The Ren & Stimpy Show (1991–1996): Season 1, Episode 6 - Black Hole/Stimpy's Invention - full transcript

( Ren )
Captain's log:
emergency report.

We're fast being sucked
into the hideous vortex

of a black hole.

( blaring alarm )

Our rocket engines
are useless.

We are
trying everything,

even manual override...

( crunching )

But to no avail.

Our shipboard computer
suggests one last alternative...

( beeping )



Ahhhhhh !
Ahhhhhh !

Ahhhhhh ! Ahhhhhh !

Ahhhhhh !
Ahhhhhh !

( creaking )

( screaming continues )

( shattering )

( whimpers in
the distance )

We're alive !

Alive, I tell you,
alive !

Flesh and blood, not wax.

Do you realize we're
the first dog and cat

to pass through
a black hole

and live to
tell the tale ?

And now here we are



in this wondrous
new universe,

completely
unaffected by the journey.

Okay, cadet Stimpy,

we'd better scout around
and do some exploring.

See if you can
get some readings

on your tri-corder.

Yes, sir !

We'll
split up.

Good idea.

What a great couple
of guys he is.

Aaaah !

Pull yourself
together, misters !

( gulps )

Captain's log:
cadet Stimpy and myself

now explore this strange
new universe,

a place where the very
physical laws of nature

do not apply.

I'm afraid it's having
some strange effect on us.

Boy, cap'n,
I'm pooped.

Okay, we'll
rest here.

I'm pooped, too.

I gotta
sit down.

Man, it feels good
to sit down.

Boy, you said it,
cap'n.

( squeaking )

Belay that
nose picking, cadet !

Yes, sir,
cap'n, sir !

Captain's log:

cadet Stimpy and I
have begun to adapt

to our strange
surroundings.

In fact, we feel
strangely energized,

and have picked up
our pace a bit.

Hey, cadet Stimpy,

let's climb that
mountain

so we can learn
the lay of the land.

Aye, aye, cap'n.

Captain's log:
cadet Stimpy and myself

have set out for the mysterious
distant mountain.

( buzzing )

The closer we
get to the mountain,

the more we notice
an odor,

a disgusting
yet familiar odor,

a stench, if you will.

We are beckoned--
no, compelled--

by the repugnant

yet somehow
delicious aroma.

Must... keep...
going.

Mustn't... give up.

Hey, Stimpy,
we made it !

Now I see from whence
the stench came.

Wow, I think I can see
our house from here !

Why, it's nothing
but a mountain

of stinky
old gym socks.

Aaaaaaaah !

It's my missing
left sock !

I've been looking
for this everywhere.

I've got one just
like it at home.

We cats love
stinky socks.

( squeaking )

A left sock--
left sock ?

That's it !

These are all
left socks.

This is where all
the missing left socks

in the universe go !

General Hoek,

for retrieving all the world's
lost left socks,

we give you
a million dollars

and the Nobel
peace prize !

( chewing )

( beeping )

Hey, cap'n, this
space-Time doohickey says

if we don't get to

the transdimensional
gateway by 3:00,

we'll be
trapped here forever !

Thank you,
Herr president.

It's my pleasure--
3:00 ? !

That's five minutes !

How far away is
the nearest gateway ?

One mile thataway.

There it is !

Only 25 seconds
to spare.

( man )
All aboard !

Now departing black hole

for jersey city
and all points up.

Cadet Stimpy,
we made it !

We're home free !

Hey, Mr. Bus driver,
two tickets, please.

Can't you read ?

Now what do we do ?

Well, we'll probably
continue to mutate,

then our very molecules

will more than likely
begin to break up.

I'm sure our atoms
will disperse slowly

throughout the universe.

I guess it's
hopeless.

Wait, I have an idea.

I'll set
the space-time thingie

to our molecular
wavelengths,

switch 'Er into reverse,

and turn it up
to full blast,

and we'll simply implode !

Implode, what's that ?

Oh, sorry, cap'n, uh,

you're a layman,
aren't you ?

I'll try and explain
it in technical terms.

Hmm.

Imploding is like,
uh... eh...

no, it's, uh...

wait,
I'll show you !

( groaning )

Stimpy, you're a genius !

Stimpy, I can
always count on you

when the chips
are down.

Let's do it !

Well, there you have it.

In just five seconds,
we implode !

Been nice
knowing you, buddy.

You're a good kid.

See you
around, pal.

( both )
♪ Memories ♪

( jingling )

Oh, silly me.

I had a whole
pocket full of change

all the time.

Kinda ironic,
huh, Ren ?

( growling )

( buzzing )

Hey, Betty,
guess what I got !

Jamie, you don't mean...

yes !

( both )
New high-fashion log
for girls.

( announcer )
Yes, all new high-fashion
log for girls.

Why, she's beautiful.

Uh-huh.

And just look at all
these high-fashion outfits

and accessories.

I'm gonna dress her up
like a bride.

Yes, girls have endless
hours of fun

playing dress-up
with new high-fashion log.

( thwamping )

And don't forget
dream date log.

Isn't it romantic ?

Girls just love
high-Fashion log.

( sighs )

Yes, log.

All kids
love log.

♪ What rolls down stairs
alone or in pairs ♪

♪ rolls over
your neighbor's dog ? ♪

♪ What's great for a snack
and fits on your back ? ♪

♪ It's log
log log ♪

♪ it's log log ♪

♪ it's big
it's heavy it's wood ♪

♪ it's log log ♪

♪ it's better
than bad it's good ♪

♪ everyone wants a log ♪

♪ you're gonna
love it log ♪

♪ come on
and get your log ♪

♪ everyone needs
a log... ♪

log, from blammo.

( Stimpy )
Hey, Ren

( irritated )
What ?!

Will you help me try out
my new inventions ?

Go away, I'm busy !

Come on, Ren,
I need your help.

Oh, please !

Huh ?

Uh, all right,
all right, sure.

All right, Stimpy,
I'm losing my patience.

Let's get this
over with !

Ahem, ladies and gents,

I give you...
the cheese-o-phone.

Now we can talk
to cheese

anywhere
in the world,

regardless of their
foreign tongues.

Eh, go ahead, Ren,

say something
in Limburger.

( screaming whistle )

Will you hurry so I can
finish my paper ?

( clattering )

Check this out, Ren.

It's the remote
control shaver.

Now you can get
a clean, close shave

without even
being there.

Observe.

( buzzing )

That's the most
ridiculous thing

I've ever heard !

You--

( buzzing )

You...

here, Ren,
for you !

Oh, what is it ?

Go ahead, open it.

What are they ?

They're my latest
invention:

stay-put socks.

They never
fall down !

Say, now,
that's a good idea.

Especially for those of us
who don't wear clothes.

( squish )

Why, it's amazing !

How do
they work ?

They're
full of glue !

( bubbling )

I'm so glad
you like them, Ren.

Wait here.

I'll go get the stay-put
hat and raincoat.

You filthy
swine !

I will kill you !

( grunting )

Hey, what's
the matter, Ren ?

( high-pitched grunting )

Say...
you don't suppose--

( gasps )

He's unhappy ?

I know now
what I must do.

I must use
my gift of invention

to save Ren.

( electric sizzling )

( hissing )

( thundering )

( buzzing )

( bubbling )

( hissing )

Hmm...

( drilling )

Hmm...
ah !

( jack hammering )

( air driver )

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm,
mm-Hmm, mm-hmm.

( boing )

( wheezy exhale )

( electric sizzling )

( buzzing )

( bubbling )

Whew !

( gulping )

( clanking )

Eureka !

( Stimpy )
Hey, Ren !

What ?!

Are you feeling
any better ?

No, I'm not
feeling any better !

Wait.

What are
you up to ?

Oh, nothing !

What have you got behind
your back ?

You're hiding
something from me,

aren't you ?

What is it
you're hiding ?

All right,
let's see it !

Okay, hand it over !

( clanking )

Hey, what is
this thing ?

Get it off of me !

It's the happy helmet, Ren.

Now you'll always
be happy !

And this is
the remote control,

and I use this dial

to control how happy
you are.

You sick
little monkey !

Why, I oughta--

( electronic buzz )

Reee...

hey, it works !

( buzz )

Hey... what's...
happening...

to me ?!

No !

Got to
fight it !

Eee !

( maniacal laughing )

Can't lose...
control !

Will strong.

( distorted voice )
Body...weak !

Whee !

Hah hah
hah hah hah !

Ah ha ha ha ha ha !

( voice echoing )
Stimpy, I'm so happy !

I... must go...

do... nice...
things !

Hee hee hee hee !
Hah hah hah hah !

( creaking )

So... happy...
ironing...

for... Stimpy !

Hah hah hah hah hah !
Ah ha ha ha ha ha !

( crunch )

Ah ha ha ha ha ha !

( Ren )
I... must do...

wonderful things...

for my best friend...
Stimpy !

Ooh joy !

Ah hah hah
hah hah !

See how I love
to clean...

filthy cat boxes ?

( scraping )

Hah hah hah
hah hah !

Ah ha ha
ha ha ha ha ha...

( laughing )

( crash )

( horn toots )

( honking )

Ren !

I've got
a surprise for you !

Come out, come out,
wherever you are.

Hey, maybe Ren
is somewhere being sad.

I will make him
happy again !

( dinging )

Ren, oh, Ren...

boy, Ren, if you think
you're happy now,

wait'll you hear this !

It's a record of my
favorite song !

It's called
"happy happy joy joy !"

( strumming guitar )

( man on record )
Hello, boys and girls.

This is your old pal
Stinky Whizzleteats.

This is a song
about a whale.

No !

This is a song
about being happy.

That's right.

It's the Happy Happy
Joy Joy song.

♪ Happy Happy Joy Joy ♪

♪ Happy Happy
Joy Joy ♪

♪ Happy Happy Joy Joy ♪

♪ Happy Happy
Joy Joy ♪

♪ Happy Happy Joy Joy ♪

♪ Happy Happy
Joy Joy ♪

♪ Happy Happy
Joy Joy Joy ♪

I don't think
you're happy enough.

That's right.

I'Il teach you
to be happy.

I'Il teach your
grandmother to suck eggs !

Now, boys and girls,
let's try it again.

♪ Happy Happy
Joy Joy ♪

♪ Happy Happy Joy Joy ♪

♪ Happy Happy
Joy Joy ♪

♪ Happy Happy Joy Joy ♪

♪ Happy Happy
Joy Joy ♪

♪ Happy Happy Joy Joy ♪

♪ Happy Happy
Joy Joy Joy ♪

If'n you ain't
the granddaddy of all liars !

The little critters
of nature,

they don't know
that they're ugly.

That's very funny...

a fly marrying
a bumble bee.

I told ya I'd shoot...

but you didn't
believe me !

Why didn't
you believe me ?!

♪ Happy Happy
Joy Joy ♪

♪ Happy Happy Joy Joy ♪

♪ Happy Happy
Joy Joy ♪

♪ Happy Happy Joy Joy ♪

♪ Happy Happy
Joy Joy ♪

♪ Happy Happy Joy Joy ♪

♪ Happy Happy Happy
Happy Happy Happy ♪

♪ Happy Happy Happy
Happy Happy Happy Happy ♪

♪ Happy Happy Joy Joy Joy ♪

( steaming )

( shattering glass )

Ren, you,
you're angry ?

You're darn tootin'
I'm angry !

I've never
been this angry

in my entire life !

Hey...
I feel great !

I love being
angry !

Thank you, Stimpy.

Happy to be
of service ?

( echoing laughter )

It's time for
"ask Dr. Stupid"

with your host
Dr. Stupid.

Oh, hello there.

Doctor, here's
a letter from Jennifer,

from bent armpit,
Wyoming.

And she asks:
"dear Dr. Stupid,

"what is that ugly
white slab

in my can of beans ?"

That's a very good
question, Jennifer.

I better put on my patented
stupomitron helmet.

Prepare to activate.

The answer's
simple really.

Jennifer, that ugly white slab
in your can of beans is...

the queen bean !

And all the other beans
are the worker beans

that serve her.

Thank you Dr. Stupid.

Tune in next time for
"ask Dr. Stupid".

Captioning made possible by
comedy central

Captioned by
Soundwriters™