The Roman Holidays (1972–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Double Date - full transcript
- There you go, Mr. Holiday.
- Thank you.
Hey, how come you're not watching
the big ball game?
Oh, there's plenty of time
till the kickoff.
Hey, your watch is slow.
Yipes! I've missed half the game.
I forgot to wind my hourglass.
I'll see you.
There. Perfect.
Oh, Mommy,
I'm so tired of wearing these maxis.
Can you make me a mini toga?
Well, this is the style, dear.
When in Rome,
you do as the Romans do.
- Yeah, but all the other--
- The game, the game.
I'm missing the game.
The Trojans and the Vikings.
What channel?
Let me see. Channel 4.
ANNOUNCER (ON TV) : We're late
in the game here at the coliseum.
It's been a scoreless game
but the Trojans are threatening.
They have the ball on the Viking 3
here in the closing minutes.
Football.
Well, I guess we've lost Pop
for the day again.
Shh, shh!
ANNOUNCER: Anthony hands off
to Crazy Legs Hannibal.
Wait. It looks like the hidden ball trick.
The old-ball-in-the-helmet bit.
Get them. Get them, you guys.
Oops!
That's my TV chair, Brutus.
Cut it out, will you?
Come on, hop out of there.
Hannibal scores. Touchdown.
The game's over. The Trojans win.
Now see what you did.
You made me miss the touchdown.
BRUTUS:
Whimper. Whimper.
(KNOCKING)
MAN:
All right. All right, open up in there.
- Open up, I say.
GUS: Uh-oh.
This is Evictus, your landlord.
Okay, what have you done now?
Every time the landlord visits,
it doesn't have to mean trouble, does it?
It has been ever since he came here.
Oh, probably just a social call.
Come in, Mr. Evictus.
All right, all right.
Where is he? Where is he?
GUS: Who?
- Where's that lion of yours?
He walked right over my fresh pavement.
His paw marks are all over the cement.
Now, what makes you think
it was my lion?
EVICTUS:
All we have to do is check his paws.
(GULPS)
Uh-oh.
Oh, that's not possible.
Why, Brutus isn't--
- Well, he's--
- That's right, he's--
Well, that is, I don't see him.
EVICTUS: Then I'm sure you don't mind
if I peek around a bit...
...and see for myself.
Help yourself. You won't find him here.
But if I do and after checking his paws...
...and I find they have cement on them,
well...
...it won't end like Cinderella. No.
Out you go. All of you.
You're too nice, Mr. Evictus.
How could you do a thing like that?
In your case, with pleasure.
GUS:
Checking a lion's paws indeed.
Come on, now.
This whole thing sounds like a fairy tale.
A very bad tale.
It does, eh? Well, let me tell you--
All right. Come on out of there.
Well, I'll be. Empty.
I could've sworn that lion was in there.
GUS:
It's your imagination.
Next time,
you'll learn to trust your tenants.
Yeah, yeah. My mistake.
I'm sorry for all the trouble I caused.
I guess that lion is really out of town.
Hey, you overgrown alley cat.
Pavement paws.
Hanging out in chandeliers, eh?
Well, Holidays, you're out too.
Right out of this house. Evicted.
Mr. Evictus,
you're the meanest man I know.
Thank you. Heaven knows I try.
We'll have to live out in the park.
Out in the cold.
No warmth,
no shelter because of you, Brutus.
Sob, sob.
Sob, sob, sob.
Evictus, how will you sleep nights?
Like a baby. Like a baby.
But we're good tenants.
We pay the rent on time,
we're quiet, respect--
(DRUMS POUNDING)
Quiet, huh?
And that racket's another reason
I want you out.
Happy, put a muffler on your drums.
Sorry, Dad, I was just practicing
for the school prom Saturday night.
Prom? Saturday night?
Well, now, about the eviction.
Maybe we can make a deal.
You mean we won't have to move
after all?
Down. Down, boy.
If there's one thing I can't stand,
it's an emotional lion.
What's the deal? What do we do?
My daughter Snobia
hasn't been asked out.
I want her to go to that prom.
You want us to find a date for her?
Is that all?
Not quite.
I also want her
to have the best time of her life.
- And if we see to that, we can stay?
EVICTUS: Right.
- Evictus, you've got a deal.
EVICTUS: Okay.
But remember, if Snobia says
she didn't have a good time, you're out.
- Don't worry. I'll take care of everything.
- Oh, and thank you, Mr. Evictus.
You're really a very, very kind man.
Please. Don't upset me.
Well, our troubles are over.
Just get a date for Snobia.
Gee, Dad, I don't know.
It's not gonna be easy to get a date
for that zombie Snobia.
Yeah, I don't know anyone around
who'd take her out.
- I do.
HAPPY: Who?
- You.
- But I can't, Pop.
I've got a date with Groovia.
We're going steady.
Besides, I couldn't spend any time with her.
I've got to play in the band, remember?
That does it.
Shall I start packing, Pop?
- Do we move to the park?
GUS: Not yet.
Now, son,
let's go down to the ice cream parlor.
We'll talk to your friends about Snobia.
One of them must owe you a favor,
right?
Believe me, Pop. Not that big a favor.
HAPPY:
It's not gonna work, Pop. No way.
Look, a date for Snobia is the only way
we're gonna save our home.
Get one of your friends here.
We'll offer to pay him for his time.
- You know, a little cash for the bash.
- Pop, this is my friend Mark.
Say, aren't you the boy
I dragged out of the lake last winter?
That's right, sir. You saved my life.
Well, well, well.
Son, how'd you like to do me a favor
and make $5 besides?
Take money from the man
who pulled me out of the lake? Never.
Just say the word
and I'll do anything for you, sir. Anything.
I want you to take Snobia to the prom.
Would you throw me back
in the lake, sir?
You see what I mean, Pop? It's nowhere.
Well, we've had it.
No date, no house.
We're gonna end up living in the park.
Come on, Gus.
Things aren't that bad yet. Cheer up.
Well, how can I be cheerful...
...when I know my next neighbor's
gonna be a woodpecker?
(KNOCKING)
The door. I'll get it.
- I hope it isn't Evictus.
- Hi, Groovia.
Hi, Hap. Hi, everyone.
Right after I spoke to you...
...I called every fellow I know
to see if they'd go out with Snobia.
And what did they say? What?
In a word, yuck.
Oh, dear.
There's gotta be someone.
There just has to be.
Wait a minute. My nephew.
He's just the right age.
Yeah, Claudius would be perfect.
LAURIE:
Claudius?
But we haven't seen him in years.
We don't even know what he's like now.
Look, he's my family, isn't he?
So he's gotta be perfect.
I'll call and invite him.
It will make a nice change from the farm.
Yes, sir, our troubles are over.
Old Gus has come up
with the answer again.
MAN (OVER SPEAKERS) :
Attention. Planes arriving at Gate 3.
The bus from Parma, Pisa
and downtown Pasta Fazola.
That's it. Claudius' bus.
Come on, let's go.
- How will we recognize him?
- A cinch.
Just look for the tallest, handsomest
and most sophisticated boy in the bus.
Hey, there's the bus pulling in now.
All right. Keep an eye out for the one
that looks like Stefano McQuinnis.
Howdy. I'm Claudius.
And I'm homeless.
Howdy, Cousin Homeless.
Oh, brother.
This is my daughter, Precocia.
Don't judge him yet, honey.
You can't tell a book by its cover.
Yeah, and I could be Cleopatra.
Oh, welcome to Rome, Claudius.
CLAUDIUS:
Well, thank you, cousin.
Shall we go?
Darn sandals.
Never will get used to wearing them.
PRECOCIA: Maybe it would help if you put
the right sandal on the right foot...
...and the left sandal on the left foot.
You mean, there's a difference?
Golly.
Look at them skyscrapers.
I just don't believe I'm here.
I'm not sure all of them is.
I can't wait to see the sights.
See them? He's gonna be one of them.
Claudius, have you ever gone out
on a date?
You mean with a girl-type person?
Of course with a girl.
Who would go out on a date with a boy?
CLAUDIUS: My sister.
PRECOCIA: Daddy?
- Can we go home through the park?
- Oh, but that's the long way around.
Oh, I know.
But I just thought we might like
to take a look at our new home.
Precocia.
And this is our apartment, Claudius.
And our pet. Down, Brutus.
Golly.
Everything is really big here in the city.
Look at the size of that pussycat.
GUS:
That's a lion.
Well, I'll be.
Sure is a friendly, furry fellow.
Come on, cousin.
I'll show you to your room.
I don't know, Mr. Holiday.
I just don't think he's Snobia's type.
You may be right.
But we've got to get her a date
or we'll lose the apartment.
Oh, who? Who?
We need a real dreamboat.
GROOVIA:
He's got to be sophisticated.
HAPPY:
And he's gotta be a good dancer.
And he has to be a-- Yuck!
Look, don't try to make up with me.
If it weren't for you,
we wouldn't be in this boat.
There just has to be someone.
If I were only 20 years younger,
I'd take her myself.
GROOVIA: Wait a minute.
We might just get away with it.
- Huh?
- But he could never pass for a teenager.
Why not?
The right clothes,
a few little touch-ups...
...and we have Snobia's escort
for the prom.
- What do you say, Pop?
- Okay, kids.
With your help,
a teenager is about to be born.
Welcome, welcome, welcome
to the Tip, Top and Togas.
- May I help you?
- Yes.
We're looking for something real mod
to wear to a school prom.
Well, let's see.
I'd say you're about a size....
- It's for me.
- You?
For a school prom?
My, you're a slow learner, aren't you?
I just love to make funnies.
Can you fit me into a teenage toga?
Well, we may have to grease you a little.
Well, let's see.
My, my. That's no teenage middle.
Our first hurdle
will be a tin tummy girdle.
Now, this model's our biggest hit.
It really packs them in.
A little tailor shop humor there.
Our fitter will help you into it.
Lay it on him, Gripius.
(GRUNTING)
HAPPY:
You okay, Pop?
My girdle is killing me.
We have bell bottoms and straights.
How about this tie-dye toga?
Oh, it's really you.
- Well, I--
- Uh-uh-uh!
Don't touch the toga. This is brand new.
It's perfect. Just what you need, Pop.
- Well--
- Uh-uh-uh.
No touching.
This is very delicate material.
You wanna buy it or not?
Okay, we'll take it.
Good. Good.
Take your ticket off the toga.
GUS:
Hey, what's he doing with my new toga?
HAPPY:
Making it look old.
Teenage clothes have to be old and worn
to be modern.
Oh, I'll never understand
the kids of today.
Well, you better learn fast, Pop.
You've got until tomorrow night
to be one.
Hey,
what are we doing here at this wig shop?
If you're gonna look like one of us,
you gotta have longer hair.
Oh, how long does it have to be?
Long enough so everybody's
always telling you to get it cut.
This one is absolutely electrifying.
We call it
our Tangle Teen Topper model.
It's tops in toupees.
Oh, I don't know.
It's groovy, Mr. Holiday.
- You'll need matching sideburns.
- I will?
There. You've stepped back in time.
I'll say.
Right back to the caveman.
HAPPY:
I think you look great, Dad.
- How do you feel?
- Silly.
Not silly, Dad. The word today is freaky.
Oh, clothes, language.
I'll never learn all this. Let's go home.
HAPPY: Dad, if you want a home to go to,
you'd better learn.
He's walking wrong.
- All wrong.
- I am?
This is the way I've walked all my life.
It's worked fine.
- But you don't walk like we do.
GUS: I don't?
HAPPY: You've got to drag your feet,
scuff your heels and move real slow.
- Like this?
HAPPY: That's it.
I'll try to remember.
HAPPY:
Oh, that's another thing, Dad.
Don't talk so clearly. Mumble.
(MUMBLES)
- You mean like this maybe?
- Perfect. You've got it.
By the way, what did you say?
Honey, we're home.
- Hey, where are you?
- In here, dear.
(LAUGHING)
Guffaw. Guffaw.
What's so funny?
Gus?
In person. The perfect date for Snobia.
Doesn't he look groovy?
LAURIE:
It just might work.
Oops. Suddenly I remembered.
What about Claudius?
He's expecting to go to the prom.
Don't worry. He'll be my date.
Then it's all settled.
Tomorrow night, I pick up Snobia
and show her the time of her life.
Yes, sir, we'll be home free.
Golly.
It sure is exciting
going to a real prom party.
But why are you wearing that get-up,
Uncle Gus?
Well, you see, it's kind of a make believe
costume party too.
So don't call me Uncle Gus.
Tonight, just call me Smoothius.
Got it. Smoothius.
Uncle Smoothius.
Oh, boy.
No, Claudius. Just Smoothius.
- Drop the "uncle," huh?
- Okay, Gus.
(GUS GROANS)
GUS:
Here's Evictus' house.
CLAUDIUS:
Golly. What's that?
HAPPY:
Oh, no, don't tell me.
Evictus has his own parking meter?
You know old money bags.
Well, he sure doesn't miss a bet,
does he?
I hope this works.
HAPPY:
Don't worry, Dad. We'll get away with it.
Of course we will.
Being young is just a state of mind,
right?
HAPPY: This is Snobia's date
for the prom, Mr. Evictus.
Boy, these kids get weirder-looking
every day.
Weird. Weird.
Snobia, he or it is here.
My daughter, Snobia.
Oh, I didn't get your name.
I didn't flip it over, baby,
because I'm a cool cat with a groovy style.
Well, as you can see,
he's a barrel of fun.
I don't know about the fun
but he is a barrel.
Actually, the moniker is Smoothius.
For a Smoothius,
you sure got a lot of wrinkles.
Those are just laugh lines.
You see, I'm a big jokester.
Like, you know what one tonsil
said to the other tonsil?
Get dressed.
The doctor is taking us out tonight.
(GUS LAUGHS)
Oh, boy. We better get going.
- Come on.
- Not so fast.
I don't let my daughter go out
with just any Tom, Dick or Herod.
I promise you, sir.
I am a gentleman with very high morals.
Okay, have a good time.
But don't bring her home late
or I won't validate your parking ticket.
But don't bring her home late
or I won't validate your parking ticket.
Well, where's Snobia?
Talking to friends.
I'm getting her some punch.
Go ahead, Claudius. You first.
Thank you kindly.
Awful cold for wash water.
That's not for washing.
You're supposed to drink it.
Well, I'll be.
Okay, if you say so.
Boy, what a rube.
It's a good thing
we didn't pair him up with Snobia.
Do you really think
you can keep her fooled?
No strain. Watch.
Yeah, we were surfing at the beach
this afternoon.
It was great.
How about you, Smoothius?
- You like to hang 10?
- Hang what?
Do you use the white water slide
or a boiler stick?
Don't tell me you wiped out back
to a mud chicken.
Well, Jack, do you surf or don't you?
Oh, surf. No, I don't.
But I go swimming every Thursday
at the Y.
I can go all the way
across the pool in one breath.
Well, great.
Well, what else do you do for laughs?
- You got a chopper?
- A cho--
Oh, sure. Wouldn't be without it.
You use it on highway or dirt?
Dirt? No, no, no.
I use it mainly on onions or tomatoes.
Chop some up real great for sandwiches.
- Should we sit down and rap a little?
- About what?
Well, you know, road taxes,
chariot insurance, coliseum rates.
Real hip stuff like that.
Oh, dear, I'd better do something.
Happy, better play some music quick.
Maybe if your father's dancing,
he can keep his foot out of his mouth.
Like to dance?
Well, sure, but why don't we wait
for some slow music?
SNOBIA:
This is the slow music.
Good. They're dancing.
Yes, sir.
They don't call me Smoothius for nothing.
If that's your idea of dancing,
they ought to call you Clunkius.
There's something strange about you.
No, no, no, you're wrong. Look at me.
I'm just a normal, regular, average,
fun-loving kid like yourself.
Uh-oh.
WOMAN:
Hey, look, everybody.
He's doing that new dance.
The Funky Pheasant.
Say, he's really cutting loose, isn't he?
I'm afraid what's really gonna cut loose
is that tin girdle.
Happy, look out.
Duck.
HAPPY:
There goes our sound system.
Oh, that did it.
You danced right out of your costume,
Gus.
I'm afraid
there won't be any more dancing.
Our guitar amplifier
was shot down in flames by a flying girdle.
That does it.
I've never had a worse evening
in my life.
Let's go.
Okay. I'll get Claudius.
Let me have a look
at that thingamawhoses.
It's no use, Claudius.
It's a very complicated gadget.
Highly technical.
CLAUDIUS: Maybe if that there jigger
went to this here whatsis...
...and that there went here
and that there.
And now.
Hey, it's working. Come on.
With a one and a two and a go, go, go.
Isn't that Claudius the greatest?
Your daughter's sure lucky
to have a date with him.
- My daughter?
- Tell you what.
I'll swap. You can have Claudius.
I'll settle for Smoothius
in whatever shape he is.
It's a deal.
She really goes for Claudius.
Oh, but then who'd ever dream
he could do all that?
Well, it's like I told Precocia.
You can't tell a book by its cover.
- Right?
- Sure.
Who am I to quarrel with my father?
And I'm glad
I don't need all this stuff anymore.
Oh, it was worth it.
Snobia's having such a good time.
We'll be able to keep our apartment.
Providing that freeloading lion of ours
doesn't get us in any more jams.
LAURIE:
Oh, stop worrying about Brutus.
He's home fast asleep.
He won't make any trouble.
Brutus.
A teenage lion.
Oh, no.
- Thank you.
Hey, how come you're not watching
the big ball game?
Oh, there's plenty of time
till the kickoff.
Hey, your watch is slow.
Yipes! I've missed half the game.
I forgot to wind my hourglass.
I'll see you.
There. Perfect.
Oh, Mommy,
I'm so tired of wearing these maxis.
Can you make me a mini toga?
Well, this is the style, dear.
When in Rome,
you do as the Romans do.
- Yeah, but all the other--
- The game, the game.
I'm missing the game.
The Trojans and the Vikings.
What channel?
Let me see. Channel 4.
ANNOUNCER (ON TV) : We're late
in the game here at the coliseum.
It's been a scoreless game
but the Trojans are threatening.
They have the ball on the Viking 3
here in the closing minutes.
Football.
Well, I guess we've lost Pop
for the day again.
Shh, shh!
ANNOUNCER: Anthony hands off
to Crazy Legs Hannibal.
Wait. It looks like the hidden ball trick.
The old-ball-in-the-helmet bit.
Get them. Get them, you guys.
Oops!
That's my TV chair, Brutus.
Cut it out, will you?
Come on, hop out of there.
Hannibal scores. Touchdown.
The game's over. The Trojans win.
Now see what you did.
You made me miss the touchdown.
BRUTUS:
Whimper. Whimper.
(KNOCKING)
MAN:
All right. All right, open up in there.
- Open up, I say.
GUS: Uh-oh.
This is Evictus, your landlord.
Okay, what have you done now?
Every time the landlord visits,
it doesn't have to mean trouble, does it?
It has been ever since he came here.
Oh, probably just a social call.
Come in, Mr. Evictus.
All right, all right.
Where is he? Where is he?
GUS: Who?
- Where's that lion of yours?
He walked right over my fresh pavement.
His paw marks are all over the cement.
Now, what makes you think
it was my lion?
EVICTUS:
All we have to do is check his paws.
(GULPS)
Uh-oh.
Oh, that's not possible.
Why, Brutus isn't--
- Well, he's--
- That's right, he's--
Well, that is, I don't see him.
EVICTUS: Then I'm sure you don't mind
if I peek around a bit...
...and see for myself.
Help yourself. You won't find him here.
But if I do and after checking his paws...
...and I find they have cement on them,
well...
...it won't end like Cinderella. No.
Out you go. All of you.
You're too nice, Mr. Evictus.
How could you do a thing like that?
In your case, with pleasure.
GUS:
Checking a lion's paws indeed.
Come on, now.
This whole thing sounds like a fairy tale.
A very bad tale.
It does, eh? Well, let me tell you--
All right. Come on out of there.
Well, I'll be. Empty.
I could've sworn that lion was in there.
GUS:
It's your imagination.
Next time,
you'll learn to trust your tenants.
Yeah, yeah. My mistake.
I'm sorry for all the trouble I caused.
I guess that lion is really out of town.
Hey, you overgrown alley cat.
Pavement paws.
Hanging out in chandeliers, eh?
Well, Holidays, you're out too.
Right out of this house. Evicted.
Mr. Evictus,
you're the meanest man I know.
Thank you. Heaven knows I try.
We'll have to live out in the park.
Out in the cold.
No warmth,
no shelter because of you, Brutus.
Sob, sob.
Sob, sob, sob.
Evictus, how will you sleep nights?
Like a baby. Like a baby.
But we're good tenants.
We pay the rent on time,
we're quiet, respect--
(DRUMS POUNDING)
Quiet, huh?
And that racket's another reason
I want you out.
Happy, put a muffler on your drums.
Sorry, Dad, I was just practicing
for the school prom Saturday night.
Prom? Saturday night?
Well, now, about the eviction.
Maybe we can make a deal.
You mean we won't have to move
after all?
Down. Down, boy.
If there's one thing I can't stand,
it's an emotional lion.
What's the deal? What do we do?
My daughter Snobia
hasn't been asked out.
I want her to go to that prom.
You want us to find a date for her?
Is that all?
Not quite.
I also want her
to have the best time of her life.
- And if we see to that, we can stay?
EVICTUS: Right.
- Evictus, you've got a deal.
EVICTUS: Okay.
But remember, if Snobia says
she didn't have a good time, you're out.
- Don't worry. I'll take care of everything.
- Oh, and thank you, Mr. Evictus.
You're really a very, very kind man.
Please. Don't upset me.
Well, our troubles are over.
Just get a date for Snobia.
Gee, Dad, I don't know.
It's not gonna be easy to get a date
for that zombie Snobia.
Yeah, I don't know anyone around
who'd take her out.
- I do.
HAPPY: Who?
- You.
- But I can't, Pop.
I've got a date with Groovia.
We're going steady.
Besides, I couldn't spend any time with her.
I've got to play in the band, remember?
That does it.
Shall I start packing, Pop?
- Do we move to the park?
GUS: Not yet.
Now, son,
let's go down to the ice cream parlor.
We'll talk to your friends about Snobia.
One of them must owe you a favor,
right?
Believe me, Pop. Not that big a favor.
HAPPY:
It's not gonna work, Pop. No way.
Look, a date for Snobia is the only way
we're gonna save our home.
Get one of your friends here.
We'll offer to pay him for his time.
- You know, a little cash for the bash.
- Pop, this is my friend Mark.
Say, aren't you the boy
I dragged out of the lake last winter?
That's right, sir. You saved my life.
Well, well, well.
Son, how'd you like to do me a favor
and make $5 besides?
Take money from the man
who pulled me out of the lake? Never.
Just say the word
and I'll do anything for you, sir. Anything.
I want you to take Snobia to the prom.
Would you throw me back
in the lake, sir?
You see what I mean, Pop? It's nowhere.
Well, we've had it.
No date, no house.
We're gonna end up living in the park.
Come on, Gus.
Things aren't that bad yet. Cheer up.
Well, how can I be cheerful...
...when I know my next neighbor's
gonna be a woodpecker?
(KNOCKING)
The door. I'll get it.
- I hope it isn't Evictus.
- Hi, Groovia.
Hi, Hap. Hi, everyone.
Right after I spoke to you...
...I called every fellow I know
to see if they'd go out with Snobia.
And what did they say? What?
In a word, yuck.
Oh, dear.
There's gotta be someone.
There just has to be.
Wait a minute. My nephew.
He's just the right age.
Yeah, Claudius would be perfect.
LAURIE:
Claudius?
But we haven't seen him in years.
We don't even know what he's like now.
Look, he's my family, isn't he?
So he's gotta be perfect.
I'll call and invite him.
It will make a nice change from the farm.
Yes, sir, our troubles are over.
Old Gus has come up
with the answer again.
MAN (OVER SPEAKERS) :
Attention. Planes arriving at Gate 3.
The bus from Parma, Pisa
and downtown Pasta Fazola.
That's it. Claudius' bus.
Come on, let's go.
- How will we recognize him?
- A cinch.
Just look for the tallest, handsomest
and most sophisticated boy in the bus.
Hey, there's the bus pulling in now.
All right. Keep an eye out for the one
that looks like Stefano McQuinnis.
Howdy. I'm Claudius.
And I'm homeless.
Howdy, Cousin Homeless.
Oh, brother.
This is my daughter, Precocia.
Don't judge him yet, honey.
You can't tell a book by its cover.
Yeah, and I could be Cleopatra.
Oh, welcome to Rome, Claudius.
CLAUDIUS:
Well, thank you, cousin.
Shall we go?
Darn sandals.
Never will get used to wearing them.
PRECOCIA: Maybe it would help if you put
the right sandal on the right foot...
...and the left sandal on the left foot.
You mean, there's a difference?
Golly.
Look at them skyscrapers.
I just don't believe I'm here.
I'm not sure all of them is.
I can't wait to see the sights.
See them? He's gonna be one of them.
Claudius, have you ever gone out
on a date?
You mean with a girl-type person?
Of course with a girl.
Who would go out on a date with a boy?
CLAUDIUS: My sister.
PRECOCIA: Daddy?
- Can we go home through the park?
- Oh, but that's the long way around.
Oh, I know.
But I just thought we might like
to take a look at our new home.
Precocia.
And this is our apartment, Claudius.
And our pet. Down, Brutus.
Golly.
Everything is really big here in the city.
Look at the size of that pussycat.
GUS:
That's a lion.
Well, I'll be.
Sure is a friendly, furry fellow.
Come on, cousin.
I'll show you to your room.
I don't know, Mr. Holiday.
I just don't think he's Snobia's type.
You may be right.
But we've got to get her a date
or we'll lose the apartment.
Oh, who? Who?
We need a real dreamboat.
GROOVIA:
He's got to be sophisticated.
HAPPY:
And he's gotta be a good dancer.
And he has to be a-- Yuck!
Look, don't try to make up with me.
If it weren't for you,
we wouldn't be in this boat.
There just has to be someone.
If I were only 20 years younger,
I'd take her myself.
GROOVIA: Wait a minute.
We might just get away with it.
- Huh?
- But he could never pass for a teenager.
Why not?
The right clothes,
a few little touch-ups...
...and we have Snobia's escort
for the prom.
- What do you say, Pop?
- Okay, kids.
With your help,
a teenager is about to be born.
Welcome, welcome, welcome
to the Tip, Top and Togas.
- May I help you?
- Yes.
We're looking for something real mod
to wear to a school prom.
Well, let's see.
I'd say you're about a size....
- It's for me.
- You?
For a school prom?
My, you're a slow learner, aren't you?
I just love to make funnies.
Can you fit me into a teenage toga?
Well, we may have to grease you a little.
Well, let's see.
My, my. That's no teenage middle.
Our first hurdle
will be a tin tummy girdle.
Now, this model's our biggest hit.
It really packs them in.
A little tailor shop humor there.
Our fitter will help you into it.
Lay it on him, Gripius.
(GRUNTING)
HAPPY:
You okay, Pop?
My girdle is killing me.
We have bell bottoms and straights.
How about this tie-dye toga?
Oh, it's really you.
- Well, I--
- Uh-uh-uh!
Don't touch the toga. This is brand new.
It's perfect. Just what you need, Pop.
- Well--
- Uh-uh-uh.
No touching.
This is very delicate material.
You wanna buy it or not?
Okay, we'll take it.
Good. Good.
Take your ticket off the toga.
GUS:
Hey, what's he doing with my new toga?
HAPPY:
Making it look old.
Teenage clothes have to be old and worn
to be modern.
Oh, I'll never understand
the kids of today.
Well, you better learn fast, Pop.
You've got until tomorrow night
to be one.
Hey,
what are we doing here at this wig shop?
If you're gonna look like one of us,
you gotta have longer hair.
Oh, how long does it have to be?
Long enough so everybody's
always telling you to get it cut.
This one is absolutely electrifying.
We call it
our Tangle Teen Topper model.
It's tops in toupees.
Oh, I don't know.
It's groovy, Mr. Holiday.
- You'll need matching sideburns.
- I will?
There. You've stepped back in time.
I'll say.
Right back to the caveman.
HAPPY:
I think you look great, Dad.
- How do you feel?
- Silly.
Not silly, Dad. The word today is freaky.
Oh, clothes, language.
I'll never learn all this. Let's go home.
HAPPY: Dad, if you want a home to go to,
you'd better learn.
He's walking wrong.
- All wrong.
- I am?
This is the way I've walked all my life.
It's worked fine.
- But you don't walk like we do.
GUS: I don't?
HAPPY: You've got to drag your feet,
scuff your heels and move real slow.
- Like this?
HAPPY: That's it.
I'll try to remember.
HAPPY:
Oh, that's another thing, Dad.
Don't talk so clearly. Mumble.
(MUMBLES)
- You mean like this maybe?
- Perfect. You've got it.
By the way, what did you say?
Honey, we're home.
- Hey, where are you?
- In here, dear.
(LAUGHING)
Guffaw. Guffaw.
What's so funny?
Gus?
In person. The perfect date for Snobia.
Doesn't he look groovy?
LAURIE:
It just might work.
Oops. Suddenly I remembered.
What about Claudius?
He's expecting to go to the prom.
Don't worry. He'll be my date.
Then it's all settled.
Tomorrow night, I pick up Snobia
and show her the time of her life.
Yes, sir, we'll be home free.
Golly.
It sure is exciting
going to a real prom party.
But why are you wearing that get-up,
Uncle Gus?
Well, you see, it's kind of a make believe
costume party too.
So don't call me Uncle Gus.
Tonight, just call me Smoothius.
Got it. Smoothius.
Uncle Smoothius.
Oh, boy.
No, Claudius. Just Smoothius.
- Drop the "uncle," huh?
- Okay, Gus.
(GUS GROANS)
GUS:
Here's Evictus' house.
CLAUDIUS:
Golly. What's that?
HAPPY:
Oh, no, don't tell me.
Evictus has his own parking meter?
You know old money bags.
Well, he sure doesn't miss a bet,
does he?
I hope this works.
HAPPY:
Don't worry, Dad. We'll get away with it.
Of course we will.
Being young is just a state of mind,
right?
HAPPY: This is Snobia's date
for the prom, Mr. Evictus.
Boy, these kids get weirder-looking
every day.
Weird. Weird.
Snobia, he or it is here.
My daughter, Snobia.
Oh, I didn't get your name.
I didn't flip it over, baby,
because I'm a cool cat with a groovy style.
Well, as you can see,
he's a barrel of fun.
I don't know about the fun
but he is a barrel.
Actually, the moniker is Smoothius.
For a Smoothius,
you sure got a lot of wrinkles.
Those are just laugh lines.
You see, I'm a big jokester.
Like, you know what one tonsil
said to the other tonsil?
Get dressed.
The doctor is taking us out tonight.
(GUS LAUGHS)
Oh, boy. We better get going.
- Come on.
- Not so fast.
I don't let my daughter go out
with just any Tom, Dick or Herod.
I promise you, sir.
I am a gentleman with very high morals.
Okay, have a good time.
But don't bring her home late
or I won't validate your parking ticket.
But don't bring her home late
or I won't validate your parking ticket.
Well, where's Snobia?
Talking to friends.
I'm getting her some punch.
Go ahead, Claudius. You first.
Thank you kindly.
Awful cold for wash water.
That's not for washing.
You're supposed to drink it.
Well, I'll be.
Okay, if you say so.
Boy, what a rube.
It's a good thing
we didn't pair him up with Snobia.
Do you really think
you can keep her fooled?
No strain. Watch.
Yeah, we were surfing at the beach
this afternoon.
It was great.
How about you, Smoothius?
- You like to hang 10?
- Hang what?
Do you use the white water slide
or a boiler stick?
Don't tell me you wiped out back
to a mud chicken.
Well, Jack, do you surf or don't you?
Oh, surf. No, I don't.
But I go swimming every Thursday
at the Y.
I can go all the way
across the pool in one breath.
Well, great.
Well, what else do you do for laughs?
- You got a chopper?
- A cho--
Oh, sure. Wouldn't be without it.
You use it on highway or dirt?
Dirt? No, no, no.
I use it mainly on onions or tomatoes.
Chop some up real great for sandwiches.
- Should we sit down and rap a little?
- About what?
Well, you know, road taxes,
chariot insurance, coliseum rates.
Real hip stuff like that.
Oh, dear, I'd better do something.
Happy, better play some music quick.
Maybe if your father's dancing,
he can keep his foot out of his mouth.
Like to dance?
Well, sure, but why don't we wait
for some slow music?
SNOBIA:
This is the slow music.
Good. They're dancing.
Yes, sir.
They don't call me Smoothius for nothing.
If that's your idea of dancing,
they ought to call you Clunkius.
There's something strange about you.
No, no, no, you're wrong. Look at me.
I'm just a normal, regular, average,
fun-loving kid like yourself.
Uh-oh.
WOMAN:
Hey, look, everybody.
He's doing that new dance.
The Funky Pheasant.
Say, he's really cutting loose, isn't he?
I'm afraid what's really gonna cut loose
is that tin girdle.
Happy, look out.
Duck.
HAPPY:
There goes our sound system.
Oh, that did it.
You danced right out of your costume,
Gus.
I'm afraid
there won't be any more dancing.
Our guitar amplifier
was shot down in flames by a flying girdle.
That does it.
I've never had a worse evening
in my life.
Let's go.
Okay. I'll get Claudius.
Let me have a look
at that thingamawhoses.
It's no use, Claudius.
It's a very complicated gadget.
Highly technical.
CLAUDIUS: Maybe if that there jigger
went to this here whatsis...
...and that there went here
and that there.
And now.
Hey, it's working. Come on.
With a one and a two and a go, go, go.
Isn't that Claudius the greatest?
Your daughter's sure lucky
to have a date with him.
- My daughter?
- Tell you what.
I'll swap. You can have Claudius.
I'll settle for Smoothius
in whatever shape he is.
It's a deal.
She really goes for Claudius.
Oh, but then who'd ever dream
he could do all that?
Well, it's like I told Precocia.
You can't tell a book by its cover.
- Right?
- Sure.
Who am I to quarrel with my father?
And I'm glad
I don't need all this stuff anymore.
Oh, it was worth it.
Snobia's having such a good time.
We'll be able to keep our apartment.
Providing that freeloading lion of ours
doesn't get us in any more jams.
LAURIE:
Oh, stop worrying about Brutus.
He's home fast asleep.
He won't make any trouble.
Brutus.
A teenage lion.
Oh, no.