The Real L Word (2010–2012): Season 3, Episode 1 - Apples and Oranges - full transcript

[Brassy music]

♪ He said he liked the way I move ♪

♪ move, move ♪

♪ 'cause baby liked the way I move ♪

♪ move, move ♪

I cannot tell you how different
my life is since last year.

It's huge.

I'm still sober.

In a few months, it'll be a year.

I lost a lot of friends, but...

I'm in a relationship and I'm happy.



I'm pretty in love. I am.

♪ Want to step to me,
you gotta earn it, baby ♪

♪ you got to show me how you move ♪

[Phone rings]

♪ If you want to see my hotel room ♪

[Phone rings]

Hello.

Hi, baby. I'm driving home.

Me too.

Since last year, I've
been traveling a lot,

doing appearances, hosting parties,

and things have changed.

I'm not living with Alyssa anymore.

I've moved out of the nest.



- Um, all right.
- Okay.

Well, I will, um... I'll see you later.

- Okay, bye.
- Bye, babe.

I've fallen in love. It's crazy.

I can't even wrap my head around it.

Like, it was a unicorn to me.

I was like, "yeah, that sounds nice.

I hear that exists." Err...

[Clicks mouth] But I'm glad it does.

♪ You got to show me how you move ♪

It's been a really long time

since I've been in a
relationship like this,

and this time around,

it's different.

♪ All right, now, boy ♪

♪ now dance for me to get my number ♪

♪ we came to party ♪

♪ all my ladies on the dance floor ♪

♪ feeling naughty ♪

♪ I can see that you feel me ♪

♪ so if you want to play ♪

- Hello.
- Hello.

Come here, baby.

You're home.

♪ Hey, mister, watch the way
I sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-shake it ♪

♪ don't hold your glass too close ♪

♪ I'll b-b-b-b-b-b-break it

♪ 'cause when I hear the drum hit ♪

♪ and that bass groove ♪

♪ I just got to make my body move ♪

I love you.

♪ Move, move, move ♪

The last six months,

I've kind of been living this secret life.

I don't know, it's time to just stop.

♪ My ladies and I are
gonna turn out this place ♪

♪ oh oh we put on a show ♪

♪ but you'll just have to watch ♪

♪ from behind those velvet ropes ♪

♪ vip ♪

Sara and I have definitely done

the typical lesbian forward motion

and we have moved in together.

We apparently just can't
get enough of dysfunction.

No, it's really passionate.

- [Moaning]
- ♪ you've got to show me ♪

♪ how you move move move move ♪

[Love darling's hazy]

♪ It was just the other night ♪

♪ I don't want to think about it ♪

♪ I don't want to start a fight ♪

♪ I don't want to think about it ♪

♪ every time I take
a step left right ♪

♪ yeah, I think I'm gonna
sleep real good tonight ♪

♪ just think about it ♪

♪ you'll find a way to make me crazy ♪

♪ hazy ♪

♪ so hypnotized, think
of the blue skies ♪

♪ new eyes ♪

♪ and I'll never roam again ♪

♪ and I'm back in love again ♪

♪ and I see the stars again ♪

♪ find my way back home again ♪

[Rock music]

♪ ♪

♪ your uncertainty ♪

♪ is destroying me ♪

- Is that it?
- Yeah.

♪ Whoa oh whoa oh ♪

Oh, smells great in here.

♪ Whoa oh whoa oh ♪

Let's try playing-crying.

Okay.

[Playing rock music]

♪ ♪

Hunter Valentine is an
all-girl punk rock band.

And Laura and I started
the band eight years ago,

but we haven't had, like,
a huge make-or-break deal.

We gave up everything to move to New York

and try and make it,

and we've been busting our asses.

[Song stops] This is...

- It sounded good.
- It sounds...

It sounded good as a three-piece.

We're taking a bit of a break

from recording our album

to go down to South by southwest

and to do sort of a
mini run, a little tour,

to showcase the new songs

and our new lineup.

[Playing rock music]

♪ ♪

I feel like something
big needs to happen soon,

and right now, I feel
like we need to figure out

if this is the right lineup for the band.

Vero is our bass player,

and she's been in the
band for about a year,

and so far, I love having her in the band.

We recently added my friend
Somer on guitar and keyboards,

and she's an amazing musician.

I've had a lot of respect
for her for a long time.

But she has a fear of commitment
when it comes to the band,

and with any business you have
to have reliable employees,

and you can't take the
risk of having somebody

who's not gonna show up for something

that's really important.

♪ ♪

S... [Song stops]

This is pointless, because we don't

need to practice these songs.

It's actually Somer that
has to practice these songs.

Or we need to practice them...

- With Somer.
- With her.

Where the fuck is Somer?

♪ I've tried so many
times to get it right ♪

♪ but I can't get it right ♪

- What?
- Are you gonna miss me on tour?

Yes.

[Dog barking] Attack!

Let's not talk about it. Chachi, shush.

All right, well, we kinda have to.

My name's Somer.

I'm a musician, a sound engineer,

starving artist extraordinaire.

It's gonna take a while, I feel like.

- To get used to this?
- Yeah.

Donna and I dated for around four years,

and then I proposed,

and we got married, uh,

just over this past
summer, so we're newlyweds.

I need you to know the
schedule for the next few days.

Monday, I have eight hours

of practice with Hunter Valentine,

then I have work on Tuesday.

I have practice before.
I have work on Wednesday,

all day, until 7:00.

And then we leave, uh, Saturday.

That's... wow.

The hardest part of our relationship

has been balancing music and Donna.

My career's taking a good
turn by being in this band,

but I don't know about
the stress on my marriage.

Well, they're mad 'cause I
won't take off work to practice.

That's the other thing
they're gonna be mad about,

that I haven't... I probably...

I just haven't been
practicing the way I should.

You have what, three days...

I'm setting the stage for
a very interesting tour.

The tour is supposed to
be a trial period for me,

to see if I click on stage,

if I have a good time playing the music,

if we get along.

For the band, make sure that...

that I'm the person that they want,

that they can get along with me.

Um, also in terms of
my marriage with Donna,

and to see if our relationship

can take me being away for
weeks, months at a time.

Babe?

- Yeah.
- You're really late.

You gotta go. I know! I know!

- Here's the keys.
- Okay.

- Have a good day at work.
- I love you.

- I'll see you later.
- I love you. Bye.

How much time do we have
left for this rehearsal?

We don't have much time.

We told her that we needed
to practice three days.

She can only come 11/2 days,

and now she's late an hour
and a half the first rehearsal.

Somer's version of "On Time"

is usually an hour to
an hour and a half late.

Anybody that's in this band
needs to take full ownership

over their decision to be in this band.

- Oh. [Laughs]
- Oh, you made it!

What's up? Yes.

Don't worry, I got all
the equipment myself.

- You're, like, an hour late.
- I'm not!

Okay, songs that you've worked on.

Yeah, I got all the old
stuff. I'm fine with that.

It's the new stuff I'm worried about,

because I don't feel comfortable

with all the new changes.

[Loud feedback]

What's wrong?

Is there anything in here that works?

I work!

[Playful drumming]

[Screaming] Can we just play music?

Please?

Go for it.

Okay, remember the intro, everybody?

- Yup.
- No, wait.

One, two, three, four.

[Playing rock music]

♪ Stick around, stay the night ♪

[Song stops]

Everybody's out there, and
that was good that everyone

remembered that it's a fucking "C" chord

that it comes back in on.

[Playing rock music]

♪ ♪

[Song stops]

Okay, does everybody
understand what's going on?

Yup.

No, but I'm having fun.

You're not supposed to be doing that.

I'm sorry. [Laughs]

All right, I'll try to have less fun.

Check, check.

So, one more time.

[Playing rock music]

Kiyomi is very driven and very
passionate about what she does.

She's going balls to
the wall with this stuff.

Kiyomi and I have been
friends for a while,

and being in a band with her,

I see a whole different
side of her personality,

and I think it's probably
been the hardest thing,

um, on our friendship
is trying to figure out

how we negotiate our personalities.

♪ As we broke down ♪

Stop. This is where I'm talking about.

[Song stops]

That's where I'm talking about.

I think we need to do this song,

- like, ten times.
- Yeah.

It's, like, a fucking disaster.

Hey, isn't this fun, to learn the songs

right before we go? [Laughs] No?

What? It's so fun.

[Feedback]

I need a Xanax.

We are two days away from tour.

I don't feel ready at all,

and I don't feel like we're there yet.

We haven't had enough time.

[Playing rock music]

♪ ♪

[Song stops]

What?

There's just too much to do.

♪ Where the sunshine's hot ♪

♪ and life's over the top ♪

♪ in Hollywood, Hollywood ♪

♪ in Hollywood, Hollywood ♪

♪ anytime we want fun ♪

♪ it's a town that's ready to play ♪

- ♪ night or day ♪
- Oh, my God.

[Laughs]

- We're back in our room.
- [Whispers] Lord almighty.

I love you so much. I love you too.

- Hi.
- Hello.

- How are you?
- Well, we are awesome

now that you're here and you're gonna...

- Today's the day.
- It's the day! Yay!

Lights are off.

Okay, let's take a look.

- Look who's there.
- Yeah, I can see fine.

[Sniffles]

- [Squeals]
- There's the baby right there.

Both: Aww.

- Oh, my God, I'm gonna lose it in a second.
- I know.

After a few rounds of
unsuccessful inseminations,

everything that we've been doing
this past year has finally worked.

Little mamacita.

- Yeah, I mean...
- That's the best part.

- We're gonna have a baby.
- Do you see this?

Do you see the happiness here?

That's the best part.

Oh. [Giggles]

It's the hormones. [Laughs]

That's the head and face there,

and that's the body,

and there's the heartbeat.

The day that we found
out Cori got pregnant,

I was asleep, and this very excited person

hopped on top of me with a
thing that they just peed on...

and waving it in my face, going,

"we're pregnant! We're
pregnant! Oh, my God!"

No, it wasn't like that.

I remember being completely
in shock and in disbelief.

I'm still kind of in disbelief.

I know, and you're four months pregnant.

I know.

What do you guys think?

- I think it's a girl.
- I think you're right.

[Laughs] Oh, my God.

- Is that what you guys wanted?
- Yeah.

Well, we have a girl name.

And girl clothes are super cute.

She looks good. She looks good.

Oh, my God.

Our little family is starting.

It's right there.

Oh, jeez.

- Thank you very much.
- Thank you.

You're welcome.

[Door shuts]

- Oh, my God.
- We have a daughter.

[Laughs]

♪ In my ears, still
your voice ennoble ♪

I never cry. Oh, my God.

♪ When all is said and done ♪

♪ it's time to start ♪

Oh, my God.

♪ Showing up ♪

♪ plus one ♪

[Humming]

- Would you like a bite?
- What is that?

Something delicious.

[Laughs]

Thanks.

Sara and I have come a long way.

I did not trust Sara before.

There was lots of reasons
for me not to at times.

- Are you still seeing her?
- No.

You lied! You are such a fucking liar!

Are you serious right now, Sara?

She was like, "fuck
Sara and her fake tits",

and I can't stand that bitch,"
and then she sleeps with her.

What am I mad about, Sara? Really?

But, you know what, I love her.

Fact. So now we're faithful,

we're in love, and it was a leap

of faith for me, and I don't regret it.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

- To being home.
- To being home.

Being with Whitney is so much better

now that we're putting
our efforts into making

our relationship work.

It's something I want to put my time into,

because before, I was
very closed off and afraid.

And I'm still afraid, obviously.

It's not an easy thing to love
someone with your whole heart.

All right, baby, thank you for dinner.

You're welcome.

I don't want to disrupt
your sriracha application.

Cheers.

Since Sara and I got really solid,

Romi and I are not friends right now.

Romi and I were really close.

Like, I truly, genuinely cared for her,

but I knew she hated that Whitney wanted

to be with me, that she
didn't want to be with her.

Like, she couldn't handle that.

And I don't trust her, obviously.

I hate to think that you even
ever had another girlfriend.

You never did.

I was the only one.

- I am the only one.
- It's true.

I was a virgin before you.

I think we've come so far because
we've allowed ourselves to fall in love.

Come lay in bed with me.

Come on. Come on.

The two of us were like, "you know what?

We could be together if we
would just let our walls down,"

- and that's what we did.
- Yeah.

I'm taking one of these.

Hey.

[Pop music]

[Scatting]

♪ ♪

Oh, my God. I want to
take a picture with you.

I am a jewelry designer.

I have my own company.

And I just moved back
to Southern California

from New York City ten months ago.

This is Lauren, by the way.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Nice to meet you.
- Lauren!

- Hi.
- So nice to meet you.

My high-end jewelry
starts from about $500

and can go up anywhere to $30,000,

$50,000, whatever the customer wants.

Hope it fits.

Yes.

- Does it fit perfect?
- Yeah, no, I love it.

- Okay.
- And it's so different.

People are gonna compliment you so much.

- Hi.
- Hey. What's up?

- Good to see you.
- Good to see you too.

- Congratulations on this.
- Both: Hi.

- Thank you. Lauren.
- Nice to meet you.

I actually met Lauren a couple months back

when she was dating
Kelsey, who is Romi's ex.

I'm not sure if you'd call it dating.

I think that they were
having brief rendezvous.

She definitely seems like a wild one.

- I'll walk in with you guys.
- All right.

I hardly know Romi at all,

and yet there's some crazy rivalry.

I don't understand it.

Maybe she's uncomfortable

because Kelsey and I sort of
liked each other for a minute.

L.A. can be so petty,

so juvenile, so high school.

And that's why I'm so excited

for my friend Amanda from
New York to move out here.

We're gonna be friends living together,

and of course we're
gonna end up hooking up.

We're friends with benefits.

♪ When you've been cheated ♪

- Yeah, okay.
- All right.

♪ You've got to take control ♪

♪ you don't leave it ♪

Where's my rap? Where's my rap?

♪ We don't give a fuck,
everybody's got some luck ♪

♪ it's Amanda in the house ♪

♪ she's randing all around ♪

♪ she got that run, run, baby ♪

♪ like a stun, stun gun ♪

♪ she got the sick apartment ♪

♪ on the one-ton gun ♪

♪ got that, oh, the view
of the whole cit-ay ♪

♪ shit is getting shitt-ay ♪

♪ bit she's sucking titt-ays ♪

♪ everybody's a-daze ♪

♪ holidays in L.A. ♪

♪ but she blazin' okay ♪

♪ 'cause she's got
that Rick-a-Rick-ring ♪

- That's the end.
- Yeah.

These are the things that are gonna
make me miss New York the most.

I'm definitely a New Yorker at heart.

So I'm terrified and excited all
at the same time to move to L.A.

With my best friend in the whole world.

Basically, Lauren has a house

that she had two roommates
in and then was just like,

"my best friend is moving out here.

Like, I love you guys, but, like, get out

because Amanda will be here in two weeks."

Lauren and I have always talked

about living together and just, like,

growing our lives together,

and it was just really
important, I think, for us

to just do it while we're
young, and, you know,

we can afford it, and we can
just explore and do what we want.

I am so excited, just for, like,

a new, like, chapter.

But I'm terrified.

Lauren and I, have, "A",
never been single together.

We've never been single in the same
city, and we've never experienced...

- And then going to, like...
- Yeah, and then going

to a new city and a city
that she's only known

for, like, a year. We lived in New York

for years together, and, you know,

we were both dating significant others.

And now all the sudden
I'm moving 3,000 miles away

from everybody that I know and love.

There's always been a sexual tension

between Lauren and I since,
like, the minute we met,

which is why it makes everybody

that loves us and dates
us so uncomfortable.

So I'm sure that, you know,
it's not gonna go away.

It's just a matter of how we deal with it.

All right. I need another drink.

Yeah, it's getting a little crowded.

Let's go to the bar.

♪ This is the time ♪

♪ this is the time ♪

♪ this is the time ♪

[Doorbell rings]

Hi.

I got a lot of stuff.

Oh, my God.

I got your blanket.

- It smells like dog.
- How you doing?

It smells like dog?

- The dogs...
- Hello, sexy.

Ali and I have been dating for a while.

And, you know, like, I don't
want to be in a relationship.

I've never wanted to be in a relationship.

The first time we hooked up,

it was supposed to be a one-night stand.

Is that a musical?

Uhhuh.

- You're such a dork.
- I know.

I need a drink.

Well, you're in luck.

I just came back from Toronto,

where we were recording our album,

and I have, like, a few days
before we start this tour,

so I've decided to stay at Ali's,

and I have no idea how it's gonna go,

'cause I haven't seen
her in, like, three weeks.

We're not in a committed relationship.

We're supposed to just be casual,

but we talk to each other every day.

And I just... I don't
know where this is going.

I can't believe you're here.

Me neither. [Laughter]

How are we gonna live together?

Kissing you, it's just so different

from all the other girls
that I've been kissing.

Fuck you. I knew you were gonna say that.

[Laughs]

Kiyomi and I met through a
mutual friend at a bar one night.

And there was an instant attraction.

We were flirting kind of all night,

and then... I don't know why
we love bathrooms so much,

but we ended up making
out in the bathroom,

and then I woke up with her in my bed.

Our relationship is classified
by her as non-monogamous.

I'd rather have that
than not have her at all.

[Rock music]

♪ You just think I'm crazy ♪

♪ that's not gonna change me ♪

♪ I've got news for you ♪

[Doorbell rings]

Hello.

♪ If you're so unhappy ♪

♪ tell me so I won't be ♪

- Hey.
- Hi.

Hi.

It's freezing. Hi.

Oh, my God, look at your hair.

Everyone's hair is different.

So Rachel and Jaq live with Alyssa.

The house of Whitney's exes.

Right now, none of my friends
know that I'm with Jay.

I haven't wanted to just put it out there

until I knew it was something.

Have you seen Whitney lately?

I haven't seen much of her,

just because she's been
traveling and doing her thing.

I thought you and Sara,
though, were, like, fine now.

Like, you guys are fine, right?

You and Whit? I'm cool with everybody,

because I want to be
cool with Whit, you know.

- Yeah.
- Like, I don't want to make waves. It's irritating.

You know, I'm just
like, look, let's just be

the bigger... person.

I don't know what to say

about Whitney and Sara,
except Sara is, like,

scabies, you know.

You can never really get rid of her.

You need a cream or something.

Like, my whole friendship
with Whit is, like...

is gone.

It's not... we don't have a friendship,

and that breaks my heart.

I hope you guys can squash it, though,

and, like, find a way
to be able to be friends.

It's Sara.

Sara has corrupted her mind

that I'm some sort of evil human being.

I'm still not comprehending

why Sara thinks I'm so bad.

Romi and Sara used to be great friends.

Romi had feelings for Whitney,

and Sara has feelings for Whitney,

and Sara feels uncomfortable

with Romi and Whitney having
any kind of friendship,

just the not knowing if
something could still be there

or if something might happen.

So what else has been
going on in your life?

I'm dating someone.

- Wait, what?
- Who are you dating?

I've been dating somebody for
over, like, six, seven months.

- Who are you dating?
- Wait.

You're dating your ex, though. Mm-hmm.

- You're dating her again?
- Uh-uh.

Who are you dating?

I've been dating my ex-boyfriend Jay.

I've been keeping it a secret for months,

and I'm going to stop hiding it.

- I'm judging you right now.
- Yeah.

I'm just kidding. A lot of times

in the lesbian community,

you could be excommunicated real fast

if you decide to switch-hit
every now and again.

But I'm not that guy.

As long as someone's
happy and they're making

decisions that are
gonna enrich their lives,

then I'm happy for them.

I just want to, like, nicely

let him be a part of my life.

Right.

- A huge secret.
- It's a lot.

Am I not allowed to
talk about my sex life?

'Cause I used to talk
about it all the time.

- I'm cool with it.
- Work it out.

I've never been very shy about it.

These days, I give a good blow job.

- Ew!
- I'm sure he's focused on...

- That was just too much.
- Too much? Okay.

- [Rolls tongue]
- That is not good.

I'm sure we've all sucked
on a strap-on before.

- We know how it goes.
- Yeah, we all know how it is.

- No.
- You've never done that?

Both: No.
- Never.

Well, I got tired of
that strap-on not working.

[Laughter] I'm sorry.

Yeah.

♪ I came here for myself ♪

♪ ♪

Seriously, I want to know.

What's your guess?

Are you about to catch a football?

- [Laughs]
- Wait. Time-out.

This is me and Cori when we were little.

Aww.

It's gonna be a little one of those.

[Screams] You're having a girl!

Oh, my God. Like, I know that a lot

of people are like, "eh,
gay parenting, whatever,"

but there's so many people
who are so excited about this.

It's just everything is right.

So, in this belly,

is Charlie Monroe Boccumini.

Really? I love it.

Come on, Charlie. It's time to go to bed.

- "Okay, mommy."
- Yeah. Okay.

Ha. Oh, my gosh.

It's happened again. Remember?

- This one's ready to go to bed right now.
- Yeah.

- Sneaky.
- You guys go snuggle.

The worst part of being pregnant

has definitely been the morning sickness,

the tiredness,

the crazy, psycho mood swings.

I have bite marks, literally, on my face

from being... having it being bit off.

It's... it's a lot.

Look, see?

Six months ago, that would
have rolled right off her back.

It might have even gotten a laugh.

Now it gets a look.

But you take really good care

- of me pregnant.
- I do.

- The lotion on the belly?
- Aww, you love that.

Oh, Kacy's favorite part of the day.

- It's true.
- She rubs me down.

But I think all that's behind us now.

Second trimester is smooth sailing.

I think so.

My sister Stephanie gave me

a present for you guys.

- You ready?
- Both: Yes.

Close your eyes, both of you.

- Are you fucking kidding me?
- Really?

Yeah.

Okay.

I got it.

Mommy, mama, and me.

Oh, my gosh.

It's our first book.

- And it's a lesbian book.
- And it's a lesbian mommy book.

"Up, up, up. Mommy picks me up.

Mama pours juice in my cup."

Ohh.

"Now I'm tucked in nice and tight.

Mommy and mama kiss me good night."

- Yay!
- Like, we are gonna read this to Charlie.

Like, it's just... I don't know.

Today is the day of sinking in.

This is frickin' awesome.

Wait, look. This is us.

She's... [Laughs]

- Fine.
- She's wearing the earring.

[Rock music]

♪ ♪

[Cell phone chimes]

Hello.

- Hello.
- What's going on?

So, Romi was just here.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, we caught up

for a little bit.

She was telling me what was going on

in her, you know, life.

And she... seemed like
she had something to say

but was really hesitant about, you know,

what she wanted to say,

and finally she just blurted it out.

Her news was that she
is dating a guy again.

I mean, duh.

You knew?

I mean, no, but I know that...

I have had a feeling she's been
hooking up with dudes the entire time.

She's not exclusive to the ladies.

I've known that for sure.

She's, I guess, got back together

with Jay. I mean, when I met Romi,

she was... she was
with him when I met her.

She was afraid to say anything
because she didn't want

all of us to sort of cast her out.

Why would anyone cast
her out for that reason?

There's so many more to choose from.

Romi and I, we don't have a relationship.

Her personality has shifted

into someone that I'm not a fan of.

Ego has gotten the
best of her personality.

I try to keep my distance.

I love Romi, but she tends

to bounce from person
to person really fast

with not a lot of time in between,

and, you know, we were wondering

if this was just another Romi fling.

Romi Flinger. [Chuckles]

[Giggles]

I always kind of knew
that she wanted to tell us,

and, you know...

We'll have you over next week for dinner.

Sounds good.

Love you. Bye.

Bye.

Well, basically, Romi came over tonight

to Alyssa's... and told her

that she has been nervous to say this

and not many people know this

because she's nervous
about people's reactions,

but she's started dating Jay again.

I am not surprised.

I know. That's what I said.

Romi will do anything
that gives her attention.

That's what Romi does.

Whether or not Romi wants to be with women

or she wants to be with men,

whatever keeps people talking about her,

looking at her, that's
what she's gonna do.

I mean, what is there to say?

Nothing.

[Divided Devotions by The Melismatics]

♪ But you've got divided devotions ♪

♪ caught in the cross-fade of emotions ♪

♪ divided devotions ♪

♪ ooh-ooh ♪

Hey! Let's make a toast to tomorrow,

the very first show that we're
ever gonna get to play together.

Hey. Cheers to the first show.

- Tomorrow.
- Yeah! Get ready.

- To the first show tomorrow.
- Are you excited?

We're rock solid now.

What about you?

[Laughs] Are you jealous

of our rehearsal time?

- I'm a little jealous...
- Maybe you should come.

Maybe you should come next time.

Maybe I will.

My relationship with kiyomi

has been the most tumultuous

out of all the people in the band.

We butt heads for a
couple different reasons.

I'm used to being the leader of a band.

My other band's clinical trials.

It's just me and a drummer.

And I'm not the leader of this band.

I'm not really even
sure where I fit in yet.

Are you gonna throw some glasses tonight?

I was thinking about it.

I don't want to throw a nice glass.

I'd rather throw a bottle.

We're both a bit bratty,
and we're both alphas.

So... and she also is
a bit of a control freak.

Wait, why am I in your band again?

You're gonna do good.

Are you worried about it? Seriously?

Worried about what?

Are you worried about
doing this tour, really?

I'm serious.

No, I'm... listen.

There's a lot of things.

What are you worried about? What things...

No, I'm not worried about us musically.

Okay, so I don't care about...

I don't really give a shit about
your emotional problems right now.

I'm just saying, like, there's a lot

of factors that we're dealing with, okay?

We're dealing with a new band,
we're dealing with new songs,

we're dealing with, like,
me giving up something else

that I've been working on for a long time,

and we're giving up, like... you know,

Donna and I are a new... we're
like a newly-married couple.

I know. We'll figure it out together.

And if we can't figure it out together,

then I understand that
you have to move on and...

you know, do your own thing.

So Somer's voicing some of her concerns,

and I'm like, "you committed to this tour

a month ago, and we're leaving

in a matter of days,

so get your shit together,

pack your bag, and let's go."

Let's just try

for these ten days to, like, make the best

of what we can and make people

believe that this is
the best that we can do.

- You know what I mean?
- All right.

And if you like it, and you
come back and you like it,

and if we come back and
we don't hate your guts...

What are the chances of that?

- Like, 2%?
- Then let's do this.

Let's go.

I can't leave until you fucking leave,

- so let's fucking go.
- All right, go, go, go.

Get a cab by yourself, cheapo.

All right, I'm out of here.

- Look what I did.
- I know, baby.

What's going on?

Don't be like that.

Don't be like that.

If you want to have sex with other people,

you can have sex with other people.

Gross.

I mean, you can do
whatever you want to do.

I know I can. So can you.

Yeah, it doesn't mean that
it's not gonna make me sick

if you're talking about it.

Yeah, but you can too,

- and that's your rule.
- Yeah.

- It is my rule.
- I'd like to say

that Kiyomi's middle name
should have been "drama."

I always think it's funny when she says,

"oh, my God, that girl
is so dramatic for me."

I'm kind of like, "I
think it might be you.

Just a little bit, you know?"

I started this conversation by saying

that I wanted to have sex with you.

I want to have sex with you too.

All right, but you turned it
into something else that you...

Let's go home and have sex then.

What's gonna happen
is what's gonna happen,

and I don't know what
to fucking say about it.

I want to have sex with you now,

- and that's all I care about.
- Okay. Let's go.

Let's leave in ten minutes.

- Okay, bye.
- Okay, bye.

[Pop music]

♪ ♪

♪ my intentions for
the night was simple ♪

♪ hit up all the spots ♪

♪ yup, me and my crew, snatch me up ♪

♪ a little girly, nah,
go on, make it two ♪

♪ now I'm froze on the
wall staring at you ♪

- ♪ yup ♪
- ♪ this goes out ♪

♪ to all the bad girls in the world ♪

♪ she the baddest ever ♪

♪ done and I'ma make her my girl ♪

♪ she the baddest ever ♪

♪ done and I'ma make her my girl ♪

♪ this goes out to all the bad girls ♪

♪ in the world ♪

♪ ♪

Oh, my God.

That little...

I found out that Romi's back with Jay.

I'm more hurt at this point,

because it takes away

from anything that she said to me

about wanting to marry me

or wanting a life with me,

and just so easily to be with a man.

It just kind of repulses me.

♪ These are the things
that have led me to here ♪

♪ stand up, fight perfection ♪

♪ what is all the obsession ♪

♪ take off the mask of regret ♪

♪ and look just like you ♪

♪ I would like to take the time ♪

♪ to remind you ♪

♪ some say I'm a mess ♪

♪ but the message is clear ♪

♪ these are the things ♪

♪ that have led me to here ♪

What made you guys want
to move in together?

I have felt like, in other
relationships, I always had

the upper hand, and in this
one, it was like a tug of war,

you know, like, who's the strongest,

- who's the strongest.
- Yeah.

And so I knew that there would have

to be, like, someone letting
go of their, like, you know,

the power in that, and
that's scary, you know.

Who wants to be vulnerable like that?

Yeah, you guys have just
been through so much.

It was just like finally
like, "all right, dude",

here's the towel."

I threw in the towel. I'm like, "okay."

And now I'm, like, stuck in the vagina.

Now I'm like, "I see nothing else

except for Whitney's vagina."

You guys never see anything
but each other's vagina.

[Laughter]

So you guys have moved
in, everything's good.

- Uh-huh.
- What is next?

Babies?

- Whitney's gonna be 30.
- Mm-hmm.

My career isn't exactly
where I want it to be.

When it gets there, then, yes, but...

- you know.
- Marriage before babies?

Hmm. Well...

Come on. I want to be a bridesmaid.

[Laughter]

I'd love to.

She's just, like, more hesitant, you know.

I think it stems from her parents divorced

when she was young, and I think

she went through a lot
at that time, you know.

You know, I just think that, for her,

it's not something that she's, like,
looked forward to in her life ever.

I'm definitely ready to take

a step further with Whitney

and, you know, would love to marry her.

I just think that for Whitney

it is something that could
make her a little uncomfortable,

because I just don't think

that her past experience with marriage

has been correlated to
a positive experience.

It's good that you guys are, like,

really getting time to just be, like, one.

You know?

It's really good.

♪ I will give you all you need ♪

♪ just trust in me ♪

♪ I want you, baby ♪

[Dogs barking and yipping]

Hey. Hey, baby.

Hi, baby.

Oh, my God, I missed you.

Oh, my God, I love you.

Oh, my baby.

Hello. Hello.

Um, let's talk about how much you miss me.

When are you moving back in again?

You're gonna have to build
me an extension for the back.

An extension for all of Sara's shoes?

- No, seriously.
- Or clothes?

Or g-strings?

Those take up a very small amount of room.

And you would live with Sara?

We all make concessions
for our best friends.

When Whitney first moved in with Sara,

it was almost to me like she
was trying to prove something,

like, "I can do this. I can, you know",

"have a real relationship with somebody.

Even if it's somebody that you don't like

and you don't approve of."

And I was sort of waiting to see

how long it would last, honestly.

We're really, like, an adult relationship.

What does that even mean?
An adult relationship?

No, like, it's probably the first time...

- Who are you?
- I'm saying. I don't know.

What did you do with the real Whitney?

No, it's called growing up, I think,

and it's kind of, like, been nice.

And it's good. Like, we've definitely made

tremendous leaps and bounds.

Well, I imagine you had to...

to make it work.

Whatever. It's good.

No, if you're happy, I'm happy for you.

Being that I've taken leaps and bounds...

Mm-hmm.

So I am gonna propose to Sara.

Ohh. Okay.

You're my best friend.

So I support whatever
decision that you're making,

even if I think it's insane.

Do you think it's insane?

You've only been together,

- like, in a solid relationship for a year.
- Yeah.

It's a huge decision to make,

and your relationship has
been incredibly tumultuous.

- Yeah, but...
- But that being said,

if this is what you truly
feel is the right decision,

then I stand by you.

Gay marriage is not legal in California.

Will it prevent me from
getting married regardless?

No.

Marriage means a commitment to me.

Like, I want to have kids,

and, you know, I know
that it's really important

to Sara to get married
before that happens.

And she's the person that I
want to raise a family with.

It's just a huge decision to make,

and I wouldn't rush into anything.

[Rock music]

♪ Get back, get back ♪

♪ any second now you'll blow it up ♪

♪ get back, get back ♪

♪ you'll regret it ♪

- Hi, tender.
- Don't knock.

- Make yourself at home.
- Hi, tender.

Hi. How are you?

- Are you ready?
- Are you ready?

Yeah, do I look like a monkey?

Look at me. Look at my face.

Yes, you look like a monkey.

Are you gonna be a good banana?

Except for this right here. What's that?

How are you?

Good. You can't kiss my face.

I know.

Tonight, Jay and I are
going to a costume party

for the gay and lesbian center.

This is the first time that he's
coming out in public with me.

It's nerve-racking.

Are you ready to walk
the red carpet with me?

I mean, do I have any choice?

- No.
- So, yeah.

In the gay community,
lesbians can be really harsh

towards, like, women
who sleep with men again.

It's like, "what is she doing?"

"Like, is she a real lesbian?

Is she not a... " What's a real lesbian?

Okay, so all the years
that I was eating pussy

and, like, being with my girlfriends

and madly in love and wanting

to get married to them,
I wasn't a lesbian?

Okay.

I wonder if there's gonna
be any Romis there tonight.

Someone tweeted me that they

had pink highlights and lollipops.

[Thud] So many Romis.

What am I gonna do with myself?

Control yourself.

I met Jay a little over three years ago.

He saw me walking, thought I looked

like his girlfriend at the time,

said, "you look just like her."

I have to take a
picture." We do look alike.

And he'd always say,
"you're the nicer version.

"Like, Carla's a little
bit more cold and bitchy,

and you're the tender version,"

which is why I got the name tender-Romi.

I got shit all over my face.

Who's the man that did that to you?

I don't know.

I thought I was the only person

that could shit on your face.

[Laughter] I hate you.

Jay is hysterical.

He cracks me up.

I can't.

[Laughs] I am pissed.

I don't know. He's a boy.

He's simple.

There's just so much between two women,

and sometimes it's nice to have

someone just fun and simple

to enjoy your life with.

Babe, you can see my tits in this outfit.

We're gonna look ridiculous.

[Chuckles]

If you know Romi, she's kind of schizo.

So she runs around, and
the fact that she's been

with women doesn't bother me.

It's like, should it bother her

that I've been with other women?

You know, like, it's the same thing.

It just so happens she dated women.

Yay for me.

So what are you gonna say, you know?

I'm a guy,

and that's how we think.

Oh, my God, Jay.

I like your matching shoes.

I know, right?

Why do you look so ridiculous,

and why do I want to fuck you?

'Cause you always do.

[Laughter]

I got a problem. We got to work on it.

You have a sex problem.
That's why I like you.

I told you that from the day I met you.

We're going to the ob/gyn.

No, we're not going to the ob/gyn.

We're going to the LGBT.

[Laughs] I can't!

Let's go, you little monkey.

Ob/gyn party!

♪ I see love ♪

♪ everywhere I go ♪

♪ ♪

♪ lots of love ♪

Hey, hey, yeah. Check, one, two.

One, two.

Tonight is the first show of the tour.

We're playing our hometown show

in New York at the bowery electric.

Can I get a little bit of Kiyomi's guitar

in my monitor, please?

Ahh, the fucking
adrenaline when you're about

to play a show, especially in New York,

it's ridiculous.

Check, check, check, check.

One, two. One, two. Hey, yeah, one, two.

[Deep, digital] If my wife can hear me,

can she get me a scotch?

[Laughter] Thanks.

The thing that makes me feel the sexiest

is being on stage.

I mean, being on stage
fulfills so many things.

[Playing sustained chord on keyboard]

[Crowd cheering] That sounds nice.

- You guys ready?
- What's going on, New York?

You guys ready?

All: Yeah!

This song goes out to all the
stubborn bitches out there.

That's rude. That's rude. That's rude.

'Cause she's talking to me too.

[Laughs] You're the one
that wrote this song.

Cheers. Here's to you, New York.

Thank you for coming.

[Rock music]

♪ ♪

The song that I wrote about Ali and I

is called this bull rides tonight.

And basically it's about two people

who are so stubborn that
they can't figure out

a way to be together or get along.

♪ ♪

♪ dot your is, cross your ts ♪

♪ and send your letter off to me ♪

♪ 'cause it's getting colder ♪

♪ and we're getting older ♪

♪ if you keep trying to leave ♪

♪ so build up that guard against me ♪

♪ you're tougher than
nails and won't see ♪

♪ that I've been a good kid ♪

♪ patient and honest ♪

♪ and I'm just trying to breathe ♪

♪ I can't take the way
you take away from me ♪

♪ ♪

♪ it's three steps forward ♪

♪ ten steps back to me ♪

♪ this bull rides tonight ♪

♪ it comes around weighing the pros ♪

♪ you're debating the
things that you know ♪

♪ I wasn't your best friend ♪

♪ but don't you regret this ♪

♪ don't leave me high when I go ♪

We can both be equally as stubborn,

and that's the way that it always is.

Like, when I'm giving so much,

she's not, and vice versa.

And it's fucking exhausting sometimes.

♪ You should just run ♪

♪ we're holding our
ground till we're done ♪

♪ some dark, sick obsession ♪

♪ it last killed our lessons ♪

♪ why can't I just give up? ♪

♪ ♪

♪ why can't I just give up? ♪

We're both tauruses.

We're both, like, stubborn assholes.

But it works. Seeing her on stage

makes me want to fucking
rip her clothes off.

Like, hardcore.

♪ He'll never own me ♪

♪ I stay the same me ♪

♪ this bull rides tonight ♪

[Cheering]

[Techno music]

♪ ♪

I'm not naked.

I have a leotard on.

There's this little thing
called nipple showing.

- It's fine.
- Eh.

It is. They're gonna like it.

What if I was going around
with my wiener hanging out?

Would you like that? No. I'm nervous.

You're not a giant banana.

No, but I have a giant banana with me.

Therefore... I get it now.

I'm nervous.

I never came out. I mean,
I was raised by two moms,

so it was, like, the gayest home.

So when I was like, "hey, I'm gay,"

they were like, "okay, yawn."

I like a guy, and now I get

what it's like for people
to feel kind of, like,

nervous to tell people,

because all my friends are lesbians,

all my work are lesbians,

I'm on the L word.

Come here.

I feel like I'm coming out.

I'm just praying that people get it

and that they're supportive.

And if they don't get it,

just that they're kind with their words.

- I do eat the banana.
- You're gonna have to explain this

to our kids some day, just so you know.

- Yes, honey.
- "This one time, mommy was a lesbian."

No monkey business.

They're nice, right?

♪ We're bringing love to the party ♪

Somer?

Where's my wife?

I don't know, but these

are some really good supporters

of Hunter Valentine.
They want to meet you.

- This is Somer.
- Hey, how's it going?

You did such a good job.
This is your pay for tonight.

- Your little fender.
- Sorry, I don't drink.

She gave us a...

like, a keyboard piano.

Like oh, cool.

You know, like, been to
every show and really... nice.

Oh, that's fantastic.

Oh, you found your wife.

My wife! I've been looking
for you for so long.

All right.

Hey, babe, what's up?

I'm definitely put on
the back-burner sometimes.

And that's really hard.

And I get emotional,

and I get needy and sad.

And when I'm drunk,

I, you know, really
want to push her buttons.

You couldn't even, like,
acknowledge my presence.

When I came out and I saw you

and you were over... and
you didn't even say hi.

- And I was talking...
- You didn't even say hi.

I was talking to my friends, Ali.

I was talking to my friends...

And I respect that.

But you couldn't even say...

you couldn't even, like,
acknowledge my presence.

I did acknowledge your presence.

No, you didn't. You didn't
even say hello to me.

I can't even do it. I don't even know

where my hellos are going, like...

my own mother knows that.

I think that's a sad excuse.

It's not an excuse.

Ooh, it's so cold.

So you want to go back
inside with me then?

I think that Ali is 100% acting out

because I'm leaving on tour tomorrow.

She... every time that I go away,

she gets this kind of attitude,

and it always ends up in a fight.

And then we can go home
and have sex, please?

Every time that we get in a fight,

I try and look at,
like... I try and be like,

"am I being a complete asshole?"

Yes. You just, like, snubbed me.

You were, like, hurtful.

I didn't fucking snub you, Ali.

- Yeah, you did.
- No, I didn't.

- Grow up.
- No, I didn't.

Grow up?

I did not snub you.

You didn't even... ugh.

My relationship with Ali
is becoming quite toxic.

It's gotten into a cycle where we fight,

and then we make up, and
then we have make-up sex,

and then we fight, and then we make up,

and have make-up sex.

So I'm starting to think

that she just likes to fight

because of the making up.

- [Laughs]
- [Shouts]

Baby.

I loved it.

I thought you were so awesome.

[Pop music]

♪ In the clouds where you lay ♪

- Shut up.
- [Giggles]

- Yeah.
- ♪ is where they fly away ♪

Good. Get to it.

♪ Who are you to blame ♪

- You look good.
- Ahh, sexy.

♪ ♪

I'm looking for an engagement ring.

These are all platinum,

except for one that's yellow.

They're all from the '20s, '30s.

Some are earlier.

They all have a history.

They've been around.

So just take a look.

You know, a lot of people in my life

have had reservations or concerns

about me being with Sara.

And people can be cruel.

Honestly, people can be really harsh.

But I can't care what people think.

I have to go with my
heart and what I feel.

And Sara's what I feel, for sure.

My girlfriend, she thinks that, like,

basically, I'm, like, terrified
of the thought of marriage.

Which I'm not saying I'm not.

No, I'm not. But I feel, like, comfortable

and confident now that she's
the person I want to be with.

- Beautiful.
- And so she's gonna be

totally blindsided by this, so...

- Yay.
- I might stand behind her

when it happens. Yeah. To catch.

- Just in case, right?
- 'Cause you never know.

- Yes.
- Anything that's hitting you at all?
- I mean...

It is definitely bigger, though.

I know, but it's like...
I just like the fact

that it's called chocolate.

I just have such a hard
time making decisions

- when it comes to this.
- You do?

Shut up.

It's hot in here.

In the past, I haven't
been the commitment type.

But I will never look back

and, you know, think,

"I wish I hooked up more,"

or "I wish that I played the field,"

or, you know, "I committed too early,"

or anything like that,
because I did it all,

and then I found the person that I love

and I'm supposed to be with,

and we went through hard times already,

and I don't see this as settling down.

I see this as beginning a new, exciting,

equally-as-fun chapter.

All right. So what do you think, Whitney?

So, I think...

I'm gonna go with this one.

Oh, my.

Congratulations. Thank you.

Yay.

Congrats. Yay.

- Thanks.
- She's gonna love it.

Yes.