The Real Housewives of New Jersey (2009–…): Season 9, Episode 2 - Easter Wives Hunt - full transcript

[all laughing]

- jen's two glasses deep.
- I like when I drink, too.

- ♪ how you like
the new look ♪

[all cheering]

- I'm like the badass jewish
chick from jersey.

- Hello, cabo!

- Tell me how hot that
is before I put it--

- [coughs]

- we're coming to turkey.

- [cheering]

- oh!



My camel toe is getting
a camel ride.

- Sometimes my children
are a birth control.

- You're so cute.
- Mm-hmm.

I really am.
- [laughs]

- the tinier,
the better your ass looks.

- I can't relate to people
who have affairs

with married people.

- That's why your husband
sleeps in his girlfriend's bed.

- You better shut
the (bleep) up with that.

- You can't control a man.
- That's your husband.

- Do you control your husband?
- Yeah.

- Do you feel like your
husband would be in jail

if you could control
what he did?

- She didn't mean anything.



- Now you're sticking
up for her.

You think she's ----ing god.

[all shouting]

- I really don't know if
you're ever really gonna, like,

love me like your real sister.

- To learn more about
"the real housewives,"

- Previously on "the real
housewives of new jersey"...

- It's brenda!

[cheering]

- now it's a party!

- I want you guys
to meet jackie.

- I get to, like, fun drunk,
fun drunk, fun drunk,

and then it's like, bad drunk,
bad drunk, bad drunk.

- I was just getting the update
on jennifer,

how she met her husband.

- I was in the process of

being arranged for marriage.
- What?

- Keep your chest up.
- Okay.

- Every day counts.
Those judges want head-to-toe...

- Perfect?
- Perfection.

- Every day counts.
On stage you're gonna havetoe...

5-inch heels on and thong.

- Danielle was saying something
about how mike was disbarred.

- Tell (bleep)-face
to ----ing shut her mouth.

[dramatic music]

- I can make you laugh

or make you cry.

Your choice.

- Don't try to bully me.

So freeing!

'cause I'm a boss.

- I have four kids,
two degrees,

and one kickass life.

- I may put up a tough front,

but I'll never
leave you behind.

- I'm obsessed with family,
traditions, and chanel.

- These days
I don't throw punches.

I roll with them.

♪ ♪

[upbeat music]

- who wants to play dodge ball?
[laughing]

- no, the--not on my walls.

- Come on, gino.
- Sit.

I know we all have a little
cabin fever from the snow day,

but, like, you guys
need to chill out.

♪ ♪

- ow.
Gia, go easy on the bumps.

I'm working my ass out a lot,
and it's, like, a little sore.

- [sighs]
- oh, brother.

- [laughs]

- want to go for a run?

Wait, guys.
Wait.

Wait for me.
Wait, wait, wait.

Stay right there.
Sit.

[laughs]
oh, my god.

[light music]

- hey, how's it going?
- Hey, guys.

- Good. We have an appointment
with janice.

- You guys can follow me
back here.

- Okay.
Whew.

- This is a great place.

Both: Hi.
- Hey.

- How are you guys?
- Are you janice?

- Yes.
- Oh, my god.

I have, like, 27 layers on.
So sorry.

- I love that coat.
- Oh, thank you.

- Okay, so do you want
to tell me a little bit

about what we're doing?
- Yes.

- I almost never wear
a wedding band

because my hand is messed up,

so I want to get, like,
you know, the wedding day.

- Okay. What are the numbers?
- 6/19/13.

- Okay. I am going to work out
some sizes,

and I'll be right back
with your designs.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

I hope she doesn't go too deep
and hit a nerve.

- It's painful to be beautiful.

Look, my mother's doing
her facelift on Saturday.

Now she's gonna be
so tight and pulled

and looking glamorous
and fabulous,

so that's gonna make me
want to do it more.

- Marge, you look perfect.
- I know.

- There's nothing you need
to change on your body.

- Okay.
- Your face is more perfect.

- A little more perfecter?
[both laugh]

I feel like a million bucks
being with joe because I know

he's so in love with me,
and he's obsessed with me,

but I think
I still want the facelift.

- Okay, you guys.
- Ooh, hi.

- Oh, boy.
- Got your stencil ready.

- Uh-oh.
- Come on, brave man.

- All right.
- Oh, that's cute.

- That fits good.
- Yeah.

So just try your best
to stay still.

- Look at the size
of the needle.

- You're fine.
[tattoo machine buzzing]

anyway, so listen,
I'm excited for her facelift,

but there's one issue though.

I am going away next week,
that charity thing, the

hospital heroes for the kids.
- Mm-hmm, right.

- I'm in the middle
of working on

a children's
hospital gown line.

Two years ago
I was on the pediatric ward,

and when I saw sick children

all wearing these
institutional-type gowns,

and I said, "why would anybody
want to wear these?

Everything should really
look like a costume."

- this is just phenomenal.

- If I could just bring

a little bit of happiness

to a child
that's in the hospital

and take their mind
off of being sick

for a little while,
I will do it.

- Your mother's staying
at our house while she recoups?

- Yes.

- She's--you're not--
no!

Joe, it'll be fine.

- All right,
you ready to see it?

- Sure.
- Let me see.

Oh, it looks nice.

This looks really nice.
I love it.

- Is that the right date?
- Joe, will you stop?

[punchy music]

♪ ♪

- gino, get your foot
off the table.

Did you hear me?

- Yeah, we heard you, melissa.

- Excuse me, since when
do you call me melissa?

Uh-uh, I don't like that.

Listen, my friend's
coming here.

You guys never met her before.
Her name is jackie.

She has two sets of twins,
so don't choke-slam them,

body-slam them.
Be nice.

I don't know
if they can handle you.

[doorbell chimes]
oh, they're here.

[dog barking]
put this away for me, gino.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Can I pet your dog?
- Hi.

- Oh, hi, how are you?
- Can you say hi first? Hi.

- I like outgoing children.
- Hi. Hi.

- Hi, how are you?
- Good to see you.

Hello.
She's so outgoing.

I love it.
- I know.

- Wait, so whose twin is she,
your twin?

- Yeah.
- Wow.

And then you two are twins?
That's so cool.

- Here, we brought cupcakes.
- Oh, how nice. Thank you.

- Thank you for having us.
- No problem. Come on in.

Oh, my god, wait, don't step
in the--oh, my god.

- Ew!
- Ew, ew!

- O-m-g.
Are you kidding me?

- Come here, come here!
- Downstairs.

- Wait, the kids all ran
downstairs already?

- I'm beast at this game.

- I can beat you.
- Ha, ha.

- Oh, look, I'm so happy.
They like each other.

- I'll just--I'll pick you guys
up tomorrow, okay?

- Yeah.
[laughs]

- you want to--like,
something to drink?

- Are you drinking?
- I'll have a glass of wine,

especially since now our kids
are besties and all.

- I know, exciting.
- I'm so happy. I was nervous.

Before you got here,
I was telling my kids, "be nice.

I don't know if
they can handle you."

- no, no, no, not my children,

'cause they're, like,
rough and tumble.

- [yelps]
- tell me the worst is when

you have them all in the car
together.

- Yes.
- Oh, my god, I want to pull--

- yes, I have, like,
a swinging arm to the backseat.

- Oh, my god! (bleep)!
- I'm like, stop!

- Put on your seatbelt!

- I drive a minivan,
and it's ugly,

but I like it.

And I go to clean out
that minivan--

- that is so funny.
- And I find that my kids

let an ice cream cone
melt into the cup holder.

- You're like, "it's all good."

- like, I don't
----ing give a sh--.

- I think it's so cool.

- I am the woman with
the two sets of twins who drives

the ----ing minivan.
- Yes, girl, I like it.

- And I own it! I own it.
- So funny.

- Having two sets of twins
is ----ing madness.

- [screams]
- alexis, watch.

Alexis. Excuse me!
[kids shouting]

after one round of ivf
I had my first set of twins,

but then I really wanted
to try for a girl,

so we did ivf again.

And wouldn't you know it,
another set of twins.

What are you doing?
It's not a bowl of cereal.

- Can I have ginger ale?
- Guys, stop.

I wake up, and I'm like,

"I'm not gonna yell
at anybody today."

everyone's gonna get a job.
Don't fight over the job.

Bring that tray
into the dining room.

Excuse me. I said him.
Walk away from the pitas.

Within five minutes I'm like,
"I'll ----ing kill you."

like, it's really--like,
it's nonsense in my house.

Alexis, get away from him now.

Luckily my husband, evan, is
the best father in the world.

- Daddy.
- Hi, da-da.

- Hey, buddy.

- He totally keeps me sane.

These kids are never
going to ----ing sleep.

I need, like, this filled up
with wine when we get home.

He works finance in the city,
and I work at home

as a journalist writing
articles about parenting.

Joe, can you think of
any articles for me to write?

- Uh, cooking?

- [soft laugh]
I don't think I'm qualified.

Parenting is
a very loaded topic, so a

lot of times people do not
agree with my viewpoint, and

I have gotten responses telling
me I'm a terrible mother.

Ah!

- Ew, I got spit on.

- That I don't know
what I'm talking about,

that I should leave
the country.

Put you in the suitcase
with me.

But if you don't like
the way that I parent

or anything about me,

I cordially invite you
to go (bleep) yourself.

- Oh!
- Oh! [screams]

- don't cry. I got it.

- Alexis, no! Alexis!
- Oh, no!

- Oh, my god, you're so wild.

I'm really sorry.
I will help you clean up after.

- It's fine.
Me and my sister-in-law,

when she would come over
with her kids,

you had to see the house
'cause it was, like, a disaster.

- Yeah. So teresa's married

to your husband?
I mean, teresa's--

- so I'm married to
teresa's brother.

- Right, okay.
- Yes.

But years ago,
we really used to butt heads.

- I wouldn't have guessed
because

you guys get along so well now.

- You know what?
It was a horrible,

horrible time
in all of our lives,

so we'll never do that again.

- Oh, no!

- Is everything okay in there?
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I don't want you
putting that upside-down

and putting it
all over the place.

- [shouts]
- whoo-hoo!

- Oh, my god.
This is a nuthouse.

- Okay, we live the same life.
We're the same person.

[hip-hop music]

- are you gonna fall
out of the car?

- [laughs]

- come on.
- Hi.

- Two manicures, and
he wants to get a pedicure.

- Guys, you can come
with me this way.

- Come on, nonno.
Speed-walk.

- You want to pick out
your nail colors first?

- Nonno, maybe you
should get pink.

- [laughs]
- I think I like this color.

- All right, all set?
- Yes.

- Okay, you can come with me.

Enjoy your services, ladies.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

- That's it, ah.

- Oh, me and audriana
leave Friday

for her dance competition.

But Sunday we're having easter.
- Oh, yeah.

- This is the first holiday
I'm hosting

since the loss of my mom.

Even though my dad's
still grieving,

I think being around
your family, that helps.

Let me see your tattoo.

- Did you lose your mom?
- It's pretty.

- Yeah.
- Papa, look.

She lost her mom,
and that's her mom's signature.

I want to do that.

- Yeah, he doesn't like tattoos.

- I know.
I went with you.

[somber music]

- I feel bad for nonno.
Like, he's lonely.

Like the other day

he was complaining about
my brother not being around.

- [speaking italian]

- you're upset that
he hasn't called you?

- Yeah, yeah.

- I mean, I understand
that he works a lot, you know?

- No, but that just excuse is,
like, so old.

We live in the same town.
- You're right.

He could even stop over

to have a glass of wine
and then go home, you know?

- Yeah.
Nonno would love that.

- My brother used to be
around more when

my mom first passed away,
but now he's not coming around.

And I'm really nervous
to say anything to him

'cause when
I brought this up to

my brother in the past,
it got ugly.

- You're in mommy's and daddy's
ear every day.

Shame on you.

- You should be there for daddy.

- Was I around a lot?
- No.

- Okay, well,
(bleep) you, bitch.

- My brother and I
have been doing

really well for a while now,

and I definitely don't want
history to repeat itself.

I mean, life is short.

I just don't want my brother
to have any regrets.

- Heh, I'm ready.

[both laugh]

- you're so cute, nonno.

- Coming up...

- What the (bleep)
is so important

about you being friends
with dolores catania?

What is it that
you really have in common?

You cheated on your husband,
she got cheated on?

We often have to choose between
the beauty products

- your eyes are so blue
today, frank.

- Compliments are not gonna
get you a bigger budget.

- [laughs]
- okay?

What do you want to do?
Give me your vision

so I can try
to work with you here.

- I want to go with,
like, a spa vibe

because it's a lake house,

you know what I'm saying?
- Okay.

- Simple.
That's what people like.

- This is what I would normally
use, okay?

- Listen.
- You don't like it?

- I don't want that
in that house.

- Okay, all right.

You got it, okay.
- Okay?

- What about the gray?
Any chance?

- What are you doing with that?
Put it away.

Don't even show me
one more thing of that.

- What are you talking about?
Let me tell you something.

Since you don't
like my borders,

I'm just gonna sit here
and hold my ----ing dick.

- Do you want to fight, frank?

- All right, if nobody comes to
this house and doesn't buy it

because
you picked the damn tile.

- Every day frank and I
are figuring out

how to work together better

as partners in this
business of flipping houses.

- Hardwood floors
throughout the house,

refinished,
and this is gonna be natural.

- Natural?
In, like, a light brown?

- What color you want?
- I want, like, a gray.

- No, you're not--no, see,
you can't do it in this house.

What about, like,
this for the master bath?

- Yeah, and then
you have the stone.

I like that.
- That's what you want?

- Yeah.
- All right.

Now we got that.

- But you know what?

It was a really important
first step

that frank and I
had a talk about

him withholding the fact
that he was disbarred.

I was very upset
when you got disbarred

and you didn't tell me.

I made it very clear to him

I need total
trust and transparency.

Don't lie to dolores.

So melissa's party
was such a good time, frank.

- What happened with danielle?
Did you guys talk?

- Like, hello, goodbye,
that's it, because

you're a troublemaker, danielle.
You're a troublemaker.

Last year she was busting our
chops that we lived together.

This year she's busting my chops
about our situation.

Even margaret said,
"you don't talk about

somebody's livelihood.
I don't like that."

- yeah?
- Yeah.

- She said that?
- Yeah.

So I asked margaret to go
to this hatchet throwing thing.

I'm inviting a bunch of people
to a hatchet throwing.

- With an axe, like, a hatchet?
Oh, my god, that sounds so fun.

- So come.
- All right.

We can get out
our frustrations.

- You know, she said, "I'd love
to start off on a clean slate."

- I think that's great.
Why?

- I'm ambivalent about it
because I don't understand

why she has such
a soft spot for danielle.

- Listen, you know
it's only a matter of time

before danielle does something
to her. It's gonna happen.

- I tried--nothing that--
- it's inevitable.

You know that.
- Yeah.

- It happens with everyone
with danielle.

- Everybody.

- So give margaret
an opportunity,

and go from there.

[light music]

[doorbell rings]
[dog barks]

- who's that, baby?
Who's that?

- Oh, I'm on the wrong side.

Hi, boo.
- Hi.

- Look how cute you look.
I'm like--

I'm like, what's going on?

- How are you?
- You look adorbs.

- Come on in.
You want me to take your coat?

Ooh, is that okay?
- Yeah.

Hold on one sec. I'm so, like--
- want coffee?

- Uh, a little cup of tea.
Is that all right?

- Tea?
Yeah. What kind of tea?

And I'm gonna do
a little positive energy.

- All right, a little
positive energy tea. I like it.

- [laughs]
it's either that or stress.

- I know. It's so crazy
with the whole wedding.

- Yeah.

So last night
was kind of strange

'cause, you know, I didn't have
any conflict with dolores.

It's like, if I stay awa--
out of her way

and she stays out of mine,
I think we're fine.

So I don't know
what else to say other than

I just don't think
everyone's meant to be friends.

- I think you're
absolutely right.

- Dolores and I just--we rub
each other the wrong way.

- Yeah.
- If we can be around each other

and not make our friends,
our mutual friends

uncomfortable,
then I'm good with that.

- Um, actually,
don't have a freak-out.

She's having
a hatchet throwing party.

- Why would that freak me out?
- No, I'm just saying

'cause she invited me
and the other girls.

♪ ♪

- hmm.

When did you two
become buddies?

- You know what? I said to her,
and she said to me also,

"let's bygones be bygones."
we're also in the same circle.

And, you know, she's not
gonna say anything negative--

- don't you think
it's kind of weird that

you're my close, close friend,
and you're gon--

- you're one of my best friends
in the world.

- Well, I'm gonna tell you
it really

bothers me that you're going.

You don't
have my back right now.

[tense music]

- it's not not
having your back.

- You're my friend.
You shouldn't be going.

- Danielle, are you kidding me?
We are grown adults.

This isn't
fricking high school.

You're allowed to
have other friends.

I mean, we are not
a package deal.

We're not conjoined twins.
We're not ----ing twinkies.

Okay, how do I say this?

Danielle, I don't want to do
anything to ever hurt you.

She invited me to this thing...

- And you could have said,
"no, I'm not coming

"because that will
make danielle very upset

and very hurt. It'll hurt her."
- you want the truth?

- Because you could have said,
"this would hurt me

if the tables were turned."
- but it wouldn't! It wouldn't!

- You could have said anything
but, "yes, I'll come!"

- oh, my god, danielle.

- It hurts me.
- Oh, my god.

- What is it that you
two really have in common?

You cheated on your husband,
she--she got cheated on?

I mean, seriously?

What the (bleep)
is so important about

you being friends with
dolores catania when it--

- why do always hit below
the belt when you're upset?

Why do you get so hostile?
- Why do I?

Because I'm being hurt
right now.

This is what I do
when I'm hurt.

- Ah--all right.
- It's what I do when I'm hurt.

- Okay, that's--see?

Nor--other people would be
having a hemorrhage at you.

I'm just gonna
let you scream at me.

- Other people don't get
this side of me

because I don't care
about other people

as much as I care about you.

- Do I want danielle

to be heartbroken?
Of course not.

- I'm the kind of friend that
wouldn't do that to somebody.

- Danielle has always been
loyal to me since day one.

And I love her,
and dolores and I,

we didn't have
the best history.

But you know what?
She's devastated.

She's so hurt.
I mean, these girls are hurt.

- Shut up, margaret.

- But mending things
with dolores

should not affect
danielle and myself.

One relationship has
nothing to do with the other.

It's ridiculous.

Listen, I love you.

I'm with you all the time.

- [sniffles] I'm done, margaret.
I'm done.

- Listen, I wouldn't
even think--

- I don't want to talk anymore.
- Okay.

♪ ♪

oh, that's her phone.

Oh, god.

- Coming up...

- I feel like we need
to get some aggression out.

Throw the hatchet
at making excuses!

[hatchet thuds]
whoo!

[laughter]

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That's forty percent off
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only at old navy.

[light music]

♪ ♪

- hello.
Both: Hi.

- How's it going?
My name's paul.

I'll be your throwing coach.

- You look like you throw axes.

Are you good at it?
- I'm an axe-pert.

- [laughs]
- this is your pit,

and I'll show you the two ways
that we throw the hatchet.

So this is
the double-handed throw.

Oh, you can ring the bull's-eye
bell when you hit a bull's-eye.

And then the single hand.

Have you ever thrown
anything where you step--

- yeah, I've thrown things
at men, only.

- Well, that's not fun.

[both laugh]

both: Hi.
- How are you?

How could you be the first
one here with five kids?

- Am I?
I should get a medal for that.

I brought some snacks.
- Oh, thank you.

You didn't have to do that.
- Yummy, yummy snacks.

- Wait till you see
how fun this is.

Watch this.

- Oh, you put a little
more ass into it.

- I have a lot of ass.

- Hi.
- Oh, melissa gorga's here.

- I'm here with my fruit.
Where the hell are we?

- Thank you, melissa.

- They're not serving food?
- We bring our own.

Hi, how are you?

- How are you?
It's so nice to see you.

- Something tells me
you're gonna be good at this.

- Oh, yay.
What do we do?

- So make believe
you're mad at joe,

and you're throwing
something at joe.

- Oh, this is gonna be so easy.
- So much fun.

- Okay?
- Okay.

- Ah!
- It's okay.

This is so fun!

- I feel like we're gonna
get hit with an axe.

- Let me go again.
I want one more turn.

- Don't worry, paul.
Hi, thank you for coming.

- Look how cute you look.

- Hi.

- I'm not--
what the (bleep) is that?

- Sounds like--
- it sounds like guns!

- All right, who's next?
- Margaret.

- Here you go. Try it out.
- Watch out, paul, baby.

You better get out
of the ----ing way.

- Double-fist it, baby.
Double-fist it.

- Oh, you almost got it.
- That was a little hard.

- That was close.
That was close.

- I think that's the first
I've ever seen that.

- Yay!
- You were like this.

- I know, like a--
- okay, so let's have a toast.

- Yes, let's have a toast.

- I feel like
something's missing,

but it's teresa's not here.

- She had to go to a dance
competition with her daughter.

- Okay.
- What are we toasting?

- Toasting to
a ladies night out.

- Ladies night out.

- I feel like we need to get
some aggression out.

- Yeah.
- You know what?

We're gonna all
think about something that

we want to
throw out of our lives,

something that you want
to change about yourself.

You can't put this in words,
but, like,

now that my kids are gone,
it's just me and my dogs.

Frank's in florida
most of the time, so I'm like--

- empty nest
to the tenth power.

- Empty nest
to the tenth power.

- Throwing the hatchet.
- I'm throwing it out of my...

[laughter]
hold on.

Okay, I'm throwing this at

everything that's ever
held me back.

[all cheer]

- it's a sign!
- [laughs]

- good job.

- All right, who's next?
- Okay.

I've had five kids.

I fluctuate with
my weight constantly.

Maybe I can start working out.

- Girlfriend,
there is no excuse for you.

- I know!
- You have a nanny.

- Times two!
- [laughs]

- [ululating]

- my values
and cultural traditions

are a little bit different
than your typical jersey girl.

[speaking turkish]

I was born in queens, new york,

but my parents,
when they came here,

still wanted me to marry
somebody within our culture.

Growing up,
you guys were so strict.

You didn't let me do anything.

My mother was like,
"what do you want?

You want the club guy?
You're not gonna get it all."

and I used to say,
"I'm gonna get it all."

it was so frustrating.

- Yeah, but in the end
you are happy, you find bill.

- My husband's name
is actually nebil,

but we all
call him bill for short.

He was born
and raised in turkey.

My husband's old-fashioned.

He doesn't like cleavage.
He doesn't like anything short.

- Are you serious?
- Yup.

- I'm home.
- Hey, baby.

He's a plastic surgeon,

so, you know,
I enjoy a little bit of luxury.

Bill, if you're home,
can you come to the bedroom?

We just moved
into our new home.

It's spectacular.

It has nine bedrooms,
a movie theater,

a gym, a spa, 16 bathrooms.

Yes, I know
16 bathrooms is a lot,

but that's what the architect
told me to do.

And I really wanted
an indoor basketball court

because who wouldn't?

- What's for dinner?
- Roasted chicken.

- What's for dinner?
- Ew! I hate...

- Roasted chicken.
- Roasted chicken!

- We have five kids.

- I hate roasted chicken.
- Chicken!

- Okay, can everybody quiet?

They're ages
5, 7, 9, 11, and 13.

I'm fertile myrtle, you know?
They kept coming out.

The past 15 years of my life

have been all about
my husband and my kids.

Should I give you
to baba or no?

- No.

- So now I want my own identity
that's not, you know,

the plastic surgeon's wife.
[clicks tongue]

all right,
I'm throwing the hatchet.

- Okay.
- Let's go.

- Throw the hatchet
at making excuses!

- Oh.
- Little high.

- One more, one more.
- Almost got it.

- You got it.

[groans]
- damn it!

[laughter]

it's very hard.
Oh, my god.

- Hold on, show me--let me
take a picture of you.

- By the way, dolores,
I didn't want to post any photos

because I was
at danielle's yesterday.

And I said, "oh, tomorrow
I'm going to dolores's,"

and she was so upset
I was coming.

She ran out of the room crying,

and she said, "what do you have
in common with dolores?

You cheated on your husband,
and frank cheated on her?"

- [gasps]
- oh, my god.

- She called you a cheater?
- She said it point-blank.

- Does the low blow that
danielle said to margaret

surprise me?
Um, no.

Did it surprise margaret?
I bet it did.

Maybe everyone's
going to start to realize

that I've been right.

Danielle will never change.

- And are you upset right now?
- I felt bad 'cause she felt b--

- this is the way she acts.
Professional victim.

You can't give it any merit.

- No, I know, but the truth is

I'm having
a ----ing mental breakdown.

My mother's getting a facelift,

and I'm leaving
to go fly out to oklahoma.

- Really? I didn't know that.
For what?

- I'm putting together this
concept called hospital heroes.

Two years ago I was getting
my gall bladder removed.

I was on
the children's hospital ward.

It was very depressing
'cause I was with

all kids that
were terminally ill.

So I came up with this idea,

hospital gowns
that look like costumes.

I'm very emotional
when it comes to kids.

- This is the first time
I'm seeing

this side of margaret,
and I like it.

I totally want to be
a part of this whole thing.

- If you guys want to come
with me to oklahoma...

- Oh, my god.

- I'm gonna do
a little business.

But my girlfriend polly,
she was in the kids business,

and I wanted to bounce
these ideas off of her.

But she also lives on a ranch.

- Oh.
- So would you guys want to go?

- I am 100% in for oklahoma.

- I've never been away

without my husband,
without my kids.

- What? Are you kidding?
- Never.

- We need a little break.
- Yeah, I'm very excited.

- I know.
- Yeah.

- It'll be fun.
I'll call teresa.

I don't know how
she's gonna feel about it.

- We're going to
oklahoma, ladies.

- She needs this.
- I'm ready, girls.

Throw the ----ing hatchet.

Throw that ----ing hatchet!

[all cheer]

- ring the bell! Ring the bell!

Ring that bell!
- That was amazing.

- No, shake it, shake it.
- Shake that rope thing.

[bell clanging]

- oklahoma, here we come!

- Coming up...

- You can't be bullsh---ing
on your cardio,

because right now you're
standing there

like a pile of sh--.

[light music]

- can you open this?

- Okay.
[can cracks]

don't spill.

- Not too late for caffeine?

Did we get permission for that?
- I saw christian drinking it.

I grabbed one, and then olivia
asked me to open hers.

- You should be
asking an adult.

Hey, baby.
What's for dinner?

- Shrimp with vegetables.
- That sounds delicious.

So how was last night?

- Oh, the hatchet throwing?
- Yes.

- It was good.
It was fun.

Margaret actually invited

all of us to go to oklahoma
for the weekend.

What do you think about that?

[suspenseful music]

- I hope you told them no.

- No, actually,
I told them yes.

- Without discussing?
- Yes.

My marriage is a lot different

than what we call
"the american way."

- the whole weekend?
- The whole weekend.

My husband's very traditional
in the sense that

he wants me to stay home
with the kids at all times,

but sometimes I just need
a break from my kids.

I feel bad saying that,
but it's so true.

- You haven't left us for
a whole weekend ever before.

- Yeah, but honey,
what am I gonna say,

"my husband doesn't let me go"?

It's for three days.
It's not really a big deal.

- I know, but now I would have
to be home earlier.

I'm gonna have to accommodate
the kids into my schedule now.

- My husband is the breadwinner,
and he's like,

"I work hard.
I provide for you.

You handle the rest,"
but I've paid my dues.

I mean, my youngest
is gonna start kindergarten,

so I just need to get away.

So if you don't like it,
you know, tough.

So what's the bottom line here?

You're giving me
those eyebrows.

- And you know I hate changing
my schedule the last minute,

but you're gonna have to
break the news to the kids.

- Mom.
- Thank you for letting me go.

Kids, I'm going to oklahoma.

- But mom...
- What?

- You're not gonna make me
happy if you go to oklahoma.

- No?
- No.

- Aww.

- I knew olivia
wouldn't take the news well.

- Oh, my god...
- Don't go.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- hi, guys.

- Hey.
- Hi.

So how'd you do this past week?

- I did good.
- Yeah?

Did you get all your cardio in?

- Yes.
- Look me in the eyes.

- Yes, I did.
- Okay, okay.

- I mean, do I look smaller?

- Well, I'll tell you
when you're in your suit.

- Okay.
- Yes.

All right.

I've been training for

my bikini fitness competition

for about 3 1/2 months,
but this is my first time

coming out
in this teeny-weeny bikini.

- How many weeks out are we?
- I think 9 1/2 or 10.

- She needs every minute
of the 9 1/2 weeks.

- Hi.

- Look at you.
- Hi.

- 'kay, here's my assessment.
You're not tight enough.

I need this little bit leaner.
Lose a little bit more here.

I need you a little bit leaner
in the arm.

Just leaner everywhere.
Three sets of the next thing--

- should I get a rib taken out?

- It ain't no joke.

You can't be bullsh---ing
on your cardio

because you need
to get up on stage

wearing dental floss
looking the best you can be.

Because right now
you're standing there

like a pile of sh--.

- Like, wow. There's
no sugarcoating with tracy.

But it's like, I'm taking care
of my four daughters

and my dad,
working out twice a day.

I'm eating what I'm supposed to
be eating, which is not much.

- You ain't all that yet.

- It's like, what else does
she want from me?

- You're better,
but you're not great yet.

- I know I'm not.
- Okay?

- I mean, the only thing is,

I'm supposed to go
to oklahoma with the girls.

- Hold up. You're telling me
that you're going on a vacation

before the show?
- Yeah.

- That gives me agita.

- You need to
prepare yourself for when

you're out with these people
and they're like,

"oh, teresa, just have a drink.
One time won't hurt you."

- oh, yeah,
I hear my friends saying,

"just have a drink.
What's the big deal?"

or, "have vodka.
It's no calories."

I'm like, "I can't."
- no.

- Like, I'm having easter.

Everybody else
is gonna eat whatever.

- Right, there's no
chocolate bunnies for you.

Within this next three weeks,
I want you down 4 pounds.

If I see that, then I'll know
you're committed to this.

You either do it my way,
or I'm out, capisce?

- Capisce.
- Capisce.

[pensive music]

♪ ♪

- I'm already seeing
you're so excited.

You're gonna have
a whole new face.

- We looked it up.
Most of the people lived.

- Joe, are you ----ing crazy?

- [laughs]
- he's an ass----.

- Watch your step, mamma.
- Thank you.

- Hi, good morning.
- Hi, how are you?

Just checking in my mother,
marge senior.

- Okay, you can have
a seat over there.

We'll be right with you.

All: Thank you.

- Want to hold on
to my sunglasses?

- Yeah. Here.
- [exhales]

- good morning.
- Good morning.

- Hey, doc.
- Nice to meet you.

- How are you?
- How's it going?

- Hi, dr. Kassir. How are you?

Mwuah.
- How are you doing?

- Good. How are you?
- Hi, dr. Kassir.

- Margaret. Are you nervous?
- A little.

I won't feel pain, right?
- No.

- Oh, good.
- All right, you guys ready?

- We're ready.
- Come on in here.

- Come on. Come on, marge.
- Place is good. It's easy.

- Yeah.

- Change into that gown,

and I'll mark you.
- Okay.

- I have to take a picture

so I can remember
you just like you were.

[camera shutter clicks]

- she looks like
pennywise right now.

- Very funny.
- That's horrible to say.

- I'm only kidding.

Marge senior--
- no, you aren't.

You're insulting me as usual.

- Marge senior,
you look gorgeous,

but even with all this work

that you need,
you still look good.

- Thank you.
- Well, marge senior,

you're gonna have
the last laugh, trust me.

- Now let's review. We're
gonna shorten your forehead

and at the same time
lift your eyebrows, okay?

- Okay.
- Then we're gonna

trim that upper eyelid skin
that's heavy.

Then we're gonna do
our lift, neck, face.

Last thing
we'll come to your lip lift.

- Okay.
- Oh, god.

This procedure does not look as
simple as I thought it would be.

I mean, marge senior
looks like a roadmap.

Even though I say
I want my face lifted,

I'm starting to see
joe's side of things

because this does not look
as easy as dr. Kassir described.

Good luck.
- Thank you.

- You're gonna look
very youthful.

Bye, dr. Kassir. Good luck.
Both: Thank you.

- You're allowed to yell at her
if she's being a pain.

- That's right. We'll see
you guys in like four-ish hours.

- Okay, thank you.
All right.

Let's go eat something.

[punchy music]

joe, I'm so anxious.
- Your mother's gonna be fine.

- She'll have a brand-new face.
- I know.

♪ ♪

what--what's going on?
No, seriously, what's going on?

He said it was only
gonna be four hours.

Now we're at six hours.

- Your mother's gonna be fine,
I swear.

- Joe, it's been
a very long surgery.

She's not that young.

I'm very nervous because,
you know, the truth is

I'm really the mother,
and she's the kid.

I'm the parentified child.

[sighs]
I can't take it.

If anything ever happened
to marge senior,

I don't
even know what I would do.

I just pray everything's okay.

I need to know what
the (bleep) is going on.

- Your mommy's fine.

- Let's just hope little
marge senior comes out soon.

- Coming up...

- We just saw you at the house.

(vo) truvia sugar blends...

♪

ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Buy three specially marked chex
cereals

get a $5 concession certificate.

[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

- what the (bleep)
is going on?

Seriously what's taking so long?
I can't take it.

- Well, then go over there
and knock on the door.

♪ ♪

- all finished.
- Hi. Oh, my god.

Did it go okay?
- Everything looks good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was great.
- Was she good?

Was she a trooper?
- She was amazing.

We were
taking our time because,

you know, you have to laser
her whole face afterwards.

She looks great. You're not
even gonna recognize her.

- Thank you. Thank you so much.
- Thank you, doc.

- Thank you.
Thank you so much.

- She's--she's waiting for you
in the recovery room.

- Okay, all right, we'll go in.
- Alrighty?

- Okay.

- That is crazy.
- Which way do we go?

This way? Okay.
- You're gonna go this way.

- Oh, my god.
How is she?

Am I gonna have a freak--
I brought her pajamas.

- Oh, yeah?
- Mom, how are you?

- Voila.
- Oh, you're not so bad.

- Wow.
[laughter]

- you look like
"death becomes her."

no, you actually look good.
How do you feel?

- I feel good. I can't talk.
He told me I can't talk.

- I told her to go home
and be quiet.

Remember, can't move her neck.
- Yeah.

- Can't bite apples,
can't talk too much.

- No, no, no, you'll just do
everything through a straw.

Are you happy you did it or no?

- Mm-hmm.
- You are?

- Mm-hmm.
- What's up?

- Marge senior, you did amazing.
- What does "one" mean?

- Well, she can't
really talk, so.

- All right.
- Mm-hmm.

- What? What?

I can't see that.

- Yeah, get her
a writing pencil.

She can write to you.
- I can't see what that means.

I feel bad leaving marge senior
fresh out of her facelift,

but I have to go to oklahoma
to start hospital heroes.

But joe,
he'll take good care of her.

He'll be much better to her
than I would be.

The guy has the patience
of a saint.

You were cocky
to start out with.

I mean, now I don't know
what we're gonna do with you.

You're gonna look so fabulous.

What?
What's that?

He's a star?

- Yeah.
- [laughs]

[electronic music]

♪ ♪

- gia, milania, audriana,
I need help!

They're gonna be here soon.

- Yeah?

- What? Let me see.

I would say pink.
You'll match with me.

- If you're not gonna take
what I say, then don't ask me.

I--I don't have time.

Oh, my god.

Since I've lost my mom,

holidays are more emotional
and stressful.

Hi, ma.
[kisses]

[sighs]

so now I'm just trying to,

you know, make the holidays
best as I can for my dad.

I just want to make him happy,
and he needs that.

- Fill your wine.

- Did you--how much wine
did you drink?

- Three bottle. [mumbles]
- [laughs] I see you swaying!

All right,
tuck in your shirt over here.

[laughs]

[dog barking]

- phone away.

It's easter weekend.
- It's easter.

Take your phones
and put them away, please.

Yes, we're here!

- Oh.
- Happy easter.

- Happy easter.
- My god.

- You look so pretty.
- Thank you.

Hi, guys. Mwuah.
How are you?

- Happy easter.

- Yeah, yeah, you and gino
get the football.

All right, here you go.

- Happy easter, dad.

- So daddy's a little toasted.

- Oh, yeah, nonno's drunk.
- [mumbling] drunk two bottle.

- [chuckles] let me see.
Yeah.

- I didn't call you this week.

I'm busy all week.

Bad week this week.

- Oh! [laughs]
- [chuckles]

- really, joe?
That's your response?

Daddy's trying to tell you
he wants to see you.

You're just gonna laugh it off?
[scoffs]

- oh.

- I saw you.
We just saw you at the house.

- I forget...

- It's been two weeks?
- Yeah, but--

- aww.
- I--

- nonno!

- Okay, why don't
we all go to the table?

- Whoa.
- All right, easy.

- I'll sit here.

- Ah.

- Okay, here's my food.

Oh, milania,
do you need help, honey?

- [laughs]
- I don't even care.

- I--no, no, milan--
I'll do it for you, honey.

Oh, oh.
Pinch it like...

- Tre, you having any?
- No, I can't.

- Nothing?

Aww, are you kid--are you that--
like, even on a holiday?

- Oh, you can't? On a holiday
you can have a treat.

- No. The asparagus are mine.
I can't eat now.

I can't have a drink.

- Oh, you might as well die.
- [laughs]

- hello?
- Hold on, shh, shh, shh.

- Nonno's talking.

- Oh, he wants to s--

- nonno.
- No, he's upset.

[somber music]

- yes.

Here's to nonna, right, guys?

- Cheers.

- Cheers.

- Well, now I'm gonna--
I can't even talk.

Before I went away, I spent
a lot of time with my mom,

and right now all I can think
about is how when I came home,

I wished that I spent
more time with my mom.

So it's frustrating that
my brother makes the effort

to see my dad
just on a holiday.

- [exhales]

- I love you guys.

- You okay, nonno?

Everyone blow kisses to nonna.
Mwuah.

Mwuah, happy easter.

Mmm, that's so good.

- I love you, nonno.
- Thank you, nonno.

- Aww, look, all your
grandchildren love your food.

- My son don't like.

- Your son loves it.

That's all he--
he doesn't care.

All the grandchildren love it.

He wants to know
does his son like it?

- It's like the kid
that's not around the most,

that's the kid you always want.
It's the truth.

So joe, are you gonna be
around more for this one?

[dramatic music]

he wants you around more.

- Oh, my god.

I mean, what the (bleep)?

- Who brings up
a super sensitive,

like, gonna-cause-a-problem
conversation on easter Sunday?

Especially in front
of my father-in-law

who's super upset as it is?

This is definitely not
the day, the time, the place.

Like, your timing sucks.

♪ ♪

- Joe, are you gonna be
around more for this one?

He wants you around more.
- Oh, my god.

I mean, what the (bleep)?

[dramatic music]

it's hard to be around.
You know my life.

You know the--the business.
It's crazy.

I work hardcore all day
every day nonstop--

stress, unbelievably stressed.

- I'm so over that
with the work.

He's like a fricking
broken record. That's all--

- yeah, but--
- "I work. I work. I work."

- I mean, what the (bleep)?
- Hey. [claps]

- yes, honey,
what do you want to say?

- Yes?

- Oh, I was gonna hide them.
- Oh, now I get it.

- All right, where's the eggs?

We're gonna hide them.
You guys go hide

so you can't see
where we hide the eggs, okay?

- All right.
Come on, let's do this.

- Did you put the $10 one?
- Yeah, I got it here.

♪ ♪

- listen,
you got to cut that out.

- What?

- Like, you always bring that up

in front of, like, daddy, like,

"oh, you work too much.
You're not around."

- well, because
I gotta hear him.

- No, because listen. It's--

- "your brother don't call me."
- listen.

- "it's been five days I didn't
hear from your brother."

- listen. Can I talk?

Teresa was always like this
when we were kids.

When it came to me,
she would rat me out.

Why's she still doing this?

You're gonna cause
a whole big problem again,

which we don't need.

Listen to me.

If I was sitting
in a bar all day,

I was sitting in restaurants--
- then that's different.

- It's a different story,

but I can't--
what am I gonna do?

When you put in 15 hours a day,
hard work,

I'm exhausted.

- I'm just saying
he bitches to me all the time.

- No, but tre,
you guys have to

talk to each other
instead of in front of him.

- Yeah, you got
a big mouth sometimes.

You got to defend me,
you son of a bitch.

- Are you kidding me?
- No-no-no-no-no, not on easter.

- I'm trying to back you too.

- Don't throw each other
under the bus.

Back each other up.
- I don't ----ing throw--

shut up.
I don't throw him under the bus.

- I'm saying, don't
get him upset with him.

This conversation
makes my skin crawl

because I get instant
flashbacks of the pain

that joe went through years ago

over conversations
that were similar.

- Daddy, he said to me...
- [blows raspberry]

- "I can't believe
he didn't come and see me."

- I cry like a baby at night
because of the situation

that's going on with
my parents because of you.

- [speaking italian]

- you're my father!
You're my ----ing...

- I know my husband.

When you push him
and you constantly

say the same thing to him

over and over and over,
I know he's gonna explode.

Joe is a ----ing
ticking time bomb.

Like, it's gonna happen.

- Listen, he just wants to
spend more time with joe.

That's all I said.

- But let me tell you, hold on.
- It's true.

- What?
- He does.

- Daddy bitches--tell--
can you stick up for me?

'cause I got two against one.

- Yeah, it's not fair.
- It's not fair about what?

- We get it so much from nonno.
You don't even know.

I know you have work.
Trust me, I know.

But if you don't call him
for a day, he says something.

- Let me tell you, my business
takes all my frigging time.

Is he gonna pay my bills?
No one's gonna pay my bills.

What am I gonna do?
I just--just give it all up?

- You're taking this too far.
- Baby, this is your niece.

Talk to your sister about it,
not--she's 17.

- No, no, no, I'm talking to
everybody. It doesn't matter.

- It's not a big deal.
I hear more than enough.

- I know, but I'm just saying

I don't--it's like,
talk adult talk.

- But it's really
not adult talk.

I hear everything, and, like,

I deal with it, like, probably
as equal as my mom does.

Obviously my mom hears
it ten times more.

- Can't my brother see
what I'm trying to say?

It's like, I said it.
My dad said it. Now gia.

- At least just try, like,

in a week, like,
one designated day for nonno.

- I mean, gia's really
close to him.

Not only is he her uncle,
he's also her godfather,

and he's still not getting it.

- Listen to me, I have no time.
I have no time.

I work, so I can't be
punished for that.

- I don't give a sh--.
You have to make time.

In life, that's how it is.
Capisce?

[dramatic music]

- next time on "the real
housewives of new jersey"...

- Hello, oklahoma!

- Oh, my god, there's cows!
[cow moos]

[gun fires]
- sh--!

- Oh, I got one!

Both: Oh, my god!
- Nice!

- I had a pretty bad
eating disorder.

And it got so bad
that I was weighing

every single little thing
that I would eat.

- No.

- But I'm one person,

and I'm doing it all by myself.

I just want joey to spend
more time with his father.

- Holy sh--.
My husband, he's gonna explode.

- Then you should make him
not ----ing explode.

- Shut your ----ing mouth,
capisce?

- Aww.
- [sighs]

- to learn more about
the real housewives,

(nene)
atlanta is a mecca

for wealthy african-americans.

(lisa)
nowhere else
is there an elite society

of african-americans
going to galas, fashion shows,

and living
in luxury gated communities.

(nene)
atlanta is the black hollywood.

We have a lot of a-listers
around town.

(shereé)
atlanta is new money.

(nene)
you have to watch what you say.

Everybody knows everybody.

There's a lot of gossip.

(lisa)
image is everything in atlanta.

Everybody wants to be
in atlanta.

It's hot.

If it doesn't make me money,
I don't do it.

(deshawn)
I always knew I was destined
for greatness.

(nene)
I don't keep up
with the joneses;

I am the joneses.

(kim)
in atlanta, money and class
do give you power.

(shereé)
people are intimidated
by my success.

(deshawn)
we could have went anywhere,

but we moved to atlanta
for several reasons.

It's definitely
the land of opportunity

for african-americans.

Welcome to your new home,
mrs. Snow.

(deshawn)
my husband and I built
the house of our dreams,

and I've chosen a designer
out of california

to design everything
from top to bottom.

Deshawn worked with me
for about three hours,

so they really don't know
what they're about to enter.

(deshawn)
do you like it, baby?

(eric)
it's big.

(boy)
it looks like the giant.

(deshawn)
we've been building this house
for the last 2 1/2 years.

Let's go.

(deshawn)
I haven't seen the inside yet,

because I'm gonna wait
to experience that with eric.

Here we go.

We got to push
that big door.

(deshawn)
so today we're going in

to see it
for the very first time.

Wow.

I've always dreamed
of living this way,

the big estate home
with the chandelier.