wolves or not.

Simon, I could murder you, I really could.

Come straight home, Juano, no drinking of beer.

Si, I come home.

Come on.

New machinery and some more chickens

and a dress for Dolores, no, two new dresses.

And for Victor, strong shoes.

Oh, senor, I am so happy.

I am dizzy with happiness.

So are we, aren't we, Tristan?

Dizzy describes it exactly.

Now remember, Juan,

get the paper back you signed and a receipt.


Er, call me at the hotel as soon as you're through.

I'll wait for you in the lobby.

By the way, I moved back to the Playa.

Si, I phone.

Good, you don't have to tell Quire

where you got the money.

It's none of his business.


Good luck to you.

With $20,000, who needs luck?

Come in.

Come in.

Ah, Juan, I'm delighted to see you.

Thank you, senor.

Oh, do come in, my dear fellow, do sit down, please.

There, you know, I've been very worried about you, yes.

Deep down inside, you know, I'm soft and sentimental,

and it hurt me that you and I should quarrel.

There is no need now to quarrel, senor.

Of course not, of course not.

Why, we'll work something out.

I shall probably be able to find you another farm.

Another farm?

Now look, Juan, I value your friendship very, very much.

Now if anybody should ask you, I want you to be able to say

that Elmer Quire is your very good friend.

But you are not my friend,

and I come here only to pay back what I owe you.

What? Si.

I pay you back the loan.

Where'd you get that money?

From a friend. You're lying.

No, senor.

You tell me where you got that money from--

Senor, you are a cheat and a liar.

You want to sell my farm to big factory for much money.

Well, now you cannot.

I pay back what I owe.

You'll give me the receipt and the paper I sign.

I will like the devil.

Then I go at once to Judge Hendricks

and I show him the money and he come

and he make you keep your bargain.

You give me the receipt and the paper I sign now.

Ah, come on, Juan, let's talk it over.

Now, senor.

And the paper.

Thank you, senor, and I wish now

never to speak to you again in my life.

And you got a receipt?

Fine, alright, Juan, I'll be seeing you.

You're more than welcome, adios.

So Juan can now call the farm his own.

And the great Simon Templar is once more

covered with virtuous self satisfaction.


Now if you'll excuse me,

I'll toddle along to the airlines office

and see whether I can get on a night flight.

Suppose I don't let you go.

It's nice to be prepared.

Anyway, you promised not to decide until after dinner.

Oh, Mr. Quire!

Oh, hello, Mrs. Hendricks, how are you?

Oh, I'm fine, thanks, but the judge is real poorly.

Oh, I'm sorry.

His ulcers again, had a fierce attack this morning.

We were out with that darling Tristan Brown.

Had to turn back.

Have you met her, she's a honey.


Are you talking about the Tristan Brown

who's a representative of the Keel Foundation?

Yes, of course.

She's a woman?

Elmer, have you been drinking?

Of course not.


Yes, Mr. Quire.

You have an envelope for me, get it.

You ruined a brand new pair of stockings.

I'm sorry.

Well, why don't you look where you're going?

Why don't you shut your big trap and drop down the sewer?

Well, really!

Here you are, Mr. Quire.

Is something wrong, Mr. Quire?

Is Mr. Tristan Brown in the hotel?

Oh, no sir, I am sorry, Mr. Brown checked out.

I'll flay him alive.

The oldest con trick in the world and I fell for it.

Gee, I'm sorry, boss.

Sorry, Twinewright's coming here tonight

with a check for $110,000.

How can I sell him Juan's farm when it isn't mine to sell?

A beautiful deal loused up by a dumb peasant farmer

and a slick con artist.

And you think that Juan got the money from this guy

who calls himself Tristan Brown?

It's obvious, isn't it?

Why don't you call the police?

Ah, what's the good of the police?

What can they do between now and 10 o'clock?

Tristan Brown's probably on a plane this minute.

But boss, Juan isn't.

No, he isn't, is he?

Let's go.

Drink up, mamacita, be gay.

Too much wine, Juano, my head, she's a spin .

Tonight, we will light candles to Our Lady,

and then in the village, a grand meal at the Cielito Lindo.

Who is that?

Juano, it's Elmer Quire and those men.

Did you really think you'd get away with it, Juan?

Heh, well, well, all nicely laid out for the taking.


No, pigs!

I curse you.

You listen to me, you lousy little peasant.

That money belongs to me and I want you, your woman,

and your unwashed brats out of this house by the morning.

You steal my farm to sell it for much money.

I've sold it, Juan, and just so nothing goes wrong,

nobody leaves this house until after midnight.

Let this be a lesson to you.

Nobody puts one over on Elmer Quire, nobody.

See no one leaves.

Sure, boss.

Well, since you've decided to leave tonight,

I guess I can't stop you.

Well, as much as I love your company,

I'm afraid Puerto Rico

won't be very healthy for me this time tomorrow.

Hey, hey!

We played a lot of tennis, you know,

'cause I had to win , how dare you!

Mr. Templar, help me.

Victor, alright, this young man's my guest.

But Mr. Templar-I said my guest!

If you say so, Mr. Templar.

Alright now, Victor, what's this all about?

Senor Quire take back my papa's money and papers.

Is big trouble.

What do you mean, take them back?

He come to the house with bad men.

Papa and Mama are prisoners.

I'd better go.

See you later, Tristan.

I'm coming, too.


Jarvis Twinewright here, Mr. Quire.

Sorry I've been delayed.

I'll be over in about 15 minutes.

That'll be fine, Mr. Twinewright.

I'll be waiting for you.

Papa, Papa!

Juano, it's Victor.

I get.

Uh-uh, I get.

Hey, kid, you come here.

Try and make me, fat pig.

Fat pig, who you talking about--

I thought I told you

about picking on people your own size.

Hit him, senor, go, hit more!

Simon, you were wonderful.

Oh, thank you, Tristan.

Mr. Templar, you the best fighter in the world.

Ah, coming from you, Victor, that's a real compliment.

Juan, we'd better get moving.

Night's not over yet and we have a lot of work to do.

Here we are, sir.

Thank you, Mr. Twinewright, and now the land is yours.

And here is my certified check for $110,000.

You know, Mr. Quire, it's been a great pleasure

doing business with you, sir, a great pleasure.

And the same goes for me, too, Mr. Twinewright.

Well, Quire.

Why, you get--

Mr. Quire, who are these people?

Get outta here!

Shut up, Elmer.

My name, sir, is Simon Templar.

This is Tristan Brown and Juan Gamma,

whose farm is being illegally sold to you as a factory site.


That's a lie.

Elmer, if you speak again without being spoken to,

I'll shove my fist down your lying throat.

Now, Mr. Twinewright, I'll try and explain

the illegalities of the situation.

Juan Gamma borrowed some money from Shylock Quire,

putting up his farm as a security.

Eager Elmer took the mortgage and the promissory note.

But that is perfectly legal, sir.

Oh, very legal, except for one thing.

Juan Gamma paid off the note this afternoon.

He what?

Ah, lies, all of it.

Has Juan got a receipt?

No, and here is his promissory note.

Which you sent two of your muscle boys out to his farm

this afternoon to take back by force.

Mr. Templar, these are very serious accusations, sir.

Every word of it is true.

Ah, it's all very well throwing these accusations around,

but the fact remains, the deal is signed.

Mr. Twinewright here has Juan's farm,

and there's his check for $110,000 .

It's all perfectly legal and finalized.

I'm afraid it isn't.

What do you know about it?

I happen to be a practicing lawyer, and also,

oddly enough, I know how to read.

Juan's payment is not due until midnight.

Ah, this is ridiculous.

Well, I don't know, four minutes is better than nothing.

Alright, Mr. Templar, you pay me $12,000

and you can have Juan's note and mortgage.

Can you do that?

No, I'm afraid I can't.



How 'bout you, Miss Lawyer Brown?

No, I can't.

Fine, then in order to satisfy legal technicality,

we'll just sit around here for four minutes,

since nobody has $12,000.

But I have, sir.

It has always been a great pride with me, sir,

to conduct my business honestly in the true tradition

of the great state of South Carolina.

Mr. Gamma, sir, would you do me the honor

of accepting $12,000 for a period of 10 months?

Mr. Twinewright, to the completion of the deal

on your new factory site.

Thanks to you, sir.

Well, thanks to you, Juan's a rich man.

Mr. Templar, how much is $110,000 take away 12,000?

Where I come from, son, that's 98 grand.

To buy a fine new farm, big.

Si, and with one big kitchen.

And Mr. Templar and Miss Brown

will stay here at the hotel forever as my guests.

Sit down, Victor.

That's very kind of you, Juan,

but I'm afraid a week is my limit.

A week, Simon, don't be so mean.

Oh, I can't help it, it's the way I'm made.

By nature, I'm a very unkind philanthropist.