The Ren & Stimpy Show (1991–1996): Season 2, Episode 1 - In the Army/Powdered Toastman - full transcript
Ren and Stimpy join the Army, where they begin basic training under a very demanding Drill Sargent. We then follow the unusual and bizarre adventures of "Powdered Toast Man" as he is called on for various rescue missions.
♪ Cha, cha, cha ♪
♪ cha, cha, cha ♪
♪ cha, cha, cha ♪
this... will...
hurt... you.
( gulping )
Hey !
Stimpy, look what
they did to my arm !
Yeah, I got shots, too.
( buzzing )
You know, Stimpy, this
army business ain't so bad.
I think we
found our niche.
Atten-hut !
What did he say ?
Atten-hut !
Excuse me,
could you--
about pace !
Forward, harh !
( calling cadence )
About face !
Forward, harh !
( calling cadence )
Company halt !
Remain calm !
Can't you
follow orders ?
All right,
you two insects.
Give me 20 !
As a rule, I don't
like to lend money.
But you got
an honest face.
Hey, Ren.
I think the sarge
likes you best
'cause he gave you
the most potatoes to peel.
( Man on P.A. )
Recruits Ren and Stimpy,
report for tear-gas training.
Duh !
Tear-gas room ?
Pee-yew !
I tell you, man,
there's nothing could
get me in there.
Remove mask !
( crying )
( screaming )
( crying )
Hey, how come
you're not crying ?
I cheated.
I held my breath.
Boy, Stimpy, you're
such a knucklehead.
Listen, you moron.
I am smart,
you're stupid.
I know how to get around
that big, dopey sarge.
Stick with me, kid.
I know where
I'm going in life.
About !
The room !
Happy, happy, happy.
Peel, peel, peel.
( grunting )
Stimpy !
Phew !
All right,
rest period's over.
Let's get a move on.
Did you hear me ?
I said,
let's get going !
You don't want to anger
that big, dopey sar-r-R...
( screaming )
Puff, puff,
breathe, pain...
oh, man.
My dogs are
killing me.
Boy, it sure feels good
to get those boots off.
You said it.
Good night, Ren.
Good night, Stimpy.
Now all I need...
is eight hours of
uninterrupted sleep.
( snoring )
( reveille )
Now, no sleep.
Hee hee.
No sleep.
No bed.
( crying )
And no, no, no,
bed, bed, bed !
( evil laugh )
( Sarge )
Atten-Hut !
( panting )
Forward harh !
( calling cadence )
( crying )
Psst, hey, Guido.
It's all so
clear to me now.
I'm the keeper
of the cheese.
And you're
the lemon merchant.
You get it ?
And he knows it.
That's why he's
gonna kill us.
So we gotta beat it.
Yeah.
Before he lets loose
the marmosets on us.
Don't worry,
little Missy.
I'll save you !
( growling )
Congrabulations !
You graduated.
You're full-fledged
tank paratroopers.
( squealing )
Stimpy.
I can't believe it.
We made it.
Not only do we have these cool
uniforms and this swell tank,
we're also proud members
of an elite fighting force.
♪ Oh beautiful
for spacious skies ♪
♪ for amber waves
of grain ♪
♪ for purple
mountains majesty ♪
♪ above the fruited plain ♪
♪ America, America ♪
♪ god shed his
grace on thee... ♪
♪ cha, cha, cha ♪
( announcer )
New amazing product !
Hi, kids.
I start out my day with
my favorite breakfast.
That's right,
sugar frosted milk.
Mmm !
Smell those lumps !
Just four ounces of lumps
and six ounces of cereal
makes for
a balanced breakfast.
( screaming )
Help !
And sugar frosted milk
stays lumpy, even in cereal.
Morning, sis.
Oh, boy !
Sugar frosted lumps !
Hey !
Who stole my lumps ?
( announcer )
It's time for
"ask Dr. Stupid."
With your host,
Dr. Stupid.
Oh, hello there.
Doctor, here's a letter
from Jennifer
from bent armpit, Wyoming.
And she asks,
"dear Dr. Stupid,
what is that ugly white slab
in my can of beans ?"
That's a very good
question, Jennifer.
I'd better put on my patented
stuponitron helmet.
Prepare to activate.
( chuckling )
The answer's
simple, really.
Jennifer, that ugly white slab
in your can of beans is...
the queen bean !
And all the other beans are
the worker beans that serve her.
Thank you, Dr. Stupid.
Tune in next time
for "ask Dr. Stupid."
( screaming )
At last, I have control
of your Tv set.
Are you receiving me ?
Welcome to our
secret headquarters.
Thousands of miles below
the earth's crust.
Shut up, you fool !
How do you know
we can trust them ?
We could make them
take the oath.
Perfect, the oath.
Put your hand
on the Tv screen
and repeat after me.
I do hereby promise only to
watch the Ren & Stimpy show,
to make under-leg noises
during the good scenes,
to wear unwashed
lederhosen
every single day of
the rest of my life !
That's it !
You're in our
secret club.
All right, Stimpy.
They're okay.
Show them the stuff.
Congratulations--
oh, shut up
and show 'em.
I'm showing 'em,
I'm showing 'em !
Okay, kids.
It's time for
a secret cartoon.
( announcer )
Who is this stranger
from another land ?
Why does he walk
among mortal men ?
What is his mission ?
Where can we get a pair
of undershorts like his ?
Who is this man of toast,
and what does
he want from us ?
What is his dark secret ?
Shut up !
If you ask me one
more stupid question,
I'll tear your
skin off !
Disguised as pastor toastman,
the cool youth deacon,
powdered toastman works his
day job as a government clerk.
Only powdered toastman's
faithful assistant
knows his dark secret.
Excuse me, father.
But there's a distress call on
your toastometron communicator.
Thank you,
my lovely assistant.
Will evil never rest ?
I hope not.
( man )
Calling Powdered Toastman.
Please respond.
Come in,
Powdered Toastman !
Powdered toastman here.
( chattering )
Mm-hmm...
cripes !
I'll get right on it,
leave everything to me.
Powdered toastman !
And so, powdered
toastman is off
on another day
of heroic adventure.
Jiminy !
( horn honking )
Instantly,
powdered toastman...
assesses the situation !
Leave everything
to me !
This calls for my
projectile raisin breath.
( brakes squealing )
( explosion )
Powdered toastman !
( crowd )
Yay, powdered toastman !
Yay !
Yay, powdered toastman !
Ha, ha, ha !
It's another
distress call !
No time to lose.
( brakes squealing )
Powdered toastman !
Alley-oop !
Danger !
( laughing )
( Toastman )
Don't make me
come in there.
Powdered toastman !
Hey, I'm saved.
Leave everything to me.
( growling )
Have a taste of my
hyper-Corrosive croutons,
arch villain.
( screaming )
Hold on, buddy.
You'll be free
in a jiffy.
But powdered toastman,
what about muddy mudskipper ?
Hmm, my gosh,
you're right.
How thoughtless of me.
Powdered toastman !
( laughing )
( explosion )
Can't hold on !
Wind intensity
too strong !
Quick, man !
Cling tenaciously
to my buttocks !
Both of them ?
( phone ringing )
Another distress call.
( woman )
Calling Powdered Toastman.
Come in.
Calling Powdered Toastman.
Yeth ?
( chattering )
Yeth ?
( garbled )
Leave everything to me.
Listen,
something's come up.
Sorry, mack, but I've
got to attend to
something
really important.
Powdered toastman !
Hello, fellas.
What seems to
be the trouble ?
We're all out of
powdered toast.
Leave everything to me.
I'm sorry,
fellas.
I almost forgot.
( farting )
My toast particles
are dissipating !
That can only
mean one thing:
a call from Washington.
Powdered toastman !
Mr. President,
what seems to
be the trouble ?
I'm caught in
my own zipper !
Leave everything to me.
Anytime you're ready,
Mr. President.
Okay, pull.
Yow !
Ugh...
oh, thank you,
powdered toastman.
And thus, the president
goes into recovery.
But what shall
happen to America ?
Who will run the country ?
Leave everything to me.
And powdered toastman
is sworn into office.
I, powdered toastman,
do solemnly swear to
relieve the American citizens
of their basic
human rights.
( cheering )
Lovely assistant,
take a letter,
the letter "m".
Furthermore, let's hold off
the talks with the Kremlin,
until we settle
the new three stooges
stamp controversy.
Personally my vote
goes with shemp,
although curly is certainly
nothing to take lightly.
That'll be all,
faithful one.
Well, I guess that takes
care of the day's business.
Man, this job is
too cushy for me.
Brr, it's chilly in here.
Ah, here's the problem.
The fire's died down.
Let's see.
Hmm, we need
something dry here.
Here's some dusty
old papers.
Ah, that's much better.
The end !
Captioning made possible by
comedy central
Captioned by
Soundwriters™
♪ cha, cha, cha ♪
♪ cha, cha, cha ♪
this... will...
hurt... you.
( gulping )
Hey !
Stimpy, look what
they did to my arm !
Yeah, I got shots, too.
( buzzing )
You know, Stimpy, this
army business ain't so bad.
I think we
found our niche.
Atten-hut !
What did he say ?
Atten-hut !
Excuse me,
could you--
about pace !
Forward, harh !
( calling cadence )
About face !
Forward, harh !
( calling cadence )
Company halt !
Remain calm !
Can't you
follow orders ?
All right,
you two insects.
Give me 20 !
As a rule, I don't
like to lend money.
But you got
an honest face.
Hey, Ren.
I think the sarge
likes you best
'cause he gave you
the most potatoes to peel.
( Man on P.A. )
Recruits Ren and Stimpy,
report for tear-gas training.
Duh !
Tear-gas room ?
Pee-yew !
I tell you, man,
there's nothing could
get me in there.
Remove mask !
( crying )
( screaming )
( crying )
Hey, how come
you're not crying ?
I cheated.
I held my breath.
Boy, Stimpy, you're
such a knucklehead.
Listen, you moron.
I am smart,
you're stupid.
I know how to get around
that big, dopey sarge.
Stick with me, kid.
I know where
I'm going in life.
About !
The room !
Happy, happy, happy.
Peel, peel, peel.
( grunting )
Stimpy !
Phew !
All right,
rest period's over.
Let's get a move on.
Did you hear me ?
I said,
let's get going !
You don't want to anger
that big, dopey sar-r-R...
( screaming )
Puff, puff,
breathe, pain...
oh, man.
My dogs are
killing me.
Boy, it sure feels good
to get those boots off.
You said it.
Good night, Ren.
Good night, Stimpy.
Now all I need...
is eight hours of
uninterrupted sleep.
( snoring )
( reveille )
Now, no sleep.
Hee hee.
No sleep.
No bed.
( crying )
And no, no, no,
bed, bed, bed !
( evil laugh )
( Sarge )
Atten-Hut !
( panting )
Forward harh !
( calling cadence )
( crying )
Psst, hey, Guido.
It's all so
clear to me now.
I'm the keeper
of the cheese.
And you're
the lemon merchant.
You get it ?
And he knows it.
That's why he's
gonna kill us.
So we gotta beat it.
Yeah.
Before he lets loose
the marmosets on us.
Don't worry,
little Missy.
I'll save you !
( growling )
Congrabulations !
You graduated.
You're full-fledged
tank paratroopers.
( squealing )
Stimpy.
I can't believe it.
We made it.
Not only do we have these cool
uniforms and this swell tank,
we're also proud members
of an elite fighting force.
♪ Oh beautiful
for spacious skies ♪
♪ for amber waves
of grain ♪
♪ for purple
mountains majesty ♪
♪ above the fruited plain ♪
♪ America, America ♪
♪ god shed his
grace on thee... ♪
♪ cha, cha, cha ♪
( announcer )
New amazing product !
Hi, kids.
I start out my day with
my favorite breakfast.
That's right,
sugar frosted milk.
Mmm !
Smell those lumps !
Just four ounces of lumps
and six ounces of cereal
makes for
a balanced breakfast.
( screaming )
Help !
And sugar frosted milk
stays lumpy, even in cereal.
Morning, sis.
Oh, boy !
Sugar frosted lumps !
Hey !
Who stole my lumps ?
( announcer )
It's time for
"ask Dr. Stupid."
With your host,
Dr. Stupid.
Oh, hello there.
Doctor, here's a letter
from Jennifer
from bent armpit, Wyoming.
And she asks,
"dear Dr. Stupid,
what is that ugly white slab
in my can of beans ?"
That's a very good
question, Jennifer.
I'd better put on my patented
stuponitron helmet.
Prepare to activate.
( chuckling )
The answer's
simple, really.
Jennifer, that ugly white slab
in your can of beans is...
the queen bean !
And all the other beans are
the worker beans that serve her.
Thank you, Dr. Stupid.
Tune in next time
for "ask Dr. Stupid."
( screaming )
At last, I have control
of your Tv set.
Are you receiving me ?
Welcome to our
secret headquarters.
Thousands of miles below
the earth's crust.
Shut up, you fool !
How do you know
we can trust them ?
We could make them
take the oath.
Perfect, the oath.
Put your hand
on the Tv screen
and repeat after me.
I do hereby promise only to
watch the Ren & Stimpy show,
to make under-leg noises
during the good scenes,
to wear unwashed
lederhosen
every single day of
the rest of my life !
That's it !
You're in our
secret club.
All right, Stimpy.
They're okay.
Show them the stuff.
Congratulations--
oh, shut up
and show 'em.
I'm showing 'em,
I'm showing 'em !
Okay, kids.
It's time for
a secret cartoon.
( announcer )
Who is this stranger
from another land ?
Why does he walk
among mortal men ?
What is his mission ?
Where can we get a pair
of undershorts like his ?
Who is this man of toast,
and what does
he want from us ?
What is his dark secret ?
Shut up !
If you ask me one
more stupid question,
I'll tear your
skin off !
Disguised as pastor toastman,
the cool youth deacon,
powdered toastman works his
day job as a government clerk.
Only powdered toastman's
faithful assistant
knows his dark secret.
Excuse me, father.
But there's a distress call on
your toastometron communicator.
Thank you,
my lovely assistant.
Will evil never rest ?
I hope not.
( man )
Calling Powdered Toastman.
Please respond.
Come in,
Powdered Toastman !
Powdered toastman here.
( chattering )
Mm-hmm...
cripes !
I'll get right on it,
leave everything to me.
Powdered toastman !
And so, powdered
toastman is off
on another day
of heroic adventure.
Jiminy !
( horn honking )
Instantly,
powdered toastman...
assesses the situation !
Leave everything
to me !
This calls for my
projectile raisin breath.
( brakes squealing )
( explosion )
Powdered toastman !
( crowd )
Yay, powdered toastman !
Yay !
Yay, powdered toastman !
Ha, ha, ha !
It's another
distress call !
No time to lose.
( brakes squealing )
Powdered toastman !
Alley-oop !
Danger !
( laughing )
( Toastman )
Don't make me
come in there.
Powdered toastman !
Hey, I'm saved.
Leave everything to me.
( growling )
Have a taste of my
hyper-Corrosive croutons,
arch villain.
( screaming )
Hold on, buddy.
You'll be free
in a jiffy.
But powdered toastman,
what about muddy mudskipper ?
Hmm, my gosh,
you're right.
How thoughtless of me.
Powdered toastman !
( laughing )
( explosion )
Can't hold on !
Wind intensity
too strong !
Quick, man !
Cling tenaciously
to my buttocks !
Both of them ?
( phone ringing )
Another distress call.
( woman )
Calling Powdered Toastman.
Come in.
Calling Powdered Toastman.
Yeth ?
( chattering )
Yeth ?
( garbled )
Leave everything to me.
Listen,
something's come up.
Sorry, mack, but I've
got to attend to
something
really important.
Powdered toastman !
Hello, fellas.
What seems to
be the trouble ?
We're all out of
powdered toast.
Leave everything to me.
I'm sorry,
fellas.
I almost forgot.
( farting )
My toast particles
are dissipating !
That can only
mean one thing:
a call from Washington.
Powdered toastman !
Mr. President,
what seems to
be the trouble ?
I'm caught in
my own zipper !
Leave everything to me.
Anytime you're ready,
Mr. President.
Okay, pull.
Yow !
Ugh...
oh, thank you,
powdered toastman.
And thus, the president
goes into recovery.
But what shall
happen to America ?
Who will run the country ?
Leave everything to me.
And powdered toastman
is sworn into office.
I, powdered toastman,
do solemnly swear to
relieve the American citizens
of their basic
human rights.
( cheering )
Lovely assistant,
take a letter,
the letter "m".
Furthermore, let's hold off
the talks with the Kremlin,
until we settle
the new three stooges
stamp controversy.
Personally my vote
goes with shemp,
although curly is certainly
nothing to take lightly.
That'll be all,
faithful one.
Well, I guess that takes
care of the day's business.
Man, this job is
too cushy for me.
Brr, it's chilly in here.
Ah, here's the problem.
The fire's died down.
Let's see.
Hmm, we need
something dry here.
Here's some dusty
old papers.
Ah, that's much better.
The end !
Captioning made possible by
comedy central
Captioned by
Soundwriters™