The Righteous Gemstones (2019–…): Season 3, Episode 1 - For I Know the Plans I Have for You - full transcript
In the wake of their father's semi-retirement, Jesse, Judy, and Kelvin must deal with dwindling attendance and donations; Eli is visited by another figure from his past.
The Redeemer,
like the Lord our God above,
shall destroy them with
a mighty destruction
until they all be destroyed.
Through God's teachings, we
can be the monster truck.
We can smush the things that
the devil puts in our way.
Boom.
Now, can I get an amen?
All: Amen!
Whoo!
Y'all know I don't like to cuss,
but what in the hell
is this horseshit
I'm looking at right now?
Ooh, Mama said the S-word.
This has nothing
to do with church.
He's making us look like fools,
talking about we can be
like a monster truck.
I can't believe y'all let him
pull this Hot Wheels mess.
A good turnout, at least.
A very profitable Friday night.
Well, that's gotta
count for something.
We're putting
butts in the seats.
Money ain't everything, baby.
What we gonna do, start
selling beer next?
Get your ice cold beer here.
Beer, beer, beer.
Get your ice cold beer.
Beer, beer, beer.
You.
You're nothing but a fool.
Pretending on TV to be
all kind and caring,
but I know the truth.
May-May?
Damn you to hell, Aimee-Leigh.
Somebody help me! She's
trying to kill me!
Help me!
Help!
Help me!
She's trying to kill me!
You think I'd just live with it,
what you done to my family?
Please, May-May,
this ain't the way.
Now it's your turn to feel...
What the hell? I'm sorry!
We are the elite of
the evangelical world.
Our capes embrace us like
the arms of Jesus Christ.
We wear it in
celebration of his love.
The pistol gives the
power to take life.
The Lord gave us free
will to do as we choose.
Thusly, it is a righteous man
who wears the pistol
yet does no evil.
Under the eyes of
God, we are the men
of the Cape and Pistol Society.
Hey, how you enjoying your
retirement there, Eli?
Oh, he ain't retired.
He's writing books.
He's doing press.
Admit it, Eli, you can't
stay out of the spotlight.
No, no, no.
You better believe I'm gonna
be fishing and sipping.
Fishing and sipping.
You scared your
kids gonna blow it.
Pretty much.
♪ We're marching to Zion ♪
♪ Beautiful, beautiful Zion ♪
♪ We're marching
upward to Zion ♪
♪ The beautiful city of God ♪
Zion is a beautiful resort, sir.
Yeah.
Heaven on Earth.
- Amen.
- Yeah.
Take it in while you can.
What's that?
Really, Gregory?
I had a fucking thing planned.
Oh, I'm sorry, Jess.
What's happening right now?
Well, go on, Gregory, you
want to spill the damn beans,
speak out of turn, tell him.
- Really?
Do it, damn it.
You're fired, Walker.
Take it like a man if you can.
Ooh!
What are they
talking about, Jesse?
I've driven your
daddy for years,
and you know I
would take a bullet.
Well, I used to think that,
until I started seeing little
tidbits about my family
being published online.
Little insights into
the transition of power.
You got the wrong guy, Jesse.
Behold.
This was published
in "Christian Times."
"After the Gemstone heirs
got the dismal poll numbers,
"Amber Gemstone
made sugar cookies
to lighten the mood..."
- Mm.
"Says an insider
to the family."
I ain't the only one you
told that story to, Jesse.
It's a nice story.
Sugar cookies ain't real, bitch.
That's a detail I made
up to sniff out the rat.
She made crescents, son.
You're the only one I
told sugar cooks to,
you fucking snitch.
Grab his ass.
- What?
Come on, now. No,
no, no, no, no, no.
- What is happening?
- Here you go, here you go.
Whack him, Jess. Come on.
Keep an eye out, Levi.
- Jesse, please.
- Come on, now. Get him.
Tally-ho.
What?
Hey, how you doing?
We're just having fun,
just playing around.
Damn it, Jesse, you brought
me all the way to Florida
just to fire me?
Yes, I did.
When your family asks
how you broke your nose,
tell them it was a
kite surfing accident.
My nose ain't broken.
Yeah, it is.
Kite surfing's a lot
harder than it looks.
How was your Judy On Top tour?
Fun?
Oh, you know, it's
life on the road.
Port to port, city to city,
screaming fans.
Oh.
Mm, thank you.
Hey, that was a cold fish kiss.
Everything OK, Jude?
Yeah, it's just, I've been
on a five-state tour, Beej.
I'm tired.
Cut me some friggin' slack.
My gosh.
Well, my famous wife.
I always knew when
I married you,
I'd have to share
you with the world.
OK, I gotta go.
What? Already?
Well, I have work duties, Beej.
Me and my brothers
run the church now.
I love you so much.
I love you too.
So glad you're home.
Oh, Keefe, this is gonna hurt.
No doubt.
We wiped out most
of their stock.
That shop's gonna have nothing
else to sell like this.
Until they restock.
And then what?
And we'll return and
buy it all again.
Remember yourself, Taryn.
No.
No, she has a point.
We're trying to shut
these deviants down,
not give them an economic boost.
But I'm still so impressed
by you guys.
This just shows me how
motivated y'all are
to achieve the goals
of the Smut Busters.
Both: No smut, no
lust, no coconuts.
Come on, y'all.
Part of being in the group is
doing the saying when we do it.
I did not know
what was happening.
Through the power
of Christ's love
and Lasik surgery,
we have restored
sight to the blind
or at least the nearsighted.
These primitive people
can see Christ's world
and read signs at night
much better because of us.
Well, I'm not sure how many
of these primitive people
are reading street signs
tonight in the rain forest.
And that's not really the
main reason why we did it.
I didn't say it was
the main reason.
Well, you are heavily
featuring it, so...
OK, boys, time to wrap it up.
They're trying to get
back to me singing.
We're accompanying
the montage, Judy.
You're not the main part.
Yeah, this isn't
a solo tour, Judy.
No, it's not.
We're doing our thing
right now, thank you.
You're not the main reason.
♪ A new revelation ♪
♪ Will set you free ♪
- ♪ Hallelujah for his light ♪
♪ Illumination ♪
♪ Soon you will see ♪
Took care of your driver Walker.
That bitch is history, Daddy.
Lying sneak.
Well, we're gonna
need a new driver.
Somebody we can trust this time.
We'll get you one.
Hopefully, maybe Judy and
Kelvin could help out,
seeing as how I do every
other goddamn thing
around here lately.
Man, Jesse, shut the fuck up.
You ain't the boss of us.
I'm the main decider.
We're all deciders,
Jesse, not just you.
Oh, please, Kelvin.
You and old slow eyes over there
are off doing your
damn pervert protest
to help with the church at all.
The Smut Busters have
already taken down
16 porno shops on the
I-95 corridor alone.
Well, I'm glad
that truck drivers
won't be able to buy
dick pills anymore.
Bravo.
Look, the point is that
none of y'all but Jesse
are doing anything important.
You know, this has been
a really hard time
for our family.
Our son was injured,
almost killed, in
a work accident.
Mom, please don't.
This has been very
traumatic for us,
and y'all don't even care.
Gideon, your mom is
trying to Munchhausen you.
Amber, you need to stop
trying to milk sympathy votes
for your son being
a crippled, OK?
Jesse, get her ass in line.
Maybe you need to stop talking
about Baron Munchausen.
Can we please just eat in peace?
Unfortunately, I have
some not-so-peaceful news.
As you all know, since your
daddy has taken a step back,
there has been a decline in
both attendance and donations.
I have noticed that
the seats high up
have been empty more and more.
And now I've been informed
that one of our
largest benefactors
is departing.
Who?
The race car driver,
Dusty Daniels.
Dusty Daniels?
The Slick Bandit?
That guy's a living legend.
He's, like, 100 years old.
He's gonna be dead soon
anyway, so, oh, well.
Our ministry was to
receive his entire estate,
including branding,
corporation, even his name.
Pfft. So what? We got names.
Don't need his.
His name is currently estimated
to be worth over $200 million.
- Huh?
- Motherfucker.
We were also set to inherit
Dusty's trademark slogan,
"Whoo-whee, sucker!"
Merchandising alone,
over $30 million.
Is this because of the
goddamn shitty poll numbers?
Which shitty poll
numbers, Jesse?
The ones where 85% said you're
colder than a fucking ice cube
shoved up a polar
bear's asshole?
I remember those
same pollsters saying
that your songs are when
most people in church
go to take a shit.
Prove it, Jesse.
I will.
Maybe if y'all stopped
henpecking at one another
and started trying to
fix what ain't working,
you wouldn't be
in this situation.
You all need to go
connect with him,
win his confidence.
If Dusty's not happy,
I don't blame him.
I will try to go
and minister to him.
We'll see if these
guys will help.
I'll do it, Daddy.
- Bleh.
- Meh.
- Meh-meh.
- Bleh.
Unh.
Unh.
- Grow up.
- Ugh.
- Yes.
- Whoo!
Yes.
Man, real talk, y'all, I
don't get this race car shit.
Bunch of rednecks racing around,
seeing who can go
nowhere the fastest.
OK, well, now's not the
time to be PMS'ing, Judy.
- Psh!
- She's been a real B-I-T-C-H
since she got back from tour.
Man, why is everybody
wondering about my tour,
asking me what happened on tour?
I sang fucking
songs, OK? That's it.
End of story.
Somebody's been
acting mysterious.
- Fuck off.
- What happened on tour?
- Fuck off, nothing.
- Here he comes. Shh.
By the way, I'm on my
period, not PMS'ing.
Guys, here he
comes. Big smiles.
- OK.
- Cheers. Big cheers.
- OK. Whoo!
- Yes.
- Yes!
- Oh, yes!
Yay!
- Whoo!
- Yeah!
- Yes!
- Whoo-whee, sucker!
The Slick Bandit looking
slicker than ever.
God's fastest son
on four wheels.
Someone's fixing for a comeback.
Waste of your time
coming up here.
Ain't nothing the
three of you can say
gonna change my mind.
OK.
Let me shoot you straight.
Your church has changed.
See, when Eli was heading
things up, I was happy.
Now that he ain't, I
don't like it so much.
The thing is, we are
gonna make this right.
- Yeah.
- OK?
We're young and up
to the task, dude.
See, that's the thing.
I don't trust young
people. I'm old-school.
Well, you know,
actually, we are not
as young as you think we are.
I mean, Kelvin does Botox.
- I don't do Botox.
- You do...
You do, too, do Botox.
- Never done Botox, so...
OK, then why is
there an indention
where your sunglasses
smushed your Botox forehead?
- There isn't one.
- Yeah, there is.
- No, there's not.
- Right here.
Dusty, Jesse's got more
grays than you do, man.
Dude is rocking a bad dye job.
He didn't use to look
like a deformed Dracula.
I do not look like
a deformed Dracula.
- Yeah, you do. Yeah, you do.
- I don't dye my hair.
I just changed my shampoo
is all, you idiots.
- See?
- Oh, really?
Right there.
When I used to watch your mama
and daddy, I felt the love.
It was nice.
I don't feel the love in
this current configuration.
So I'm pulling up my stakes
and I'm making a change.
We can... we love...
We love each other.
- I love 'em.
- We do.
We're in love with each other.
- We do.
Olive juice you.
Whoo-whee, sucker!
Oh, there he go.
♪ Metal we fight ♪
♪ Power amps set to explode ♪
Jesus in Jerusalem.
The fucking Simkins.
♪ Warheads are
ready to fight ♪
♪ Yeah, black leather hounds ♪
♪ Faster than sound ♪
♪ Metal our purpose in life ♪
♪ Baby, it's black metal ♪
Good to see you.
Dusty, tell me you
have not signed
with these snake oil salesmen.
Oh, take it easy, Jesse.
We don't want no ill
will with the Gemstones.
Dusty and our
family go way back.
I worship with them now.
They're "pull yourself up by
your bootstraps" type folks.
I like that.
Nobody handed it to them.
- OK.
Yeah, after Mom and Dad
died in the plane crash...
Here we go.
I had to raise my siblings.
Mm-hmm.
I could have returned
Craig to the orphanage,
but I knew my parents
wouldn't have wanted that.
So we banded together
to finish what they
so humbly had started.
Look where we are today.
Helping millions
around the world.
And getting bigger every day.
Yes, ma'am.
Hey, Dusty.
You are looking good.
I appreciate that, Shay.
You ain't looking
so bad yourself.
Hey, Dusty.
'Sup, boy?
I also think you're a hot man.
Not just Shay. She's
not the only one here.
How am I looking
to you right now?
Pretty good too?
- Sure, you...
All y'all look good, but...
it ain't all about the looks.
And that's a really good
thing, because if it were,
we'd win by a mile.
Am I right?
- You're right.
- Bodies, our bodies.
- He's right.
Not a damn one of you
looking as fine as me.
- Mm-hmm.
- You're gorgeous, Craig.
- Ugh.
- Dusty, you've worshipped
with our family
for 35-plus years.
You gotta give us another shot.
I'll tell you what.
Y'all want me to be a member
of your church so bad,
why don't you battle for me?
Battle? What do you mean?
Like a footrace or see who can
hold their breath the longest?
- Like an egg toss?
- No.
Let's settle it in one of those.
I don't really know stock cars.
Chicken, Simkins?
What are they doing?
- Ew.
Dusty, we feel the
Lord has led you
to where you're supposed
to be, worshipping with us.
I'll drive on
behalf of my family.
- Ew, what are you doing?
- Ow, what are you doing?
- Ow.
- Jesse.
Trying to hold your hands.
- Grab it so hard.
- Ugh.
- Let it happen, fuckers.
- Ugh.
Dusty, we as well have...
Also believe that the Lord is...
Wants to have you
on our side too.
So on behalf of my
family, I will drive too.
- Ow.
- Ew. It's so awkward.
- Ow.
- So there it is.
♪ Let me see you go ♪
OK, homey.
You sure you got this?
Come on. My car at
home is fast as fuck.
How can this be any different?
Besides, you heard him.
He says he's got
zero experience.
Well, I said no
experience in stock cars.
I've dabbled in Formula 1.
That son of a bitch.
OK, that means he's
gonna eff it up.
Yup.
Let's race.
♪ Don't take that down ♪
♪ Let me see you go ♪
♪ Don't take that down ♪
♪ Don't take that ♪
♪ Let me see you go up ♪
♪ Let me see you go up ♪
God damn it!
Do the gas! Do the gas, boy!
My car is broken!
Go, you fucking race car!
Go!
Whoo!
- Fuck!
- Ah!
What happened, Jesse?
That's embarrassing, dude.
Whoo-whee, sucker!
Now that I'm semiretired,
this change has given me
time to reflect on my life
and my journey with Christ.
I've put these reflections
down in a written word,
my definitive autobiography.
Why definitive, you ask?
Well, because it's about
the third one I've written.
I guess I lived
longer than I thought
and I still have a
little more to say.
Thank you. Thank you.
Ah, thank you very
much for coming.
I knew I recognized you.
- Yes, sir.
God bless you, and
have a great day.
Thank you. Bless you.
You got a lot of
nerve coming here.
Well, I paid the signing fee.
Figures you have to pay money
to get a little face time.
We've got a restraining
order against you.
Security.
- I need your help, Eli.
I don't care what you need.
Well, Aimee-Leigh
would hear me out.
You know she would.
How dare you say her name?
Get her out of here.
Eli, please, I need your help.
- Just get out of here.
- It's my boys, Eli.
Get out!
I wouldn't have come
to you otherwise.
Let go of me. I'm going.
- Out.
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Well, did y'all get Dusty back?
Nope.
Lost him to the fucking
Simkins, of all people.
The siblings whose parents
died in a plane crash?
Yes.
They are so fucking lucky.
I wish that I had
some traumatic event
that happened to me
that I can exploit
and make people like us.
I mean, our origin story
sucks compared to theirs.
I mean, nobody's rooting
for born-wealthy people
to become more wealthy.
I'm really worried. Are you?
No. A little concerned.
You know, obviously, I wish
that Judy and Kelvin's mouths
were taped shut and that you
were the only one in charge.
Baby, their energy makes
you all look desperate.
Well, I mean, that's
because we are desperate.
We're picking up where
Eli Gemstone left off,
a man who's done
this job for, like,
a fucking hundreds
of thousands of years
and is America's Jesus daddy.
Look, I'm not trying
to rain on your parade.
You know, I'm
really glad you have
your counseling, you
know, thingamabob,
you know, whatever this is.
- The System.
- Sure, whatever.
Yeah.
It seems like it's taking
up a lot of your time.
And this is a moment
when I could really use
all hands on deck at home.
What's not getting done at home?
I don't know if you
noticed, but our son Pontius
has tattooed another
word on his fucking face.
"Blessed." I know.
It just seems like
you're, you know,
giving a lot of attention to
other people's relationships,
and perhaps if you
focused more on your own,
you know, we wouldn't
have children
putting fucking
calligraphy on their faces.
Look, baby, I know
that you're upset,
but please don't take
it out on me, OK?
A small decline
was to be expected
with this kind of transition.
You know it's like?
When Jay Leno took
over for Carson.
It was rocky there for a bit.
But what happened in the end?
Leno shot to the top.
What if we're not Leno?
What if we're just Conan?
Fuck me.
This ministry helped me unlock
the best version of myself.
And I'm not just saying that
because I married
into the family.
Who knows what Gemstone
Salvation Center
can do for you?
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It's never been easier
to share your praise.
Mm.
Man, I am crushing my
Welcome Center duties.
They were feeling me today.
Yeah, you're really working it.
That's for sure.
Here. I got you some gifts.
- Gifts?
- Yeah.
Why?
I just was thinking about
what a good husband you are
and how much I love you.
Go ahead. Take a look.
OK.
An infrared meat thermometer,
Theragun,
a VR headset.
Wow.
- Wow.
I've been wanting one of these.
Now I can fully immerse myself
in the nature and space games
that I gravitate toward.
These are really
thoughtful, Judy.
But this isn't necessary.
Goddang, why you gotta kick
my gift horse in the nuts
right now?
Is everything OK?
Feels like things
have been a little off
since you got back from tour.
Oh, my God. What?
No, everything's great.
Why are you reading
stuff into things?
Everything's awesome.
I just love you. I wanted
to give you presents.
Don't emotionally
disappoint me right now.
Yeah, well, I love you too.
Thank you for the gifts.
Just like any family, we've
had our ups and downs.
And it's no secret we've
faced some controversy.
In the early 2000s, we
found ourselves in a war
with the press and detractors.
My wife would stay awake,
concerned with how
people saw her.
That they were getting
the wrong message.
I assured...
Hey, mind if we
take a little break?
Yes, sir. We can
take a small break.
Goddamn, what the hell are
y'all cooking out here?
- Devil's objects.
- Devil's objects?
Man, I don't think
you're supposed
to be burning this stuff.
That shit's poisonous.
Yeah, I don't feel very well.
The smoke was green from
some of the butt plugs,
and it smelled like pool toys.
Keefe, how about we
take a little break
from the burn pit?
Give us a moment.
What you doing here, Jesse?
Still trying to fight?
Talking about how you're the
only one doing things, hmm?
No, actually, that's
not what I'm here to do.
I came to apologize.
Really?
Sorry I made fun of your
Botox-indented forehead
in front of Dusty.
That's not how co-church
leaders should act.
Well, I don't have a
dented Botox forehead.
I was just... holding
my face funny.
Well, you know, even if you do.
Well, I don't.
But if you do dye
your sideburns,
I'm sorry I said that you
look like a deformed Dracula.
Well, I don't dye my sideburns,
but I accept your apology.
Good.
- Great.
- OK.
Because I don't have
a Botox forehead.
I don't do my...
All right.
I'm scared, Jesse.
What if we don't
have what it takes?
Yeah, I'm scared too.
The only way through
this, I guess, is if...
we just have to rise
to the occasion,
refuse to fail.
How we gonna do that?
Together.
Do we have to include Judy?
Even that bitch.
The diva is back,
y'all.
Ah, hey, everybody.
What's up? What's up?
Hey, Stephen, I'm
glad you're here.
Would you be up for going
through some guitar solo stuff
on "Angels Lift Me Higher"?
Sure.
Hey, everybody, listen
up.
Stephen and I need to work on
some important creative stuff
with guitar solo stuff
for one of the songs.
So if everybody could leave
us alone, that'd be great.
Y'all get it.
Artistry.
Get a little rest, or get
you a Coke or whatever.
See you soon, Tamothy. You
did a great job on tour.
Oh, fuck.
I missed this.
Being bad like some
bitch in an '80s movie.
So glad I had to
come in and unload
the last of that tour gear.
I had to see you.
Well, you saw me, then.
And now it's time to nut up,
because road head is road head.
That's just the rules
of the tour, OK?
We can't be bringing
this shit home.
We helped each other through a
very trying time in our lives
by dry humping twice
and kissing three times.
Now that's four.
But we can't take
this any further,
or we would cause
some real damage.
So this...
This is goodbye, Stephen.
You're just gonna have to
suffer through the pain.
Very well, Judy Gemstone.
Quit, Stephen.
I said quit.
You understand me?
- What the fuck is this?
- Mm.
And that's how that
part of the song goes.
It goes, like, up and then
down, and that's that song.
I should go practice.
No, you should keep your
fucking ass right here.
You're cheating, Judy? Gross.
No, Kelvin, this
ain't what you think.
Oh, it's not?
Do you know this
young lady is married?
Yeah. I am too.
Oh, yuck.
Y'all a bunch of dirtbags.
Kelvin, I'm trying to tell
you, you fucking dork,
we're rehearsing a song.
This is not a deal.
Great rehearsal, Stephen.
- Very good working with you.
- Good day to you.
Thank you for rehearsing.
Enchanté.
Yeah, enchanté, motherfucker.
You can go right now.
You come back around here again,
I'll send your ass
straight to hell.
I work here, though.
Not anymore,
you don't, bro.
- He works for me.
- I work...
As main decider, the
motherfucker is fired.
Well, he's rehired. Boo-yup.
Well, guess what.
I'm refiring him for infinity.
Bye-bye, bitch.
- You have to.
Two outvotes one.
- Get the fuck out of here.
Begone, Stephen.
Sugar Ray-looking motherfucker.
Get the fuck out of here.
- Get out of here.
- OK.
- You get out.
Don't stomp him, Jesse.
Fuck, he's leaving.
What the fuck, Judy?
You think we can
handle this kind
of scandalous
bullshit right now?
Oh, fuck off, Jesse.
Like you ain't done your
fair share of illicit shit.
I was on tour, y'all, OK?
This is the shit that
happens on the road.
What the fuck are y'all
even here for anyway?
We came here to do
something nice, OK?
To have a fucking
sibling bonding pep talk
about the future.
Instead I come here to see this.
Fine.
Let's fucking pep it up, bros.
Come on. Sibling bonding.
Put your hands in. "New
generation" on three.
I'm saying how we do hands.
We're holding hands.
Give me your fucking hands.
- Ugh.
- Go on.
Hold her fucking hand.
To the new generation.
To united...
OK, Jesse, this is not natural.
We do not hold hands.
When the Simkins hold hands,
it seems fucking natural.
Well, we ain't a holding-hands
family, OK, dude?
We never have been.
- We do hands on hands, OK?
We're not the frickin' Simkins.
You can sure as
shit say that again.
Y'all don't tell on me.
Been a while since
you've been here.
Damn. Yes, it has.
I'm surprised you want
anything to do with this place
after all the bad memories.
It's all I got left.
You know, after
Peter went away...
I'm not here to
talk about Peter.
After he went away, the
bank took the house.
Boys turned mean, bitter.
They scare me, Eli.
I know you haven't spoken
to the family in many years.
I had good reason for that.
And I had good reason
to do what I done.
- Oh, here we go.
- Oh, here we go.
Look at you,
Mr. Hotshot Preacher.
You got more piss and vinegar
than you did when you
was begging for help.
What's this about?
Peter got out.
My boys left me
and followed him.
I think they're in trouble.
I don't know if they're
selling guns or drugs or what.
You expect me to do something?
I'd die without my boys.
I got no one else.
Please, Eli.
After all this time,
why should I help you?
Because you're my
big brother, Eli.
Please help us win, God.
Please help everyone
accept us and for us
to be triumphant over those
that would seek to destroy us.
Do we have confirmed visual?
Visual confirmed.
Take the motherfucker to church.
You drove right into me.
You fucked up my bumper.
Oh, don't even try it.
You were at fault here.
Let's see your insurance.
It's behind you.
All: Shut it down!
Shut it down!
Shut it down!
All: Shut it down!
Take that.
All: Shut it down! Shut
it down! Shut it down!
Oh!
Help!
Get out of here. Shut it down!
All: Shut it down!
Shut it down!
like the Lord our God above,
shall destroy them with
a mighty destruction
until they all be destroyed.
Through God's teachings, we
can be the monster truck.
We can smush the things that
the devil puts in our way.
Boom.
Now, can I get an amen?
All: Amen!
Whoo!
Y'all know I don't like to cuss,
but what in the hell
is this horseshit
I'm looking at right now?
Ooh, Mama said the S-word.
This has nothing
to do with church.
He's making us look like fools,
talking about we can be
like a monster truck.
I can't believe y'all let him
pull this Hot Wheels mess.
A good turnout, at least.
A very profitable Friday night.
Well, that's gotta
count for something.
We're putting
butts in the seats.
Money ain't everything, baby.
What we gonna do, start
selling beer next?
Get your ice cold beer here.
Beer, beer, beer.
Get your ice cold beer.
Beer, beer, beer.
You.
You're nothing but a fool.
Pretending on TV to be
all kind and caring,
but I know the truth.
May-May?
Damn you to hell, Aimee-Leigh.
Somebody help me! She's
trying to kill me!
Help me!
Help!
Help me!
She's trying to kill me!
You think I'd just live with it,
what you done to my family?
Please, May-May,
this ain't the way.
Now it's your turn to feel...
What the hell? I'm sorry!
We are the elite of
the evangelical world.
Our capes embrace us like
the arms of Jesus Christ.
We wear it in
celebration of his love.
The pistol gives the
power to take life.
The Lord gave us free
will to do as we choose.
Thusly, it is a righteous man
who wears the pistol
yet does no evil.
Under the eyes of
God, we are the men
of the Cape and Pistol Society.
Hey, how you enjoying your
retirement there, Eli?
Oh, he ain't retired.
He's writing books.
He's doing press.
Admit it, Eli, you can't
stay out of the spotlight.
No, no, no.
You better believe I'm gonna
be fishing and sipping.
Fishing and sipping.
You scared your
kids gonna blow it.
Pretty much.
♪ We're marching to Zion ♪
♪ Beautiful, beautiful Zion ♪
♪ We're marching
upward to Zion ♪
♪ The beautiful city of God ♪
Zion is a beautiful resort, sir.
Yeah.
Heaven on Earth.
- Amen.
- Yeah.
Take it in while you can.
What's that?
Really, Gregory?
I had a fucking thing planned.
Oh, I'm sorry, Jess.
What's happening right now?
Well, go on, Gregory, you
want to spill the damn beans,
speak out of turn, tell him.
- Really?
Do it, damn it.
You're fired, Walker.
Take it like a man if you can.
Ooh!
What are they
talking about, Jesse?
I've driven your
daddy for years,
and you know I
would take a bullet.
Well, I used to think that,
until I started seeing little
tidbits about my family
being published online.
Little insights into
the transition of power.
You got the wrong guy, Jesse.
Behold.
This was published
in "Christian Times."
"After the Gemstone heirs
got the dismal poll numbers,
"Amber Gemstone
made sugar cookies
to lighten the mood..."
- Mm.
"Says an insider
to the family."
I ain't the only one you
told that story to, Jesse.
It's a nice story.
Sugar cookies ain't real, bitch.
That's a detail I made
up to sniff out the rat.
She made crescents, son.
You're the only one I
told sugar cooks to,
you fucking snitch.
Grab his ass.
- What?
Come on, now. No,
no, no, no, no, no.
- What is happening?
- Here you go, here you go.
Whack him, Jess. Come on.
Keep an eye out, Levi.
- Jesse, please.
- Come on, now. Get him.
Tally-ho.
What?
Hey, how you doing?
We're just having fun,
just playing around.
Damn it, Jesse, you brought
me all the way to Florida
just to fire me?
Yes, I did.
When your family asks
how you broke your nose,
tell them it was a
kite surfing accident.
My nose ain't broken.
Yeah, it is.
Kite surfing's a lot
harder than it looks.
How was your Judy On Top tour?
Fun?
Oh, you know, it's
life on the road.
Port to port, city to city,
screaming fans.
Oh.
Mm, thank you.
Hey, that was a cold fish kiss.
Everything OK, Jude?
Yeah, it's just, I've been
on a five-state tour, Beej.
I'm tired.
Cut me some friggin' slack.
My gosh.
Well, my famous wife.
I always knew when
I married you,
I'd have to share
you with the world.
OK, I gotta go.
What? Already?
Well, I have work duties, Beej.
Me and my brothers
run the church now.
I love you so much.
I love you too.
So glad you're home.
Oh, Keefe, this is gonna hurt.
No doubt.
We wiped out most
of their stock.
That shop's gonna have nothing
else to sell like this.
Until they restock.
And then what?
And we'll return and
buy it all again.
Remember yourself, Taryn.
No.
No, she has a point.
We're trying to shut
these deviants down,
not give them an economic boost.
But I'm still so impressed
by you guys.
This just shows me how
motivated y'all are
to achieve the goals
of the Smut Busters.
Both: No smut, no
lust, no coconuts.
Come on, y'all.
Part of being in the group is
doing the saying when we do it.
I did not know
what was happening.
Through the power
of Christ's love
and Lasik surgery,
we have restored
sight to the blind
or at least the nearsighted.
These primitive people
can see Christ's world
and read signs at night
much better because of us.
Well, I'm not sure how many
of these primitive people
are reading street signs
tonight in the rain forest.
And that's not really the
main reason why we did it.
I didn't say it was
the main reason.
Well, you are heavily
featuring it, so...
OK, boys, time to wrap it up.
They're trying to get
back to me singing.
We're accompanying
the montage, Judy.
You're not the main part.
Yeah, this isn't
a solo tour, Judy.
No, it's not.
We're doing our thing
right now, thank you.
You're not the main reason.
♪ A new revelation ♪
♪ Will set you free ♪
- ♪ Hallelujah for his light ♪
♪ Illumination ♪
♪ Soon you will see ♪
Took care of your driver Walker.
That bitch is history, Daddy.
Lying sneak.
Well, we're gonna
need a new driver.
Somebody we can trust this time.
We'll get you one.
Hopefully, maybe Judy and
Kelvin could help out,
seeing as how I do every
other goddamn thing
around here lately.
Man, Jesse, shut the fuck up.
You ain't the boss of us.
I'm the main decider.
We're all deciders,
Jesse, not just you.
Oh, please, Kelvin.
You and old slow eyes over there
are off doing your
damn pervert protest
to help with the church at all.
The Smut Busters have
already taken down
16 porno shops on the
I-95 corridor alone.
Well, I'm glad
that truck drivers
won't be able to buy
dick pills anymore.
Bravo.
Look, the point is that
none of y'all but Jesse
are doing anything important.
You know, this has been
a really hard time
for our family.
Our son was injured,
almost killed, in
a work accident.
Mom, please don't.
This has been very
traumatic for us,
and y'all don't even care.
Gideon, your mom is
trying to Munchhausen you.
Amber, you need to stop
trying to milk sympathy votes
for your son being
a crippled, OK?
Jesse, get her ass in line.
Maybe you need to stop talking
about Baron Munchausen.
Can we please just eat in peace?
Unfortunately, I have
some not-so-peaceful news.
As you all know, since your
daddy has taken a step back,
there has been a decline in
both attendance and donations.
I have noticed that
the seats high up
have been empty more and more.
And now I've been informed
that one of our
largest benefactors
is departing.
Who?
The race car driver,
Dusty Daniels.
Dusty Daniels?
The Slick Bandit?
That guy's a living legend.
He's, like, 100 years old.
He's gonna be dead soon
anyway, so, oh, well.
Our ministry was to
receive his entire estate,
including branding,
corporation, even his name.
Pfft. So what? We got names.
Don't need his.
His name is currently estimated
to be worth over $200 million.
- Huh?
- Motherfucker.
We were also set to inherit
Dusty's trademark slogan,
"Whoo-whee, sucker!"
Merchandising alone,
over $30 million.
Is this because of the
goddamn shitty poll numbers?
Which shitty poll
numbers, Jesse?
The ones where 85% said you're
colder than a fucking ice cube
shoved up a polar
bear's asshole?
I remember those
same pollsters saying
that your songs are when
most people in church
go to take a shit.
Prove it, Jesse.
I will.
Maybe if y'all stopped
henpecking at one another
and started trying to
fix what ain't working,
you wouldn't be
in this situation.
You all need to go
connect with him,
win his confidence.
If Dusty's not happy,
I don't blame him.
I will try to go
and minister to him.
We'll see if these
guys will help.
I'll do it, Daddy.
- Bleh.
- Meh.
- Meh-meh.
- Bleh.
Unh.
Unh.
- Grow up.
- Ugh.
- Yes.
- Whoo!
Yes.
Man, real talk, y'all, I
don't get this race car shit.
Bunch of rednecks racing around,
seeing who can go
nowhere the fastest.
OK, well, now's not the
time to be PMS'ing, Judy.
- Psh!
- She's been a real B-I-T-C-H
since she got back from tour.
Man, why is everybody
wondering about my tour,
asking me what happened on tour?
I sang fucking
songs, OK? That's it.
End of story.
Somebody's been
acting mysterious.
- Fuck off.
- What happened on tour?
- Fuck off, nothing.
- Here he comes. Shh.
By the way, I'm on my
period, not PMS'ing.
Guys, here he
comes. Big smiles.
- OK.
- Cheers. Big cheers.
- OK. Whoo!
- Yes.
- Yes!
- Oh, yes!
Yay!
- Whoo!
- Yeah!
- Yes!
- Whoo-whee, sucker!
The Slick Bandit looking
slicker than ever.
God's fastest son
on four wheels.
Someone's fixing for a comeback.
Waste of your time
coming up here.
Ain't nothing the
three of you can say
gonna change my mind.
OK.
Let me shoot you straight.
Your church has changed.
See, when Eli was heading
things up, I was happy.
Now that he ain't, I
don't like it so much.
The thing is, we are
gonna make this right.
- Yeah.
- OK?
We're young and up
to the task, dude.
See, that's the thing.
I don't trust young
people. I'm old-school.
Well, you know,
actually, we are not
as young as you think we are.
I mean, Kelvin does Botox.
- I don't do Botox.
- You do...
You do, too, do Botox.
- Never done Botox, so...
OK, then why is
there an indention
where your sunglasses
smushed your Botox forehead?
- There isn't one.
- Yeah, there is.
- No, there's not.
- Right here.
Dusty, Jesse's got more
grays than you do, man.
Dude is rocking a bad dye job.
He didn't use to look
like a deformed Dracula.
I do not look like
a deformed Dracula.
- Yeah, you do. Yeah, you do.
- I don't dye my hair.
I just changed my shampoo
is all, you idiots.
- See?
- Oh, really?
Right there.
When I used to watch your mama
and daddy, I felt the love.
It was nice.
I don't feel the love in
this current configuration.
So I'm pulling up my stakes
and I'm making a change.
We can... we love...
We love each other.
- I love 'em.
- We do.
We're in love with each other.
- We do.
Olive juice you.
Whoo-whee, sucker!
Oh, there he go.
♪ Metal we fight ♪
♪ Power amps set to explode ♪
Jesus in Jerusalem.
The fucking Simkins.
♪ Warheads are
ready to fight ♪
♪ Yeah, black leather hounds ♪
♪ Faster than sound ♪
♪ Metal our purpose in life ♪
♪ Baby, it's black metal ♪
Good to see you.
Dusty, tell me you
have not signed
with these snake oil salesmen.
Oh, take it easy, Jesse.
We don't want no ill
will with the Gemstones.
Dusty and our
family go way back.
I worship with them now.
They're "pull yourself up by
your bootstraps" type folks.
I like that.
Nobody handed it to them.
- OK.
Yeah, after Mom and Dad
died in the plane crash...
Here we go.
I had to raise my siblings.
Mm-hmm.
I could have returned
Craig to the orphanage,
but I knew my parents
wouldn't have wanted that.
So we banded together
to finish what they
so humbly had started.
Look where we are today.
Helping millions
around the world.
And getting bigger every day.
Yes, ma'am.
Hey, Dusty.
You are looking good.
I appreciate that, Shay.
You ain't looking
so bad yourself.
Hey, Dusty.
'Sup, boy?
I also think you're a hot man.
Not just Shay. She's
not the only one here.
How am I looking
to you right now?
Pretty good too?
- Sure, you...
All y'all look good, but...
it ain't all about the looks.
And that's a really good
thing, because if it were,
we'd win by a mile.
Am I right?
- You're right.
- Bodies, our bodies.
- He's right.
Not a damn one of you
looking as fine as me.
- Mm-hmm.
- You're gorgeous, Craig.
- Ugh.
- Dusty, you've worshipped
with our family
for 35-plus years.
You gotta give us another shot.
I'll tell you what.
Y'all want me to be a member
of your church so bad,
why don't you battle for me?
Battle? What do you mean?
Like a footrace or see who can
hold their breath the longest?
- Like an egg toss?
- No.
Let's settle it in one of those.
I don't really know stock cars.
Chicken, Simkins?
What are they doing?
- Ew.
Dusty, we feel the
Lord has led you
to where you're supposed
to be, worshipping with us.
I'll drive on
behalf of my family.
- Ew, what are you doing?
- Ow, what are you doing?
- Ow.
- Jesse.
Trying to hold your hands.
- Grab it so hard.
- Ugh.
- Let it happen, fuckers.
- Ugh.
Dusty, we as well have...
Also believe that the Lord is...
Wants to have you
on our side too.
So on behalf of my
family, I will drive too.
- Ow.
- Ew. It's so awkward.
- Ow.
- So there it is.
♪ Let me see you go ♪
OK, homey.
You sure you got this?
Come on. My car at
home is fast as fuck.
How can this be any different?
Besides, you heard him.
He says he's got
zero experience.
Well, I said no
experience in stock cars.
I've dabbled in Formula 1.
That son of a bitch.
OK, that means he's
gonna eff it up.
Yup.
Let's race.
♪ Don't take that down ♪
♪ Let me see you go ♪
♪ Don't take that down ♪
♪ Don't take that ♪
♪ Let me see you go up ♪
♪ Let me see you go up ♪
God damn it!
Do the gas! Do the gas, boy!
My car is broken!
Go, you fucking race car!
Go!
Whoo!
- Fuck!
- Ah!
What happened, Jesse?
That's embarrassing, dude.
Whoo-whee, sucker!
Now that I'm semiretired,
this change has given me
time to reflect on my life
and my journey with Christ.
I've put these reflections
down in a written word,
my definitive autobiography.
Why definitive, you ask?
Well, because it's about
the third one I've written.
I guess I lived
longer than I thought
and I still have a
little more to say.
Thank you. Thank you.
Ah, thank you very
much for coming.
I knew I recognized you.
- Yes, sir.
God bless you, and
have a great day.
Thank you. Bless you.
You got a lot of
nerve coming here.
Well, I paid the signing fee.
Figures you have to pay money
to get a little face time.
We've got a restraining
order against you.
Security.
- I need your help, Eli.
I don't care what you need.
Well, Aimee-Leigh
would hear me out.
You know she would.
How dare you say her name?
Get her out of here.
Eli, please, I need your help.
- Just get out of here.
- It's my boys, Eli.
Get out!
I wouldn't have come
to you otherwise.
Let go of me. I'm going.
- Out.
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Well, did y'all get Dusty back?
Nope.
Lost him to the fucking
Simkins, of all people.
The siblings whose parents
died in a plane crash?
Yes.
They are so fucking lucky.
I wish that I had
some traumatic event
that happened to me
that I can exploit
and make people like us.
I mean, our origin story
sucks compared to theirs.
I mean, nobody's rooting
for born-wealthy people
to become more wealthy.
I'm really worried. Are you?
No. A little concerned.
You know, obviously, I wish
that Judy and Kelvin's mouths
were taped shut and that you
were the only one in charge.
Baby, their energy makes
you all look desperate.
Well, I mean, that's
because we are desperate.
We're picking up where
Eli Gemstone left off,
a man who's done
this job for, like,
a fucking hundreds
of thousands of years
and is America's Jesus daddy.
Look, I'm not trying
to rain on your parade.
You know, I'm
really glad you have
your counseling, you
know, thingamabob,
you know, whatever this is.
- The System.
- Sure, whatever.
Yeah.
It seems like it's taking
up a lot of your time.
And this is a moment
when I could really use
all hands on deck at home.
What's not getting done at home?
I don't know if you
noticed, but our son Pontius
has tattooed another
word on his fucking face.
"Blessed." I know.
It just seems like
you're, you know,
giving a lot of attention to
other people's relationships,
and perhaps if you
focused more on your own,
you know, we wouldn't
have children
putting fucking
calligraphy on their faces.
Look, baby, I know
that you're upset,
but please don't take
it out on me, OK?
A small decline
was to be expected
with this kind of transition.
You know it's like?
When Jay Leno took
over for Carson.
It was rocky there for a bit.
But what happened in the end?
Leno shot to the top.
What if we're not Leno?
What if we're just Conan?
Fuck me.
This ministry helped me unlock
the best version of myself.
And I'm not just saying that
because I married
into the family.
Who knows what Gemstone
Salvation Center
can do for you?
Now, Janice and Tall Jay
have enrollment packages.
Scan the QR code for easy,
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It's never been easier
to share your praise.
Mm.
Man, I am crushing my
Welcome Center duties.
They were feeling me today.
Yeah, you're really working it.
That's for sure.
Here. I got you some gifts.
- Gifts?
- Yeah.
Why?
I just was thinking about
what a good husband you are
and how much I love you.
Go ahead. Take a look.
OK.
An infrared meat thermometer,
Theragun,
a VR headset.
Wow.
- Wow.
I've been wanting one of these.
Now I can fully immerse myself
in the nature and space games
that I gravitate toward.
These are really
thoughtful, Judy.
But this isn't necessary.
Goddang, why you gotta kick
my gift horse in the nuts
right now?
Is everything OK?
Feels like things
have been a little off
since you got back from tour.
Oh, my God. What?
No, everything's great.
Why are you reading
stuff into things?
Everything's awesome.
I just love you. I wanted
to give you presents.
Don't emotionally
disappoint me right now.
Yeah, well, I love you too.
Thank you for the gifts.
Just like any family, we've
had our ups and downs.
And it's no secret we've
faced some controversy.
In the early 2000s, we
found ourselves in a war
with the press and detractors.
My wife would stay awake,
concerned with how
people saw her.
That they were getting
the wrong message.
I assured...
Hey, mind if we
take a little break?
Yes, sir. We can
take a small break.
Goddamn, what the hell are
y'all cooking out here?
- Devil's objects.
- Devil's objects?
Man, I don't think
you're supposed
to be burning this stuff.
That shit's poisonous.
Yeah, I don't feel very well.
The smoke was green from
some of the butt plugs,
and it smelled like pool toys.
Keefe, how about we
take a little break
from the burn pit?
Give us a moment.
What you doing here, Jesse?
Still trying to fight?
Talking about how you're the
only one doing things, hmm?
No, actually, that's
not what I'm here to do.
I came to apologize.
Really?
Sorry I made fun of your
Botox-indented forehead
in front of Dusty.
That's not how co-church
leaders should act.
Well, I don't have a
dented Botox forehead.
I was just... holding
my face funny.
Well, you know, even if you do.
Well, I don't.
But if you do dye
your sideburns,
I'm sorry I said that you
look like a deformed Dracula.
Well, I don't dye my sideburns,
but I accept your apology.
Good.
- Great.
- OK.
Because I don't have
a Botox forehead.
I don't do my...
All right.
I'm scared, Jesse.
What if we don't
have what it takes?
Yeah, I'm scared too.
The only way through
this, I guess, is if...
we just have to rise
to the occasion,
refuse to fail.
How we gonna do that?
Together.
Do we have to include Judy?
Even that bitch.
The diva is back,
y'all.
Ah, hey, everybody.
What's up? What's up?
Hey, Stephen, I'm
glad you're here.
Would you be up for going
through some guitar solo stuff
on "Angels Lift Me Higher"?
Sure.
Hey, everybody, listen
up.
Stephen and I need to work on
some important creative stuff
with guitar solo stuff
for one of the songs.
So if everybody could leave
us alone, that'd be great.
Y'all get it.
Artistry.
Get a little rest, or get
you a Coke or whatever.
See you soon, Tamothy. You
did a great job on tour.
Oh, fuck.
I missed this.
Being bad like some
bitch in an '80s movie.
So glad I had to
come in and unload
the last of that tour gear.
I had to see you.
Well, you saw me, then.
And now it's time to nut up,
because road head is road head.
That's just the rules
of the tour, OK?
We can't be bringing
this shit home.
We helped each other through a
very trying time in our lives
by dry humping twice
and kissing three times.
Now that's four.
But we can't take
this any further,
or we would cause
some real damage.
So this...
This is goodbye, Stephen.
You're just gonna have to
suffer through the pain.
Very well, Judy Gemstone.
Quit, Stephen.
I said quit.
You understand me?
- What the fuck is this?
- Mm.
And that's how that
part of the song goes.
It goes, like, up and then
down, and that's that song.
I should go practice.
No, you should keep your
fucking ass right here.
You're cheating, Judy? Gross.
No, Kelvin, this
ain't what you think.
Oh, it's not?
Do you know this
young lady is married?
Yeah. I am too.
Oh, yuck.
Y'all a bunch of dirtbags.
Kelvin, I'm trying to tell
you, you fucking dork,
we're rehearsing a song.
This is not a deal.
Great rehearsal, Stephen.
- Very good working with you.
- Good day to you.
Thank you for rehearsing.
Enchanté.
Yeah, enchanté, motherfucker.
You can go right now.
You come back around here again,
I'll send your ass
straight to hell.
I work here, though.
Not anymore,
you don't, bro.
- He works for me.
- I work...
As main decider, the
motherfucker is fired.
Well, he's rehired. Boo-yup.
Well, guess what.
I'm refiring him for infinity.
Bye-bye, bitch.
- You have to.
Two outvotes one.
- Get the fuck out of here.
Begone, Stephen.
Sugar Ray-looking motherfucker.
Get the fuck out of here.
- Get out of here.
- OK.
- You get out.
Don't stomp him, Jesse.
Fuck, he's leaving.
What the fuck, Judy?
You think we can
handle this kind
of scandalous
bullshit right now?
Oh, fuck off, Jesse.
Like you ain't done your
fair share of illicit shit.
I was on tour, y'all, OK?
This is the shit that
happens on the road.
What the fuck are y'all
even here for anyway?
We came here to do
something nice, OK?
To have a fucking
sibling bonding pep talk
about the future.
Instead I come here to see this.
Fine.
Let's fucking pep it up, bros.
Come on. Sibling bonding.
Put your hands in. "New
generation" on three.
I'm saying how we do hands.
We're holding hands.
Give me your fucking hands.
- Ugh.
- Go on.
Hold her fucking hand.
To the new generation.
To united...
OK, Jesse, this is not natural.
We do not hold hands.
When the Simkins hold hands,
it seems fucking natural.
Well, we ain't a holding-hands
family, OK, dude?
We never have been.
- We do hands on hands, OK?
We're not the frickin' Simkins.
You can sure as
shit say that again.
Y'all don't tell on me.
Been a while since
you've been here.
Damn. Yes, it has.
I'm surprised you want
anything to do with this place
after all the bad memories.
It's all I got left.
You know, after
Peter went away...
I'm not here to
talk about Peter.
After he went away, the
bank took the house.
Boys turned mean, bitter.
They scare me, Eli.
I know you haven't spoken
to the family in many years.
I had good reason for that.
And I had good reason
to do what I done.
- Oh, here we go.
- Oh, here we go.
Look at you,
Mr. Hotshot Preacher.
You got more piss and vinegar
than you did when you
was begging for help.
What's this about?
Peter got out.
My boys left me
and followed him.
I think they're in trouble.
I don't know if they're
selling guns or drugs or what.
You expect me to do something?
I'd die without my boys.
I got no one else.
Please, Eli.
After all this time,
why should I help you?
Because you're my
big brother, Eli.
Please help us win, God.
Please help everyone
accept us and for us
to be triumphant over those
that would seek to destroy us.
Do we have confirmed visual?
Visual confirmed.
Take the motherfucker to church.
You drove right into me.
You fucked up my bumper.
Oh, don't even try it.
You were at fault here.
Let's see your insurance.
It's behind you.
All: Shut it down!
Shut it down!
Shut it down!
All: Shut it down!
Take that.
All: Shut it down! Shut
it down! Shut it down!
Oh!
Help!
Get out of here. Shut it down!
All: Shut it down!
Shut it down!