The Rebels (2014–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

* sh'ma yis'ra'eil

* adonai eloheinu

* adonai echad

Andrew was more than
just a husband and a father.

He was the leader of a...
Of a larger family.

The patriarch
to his beloved rebels.

I know that he would've wanted
his players to send him

And our memories of him

into the next phase of life.

Okay. On three.

One, two...



Coach!

He said on three,
motherfuckers!

Let me tell you a little
something about l. a.

I love it!

Come on.

* city of angels
- * whoo!

* city of angels

* ooh, ooh, city of angels
City of angels *

* city of angels
- * oh...

* ooh ooh

* city of angels
- * oh...

* ooh ooh
- * yeah

* all right
- * city of angels

I love it!



Good morning, football fans,

And welcome to our
preseason special

Where we're talking about
the los angeles rebels.

And they are a mess.
You know, where do we start?

The owner just passed away,
leaving the team to his wife.

Former cheerleader
Julie Levine.

And their number one pick,
hurricane Jesus,

He's holding out, so they don't
have a quarterback.

Plus they're receiving
lamont slice.

Be honest with you,
he's straight-up crazy.

He's ver... He's crazy.
he's full nuts.

And to add injury to insult,

The only thing they have
going for them

Is their team's best player
is a kicker from argentina,

soccer star mauricio marinda.

Well, if he's your best
player, you're in trouble.

I'm not so sure julie levine
is even fit for this job.

Do you guys?
But she's... She's hot.

She may be hot...

Has anyone seen my phone?

Chris?

Chris, honey,
do you have my phone?

Mom!

Oh. Um, this is, um...

This is supposed to be
your dad's territory.

Um, so i...

It's a... It is a really
positive stage in your life.

And, um... Well,
when i was... When i was 13,

I had this stuffed animal
named chirpy herbie, and...

Chirpy herbie would, um...

He would shake
when you squeezed him.

And one night i...
I rolled over...

Hi.

Hey.

I tried calling.
- Yeah, i lost my phone. Again.

Everyone's waiting
downstairs.

Who?

Your 1:30 meeting
with the owners.

I put it on your schedule.

It should've popped up in your
phone, which you can't find.

the phone that i don't...
- Sorry.

Is that my meat?
- Yep. Yep.

So could you go downstairs
and just make sure

They all have drinks?

Yeah, for sure.
- Some, like, small talk.

Okay.
- And i'll just...

I'll get ready here.

Yeah, definitely.

Man, i am sorry
you got cut by buffalo.

Enough about buffalo.
fuck buffalo.

Who else you got?

No one. I called every team
In the league, rick.

Arnie, i've thrown
196 touchdowns.

I won the fiat qb challenge
seven straight years.

But you've never
won a ring.

You see?

They want a championship,
okay?

I could sell your leadership
abilities, but look, rick,

You know i love you.

But there comes a time
in every player's career

When he's gotta
look at himself in the mirror

And start thinking
about life after football.

I need a job to get
my daughter back, arnie,

Just get me a gig.

Chad, what is this?

It is the bill.

Right, but this
is my restaurant.

Well, shannon said
you knew about...

Didn't the court
Award the...

Yeah, she got the restaurant,
but it's called number 9's.

Right.
- I'm number 9.

Yeah, it's just a new policy
of shannon's that...

We don't give you
the free meals anymore.

I'm rick massella.
I'm number 9.

It's called number 9's.
This is my restaurant.

Right.
- You know what, rick?

Rick, rick, i'm gonna
get this and let's go.

No. I'm not paying
in my own fucking restaurant.

I'm under specific
instructions

That if you don't pay the bill
i have to call the police.

Fine. Fine.

We'll pay.
- Okay.

Arnie.

I'm not gonna pay
to look at my own shit, okay?

So i'm gonna take
this stuff with me.

You know what,
rick, rick, rick...

Bolted down.

So i'll get my jersey.

Fuck!

* away from the pressure

There you go.

Man, what the fuck is this?

It's a monkey.

But i ordered a baby monkey.
that... That's not a baby...

No, this is steve.
You ordered steve.

How old is steve?

This is a...
This is a five-year-old monkey.

What am i gonna do
wwth this old-ass monkey?

You can keep him,
don't keep him,

let him go,
i don't give a fuck.

Enjoy your monkey.

You're bullshitting, right?

Hey, man, come get this...

Fuck off.

Hey, old steve.

Come on, let's...

Let me get you
some water or something.

How 'bout bitches?
You like bitches?

Yeah, it's gonna be a lot
of bitches at the party.

Maybe we'll find you
a hairy monkey bitch.

So, uh, global warming.

What do you guys think,
real or hoax?

This is ridiculous.
- I'm so sorry. Jim.

Well, things have been nuts,
you know, since andrew's passing.

And my head's been kind of
All over the place.

Please, sit down.
- Julie, we know this has been

A very difficult time for you.

Is this about the costumes?
Because i know. I know.

The rebels have the worst
costumes in the league.

You mean uniforms?

Andrew asked me to look
at the design because

I went through all this
with chris's school logo.

What i did was i
put down the point size,

And i did it all in lowercase.

But, like, the really cool
lowercase.

Like, the e. e. Cummings
lowercase,

Not that cheesy au bon pain
'70s nonsense.

I don't... I'm not into that,
you know what i mean?

No, i do not.

Did you even
review the emails?

Can you remind me of the...
just the particulars of...

The ownership committee
has vetted

A potential new owner
for the rebels.

This is phil mavon.

Oil and gas out of Texas.

Mrs. Levine,
i am sorry for your loss.

I was a great, big fan
of your late husband.

I understand that you two met
when you were a cheerleader?

We did. That was...
That was a long time ago.

For what it's worth,
you are welcome to do the splits

On my team anytime.

Julie, i'm prepared
to offer you

700 million
for the los angeles rebels.

Wow. Um, that's...
That is a lot of money.

But i'm... I'm really not
in the headspace right now

To make a big decision
like this.

Time to get in
the right headspace

may be a luxury
you can't afford.

See, the rebels have
fewer season ticket holders

Than any other team
in the league,

And you got 'em playing
in the oldest of the stadiums.

See, i plan on rebuilding this
franchise from the ground up.

Talking about new players,
new stadium, the whole shebang.

Which, if i'm not mistaken,
is something you have

Neither the resources
nor the know-how to do.

What's more,
you just lost your gm. He quit.

Who?
- Ted Thompson.

Oh, yes. Ted t...
The guy with the comb-over.

He talks like this
out the side...

Ted is working for us now.

Julie, i take no offense
to that comment.

Hi, Ted.
- Hi.

Yes, Danny.

Um, do you mind if i ask

how you plan on building
a new stadium?

Mr. Levine had been
trying for years,

And the city
just wouldn't allow it...

Yeah, i'm moving the team
to san antonio.

Julie, it's time to be
at home with your son.

Isn't that what Andrew
would've wanted?

Andrew would've wanted
better costumes.

Sweetheart, this is a football
team, not a school play.

I'll give you one week
to decide.

So nice to see you, Ted.
- Nice to see you too.

You think i should sell?

I mean, it's just
too big of a decision

For me to tell you
what to do.

Oh.

Uh, it's coach paysinger.

Can i ask you
a personal question?

Yeah, sure.

How old were you when you
first started to take...

Care of yourself?

I mean, after college,
i guess.

But, you know, my parents
still paid for...

No, no.
No, sorry. No.

I mean, you played uno.
You know.

Like the card game uno?

First time you jerked
Your dick off, danny.

When was that?
Do you remember?

Were you, like,
Chris's age?

oh...
- and you still do it often?

Not at work.
Never at work.

I just want to know
What to expect.

We really should get back
To coach paysinger

About hurricane jesus.

about which one? - hurricane jesus.
Our draft pick from miami?

we haven't signed him.
- can you do that for me?

Julie, i was
Andrew's assistant.

I pick out birthday gifts,
I get drinks.

Last week i took your jeans
To the denim doctor.

Okay, well, then who is it
That does all those things?

The gm with the comb-over.
Who just quit.

Oh...

All right, fine.
You're the new gm. How's that?

what? No.
- why?

You know more about football
Than anyone i know.

Andrew trusted you, danny.
I trust you.

I'm not...
I'm not qualified.

You want me to knight you?
I'll knight you.

"yiminus, nominus, septimus."
You are knighted.

You are now the new gm
Of the los angeles rebels.

Now go get that hurricane fellow
For me, would ya?

All right,
For the latest on the rebels,

Let's go to our insider
Jay glazer.

All right, curt, well,
Here is the scoopers.

The new gm in l. a.
Is danny norwood.

You never heard of him?
Either has anybody else,

Because he's never really
Had a job in pro football.

It's insanely surprising.

My sources say this is not
Scoring any points

Not getting the rebels
Any closer

To signing hurricane jesus,
Their number one pick.

Would you like something
To drink, mr. Norwood?

An iced tea, perhaps?

okay.
- sweetened or regular?

what would you suggest?
- well, what i like is the regular,

But with some fresh-squeezed
Lime, some wild bee honey.

Yeah, sounds great.

Mrs. Levine making you gm

Is not a good sign
She's keeping this team.

Hi, coach.

You know, son,
I used to come in here

When ted thompson
Wasn't around

Just to experience the nirvana

Of his private toilet
Spray jet in my anus.

You know what that means?

Not really.

It means that
You've been handed

The keys to a professional
Football team.

That is a privilege,
Not a right.

You've got to earn
That spray jet.

And you've got
To earn my faith.

Cold iced tea
With fresh-squeezed lime

And wild bee honey,
Like you requested.

Oh, getting real comfortable,
Huh?

Coach, could i offer you
A cold glass of iced tea?

You can offer me a cold glass
Of hurricane jesus.

So get it done.

Here's a list of the guys
You're gonna need to cut.

Cut?

How'd you think
We'd free up the money, gm?

Wouldn't it be more
Appropriate if you did this?

I'm the emotional leader
Of the team, danny.

I can't betray the men.
That's your job.

You try the ass sprayer
On your toilet yet?

No, not yet.

You should try it, man.

Ooh! It's great.

Real good.

So, uh, listen,
The thing is, lamont...

Here's the thing.

How'd you like to have
Your uniform retired?

My uniform?

Yeah, i mean, you have been
So good for the rebels,

We'd like to retire your number
So that no one can ever wear it.

So if you retire
My number, then...

What uniform
Am i gonna wear?

Well, um...

You know hurricane jesus?

Yeah, i fucking hate him.

Well, he's asking
For 36 million,

And that's gotta
Come from other salaries.

And you've got a balloon
Payment this season

That we just can't affo...

Uh, please, this...
This isn't personal.

It's really a compliment,

We just can't afford
To pay you what you're worth.

No, i know, lamont...
Okay...

Uh, listen, lamont,
Just stop crying, okay?

I just... Look,
I'm new at this, and...

You're not cut.

you're not cut.
- don't fuck with me.

no. Sure.
- you serious?

You're my nigga, man.
Okay.

Yes. Forget what everybody
Said about you, man.

What does everyone
Say about me?

No, fuck all that, man.
You need anything?

Whatever you need,
I got you, man.

trip to hawaii, aston martin.
- oh, no.

pussy.
- no.

ashley!
- no.

ashley!
- can i help you?

Can you do me a favor
And fuck this man?

That's not appropriate.

hey, kiddo.
- dad.

give it to me.
- oh.

So good to see you.
I got back in last night.

I didn't want to tell you,
I wanted to surprise you.

you got me.
- like the new car?

Yeah, it's a fiat.

I'm sorry things didn't
Work out in buffalo.

Are you still
Gonna play this year?

Yeah, i'm playing this year.
Definitely.

Yeah, i've got calls
Coming in from, like,

Half the teams
In the league.

It's good.

And wherever i land, i'd love
For you to come with me.

Dad, i'd love to,

But mom is never gonna
Let that happen.

So mortenson's saying
The rebels

Are finished in los angeles

And the commissioner's
Making you sell the team.

And phil mavon tweeted
Something about your, um...

about my what?
- it's about your ass.

My ass?
What's wrong with my ass?

nothing.
- no.

Just said it's impossible
To run a team

With an ass like yours.

I mean, basically,
The general gist is that

You're a rich widow
Who's in over her head.

Well, that's completely wrong.

shit. You okay?
- yeah.

What is wrong
With you, lady?

What's wrong with me?
You just...

You slammed on your brakes
Outta nowhere.

what were you thinking?
- what am i thinking?

You destroyed my fender.
Look at this.

This is a school zone.
You know that, right?

Are you even...
Are you a parent here?

why would you ask me that?
- i don't know, i've never see...

Why would you ask me
If i'm a parent?

'cause i'm not
Driving a range rover

Like all the other yoga milfs
In your pilates class?

What, did your nanny
Call in sick today?

Oh, that's nice.
You wanna do this?

I'll do this.
I'll do this all day long.

Are you insane, lady?
This is imported from italy!

Good. Nicely done. Make...

Make a bad situation worse.

How 'bout that, huh?
You know what? No.

Dad, come on, let's go.

What a fine father
You must be.

i am a fine fucking father.
- i'm sure you are, sir.

You're gonna be
Hearing from my lawyer.

don't call me "sir."
- don't call you "sir?"

Yeah. Don't call me "sir."

It's what polite human beings,
Not barbarians, do.

No, it's not,
It's condescending.

ma'am.
- let's go.

Let's go.

You have no idea
who that was, do you?

Hut!

* oh what does it take
To be lonesome *

* nothing at all

* what does it take
To be lonesome *

* nothing at all

Gimme some good news, arnie.

I got you a gig.

Who is it?
Oakland? San diego?

Uh, have you ever
heard of a show

Called celebrity
dance challenge?

Hello?

Are you kidding me?

I gotta let you go.
- Come on, man.

Gotta let you go.
- I just bought a boat.

I gotta make room
for hurricane jesus.

Hurricane jesus
can suck my clit!

You just have a balloon
payment this season we can't afford.

I'm gonna crush
your balls, danny!

Cut me?
- Crush 'em into paste!

Cut me?
Fuck you, man!

Look at you,
mr. Big nuts gm.

Come here.
- Hi.

All right, all right.
Looking good.

So you're the boss now.
Jesus.

Grief left mrs. Levine
just totally batshit crazy?

It's a...
It's a temporary position.

all right. - look, dude,
do you know how hard it was

Scraping together
your asking price?

I mean, what...
What is the holdup?

If it were up to me, this whole
thing would be done by now.

I know you and i took it in
the asshole together in the mail room.

But hurricane Jesus
isn't feeling the love, danny.

He wants you
to want him.

He needs you
to need him.

He'd love you
to love him.

Does he want more money?
- I'm not asking for more money.

You get the whole team
over to his house.

Have them tell hurricane jesus
face-to-face

How much they love him.

I cut these guys for him.

Important guys, and now
the whole team hates me

'cause i got rid
Of their boys.

Y-p-b.

It's your problem, bro.

Here's what i know.
Hurricane jesus...

He's the future
of professional football.

You sign him,
you're swimming in gravy.

But without him,

Y'all's ass gonna be
the first person they fire

when they move them rebels
down to san antonio.

All right.
I'll talk to the team.

All right.

Yeah, i made an inroad
with one of them today,

And he seems
Pretty reasonable.

Who want to snort
some cocaine off my dick head?

Oh, shit!

Hey, man, i was the spiritual
leader of this team.

Danny doesn't know shit.

I'm gonna miss
the pre-game brunches!

Hey, yo.

Somebody been doing
Some monkey cocaine.

I guess that's what
you call a snow monkey.

Oh, shit!

That monkey got a...

Oh, steve!

Hey.

So it's happening?

We're really selling
the rebels?

Come here.

Honey, i know how much
you love the team, but...

Kiddo,
this is not my world.

The owners
do not want me,

And they're making it known
in the press, and it's just...

Listen, when you
get older,

You're gonna realize
that sometimes life

Just doesn't work out
The way you wish it would.

So you're selling
because a bunch of bullies

Told you you had to?

Hello?
-Mrs. Levine, this is moose.

Yeah, we have
a situation up here.

Andrew used to take care
Of these kind of things for us.

Okay, uh,
put the girls in the cars

And get them outta here asap.

Danny, get everybody's
cell phones, sidekicks, ipads,

Anything,
any communication device.

No, no, no, no, no...

Ladies, this way.
Gotta go, gotta go.

Mauricio,
is this the foot that...

My foot for kicking.

Kicking foot? Okay.

It's okay. It's okay.
I'm just gonna look at it.

No, don't.

Oh...

Oh, god.
- Is it bad?

No, it's, um...
It's gonna be fine.

yeah?
- yeah.

Some party, huh?

Fuck you, danny.
- Okay.

I'm fucked up, man.

They gonna send me
to fucking prison.

No one's going to prison.
We're gonna squash this.

But i need you to tell me
right now, where is the monkey?

Oh, steve is gone.

He got a gun,
some cocaine in him.

He might be partying with some
white bitches right now.

Lamont.
You're a millionaire.

You have your whole life
ahead of you.

You're gonna...
You're gonna fall in love,

You're probably
gonna have a family.

What are you doing...

Running around with guns
and drugs and monkeys?

I don't do drugs.

Cocaine all over your face
right now.

I'm... I'm sorry,
miss Julie. This...

This shit is hard.

I need this team.

I ain't never had a family.

I ain't never had no dad
or none of that.

All i ever had
was these rebels.

That's it.
So if you sell this team,

It's only a matter of time
before we all are traded or cut.

Don't do that.

Don't... Don't break up
a happy family.

Yeah, come on, please.

All right, guys,
listen, listen.

I'm new at this.

But i know that if the rebels
are gonna win next year,

we need hurricane jesus.

Yeah, and he wants everyone
to come to his house

And tell him how happy
We are to have him.

Whoa, whoa, say what?
He's a fucking rookie.

fuck that guy.
- fuck you, danny!

He can come
to my goddamn house.

Hey. Hey, hey, hey!
Hey!

Uh-uh.

Everyone who was officially cut
today is officially uncut.

Ooh! Oh, shit!

Oh, shit!

Look, listen, listen. Andrew really
believed in you guys.

He did, and you were
his family.

And now that he's gone,
you're my family.

But guys,
we need a quarterback.

We need hurricane jesus,
So go with danny.

Kiss that guy's ass,
do whatever you have to do

To make that boy a rebel.

Yo, hurricane. I was at your pro
day in Miami before the draft,

And your shit is tight.

Love what you did
at the orange bowl, man.

You're good.

Let's just look at the facts
for a second.

Y'all are 0-16. 0-16.

Your o-line's a joke,
your receivers are shaky,

And you've got a place kicker
in a wheelchair

Bleeding from his kicking foot.

His monkey...

Bang me.

Shot. He shot you.

You're good.

Well, i may be good,
but y'all are low rent.

And i don't want to end up
All fucked up and injured

'cause i played for a half-ass
Shit-stained team.

Yo, uh...

You got a pretty big mouth
For a rookie, bro.

I'm just calling it
like it is. Bro.

And he cleaned up the beans
one bean at a time.

you get it?
- yeah.

Oh, here she is now.

Hello, julie.
Good seeing you again.

I have put together
some paperwork outlining...

I'm keeping the team.

You realize that
you're going against

the Wishes
of the entire league.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Mrs. Levine,
i am offering you an exit

you frankly do not deserve.

And short of winning
the championship,

You and the rebels are...
Excuse my english... Fucked.

Well, shit.

I guess we're just gonna
have to win that championship.

And we're gonna do it

in the best goddamn costumes
you've ever seen.

And if you don't
like that, phil,

You can kiss this perfect,
fucking ass of mine.

Did she just say
what i think she said?

She said you could kiss that
perfect, fucking ass of hers.

This is not over.

And all i'm hearing
is the same happy horseshit

I've been hearing from every

recruiter, coach, and chick
since seventh grade.

Hey, i don't know how
you run your team meetings,

But i don't need to hear
from the towel boy,

So why don't you go ahead
and take it outside?

You know, tyler, i actually
was towel boy for a long time.

I called it.

And i may not
Have a job tomorrow,

But for now,
the rebels own your rights.

So i'm your fucking boss.

Look, i just restructured
a dozen contracts

For real professionals.

Grown-ass men who've actually
done something in this game.

And they're all taking hits
To their wallets

For a chance
to play with you,

And you stand there
And you insult them?

I've seen your numbers, tyler.
They're inflated.

'cause you played against
Cupcakes three times a year

And impressed kiper mcshay
and all the other draft morons.

But your measurables
Aren't that great.

And sweet pee pee scored higher
than you in the wonderlic.

26, bitch.
- Good for you, sweet pee pee.

So here's a proposal.
Fuck off.

Hold out and play
in canada next year,

See what their program's
all "aboot."

Or better yet, i'll just trade
you to the mistake by the lake.

Hope you like cleveland
in december, dick.

Yo!

That's our motherfucking gm
right there! You see that?

Great speech in there, man.

But who's gonna
play quarterback?

Hmm? Think about it.

Shake that ass, rick.

You're a dancer,
not a football player.

I should take this.

You want to win
celebrity dance challenge.

Well, that costs. And right here
is where you start paying.

Yeah, i know, i know,
i have to take this.

Hello, this is rick.
- Hey, it's danny norwood,

General manager
of the Los Angeles rebels.

Okay.

I don't know what
your situation is right now,

But we need a quarterback.

What time is practice?

Training camps
are opening today,

And look who just signed
with the rebels.

Journeyman quarterback
Rick Massella.

You know, no disrespect, but good,
old number 9 has never had

What it takes to be
a winner in the pfl.

Well, he never
Had a strong arm,

But his restaurant,
they had some really good wings.

I hear that.

Really, what they need's
hurricane jesus.

Not the seven-time fiat
Quarterback challenge winner.

Well, he got a lot of cars.
- Yeah.

City of angels.

* ooh, ooh, city of angels
city of angels *

Do you know where i could
find coach paysinger?

What are you doing here?

I'm playing quarterback
for the los angeles rebels.

I'm the owner
of the los angeles rebels.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Yeah.

* i came to l. a.
To make rock and roll *

* along the way
I had to sell my soul *

* i made some good friends
that make me say *

* i really wannabe in l. a.

* i took the ten
to get to beverly *

* laid some rock
to tape roll at 11ad *

* alain and natasha
always make me say *

* i really wannabe in l. a.

Godem
www.feliratok. info